Ours
by writingtoreachyou
Summary: After 'Yours' and 'Mine' comes 'Ours'. Thirteen years later Evie Stabler is about to turn sixteen and is bright, beautiful and heart set on college. Her fourteen year old brother Sam just wants to play football. Captain Olivia Stabler heads up the 16th precinct and a cast of familiar faces return to face a whole new set of challenges...
1. Thirteen Years Later

**_So here we go! First chapter up and flying. I think the only real message, other than how excited I am to share all the new ideas I have with y'all, is that I'm making one small AU tweak. Calvin's age. We're dialling it down a few years so he was much younger than portrayed on the show, and thus much younger now all these years later. Specifics to be decided. That is all I'm saying for now ;)_**

* * *

"You know sometimes you make me kind of ashamed that we share DNA because you are _such _an idiot."

"You said buy her anything."

"And you used that as the green light to buy Mother's Day dryer sheets."

"She just said the other morning how she'd love someone forever if they bought her some!"

"Okay seriously you are _never _going to get a girlfriend….." hurling an impressive ball the older of the two teens rolled her eyes, "… ever."

"Sure, sure because Jason Williams is a real catch."

"Shut up."

"I wanted to shoot the poor kid to put him out of his misery at practice the other day."

"Okay so just because he's not the most athletic guy in the world doesn't make or break him as a person. You should think about that little brother….." catching the incoming ball she held it in her mitt and shook wisps of dark hair from piercing blue eyes, "… sport isn't everything and high school won't last forever."

"You sound like mom."

"I know you think she's on your case the whole time but she's just looking out for you."

"Yeah, well, I'm doing just fine…." scuffing his sneaker the younger teen lowered his eyes and avoided catching the gaze of the one person who knew him better than anyone, "… and grades aren't everything either."

"They're a pretty big something."

"Just back off okay?"

"I'm only saying that…."

"Well don't, alright! It's easy for you, it is _so easy _for you to stand there and preach this crap to me when you're pretty much guaranteed to get a free ride to the Ivy's. I'm happy for you, I'm proud of you and I can't wait to see you go do your thing but I'm not like you. I'm not smart the way you are."

"Don't say that!"

"Okay this isn't fun for me anymore…" tossing his glove onto the grass the boy rolled his eyes and sloped back into the house.

"Everything alright, buddy?"

"Peachy keen." Came the sullen huff in reply from his son as Elliot Stabler stepped out onto the porch and took a seat on the back steps.

"You winding him up again Mouse?"

"You need to talk some sense into him Dad." Removing her own glove and coming to sit beside her father in blue jeans and one of her mother's old NYPD issue t-shirts Evie Stabler heaved a sigh. "Or he's gonna be _that _guy."

"And which guy is that then?" reaching over and draping his arm around her Elliot drew her in close, pressing a kiss against her temple and smiling, "Are you doing your my job for me again? Worrying about your brother?"

"The guy who cruises through high school on his looks and the fact he can hurl a football and whose only goal in life is to make quarterback!"

"Evie, sweetheart, you gotta just let him do his thing. He's a fourteen year old kid with the whole world at his feet. He'll figure out what he wants to do in his own time just the same way you will."

"He could go to college too you know," she persisted, exquisite cheekbones and thick dark lashes holding all of her mother's stubborn determination and drive, "If he'd just let me help him get his grades up?"

"I do know that."

"He bought Mom dryer sheets for tomorrow."

"What?"

"My brother is a freak show."

"Yeah, no, I think we should probably fix this one. It's been a hell of a week at work at the 1-6 and dyer sheets might just tip her over! We'll go to the mall….." smiled Elliot, reaching into the pocket of his jeans and fishing out his car keys, "…. you can get in your mom's head better than anyone so you're officially in charge and we'll just get Sam to sign the card."

* * *

"You want one?"

"Oh! No, no I…" she had been staring, realised Eve, flushing peachy red and turning away slightly, "… no I don't smoke."

"Figures."

"Because you can tell whether or not a person smokes just by looking at them?" remembering herself Eve shot the far from unattractive stranger a withering glare and scoffed, "What other snap judgements do you form on…."

"That you're a kid."

"Well for a start you're…."

"That you're probably Daddy's little girl."

"I…." she began, watching the devilish glint in thin set eyes and the way his lips curled to a smirking grin. Her reaction confirmed his assertions but where he had though it would repel his interest it only made him more curious. There was a whole world behind those baby blues.

"You're your Momma's whole entire world….." running a hand through unkempt curtains of mousey brown hair the chisel jawed stranger chuckled, "… and you've never had any reason to lose that pretty smile."

"So basically you think I'm a priss?" smarted Eve, feeling suddenly toppled from her usually impossibly confident perch as she clutched her book bag uneasily.

"I think you're luckier than you know."

"Humph." she hadn't the first clue how to react to him, let alone how to respond. Something in her rational mind told her she ought to walk away, disengage, and yet she couldn't. "You make being lucky sound like a bad thing?"

"Nope."

"No what?" he talked in riddles, delicious perfect dimple chinned riddles.

"Forget it."

"You're annoying."

"You've got really shiny hair." And she laughed, not because what he said was funny but because of the don't give a crap, God's honest truth expression on his face as he said it.

"Damn….." he murmured under his breath, watching a smile light up her whole face as she watched him through suspicious eyes, set in the most strikingly attractive face he had ever seen, "…..when you figure out what you look like you're in _big_ trouble Bambi."

"What's that supposed to mean?" asked Eve, but the answer was in the way he looked at her. It was terrifying and intoxicating and it stole her breath in a way that Jason Williams hadn't the entire year they'd been dating. She didn't know, she couldn't see, but that was the moment she learned to play the game.

"How old are you?" stubbing out his cigarette on the precinct wall and tossing the butt into the road the stranger kicked one ankle over the other.

"I'm seventeen….." she never lied, it wasn't in her nature, in fact everyone who knew her would vouch for Eve Stabler's often brutal honesty, "….eighteen in a couple of weeks."

"Then you'll work it out soon enough."

"Cal? Cal, buddy let's roll…" came a gruff yell from the revolving doors of the 16th precinct as three scruffy figures, all older than her new acquaintance, emerged from inside, "… we got off so let's go celebrate little cous'!"

"Right behind you…" throwing blue green eyes at Eve the young man flashed a smile and tipped his head, "….nice meeting you Bambi."

"Sure, sure you too."

Her heart was thundering, and as the group headed for the subway Eve felt a confused overwhelming of indignation and disappointment. Standing up from the wall she often sat on waiting for her mother she straightened her back, squared her shoulders, pushed out her chest and held her head a little higher than before. Something small, indescribable and irrevocable had changed inside of her and it made her head spin and her heart race. Was this what Elliot was so afraid of?

* * *

"I am _so sorry _sweetheart."

"It's fine."

"No, no it isn't. You must've been sat out here over an hour…..." exploding out of the precinct still only half wearing her jacket Olivia Stabler threw herself at her daughter and hugged her apologetically, "…. I'll make it up to you?"

"You don't have to Mom it's fine! I just studied for my biology test tomorrow and….." chewing on her cheek Eve held herself back, so unusual in her relationship with her mother, "…. oh and Dad called and said he's taken Sam and Eli out for dinner and we're on our own this evening."

"How much more studying you reckon you've got left to do for that test?" asked Olivia, fussing at the braid around Eve's face and smudging away a little stray mascara from her brow bone.

"You thinking Three Amigos?"

"I'm thinking if the boys can eat out mid-week then why can't we?" widening her eyes and flashing a grin Olivia draped her arm around her daughter and leant in to kiss her temple. "How was school? You get your English paper back?"

"Got an A-….." nodded Eve, "…. but Mr Fritz's comments were so dumb. Jane Eyre was an idiot if she thought dating Mr Rochester was _ever_ a good idea and I backed up all my reasons why I think so with quotes so I don't know what his problem is."

"Oh baby girl just you wait…" sighed Olivia wistfully, as the two broke apart slightly but their arms continued to bump and nudge as they walked closely along the sidewalk.

"Wait for what?"

"I could be wrong but I'm pretty sure Ms Eyre wasn't doing that much thinking at all around Mr Rochester."

"I hate that! She's this super strong, independent woman who kicked ass even though her life was horrible and then she just loses her shit because of a guy who…."

"Language, lady!"

"Loses her _head _over some old guy who's already married to some nutty other woman!"

"Oh Evie Grace a part of me wishes you would think like that forever….." and then with a wistful, bittersweet sigh and adoring smile Olivia added, "…. but I think a bigger part of me wishes someone comes along and makes you question that all that black and white you see right now."

"You're such a mom sometimes!"

"I'm your mom _all_ the time….." corrected Olivia as they descended into the subway, "…. and part of my job is to help you realise that sometimes the world comes in shades of grey."

"50 shades?" quipped Evie with a mischievous smirk.

"Oh don't _even _kiddo. You know how I feel about that book."

"Okay, okay, no need to get your soap box out Captain Stabler!"

"Listen the truth is you're my baby girl and that won't ever change but one day a boy will look at you the way I imagine Mr Rochester looked at your beloved Jane and all bets will be off."

"Like he can see clean through you?" gulped Eve, suddenly connecting theory with her earlier experience. "And you feel so hot and dizzy you think you might just implode or throw up or…." seeing a rising suspicion in Olivia's shrewd eyes Eve caught herself, "…. or something like that? I've seen it in all the movies."

"Yeah, yeah something like that….." replied Olivia, unnerved.

"Like the way Dad looks at you?" knowing just exactly how to play to her mother's weakness, and that Elliot would forever be her Achilles heel Eve successfully deflected attention.

"Nicely played, kid. Nicely played."

"I wasn't….."

"You were talking about Jason though, right?" asked Olivia, who was keeping a close eye on her daughter's high school romance.

"Sure, sure Jase."

"You two aren't….."

"No, no Mom I haven't had sex with Jason nor do I plan to. I have my first time pencilled in right around my fortieth birthday just like Dad wants….." there was nothing Eve wasn't comfortable talking about around her mother, but even so the flippant tone in her voice unnerved Olivia, "…. you don't have anything to worry about."

"Okay, okay we trust you…" and then with a heightened intensity Olivia met her daughter's eyes and repeated, "…. I trust you."

* * *

"What's a stunning lady like you doing alone in a bar?"

"I'm waiting on someone…." came the sultry reply as Olivia batted her kohl lined eyes and thick dark lashes at the high end Armani suit that sidled up beside her later that week.

"Well whoever he is he ought to know better than to leave a face like that unattended….." with a cavalier smile and effortless gesture to the bartender he made a glass of her favourite red appear, "… you might start accepting drinks from handsome strangers."

"Do I look like that kind of girl?"

"You look like million bucks….." undressing her with a hungry gaze he grinned, "…. you're really wearing that blouse."

"I'm not so sure my husband would appreciate where your eyes are right now."

"He sure as hell better appreciate getting to wake up to you every morning."

"I'll remind him of that next time he's whining about….."

"Okay I'm out, you got me….." slipping entirely out of character and ending their charade Elliot curled an arm around her waist and leaned in for a lingering kiss, "… you're looking way too good to keep this up."

"How was your day?" she smiled, as the bartender brought him his beer and he took a seat beside her at the bar. "Did Sam go back to Dylan's after practice?"

"Yeah, yeah Mike said he'd run him home later and Mouse is home to let him in."

"So we really do have the whole evening to ourselves?" she marvelled, it being the first time in as long as either of them could recall. "I did what you asked by the way."

"Really?" he tested, stupefied that she had even considered his request. "You _seriously _left your cell at work?"

"You have my absolute undivided attention babe….." reaching to his face she stroked the five o'clock shadow along his jaw line and tipped her head, smiling adoringly and vowing, "… no kids, no work, just you and me."

"I needed this."

"We needed this….." she nodded in agreement; taking a sip of her wine and feeling herself relax completely, "…. I'm just sorry I've been so resistant."

"You give everything you've got to your job and I love that about you, you know that."

"I do, but it will never be more important than our family and I know it doesn't always feel that way to you and the kids sometimes."

"Speaking of the kids has Mouse talked to you about Sam?"

"Has she!" laughed Olivia with a wry scoff. "My ears were bleeding by the end of dinner the other night. She's convinced her brother is going to be in Rickers by the time he's twenty one unless he comes up with a five year plan."

"I worry about our girl, Liv…." sighed Elliot, laying his hand over hers on the bar and mindlessly playing with her fingers.

"You're worried about _Evie_? Why? She's got a 4.0 GPA and she's a cheerleader with tonnes of friends and a boyfriend most fathers can only dream of for their daughters….." curling her fingers around his she puzzled, "….how can you possibly find something to worry about?"

"She doesn't know how to fail."

"I….."

"I don't worry about Sam because he's got is head screwed on. He knows he's not the most academic kid in the world and he doesn't care, he doesn't have a clue what he wants in life and he doesn't worry about anything beyond Friday night….." shrugging candidly Elliot smiled, "…. he's just a completely normal fourteen year old boy."

"So because Evie's a high achiever with goals and focus she's not a normal kid?" balked Olivia, not entirely sure why he was making their daughter's aspirations into something negative that they ought to be concerned over. "Is it so unthinkable that an intelligent kid who's almost sixteen would be thinking about colleges and where she wants to be in life? I know I was."

"You just wanted to be anywhere other than your mother's house."

"Elliot!" she snapped, putting him straight back into his box with a sharp look.

"Mouse is wicked smart, she's popular, she's got her mother's looks and everything in that blue eyed girl's life has just come _so very easy_ to her."

"Elliot I feel like you're trying to make me feel bad that we raised our daughter to be a happy, confident, ambitious young woman."

"No, no that isn't what I….." knowing he'd upset her, and frustrated because that had been far from his intention Elliot sighed heavily, "….look I'm talking crap. Ignore me. Okay?"

"I know she might not get into Brown like she wants. I know that. I know she might not get everything she ever dreamed of, but babe I think what's important here is that we raised her to believe she at least has a shot."

"She has more than a shot at Brown we know that. With her grades and her extracurriculars and that knack she has of wrapping everyone around her little finger…."

"And her Daddy is at the front of _that _line….." smiled Olivia with a fond roll of her eyes.

"Guilty as charged."

"I know that you worry about them and I do too but when you see what we see day in day out at work you've got to keep perspective. When you see how many kids who not only don't believe they will achieve anything in life but won't even get the chance to _try_ you gotta give yourself a break and just let Evie run…" holding his hand tight Olivia appeased him the way only she knew how, "… and if she falls, well, then we'll be there to pick her up again won't we?"

"You know as wives go you're alright, you know that?"

"I have my moments."

"You manage to make anything stick to those two idiots from the frat party?"

"It got complicated…." exhaled Olivia, taking a weary slurp of wine, "…. the only thing we could prove was that they were uninvited guests. Whether or not they were actually responsible for the assault….."

"You don't reckon they're guilty?" he trusted her gut implicitly, and he could already tell from her expression she was unconvinced.

"They didn't have college places and trust funds on the line like all the other idiots there that night. They had nothing to lose and they were painfully honest about pot possession and beating the crap out of a couple of the guys. They're idiots but I honestly don't believe they're bad guys….." finishing her glass Olivia turned to him and smiled, "…. so no, no I don't think they're guilty. If that's any kind of win for Tamara."

"You'll get the real perp in the end."

"From their ivory Hampton tower? Protected by lawyers and politics and endless money?" shaking her head sadly she sighed, "I _hate_ that those idiots think they're beyond the law."

"But sometimes they are. Not because they should be, not because it's right, but just because that's how the world works."

"There's something else…" running her index finger around the rim of her wine glass broodingly Olivia hesitated before confessing, "…. one of the boys we hauled in was a Johnny Arliss."

"You know him?"

"I knew his Aunt once….." biting on bottom lip Olivia slid her eyes over to him and murmured, "…. he's Calvin's cousin."

"Your Calvin?"

"He was never mine….." it still hurt, even after all these years, that that beautiful little boy had been snatched so cruelly from her, "…. but yeah, yeah Vivian's son."

"Babe…" dropping his hand to her thigh he stroked it tenderly, giving her a moment to gather herself because he knew she didn't want to let it choke her.

"_That's_ his influence, El. They're his people. That's who he's surrounded by. I ran him through the system and he's already been collared for a couple of minor offences….." shaking her head with a deep, bitter, profoundly affecting sadness Olivia sighed, "…. it's only a matter of time before he escalates."

"You did everything you could, you did more than most people would've….." he soothed, knowing it was cold comfort to her but saying it anyway, "…. you can't save every messed up kid who….."

"I could've saved _him_…" she protested, strong in her conviction, "…. he could've been in college right now instead of out stealing cars with his waste of space cousin."

"Let it go, Liv…" because there was nothing she could do now, the boy was a man and it was too late Elliot counselled, "…. you gotta let it go. It'll eat you alive otherwise."

"I'm pretty hungry….." checking he had finished his beer she lifted her clutch from the bar and, shrugging off the weight of her conscience smiled warmly, "….let's go to dinner."


	2. Black Velvet And That Little Girl Smile

"Babe what does this do?"

"Where did you get that?" asked Elliot, prizing his eyes open as he lay dozing on the sofa mid-evening.

"I found it."

"Where?" he asked knowingly, having had this conversation many times before. "And what was it attached to at the time?"

"Do I detect a tone?"

"What did you break?" hauling himself upright he squinted across at his wife, adorable in her defiant expression of denial.

"I don't know what you…" began Olivia, passing the piece of black piping between her hands until finally deciding she was only spiting herself by lying, "…. this tube can't be _that_ important if I can still turn the dryer on without it."

"Liv seriously you gotta just ask me before you start pulling our appliances apart!" he cried with frustration, this not being the first time he had had to unpick one of her curious and destructive attempts at plumbing. "Let me see that?"

"Oh, wow, you smell like something died."

"You know it's beautiful moments like this darling when I'm so glad I married you….." examining the piping and not caring a bit that he smelled like a good old fashioned day's work and an hour in the gym, "…. did you pull this thing out of the drum or the door?"

"I love you." She smiled sweetly, leaning in despite his odour and gifting him a lingering kiss.

"You say it started up okay?" pondered Elliot, and she nodded in reply "And I haven't heard an explosion yet so….."

"You're not going to fix it?"

"You do realise I'm a cop not a plumber or an electrician or any of the other jobs you dream up for me right?"

"Can I dream you up a shower?" ignoring his protests she refused to touch him, but bribed him with another kiss. "Because I gotta tell you you're not coming in our bed tonight smelling like that."

"You gonna come scrub my back?" he grinned, grabbing at her and laughing devilishly as she writhed and punched lightly in a bid to escape. Her might have been a little shorter, her figure a little curvier and the smile lines at her eyes a little more pronounced but she was still every bit as beautiful to him as the day she'd first walked into the SVU all those years ago.

"No, no I'm going to play drill sergeant to our son until I know he's nailed that calculus homework….." and then, because there was something strangely enticing about his dishevelled appearance she weakened, "…. but I didn't bring any work home tonight."

"Oh, oh wait….." he grinned, his eyes suddenly very much awake and alert, "… is this actually happening? Am I actually going to get to fool around with my wife tonight not bunk in with Captain Stabler and her laptop?"

"No one likes a wiseass….." narrowing her eyes and pulling a face she allowed him a win and, with a teasing purse of lips added, "… but yes, yes that might just be how this evening is going to end for you."

"Already in the shower….." he grinned, pushing the black tube at her and pinning it to her stomach with both her hands, "….here, have your tube back."

"I still want you to fix my dryer, babe!" she called, with just a tiny shade of whine in her voice. "It's making weird noises!"

"Tomorrow!" rolling her eyes she gave in, tossing the dryer part onto the kitchen counter and heading off to help Sam with a smile.

* * *

"What you doing all the way over here?"

"It's sunny out….." said Eve, reaching for her juice box and sucking deliberately on the straw, "… it's a better view over here."

"But we always sit on that middle table….." continued Jason Williams, giving his girlfriend a peck on the cheek as he slid his lunch tray on the table beside her, "…. since freshman year."

"I just fancied a change!" she shrugged, as she took the tomatoes from his burger the way she always did and he stole her dessert. "Does it matter where we sit?"

"Not really." He shrugged, reminding her why Elliot tolerated their dating as he was quite possibly the nicest boy in the school. Gentle, loving, patient, kind and with a slight stammer that he had mostly conquered but that plagued him when nervous. "So my Mom said if it's okay with Liv you're invited to Uncle Mick's birthday barbeque this weekend."

"Uncle Mick!" grinned Eve, remembering her favourite member of Jason's giant family. "He's 50 this time right? I freakin' love Uncle Mick."

"She also said she finished hemming your jeans so you can try them on and check they're right on Saturday."

"Oh amazing, I gotta get her something to say thanks."

"Don't be crazy you know she loves fussing over you. Living in a house of boys she goes nuts for someone to talk girl stuff with."

"Yeah well I don't know what I'd do without Nora! Captain Stabler is many, many truly awesome things but housewife of the year isn't one of them….." grinning with profound love for Olivia, but an acute awareness of her shortcomings Eve added, "… sewing and baking are _not_ in her skillset."

"Yeah but she doesn't wear pearls and pastel twin sets and shout at the TV when she doesn't agree with those scary women on The View….." recalling time spent at his girlfriend's house Jason's laughter turned to an admiring smile, "….. Liv is the cool mom."

"Jase if this is where you tell me my mother is a MILF again I swear to God I'll….."

"Punch me in the arm? Yeah, no, I still have the bruise from last time."

"You're such a dork!"

"A dork who's late for AP physics….." clambering up from his plastic chair Jason pulled a worried expression over his very boyish face and wrapped his burger in a serviette, "… this is gonna have to be to-go."

"Tell your parents I'm totally there at the weekend and are we still on for movie night on Friday?" chewing on a fry Eve smiled warmly, "My Mom and Dad are having friends over so they said we can watch in my room this week as a one off."

"Mr Stabler is gonna let us hang out in your bedroom?" having instilled Jason with a mortal fear right from the start Elliot still held him in a terror grip.

"With the door open obviously….." she giggled, knowing just exactly to what he was referring, "….and he'll probably send Sammy to spy on us the whole time."

"You know for a guy with so many daughters he's still psychotic about you!"

"I guess I'm just the baby or something….." shrugged Eve fondly, "… but honestly from what my sisters tell me they had the _exact _same hell growing up! You should hear some of Katie's stories!"

"Meet you by your locker?" and she nodded automatically as he kissed her goodbye, there hadn't been a day that school year where they hadn't reunited at the end of the day.

"Yup."

"Love you."

"Love you too."

* * *

"So basically we still can't prove anything?"

"As horrified as I am by the notion, I found four different samples on the various items of clothing you brought me from the party…" removing plastic gloves with a snap Melinda Warner sighed, "….unfortunately none of them are a match to either of your guys."

"They're not a match to Arliss and O'Connor either though….." noted Detective Georgia Taylor, unaware of the 16th precinct's history with the Arliss family but no less convinced of the frat boys guilt and not Johnny's.

"Back to square one then." Said Fin flatly, growing tired of chasing shadows.

"I reckon we take another shot at the girlfriends."

"Do we know Johnny has one?" asked Fin, curious.

"No, no not those idiots. The frat guys. Chances are they've got some bouncy haired rally girls cheering their cause….." clearing not a fan of the particular demographic Georgia smiled, "…. and I'd wager it wouldn't take so very long to roll them."

"You don't think it's true love then?" chuckled Melinda, having become exceptionally fond of SVU's youngest detective.

"We're running out of time to nail this. The longer we give those boys time to work with their lawyers and build an iron clad defence the harder it's gonna be."

"Yeah, yeah no I hear ya. We gotta pick up the pace here. You wanna go straight over to Hudson now?"

"I'll warm up the Batmobile." With a curt little nod Georgia made a gracious exit and headed back down toward their waiting squad car.

"You look tired Detective Tutuola."

"I am tired Dr Warner."

"You getting too old for all this?" she teased softly, wandering around the work bench in her white lab coat and reaching to his jaw tenderly.

"Nah, nah there's life in the old dog yet….." he grinned, laying his hands at her waist and drawing her in for a lingering kiss, "…. I still got game."

"Evidently."

"You coming over tonight?" he asked, smiling as she fussed at his collar and smoothed his jacket the way she often did. Little habits were forming and it brought him a real sense of peace and the kind of security he had never had before.

"I don't know….." she asked slowly, noting the way his once jet black hair now caught the light as a distinguished silver, "… am I?"

"I get off early and was thinking I could make my famous paella…."

"Oh I am _so_ coming over tonight….." she beamed, leaning in and kissing him warmly in anticipation of dinner and what usually came after.

"Any time after seven."

"See you then." She nodded, watching him leave and feeling a hot flush of satisfaction. It had been a long road but she finally felt as though they had arrived in a good place.

* * *

"Bambi…" twisting one corner of his mouth to a smirk the familiar stranger peered out from behind curtain wisps of un-brushed hair, "….we meet again."

"You make a habit of sitting outside police precincts in your dirty truck?" asked Eve, chewing a little harder on her gum as she squinted against the spring sun and attempted to remain casually indifferent to his presence despite her racing heart.

"I'm waiting on someone." He replied, having wandered over from his dirt covered truck on seeing her sitting on the wall doing her homework.

"Yeah?" she asked, noting how he gave as little as possible away.

"My cousin….." shrugging the shoulders of his grey hoodie he smiled. Her skin was perfect, lightly tanned porcelain. A far cry from the tired, hard living faces of the women in his life.

"He in trouble?"

"No."

"Are you?"

"I'm just his ride home."

"Where's home?"

"You ask too many questions Bambi."

"You know you were the one who came over to talk to me. I didn't invite you….." stumbling a moment she realised, "….and you never even told me your name."

"Cal…." he offered, softening just slightly to mumble, "… so what you doing sat out on the wall again anyhow?"

"Waiting for my mom to get off work….." and then without allowing him to think any further on her statement Eve quickly clarified, "…. she's a receptionist. She works in document services."

"Sounds like a good time."

"She works a lot….." returning to the truth with a sad little sigh Eve confessed "… she works pretty much all the time actually."

"That sucks…" he saw something in that moment, something beyond the candy coating and princess smile, something that ran true and deep and made her more attractive to him than those eyes and cheekbones, "….buy you a beer?"

"You're funny."

"You don't drink beer?" he was genuinely asking, she realised, a little taken aback. He had absolutely no idea why she found the notion so absurd.

"I'm….." swallowing her next word she flashed a lying smile and finished, "….seventeen."

"Right, right no beer for you….."

"Are _you_ even legal?" she asked, with an awkward attempt at subtle reconnaissance.

"Couple of years shy…" and then, unknowingly grazing the bone, he smirked, "…. Detective."

"You can buy me an ice cream if you want?" she blurted from somewhere semi unconscious, then felt suddenly as though her ability to continue breathing rode on his reply. "There's a place on the next block."

"Sure why not…" pushing his bottom lip out with a rounding of his shoulders Cal reached to his back pocket in search of his wallet, "….let me guess, vanilla?"

"You're an ass." She determined, narrowing her eyes and shooting him the same look Olivia so often pinned Elliot to the wall with.

"You telling me you're not a vanilla girl?" he grinned, the devil in him delighting in the feisty sparks fighting their way out of her prim façade.

"Strawberry….." dangling the word from her tongue Eve watched his cheeks dimple as he smiled and blinking her long lashes slowly she added, "…. extra sprinkles."

"You not coming with me?"

"And be the punch line of a bad afterschool special? I think I'll stay here thanks…." feeling her father's blood running cold somewhere Eve denied temptation and held firm, "… there are security cameras and people to hear me scream."

"You think I'm gonna make you scream?" as soon as he said it he regretted it. She wasn't that kind of girl. But then he caught her eyes and there was some delicious mischief in them. He had startled her, made her blush, gone somewhere no other boy clearly had before but she wasn't angry or disgusted. She just looked curious.

"I'm not afraid of you….." she stated frankly, and it made him feel less guilty for having been so crude, "…. and you think you have me all figured out but you don't."

"You might be right there…" with a sudden, strange sadness and palpably heavy heart Cal mumbled, "…. but you _should_ be afraid of me Bambi."

"Strawberry, extra sprinkles….." brushing aside his comment and flashing a bright smile Eve instructed, "… and don't take all day about it."

* * *

"Mouse! Hey, hey Evie jump in…" came a familiar voice, hollering from the driver's window of their family car as it pulled up outside the precinct five minutes later, "….. get in I can't park here!"

"Dad why are you here?" she asked, with a deep disappointed she made no effort to hide in her expression or tone.

"Gee kid that's _just _the greeting I was going for!"

"Sorry I just…" heart racing she fumbled in her book bag, grabbing a pencil and scrawling in the front of the first textbook that came to hand before throwing it into the dirt behind the wall.

"I know, I get it…" as she clambered into the passenger side she stared horror struck, hoping against hope he hadn't spotted her talking to Cal and that he didn't get it at all, "….you wanted your Mom-time and you got your old man again instead."

"Oh right, that, sure….." nodding quickly she flashed a smile at her father, feeling awful for being insincere in response to his empathy, "…. yeah."

"Things will ease off again at work soon. It just comes and goes in waves with how much time she has to hang out with you guys, you know that right? You understand?" sometimes it felt as though he had spent his whole life defending Olivia's work life balance to their children, "She'll make it up to you."

"I know, it's fine honestly."

"Mouse you don't have to pretend not to….." turning his head fleetingly from the wheel Elliot noted how his daughter's eyes were pinned on the sidewalk though he didn't see anyone they knew, "…. what you staring at?"

"Nothing!" she lied, feeling a crushing of her insides as she watched Cal round the corner with two ice cream cones only to find her gone. "Nothing I just thought I saw a girl from school is all."

"I was just saying that your Mom loves the crap out of you and your brother."

"I know she does and it's cool. You guys worry about that stuff way too much. Sam and I are fine, we see Mom plenty….." though it wasn't entirely true Eve knew it was what Elliot needed to hear and she adored both her parents enough to hide her frustration that Olivia's work always seemed to come first, "…. so just chill out, okay?"

"Chill out?" chuckled Elliot, nodding his head slowly. "Okay, I think I can do that. So how was school? Will we be entertaining young Mr Williams tonight or?"

"No, no I have a tonne of homework….." she didn't feel like seeing Jason tonight she decided, and she knew that was always music to Elliot's ears anyway.

"Everything alright between the two of you?"

"Oh sure, sure we're great. He's still coming over for movie night on Friday."

"Your Mom went to the store this morning to get you stuff for that by the way. Popcorn, soda, some of that ice cream with polar bears in you and Lizzie are nuts over."

"Baked Alaska!" laughed Eve, and then her face falling slightly she forgot her fleeting disappointment over Cal and felt a deeper sadness, "It does suck, by the way."

"What's that then, baby?"

"Like I'm super grateful that she got up so early and went to the store before work and everything I just didn't even see her before school…" sighing with twisting smile of acceptance Eve shrugged, "…. and she gets home so tired it's just hard to talk to her. Like really talk to her."

"You got something on your mind Mouse?" taking one hand from the wheel Elliot reached across and patted her knee paternally, "You can always talk to your old man, you know?"

"I know….." she nodded, slouching back in her seat and flashing him that same adoring smile she had ever since she was ankle high, "…. thanks, but I'm fine honestly."

* * *

"Mom?"

"Hi baby girl…" without fully opening her eyes Eve wriggled over, making a space in the bed for Olivia as she snuck in and enveloped her daughter in familiar arms, "…. I didn't wake you did I?"

"I was waiting up." Confessed Eve who, despite being snuggled under the comforter with her book had been patiently hoping she could stay awake long enough to see her mother.

"I am _so sorry_ I had to stay late again. It's been a hell of a week."

"I know, it's fine….." reaching across and setting her paperback down on the nightstand Eve melted into Olivia's arms and curled her head into its usual place just under her chin, "… I just miss you is all."

"I miss you too Evie-G, so much. Next week will be better I promise. I've got Amaro pulling doubles and your Dad is gonna work some overtime for me….." she rarely utilised her power for personal advantage but on realising how little she had seen of her children lately Olivia had made an exception, "… so I'm gonna be bugging my girl for hang out time I'm afraid."

"That sounds awesome."

"Jane Eyre again?" noted Olivia, clocking the title of the read in progress and propping herself up on an elbow and she puzzled a frown. "I thought you already wrote that paper."

"I did….." nodded her daughter's inquisitively swirling blue eyes that held less lucidity than Olivia was used to seeing there, "… but I thought I'd give it another shot."

"You're not beating yourself up about an A- are you babe? Because even for _you_ that's a little too…."

"I don't care about the grade."

"Huh." Murmured Olivia puzzled, so rare it was that she heard that statement from Eve. From her son, yes, all the time and far too often but that was another story. "That's not like you, sweet girl."

"Mom can I ask you a question?" holding Olivia's arm tight around her waist, needing the physical intimacy to embolden her Eve ventured uneasily, "Promise you won't be pissed?"

"You can ask me anything you know that."

"Dad was still married to Kathy when you guys….." chewing on her lip and choosing her words carefully Eve pushed, "… well, when you figured out you weren't just partners or whatever."

"I've never kept that a secret from you….." nodded Olivia, her voice soft and silken in the patient calm she afford her daughter's curiosity, "… or anyone really."

"I mean on paper it was a really bad idea, right? I love my Dad but he's no saint and he's a pain in your ass most of the time. You could've had your pick of a million guys easier to live with….." flashing a little smile at all the loving spats she had witnessed her parents engage in over the years, "…. why'd you choose him?"

"I didn't."

"Oh I mean I know he was pretty into you too but you chose to love him too so…."

"No, no babe that isn't what I meant. What I'm trying to say is that I had no say in it, it wasn't something I could control….." stroking with repetitive, soothing fingers at Eve's temple Olivia stared down at her with a sighing smile, "…. you can't choose who you fall in love with."

"I guess Jane Eyre kinda had that problem huh?"

"I guess she kinda did." Closing her eyes and laughing warmly Olivia fell in love with her little girl all over again, cherishing every bittersweet moment of watching her grow and figure out who she was and what her place might be in the world.

"I thought I'd better read the book again and give her the benefit of the doubt." What she didn't divulge to her mother, however, was the true impetus behind the re-read. A floppy haired high school drop out with a lopsided smile and cavalier charm who, despite her best efforts, had wormed his way so deep into her consciousness she couldn't get him out again.

"Oh you make me laugh, pretty girl….." suddenly in the quiet moment that followed Olivia had a thought, and immediately voiced it, "… but where is all this coming from? What made you change your mind about poor Jane?"

"I dunno…." lied Eve with a casual shrug, "…no reason."

"Well I don't think it's something you need to worry about with Jason, sweetheart…." unable to think of a more docile teenage boy, or one less likely to hurt her daughter Olivia felt safe in that knowledge, "… he's no Mr Rochester."

"I know. Jase is a good guy, he's a great boyfriend…." it was too subtle a doubt for Olivia to detect, but Eve could her herself trying to convince her wandering heart with her words, "… he's the _perfect _boyfriend."

"You're not thinking about…." misreading Eve's emphatic tributes Olivia felt her heart beat a little faster, "….having sex with him are you?"

"Oh my God you and Dad are _obsessed _with me having sex! I swear my virginity is a hotter topic than gun control and global warming and….."

"I don't like that tone Evie…." losing her soft edge Olivia's eyes became firm and intent, "… and don't you _dare_ be flippant about this topic with me. I am your mother and we are going to have this conversation whether you like it or not."

"You're not my Mom when we have this talk you're Captain of the sex police!"

"That isn't fair and….."

"I'll talk to you, I will I swear. I promised you that before I even knew which bit you put where and I meant it…." from the pragmatic, unabashed way she talked Olivia knew she and Elliot had nothing to worry about just yet, but it was still painfully uncharted territory for which she had no parental roadmap.

"I know I come on strong with you, we both do and I'm sorry for that but I'm not sorry for wanting to protect you Evie. I don't want to make you think that I believe sex is bad or ugly or something you shouldn't experience but I don't want you to get hurt either."

"I know, and I know Dad wants me to be at least forty before I do it but it's cool….." sighing softly Eve met her mother half way, snuggling in a little closer and appeasing her, "….you don't need to worry about me."

"I will _always _worry about you Evie Grace….." smiled Olivia with a weary smile of profound acceptance, responsibility and deep love, "…. whether you like it or not it's my job."


	3. This Slope Is Treacherous

"Anything else Boss?"

"Actually yeah, yeah sit down a minute Taylor."

"Sure…." nodded Georgia, smoothing lightly clammy palms along the thighs of her pants as she took a seat once more opposite Olivia, "… what's up?"

"You're a good detective."

"Oh, well, thanks…."

"You've got good instincts, you're smart in the squad room and fearless in the field. You've shown more potential in this first couple of years here with me than most young detectives do in ten."

"I really appreciate you saying that Captain."

"I heard rumours that you'd been sitting down with a couple of the guys from narcotics. Talking the talk, tossing around a few possibilities, I know the drill. I can appreciate a young, ambitious woman wanting to assess all of her options."

"No, no that wasn't what that was at all!" said Georgia, defensive but not frantically so. She felt mortified that her superior suspected disloyalty but felt uncomfortable disclosing her true motives. "You've gotten the wrong end of the stick Captain I swear. It was just beer and a burger with Mac and Vincent I swear."

"Because if there was anything you wanted to talk about I'd like to think you could come to me first?" speaking slowly, with a careful command of her voice and authority Olivia ventured a measured smile. "I would like to think you would afford me that respect."

"Of course I would."

"I better be the first to know if you're thinking of transferring out of my unit Taylor….."

"SVU is where I always wanted to be. SVU is where I _want_ to be. You have my word I'm not looking sideways."

"So let me say this, not as your Captain but as someone who can give you advice without hypocrisy….." chewing on her lip Olivia twisted a pen between her fingers and leant forward against her desk, "… falling for a fellow officer nearly cost me everything Georgia."

"I…."

"Vincent is a good looking guy."

"Oh no!" now this truly was mortification thought Georgia. At least, from the cosy comfort of the closet she could speak with truth and convincing denial "I do _not _have anything going with Detective Vincent. I really don't even like the guy as a person."

"Oh?" perhaps her sources were wrong, realised Olivia. Perhaps the furtive grin on Detective Taylor's face when she returned from these random lunches with the two narcotics detectives were innocent after all. "Then I apologise. I misread the situation."

"No worries it's all good….." shrugged Georgia, realising that at some point she would have to confide in the rest of the detectives the way she had in Fin, "… no harm done."

"I told you before that you were a good detective and I meant it but you could be a _great _one….." smiling warmly, allowing her professional guard to slide slightly Olivia encourage, ….so just keep doing what you're doing, okay?"

"You got it, Captain."

* * *

"Yeah, yeah no Carly and Jen….. at Jen's place….. no, but her sister is like 21 and home from college….. okay, okay Mom! I'll call I swear….. love you too see you later!"

"Carly and Jen, huh?"

"Oh!" gasped Eve snapped her cell phone down from her ear and pivoted on her heel. "You startled me."

"You forgot your book."

"You got my note?" she asked, referring to the scrawled pencil message she'd inscribed on the inside cover of her history text book two days earlier. Having deliberately left it on the wall for him to find before she'd jumped into Elliot's car she had hoped he would return to the scene of their meeting and discover it. It thrilled her that not only had he done so but he had showed up at her suggested time.

"I'm here aren't I?" he shrugged, as though it were nothing. It wasn't nothing. As the two stared at one another, awkward, nervous, kinetic with anticipation they were both acutely aware in their very souls that this was something.

"Ice cream?" attempting to match his feigned indifference she hoped to heaven she had money in her wallet. "I know a place that serves the best sundae you'll ever have."

"Whatever."

"Whatever…." she mimicked with a shrug, surprise to see he looked a little offended. He was impossible to read. It wasn't indifference he displayed, but a muted coy. His monosyllabic responses were so far removed from her expressive chatter and yet they were far from a sign of insincerity.

"That heavy?" nodding toward her book bag as they started out toward the subway he removed his hands from his pockets in readiness.

"No, no not really it's….." in truth she had a tonne of study books crammed inside it and her shoulder ached horribly, "… why?"

"Hand it over then."

"You're gonna carry my bag for me?"

"I'm not gonna steal it if that's what you're worried about."

"That wasn't what I…." she muttered, sliding the strap from her shoulder and handing it across to him.

"Relax I'm just playing."

"I know….." in truth she didn't, she never knew what he was going to say or whether or not he was joking and with a breathless smile she drank in the excitement of uncertainty "…. it suits you."

"You're diggin' my purple manbag, huh?" he grinned, tossing the book bag over his shoulder as though it were made of foam.

"Can I ask you a question?"

"You can ask….." he shrugged, as he waited for her at the other side of the subway barrier and a train howled it's approach.

"It's just that the other day you said I should be afraid of you…" lowering her eyes and avoiding meeting his gaze Eve navigated her way into the already packed carriage and gulped slightly as he squeezed in beside her.

"Are you asking me if I'm some sort of serial killer?" he smirked, amused at her strange combination of precocious little girl naivety and spirited sass.

"No."

"And if I am….." as he reached over her to hold the overhead bar she could see the ripple of his biceps through his black t-shirt and combined with the mischief in his eyes it made her feel quite light headed as he teased, "… what makes you think I'd confess to you on a crowded 1 train?"

"People know where I am….. " she heard herself say, not caring how ridiculous she probably sounded but hearing Olivia's voice in her head pleading her to be smart, "… if I go missing they'll come find me."

"Relax Bambi I'm not going to tie you up in a basement….." if he had any idea the horror stories she had heard at the dinner table he wouldn't have made that kind of joke to the daughter of two SVU detectives, she thought, "…. that isn't what I meant."

"What did you mean?" was the obvious, immediate question she asked in response as the carriage hurtled into a station and came to an abrupt halt. As she lost her balance and fell forward into him the taught span of his broad chest broke her fall, and as she unthinkingly lay a hand on a ripple of muscle she flushed embarrassedly. "Sorry!"

"Don't apologise…." he shrugged, deliberately wrapping his hand tighter around the overhead bar and keeping his other hand firmly in his pocket to resist touching her in any way, "… you okay?"

"Fine….." she nodded quickly, reclaiming her hand and nodding, "… i'm fine."

"Carly and Jen."

"What about them?" she swallowed, still recovering from having been in such close proximity to him and feeling as though she might short circuit from hot blood and a racing heart.

"You're lying to your Mom about where you are right now….." he had overheard her entire conversation with Olivia earlier, she realised, "…. I'm not a serial killer but I'm a _really _bad idea for a girl like you."

"A girl like me?" she was flirting, and what was more she was increasingly aware of it.

"I'm trouble, Bambi."

"Because we're going for sundaes?" she simpered, her eyes dancing across his face and her lips twisting a smile. "My Mom might not know where I am but other people do. My Uncle's a police officer and he can track my cell phone."

"Okay, okay I get it, you're smarter than you look."

"You saying I look stupid?" she challenged quickly, more for sport than anything. He didn't take the bait however, and just stared at her with a syrupy gaze.

"Nah, nah you…" holding himself back Cal could've thought of a million adjectives to describe how he couldn't take his eyes off her but instead he settled on a muted, "…. you don't look stupid."

* * *

"Kid you know your Dad and I don't care what it is you decide you want to do….." selecting a tool from Elliot's box and then allowing Sam to exchange it for a better one Olivia smiled, "….we'll back your play."

"I know Mom."

"You're sister is the exception not the rule, babe. Most kids her age have _no clue_ what they want to do with their lives so don't let her freak you out. As long as you show up to classes and turn in your homework when you're supposed to that's all I ask."

"Did you know what you wanted to do?" asked Sam, tightening the bolts of the latest portion of the cabinet they had constructed together. "Like when you were my age?"

"Honestly?" she was always honest with him, on that much Sam knew he could always rely. "I think I mostly just wanted to be a grown up."

"Ha…." he smiled, realising that her role in their task was mostly just to read the step by step instructions aloud and hand him the relevant pieces of wood, "… so you didn't pop out of your mom wanting to be an SVU detective then?"

"No, no I didn't….." flashing a diffident little smile she buried her eyes in the instruction manual for a while. Though she had always operated an open door, open heart, brutal honesty policy with her children there was one intrinsic piece of her past that she had kept from them. All Eve and Sam knew was that their maternal grandparents were dead and that Serena Benson had been an alcoholic.

"Were you good in school like Evie?" he asked, sometimes feeling as though he disappointed her with his lack of academic merit. "I know your mom was real smart."

"It isn't all about grades and academia, babe. Your Dad hated school but he's one of the smartest people I know. So yes I ride your ass about studying hard and getting your GPA up but that's only because I don't ever want you to miss an opportunity."

"I get that."

"Good."

"Dad's father was a cop too right?"

"Yeah, yeah he was and a damn good one."

"What did your father do?" it was so innocent a question but Olivia felt herself holding her breath.

She was lying to him. She was lying to herself. How could she claim to be completely at peace with her paternal lineage and still fear feeling shame in telling her children of it? They were coming to an age where they were old enough to understand the horrific, brutal, reality of her work but that was different. This was confessing to them that she was the child of a rapist, that their maternal grandfather was a monster, and that their blood was tainted with the very basest form of human existence. Would it change how Evie felt about men? Would it change how Sam felt about himself? Would it change how they both felt about her?

* * *

"I looked my son in the eye and I lied to him Fin."

"You gotta figure out where you're gonna land here Cheekbones."

"Thanks for that profound insight. I wasn't already acutely aware of the fact."

"Baby girl is a little lady now and the way she runs around with that Jason Williams it's only a matter of time before she's a little woman."

"Fin!" smarted Olivia, not in any way ready to see Eve in that way and desperate to protect her from the emotional aftershocks and implications of sex for as long as possible. "We're not there yet."

"You're here though. You got your boy wanting to know who's the Daddy and those kids gotta hear it from you Liv. What the hell kind of comeback are you gonna have if they dig around and find out the truth from somewhere else."

"I know you're right, I do, I just….."

"What's El got to say for himself?" asked Fin, having grown expert in walking the fine line between being Olivia's friend and closest confident and wandering into her husband's territory.

"He knows he's one push away from my losing my shit at him but only because I know he's right. He's been trying to get me to sit down with them for a while now and he's even said he'll do the talking if it helps but…."

"It don't help, huh?" smiled Fin empathetically. "I reckon this one is just gonna sting no matter when or how you do it. It's not the kind of story anyone wants to have to tell, or anyone wants to have to hear. Those kids are _fiercely _protective of their Momma, they adore you. This ain't gonna be easy for them to wrap their heads around."

"I just have to trust them…" nodding slowly Olivia realised that though she knew exactly what she ought to do, what she had to do, the thought of actually doing it was petrifying, "… trust that they won't see me differently."

"Liv you know that they….."

"Fin this is _so far _removed from anything those beautiful children have ever had to comprehend. Elliot is a giant pain in my ass but their father is a strong, reliable, good man. The kind of man I want Sam to grow up to be and _my_ father…" it never went away, no matter how hard she tried to erase it from her consciousness, "…. was a rapist."

"They're smart, Liv. They've got a lot of innocence to get knocked out of them yet but they're teenagers now. You and El have showed them that if they get in out of their depths they just gotta keep their heads and haul ass right back out again. Just give them a chance to hear what you gotta say and not give a shit. Give them the chance to be the kids you raised."

"Thanks Fin….." finishing her coffee, and her break, Olivia got up from her seat and put her jacket back on, "… I really needed that."

"You gonna sit them down?"

"I'm gonna talk to the other half and….." rolling her eyes reluctantly she managed a little nod as she gave his shoulder a grateful squeeze, "… strategize."

* * *

"So you're an adult?"

"On paper I guess."

"That's so awesome, being able to do whatever you want whenever you want…." sighed Eve with all the beautiful ingenuousness of someone with the unconditional love of two devoted parents, "…. not having to live with an annoying brother and nagging parents."

"I guess."

"Oh I….." flushing hot with embarrassment she realised what she'd said, and how truly childish and insensitive it must've sounded to him "…. that didn't come out right. I just meant it's cool to be independent but I guess not so much when it isn't really a choice….."

"You're all good….." he shrugged, sliding thin lips to a crooked smile, "…. I gotcha."

"Do you ever see your mother?" she asked, a little nervous at first but encouraged by his unflinching expression and open shrug. It was as if he was closed off not because he wanted to be or he wasn't prepared to answer but because no one had ever asked him.

"It's been a few years now."

"You miss her?" emboldened by the way his body was slightly inclined to hers, despite the careful distance he maintained between them on the park bench.

"Maybe it's hard to miss someone you don't really know….." came the slow, wandering response, as though he was thinking as he spoke, "… or something like that. Like I should miss her. I just don't. She wasn't there to begin with."

"How old were you when she left?"

"She never really left she was just…." chewing on his cheek he mumbled, "… gone a lot. I didn't expect any different since I can remember. I got a PCS case file before I could talk."

"You were that young?" she could imagine him. Those watery green blue eyes staring out at the world with absolutely no expectation. No reason to believe anything would ever change. A little boy lost.

"Not that young. I was a pretty backward little kid. I didn't talk till I was like four."

"So how did you get by without talking?" puzzled Eve, having checked out of her sphere of experience a good while back. "How did you get what you wanted?"

"Stole it mostly."

"You stole things when you were four?" if anyone else had been so dumb he would've punched them by now thought Cal. Yet somehow there wasn't so much of a chime of condescension or judgement in her voice, she was just interested, curious, empathetic and eager to comprehend. She reminded him of someone.

"Kid's gotta eat."

"That's so awful."

"I used to pretend…" she was so open, so warmly giving and empathetic somehow he found himself peeling back layers of a tightly fisted onion quite effortlessly, "…. nah, nah it's dumb."

"Tell me?" she asked, her kind face so strangely familiar and yet he couldn't place why.

"I used to tell people my real Dad was in the army. Off fighting some war in the desert….." rolling his eyes self-consciously Cal shrugged, "…. like he was some kind of hero."

"What about your 'real' Mom?" playing along, desperate to set him at ease in any way possible so that he might feel comfortable continuing to confide in her Eve smiled, "Was she like a movie star or a singer out on tour or something?"

"She was a rock star but not that kind."

"Who was?"

"I was really small, so young I barely even remember I just remember her laugh. Like when it's cold out and you grab a coffee or a hot chocolate and it makes your insides all warm. She was like that."

"She sounds awesome…." encouraged Eve, unconciously gravitating toward him so that their legs were just touching while they sat.

"She played with me, stupid tag chase and shit. She packed me lunches. Peanut butter and fluff….." he was somewhere else entirely she realised, lost in the memory, "… with little messages on the brown paper bag to make me laugh at recess."

"Oh no way! My Mom used to do that for me and my brother!" laughed Eve unthinkingly, recalling the silly jokes and fun facts Olivia would write on her lunch bag.

"I wasn't around her for long but some people just stick I guess. You could only know them for five seconds but…" their eyes drifted together, lingering, holding one another's gaze, "…. they change you, you know?"

"I think I do….." she swallowed, the words sticking chokingly in her throat as she realised she would never be able to forget having met this boy.

"She was a real lady. I was an angry little shit but she made it harder to hate the world."

"Have you seen her since?" crossing one leg over the other Eve draped long, gentle waves of thick dark hair over her shoulder and hung off his every word.

"Just once when I was a little older. I was living with my grandparents. She was just the same…" it was hard for him to talk about this woman, she could tell that much, "… lost in her work." After a moment of quiet reflection Cal realised that though he was the one prone to caginess she was equally reluctant to share. "So you got a brother, huh?"

"One younger, two older and three older sisters."

"Catholic?" he smirked, amused.

"My Dad was married before he met my Mom….." shrugging easily Eve smiled fondly on thinking of her siblings, "… but we're all pretty close."

"Nice."

"How about you? You got any siblings?"

"Maybe….." he had shocked her again and he could see it in her face, though she tried to hide it, "…. none that I know of though."

"How can you not know if you….." flushing hot and blushing red Eve swallowed hard, "… oh, oh I get it now."

"God you're such a kid."

"You think so huh?" her heart was thundering so loud in her ears it shut out all other noise and her whole body trembled as it sourced the courage to answer its drum call.

"It's not a bad thing it just…"

"You're wrong…" exclaimed Eve with an impassioned inhale of defiance, as she leant in and smashed her mouth into his, feeling his lips yield and return her kiss.

"No, no this is…."

"Shut up….." she gasped, her hands on his chest where they had longed to be all day as his hand slid to the nape of her neck and as his tongue danced with hers, "… don't spoil it."

"I shouldn't be doing this….." he rasped gutturally, as her delicate hand cupped his face and he felt her lip tremble lightly against his mouth.

"Do you wanna to stop?" she asked, vulnerability rushing in and threatening to drown her with his answer. If he said yes, if he rejected her now she would surely die. She would be unable to bear it. She wanted to kiss him forever.

"Are you sure about this?" he tested, his heart choking in his throat as he stroked at the soft skin of her neck. "Because if you had any sense at all in that pretty little head of yours you'd run like hell right now."

"I…." swallowing hard she realised for the first time in her life what it was to lose her head to her teenage heart.

"You know what I'm gonna walk away now."

"What?" she asked, confused beyond belief and feeling a rising panic as he broke their embrace and got up from the bench. "Wait, no, what are you doing?"

"The right thing….." raking a handful of mousy hair from his face and giving her his eyes he shrugged acceptingly and nodded, "…. you got no business kissing a guy like me Eve."

"Hey!" chasing after him she grabbed his arm and held his wrist fast, her eyes alive and her breathing shallow.

"You don't get to walk away from me! I knew what I was doing when I left you that note and you don't get to make my mind up for me. You don't get to decide what the right thing for me is."

"I should've never come to meet you."

"But you _did _come ….." she dared, emboldened by that look in his eye that betrayed his feelings were every bit as strong as her own.

"It's bad idea to get into this with me kid."

"Too late….." she gulped, blinking slowly and staring at him for a few moments before stepping forward to close the gap between them and raising up on her tiptoes to graze her lips against his, "… too late."

"I don't wanna hurt you…" he swallowed, closing his eyes tight and deliberately keeping his arms at his side, remaining unresponsive to her kiss and her body against his.

"I don't want you to either….." she whispered, pulling away and meeting his eyes, "… so _don't_ hurt me."

"Damn it Bambi…" he growled, bending slightly at the knee and snaking his arms around her tiny waist, hoisting her clean off the ground and kissing her with a hot urgency, "… damn it."


	4. Take My Hand And Take My Whole Life Too

"Just jump!"

"It's too high!"

"You're such a girl…" admonished Cal, running a hand through his hair and holding up a hand to Eve still standing on the wall above him, "… here, give me your hand."

"I'm sorry but how exactly does not wanting to break my ankle make me a girl?" she tutted, the ground still looming large down below as they charted parts of Central Park even after all the summers spent exploring with Elliot she had never seen before. "I'm still gonna fall you know. Your hand isn't gonna do much."

"Sit down."

"What?"

"On the wall…" he instructed, patting the stone and squinting up at her, "….sit your ass down and spread your legs."

"Ermm _excuse _me?" she exclaimed, noting how he hadn't even registered the double entendre. He was simply problem solving, and it took him a moment to realise the source of her horror.

"Oh shut up….." rolling his eyes he muttered, "….just do it Bambi."

"Fine, fine but…" once she was seated it took him all of three seconds to grab her waist and hoist her effortlessly from the wall, a tiny doll against his giant frame, and set her down beside him, "…. oh!"

"You good?"

"Yeah." She lied, in truth she still suspected her heart was floating somewhere several feet above her body.

"Okay good because my insides are starting to eat themselves. Let's go get food….." considering their options for a moment, and then more importantly of the lack of bills in his back pocket he offered nervously, "… hot dogs?"

"Oh my God I know this amazing place where they do this crazy homemade mustard and you get free frickles."

"What the fuck is a frickle?" he would try not to curse around her he thought, making himself a mental note. She barely flinched but he could see in the way her eyes shot toward him it had taken her a little aback.

"It's a fried pickle."

"That's sick."

"Oh you shouldn't say that in front of my Mom she's insane for them. Literally every ball game we go too she eats her weight in fried pickles. My Uncle makes jokes about how she ate so many pickles when she was pregnant with me that he thought I was gonna come out green!"

"I promise not to diss pickles of any kind in front of your Mom..." he grinned, shrugging broad shoulders and adding nonchalantly, "…. not that I'm ever gonna meet her." Then, before Eve could either refute or confirm the claim the path forked and, picking a direction at random he turned around and began to walk backward with a finger pointing behind him "Hot dogs this way or?"

"Nope….." she smiled, unthinkingly reaching out and grabbing his hand as it swung back to his side, "… this way."

"Yes m'am….." he nodded casually, breaking their hands, retracing his steps and following her in the right direction.

"Would you ever _want _to meet my Mom?" asked Eve, partly just curious and partly using it as a way to test the expediency of this strange new world she found herself in.

"In case you haven't picked up on the vibe Bambi I'm not really a 'meet the Mom' kinda guy."

"Why?" throwing her an incredulous look he just smiled. "That was an actual question…."

"Are you for real? I only own two pairs of pants."

"You think my Mom would judge you on your lack of wardrobe options?" but she could see from his reaction he felt far from flippant on the subject.

"I didn't even finish high school, I have no job, no future, I sleep on my cousin's couch and if I'm one arrest shy of juvi."

"Yeah, yeah no I mean I can kinda see where you're….." feeling the crushing guilt of Olivia's heart breaking somewhere across the city, and Elliot's blood pressure making a fatal spike Eve swallowed awkwardly, "…. I mean we'd have to find an angle. We'd have to figure out a way to sell it."

"Bambi the only way you could sell the idea of me to your parents is if there's some kind of Armageddon and I'm _literally_ the only guy left on the planet."

"Yeah well they can think what they want…" tossing her eyes and flashing him a defiant little smile she shrugged, "…. I like you."

"Yeah?" and just for a moment, before his usually smirk set in, there was a glimmer of vulnerability.

"Whatever."

"Whatever." He mimicked, reaching down and pinching the nape of her neck, shaking her side to side like a little puppet as they walked.

"Get off!" as she playfully swatted him away he grabbed for her hand and held it fast, watching for her reaction. She just let him hold it, allowing her fingers to lace between his.

"You're alright Bambi…" he nodded contentedly, as they continued their stroll with her petite hand gripped in his broad paw, "… you're alright."

* * *

"What is this?" asked Georgia with a grimace, holding up a tuppaware and examining its contents from underneath. "Or should I say what _was_ this in its former life."

"Lasagne."

"Oh good, great, so definitely not something that should be green then."

"You get some sort of sick pleasure outta this don't you?" asked Fin from his comfortable seat on the sofa, sipping at a beer and smiling. "Sticking your nose in?"

"Looking after you in your old age you mean?" quipped Georgia with a fond smile. "Yeah, no, it's every girl's dream to fish for mouldy crap in your fridge."

"You know I heard a rumour you might be interested in today."

"What's that then?" peeling back a corner of a foil covered bowl Georgia retched slightly. "I'm guessing that was one of Mel's homemade dips a decade or so ago."

"Man she makes good dip."

"I wish you'd just get the hell over yourself and ask her to move in here. She'd keep your fridge in order…" and then, because after many years of solid friendship she felt entirely comfortable saying so Georgia added, "… she'd keep your life in order."

"I already asked her."

"Yeah, yeah but I mean in the post Tyra era ask her."

"She ain't never gonna forgive me for that."

"Cheating on her with Dolly Parton's younger, less attractive cousin?" snarled Georgia, betraying the fact that in truth she hadn't forgiven him either. "Yeah, no, you're not even close to having paid your dues for that one buddy."

"I messed up."

"Fin _you're_ messed up."

"Shut up."

"You know I love you….." tossing the remainder of the waste food into the garbage and tying the sack with a flourish Georgia looked up and met his eyes, "… I speak with fondness."

"You're a wiseass."

"So what's this gossip you got for me then?"

"There's some kind of giant geek fest for microscope-huggers this weekend….." hauling his increasingly overweight self up from the sofa Fin looked for a reaction as he revealed, "…and Doc Warner Jr is flying in."

"Rachel's coming to New York?" swallowed Georgia, her mouth suddenly paper dry.

"There's more….." wiggling his eyebrows Fin prolonged the moment teasingly.

"You're a dick. I should let you eat mouldy lasagne."

"She's not dragging the Ginger Ninja along for the ride this time….." and then falling to sincerity Fin added sensitively, "… she's coming alone."

"Don't call him that. He might be a douche but he's still her husband."

"How'd you feel?" he asked, wandering into the kitchen and narrowing his eyes with concern. "Knowing she's gonna be in the city?"

"How am I supposed to feel?" shrugged Georgia, able to reveal her very truest self to him and only him. "It's fine. I'm fine. It just is what it is, you know?"

"It's exhausting pretending to be someone you're not. Or pretending you're not who you are. Either way I wish you'd just trust Liv enough to see how much easier it'd be to tell the truth."

"Like I told you before Fin she's not 'Liv' to me she's Captain Stabler…" sighing heavily Georgia confessed, "… and besides it's not her reaction I'm afraid of."

"G it's not like you're the first gay detective in the NYPD."

"You're the only person I ever told who still treats me the same way after finding out as they did before. Everyone else lost their shit and even if they hid it well it changed everything. My parents, most of my friends back in Washington….." and then perhaps the one that was still the most raw, "… Rachel."

"You know I won't ever breathe a word but just promise me you'll think about it?" he asked gently. "I trust Liv with my life and I _promise_ you she'd have your back. Hell she's like a freakin' lioness with her detectives you know that."

"I just don't wanna lose anyone's respect."

"Girl my respect for you went up a million fold the day you had the balls to come out to me on the side of a red dirt road in Georgia and I swear to you anyone who's worth giving a damn about will feel the same."

"I know you're right. I know Ken's right. I just….."

"It's hard, it is, I know that…" reaching out and bringing her in for a hug Fin held her fast and sighed, "….but you ain't ever gonna be happy walking around in the dark."

"I'll think about it, okay?" and then, because they both knew she had been saying that for the past ten years she managed a sighing smile. "But seriously this time, I promise. I'll really think about talking to the Captain."

"I got your six G: always."

"Ditto."

* * *

"Hi Calvin."

"S'up….." shrugged Cal, drilling his eyes into the interrogation room table and willing the floor to open and consume him whole. He knew that voice. He had loved that voice.

"It's been a long time." Speaking slowly, hesitantly, testing her feet on what she knew would be fragile ice Olivia chose not to sit opposite him. She didn't want to put anything between them. Instead she took a perch on the edge of the table beside him and spoke softly, "You're a young man now. How old are you? What, about eighteen?"

"Nineteen."

"You did a good job growing up….." she smiled softly, kind eyes pouring over his endearingly dishevelled hair and strikingly attractive face.

"I was with him. Johnny came home early from that party. He didn't beat up that girl."

"Calvin….." she sighed, having initially believed Johnny Arliss' story but now unable to deny the compelling battery of evidence the frat boys' lawyers had presented, "….do you realise the implications of what you're doing for your cousin here?"

"Yup."

"You live with him?" clasping her hands in her lap and reading him empathetically like she did every other messed up kid who fell through her precinct's revolving doors. He put on a good show with his hostile body language and grunted responses, but she could see he was afraid. Though externally he was tall, muscular, a strong young man: inside he was just a lost boy.

"Ummhmm."

"So if Johnny gets put away….." offering up the suggestion with her eyes fixed on his face for a response Olivia tested, "… you wind up with no place to go."

"Whatever." He shrugged, from which she took it would not be the first time in his life he had had to fend for himself. The notion burned her.

"Calvin what happened to your grandparents?" she couldn't help but ask, having appeased her conscience all these years believing he was safely with them.

"Look I told you what happened. We ate pizza, we watched a movie and he didn't beat up that girl."

"Which movie?"

"I dunno I….." making as though to search his brain for a non-existent title Calvin ran a hand through his hair, still avoiding her eyes, "… Rocky."

"What did you have you your pizza?"

"Cheese….." he replied flatly, realising her game, "… it was a cheesy, cheesy pizza."

"Calvin….."

"Can I go now?" he asked, shunting his chair back from the table and landing his boots as though to leave.

"He didn't just beat her up."

"Look I gave you the benefit of the doubt here because….." because she had held him like he was her own, read him stories at bedtime, stayed with him till he fell asleep, "….but if you're just gonna chat shit about my cousin then….."

"He raped her."

"What?" now she had his eyes, green blue and capable of profound love and loyalty: just how she remembered them.

"The assault charge against Johnny is sexual, Calvin. He raped her."

"No, no he wouldn't…."

"She's a freshman just staring out in college. A sky high GPA, runs track, got a tonne of friends and she's beautiful. She is _beautiful_ but she won't ever trust a man again after what someone did to her at that party. He bound her hands with his belt and he held her over the stove at knife point while he raped her."

"Jeez….."

"I have a daughter just like her."

"You've got kids?" he always thought it possible but somehow hearing it stole his breath away.

"She is bright, and smart, and funny and she lights up the whole room just walking in it…" drifting somewhere else for a moment he could hear Eve's laugh in his ears, feel her stupidly small little hand in his, see her eyes looking at him like he was the only person in the world, "… and it would break my heart if anyone ever stole her light."

"How old is she?" he asked, curious now. "Your girl?"

"My point is that by protecting your cousin you are stealing any chance his victim has of getting that light back. She needs justice. She needs to know that the man who did this to her is going to be punished."

"You got any other kids?"

"Don't help him get away with this Calvin?" she entreated, only ever willing nowadays to give just enough of herself to get the job done and feeling as though she had already laid herself vulnerable enough. "So how about you tell me what you really know about what happened that night?"

"I….." he started, chewing on his cheek and rounding his shoulders in a shrug.

"Please?" then suddenly something in him turned, twisted, flipped. Looking up at her he felt a gnawing at his heart and he was a little boy again. A little boy being dragged kicking and screaming from the squad room, out of her arms and out of her life.

"Johnny left the party early. We ate cold cheese pizza. We watched a movie. I think it was Rocky. He didn't do it."

"Calvin….."

"Shut up!" he balked, throwing back his chair and rising rapidly to his feet. "Stop saying my name like that. Like I owe you something…" watching his jaw tighten, his muscles tense, gripped by that blind rage she had witnessed in Elliot before he mellowed Olivia's heart stopped as he gnarled, "…. because I **don't** Detective Benson."

"I know you're angry but this isn't you. You're a good guy. You're better than lying for someone who….."

"Someone who what? Someone who's had my back my whole life? Someone who's put a roof over my head and fed me this whole time?"

"That…."

"You don't know who the _hell_ I am because you quit!"

"Oh Calvin…." she swallowed, tears rushing at her eyes as every single feeling she ever had for him came rushing back and drowned her heart.

"You told me we were gonna be family. You told me you were gonna take care of me always. You fed me a bunch of bullshit and then you just let them take me….." blood rushing to his head he was a child again, losing the only unconditional love he had ever known and knowing for the first time what it was to feel his heart break, "…. you didn't even fight."

"I did I swear I ..."

"Then you have the stones to stand there and tell me Johnny is a liar?" with a muted yell, so soaked in pain it was agony to her and she lost the power to form words in reply. "He might be an asshole but he's the only person who was ever fucking straight with me!"

"Calvin I am so sorry, I so very sorry you have no idea….."

"Go to hell Olivia."

* * *

"Her mom is sleeping with her dental hygienist….." announced Eve, tucked into a coffee shop corner booth a block away from her best friend's house, "… we keep her secret."

"So she lets you pretend you're staying at her place?" nodded Cal, understanding the situation a little more. "Sweet deal on both sides I guess."

"It's pretty convenient….." agreed Eve, shovelling up a forkful of cake, "…. and it keeps my Mom quiet and my Dad from killing you."

"What? Though to her it was exciting, intoxicating to live this secret adult life to him it was just sad in a way he couldn't quite understand. He was the guy you hid from your parents.

"I'm not even joking….." widening her eyes and feeling a little nauseous just at the thought of Elliot she gulped, "… if my Dad knew I was here with you it really _would_be Armageddon."

"I don't wanna get you in trouble with your family."

"You won't."

"I'm serious….." prodding at the leftover cheesecake on the plate between them Cal sighed, "… they're more important than you realise. Maybe than you'll ever know."

"You okay?" she asked, seeing he was suddenly clearly not. "What's up?"

"Nothing….." he lied, remembering the pain in Olivia's eyes as he'd told her to go to hell earlier that week.

"Cal they wouldn't let me see you….." walking her index and middle finger across the table she wormed her hand into his, her dainty fist entirely enveloped in his broad palm, "… and I want to see you."

"Yeah?" he tested, his heart somewhere in his throat as she looked at him for the first time not as a wide eyed little girl but as a young woman falling for him so hard and fast it took her breath away.

"Do _you_ want to see _me_?" she asked, his answer already etched in every muscle of his face as green blue eyes peered adoringly from behind strands scruffy hair.

"Yeah, yeah I wanna see you….." he nodded, twisting his mouth to a smile and leaning in to kiss sweet, sugary lips, "… you taste like cake."

"Strawberry kisses….." came her beaming smile in reply, their noses rubbing with a tender intimacy of two people falling into each other's orbits.

"What's your real name Bambi?" realising he didn't know it yet he knew he ought to feel bad and yet somehow he didn't. It mattered little to him what the rest of the world called her, but he still wanted to know. He wanted to know everything about her.

"Eve….." she murmured as she leant in and kissed him again, increasingly addicted to the high it gave her, "….well, Eve Grace but most people call me Evie."

"Evie Grace….." pulling away he just stared at her, long and hard, saying the words out loud and knowing they would be from that moment on forever imprinted on his soul, "… that's cute."

"Yeah?" smiling softly she tilted her head, not in the least bit uncomfortable that their eyes had not parted in several long minutes.

"Suits you."

"But you're pretty much just gonna call me Bambi for the rest of time aren't you?" she didn't care, she actually kind of liked that he teased her. It meant he cared.

"Yup….." holding her perfect cherry chin still between his thumb and index finger he kissed at her lower lip, biting it gently with his teeth and feeling her smile against his mouth, "… pretty much."

"It's cool…" she shrugged, pretty sure he could call her anything and she'd be just fine with it "… I don't mind."

"No?" playing with the charms of her bracelet he threw her a lazy, loving smile. "So can I, you know….." fingering the delicate silver letters 'O' and then 'E' and then 'S' he ventured falteringly, "… like text you or whatever?"

"Sure, sure you can text me….." reaching for the pen the waitress had brought with the check she lay his hand flat on the table so she could write her number on it, "… what's yours?"

"I don't have one….." he confessed, not entirely sure where he would find the money to change that fact but determined he would do whatever it took, "…..yet."

"You don't have a cell phone?" asked Evie, incredulous.

"No but I'll get one…" and it was then, in the corner booth of some diner she wouldn't remember the name of that without realising it Evie Stabler fell hopelessly, helplessly, head first, eyes wide shut, heart wide open in love with Calvin Arliss, "… so I can text you."

* * *

"You should've seen him, his _face_….." swallowed Olivia, turning away and shaking her head distraught, covering her face with her hand with a whispering choke, "… he **hates** me El."

"You did everything you could."

"No, no, no I didn't."

"Liv don't do this to yourself….." he sighed, resisting her protest and dragging her across the couch into his arms, "…please."

"I should've fought harder to keep him, I should've fought harder for him….." and then realising the true depth of her failure Olivia sighed, "…. I should've fought period."

"It wasn't your place. He had a mother and father who had the right to decide what the right thing was for their son and they chose his grandparents."

"Elliot if you could've seen him. He's lost. He's _every bit_ as lost and confused and broken as he was the day they dragged him out of my arms."

"That is **not** on you, babe."

"Then who is it on? Who stands accountable? Who takes responsibility for the fact that that beautiful child was passed around like damaged goods his whole life? Who owns the fact that he's living with his deadbeat cousin Johnny who is most probably a rapist? He's lying through his teeth to protect that waste of oxygen because he really does believe he's innocent. That's the worst part in all of this, he trusts him….." tears escaping down her cheeks Olivia laughed bitterly, nauseated at the notion, "… he thinks he's the only person in the world hecan."

"It sucks that his life turned out that way Liv it really does but he is _not _your responsibility….." shrugging with the same belief he had all those years earlier Elliot added gently, "… he never was. You were only ever a stop along the road to him. It was only ever temporary and he knew that right from the start."

"He didn't. He did _not_ know that and do you know why? Because I let him think it was forever. I told him I'd take care of him _always_ and he believed me. I gained his trust….." realising how in her desperate yearning to be a mother she had unknowingly, unconsciously, unintentionally broken a little boy's heart, "… and then I let him down. The way his mother did. The way the whole damn world has."

"Liv no…."

"I should never have taken him on Elliot. I was in no fit state."

"This is just the guilt talking and…."

"No!" she protested, with the torturous perspective of hindsight. "I wanted a child. I wanted to be a mother _desperately _and then all of a sudden there he was. This scruffy, wiseass little thing who just needed someone to cling to, someone who wanted him around. He needed me but I needed him too and I got too close. I got too close to him and I let him get too close to me and then I stood by and let them take him away….." closing her eyes and leaning in to Elliot's chest she swallowed a sob, "…. and can't forgive myself for that any more than he can."


	5. Rocket Ready To Crash And Burn For You

"That is SO not a word Jase, buddy!"

"Sure it is Evie says it all the time."

"She makes shit up."

"Language Sam…." warned Elliot, before breaking into a wide smile and acknowledging "… but yeah, no, Mouse definitely makes shit up and Sam's right that isn't a word."

"I do not make shit up!" protested Eve, her long hair swept back in a ponytail as she sucked on the straw in her coke and pulled a face.

"Are you all done saying 'shit' or do I have to get the cuss jar out?" scolded Olivia, and knowing just how serious she was the kids and Elliot alike all dutifully apologised.

"Fine, fine I'll just turn it into 'house' instead….." looking between his girlfriend's brother, father and mother for approval as he so often did Jason asked nervously, "… is that okay?"

"Sure, sure buddy you're all good now….." as Elliot nodded with a relaxed smile and took another sip from his beer Olivia couldn't help but feel contented. It had taken a long time for her to help Evie convince her father that her having a boyfriend was not the end of the world and to help her gain is trust, but it was finally paying off. Elliot no longer treated Jason Williams like a leper, and had even stated offering him rides to football practice when he took Sam.

"You figure out what you want to do for your big birthday coming up yet Mouse?"

"Nope….." shrugged Eve, entirely indifferent to the hoopla, "… it's really not that big of a deal."

"It's sweet sixteen Evie it's huge!" protested Sam, rearranging the letters in his tray with a puzzled expression.

"Ignore them baby girl, you do whatever you want it's _your _birthday." Intervening with her usual voice of reason Olivia rescued Eve from a conversation she knew she didn't want to have all over again. Her daughter had never been one to follow the pack and if Eve didn't want a big fuss made over her sixteenth birthday then Olivia would create the space for her to celebrate just as much or as little as she chose to and hold the men in her life at bay. "So I reckon we're still another hour or so shy of that chicken being done but….."

"Are you _sure _Mom?" winced Eve diplomatically.

"She's scared you're gonna cremate it like that turkey last year!" smirked Sam, incurring a sharp clip round the ear from his mother as Olivia got up from her seat to tend to her masterpiece.

"I thought your Thanksgiving turkey was delicious Mrs Stabler."

"Kiss ass…" cringed Eve, as Jason flashed Olivia a creeping smile.

"Language Mouse."

"Jason you can stay for dinner and enjoy my delicious garlic butter creation….." narrowing her eyes at both her children Olivia added drily, "… and you two can fend for yourselves."

"Do I get to enjoy your delicious garlic butter creation?" asked Elliot, sliding out from his chair and grabbing Olivia on her way past.

"You get to carve and wash up….." she replied with a brief kiss and instructive smile, removing his hands from her hips so as not to give Jason any ideas.

"Lucky me."

"Seriously Jason….." looking over to where he was chatting with Eve and Sam she smiled warmly, "… you wanna call Nora and ask if you can stay for dinner?"

"Sounds great Mrs S, thanks!"

* * *

"Do you have, like, _any _upper body strength Bambi?"

"The balls here are all so heavy!" protested Eve, pushing out her bottom lip with an embarrassed giggle as yet another of her bowling balls made a pitiful drop into the gutter at the side of the lane and failed to knock down any pins.

"Only 'cos you've got little chicken wings…." teased Cal with a smirk, wrapping his hands around her upper arms and waving them up and down, "… don't ever get in a fight or you're screwed."

"I don't get in fights."

"You gotta put your shoulder behind the ball more."

"Oh sure, right, _that's_ your secret….." she scoffed, tossing her eyes and thwacking a playful hand against his taught chest, "… not the fact you're like twice the size of me."

"Here, come here, I'll show you…" rolling one of the lighter balls around between his broad palms Cal sauntered from the score board toward the lane, signalling with a tilt of his head and a shake of curtain hair that she ought to follow him.

"Stand here?" she asked, plating her feet shoulder width apart and looking over her shoulder to him.

"Yeah, except for kick that leg back and bend….." handing her the ball so he could manipulate her body like clay he kicked her in the calf, forcing one leg set back before working on her posture, "…. right, now you're gonna lean in with this shoulder yeah? This is where you're power is gonna come from."

"How'd you learn this stuff?"

"You mean how'd I find the time to go bowling between shoot outs and dealing crack to kids?"

"What happens to this arm?" she asked, ignoring his teasing and waving at him with her left hand.

"I vote you just rock the jazz hand like you've been doing the past few turns….."

"Screw you!" she cried, giving his shoulder and firm shove as she utilised Olivia's favourite argument closer.

"Okay, okay, fine, seriously put your feet back where they were and stick your fingers back in that ball…" grabbing at her waist he moved in close behind her, pressing his chest close into her back and reaching down to hold her wrist as she swung the ball back and forth a her side, "…. feel that?"

"Ummhumm….." she swallowed, her heart dropping like the Time Square ball on New Year's as he reached around her front with his left hand and pinned her to him with a firm palm spread against her flat stomach.

"Now once you don't look like a duck having a seizure doing this you can take a run up, but for a start just bend your knees, lean in with your shoulder and keep your eyes on where you want the ball to go."

"A duck having a seizure?" she queried, as they swayed back and forth in perfect unison rehearsing her imminent bowl. "I will drop this ball on your foot, asshole."

"Just bowl, Bambi."

"Okay fine, fine get out of my way….." she instructed, shrugging him off from around her shoulders and replaying all of his instructions in her mind, "… like this? Am I right?"

"Go for it."

"Okay but I'm not so sure this is gonna..." hurling the ball with all her might down the lane and then standing with her eyes closed in hope Eve couldn't bear to look, "… did I get any?"

"Open your eyes."

"No way!" she shrieked, clapping her hands against her mouth in jubilation as a collection of white pins hit the wood. "Was that three or four?"

"Four down that's pretty….."

"Five! It's five check it out! I got five!" doing a mini dance of excitement she wrinkled her nose and grinned from ear to ear. Running over to him, into him, falling against his chest and pounding it with gentle ineffectual fists she beamed "I did it! I don't totally suck!"

"You don't totally suck…." he nodded, a wide smile taking over his whole face and setting his thin set green eyes alive, "… nice going chicken arms."

"Chicken arms no more….." she declared, flexing her fairly non-existent muscles for him before draping her arms around his neck and rising up on her bowling shoes to kiss him, "…. I got skills."

"You got mad skills Bambi….." he laughed, hoisting her at the waist and folding her into his arms as she instinctively tucked up her legs and wrapped them around his waist.

"I had a good teacher….." she whispered against his lips, locking her mouth on his and kissing him softly, "… your turn."

"I'm on it….." he lied, wandering backwards until the backs of his knees hit the bench seating and they both fell back onto, "….any minute now."

"Wanna make this interesting?" sitting back in his lap she walked her fingers up his chest and challenged, "Loser buys dinner?"

"We're not staying out for dinner."

"You scared I'm gonna beat your ass now I'm a pro?" she grinned, leaning in and stealing another prolonged kiss.

"You're at the library doing a history project right now, yeah?" asked Cal, his fingers wound around the belt loops of her jeans.

"Yeah, yeah I'm learning about the Boston Massacre as we speak….." closing her eyes she allowed herself to get lost in his kiss, feeling to melt into him like ice cream as her tongue danced his and she could feel the warmth of his body and his mouth on hers.

"Then you're gonna be eating dinner at home….." throwing his head back, the only physical way he was able to break their chemistry Cal tossed her like a rag doll from his lap and firmly asserted, "… with your family."

* * *

"Hello? Anyone here?" wandering into Melinda Warner's lab Detective Taylor looked around. "Dr Warner?" she had hoped that by putting in a little overtime she could break a lead on at least one of their open cases and put herself more firmly on Captain Stabler's professional, rather than personal radar.

"Georgia?" came a husky, painfully familiar voice from the bathroom. "Is that you?"

"Rachel….." she swallowed, ice blue eyes lifting to meet with a slightly older version of the woman she had unknowingly given a piece of her fragile heart to on a Staten Island ferry many years earlier.

"What a nice surprise to see you."

"It's not really a surprise is it….." replied Georgia, maintain a poised calm, "…you've always known where to find me."

"Please let's not do this?" asked Rachel softly, clasping her hands at her waist and twisting at her gold wedding band uneasily. "I'd hoped we'd put all that behind us the last time I was in New York."

"You mean when you got drunk out of your mind and…"

"I remember what I did."

"But let me guess…." sliding her lips to a knowing smile of regret Georgia sighed, "… you're still not ready to talk about it?"

"There's nothing to talk about. I'm happily married and it was just one of those things that happen when people get drunk at weddings."

"People get drunk at weddings all the time Rachel….." spat Georgia crossly, "… they don't all grope their friend in a bathroom stall."

"I wish you would just let me be your friend instead of….."

"Be my friend?" twisting her face with frustrated disappointment Georgia shook her head slowly. "My friend wouldn't treat me like a leper when I told her I was gay. My friend wouldn't kiss me and then somehow make it my fault, like I lured her into that bathroom with my secret lesbian powers. My _friend_ would have the decency to talk to me like an actual person and not some dirty mistake she'd rather forget so she can go back to living unhappily ever after with the most boring man on the planet."

"So you're _still_ determined to make this about Gray and I?"

"Because it is."

"No, no it….."

"Look me in the eye and tell me that Grayson has _ever_ made you feel the way you did kissing me."

"I…."

"Trust me when I say that I know what it is to be afraid to be honest with the world about who you are but the truth is Rach….." shaking her head sadly and, shoving her hands into the back pockets of her jeans Georgia sighed, "….you're not even being honest with yourself."

"I am married to a man. I am _married _Georgia."

"You can put a carrot in a fruit bowl but it doesn't make it fruit.

"I'm not gay."

"Your wet panties were pretty gay for me in that bathroom stall."

"You're disgusting."

"So people keep telling me."

"Be fair! That isn't what I meant and you know it!"

"You be fair! Actually you know what forget it. Have it your way. I don't even care anymore. I'm done trying to….." rolling her eyes pivoting on her heel Georgia cursed herself for allowing the world to bait her yet again and, walking away, muttered, "…. I'm just done Rachel."

* * *

"What the hell happened to you?"

"It's nothing."

"Someone rearranged your face Cal that isn't nothing!" clambering into his truck Eve leant across the stick and reached a hand to his black eye. "Does it hurt?"

"When you poke it."

"Oh, sorry!" she gasped, a little breathless from the sprint she did most day from the school gates to his waiting truck. "You get in a fight?"

"Yeah, yeah with a kitchen cupboard."

"Okay you're not a battered housewife and that lame excuse wouldn't even work on me if you were." It wasn't just that she was smart, though she clearly was, she had instincts. She could sense things, interpret situations in a way that constantly surprised and confounded him. "What really happened?"

"I guess my cousin and I got into it or something."

"Wait…." twisting to look behind her she clocked the sleeping bag and empty beer bottles rolling around in the backseat foot wells, "… did you sleep in your truck last night?"

"No."

"Did you rent it out to some other guy who drinks his Corona with a side of Peanut Butter cups?" arching Olivia's immaculately sculpted and powerfully shrewd eyebrow Eve challenged, "Don't bullshit me Cal."

"Don't cuss Bambi….." he winced, grabbing her cheeks in his strong hand and squeezing them into a fish shape, "…. you're face is too pretty for bad words."

"Shut up!" biting her teeth and attempting to nip his hand she remained undistracted. "What'd you do piss your cousin off?"

"Will you quit it?" came a mumbled protest as he turned his keys in the ignition. "Put your belt on."

"When you tell me the whole story!" damn she was persistent he thought, his guard down entirely as she failed to land a delicate play punch against his arm and it struck his abdomen.

"FUCK ME!"

"What?!" she cried, almost yelped. He had scared her.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry I didn't mean to shout….." gasping for air, his face a greenish white he reached across and squeezed her hand apologetically, "….sorry."

"Cal….." recovering immediately it didn't take her long to source his outburst, and kneeling up in the passenger seat she ignored his protest and reached over to peel back his t-shit, "….oh my God."

"It's fine."

"You need to get this checked out….." murmured Eve a little breathless at the horrific sight of his black, purple and yellow abdomen, "….. you might be really hurt. You might be like, bleeding internally or something."

"I'm not bleeding fucking internally….." he was laughing at her but in truth it was the first time anyone had shown so much concern for his wellbeing in as long as he could remember, "… quit fussing."

"Your cousin did this to you?" she asked, her warm palm spread flat against his bruise. As she spoke, poured over him with worried eyes, her fingertips stroked his muscled skin ever so gently. "Why?"

"Because he's a piece of trash….." turning away from her and throwing his eyes out of the driver's side window Cal swallowed grimly.

"Cal what happened?" allowing his shirt to fall back into place she lay a gentle hand on his thigh, stroking it through the denim of his jeans. Leaning toward him and waiting for him to turn his head back she asked again, "Talk to me?"

"He did something."

"Like, something illegal?" she guessed, by the darkness behind his eyes.

"I defended him. I was so sure, so goddamn sure he didn't have it in him to…..."

"To do what?" he couldn't tell her, he couldn't take that light from her eyes. She still believed in the good in people, she still saw the world the way it should be, she didn't know the brutal, gut twisting realities of it the way he did. He couldn't take that from her. He wouldn't.

"Something I'll never forgive him for….." he answered cryptically, hair falling over his eyes as he lifted a hand to her face and cupped it lightly in his hand, tracing her nose with his thumb, "… something no bastard should ever be forgiven for."

"But Cal what are you gonna do now?" she asked, not caring one bit about his cousin only that he was okay. "Where are you gonna live?"

"Bambi can I ask you something?"

"Course?" she nodded, not caring in the slightest about his cousin only that he was hurt.

"Do you think there's such thing as doing the wrong thing for the right reason?"

"No."

"What? Just no?" he couldn't tell whether she was tragically naïve or terrifyingly wise. "Not even….."

"If you know it's the wrong thing and you do it any way…" replied Eve steadily, "… how can there ever be a right reason?"

"Life isn't always that simple."

"You talking about your cousin?"

"Look I think I gotta go….." said Cal, though it pained him to do so. "There's something I need to go…" closing his eyes and feeling every one of his nineteen years and then some he sighed, "…take care of."

"Sure, sure yeah of course….." she nodded quickly, a little too quickly, "… no big deal."

"Hey….." as she bent forward to gather up her things he reached across and brushed a sweep of coffee coloured waves over her shoulder and rested his hand on it, "….hey?"

"What?" she asked, sitting back in the passenger seat and giving her best performance of indifference.

"This…." ignoring the gnawing pain in his side as he leant over and kissed her tenderly. Closing her eyes and allowing her head to tilt back she melted instantly, her disappointment fading away as he kissed with the kind of insatiable desire Jason Williams never had or would.

"Don't….." she gasped breathlessly, reaching over and fisting a handful of his t-shirt and dragging him back in when he threatened to pull away, "….don't stop."

"I gotta go….." he smiled, stroking at the small of her back where her t-shirt failed to meet her jeans and a flash of lightly tanned skin was warm and soft, "…. I gotta go…."

"My Mom and Dad have a dinner Saturday night and my brother is going fishing with my uncle….." swallowing hard her breathing was slow and shallow, her eyes wide and anticipative, "… come over?"

"That is _not_ a good idea….." he replied immediately, almost certain he could not trust himself to be alone with her and not allow kisses as intoxicating as theirs to blind his judgement.

"We can just watch a movie or something."

"You wanna watch a movie? I'll take you to the movies."

"You're living in your truck….." she pointed with a shrewd smile, "… you can't afford to take me to the movies."

"I'm not coming to your parents' house Bambi."

"I'll make you dinner. We'll just sit on the sofa and watch TV that's it, that's all….." stroking at his wide set neck, tracing the drop of his Adam's apple with her thumb she flashed a teasing smile, "… don't be chicken."

"I'm not chicken you little dork….." of course he was. She was a dazzling powder keg of long, lean limbs and her mother's exquisite beauty and their kisses were giving off sparks. He was terrified to be alone with her without witnesses.

"So will you come?"

"No, no I won't….." holding his ground, as unbeknown to him her petulant fifteen year old heart pounded with frustration at his resistance, "…. and you can pout all you like Evie but I'm not 'watching a movie' with you on your parents' couch."

"Fine, fine we'll go to the movies….." she sighed, throwing herself forward and stealing one last kiss adding, "… but I'm paying."

"Nah, nah you….."

"Not negotiable…." she insisted without giving him time to interject, "… you can pick me up at the usual place around 7 okay?"

"I'll be there."

* * *

"Captain there's someone here to see you."

"If its Tucker again tell him three times in one day is really starting to border on…."

"He says his name is Calvin Arliss….." said Georgia, swinging on Olivia's door and pulling a curious face, "… any relation to Johnny?"

"Calvin's here?" seeing something more than the desire to close a case in her Captain's eyes Detective Taylor didn't speak in reply but simply nodded her head. After almost a decade keeping her sexuality under tight wraps she knew all too well when someone was hiding a secret that hurt to keep.

"Can I tell him you'll see him?"

"Yeah, yes, yes of course….." nodded Olivia quickly, rearranging the papers on her desk and pushing her hair behind her ears, "…. show him in."

"Sure thing….." leaning out of the office and beckoning to the dishevelled figure wandering in anxious circles further down the corridor Georgia smiled at him, "…. hey, kid? Come on up."

"Hey."

"Calvin it's so good to see you again….." once again choosing to leave her seat, remove the table separation between them and show him she was open and engaged Olivia moved around her desk and gestured to the two free seats, "… come in, take a seat. Thank you Detective Taylor."

"Over and out." Nodded Georgia with a salute, closing the door behind them and leaving them to their privacy.

"What's going on?" she asked, folding one leg over the other as she took a seat beside him. "How can I help?"

"He did it."

"Wh….." she began, then holding herself back she allowed the statement to breathe a minute before she spoke. Calvin's stonewash jeans were old and frayed all along the hem that covered well-worn work boots. His old black t-shirt was almost grey and she was fairly sure the entire outfit was the same one he'd been in the last time they'd spoken. His hair needed a good brush, let alone a cut, and though his physique was wide set and impressively sculpted the attractive chisel of his jaw and cheekbones betrayed a lack of consistent meals.

"Johnny."

"Cheesy pizza….." said Olivia slowly, having written Johnny Arliss' alibi up on her case board more times than she cared to recall, "… and Rocky. That's what you told me happened when Johnny left the party early that night."

"He didn't….." stumbled Calvin with a reluctant muttering, keeping his eyes fixed on a point on the floor, "….leave early."

"Calvin are you saying that you're no longer prepared to provide Johnny Arliss with an alibi for the assault and rape of Lauren Knight?" though her insides were in knots, and it took every ounce of control she had not to reach out and hug the young man she still saw as a lost little boy Olivia maintained her professional edge.

"You gonna make me say it?" he smarted, throwing his eyes at her. He was in agony, she could see it in his face, feel it in the way his whole body was tense. It killed her to witness. "I didn't come here for shits and giggles Olivia. He did it. He beat the crap out of her. He put a knife to her throat and did her against the stove and he's fucking **proud **of it."

"I know this is hard for you to….."

"What happens now?" she could feel him holding her at arms-length. She was just the Captain of the SVU to him now.

"I need to ask you some more questions. I need to know how you've gone from being so sure he's innocent to knowing he's guilty. You're on record defending him, providing him with an alibi. If we're going to make you credible I need to make the reason for your changing your mind absolutely….."

"Last night there was a bunch of them round our place. The guys he was at the party with. We were drinking, smoking….." lifting his eyes briefly, meeting hers and finding no judgement he trusted her just enough to continue, "…. we were high and just talking crap and they all start bragging. It wasn't fine at first I didn't care, same shit different day right?"

"No, no but carry on."

"I'm not a hypocrite and I'm not perfect."

"Not a single one of us is…." smiled Olivia gently, her warm brown eyes melting his guard the way they always had.

"There've been girls before, lots of them. They were just around at the house but it didn't matter. They didn't matter. It's different now though…" chewing so hard on his cheek he tasted blood Cal confided, "…. 'cos she matters."

"Who matters?" she knew that look. All his anger fading, all his sharp edges softening, the way his eyes opened and his soul exposed when he spoke of this girl. It was how she had first known Elliot was in love with her.

"Johnny was bragging about how this perfect little Barbie thought she could be a cock tease and get away with it. How she thought privilege was a right and she was so much better than him. How he taught her a lesson. How he showed her she wasn't."

"He said that to you? In those words?" tested Olivia, darkness filling the room.

"She called him a feral dog so he made her his little bitch…" quoted Calvin, recalling the words Johnny had spoken seconds before he had launched himself at him and incurred the bruises he now wore.

"I'm going to need to you repeat all this for tape Calvin. Lauren is going to need you to go on record with everything you know, are you prepared to do that?"

"He's my cousin."

"I know."

"He's all I've got."

"I know, sweetheart….." she was the only person in the world who had ever called him that because they cared, and not because they wanted something from him, "…. and I am _so sorry_ that it has come to this."

"She's like this little angel."

"The girl that matters?" smiled Olivia, her heart aching to see the gentle giant he became when he spoke of her. The way his face turned from a disgruntled scowl to a lopsided smile.

"Big blue eyes, shiny hair like in the commercials and this laugh that's like….." but suddenly his smile faded and his eyes glazed, "… if anyone so much as lay a finger on her I'd break their fucking neck."

"Calvin…." a little breathless with the unequivocal intensity of Calvin's statement, and the way his body language was poised to wage war for this nameless girl Olivia murmured, "… that's what changed your mind isn't it? She's why you came here?"

"Johnny raised me, but me and him….." locking his chiselled jaw around the words Calvin nodded acceptingly, "…. we're done."

"What you're doing is _incredibly _brave and….."

"No it isn't." Snapped Calvin quickly, his watery green eyes shooting up to meet hers.

"I…."

"I'm fucking ashamed I was raised by that sick son of a bitch. I'm fucking ashamed I share his blood because he thinks that what he did to that girl makes him a man….." shaking his head slowly, disgustedly Calvin swallowed, "….. but he's not even human."

"Calvin you have _nothing _to be ashamed of, not even close….." as she reached for his hand he pulled away, but she tried again and that time he let her hold his wrist, "… you are **not** like him."

"He's my family."

"I learned a long time ago sweetheart we have two kinds of family. The ones who share our blood and the ones who share our hearts….." clenching his jaw to prevent his lip from trembling Calvin nodded slowly, his soulful eyes misting lightly as her gentle hand squeezed his wrist, "…..do you have _any _idea how proud I am that you came here tonight?"

"Whatever…." he muttered, shaking her hand from his wrist and turning away.

"Calvin look at me….." he resisted, "….look at me please?"

"What?" he mumbled, grudgingly peering at her through curtain hair.

"I know you're pissed as all hell at me but just bench that for a second, okay? Forget about me and you for the moment, we'll get to that later. This isn't about what happened then, it's about what's happening now. It's about you putting everything you've got on the line, everything you've known, to do the right thing….." choking up herself Olivia warned, "… don't you **dare** be ashamed of who you are."

"I just wanna be able to sleep at night….." exhaling heavily Calvin looked to Olivia and shrugged his shoulders, "… so whatever you need me to do I'll do it. I want him to go to hell."

"I'm afraid that's a little outside of my jurisdiction…" by God she was still every bit as warm, and giving and gorgeous as he remembered her and she could still effortlessly raise a smile in him, "….but how about we work on a good long stay in Rickers?"

"Yes m'am."

"Oh God don't m'am me, you'll make me feel a hundred years old!" laughed Olivia, always hating the courtesy as she poured over him and remembered all the reason's she'd fallen in love with that boyish smirk and those devastatingly mischievous eyes.

"So are we done here…." however much relief he might have felt at having the weight of Johnny's confession lifted from his conscience, his feelings toward Olivia had remained unchanged, "…. can I go?"

"I'll need you to come back in first thing tomorrow and make a formal retraction of your alibi. Then we need to talk to Alex Cabot and start figuring out how we're going to…."

"So what? Like 9 or?"

"Yeah, yeah 9am sounds great."

"Okay."

"Calvin your face, that black eye…" hesitating slightly she knew it perhaps wasn't her place, but seeing him as her responsibility now as a witness if nothing else she ventured, "… are you okay? I mean are you going to be okay? Do you need…."

"I'm fine…." he nodded, and she watched him visibly shut down on her again "….. I'll be just fine. I don't need anyone." He didn't need her, spoke the voice between the lines as he closed the door behind him and left Olivia teary eyed and shattered by their meeting.

* * *

"I got your text."

"I shouldn't have sent it."

"You got a cell then?" she asked, ignoring his seeming regret at having contacted her and slamming the door of truck. Parked several blocks from the house address she had given him so as to be cautious he was still acutely aware that he had dragged her from the safety of her home in the middle of the night. He felt badly about it, but not nearly as bad as he'd felt sat alone in his truck haunted by his cousin's actions and his own crippling loneliness.

"Yeah, yeah I got a cell." Or, rather, he had stolen one from the regular supply of illegally obtained electrical goods in his brother's van.

"Cal what's wrong?" she asked, knowing in her bones that though he wasn't ordinarily the most overtly cheerful of people something was deeply troubling him. "Are you okay?"

"Where'd they think you are right now?" he asked, already growing tired of their secret life and feeling constantly guilty for allowing her to lie to her family and friends about seeing him. "Your family?"

"They're not home….." soft voiced she told him the truth for once she felt her heart rate quicken a little, "… we've got four hours."

"You wanna go for a drive?" he smiled, feeling the weigh settled on his chest beginning to lift a little just being around her.

"Sure…." she smiled, tossing her purse down by her feet and strapping herself in, "… where to?"

"Anywhere, nowhere….." he shrugged, putting the truck in gear before laying his palm upturned, open on her thigh, "….where'd you wanna go Bambi?"

"Anywhere….." she echoed, sliding her hand into his and holding it as they pulled away, "… nowhere."

"Favourite movie?"

"Amelie."

"Who's she then?"

"Amelie Poulain she's this waitress in Montmartre, Paris and she's the good kind of crazy."

"The good kind of crazy?" puzzled Cal curiously, kissing at her hair that smelled like coconuts as she lay on his chest in the backseat of his truck. Maybe that was what this was, he thought as she prattled about the plot and he pretended to listen. Maybe all the reasons he shouldn't have allowed a seventeen year old to sneak out in the dark to see him didn't matter because feeling her heart beating against his chest was the good kind of crazy.

"Audrey Tautou is just gorgeous in it and it's clever and so European and oh I want to go to Paris so bad!"

"So go."

"Not yet, I don't have enough money saved and but maybe after I'm done at Brown."

"So you're going to Brown?" he asked, not at all surprised that she knew exactly which college she was going to or that it was a world class institution.

"It's my first choice school. I think I maybe want to be like a public defender or something one day. My Mom's best friend is this _amazing _attorney and I go to watch her work sometimes. She says how I'm really good at arguing and that's pretty much what she does so….." hearing herself talk and talk Eve hesitated a moment and added at a mumble, "…it's probably a just a dumb idea but….."

"Hell no…" he replied confidently, curling his arm a little tighter around her waist and giving her an encouraging squeeze, "… you go get 'em Evie Grace."

"What about you?"

"What about me?" as she rolled onto her belly and looked down at him he just smiled up at her with that crooked mischief grin she adored. "Don't give me that look Bambi."

"What look?" she whispered, her hair falling in his face as she bent down and tantalised him with hot, hungry kisses. Rolling his eyes he turned away, still smiling as he squirmed out from under her and sat upright with his back against the window.

"You know."

"Kiss me….." she commanded, with the devil on her shoulder and desire in playful blue eyes. Then, leaning forward she held her lips against his and murmured "…only don't stop like you always do."

"Bambi….." he stalled, removing her tiny, dangerous little hands as they lifted at the hem of his t-shirt, "… nah-ah."

"Close your eyes."

"No."

"Close your eyes."

"I'm not playing your games little girl."

"I'm not playing….." she shot back, her eyes wild and demanding as she crossed one arm over the other and then whipped her white t-shirt over her head with one swift movement, "… and I am _not _a little girl." She certainly was not, he thought, swallowing with a gulp as his eyes soaked up lightly tanned skin and the same toned curves Olivia Benson had bewitched boys with at her age.

"Evie put your shirt back on."

"No."

"I said put your…." as he reached across to retrieve it and demand she re-dressed herself she grabbed his face, kissing him hotly and wiggling herself across the seat until she was nestled between his legs.

"Don't you like me?" losing all the confidence raging hormones and blind desire had afforded her Eve pulled away, looking deep into his green blue eyes and murmuring.

"Bambi you have no idea….." he groaned, his head thudding against the window as he closed his eyes and swallowed hard and fighting with all his strength against rising desire.

"I'm not ready to have sex with you….." she stated clearly, establishing her boundaries and her trust in him, "…. but you don't get to treat me like a child." Feeling his warm hands on her back she moved herself so her legs were wrapped around him and peeled his black t-shirt over his head to reveal the bruised muscle of his chest.

"If we do this, if we start down this road Bambi there's no going back…" he warned, knowing just how hard he was falling for her and seeing in her eyes she felt just as strongly toward him, "… you have to know that. You gotta be so sure that….."

"Cal I'm sure. I want this ….." she nodded determinedly, never having felt more deeply certain of anything in her young life but confused by his distance, "…. don't you?"

"Yeah…." he rasped, grabbing at the nape of her neck and sinking his mouth on hers, finally allowing himself to give in to the burning desire in his blood and kissing her impatiently, "…yeah I want this."

"Pants stay on….." she gasped, pushing him against the window, crushing her pink floral bra against his chest and flashed him that wild child grin that hid between her pretty girl simper, "…. okay?"

"You're something else Bambi….." he rasped with a besotted smile as her hands wandered his chest, "… you know that?"

"Cal I know this isn't the first time you've…" swallowing slowly she realised she had never felt more alive or quite so light headed, "… I just want you to treat me like any other girl okay?"

"No…." he said firmly, resolutely, without even pausing to draw breath, "… not okay, not a chance."

"Why not?" she asked, wondering if this was what drunk felt like, wondering if this was what love felt like.

"Because you're not any other girl….." he murmured gruffly, his broad palm tracing a line across her collarbone which he then followed with gentle kisses, "… you're not just any girl."

"So you _do_ like me?" she grinned, draping her arms around his neck and kissing his smile.

"I am the worst idea you ever had Bambi but of all the things you should be worried about right now…" confident she was fully in control of him Cal folded her into his arms and ignoring his aching bruises crushed warm skin on skin and kissed her hotly, "…. me not liking you isn't one of them."


	6. Not A Girl Not Yet A Woman

"What does he play?"

"Who?" asked Olivia, rummaging around her in her draw for a pen as Calvin sat slouched in the chair opposite and peered at the photographs on her desk and certificates and plaques on her walls, "Play what?"

"I assuming he's your boy….." noted Calvin, with a pang of sadness he quickly cauterised, "…. and from the jersey number I'm guessing he's on the offensive line."

"You're another football nut, huh?" she groaned, throwing her eyes at the picture of Sam in in his beloved uniform and smiling. "You'd fit _right_ in at my house." As his drifted sadly to hers the two stared at one another just a little too long to be comfortable. In another lifetime he _had_ fit right into her home.

"That is one fat baby….." breaking the tension gripping the room he reached out and picked up the frame beside Sam's, grinning at the beach baby and her pink sunhat in the photograph with amusement, "…. I dig the hat though."

"Trust me that butter wouldn't melt face is a complete con. She stopped being cute around about the same she stopped being built like a little Michelin man."

"She's trouble now, huh?" he laughed, setting the frame back down and watching Olivia roll her eyes fondly.

"You have no idea…." remembering those precious, fleeting days where chubby little Evie Grace was yet to develop her own wilful opinion Olivia laughed, "…. she's fifteen going on twenty five."

"You got kids of your own after all….." said Calvin, all his selfish anger and resentment melting away for a moment as he witnessed the unconditional love in a mother's eyes, "…. I'm glad."

"Calvin if I could change what….."

"Sorry that's me….." fumbling embarrassedly for the cell phone he still kept forgetting he had Calvin grabbed it from his jean pocket and turned it to silent, "…. I'll turn it off."

"Send your reply if you like…." smiled Olivia warmly, relieved he seemed to be relaxing a little more around her and keen to encourage it, "… we'll turn it off before we get Fin and Amaro to take your statement and you sit down with ADA Cabot."

"I'll be real quick."

"Take your time I'll go set things up in the interview room, grab the detectives and come back for you."

"Okay…." he nodded, and she watched curiously as his whole face lit up on reading the incoming text. It was as if he was suddenly a different person. His tensed body language relaxed, his shoulders softened, and he smiled the way he had as a little boy.

"_Bought movie tickets, see you at 7 tomorrow. E x"_

"_p.s. You were wrong about sea turtles. I Googled."_

"_Your a dork"_ he replied, and then hating she had already bought the tickets added: _"p.s. I'm paying. I'll give you cash."_

"_**You're**__ a dork, no you're not, and where's my kiss?"_

"_No your a dork."_ He replied, deliberately misinterpreting her correcting of his grammar and imaging that adorable look of infuriation on her face.

"_I hate you." _Came the quick fire response.

"_No you don't."_

"_p.s. X"_

"You ready?" called a voice from the doorway as Olivia returned to collect him.

"Yeah, yeah let's do this."

* * *

"You sounded serious on the phone."

"Did I?" asked Eve nervously, dragging the sleeves of her sweater down over her hands and fidgeting with them as Jason took a seat opposite her in the computer lab.

"My Mom packed me an extra slice of pie for you at lunch. It's apple and cinnamon."

"My favourite."

"I know…." smiled Jason, leaning in for a kiss she awkwardly dodged and allowed to land somewhere by her ear.

"We need to talk. I need to talk. I need you to just listen."

"Are you okay?" he asked, knowing Evie Stabler wasn't one for staccato sentences. She was never a fan of using just five words when you could squeeze ten in. Her darting eyes, wringing hands and breathy speech set him on edge.

"I feel like I'm having a stroke….." she confessed, a girl of habit and routine and a five year plan feeling more vulnerable out on this limb than she had in her life.

"You want me to call the nurse?" he was so adorable, she felt her heart contract. So simple, so uncomplicated, so everything any girl could ever want in a high school boyfriend. Only she didn't want him anymore.

"Jason you're the nicest person I've ever met."

"Why does your face look like that isn't a good thing?" he asked uneasily, seeing the strange sadness in her eyes.

"I swear the last thing I would ever want to do is hurt you. You don't deserve it. You deserve a girl who treats you like the incredible guy that you are and….." lowering her eyes she swallowed stinging tears and whispered, "… and that girl isn't me. Not anymore."

"Evie are you freaking out about college again because we talked about this. You're gonna go to Brown and I'm gonna go to NYU and you're gonna come home all the time to visit your family and to visit me and it's gonna work out. We're gonna be fine."

"Jase please….."

"We're perfect Eve. We're just perfect. My Mom sees you as like her second daughter …."

"And I love Nora, I do, but….."

"Sam and I are real tight and I think that your Dad is even starting to hate me a little less lately so….."

"My Dad doesn't hate _you_ he just hates any boy who breaths the same air as me."

"Your Mom thinks I'm alright though doesn't she? Liv is always super nice to me when I come over."

"Yeah, yeah no my Mom thinks you're great but….." squeezing her eyes shut and fighting hard against how easy it all was, how simple her little life had been before Calvin Arliss had lit a rocket under everything.

"So we're all good then?"

"My Mom thinks you're a really great guy and she's right. You are. You're sweet and kind and thoughtful and you remember every stupid little anniversary we ever had."

"Like the first time we ate lunch together?"

"You're the best first boyfriend in the whole entire world Jason Williams….." she smiled with a deeply genuine sentiment, "….and you are my _best _friend."

"Okay, again, why does your face make that feel bad when it should be a good thing?"

"I love you but... like I love my Mom and my Dad and Sammy and not….." she was crying now but not just for him, for everything that he represented, she was growing up and it hurt,"…. not how a girl is supposed to love a boy."

"Oh my God you really are breaking up with me aren't you?" he swallowed, his whole face falling a thousand storeys as he of all people knew once Eve made her mind up there was little anyone could do to change in. "Are you serious? Is this for real?"

"I really think it is." She nodded quickly, tearfully, searching his face for the forgiveness she couldn't live without. "Do you hate me? Please don't hate me!"

"I don't hate you. I could never hate you. I just don't understand you Evie…" and he never really had, if he was honest with himself, he had just been besotted enough to do whatever she wanted whenever she wanted and not ask too many questions, "….and I don't get what changed. How were we fine one minute and breaking up the next? What happened?"

"I don't know I….." maybe it wasn't even about Cal, it certainly was just about him she realised now. Looking at Jason looking at her, seeing her old self reflected back it was as though she was suddenly trying to fit her feet into shoes that were too small. Trying to wear a sweater she'd outgrown. It might have happened overnight, it might have happened when she had her back turned, when she wasn't looking, but somehow she wasn't the same person she was before.

"Is it another guy? Did someone else ask you out?"

"No, yes, kind of….." she didn't want to lie, not to him, "… it's complicated."

"We're in high school Evie how complicated can it be?" he shrugged, and just stared with a blank helplessness at her.

"I'm sorry….."

"I don't understand."

"Neither do I….." she confessed, that tight grip she had had on her life now powerless to the sand running through her trembling fingers, "…. and I'm sorry I can't explain this all better to you I just wanted to be honest. I want to be honest with you Jase and…."

"Yeah well maybe I don't! Maybe I just want you to still be my girlfriend and me be your boyfriend and we just not worry about whatever this weird thing happening here is."

"I have Math and if I'm late again Mr White will kill me."

"I'm not letting you break up with me Evie."

"I don't know what to do with that Jase…" she sighed, fresh tears pricking at her eyes as she realised for the first time just what complicated really felt like, "….because this didn't really go how I thought it would. I thought you'd get mad and shout at me."

"Did you?"

"Well no, no because you don't really every get mad or shout but….." trying to do the right thing was so much harder when the other person didn't play their part, she thought to herself frustrated, "…. you're just not acting like a person who just got broken up with and I don't know what to….."

"You're gonna change your mind Evie. You're just having one of your freak outs…" getting up from his chair he smiled with his besotted, puppy eyed baby face and pecked a kiss against her cheek, "….and tomorrow it'll all be back to normal and we'll just forget we ever had this conversation."

* * *

"Diet?"

"Yup."

"Thanks…." smiled Eve, impressed with his willingness to share diet soda despite the fact he usually protested wilfully at it's strange aftertaste, "… no popcorn?"

"You whine about popcorn mouth and its annoying…" muttered Calvin, plonking down beside her and feeling her immediately scoot over and nestle in close, "… so I got Skittles."

"So I can taste the rainbow?" she snickered, the cinema spotlights twinkling in her blue eyes.

"You're such a little dork….." grabbing at her waist he pinched and tickled her lightly, snaking his arm around her waist and leaning in to kiss her, "… but yes, yes Bambi so you can taste the rainbow."

"You want all the purple ones?" she asked, rooting through the package and fishing out her disliked candy colour.

"What's with you hating on grape, it's the best flavour!" chucking a couple back into his mouth he chewed exaggeratedly for her to emphasise his point.

"It's gross and so are you!"

"You want some grape kisses?" he grinned devilishly, pinning her to the seat and stealing kisses as she squealed mutedly but bar the odd wriggle made little real protest.

"Get off me you goofball! Quit!" covering his mouth with her hand she wrinkled her nose in disgust and licked sickly sweet lips.

"So what's the movie?"

"It's a….." hesitating she reaching for their drink, taking a deliberate sip of the straw before carefully managing his expectations, "… well I know I said it was a kind of action/drama but there _is_ also a romance in there. A little one."

"A little romance?"

"And I think it's supposed to be funny too."

"So it's a funny, romantic action drama?" asked Cal with a sceptical knitting of thick brows. "Bambi you're a shit liar."

"What?" she simpered with a careful bat of thick lashes and a valiant attempt to distract him from his line of questioning.

"This action and drama…" his hand casually falling across her lap and stroking at her thigh he twisted his lips to a knowing smile, "… it's just a chick flick with a cat fight isn't it?"

"No."

"Great."

"Okay fine, fine it's probably kind of a girl film but it won't be so bad….." eyes darting about the fairly empty movie theatre Eve flashed him a suggestive smirk, "… it's pretty dark back here and I'm pretty sure you can find a way to entertain yourself."

"You smell different."

"Bad different?" she prickled apprehensively, but quickly assumed not when he leant in to get a closer assessment of her hair and neck.

"Don't sniff me!"

"You smell like…" tilting his head and just looking at her, just staring at her and laughing to himself at how adorable she was and how powerless he was to it Cal decided, "… like mangoes."

"Oh!" she cried with a breezy smile. "Yeah, no, that's my Mom's body butter. How do you know what mangoes smell like?"

"Fuck off, I live in a truck not on Neptune. I like mangoes…." he shrugged, playing with the fingers of her right hand like they were putty to be moulded, "…. usually in a Thai curry but….."

"You can cook?"

"I can cook Thai curry with mangoes in it."

"You're making that up."

"No."

"You think a Blueberry muffin counts as one of your five a day but you can randomly whip up a….." thinking better of reminding Cal of all his shortcomings yet again she wandered in a different direction, "….so will you cook your Thai curry with mangoes in it for _me_ sometime?" she asked with a knowing purse of her lips and doe eyed simper.

"Not if you keep conning me into chick flicks….." kissing her neck and gently inhaling the sweet smell fruity smell of her warm skin she could feel his lips pull to a smile, "… but keep smelling this good and I'll think about it."

* * *

"So this is where you're hiding."

"Hiding? No….." shaking his head with a quiet smile Elliot stood in the corner of the lavish charity dinner with his hand clasped behind his back, "…. just a little low profile recon."

"You look like hotel security stood like that….." teased Olivia, reaching around his back and shaking his hands loose, "… should I be looking for a wire?"

"I'll have you know this wallflower gig is quite a draw for the ladies. I've had a few fairly decent propositions tonight."

"I know you hate events like this….." sighed Olivia gratefully, leaning in for a kiss, "….but it means a lot to me that you're here."

"You nailed your speech. I don't know why you ever doubt yourself."

"You know you can still really wear a suit Stabler….." she smiled, drinking in the crisp lines of his best Armani and tugging with a smirk at his collar, "…. you look good tonight."

"Betty Nevin just told me she finds men with no hair very distinguished….." maintaining a perfect poker face he turned to his wife and raised a pointed brow, "… I don't know who she was talking about but…."

"Oh no, no me neither….." furrowing her brow exaggeratedly Olivia pursed her lips and, running a loving hand across the light stubble of hair still clinging to his head she maintained, "…. you're still putting Elton John to shame, babe."

"I'm getting old."

"Where did that come from?" she asked, linking his arm and giving it a squeeze. "Have I given you too much time alone to think tonight?"

"My baby girl is sixteen in a few days and Sam is right behind her. I'm just waiting for Maureen to call and use the 'G' word any I can start picking out a plot."

"Don't even try to tell me you're not insanely excited to be a Grandpa and just _ruin_ that kid!"

"Fine, fine you got me but…."

"You reckon Maureen wants kids though?"

"Yeah, no, so maybe I'm just waiting for _Lizzie_ to call and….." chuckling to himself he sighed, "… or Katie, maybe, but that hurricane taking on being a mom terrifies the crap out of me."

"Oh leave her alone she'll be amazing."

"You're amazing."

"Nice segue….." she smiled, that million dollar smile that had earlier reminded an entire room full of NYPD heavyweights why she was one of the most respected precinct Captains on their books.

"I mean it, Liv."

"Shut up."

"I might not love these events but I wouldn't miss one. You do more than your fair share for me."

"Are you scared if you stop being my plus one I'll stop doing your laundry?"

"I've just been stood here thinking is all. About how many times you've stood in for Kathy when she couldn't make it back to the city for Dickie and the girls. About how you've spent more time in Chicago than any New Yorker should ever have to."

"I've grown strangely fond."

"You treat my kids like they're your own and they respect you more than you know. The kind of relationship you've built with them is….."

"Did I miss an open bar?" she inquired, looking up at him and wondering as to the source of his melancholy musings.

"I'm not drunk I'm just…" rolling his eyes he shrugged, "… just don't think I'm not more than happy to be Mr Olivia Benson for a few nights a year is all, okay?"

"Okay…." she nodded, with that adorable little smile he so often saw on Evie's face.

* * *

"Isn't she supposed to be in Italy?"

"Hollie's in Italy."

"So who's that?"

"Marty."

"Who's Marty? asked Cal, his whisper hot against Eve's neck as she tried to concentrate on the movie. "Is she the one who sounds like she swallowed a bee?"

"Shut up and just watch….." she protested, their arms and legs entangled in the darkness and, having grown bored for the girlie romantic comedy a good while earlier Cal was finding childish ways to amuse himself.

"Stick your tongue out…" while licking at her ear he'd noticed his was purple and when she turned her head and obliged his request he noted hers was red, "… you ate all the strawberry ones didn't you?"

"Let me guess yours is purple?" she smiled, knowing he would have ploughed through the grape Skittles as earlier predicted.

"I'm bored Bambi….." he mumbled quietly, walking his index and middle finger up her thigh and then pushing them under the hem of her shirt tickled lightly at her stomach.

"Stop talking people are looking round….." she hushed with a hiss, swatting his hand away and shooting him a warning glare, "…. shush."

"Humph….." he was only playing at being disgruntled and she knew it. He might have slouched back into his seat but he would sit through the rest of the movie without making a peep, she had every faith.

"Hey….." she whispered, her eyes catching fire in the darkness as she squirreled her way under his arm and, nestling against his chest, she stared up at him as though waiting for something.

"What?" he asked curiously, stroking at her back as his arm draped around her shoulder and he looked down at her with a furrowed brow.

"This….." swallowing slowly, feeling it all the way down her throat she lay a hand against his chest and then slid it ever so gradually down over his abdomen until she reached the belt of his jeans.

"Bambi…." he mouthed, shaking his shoulder length hair back and forth slowly as she employed her other hand in the unfastening of his buckle.

"Shush….." she teased, holding her index finger against perfectly pursed lips and batting her lashes slowly, "…. no talking."

"No, na-ah, no…" slapping the back of her hand he used the free hand that wasn't around her waist to swipe her away, "…. quit it."

"I know you don't mean that….." she gulped confidently, her hand sliding inside his unfastened fly and touching hardened desire for the first time, "….see."

"I can't control that…" he moaned gutturally, fishing for her hand and wrapping a firm grip around her tiny wrist, "….but I _can _control this."

"You can't control **me**…." she breathed, seeing that no one was watching before leaning up and crushing her mouth on his. Feeling a warm rush of longing between her legs she deepened their kiss, sliding her tongue between his teeth and freeing her hand from his grip returned it from whence he'd retrieved it.

"Yeah, yeah I'm figuring that out….." he groaned, far from a saint required to resist her. He was trying so hard to be a good guy but it was painfully hard on so many levels and in that moment all of them physical. Evie Stabler made his heart race, his breath shallow and brought light into his otherwise dismal world. She was beautiful and in so many ways more fearless than he was. Fighting not to take advantage of those innocent baby blues was nigh on impossible when the young woman behind them was so wilfully determined to do whatever the hell she wanted. And she wanted him.

She was figuring things out too. How none of this was quite as adult or convoluted as Olivia had made it seem. Kissing him, holding him, touching him was incredible and she knew he felt the same way about her. The way Elliot spoke about boys and girls it seemed so dangerous and wrong but she couldn't have felt safer buried in Calvin's arms in the lazy darkness of a half full theatre. This wasn't scary it was wonderful, and she couldn't understand how anything that felt this good could be wrong.

* * *

"I don't need another sex talk Mom."

"You think I haven't noticed the way you've been acting lately Evie?" challenged Olivia carefully. "And do you think your father hasn't noticed that smirk his little Mouse has been walking around here wearing?"

"Mom!" horrified at the mere mention of Elliot in the same sentence as anything sexual Eve's blue eyes widened like saucers. "That's gross!"

"All the texting, all the time you've been spending with clingy Carly. You don't even like Jen enough to hang out with her as much as you reckon to have been this past week let alone Carly!" though she had allowed things to get away from her a little with the demanding hours she worked at the 16th precinct Olivia was regaining her hold. "The stork didn't drop me off yesterday baby girl and I know what's going on here."

"You do?" if this was free-fall she was never signing up for a skydive thought Eve, her heart in her throat as she ran through all the ways Olivia could possibly have found out about Cal.

"I know you haven't had sex yet Evie because I know you would have told me."

"I haven't!"

"I trust that….." and then employing every mother's secret weapon Olivia fixed her daughter with firm but loving brown eyes, "…. I trust you."

"So….."

"I'm not going to treat you like a child Eve. I'm not naïve. You're a teenage girl feeling _all_ the things that teenage girls feel and believe it or not I can actually remember far back enough to know what it's like. You're trying to figure out what's real in all the butterflies and... "

"You mean hormones?" asked Eve, pragmatic and deeply comfortable around her mother. There was nothing she couldn't talk to her about, there was nothing she couldn't confide in her. Except for Calvin, she thought guiltily, but that was different.

"I guess I do, yeah."

"You've taught me well Mom and I remember it all. No love, no glove. Wrap it up. You can't go wrong if you shield your….."

"Evie!"

"Canvas the trailer before you…"

"I do **not** want to know how you were about to finish that sentence and if you don't stop right now we are going to fall out lady."

"I get it Momma."

"Don't you Momma me to get out of….."

"I know you see horrible things at your job."

"Eve….." but the truth was she had struck straight to the heart of the matter and Olivia couldn't deny that the SVU had forever changed how she herself viewed sex, and how desperate she was to protect her children from its dark side.

"But I don't want to be afraid of sex…" trusting Olivia, holding out her heart in her hand Eve spoke softly, "…. because there are good guys out there, right?"

"Of _course_ there are baby girl….." sighing heavily and closing her eyes Olivia wondered whether she had pushed too hard, gone too far, crossed the line between cautioning Eve and frightening her, "…. and I know because I married one of them."

"But first you had me!" unable to help but laugh Olivia knew that mischief in Eve's eyes. It told of how her daughter knew that where her conception was concerned the cart had come before the horse. "So I'm pretty much a walking advertisement for sex not being the devil's handiwork."

"That isn't to say it didn't get me into a hell of a lot of trouble….." she was nearly sixteen, rationalised Olivia, and it was time she was trusted with the more complex facets of her mother's history, "….and it is a double edged sword, sweet girl. Trust me on that."

"But…."

"It can make you feel stronger and more powerful than you've ever felt but _just_ as easily it can leave you so vulnerable and powerless it'd take your breath away."

"I know."

"No, no Evie Grace you don't…." shaking her head from left to right Olivia swallowed, "… not yet you don't. You think you know it all because you know what goes where but you don't know anything Evie and what I'm afraid of, what scares the hell out of me is that you won't understand what I'm talking about until it breaks your heart."

"Mom are you crying?" asked Eve worriedly, sliding down from the breakfast bar and throwing her arms around Olivia's neck. Hugging her tight she didn't say anything else. She couldn't. She adored Olivia more than words and it was words that would get her in trouble. It was words that would have her confess what she did to Calvin Arliss in a dark theatre. It would mean admitting to herself what she wanted him to do to her. So instead she just held her mother close and said nothing, hoping she couldn't feel how hard her heart was beating.

"Baby?"

"Yeah….." swallowed Eve, after several long moments in which she had simply hugged her mother and allowed Olivia to hold her baby tight.

"Are you thinking…. are you feeling…" steeling her courage Olivia kept loving arms around her and spoke without criticism or judgement, "…. like you want to have sex with Jason? That you're ready to take that step?"

"No."

"Because even though I think that you're so very, very young and I might not love the idea I want us to be able to talk about it, okay? I don't want you to be afraid of how I'm going to react."

"What like when Dad threatens to kill me for kissing with tongue?"

"Don't be so harsh on him Evie. You have no idea how hard this is from this side of the fence. But as far as you and me go I want us to be honest with one another. I need you to know that you can _always _come to me and that I will try my best to answer all your questions and…."

"Did you just know?"

"Did I just know what, baby?" stroking the side bangs from Eve's eyes Olivia cupped her cheek lightly in a soft palm.

"That you were ready to do it. Like did you just meet someone and have this feeling like….." her heart and her head so full of Cal she was afraid Olivia would see the way she flushed pink, "….like you were already a part of them and you just wanted to be _that _close to them... or something..."

"Wow….." swallowed Olivia, always having known her Eve was fiercely smart and profoundly loving but not ever knowing her capable of such grown up depth of emotion, "… baby is that how you feel about Jason?"

"No, no I don't think I was ever in love with Jason." Said Eve flatly, almost wishing she felt more sadness in the wake of their breakup because it would lessen her guilt. "I broke up wiht him today and it sucks because he's my best friend and I don't think he believed me; but I want what you and Dad have."

"Oh Evie I'm not sure that…."

"Sometimes when Dad looks at you or you look at him it feels like the room is gonna explode. You have this smile, your 'Dad' smile and I know what it means….." now it was Olivia's turn to blush, as she realised just how closely Eve watched her every move, "… and I don't smile at Jase like that."

"I'm sorry that you two broke up….." sighed Olivia empathetically, but quick to swoop in with reassurance, "…. but you're still so young, sweetheart."

"I'm not a little girl anymore though."

"You'll always be my little girl Evie…" kissing her cheek tenderly Olivia forced herself to put aside her own fears and feelings and respect that Eve was growing up, and that doing right by her meant accepting and understanding that, "… but I know you don't feel that way anymore. Just hear me when I say that you don't have to give _that _smile to someone until you're ready okay?"

"Mom….." swallowing slowly Eve held her breath. Calvin already had her smile, and she wanted to give him the reason behind it.

"Will you make me a promise Evie Grace?"

"Are you about to ask me to join a convent and devote my life to Jesus because trust me Dad was _way _ahead of you…" flashing Olivia that bewitching little smirk Eve wiggled her eyebrows, "…and he brought reading material. There were pamphlets and an invitation to join St Mary's holy order."

"Your father seriously gave you brochures for a convent?" there was being a protective father, and there was the state that Elliot wound himself up into sometimes. "Remind me to kick his ass when he gets home?"

"So you don't want me to be a nun then?" grinned Eve, adoring how able she was to trust that Olivia was always on her side. Also adoring that she had said 'ass' and showed just a flicker of the Liv who wasn't just Mom.

"Baby I just want you to be happy and to promise me that _when_ you have sex you are absolutely sure of one thing."

"He wears a condom?"

"Make sure that you are absolutely sure of **_two _**things….." smiled Olivia with a assenting nod, "…. do it for love Evie? Do it because you love and trust him and he loves and respects you? That's all I ask."

"I love you Momma….." hugging tight at Olivia's neck Eve nodded slowly, "….and I promise."


	7. Bittersweet Sixteen

"My baby girl, what can I say?"

"Mom….." warned Eve, shifting her weight awkwardly between feet as she stood between a teary eyed Olivia and her beautifully frosted cake.

"I can honestly say Evie Grace that from the moment you came kicking and screaming into the world I knew I was in for a hell of a ride. You lit up my world that day and every day of the sixteen years since. I'm pretty sure your Dad will agree when I say that there is _never _a dull moment sweet girl, but that we wouldn't have our smart, funny, beautiful Evie any other way."

"Happy Sixteenth Birthday, Mouse…" swooping in from the side lines Elliot put his arm around Olivia and raised his beer bottle, "…. we love you."

"Happy Birthday Evie!" came the chorus from the assembled group of family and friends around them.

"Blow out your candles!" grinned Katie, whose vivacity had not been dulled by the turning of the years. "Make a wish, baby sis!"

"Someone's gotta help me there's so many….." laughed Eve, grabbing at her long hair and holding it back from her face as she inhaled deeply and leant in, "… there! Did I get them all?"

"One more!"

"Done….." she smiled, as guests began to mingle once more and Elliot wandered over and hugged her close, "….hi Daddy."

"You enjoying your party mini Mouse?" though his face had aged slightly his eyes had not. So long as that ice blue gaze was watching over her Eve felt as though nothing could ever hurt her. Elliot kept the world at bay.

"Can I try a beer?"

"No, no you cannot. There are five more of these little gatherings until that is going to happen for you."

"So when are we gonna go out for our first drive then?" knowing without hesitation that she would adore the feeling of freedom getting behind the wheel would bring Eve was anxious to start the learning process. "Tomorrow?"

"Does it ever go quiet in that buzzy little head of yours?" asked Elliot fondly, reaching out and making a claw over her head, ruffling her fresh cut bangs.

"You want some cake?"

"Can I have that big piece there with all the frosting?" of course he could, she smiled, and set about slicing.

* * *

"I come bearing cake."

"Oh sweet….." rubbing his hands in glee as he scooted across the top porch step and created space for his sister to sit down Sam grinned, "….that's a pretty generous slice Vee. What'd you do?"

"Can't I just be nice to my little brother without being guilty of something?"

"There's a first time for everything…." he teased, receiving a sharp dig in the rib from Eve in response.

"You know the first birthday party I remember?" said Eve, crossing her ankles and leaning back against braced elbows and hands. "I think I was turning like five or six or something and it was like the first time in ages we'd all gotten together. Kathy flew Eli in from Chicago and all the girls were here. You remember it?"

"I know where you're going with this so I'm gonna go with no, no I don't remember a thing."

"You and Eli stole my cake and went and hid in the garage thinking you were hilarious…."

"You're gonna put me off this cake!"

"And then Mom is making her big birthday speech and there's just this gross puking noise….." breaking into giggles Eve wrinkled her nose and covered her face, "… and there's you are behind the sofa barfing into one of my gift bags with Eli laughing his head off."

"I was led astray. He was a bad influence."

"That's pretty true actually he got you into so much trouble every time he came to stay. I remember Mom having these super awkward phone calls with Kathy like, okay, seriously you need to get your son in check. And Kathy's all like oh kids will be kids and Mom's like going _crimson _'cos just about ready to implode and go off on one of her rants."

"Man she hasn't had a really good one of those in a while. I don't even remember the last time she busted out 'I don't care what everyone else's mom lets them do' and 'You're my kids and I raised you better than that!'"

"Oh my God, when I wanted to go to that Beyonce concert with Hannah and she told me no so I went and asked Dad and he freakin' green lit me!"

"I thought she was gonna have a stroke, seriously. That's like the first rule of the good kid code Vee. Don't get a 'no' from bad cop and then go be a Daddy's girl and wrap good cop round your little finger."

"When the hell did Elliot Stabler become good cop? Is that not the craziest thing you ever heard when you've actually, you know, like met our Dad?"

"Olivia Stabler…" tossing his paper plate down and speaking through a mouthful of cake Sam flashed jazz hands, "….awesome but deadly!"

"But when we were little it was _totally_ the other way around. Mom was all like snuggles and stories and booboo kisses and Dad was all like it's bedtime and don't go further than the yard and if a stranger looks twice at you they're probably a paedophile so I'm gonna beat the crap out of them."

"Dad's pretty cool with me now though. Like he trusts me to walk home from Mark's even in the dark and stay home alone sometimes and stuff."

"Yeah because you're a boy!" cried Eve, infuriated at the way Elliot displayed clear double standards at times. "He goes into spasm every time I do _anything _lately. If Mom wasn't here I'd probably be in a straightjacket right about now. She has to fight my corner all the time."

"Because you're like his little girl or whatever. It's a Dad and daughter thing."

"I guess."

"Vee can I ask you something?" ventured Sam, who had grown into his face in the last year. His jaw was strong, like Elliot's, but he had Olivia's warmth and gentle eyes. Even Eve had to admit that he wasn't unfortunate looking.

"Sure!" she chirruped, still riding her birthday high.

"Who is he?"

"Who's who?" reaching down and fishing a piece of icing from his jeans she brushed them clean with a loving, sisterly affection that always outweighed any of their bickering.

"Floppy hair, looks like Thor and like it's been a while since he showered."

"I don't know what you're…" lowering her eyes and knowing better than to even attempt to lie to her brother Eve swallowed, "… he's just a guy."

"Look I don't wanna be a douche and call you out here, but I'd know you were lying even if I hadn't seen you making out with him in his truck."

"When did you….."

"So that's why you broke up with Jase, huh?"

"I talked to Jason again like you said. I think he's doing better with it now."

"Jase is a friend and its sucks you guys are through but he's not really who I'm worried about….." behind his football and boyish bantering Sam Stabler was surprisingly sensitive, and fiercely protective of his sister, "… that guy is built like a freakin' freight truck. How old is he?"

"He's a really great guy Sam, he is. I know it probably doesn't seem like….." suddenly realising she hadn't said that which she ought to have lead with Evie rushed, "…. oh but you can't say anything Sammy? Promise me! You can't tell Mom and Dad you saw me with him."

"You really like him….." it almost made Sam more nervous that he could tell this wasn't just one of Eve's crazy schemes or dramatic escapades, "….. who is he anyway?"

"Sam do you **swear** you won't tell?"

"You know I won't." He replied without hesitation. He might not have been completely comfortable with the idea of covering for her but there wasn't a chance he'd break her confidence. His earliest memories were of following Eve around like a little shadow, falling asleep snuggled in close to her and never being without a playmate and confidant. They had been raised almost as twins and the bond between them was unbreakable.

"Okay, okay then…" taking a deep breath Eve felt immense relief at finally being able to offload, "…. so it all started one day when I was waiting for Mom to get off work….."

* * *

"I wish you would let me tell her the truth."

"What _are_ these little things?" asked Fin, sinking his teeth into another delicious chocolate marshmallow treat. "They're like crack."

"I know you think you're being noble but there's a fine line between that and martyrdom."

"Seriously you gotta try one….." because she knew he wouldn't listen to her properly until she did Melinda took one of the party treats from the bowl and chewed one slowly, "…. right? Tiny crack balls or what?"

"I'm sure if you ask Liv can hook you up with her dealer."

"They don't need to know Mel."

"I don't know why I ever let you do what you did. I really don't. Georgia thought the world of you, she still does, but I can't stand that she believes you would cheat. I can't stand that Rachel does. That isn't the man they knew and you don't deserve their judgement…." lowering her eyes with palpable shame Melinda murmured, "…. I do."

"Stop it."

"Doesn't it kill you? Doesn't it eat you up inside that everyone thinks _you're _ the cheater in our relationship?"

"So we still have one….." he noted, tilting his head with cynical but enduring hope, "… a relationship?"

"I like certainties and we are _never _certain Fin. We're always too close, too far, just out of reach. How many times have we tried to make this happen and something or someone has gotten in the way? I'm not proud of what I did and I will regret it always but that isn't to say I don't understand it."

"I've been certain I love you for over a decade Melinda."

"I…."

"But you're right. We're always too much too soon or too little too late."

"I understand that it's taken you a long time to feel like you can trust me again after….."

"We've both had a hard time trusting each another."

"I hardly think one drunken moment in a bar with Tyra Radisson can even begin to compare to my three month affair with Rachel's father."

"It's not an affair if it's with your ex-husband."

"It's an affair if it's not with you….." she swallowed, her deep brown eyes meeting his and reopening old wounds, "… and I wish you would stop making this easier for me."

"Life is too goddamn short to hug onto the hurt Mel. I was angry, I was pissed as hell at you but then I got over it. I know you're no more in love with him now than I ever was with Peach."

"I know you think you're protecting Rachel but she's a grown woman with a marriage of her own and she will understand…."

"You don't believe that. It doesn't work that way. If it was anyone else it might but you're her mother. All bets are off. Normal person rules don't apply."

"How do you….."

"Because what kid doesn't want their divorced parents to get back together? One minute she's a rational, married, thirty something year old woman and next she's a heartbroken kid wanting to recreate the freakin' Parent Trap."

"But she _isn't _a kid. She has to try and understand what I've come to accept, and that's that no matter how badly I might have wanted to cling onto the past because it was safe and sensible and easy it isn't right. I'm not in love with her father anymore and I would _never _have been happy if we'd gotten back together."

"You're really hell bent on doing this? On telling them that Tyra wasn't the reason we imploded?" asked Fin, never having known anyone bar Olivia prepared to make that kind of commitment or sacrifice for him. "You're prepared to tell Rachel that I didn't cheat, you did?"

"You and me? We're something. We've been something for longer than I care to remember now but if we're going to get this thing off the ground, and I mean _really _get this thing off the ground this time: we're going to have to lose some weight. Get rid of some baggage."

"You're really serious about this aren't you? Why now? What changed?"

"My daughter is married to a bumbling fool. My fierce, strong, independent daughter is in a loveless marriage because she is too afraid to admit to herself let alone anyone else that she's in love with Georgia Taylor."

"Mel that ain't our business to….."

"I'm afraid that I'm where she gets it from Fin."

"No…."

"Overly cautious, averse to risk, always playing for the stable, the certain, the safest road. I don't want to be a hypocrite. We're scientists yes, but we're humans not machines or formulae. Our lives aren't controlled experiments. We're more than our DNA makeup.. I want to be able to look her in the eye and tell her that sometimes you just have to stop thinking, stop waiting, stop doubting and _finally_ just….." leaning over and kissing him softly Melinda smiled, "….roll the dice."

* * *

"Wow."

"Yuh."

"I don't think I've been this tired since those two were knee high."

"Mouse had a great day though, huh?" smiled Elliot, slipping on an old navy t-shirt and sliding into bed beside his wife. "We did good."

"We did, we did do good. You know I was actually saying to Alex how I don't remember the last time we were all together like that. We should do it more often."

"Yeah but at someone else's place….." said Elliot quickly, having spent the past three hours clearing the debris left by Eve's party, "….so we can leave them with all the crap."

"I wish Evie hadn't arranged to go to Jen's place tonight."

"Sam walked her to Jackie's car by the way. He said she got off okay and promised she'd call us to check in tomorrow."

"Oh she text me earlier did I not say?" leaning over and grabbing her cell phone from the nightstand Olivia squinted against the backlight and read, _"Had the best day and an awesome party thanks Momma I love you!"_

"No love for Dad?" frowned Elliot, joking but genuinely a little hurt.

"Where's your cell?" knowing him so well it was almost painful at time Olivia turned her head, gave him a look, and drew her lips to an amused smile. "You want me to call it?"

"I remember having it when we were cutting the cake because I took pictures….." getting back out of bed Elliot padded barefoot from the room, and after a collection of shuffling and clunking noises returned a while later successful.

"Well?"

"I need my glasses….." he confessed grudgingly, having resisted the need for optical assistance as long as humanly possible, "…. okay, here we go, Mouse cell."

"I didn't doubt her…" laughed Olivia warmly, curling into his chest and tucking the sheets around them as Elliot examined his phone with narrowed eyes, "…. she loves her Daddy."

_"Got my new watch on and feel like Kendall! See you tomorrow, your Mouse xoxo."_

"She signed it Mouse?" she asked, the answer in his beaming grin. "She must _really_ love that watch you got her."

"I'm glad…" he had spent several hours, and multiple visits to the jewellers picking out the perfect gift for her sweet sixteenth and it had been worth every agonizing conversation with the overly perky sales associate, "… I'm glad."

"You really didn't have any help on that one? Lizzie? Katie?"

"You wanna sound a little less condescending there babe?" he snickered with a wry smile. "You're kinda killing my cool Dad buzz."

"Feet."

"I can't get them warm."

"I sympathise….." she muttered, just resting her eyes and finding she started to doze, "…..my calves are not the answer to that struggle."

"Hey Liv?"

"Yes babe….." she asked, his repetitive stroking at her hair making her ever drowsier.

"Who's Kendall?"

"Jenner."

"Is she in Mouse's class?"

* * *

"You cold?"

"No."

"You sure?"

"Yeah."

"You okay?"

"Yeah."

"You sure?"

"Yeah, yeah I'm sure…" dragging the heavy picnic blanket tighter around her naked shoulders Eve rolled onto her stomach, lying on Cal's chest and swallowing with a drowsy love drunk gaze, "….you know I didn't really get the big deal about sex or sixteen before but now I….."

"What?" he asked, his head snapping up from the bed of the truck and fixing her with wide green eyes, "What did you just say?"

"It's the beer talking….." she swallowed quickly, but suddenly feeling painfully sober, "…. I meant eighteen."

"You said sixteen."

"I know."

"So which is it?"

"I..."

"Bambi….." wriggling out of their embrace Cal reached for his jeans, dragging them on and sitting upright with his hair in his hands, "…. tell me this isn't happening."

"It's fine! I swear I checked!"

"I'm gonna go to hell….." murmured Calvin, staring at her dumbfounded and then reigning in his panic ever so slightly, "…. I'm gonna go to jail."

"No, no you're not I swear. My parents are cops and it's totally legal now I'm sixteen so…."

"Wait what? You're parents are fucking cops?" clambering to his feet Cal braced his hands against his forehead, holding his elbows to the gentle early summer wind and shaking his head desperately. "This isn't happening. This isn't happening. I'm being fucking Punk'd or something right now."

"Cal I was going to tell you I just…."

"Lied?" he offered, recognising this particular scenario all too well. He had stood in this spot his whole life. "You told me you were almost eighteen. You told me your Mom worked reception. You _told_ me a pack of fucking lies!"

"No!" she protested, before reluctantly conceding, "Well yeah, yeah I bent the truth a little but you can't be mad at me because I was only…."

"Mad at you? Jesus you really _are_ sixteen."

"Don't you dare treat me like a kid Cal you know me better than that!"

"You _are _a kid Bambi! You're sixteen years old and right now it feels like..." lowering his eyes and cursing himself for allowing someone in. For letting someone get close again after so many painful separations, "Right now it feels like I don't even know you at all."

"Because I added a couple of years to my age and lied about what my Mom does for a living?" she smarted, more than able to own her mistake. "That isn't who I am."

"I trusted you….."

"You still _can _trust me! I swear it."

"Where do these cop parents of yours think you are right now?" as she hesitated, clearly caught in another lie, Calvin shook his head and exhaled heavily. "You just can't help it can you? The lies just come so easily to you. Your secret little life. Has anything you've told me been true Evie? Or has every word out of your mouth since we met been a fucking lie?"

"Don't yell at me."

"I thought you were different, I thought you were…" rolling his eyes and jumping down from the truck he hit the earth with a thud and sighed, "… but you're just like the rest of them."


	8. Hearts In Our Hands Like Loaded Guns

"Cal please, say something?"

On tailgate of a an old truck parked in a deserted parking lot somewhere just outside the city, four bare feet dangled in the cooling early summer air and two young lovers sat in silence. Never dreaming of leaving her alone for a minute Calvin had taken himself, and his anger, to a nearby tree stump and sat there for what felt like the longest fifteen minutes of Eve Stabler's life. Watching her, hawk eyed, lest anyone dare approach the truck he had attempted to reconcile himself to her untruths. When his initial fury had burned to brooding embers he had padded barefoot back across the asphalt and clambered up to sit beside her on the tailgate. They were still there a half hour later.

"I know you're mad and you have every right. I lied to you, I did, and it was wrong. Only you have to know that I only did it because I….." the words were running away with her and so Evie took a breath, dragging the heavy blanket up over her bare shoulders and sighing, "…. we both know you wouldn't have given me the time of day if you'd known I was fifteen."

"You think!" he growled, shaking the hair in front of his face as he leant forward, head in hands, elbows braced against his thighs.

"I'm sorry okay! I don't know how to make you believe I only lied because I wanted you to take me seriously!"

"Don't whine Bambi….." he muttered, turning his head and throwing her a quick smile, "…I'm not _that_ mad at you."

"You're not?" she asked hopefully, clutching her heart in trembling hands.

"I am nineteen years old Evie. That makes what we're doing here an even worse idea than it was before, you do realise that?" hearing it out loud made him wince slightly, and because he was all too aware of what the insides of a correctional facility looked like the fear of winding up in one was palpable. "Are you _sure_ I can't get jail time for this?"

"I'm sure."

"They can't put me on some kind of register?"

"No, no it's fine…." and then not knowing whether it made the situation better or worse she added quietly, "…. I checked."

"With your cop parents?"

"With Google." She gulped, never more adorably vulnerable to him than in that moonlight moment. Her long hair falling tousled by his own hands around her achingly pretty face, her blue eyes brimming with trite apology.

"You're sixteen and your parents are cops….." he nodded slowly, swinging his feet in the breeze and catching her eyes on his, "…. anything else you wanna tell me?"

"No I swear that's it. I'm a junior and a cheerleader. I really do what to go to Brown and be a public defender. I have one brother, two half-brothers, and three half-sisters. My parents are cops and I'm sixteen today."

"You a baby junior?"

"I skipped a grade."

"Because you're a dork."

"No….." fixing him with piercing blue eyes Eve spoke sharply, "….because I'm smart."

"I trusted you Bambi. I know you think it's no big deal it's just…."

"What?" she coaxed gently, reaching down and sliding her hand into his broad palm. Lacing her fingers in his she squeezed his warm, rough skin.

"It's not your fault. I mean you're a little shit for lying but why I got so mad doesn't make sense unless you know….."

"I _want _to know….." she whispered, leaning in and pressing a tender kiss against his bare shoulder, "….tell me?"

"People just talk a lot of crap, that's all. They say things they don't mean, promise things they have no right to. It's how it's always been."

"You mean like your cousin?" she swallowed, not understanding the full extent of his broken relationship with his cousin but certain it was the cause of at least some of this darkness he carried.

"Just be straight with me okay?" he shrugged, ignoring her question and snapping the clam shell shut. "That's all I ask."

"Sure, sure okay…" she nodded quickly, feeling her skin turn to gooseflesh as she added breath baited, "…..hey, so, was I like….. bad at it?"

"What?"

"Like I mean was I okay….." so painfully raw in her tender emotions it were as if she were wearing her skin inside out as she looked up at him and swallowed, "…did I do it right?"

"Shit….." he breathed, closing his eyes and tipping his head back as the ground shook beneath his feet once more, "….you have got to be _kidding _me Bambi."

"What?" she asked with a quiet swallow, her eyes wide and unsure.

"Tell me that wasn't your first rodeo?" opening his eyes he looked to her, her fearful expression giving him his answer.

"I was bad, wasn't I?" she trembled, her eyes filling with tears at the thought he might not feel the same way she did.

"Bambi you're not bad at sex….." he groaned, running a hand through his hair and turning away.

"So why are you acting like you regret doing it with me!" she protested, not caring for a moment if she sounded petulant or childish so important was it to her.

"Because I just took accidentally took a sixteen year old kid's virginity that's fucking why!" he yelled gruffly, shaking his head with an edgy laugh.

"Screw you!" she choked, hot tears of hurt and indignation filling her eyes and then spilling down her cheeks before she could stop them.

"No, no don't cry I'm sorry….." dragging her into his arms and cuddling her close, he stroked the back of her head and kissed at her cheek, "… don't cry, baby, I didn't mean it like that."

"I didn't mean to lie to you and I am _sorry,_ I just didn't think it would be that big of a deal how old I was ….." she hiccoughed, burying her tears in his shoulder, "… and I've never been bad at anything in my life but there aren't any rules, you can't learn how to make it good or…."

"Look at me? Hey, hey Evie look at me….." easing his tight grip on her just enough for her to lift her head and waiting for her eyes he spoke sincerely, "…. you are _not _bad at sex."

"No?" twisting her mouth to a testing smile she rushed with relief as he shook his head and grinned at her.

"You're incredible, you're gorgeous, it was….." breaking into a laugh that caught in his throat Cal found himself being unusually candid, "… awesome."

"Yeah?"

"I just wish I'd known. I wish you hadn't lost it in the back of a truck. I wish there'd been candles and silk sheets and rose petals and a fucking harp playing or something."

"I might be new at this but who wants to do it with a harp playing?" pulling a face as they both laughed and he shrugged awkwardly she wiped away the black teary smears from around her eyes.

"You should've saved it for someone who deserved it is all."

"**You** deserved it….." it took his breath how certain she was, how deep her ocean eyes were as he fell into them, "…. and I will _never_ regret tonight Cal."

"No?" he pushed, as she kicked her bare legs over his lap and leant in to kiss him.

"I'd heard a million stories. I've seen all the movies. My Dad pretty much told me I'd burst into flames afterwards but he was wrong. They all were."

"Oh my God your parents are cops and I just deflowered their sixteen year old daughter….." closing his eyes and grimacing in all seriousness Cal quipped darkly, "….I gotta start carrying."

"Did you just say you _deflowered _me?" smacking him hard on the upper arm her tiny hand did little against his heavy bicep but it made her feel better all the same. She was Olivia Benson's daughter and held her mother's heart and convictions as her sword and shield, "You didn't take a thing from me Cal. I **gave** it to you. There's a difference."

"You're different Bambi….." he murmured, winded by her fire, "….than anyone I have ever known."

"This wouldn't have happened tonight if I didn't want it ….." smiling softly she noted, "…. and I did want it. I want you."

"I'm real sorry I yelled Bambi….." he swallowed remorsefully, twisting his mouth with regret, "… I didn't ruin it for you did I? Your first time?"

"No, no you didn't ruin it….." she mouthed, her hand wandering his muscled torso and remembering all the rushing desire of their earlier love making, "….we're pretty good together huh?"

"You're a little firework…." he smiled adoringly, kissing her until she melted and her head leant back with the power of his tongue.

"I can see why humans haven't died out."

"You're okay?" he asked, suddenly feeling dramatically and terrifyingly more responsible for her. "Like, really, you're okay? I mean it's a big deal, for girls and I didn't…. know…. so if I was…. you know….too…. or…..."

"I'm okay, I'm good….." she nodded, kissing him again and then murmuring, "… hey Cal?"

"Yeah?"

"I… I made this promise….. to my Mom…. it sounds stupid maybe but….. well, that I wouldn't do it unless….." biting on her bottom lip she turned to him, the blanket slipping from her shoulders slightly and leaving her breathtakingly beautiful and exposed as she stared into his eyes and added, "…. unless I was in love with the guy."

"Did you… ….." clearing his throat softly Cal brushed back the hair from her face and held her gaze unflinchingly, "….did you break a promise tonight?"

"No….." she replied without hesitation, without pausing for breath, her eyes lost in his, "… no I didn't."

"Huh….." he mumbled, pushing his bottom lip out and nodding slowly, "….. well, that's good."

With a little sigh she flashed a smile, hiding her disappointment well as he reached behind her and rearranged the old fishing blankets and cushions. Laying his hands at his side he propelled himself backward, lying down and patting the space on the plaid beside him. Wiggling in her blanket, protecting her modesty, Eve wormed her way up the truck bed and lay down on his chest. Pinning her against him with a strong arm Calvin gently peeled the blanket from around her and dragged it around them both.

"Hey Bambi?" he murmured, kissing at her forehead as she wrapped her arms around his waist and her body moulded into his side.

"Yeah?" came the quiet whisper in reply, as she pressed her face against the warm skin of his neck.

"I love you too."

* * *

"I'm kinda between places right now."

"So…" ventured Alex Cabot, whose chic white blonde bob helped her transition flawlessly into a new era of her life. Still the sharpest, quickest tongued ADA the city had ever seen she had moved her way up the ranks until deciding to return to her roots. Doing tireless battle with her oldest, dearest, and most esteemed contemporary Captain Stabler.

"I'm weighing up my options….." his delivery was deadpan, noncommittal, detached and defensive, "…. figuring out my next move."

"Calvin you can be honest with Alex….." reassured Olivia, who sat beside him while Alex took notes, "… she's on our side."

"You're not the one in trouble here, darling….." though not the most immediately effusively warm character, the way Olivia was, there was something deeply caring about this lawyer lady thought Calvin, "…. your cousin is."

"I live in my truck."

"Okay….." nodded Alex, setting down her pen and paper in an attempt to set the obvious distrusting boy at ease, "… that's a great start. Now how about you tell me what kind of relationship you have with Johnny?"

"He's my cousin."

"Sweetheart she means do the two of you get along? She needs to be clear that you have no reason to want any kind of revenge on Johnny, that you have no reason to suddenly be unwilling to provide him with an alibi. What you're saying he told you is crucial to this case and Alex just needs to establish you as a credible witness."

"We get along fine."

"Are you close?" asked Alex, crossing her legs at the knee and resting her hands lightly in her lap. "How long have you lived with him?"

"Since my grandparents kicked me out."

"Calvin what _happened _there? When I last saw you things seemed fine and you never mentioned things being rough at home…."

"You didn't ask."

"I…." conscious that Alex was sat with them Olivia caved quickly and conceded it was the truth. Her one reunion with Calvin had been fleeting at best. She had allowed herself to take his situation at face value and asked no questions. All had seemed well and so she had let sleeping dogs lie to ease her conscience. She had abandoned their planned day to work a case.

"So you were how old at this point Calvin?"

"Ten maybe, or eleven, I dunno."

"And Johnny took you in and let you live at his place?"

"I rented a room."

"You were ten years old how did you make rent?" snapped Olivia, increasingly horrified as she filled in the blanks of Calvin's life since their last meeting.

"I don't know that I should be…."

"You're not the one on trial here Calvin….." promised Alex softly, looking to Olivia and nodding, "… and Olivia is here as your friend not as a detective, isn't that right?"

"Absolutely….." but the truth was she hadn't been his friend, she had gone from a few weeks as his guardian to just another in a long line of people who had walked away.

"I was his runner."

"Drugs?" swallowed Olivia grimly.

"Prescription mostly, X and Roofies for parties and smack for a while before he got clean…."

"Johnny dealt Rohypnol?" asked Alex with a shrewd nod: that was relevant, more than that it cemented the profile she was building of the accused. "So he's got a history of forcing himself on women?"

"I didn't say he _used_ them. I got no idea whether he did or not. I just hid them in my pencil case."

"You had drugs on you in school?"

"I wasn't in school so much."

"Where did you make the drops?"

"The park."

"Wasn't Johnny afraid to leave you so vulnerable like that?" asked Alex, wandering from her original line of questioning but caught up in the picture of Calvin's childhood being painted.

"No one's gonna hurt a kid. That's the whole point. Then when I was older….." shrugging as though being an armed teenager was nothing at all, because to him it hadn't been, Calvin added, "…. I carried a little insurance."

"Oh my God….." rising from her chair Olivia moved to the window, squeezing her eyes closed and holding her hands braced against her hips, "… how did we get here?"

"Did you ever witness Johnny doing anything in appropriate with a girl?"

"Like threesomes? Getting rough?" said Calvin, as Olivia turned her head in horror. "Sure, sure our front door was revolving and they were all skanks."

"It doesn't matter what they were, if they said no, if they made it clear they didn't want to have sex then…."

"I'm not a moron I know what rape is. And I never saw Johnny do it if that's what you wanna hear. He never bragged about it either till the night he came home from that frat party."

"Okay so let's talk about that night again. I want you to tell me everything that happened, everything you know, everything that he said right from the start….."

"I did already."

"Calvin I know this is rough but we have to get this pitch perfect before trial. Your story needs to be cast iron and water tight. So please, if you can, start from when Johnny called you from the party…."

* * *

"You're still a ketchup monster, huh?"

"I guess…." mumbled Calvin, devouring his first hot meal that week as Olivia watched on and pushed her fries around her plate. After some persuasion he had agreed to let her buy him dinner following their meeting with Alex, and they now sat opposite one another in a diner booth.

"I don't remember there being a single food you _didn't _want red sauce on."

"Olivia you don't have to do this."

"I know you don't want to talk and I get it, I do, but I think that we need to. I think that we need to talk about what happened all those years ago and not pretend like it was nothing. Like it doesn't still affect both of us, because I know it does. I never stopped thinking about you. Where you were, what you were doing, if you would remember me."

"You thought about me?" was the sentiment Calvin retained, wiping his mouth on a napkin and meeting her eyes.

"You were _never _mine to keep Calvin…" she choked, her eyes burning with over a decade of regret, "…. but that didn't mean I didn't want to. I did, so badly. If it had been up to me I…."

"My mom she….." chewing on his cheek Cal shook his head and let his eyes drift among the condiment rack, "… she isn't strong like you."

"I think that maybe I didn't understand Vivian until it was too late to help her. I was so angry at her and I couldn't comprehend how a mother could give up her child. Only later I came to realise that sometimes the best way you can love someone….." wrinkling her nose and nodding sadly Olivia croaked, "….is to let them go."

"That what you thought you were doing?"

"It broke my heart losing you. When they dragged you out of my arms that day my heart _broke _Calvin. But you have to believe that I thought not fighting was the right thing. That you were in the right place with your grandparents, with your family."

"You were my family."

"If I'd known how things would go? If I could've protected you from everything that happened next I swear to God I….."

"Hey don't cry….." he couldn't stand to see any woman cry, let alone her.

"I'm not! I'm fine! I'm an idiot!" she gushed, covering her face with her hand and looking to the wall. "Please just ignore me I….."

"You couldn't have known….." said Calvin with a gruff rawness to his deep voice as he reached for a napkin and pushed it across the table for her, "….no one could."

"Will you let me give you money for someplace to stay?"

"Nope….." smiled Calvin, knowing she had expected no different from him.

"Will you at least let me buy you dinner again tomorrow night? Anywhere you want."

"I hear the raw fish at Masa is pretty fucking…."

"You're funny."

"You're not $300 a head sorry then, huh?" he quipped, that devilish smile leaving her powerless but to laugh. Despite his darkness Calvin Arliss was a rough diamond and against mounted odds he was learning how to shine.

"I'm sorrier than you'll ever know….." and as he nodded with slow burning forgiveness her heart ached with relief. They were a long way from reconciled, but she had gained his willingness to try.

"Well I guess I gotta eat."

"Elliot is home with the kids so….."

"I still can't believe you married him."

"Calvin…." she warned, shaking her head with a level, weighted gaze.

"You're just ten times the person he is….." not even the slightest bit sorry Calvin realised that for all the time that had passed she had been the source of the only unconditional love he had ever known until Evie, and his profound respect and affection for her was enduring, "…. that's all."


	9. I Think I Love You Like A Car Crash

"I look like a car salesman."

"You look good."

"Can I interest you in a very average Honda, m'am?"

"Shut up!"

"It's great for the school run….." unbuttoning the stiff collar of the shirt she'd made him try Calvin grabbed Eve's arm and dragged her into the dressing room, pinning her against the mirror and grinning, "….and has a very spacious backseat."

"I don't think we're supposed to be doing this in here….." gasped Eve between kisses, her eyes darting around to check that there were no sales associates nearby.

"I'm sure we're not….." he laughed, adoring her nervousness and unfailing determination to obey the rules, "… that's what makes it fun."

"Are you gonna let me buy you the shirt?"

"Nope."

"Because you won't let me pay for anything?" she asked, beyond frustrated at his insistence that he pick up every check despite not having the money to do so.

"No….." reaching down and wrapping his palms around her bent elbows he hoisted her effortlessly into the air until her feet were raised from the ground and she was at kissing level, "… because it's a fucking ugly shirt."

"Put me down….." she murmured with a smile, wrapping appreciative fingers around his tensed biceps.

"This is a waste of time Bambi. Me dressing up like a penguin doesn't make me any less of a loser or any more employable."

"You're not a loser Cal don't say that."

"I actually might need to get it though…" he sighed, setting her back down gently and inspecting his reflection in the mirror, "…. people wear stuff like this for court right?"

"Yeah, yeah I think they do….." she nodded slowly, sliding her hand into the back pocket of his jeans as she stood beside him and watched them both in the mirror, "….you nervous?"

"I know what I gotta say."

"Have you spoken to him? To Johnny?" she asked, lolling against the fitting room wall as he unbuttoned the shirt and shook his head slowly.

"Nope."

"Was it so bad? What he did…" she asked innocently, "… there's no hope for the two of you?"

"Do I need to like, you know, wear a tie with it or whatever?" he asked, throwing on his old black t-shirt and scrunching the collared shirt in a fist.

"Not if you don't want to."

"Then let's pay for this thing and go eat someplace?" he smiled, grabbing her hand and heading back into the menswear department.

"Hey so I was thinking what if I skip school tomorrow afternoon and you come over?"

"You're not skipping school."

"It's fine it's only gym class and they won't notice I'm not there…" lifting a suggestive brow she smiled, "….and I can think of better ways to work out."

"No, nah-ah, not gonna happen Bambi. It starts with gym and then it's Spanish and then math and next thing you know you can't make up your grades and you're flunking out of school….." fixing her with an intent look Cal finished, "….and sleeping in your truck."

"But I don't wanna go to gym class….." she protested, with a pout that was only part playful, "…. I just wanna hang out with you."

"You're not skipping school. This isn't even a conversation."

"Just one afternoon, just one class….." she bargained, playing a card that inadvertently won her the upper hand and struck his Achilles heel, "… my brother will be home. He was supposed to be playing football but it got cancelled."

"You want me to meet your brother?" asked Calvin, hiding well how much it meant to him. Knowing how much her brother meant to Eve.

"He's a pain in the butt sometimes but he's mostly pretty cool. He won't rat on us and I've told him all about you….." with a furrowed brow smile Cal couldn't believe what he was hearing, "…. he wants to meet my mysterious boyfriend."

"Is that what I am?" he asked, realising they had never set a label before. "Your boyfriend?"

"I kind of thought so….." he was damn right he was her boyfriend, she thought, he committed to that in the bed of his truck, "…. is that weird?"

"You really want that? With me?" with that face and those legs she could've had any boy in school, any guy she wanted. A guy with prospects, a guy with a future, a guy with a fixed address. "Like the whole boyfriend, girlfriend thing?"

"You're not…" a sudden terror gripped her from the tips of her fingers to the hairs at the nape of her neck, "… you know…. with other girls are you?"

"No."

"Good."

"And it's just me…" twitching awkwardly between the cashmere sweaters Cal shrugged, "… for you, right?"

"Yeah, yeah it's just you for me."

"Okay then…" she nodded with satisfaction, as exciting as it all was still appreciating a little security, a little reassurance that their relationship was binding, "… then that's settled."

"You're still not skipping."

"I…."

"You told me you're going on a college tour with your Mom soon right?" he challenged, fishing into his back pocket and retrieving a crumpled bill to hand to the cashier. His last bill, he thought, realising he would either have to distract her from eating or let her pay.

"Yeah but…."

"And the kind of schools you're looking at kinda frown on little punks who don't show up to class. So don't be an idiot. You got a good thing going Bambi, don't throw it away….." draping his arm around her shoulders they wandered meanderingly through the store and he planted an affirming kiss against her hair, "…. stay in school."

* * *

"Mom?"

"Oh hey baby girl, what's up?" looking up from her paperwork Olivia removed the tortoiseshell framed glasses she had come to need for reading.

"Can I talk to you?"

"Always….." flashing Eve a warm smile she beckoned her across the living room and, getting up from her place hunched over the coffee table, took a seat on the sofa, "… come, sit."

"Okay."

"What's going on Evie G?" brushing a sweep of coffee waves behind Eve's ear she murmured softly, "You look like you've got something on your mind."

"Mom I love you and we had a pact and this is a little late and it isn't the easiest….." chewing on her lip Eve cracked her fingers, dancing her eyes back and forth between the television and the patio, "… we need to have a conversation."

"Sweet girl what conversation…." soft voice and touch Olivia turned her body to Eve, folding her legs up on the sofa and staring at her daughter's frowning portrait.

"I…. ermm…. _that _conversation….." feeling like the words were too big for her mouth and they were choking her to say Eve turned to Olivia with eyes wide as saucers, "…. Momma I did it."

"Oh wow….." murmured Olivia, understanding perfectly. This was it. This was where it started. The letting go.

"Are you mad?"

"I don't know baby girl…" closing her eyes and taking short, shallow breaths Olivia fought rising nausea and bravely managed to keep her face free of the crippling disappointment in her gut, "…. _should_ I be mad at you?"

"I don't think so….." said Eve cautiously, with heartfelt conviction and careful consideration. "We were safe. I remembered everything you ever told me and I did _everything_ you asked."

"How safe?"

"Condom."

"Evie I asked you whether you were thinking about this and you told me no. Where was my heads up, baby?"

"I love him Mom."

"You just broke up with him! When did you and Jason get back together? How did we go from breakup to…" her brow deeply furrowed Olivia pinched at the bridge of her nose and grabbed tightly at the reigns of the maternal black hole she felt to be descending into, "….you're gonna need to put me in your head Evie because I'm just feeling a little blindsided by this and….."

"I'm sorry."

"Are you okay?" felt like the most important question, once Olivia had managed to momentarily park her own emotional meltdown. "Upstairs, downstairs, inside, outside? You're good?"

"I don't regret it. I wanted it. It was _my _idea and I had full control."

"Well that's something."

"I know I should have come to you sooner but I did everything right I promise. I was **sure** and we were safe and…" oh that precious smile thought Olivia, that sparkling smile and those exquisite blue eyes so full of first love and teenage spirit, "… and I was ready."

"I wish that you had waited Evie. I wish that you had been older and stronger and just…."

"Mom don't cry! I _am_ strong….." reaching to Olivia's face and tracing a tear from her cheekbone Eve added emphatically, "… you made me that way."

"You're not nearly as strong as you think you are baby girl. Not in this brave new world you just jumped into. Sex changes everything, it changes you…" realising that this was the moment when the painful severing of their iron clad bonds began Olivia shook her head sadly, "….you're not a little girl anymore Evie Grace."

"Thank you for not treating me like one."

"Thank you for being honest with me. Thank you for trusting me….." nodded Olivia steadily, holding Eve's face in her warm hands, "… I'm proud of what we have Evie."

"Mom it's not….." having felt that the hardest part was over, Eve suddenly realised it was only just beginning, "… it's not Jason."

"What…." narrowing her eyes, and her mouth lightly falling open, Olivia mouthed, "…. then who…."

"He's a good guy."

"Evie….."

"His name is Calvin and I am _completely _in love with him."

* * *

"Evie I…."

"Please Mom, please don't freak out, please just let me talk first?"

"Okay….." nodded Olivia slowly, physically folding her arms around herself and hugging tight, "… okay talk."

"I met him outside your work when I was waiting for you to get off. He was waiting for his cousin and we just started talking, just talking and joking and he makes me laugh. He teases me and says stupid stuff, but like, it's clever too you know? He's smart. He wasn't exactly great in school but he could've been. He just never had the chance."

"Baby…."

"He doesn't look it but he's gentle. He's so tall and strong and I know he could probably do some serious….." catching herself just in time, hearing what she was about to say Eve flushed, "… but my point is that he's not like that with me."

"I'm sure you think..."

"He's a _gentleman_ Mom. He's got no money at all but he won't ever let me pay for a thing. We go for ice cream and burgers and to the movies and every single thing we ever did, you know….. like that…." gulping awkwardly she rushed, "… it was **always** my idea."

"I need a moment….." unable to take it all in, unable to process, needing to remove herself from the situation Olivia rose from the sofa and moved quickly into the kitchen, "…. don't you go anywhere."

"Mom I understand that….."

"No, no, no sweet girl….. " gasped Olivia, closing her eyes and then crying hot, breathy, unwelcome tears she whispered hoarsely, "… no you **do not** understand."

"I…."

"Are you going to tell Dad?"

"Your father and I don't keep secrets."

"He'll kill me."

"No, no he won't….." came the desperate, gasping laugh from Olivia as she shook her head back and forth and ran a hand through her shoulder length hair, "…. no Evie he'll kill _him_."

"Not if I explain that…."

"Oh _Evie _don't be such a child!"

"Don't yell at me!"

"Do you have _any idea _what you've….." and then suddenly, as if somewhere inside her clouded mind a switch flipped Olivia asked, "… did he know?"

"Did who know? What?" asked Eve innocently.

"Did Calvin Arliss know you were my sixteen year old daughter when he slept with you?"

"Wait….." her pretty little face crumpling into deep frown lines Eve asked gobsmacked, "….how do you know that's his name?"

"Because I know _him_ Evie! I know all about your gentle giant. I know all about his wasted potential and how he's nineteen years of disappointment and he lives in his damn truck!" sighing wretchedly Olivia shook her head, slowly back and forth with her gaze pouring over her little girl lost, "Baby girl I fell for that boy before you were even a bean on a sonogram!"

"I don't understand!" bursting into tears and shaking her head desperately Eve couldn't wrap her head around the situation. She couldn't bear to see her mother cry.

"Okay, okay let's just take a breath…" forcing herself to take her own advice Olivia returned to the sofa, grabbing both of Eve's hands and holding them fast along with her eyes, "….let's just breathe for a minute?"

"Mom I'm so confused….." hiccoughed Eve, the words shaking their way from her pink trembling lips, "…. how do you know Calvin?"

* * *

"She's my baby Calvin."

"I didn't know."

"I know you didn't sweetheart and I'm not…" her face creasing Olivia spoke softly, "…. I'm not angry or at least not….."

"She told me she was seventeen."

"I can believe that….." laughed Olivia with a knowing roll of her eyes, "… she is _quite_ the little madam when she wants to be. She thinks she's so grown up. She thinks she's got it all figured out."

"Yeah."

"She thinks that she is in love with you….. " looking at him with a long, steady stare Olivia swallowed, "… but she is a **child **Calvin."

"She's your child….." said Calvin with a quiet, solicitous repose, "…. but she's not a kid."

"Not anymore." Unable to help herself Olivia said that which her heart bled.

"Olivia….."

"She is smart, and good in school, and she is going to go to college and be brilliant. She is going to go to Paris and wander the streets of Montmartre like her precious Amelie. She's going to do all the things she dreams of doing and be all the things she dreams of being."

"I know that."

"Calvin she is so young, so naïve, so innocent. I know she puts on a good show and she talks big but she's just a little girl. She doesn't know what we know."

"I love her Olivia….." he shrugged, rounding his shoulders and opening his soul to her through wide green blue lakes of love, "…. I'm in love with her."

"Then let her go."

"That isn't what she wants."

"She doesn't know _what _she wants!" gulped Olivia, not because she wasn't profoundly fond of Calvin but because she would walk through fire to protect Eve. "She's already lying to me. She's sneaking around behind my back, losing her virginity at sixteen to a boy she doesn't even know."

"She knows me."

"**I** know you….." countered Olivia quickly, her face twisting with the pain of how deeply that was true, "…. and that's what makes this so much harder than you know."

"I told her I was a bad idea. I told her I was no good. She just wouldn't quit ….." the way he turned away, the way his voice broke, the way his eyes burned with tears he refused to cry broke Olivia's heart, "… she's wouldn't quit on me."

"I will help you, sweetheart."

"Livia…."

"I will be there for you. I will do whatever we have to do to help you get back on your feet. I will support you in finding a place to live and a job and a life. I will give you _anything_ you want….." sliding her jaw from side to side and chewing on the words, powerless to hot tears sliding down her cheeks Olivia choked, "…. but **not **Evie."

"She's the only good thing that ever happened to me….." he murmured gruffly, his thin set eyes red raw, "…. 'cept you."

"I can't let this happen. I can't. I _know _you love her, I don't doubt that, and maybe she really is in love with you and I don't blame her but..."

"So…."

"But the things you've seen? The places you've been? You've survived things no one should ever have to. You've lived a life that is violent and brutal and cruel and she has no idea. She hasn't the first clue what you see when you close your eyes at night. She doesn't know that kind of darkness even exists and it is my job, it is my _responsibility _as her mother to make sure she never does. To protect her from that."

"To protect her from me?" he sighed bitterly.

"I let you down, sweetheart. I didn't fight hard enough. I saw you on the edge of that cliff and had hold of your hand and I didn't cling on tight enough. I'm not going to make that same mistake with my daughter….." with a stinging swallow Olivia vowed, "… you're not going to see Evie again. Not like that."

"She's all I got."

"I know. I know, sweetheart. But you know what? You're **not **all that she has. Can you understand that? Can you understand that I don't mean to hurt you but I…."

"I can understand….." he said quietly, with a grudging and painful acceptance of the inevitable.

"Calvin I'm sorry….."

"If she was my daughter?" with a heavy shrug he turned away. Ashamed.

"Oh sweetheart…."

"I wouldn't want her with a guy like me."

"You and _me_?" whispered Olivia, reaching across the table and wrapping her hand around his rough fingers. "We're not done."

"Yeah…" moving his hand away Calvin got up slowly from his chair, nodding slowly and deliberately avoiding looking her in the eye, "… yeah we are."


	10. We're Not Broken Just Bent

Why are you being such an asshole!"

"Why are you so surprised?" snickered Calvin, running a hand through his hair and rolling his eyes at an increasingly infuriated Eve. "You're just another girl Bambi."

"You're only saying that because you're pissed at me. You think I lied to you about who my mother is but I didn't **know** Calvin. I had no clue you two had a history and you're a dick for punishing me when you _know _I did nothing wrong here."

"I'm not punishing you…." he shrugged, playacting indifference coming so easy to him after years of practice so long as he didn't meet her teary eyes, "…. I don't give a crap."

"So we're really doing this? We're really pretending that the past few weeks don't mean a thing just because my Mom is freaking out?"

"She wouldn't be if you hadn't told her you fucked and sucked a bad boy."

"I hate you _so much _right now….." she rasped, with an icy, narrow eyed stare that did little to hide her agony.

"Go home little girl."

"Go to hell, asshole."

"You're not even close to being the big deal you think you are Evie Stabler. Girls like you are dime a dozen….." pushing her away with the full force of both hands Calvin shrugged, "… like buses."

"I know what you're doing and it won't work. I don't care how many girls you've screwed we're _different_ and you know it. So you can drink that beer and get wasted out of your mind and pretend like you don't give a damn but I know you do. I know you love me."

"You're deluded."

"Calvin!"

"It's all in your head Bambi."

"You're a liar!" she yelled, her voice breaking as she shook her head in painful disbelief.

"Go a-way. Leave me alone Eve."

"So I was wrong about you?" she whispered, swallowing hard against the rising nausea in her stomach as she slid down from the passenger seat and turned back to give him one last chance. "You really _are_ that guy?"

"Yup."

"I **know** this isn't what you want. I know you don't mean any of this crap you're spouting and I don't know why you're hurting me like this but I just hope it's worth it. I don't know why you're putting on this little show for me but it sucks. **You** suck Calvin, and you're better than this. You are _better _than this."

* * *

"Why are you not punching something?"

"Because I am not an animal and I don't appreciate….." he was teasing her, and in that moment she couldn't have hated him more for it.

"Elliot!"

"What?"

"I just told you that our baby daughter lost it to a nineteen year old high school dropout who lives in his truck!"

"You mean Calvin."

"Are you _high _right now?" puffed Olivia, her eyes wild and her hands pinned to her hips ready for war. "Did someone slip a Valium in that coffee? Because I would have thought you would have something to say about this. I was prepared for yelling and death threats and you tearing up my kitchen. I was _not _prepared for you to stand there looking at me gormlessly like I just told you the store was out of milk."

"What d'ya want me to say Liv?" he sighed, attempting to parcel her into his arms and pacify her but receiving firm resistance. "I know you're upset. I know you are and I want to help but…."

"Aren't _you_? What is wrong with you right now El? Evie had sex! With a boy! Your little girl is no longer a virgin. Your daughter is no longer a little girl!"

"And it hurts like hell, it does. The letting go. It's the worst kind of pain but it's also inevitable." Sighing heavily Elliot reached for her hand and stroked his thumbs across her knuckles, "Babe don't get me wrong, don't think for a second that I'm enjoying this. She's my baby too and I want to protect her and coddle her just as much as…."

"I do not coddle her."

"This isn't my first rodeo, Liv."

"I know that."

"And I don't want you to feel like I'm not right there with you on this, believe me I don't. It's just I've been there, in that hell you're in right now, three times already. It doesn't get any easier to hear but it gets easier to deal with."

"She wasn't ready."

"Did _she_ tell you that?"

"No, no she told me she's in love with him and she wanted it and that despite being built like the Brooklyn Bridge he's….." twisting her face at the thought Olivia added, "…. gentle with her."

"Liv this isn't some random guy we're talking about here. It's Calvin, _your _Calvin. We know this kid."

"He's not a kid anymore El. He's not that same little boy you used to play rock paper scissors with at the 1-6."

"You were only telling me the other day how he's a good guy, how he's trying to straighten his life out and…."

"That was before he was sleeping with our daughter."

"How old were _you_, babe?" asked Elliot, slicing with a sharp knife at her rapidly beating heart.

"You know the answer to that." She snapped hotly.

"Maureen was seventeen, Katie only fourteen and I know now that was her illness but I didn't then and it just about killed me. Lizzie we were lucky and she was in college but we both know even she's made her fair share of bad choices with guys."

"Is this supposed to make me feel better?" smarted Olivia, though the sting had gone from her tail and she was softening.

"Kath found condoms in Maureen's draw and it took her six months to get a confession out of her. Katie got drunk and blurted it while I held her hair back and she spewed green jello shots into a bucket. Lizzie talked to just about every person on the planet about it before Kathy dragged it out of her three Christmases later."

"I just wanted her to wait….." the words catching in her throat Olivia allowed him to approach this time, moving his hands to her waist and then stroking soothingly at the small of her back.

"Look I might have to say a few more hail Mary's on Sunday for saying this but this isn't so bad. It might not be how you wanted things to play out but I gotta tell you it could've been a whole lot worse. You said they were smart?"

"Yeah, yeah she promised me they were safe."

"And she's not upset about it? She doesn't regret it? Feel bad?"

"No….." conceded Olivia reluctantly.

"And Liv she came to you. She did something she _knew_ you'd hate and she knew would he awkward to talk about but she sucked it up and without any kind of blackmailing or bribery or Mirandizing she came clean."

"So you really want me to try and see this as a win?" laughed Olivia desperately.

"I treated Maureen like a leper, I grounded Katie and I couldn't look Lizzie in the eye for a week. That isn't _right,_ babe, and you were the first in line to tell me so if I remember rightly."

"You were a monster."

"I was."

"Am I a monster? Oh Elliot did I really screw this up?" she breathed, falling into his chest and burying her face. "What if she never trusts me again?"

* * *

"I don't understand I thought he loved me….."

"Oh baby girl, come here…" falling down onto the sofa beside Eve, who sat cocooned in blankets and heartbreak Fin sighed, "… come here."

"He won't answer any of my texts or calls. I left him messages. It's like he just dropped off the face of the earth or something."

"You know what maybe he just needs a little time to…"

"I know I said some stuff I shouldn't be he did too. Only the worst part is I _know _he was lying. He was just saying all that stuff because he and my Mom have this weird history and he's trying to be some kind of hero."

"Evie that boy has the weight of the world on his shoulders. It started when he was knee high and it just never stopped. He's not like you, baby girl. He wasn't raised the way you were."

"I know that! I _know _he's got it rough but I don't care Fin. None of that matters to me. I don't care what he's done or what mistakes he's made he wasn't like that with me. He was good and kind and….." too tired to even process thoughts properly anymore Eve curled up against Fin's broad chest and sighed miserably, "… I just wish he'd talk to me. I just want to tell him that none of this matters and it doesn't change anything. At least not for me."

"What does your Mom have to say about all this? Your Dad?"

"Mom and I were fine until she knew it was Calvin and then that's when it all just went to hell. She's been weird ever since. Like, not mad, just quiet. I hate it when she gets like that. I just wish she'd shout or get angry or something. At least then I'd know where I stand."

"She talk to Calvin?" tested Fin, but when Eve shrugged her shoulders he doubted that was the end of the story. If he knew Olivia, and he did, then she had gone straight to Calvin at the first opportunity. His cynical side suspected she was probably the cause of Calvin's sudden silence, whether Eve knew it or not.

"No, no I don't think so."

"Baby girl it's late and you've got school first thing. You wanna stay here tonight?"

"Can I?" smiled Eve, forever grateful for her home away from home.

"Call Liv and get her sign off….." smiled Fin, ruffling her hair as he got up from the couch and handed Eve her cell phone, "… and I'll defrost a pizza."

* * *

"You get tired of pretending you're better than us Cal?"

"I'm not better than you."

"Big of you to say."

"So…." pressing thin lips together, stood shoulders hunched and hands in pockets in the doorway of his cousin's apartment Calvin swallowed hard, "… can I come home or not?"

"Home? What are you? Five years old?"

"Can I stay or not Johnny?" tired, more tired than he could ever remember being in his exhausting life Calvin leant against the doorframe and sighed heavily. "I'll do whatever you want."

"You got rent?"

"Nope."

"What'd you think this is, boy? A fucking hotel?"

"No."

"You're dead weight Calvin and I'm done carrying you. You're not a little kid anymore and it's about time you started paying your way round here. Bout time you joined the family business I reckon."

"I need an address….." deliberately mumbling as inaudibly as possible Calvin added, "… to register."

"Register for what? You found some benefit we're not already getting? You found a loophole?" now he was curious, now Johnny was listening. He had always known his cousin had claimed all the brains in the family, or at least the smarts, and perhaps he could prove useful after all.

"No."

"So what you registering for?"

"Class."

"What class?"

"Just a class, alright J! I wanna pass fucking high school if you gotta know."

"Don't you yell at me boy and what makes you think that reading books is gonna pay your rent. You were a waste of space in school the same way you're a waste of space here. You'd be better off taking a few classes from me, from the school of life. It'd do you more good."

"Look can I move back in or not?"

"How the hell did I get _stuck_ with you Calvin?"

"I'll get you the money."

"Damn right you will."

"Fine."

"We're a guy short tonight. 59th Street bodega leaves his kid sister watching the cash on a Friday between 7 and 9. We're taking it. You can be the fifth."

"Johnny I can't….." throwing his head back, closing his eyes, and seeing Olivia and Eve and all their disappointment imprinted on the insides of his eyelids.

"You wanna earn your way back in here?" reaching down the back of the sofa and fishing out a 9mm Johnny tossed it across the room at Calvin. "Load that and be ready to roll by 6."

* * *

"Can I come in?"

"If I say no will it stop you?"

"Yes….." said Olivia firmly, before twisting her face from Eve's doorway and confessing, "… no, no probably not."

"Let's test the theory. No, no you can't come in. Go away and leave me alone."

"Yeah, no….." sighed Olivia with a warm, patient smile as she wandered across the carpet and took up a perch on the edge of her daughter's bed, "… you were right. Not gonna stop me."

"Mom the past few days have sucked. Like, really, truly sucked on a whole new level than I ever thought they could. Please tell me you're not here to lecture me or talk to me about college or how if I washed my own cheer kit then you'd have more time to….."

"It's my fault, Evie."

"What is?" asked Eve, dragging herself up from her pillow and pushing her hair behind her ears. "What's your fault?"

"You think that Calvin is ignoring you because he doesn't love you or because he thinks you lied to him or because…."

"He's an asshole and Fin has a big mouth."

"He's ignoring you because I told him to. You have every right to be upset, to be angry, and to be confused at why I would…."

"I'm not confused Mom."

"I…."

"Upset, yeah. Angry, sure. But I know why you did it. I knew even _before _Fin and Dad played council for the defence. I knew as soon as you told me who Calvin was and how you knew him that you just wouldn't be able to help yourself….."

"Hey!"

"Will you help me fix it?"

"Evie….."

"I know you think he's a bad guy but he's not and….."

"I never said he was a bad guy I….."

"You warned him off me! You didn't have to!"

"Okay, okay I'm sorry."

"He was a pain in my ass about not skipping school and doing my homework and making me list over and over again all the reasons I want to go to college and Europe and….." laughing, a little breathless at the memory of all those conversations Eve sighed, "… he was even more annoying than you about it and that's _really_ going some."

"I just want to protect you Eve…" whispered Olivia, reaching for her daughter's hand and hoping her impulsive actions hadn't cost her too dearly, "…. you know that right?"

"Hey, knock knock…" rapping lightly at the door Elliot waited a moment, smiling at his girls and asking, "…. can I join you ladies?"

"Oh sure, sure because it wasn't mortifying enough….."

"You're old enough to have sex Eve and you're old enough to talk about it like a grown up."

"I **did** talk about it. I came to you and I did _everything _you asked Mom!"

"I know you did, baby, and…."

"So why'd you do it?" asked Eve with a soft voiced disappointment that was harder for Olivia to bear than her earlier outrage. "If you know Calvin isn't a bad guy and you trust me then why did you screw everything up?"

"Because I panicked….." shrugged Olivia honestly, looking to Elliot in the doorway for support. "Honestly, Evie that's the truth. You _did _do everything right and believe me when I say that I of all people know that Calvin Arliss is a good guy but you are my _baby girl_ and when it comes to protecting you all bets are off. I lost my head."

"He's being an ass but he loves me….." it stole Olivia's breath to see that same wilful determination in her daughter's eyes that she knew burned in her own heart, "… we're not done. It's not over."

"Okay."

"So you're done freaking out?"

"Oh Evie G if you knew how I've only just _started _freaking out…." laughed Olivia, rolling her eyes heavenward and leaning in to hug Eve tight, "…. you're just gonna have to bear with me here. This is _no fun_ for your Momma, sweet girl."

"Dad will you tell her she's psychotic."

"I will not."

"She's a crazy person!"

"She is your mother Mouse….." said Elliot, shooting her a warning look, "… and you will get a little bit more respect in your voice when you talk about her please?"

"Yes Dad….." she nodded curtly, before holding Olivia at arm's length and flashing her a wicked little smile and whispering, "… you are a _crazy person_."

"I'm sorry Evie, can we start over? Can we fix this, together? Can you give me a chance to do better at this, please?"

"Yeah, yeah I think so, I can do that..." nodded Eve slowly, her eyes shining for Olivia, "... I love you Momma."


	11. I Knew You Were Trouble

"He's just dropped off the map."

"He hasn't, let's face it. He's with Johnny." Sighing wearily Olivia accepted the inevitable, and that which had been confirmed by the pursuit of information from various sources she had undertaken since her last contact with Calvin. "He was part of that bodega robbery the other night. He was seen dealing in Bryant Park when they arrested those two guys he hangs around with. God knows what else he's gotten into since he fell back into that world."

"I hate to ask but it's gonna be done….." ventured Fin reluctantly, "… are we _sure _that he's not made contact with Evie?"

"Fin that child is broken hearted, trust me if she'd heard from him I'd know."

"We've got no case without Calvin." Said Georgia, because no one else would.

"I don't even care about the case anymore….." exhaled Olivia, lifting her hands behind her head and pushing back on her chair, "…. and no, no I don't mean that." Though she had quickly counteracted her statement the assembled group, even those who had not been around when the story had begun were acutely aware of how difficult the situation was for their Captain. Like when Sam had broken his arm, like the bomb scare at the kids' high school, no matter how hard Olivia might fight to keep a professional front: her mom was showing.

"If you ask me we've got more reason than ever to want Johnny Arliss behind bars…" said Georgia with a supportive smile, "…. give both Lauren and Calvin a chance at a future."

"You know I'm gonna make myself pretty unpopular saying this but I reckon the best chance we got of smoking Calvin out is….."

"Not gonna happen Nick." Said Olivia without pausing to draw breath.

"Liv there is no feeling more powerful on this earth than teenage love."

"Oh trust, _trust_ me I am acutely aware of that Detective Amaro."

"Amaro we're not using baby girl as freakin' bait, don't be an ass!" dismissed Fin, not even willing to entertain the notion and shocked that Olivia hadn't beaten him to the more forceful reproach.

"He has a point Fin….. " continuing to stun her audience Olivia tilted her head and held her breath a second, "… I mean there's no way in hell I'd do it. El would kill me and I'd never forgive myself if Evie got hurt but Nick isn't wrong."

"I'm just gonna say it again because I don't know who you are right now…." leaning forward, putting his face in hers and narrowing his eyes Fin snarled, "… we're not using baby girl as bait, Captain."

"We gotta search that house."

"What you thinking?" asked Georgia, latching onto the first real suggestion anyone had had in hours. "We got anything we can make warrantable?"

"I'll find something…." vowed Olivia, heading back to her office with a grim determination.

* * *

"I'm going back to LA."

"And you came all the way over here to tell me that?" asked Georgia, throwing Rachel a sidelong glance as Melinda's daughter danced awkwardly from foot to foot beside her desk in the SVU squad room. "Only I gotta tell you Rach it's pretty much old news at this point. You come, go you. You visit for five minutes barely acknowledge my existence and then you sail right back down the river denial to Gray."

"I guess I deserved that."

"Yeah."

"Georgia…." ventured Rachel nervously, standing like a flamingo for a moment and clutching her purse like it were a grenade without it's pin, "…. can we talk?"

"I'm sorry what….." taking the pen from her mouth and tucking it between her hair with a sprig of white blonde cropped hair Georgia puzzled, "…. what is this if not us talking? I speak, you speak. What?"

"Is there somewhere we can go?"

"Darn it where the hell did I put that CPS report….."

"Georgia!"

"What?" came the frustrated response as Georgia's tolerance for Rachel's soft voiced twittering was tested. "Look Rach I know the drill here. You come for a visit and you spend the whole time avoiding me and then at the last minute you have this massive attack of conscience so you come and see me. With one foot already on the freakin' plane back to California you come and tell me how I'm the best friend you've ever had, how I _get _you, how you wish that things were different."

"I…."

"Well guess what?" throwing her hands on her hips and flashing Amanda Rollins' sassy smile and buoyant ability to endure rejection and solitude Georgia shrugged, "I am, I do, but they're not. Things are the way they are, it is what it is. Go home, Rachel."

"Los Angeles isn't home for me….." swallowed Rachel quietly, sadly, with a finality in her voice that weakened Georgia's strong defence, "… and lately I've come to realise I don't think it ever was."

"You've made a damn good show of it the past fourteen years."

"What if that's all it's been?" where Georgia was all colour and fireworks, Rachel was intimate shades of grey and black and white, haunting and sensual in her husky voiced intensity. "What if my whole life out there has just been a _damn good_ show?"

"Rachel I am _tired _of having this conversation with you. I am done running on this hamster wheel running toward somewhere and something we don't ever reach. I have waited for you longer than anyone should ever have to wait for someone, and we've been here a million times before. It's exhausting. Loving you, waiting for you is _exhausting_ and you're beyond cruel doing this to me again."

"I'm done running too….." nodded Rachel slowly, deliberately, dropping her satchel bag the floor with a light thud and catching Georgia's hand in hers, "…. I'm done running from you Georgia."

"What are you….."

"I'm done running from us….." looking round in panic to see that there were still more than enough witnesses in the squad room to ensure every officer in the NYPD would know her secret Georgia grabbed Rachel's hand and dragged her into the deserted crib.

"I see you're not though."

"What?"

"You act so strong, so certain, so sure….." smiled Rachel, though her furrowed brow betrayed her confusion at Georgia's complexities, "… but you're every bit as terrified by this as I am."

"You're really not kidding this time are you?" realised Georgia, finding the prospect of their relationship lifting to a higher plane indeed quite intimidating now it was seemingly taking roots in reality. So long she had longed for this moment, this certainty in Rachel's eyes and now there it was and she was petrified.

"I was never kidding George I was just….." closing her eyes, ashamed at all the years of cowardice she had shown Rachel opened them again and murmured, "…. this is different than anything I have ever known."

"I know and I know you hate it. It's unknown and it's unpredictable and hell if I know what this is or where it's going or whether it will…."

"My marriage is over….." shrugging sadly Rachel managed a smile despite her threatening tears, "… and it has been for a long time now."

"Rach…."

"In fact sometimes I wonder whether it was over before it began."

"No, no that's not…."

"It was you from the moment I met you I just didn't know it yet. It was you from the moment I met you in the rubble of the old 16th when you asked Mom and I questions about Amanda Rollins….." reaching out a trembling hand, setting it ever so lightly on Georgia's porcelain cheek and nodding slowly Rachel whispered, "…but I was just too scared to admit it. Even to myself."

"Rachel please don't…._ don't_….." she gasped, as Rachel cupped her face and moved toward, her pressing her against the wall of the dim lit crib and staring at her intently, "… unless you mean it."

"I mean it I swear …" sliding her hand to the nape of Georgia's neck, stroking at the fine wisps of razored blonde Rachel pressed her lips against the detective's lightly parted mouth and waited for reciprocation.

"Rach…."

"I have no clue what I'm doing or how to do this or whether it's even a smart choice but for the first time in my life I don't care! I just want to be with you….." and then, because for all the rationality, for all the science, there was something deeper driving her Rachel let go of the reigns and confessed, "… I **need** to be with you."

"Warner I swear to God if you break my heat….." no one had ever spoken to her that way, with such rough edged, rasping voiced command, and shameless passion, "…. I will break your legs."

"Noted….." came the breathy reply from Rachel as the two women trusted the one thing that was tangible, the way holding each other felt too raw and real to be wrong, the way kissing felt like freedom at last.

* * *

"What about this one?"

"It's too small."

"It's bigger than the old one and Mom already hates how much space that takes up….." noted Eve, running her hand along the top of the flat screen television Sam favoured, "…. besides it's our living room not an IMAX."

"Yeah but imagine watching the big games on this bad boy come the fall….." grinned Sam, seeing his argument was stronger in Elliot's glinting eyes, "…right Dad?"

"It's a pretty sweet piece of kit."

"Ugh you two are the _worst _and I hate being outnumbered….." groaned Eve, throwing her head and back and shaking her ponytail in frustration, "… I vote we come back when Mom can join the rational team!"

"Mouse you seriously don't think your movie nights would be more fun on this big screen?" tested Elliot, shooting for her Achilles heel.

"No….." swallowed Eve, her melancholy returning as she sloped off to wander around the rest of the electronics department. She hadn't had movie night since she'd broken up with Jason Williams and though she didn't really miss him, she missed the simplicity of those days. When all she had to worry about was being on time to meet him at her locker when the last bell rang and pretending to all her friends that she'd let him go to second under the bleachers.

"Hey Mouse? Come back here….." the original intention of Elliot and Sam bringing Eve with them to the mall had been to cheer her up in the wake of Calvin's disappearance, and Elliot realised they were failing miserably.

"Can we just go eat now?" she asked glumly, not sharing the boys' love of oversized electronics and just wishing Olivia was here. Partly to talk them out of the stupidly large television, but mostly to give one of her all healing mom hugs.

"You wanna pick where?" offered Sam, which drew a smile from his sister as she knew just what a noble gesture that was on his part.

"Thanks Sammy."

"Just not Olive Garden."

"Oh what!"

"Or anywhere fishy…." he added, narrowing his eyes.

"No sushi then?" she giggled, feeling suddenly a little brighter as Sam play punched her and Elliot drew her back into the fold with a paternal arm around her shoulders.

"Hey I will eat just about anything but even I draw the line at raw fish!" contributed Elliot, employing his veto right.

"Are Mom and I seriously the only ones in this family with any taste?" sighed Eve, leaning into Elliot and rolling her eyes fondly.

"Your mother eats fried pickles. I will not be judged by a Frickle lover."

"Hey guys I need new batteries for the Wii remotes, meet you at the food court?"

"You got your cell?" checked Elliot, before agreeing to the separation. "Okay buddy, but don't be long yeah?"

"Yes sir." Nodded Sam with a smile, dashing back to the electronics aisle wallet in hand.

"How you doing mini Mouse?" asked Elliot, when he and Eve were alone.

"I'm okay Dad."

"Still nothing from Calvin, huh?"

"Nope."

"There'll be other boys, kiddo….." sighed the voice of experience as Elliot bent down to kiss her hair, "…..trust me, they'll be lining up to date you, pretty girl. I'm already loading my gun."

"Daddy!"

"I'm just kidding but not about the first part. You got my brains and charm and your mother's looks….." looking down at her adoringly Elliot smiled, "… you could have any boy in the world Evie Grace."

"But I don't want any boy….." was the truth of the matter and the cause of such heart-breaking sadness in his little girl's eyes, "… I want him."

* * *

"This must be torture for Olivia."

"And some."

"Having Calvin back in her life after all these years, and under the circumstances with his cousin would be hard enough….." shaking her curls steadily from side to side Melinda Warner's kind face drew with concern, "… but oh _Evie, _my little darling, she's headed for hell in a hand basket with that boy."

"She's got her mother's lousy taste in men….." smirked Fin, but they both knew he was only partly joking. He was incredibly fond of Elliot had long ago accepted that he was the love of Olivia's life, but he would never underestimate his ability to be an ass of the highest order.

"Speaking of Elliot….." unable to resist a wicked smirk Melinda pushed up a brow and asked, "… is he working on a stomach ulcer over all this?"

"I think baby girl must've drugged him or something because of the two of them he's actually being freakishly calm."

"He doesn't believe it'll stick?" gosh she was shrewd, marvelled Fin with continued astonishment at Dr Warner's capacity to read people.

"I guess I didn't figure it that way."

"Oh he likes to play into the angry Jar Head idiot role, but you mark my words: Elliot Stabler hasn't worked two decades as an NYPD detective and raised seven children being anyone's fool."

"Damn you're good."

"So is he….." shrugged Melinda sagely, "… he knows his best strategy is supportive nonchalance. The harder he fights Evie on Calvin the harder she'll fight back. He'll drive her straight into that beautiful boy's waiting arms."

"It really sucks that Calvin turned out that way. Why the hell couldn't he be ugly?"

"Fin!"

"Dude looks like he could be part of the pepper spray gang at Abercrombie."

"The what and the who now?"

"You seriouslyreckon Stabler is that smart?"

"I reckon he's had to learn to be. You and I both saw the hoops Kathleen made him jump through in her wild days. Heck even Lizzie put him through his paces a good few times."

"They got _nothing _on baby girl….." sighed Fin, hopelessly besotted with Evie, "…she's the prettiest little thing I ever saw and she's got Liv's fire."

"You really think she loves Calvin?" trusting he would know better than most, being as though she had never known a secret of Eve Stabler's he wasn't party to from the moment she was old enough to have one.

"Honestly if she was any other sixteen year old on the planet I'd say hell no. Kids that age don't know what love is. They're just all horny hormones and proving a point."

"Nice Fin, real nice."

"But Evie….." sighing heavily he lost himself in thought for a moment, "… man Mel I dunno."

"How'd you mean?" she asked curiously.

"You ever catch Liv sometimes, in that faraway place she goes? Like she feels things stronger or deeper than the rest of us or something. Like things get under her skin and into her blood? I used to think it was just all her past catching up with her but lately I catch baby girl a million miles away and I wonder….."

"Olivia has a capacity for darkness like I've never known before….." said Melinda with profound, heartfelt concern, "…. I certainly hope _that _it isn't genetic."

"Nah, nah I'm probably just…."

"You're buzzing….." interrupted Melinda, reaching for his cell and tossing it over the lab countertop at him, "….it's Amaro."

"What's up bro?" face paling, eyes widening Fin strung together a collection of stammered half sentences before hanging up the phone and lunging for his weapon and car keys.

"Fin! What the hell was that?"

"I gotta go….." he rushed, turning back to squash a kiss against her flummoxed expression, "… shots fired at Johnny Arliss' place!"

* * *

"I want a deal."

"Johnny put the gun down….." swallowed Olivia, her nostrils flaring as took long steadying breaths and attempted to slow her heart rate, "… and we'll talk."

"I know who you are….." said Johnny, jabbing at Calvin's temple with the muzzle of his gun. With his head cocked sideways Calvin just sat there, doll like and passive in Johnny's tyre iron grip around his neck. Calmly accepting his impending fate he gave Olivia and her detectives the horrified impression that it was not the first time he had been in this position.

"Then you know I can help you."

"I don't just mean that you're Leader of the Sex Police…." laughed Johnny, his eyes wild and his pupil's dilated with something even stronger than his power high, "….you and this little cunt here have a history."

"Give me the gun, Johnny….." she hated that word, it was the one word in the English language that truly reviled her and to hear it used to describe Calvin turned her stomach and chilled her blood, "….now."

"You're the desperate bitch Viv talked about."

"Yes….." nodded Olivia slowly, reluctantly conceding enough power to ensure Calvin's safety, "… yes it's true, you're right. Calvin and I have a history."

"Till you realised what a waste of fucking oxygen he is….." kicking Calvin hard in the side Johnny's laugh was volatile and cut glass, "…. ain't that the truth cuz?"

"Yeah, yeah waste of oxygen…." muttered Calvin, finding the kind warmth of Olivia Benson's deep brown eyes and allowing himself to get lost in them, "… that's me."

"He knows his place, don't you Cal."

"Johnny? I just got off the phone with ADA Cabot and we're working on a deal for you….." nodding slowly as he entered the scene Nick Amaro narrowed his eyes at Olivia and acknowledged the dance they were about to engage in together, "…. but we can't start talking terms until you give up that gun."

"She gonna drop the rape charge?"

"Let Calvin go and we'll…."

"She fucking wanted it….." rolling his eyes back in his head as Johnny dragged him up by the collar of his shirt Calvin shuddered in disgust, "….little rich bitch got no business accusing me of shit I didn't do. She fucking _deserved _ to….."

"Johnny you're hurting him….." swallowed Olivia, bending down slowly and surrendering her own weapon as Calvin's face grew redder and redder from the tight choke hold Johnny had on his collar.

"Liv…." hissed Nick, as she took steps he didn't recognise in their usual tango. At least she was wearing a vest, he thought, his eyes darting the room for secondary escape routes.

"Yeah, yeah _Liv _what you doing?" asked Johnny nervously, as Olivia took slow steps toward him with her empty hands held upturned in surrender.

"Let him go…" she whispered hoarsely, keeping her emotions in check and making no sudden movements, "….and you can have me."

"Livia don't….." warned Calvin, his eyes widening as he shook his restrained head back and forth rapidly in panic.

"Damn Cal this bitch gives a shit….." unnerved not only by Olivia's persistence but by the way she looked at his cousin Johnny's body tensed.

"Johnny just let him go and….."

"Livia _please _don't come any….."

"What'd you do Cal?" it was beyond his realm of comprehension, beyond anything he himself had ever experienced. Johnny could not understand why this beautiful, kind eyed woman was putting her life on the line for a member of his family. The only love he had ever known had come with a price, and he had paid it every time, "You found yourself a toy boy?"

"Fuck you Johnny!" seeing red Calvin fought hard against his cousin's restraint. No one talked about Olivia that way. She may have hurt him, he may have been bruised by their relationship but she was the closest thing to completely perfect he had ever known. He loved her more than his own mother, even after all these years.

"You fuck yourself a MILF cuz?"

"SHUT UP!"

"You get yourself a fine piece of cougar ass to….."

"YOU BASTARD!"

As Calvin broke free from Johnny's grip and lunged at him with the full force of his body weight, shots rang out. First to fire was Amaro who only grazed Johnny's shoulder in a bid not to hit Calvin in error. As the two boys scuffled and Calvin fought to wrestle the gun from his cousin Nick yelled warningly and Olivia lost her professional head, pleading with Calvin for his own safety.

"Back off bitch!" snarled Johnny as Olivia approached.

"DROP YOUR WEAPON!" demanded Amaro, finger poised as he aimed his gun at Johnny.

"CALVIN RUN!" yelled Olivia, making her move and attempting to knock the gun from Johnny's hand.

"LIVIA!" knowing Johnny was more than capable of murder without remorse Calvin saw his cousin's finger pull and, in a heartbeat, threw himself with everything he had at Olivia.

"OLIVIA!" hollered Nick in horror as Johnny's gun went off and bullets flew.

"OFFICER DOWN, OFFICER DOWN!" came the shout from the doorway as Calvin and Olivia hit the floor and in response Nick fired two clean shots at Johnny Arliss' chest.


	12. Like A Comet Pulled From Orbit

"MOM!"

"Baby girl….." as Eve and Sam hurled themselves into their mother's waiting arms Olivia squeezed them tight, "… it's okay, Sammy, hey, I'm alright."

"We heard you got shot?" asked Sam, looking all of his fourteen and a half years as he stared up at her wide eyed and anxious. "You're not hurt are you?"

"No, no I'm fine I….." distracted from her reassurances by the figure rushing down the corridor, looking left and right before finally setting eyes on his family, Olivia felt her whole body relax. "Elliot….." she murmured with a thankful smile, as the children dutifully released her without hesitation and left her free to fall into their father's fretful arms.

"I am getting _way _too old for this shit Liv….." feeling as though he had aged considerably as he'd driven the children from school to the hospital Elliot kissed his wife with a loving, lingering kiss of relief.

"The situation just got away from me is all." She murmured, kissing him once more because she knew he needed it in that moment.

"How many red lights have we run over the years?" he asked urgently, stroking her face and trusting she knew exactly what he meant. There had been all too many times throughout the course of their friendship, relationship and marriage when either one of them had had to put pedal to metal after receiving the call everyone dreads.

"I am _fine _babe….." she soothed, stroking at his cheek tenderly.

While Sam, reassured of his mother's wellbeing, explored the nearby vending machine Eve looked on in awe. Watching her parents through her thick, spidery lashes she couldn't help but smile despite the gravity of the conversation taking place. Her parents' love was breath taking. It wasn't easy or in any way perfect and they had their flaws like any couple, but they were a part of one another. Their souls were so intrinsically weaved that they were incapable of functioning without one another. It was why she understood that though he would never say it in as many words Elliot's desire for Olivia to retire grew daily.

"What happened?" shaking off his own fear to address the scenario at hand Elliot reached down for Olivia's hand and held it as they talked.

Eve felt her heart skip. All she wanted was to know that one day, fifty years from now, someone would still look at her the way Elliot looked at Olivia in that moment. Like she was his reason for living. Like he couldn't' decide whether to smother her in hugs and kisses or tear her clothes off. She was probably sick, she mused quietly, for thinking that way, about her parents but she didn't care. Olivia was everything she aspired to be. She was strong enough to be weak, wild and yet powerfully safe, her eyes windows to a soul deeper and darker and lighter and more beautiful than she could comprehend.

"I let my emotions cloud my judgement and I put him in danger."

"Who?" asked Elliot, attempting to wrap his mind around what had transpired. "Amaro?"

"No, no he's fine. They're making him see a shrink but it was a clean shoot and not fatal. They think Johnny will be fine."

"Good, good, that's….." reaching her face to see that she was of the same opinion Elliot nodded slowly, "… well that's something."

"Baby girl, come here a minute?" holding out a hand for Eve and looking to see Sam was also listening Olivia took a deep breath. "I need to talk to you."

"Mom….."

"What I wouldn't let your Dad tell you on the ride over, until I had you here in person, was where I was when this happened. I had taken Detective Amaro and your Uncle Fin to search Johnny Arliss' house for….."

"Cal?" that look in her eyes when Eve spoke of Calvin stole Olivia's breath. She had only ever looked at one man that way, and she was now wearing his ring.

"We tried to talk down the situation but Johnny was angry and agitated and he was armed, baby. He was carrying a weapon and he was making threats….." seeing no good in her knowing Calvin had been held as bait at gun point she edited the story and moved straight to the final chapter, "… and when the situation escalated he took a shot at me…."

"Oh my God Liv!" screwing up his face in disbelief Elliot began to realise what Olivia already did, that the Arliss family's troubles ran deeper than any of them could have imagined. Johnny was not just a petty criminal anymore, not even just a rapist if that could even be said, but someone prepared to shoot directly at a police officer.

"Calvin saw Johnny pull the trigger and….." squeezing her hand tight, seeing her about to lose it Elliot's jaw tightened.

"Jesus….." turning her eyes to Elliot and Olivia spoke him when it was too much for her to speak directly to Eve.

"That boy put himself between me and that gun without even _hesitating _Elliot."

"Brave kid."

"Stupid kid!" gasped Olivia, shaking her head teary eyed. "I was wearing a vest! That bullet wouldn't have done me _nearly _the same damage it's done him."

"So is he…" suddenly remembering Eve, stood shaking between them with her eyes so full of tears her parents were just a blur, Olivia's heart broke as she whispered "… is he dead?"

"No!" grabbing at Eve and pulling her close Olivia shook her head quickly, "No, no baby girl he's not dead. He's in surgery. They're fixing him up right now. He should be just fine."

"Should be?" swallowed Eve grimly, wise to the language used to pacify the families.

"They'll let us know as soon as they've got news …." said Elliot with a tender ruffle of Eve's hair, "…. how about you go grab a soda or something with your brother? There's a café down the hall and we'll come give you a shout the second they bring him back to the ward."

"You promise?" choked Eve, as Sam linked her arm.

"We promise, baby."

"Wow."

"Yeah….." sighed Elliot, draping his arm around Olivia's shoulder and dragging her in for another much needed hug, "… yeah pretty much."

"I gotta go sit down with the shrink. Check the box, set an example."

"You wanna go now and I'll stay with the kids?"

"I can't leave Calvin…" she sighed, burying her face in his neck and kissing lightly, "… the kid saved my life today Elliot."

"Liv he's not a kid."

"He's only nineteen years old. Let's not forget that."

"Look he's a good guy I know he is and I'm not challenging that. All I am saying is that age is just a number when you've lived his life, and we gotta hold damn tight to the reigns here, babe."

"I know."

"Mouse is a lovesick sixteen year old cheerleader. The biggest hardship that girl has ever had was that C- she got last year and her 10pm curfew."

"El that's not fair….."

"Sure it is. Look we're far from the perfect parents but we did okay. We fight sometimes but the kids know we're solid, we're not going anywhere. Evie has a whole freakin' army at her back. Brothers, sisters, uncles, aunts and a good chunk of the NYPD would all go to war for her. Calvin has a rapist cousin who holds him at gun point and then shoots at the closest thing he ever had to a real mom."

"That is _not _how he sees me anymore." Choked Olivia sadly, realising just how affected she still was by that loss.

"It doesn't matter, babe. My point is that Romeo and Juliet ain't got shit on those two. They're not just from two different worlds; they've been raised in two different galaxies. It scares the crap out of me!"

* * *

"You're really wearing those jeans Bambi."

"Cal!" came the gasping yelp as Eve spun around from arranging the flowers she'd brought and threw herself down onto the bed on top of him. "You're awake!"

"Ow."

"Oh I'm sorry!" laughing breathlessly she drew herself back, looking between his serene smile and heavily bandaged torso. "Does it hurt?"

"I got fucking shot….." he chuckled, rolling his eyes and realising with a rushing sensation of euphoric delight just how much he had missed that pretty smile, "…what'd you think genius?"

"Is it really bad?"

"You ask really dumb questions….." but I love you, came the unspoken qualification as he played with her fingers and stroked at her palm with one hand, while holding his side against a throbbing but strangely distant pain with the other, "… but it's okay 'cos these pain meds are actually pretty freakin' awesome so….."

"Calvin!" she snapped, her eyebrows drawing like swords. "This isn't supposed to be fun!"

"Trust me Bambi….." he sighed, allowing his head to fall to the side slightly as he stared up at her with lazy green eyes, "… this is not fun for me."

"What is going _on _with you?" she asked, before her mother or any of the police officers circling like vultures could do. She wanted to hear it first, from his mouth, the unedited and uninfluenced version. "What? You're back living with Johnny? Getting involved in his crap again? Getting _shot _by him? This is all shit, Cal!"

"Shit happens, Bambi…." he answered honestly, twisting his mouth and grinning, "… get used to it."

"My Mom told me you saved her life."

"Did I?"

"You know you did."

"Whatever."

"Calvin?" she whispered, reaching to his dirty face and stroking light with her fingertips along his heavyset jaw. "You took a bullet for my Mom today….." leaning down, careful to avoid weight against his chest, she kissed him softly, "… if you weren't stuck with be before….."

"I am now, huh?" he laughed, and though it tugged at his bruised chest he almost enjoyed the pain. Laughing again was worth it. She was worth it. "I dunno how I didn't see it you know, what an idiot. That face….." reaching up his drip free arm Calvin squished her soft cheeks in his hand and moulded them like putty, "… you're her girl alright."

"Yeah….." nodding slowly Eve swallowed, took a breath, and met his eyes, "…. but I'm your girl too."

"Hey do you know where my jacket is? The one I was wearing?" he asked suddenly, lifting his head from the pillows to look around agitatedly.

"Calvin…." she remonstrated, pushing him ever so lightly back down into the pillows and fixing him with a look that told him exactly what she expected, what she wanted from him, what she needed to hear.

"Bambi you know you're my girl….." he laughed unwearyingly, rolling his eyes and grabbing at her hand to kiss it, "…. don't get whiney."

"I am _not _whiney!"

"If you can persuade Livia and Detective Stabler that a deadbeat loser who just got shot by his rapist cousin and is about to get his sorry ass arrested then….."

"Rape?" said Eve point blank, "That's what you can't forgive Johnny for? _That's_ why it's my Mom's case? "Wait but why're yougonna get arrested?" she asked with sudden horror, really hearing the second part of his sentence for the first time. "What did _you_ do?"

"That jacket they must've taken off me?" he confessed with muttered reluctance, "It's got goodies in the pockets."

* * *

"Captain we have a problem….."

"Just what I wanted to hear Detective Taylor….." sighed Olivia wearily, her hand still in Elliot's as they sat outside Calvin's room, "….go on then? What do I need to know?"

"When they admitted our kid for the GSW….." hands in the pockets of her snug fitting blue jeans Georgia shifted her weight between feet, still nervous when dealing directly with the Captain she idolised, "… he was pretty much a walking pharmacy."

"**Damit **Calvin….." cursing under her breath Olivia rubbed at her forehead with weary despondence.

"What we talking? Prescription meds?" sliding forward in his chair Elliot prepared to step up. "I got a lot of friends in narcotics. Who's heading this up?"

"El we're gonna need a little more amo than you calling in a favour on this one….." came Fin's familiar voice as he joined the conversation, "…. Calvin had X, MDMA and enough Vicodin to stun a moose in that coat they took off him."

"Shit."

"But there's gotta be a way we can pin this on that scumbag Johnny….." said Fin with more confidence than he felt, "… I'm gonna go back to the 1-6 with G and work on it."

"Yeah, yeah we'll run it up down and sideways. If there's an out we'll find it Cap." Nodded Georgia positively.

"This is my fault…" dropping her head into her hands and hiding her face Olivia murmured grimly, "… this is all my fault."

"That ain't gonna help no one right now, doll….." cautioned Fin, moving to approach. "I'm gonna talk to Cabot as well, if anyone can weave a miracle it's her."

"I pushed him away. I sent him back to this. I had him. I had him right there and I let him go….." closing her eyes and shaking her head grimly Olivia murmured, "…. _again."_

"We'll figure something out Liv. We'll get him out of this."

"You guys go do what you can….." said Elliot, taking control of the situation when he knew Olivia was in no state to, and putting an arm around his wife's shoulders "…. I got her."

"Sure?" asked Fin, hesitantly.

"Yeah, yeah but we'll keep in touch? Any changes, updates?"

"Roger that….." nodded Fin, slapping a hand on the back of Georgia's brown leather jacket and leading her away down the corridor.

* * *

"You've aged Bambi…." sighed Calvin, this throat parched as he woke to find a familiar face at his bedside, "…. how long was I out?"

"Haha…." came the chuckle from Olivia as she reached to his table and lifted the plastic cup to him, arranging the straw so he could drink, "… you're funny."

"She looks like you."

"That what you call her?" setting the cup back down and smiling nervously Olivia swallowed, "Bambi?" He didn't say anything but she inferred an answer from the comfortable ease with which the moniker had slipped lovingly from his tongue. "Why? Because she's a scared, shaky little deer?"

"Because she's stronger than she knows….." replied Calvin without hesitancy, "… she just needs to find her feet."

"Huh….." damn it, thought Olivia, as Calvin reminded her of why despite his flaws he was so extraordinarily loveable and how she couldn't blame Eve for falling for him the way she had.

"You doin' okay?" clawing his way a little further up the bed so he could get a proper look at her Calvin watched her face light up with a wry smile.

"I don't know what the hell you thought you were doing today, kid…."

"Saving your sorry ass."

"Oh is that right?" she laughed, amazed at the ease with which they had reconnected.

"Doing your job for you _Captain _Benson."

"Stabler."

"Whatever…." he shrugged, indifferent to the new label knowing only the same woman behind it, "… you're still just Livia Benson to me."

"You saved my life today Calvin, but you shouldn't have. I'm the one who was supposed to be saving _you_, I was wearing a damn vest…." touching lightly at his bandaged torso without permission or coy Olivia sighed fondly, "…. only you didn't think like that did you?"

"I didn't _think _at all….." he confessed with a self-deprecating snicker, "…. s'usually how I get myself in trouble."

"Yeah well for all its worth coming from me ….." shaking her head slowly from side to side Olivia's eyes narrowed and settled on the young man for whom she felt profound gratitude and lasting affection, "… you're a good guy Calvin Arliss."

"Just not good enough to date your daughter."

"Cal….."

"Nah, nah it's okay. That wasn't really a question. I'm not stupid….." then, seeing little point in hiding anything from her at this point when the battle was already lost and won he confessed, "…. you know that jacket they took off me was worth like 20k."

"The jacket or its contents?" but she already knew the answer and they were both acutely aware of the fact.

"You gonna arrest me, detective?"

"Calvin…." she laughed, as once again he shattered the tension of their moment and made her powerless but to smile.

"Mr Arliss?" knocking lightly on the door the nurse flashed a bright smile, believing herself to be the bearer of good tidings. "So sorry to interrupt your visit but we just thought you'd want to know right away that your brother is out of surgery. The bullets didn't hit any main arteries and he should make a full recovery."

"Great, thanks….." forcing a smile for the nurse and then losing it the moment his eyes settled on Olivia he sighed, "… that's great news."

"Calvin he's your cousin, he's your family….." said Olivia quickly, recognizing all too well that swirling darkness, that transferred culpability, that twisting conflict in Calvin's eyes, "…. you don't have to feel guilty for being glad he's alive."

"Livia he raped that girl. I know it, you know it, he's fucking proud of it. How do you ever come back from that? How do you be anything but ashamed to be part of that blood?"

"Oh sweetheart….." it took her breath away how well she knew his pain.

"I wish it'd have hit his heart."

"Calvin you and Johnny, you're not the same. You're not a saint and I don't condone the stealing and the guns and the drugs and whatever else you're into but there is a difference between someone who does bad things and someone who is just bad."

"You reckon?" he asked wretchedly.

"My daughter is a beautiful, bright, funny, wicked smart…" flashing a wry smile Olivia arched a brow, "….cheerleader."

"I dig the pompoms….." healing a little Calvin smiled, recalling more the flash of Evie's tan legs in her skirt than the shaking of her pompoms.

"Evie could have any boy in school. She had her pick of football heroes and 4.0 GPAs headed for Harvard but she picked _you_ Calvin. So make a choice. Choose to prove to the rest of the world what we already know….." with a teary choke and an encouraging nod Olivia reached for his hand and squeezed it hard, "… you are _not _like him. You are better than your raising. You can be who you are _despite_ where you came from."

"You believe that?"

"I do."

"You'd really late me date her?" he dared, it feeling as though the impossible was now strangely within his grasp.

"Calvin I gotta tell you that the idea of this scares the hell out of me. She's my little girl. She is her Daddy's whole world, and let me tell you Elliot hasn't mellowed with age. If you hurt here I'm not so sure I could stop him from making that GSW you've got there feel like a paper cut."

"I wanna do better."

"So do better, be better….." squeezing his wrist and looking down at him with a wilful, loving intensity "…..**be **good enough for her."

* * *

"I can't move in with you Mel."

"Oh for crying out loud!" cried Melinda Warner, imploding at the coffee machine as she stood with Fin in the corner of the squad room. "It's like Groundhog Day with you Odafin!"

"Nah, nah let me….."

"I thought we were doing this? I thought _finally _you and I were going to start at least pretending to be adults. I honestly thought that after all these years we were going to give this relationship a chance to find its feet."

"We are."

"Just not under the same roof?" she challenged sharply. "We're both a little old for sleepovers, don't you think?"

"Mel I love you. I'm in love with you. I wanna wake up with you every morning and go to bed next to you every night. I would _kill_ to live in the swanky apartment of yours."

"So…."

"I made Liv a promise."

"That you wouldn't move in with me?" asked Melinda, confused. She was incredible understanding of, and lenient with, the intensely binding relationship he had with his best friend but this seemed like rather an overstep on Olivia's part.

"That'd I'd move in with Calvin Arliss…" confessed Fin, twisting his face wincingly, nervous of her reaction.

"What?" expelling the word Melinda shook her curls baffled.

"Well, that I'd let him move in with me. The kid needs a break, Mel. He's so far in he ain't ever gonna get out unless we help him. Liv is _desperate _to get him straightened out but she can't take him on alone. Baby girl is head over kitten heels about that hot mess of a boy and I think we're all agreed that their little romance is a train wreck waiting to happen."

"The belle and the bad boy….." smiled Melinda warmly, "… it's the oldest story there is."

"We gotta get him away from Johnny and that life before it swallows him whole. If we don't give him a way out he'll be in Rickers before he turns 21. I've seen it happen too many times and this isn't just any kid. It's Calvin. It's Liv's little boy lost."

"So you're gonna let him have Ken's old room?" nodded Melinda, processing the information she was being given and finding it decidedly more palatable than she had first thought.

"If someone hadn't thrown me a rope at his age….." just when she thought she knew Odafin Tutuola, a whole new chapter in his history opened up for her to read, "…. I just gotta do this. Not just for Liv but….."

"You're a good man Odafin….." smiled Melinda, tossing her plastic coffee stirrer into the trash and leaning in to kiss him lightly, "….you are a good man."

"So we're okay? We're good?" subtly reaching down and finding her hand he wrapped it in his, keeping the gesture unseen by the prying squad room eyes. "I still want this to work. That hasn't changed."

"Do you need help setting things up for him?" saying all he needed to hear, and reassuring him of her commitment to their strengthening relationship Melinda smiled devotedly. "I'm sure we could enlist Rachel and Georgia to help us fumigate your hovel."

"He's a nineteen year old dude living in his truck…" laughed Fin gruffly, "… my place is gonna feel like the freakin' Four Seasons compared."


	13. Wrecking Ball Swings At A Glacial Pace

"You know I was thinking it's been a while since the three of us all hung out. Maybe we could make it a family thing?"

"Oh right, sure, like no pressure or anything….." scoffed Eve, reaching over the kitchen counter to retrieve her cell phone as Elliot scooped a pat of butter into the frying pan.

"Mouse don't be like that you know that isn't what this college trip is. Your Mom and I know you're heart set on Brown but it's no good closing down all your options. You gotta check out a bunch of schools just to make sure."

"But do I have to do it with my whole family riding shot gun?" damn she was prickly this morning thought Elliot, now rather wishing he had not begun this conversation with his daughter. While Sam sat quietly fiddling with an old clock radio in an attempt to revive it Eve was brooding into her morning coffee and oozing teenage angst from every pore.

"No, no of course you don't." With level calm Elliot reached for the pancake batter Olivia had mixed up before jumping in the shower and poured a generous measure into the hot skillet, "If you don't want your brother and me along for the ride then we won't come. I just thought we could all use a trip out the city that's all."

"I don't care if you come or not."

"Way to be a cranky bitch Evie."

"Sam don't talk to her like that….." though he was empathetic of his son's general sentiment it didn't excuse his mode of expressing it.

"Evie did you have at my razor again?" came an irate groan as Olivia materialized in the kitchen doorway wearing only a towel and a scowl.

"No."

"What have I told you about at least giving me the heads up when you take stuff?" ignoring her daughter's denial and moving straight toward an immediate resolution to her problem Olivia rolled her eyes and looked to Elliot. "Babe can I borrow?"

"Mom I swear I didn't use your stupid razor!"

"Evie!" exclaimed Olivia, recoiling her neck with surprise at Eve's strange and sudden bile. "What the hell was that?"

"I didn't move it! You always assume it's my fault! Did you even _look_ for it before storming down here and…."

"I didn't storm…" clamping her towel under her arm and giving Elliot cause for an eyebrow raise and Sam cause to look away in the process Olivia held out a firm palm, "….okay, look, you know what I'm not doing this. El can you help me out?"

"Sock drawer."

"You keep your spare razors in your sock drawer?" came a curious frown from Olivia as Elliot tossed his pancake.

"I only have the one damn draw Liv. It's got socks, razors, receipts, state secrets you name it in there….." mumbling with a fond smile Elliot chuckled to himself, "… you wanna clear me a little more closet space and I'll gladly rearrange my…."

"Thank you for your assistance."

"My pleasure."

"Mom can I go to Dylan's house later? He said I can stay over tonight." asked Sam, having made himself entirely oblivious to the rest of the conversation. "He lives in Jersey so I'll need a ride, will you take me?"

"Did you ask your father?" halfway out the door Olivia turned back incredulous.

"Nope."

"Okay _seriously _guys!" came a mother's muted cry of despair. "I am going out in an hour to collect Calvin from the hospital and help him move his stuff over to Fin's. I'll be gone all afternoon."

"It takes that long to relocate a bag of snow and a 9mm?"

"Sam!" cried Olivia, horrified.

"You're a dick Sammy!" hissed Eve with a hateful glare at her brother.

"Mouse! Language!" berated Elliot, throwing a pancake in Sam's direction.

"ENOUGH!" yelled Olivia, pulling her hand to a fist and squeezing her eyes shut with frustration. Then throwing them open again she pinned every single one of them to the wall with a warning glare and declared, "I am sick of the lot of you!"

"Mom….."

"Sam if your Dad can take you to Dylan's then yes, yes you can go stay there tonight. Only I want you to have Michelle call my cell to make sure you're you boys aren't sneaking around on us."

"Oh sure, sure you don't trust me but when Golden Girl here is…."

"Don't Sammy….." begged Eve, suddenly contrite.

"Michelle calls my cell, your Dad drives you to Jersey. Job done."

"Yes Mom."

"Evie I don't know what side of bed you got out of this morning but how about we try the other side from now on? Mi casa es su casa, baby girl, but I don't have time to get all soaped up and then not have a damn razor to shave my legs with. Just a head up when you take something, that's all I ask."

"Okay, sorry Momma."

"Elliot?"

"Yes Captain?" tossing a pancake onto Eve's plate a husband stood to attention.

"Will you deal with this please?" gesturing a wave in the children's' general direction Olivia sighed exasperatedly, "These two are half your problem."

"Roger that."

"Oh and Sam?" taking one final stand before she returned to her waiting shower Olivia met her son's eyes and Sam felt all the air suck from the room. "I raised you better than to talk about someone the way you just did about Calvin. He might have gotten in over his head but he's man enough to own those mistakes. How about you promise not to be so damn flippant about how lucky you are?"

"I….." gulped Sam, nodding slowly as Eve looked on in awe, "… yes, of course. I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry….." nodded Olivia, forgivingly, "… just do better."

"Yes m'am."

"Well alright then….." smiling warmly Olivia let him know they were squared away before making her exit, "…. just remember, I want that call from Michelle!"

"You not eating your pancake Mouse?" asked Elliot, when the dust had settled and the three of them were alone once more.

"No, no thanks but I'm not hungry….." managing a level smile Evie slid down from the table, the sickly smell and abundance of butter making her quite nauseous.

* * *

"How old are you in this one?"

"Will you just stop….." protested Calvin, leaning out of his sick bed and tugging at the hem of her cheer skirt, "… come sit with me."

"I'm almost done….." shaking him off Eve continued to rummage through the single holdall Fin had retrieved from Johnny's place on Calvin's behalf, "… is this really all your stuff? Like everything you have?"

"Yup."

"Can I put your photos by your bed?" asked Eve, folding the last of his meagre three t-shirts into a spare draw and wandering over to him with a handful of pictures clutched against her chest. "Maybe just these ones in frames and then…" plopping down beside him she pondered a moment before asking, "…. also, these are all pink and sparkly. What's with that?"

"I like pink and sparkly….." even just hearing him say the words out loud made her giggle, and seeing his adorable expression as he attempted to keep a straight face melted her straight into his waiting arms.

"Am I squashing you?" she asked, as he dragged her in tight against his bandaged torso. "Does it hurt?"

"Shush…" he murmured, grabbing her face and dragging it toward him for a loving kiss.

"I'm serious!" she cried emphatically, her hands touching lightly at his waist and ribs with a gentle nervousness.

"Bambi you couldn't squash a bird….." let alone a tearing hunk of muscle who physically dwarfed her in length and breadth he thought with a smile, rolling her around until she was spooned into him and he could fold his arms around her shoulders like an envelope closing, ".. get in here."

"She's really pretty."

"You're really pretty."

"She's your mom, isn't she?" swallowing the end of her question, feeling his heart beating against her back Eve waited patiently and gave him the quiet space to respond.

"Ummhmm….." he nodded reluctantly, resting his chin on her shoulder and looking down at the collection of photographs in her hands. There he was at eighteen months old running through the sprinklers with Vivian in his grandparents' Vermont yard. A few years later in a pirate costume for Halloween as Johnny and his friends pulled faces either side of him.

"How old are you in this picture, baby?" whispered Eve, reaching behind her and touching his face softly. Returning to the final photograph, one that wasn't framed, she felt herself holding her breath.

"I dunno…" he lied, attempting to confiscate the pictures from her.

"Cal….." looking over her shoulder so she could meet his gaze, knowing he couldn't refuse her when she forced his eyes Eve murmured softly, "….please?"

"Five."

"Five years old….." she nodded slowly, twisting her face and kissing at his arm as it held her before returning her eyes to the most tragic photograph she had ever seen, "….that's sick."

"That's life Bambi."

"Why'd you keep it?" whispered Eve hoarsely, unable to steal her eyes away from the image of an innocent, cherubic faced Calvin blowing out his birthday candle while his mother snorted white lines in the background.

"Dunno."

"Okay."

"She's still my mom."

"Yeah….." feeling she had no right to cry but unable to stop the hot tears suddenly welling gin her eyes Eve hid them from him, keeping her face forward as he slowly opened up to her.

"It's not her fault."

"Because she's an addict?" ventured Eve, tentatively.

"It's complicated."

"Do you still see her? Talk to her?"

"She hated pink and she's the least fucking sparkly person I know. I got her those frames for Christmas one year so she pretended she loved them. Johnny? He's fucking bad to the bone but she's just….." glad that he was behind her, glad that though she could hear the break in his voice she couldn't see the mist in his green blue eyes Calvin choked, "… she's just not strong enough."

"But…." knowing there were no words that would help Eve simply hugged his arms a little tighter around her and fell silent.

"That was the best birthday I ever had. She stayed up all night making that cake three times over to get it right. We spent all day in the park and then she threw me the Spiderman party I begged for. See how awesome my costume is? She made that."

"Cal what I _see_ is your mother doing coke from a Twister box and getting wasted on your fifth birthday party."

"I know you do."

"I…."

"This might come as a shock to you, baby, but Livia?" laughing with some strange, heady mix of joy and pain, envy and pride, love and disappointment Calvin kissed at Eve's cheek and murmured, "You won the fucking Mom lottery, Bambi."

"Hey, hey, hey, I thought we had an open door, hands off policy guys….." shooting the teenagers a don't mess with me glare as he wandered past Ken's old bedroom Fin meant business, "….paws off the little lady, Romeo."

"The door _is _open that's how you're snooping on us Uncle Fin…." rising to their defence Eve flashed her uncle a butter wouldn't melt smile, "… and he's stuck in bed sick so I'm just sitting with him."

"I didn't agree to let you stay here so you could use my apartment as a nookie nest Calvin."

"Got it."

"No one says nookie Fin, you're so embarrassing….." protested Eve, tying her hair in an elastic and clambering off the bed with a roll of her eyes.

"It's my job to be embarrassing. Your boy here might have gotten himself shot being a hero but you are _still_ sixteen and you are _still_ my baby girl. So get your little butt home to your Momma and the next time you come around….." and there would be a next time, and a time after that, he accepted with a wry smile of acceptance, "…. young Calvin here will be off of bed rest and the two of you can sit with me in the living room."

"Fin!"

"Got something to say there Evie G?" as Eve threw eyes at Calvin and offered him a demure little wave goodbye she shook her head dutifully at Fin, "Nah, nah didn't think so."

* * *

"You put yourself between Liv and danger and that ain't something I'll ever forget."

"Anyone would've done the same…." came the gruff, dismissive reply from Calvin as they sat taking some air together on the front steps of Fin's apartment.

"Nah, nah that ain't true."

"Hmm…." leaning forward, elbows braced against his knees with his hair in his face the troubled teenager said nothing more.

"Thought about it maybe, wanted to, but right there in that moment knowing chances are it's the last choice you'll ever make? You got stones, kid."

"Yeah, well."

"You got stones…." turning his head Calvin met Fin's eyes as he added, "…. and you got heart and they're two things you either got or you don't."

"I guess so."

"I know so….." reaching to his side Fin popped the top of a two beers and handed the second to Calvin, "….and everything else we can work on."

"You know I'm nineteen, right?" asked Calvin, sensing this might be the first test of his reformed character.

"You wanna remind me of that or you wanna shut up and toast to not being the asshole everyone thinks you are?"

"Nice….." smirked Calvin, appreciating how he could take Fin at face value. He didn't remember him from before like he remembered Elliot. Perhaps they hadn't interacted much, perhaps he'd just seen too many faces come and go to remember them all.

"You answer me something? Straight up no shitting?" said Fin after a few moments of quiet beer sipping.

"Sure…." came the willing shrug from a boy who was nothing if not an open book with regards his transgressions.

"How'd you get into this mess, kid?" asked Fin, watching at how his question caught Calvin off guard. He had been expecting an interrogation, a cop digging for information about Johnny or the drug possession charges he was facing. Calvin had been entirely prepared to answer any question Fin could have asked about his actions, but not what lay behind them.

"You mean the drugs?" offered Calvin, hoping to satisfy the older man's curiosity with a sidestep.

"Nah, nah I know how that works. You get desperate enough you'd sell anything to anyone. It's a miracle I still got both kidneys."

"Yeah?" smirked Cal with a rush of warmth in his veins. With Olivia, with Elliot, with Eve he felt such shame. Such deep shame at his words and thoughts and deeds but with Fin it was different. He could level with him; he could look him in the eye and know he was understood. Where the others could look upon him with affection and pity, Fin could get down in the gutter with him and truly empathise.

"Last we knew you were in Vermont with your grandparents. They seemed like good people. You were getting three square meals, going to school, where'd it all go wrong? How'd you wind up with Johnny? Liv said they kicked you out but…."

"It wasn't their fault."

"No?"

"Not really. I wasn't….." reluctantly trusting the kind eyed man who had taken him in Calvin sighed with a self-awareness that brought Fin profound reassurance of his strength of character, "… the easiest kid."

"You gave them a hard time, huh?" smiled Fin with a nod.

"School was never really my thing. I didn't fit there. They were all country clubs and car-pooling and PTA fundraisers. I tried for a while but I didn't like them and they didn't like me and the older I got the less I gave a crap. My grandparents were ashamed of me and I somehow figured I'd just prove them right."

"You somehow figured that was a smart idea?" muttered Fin with an upward roll of his eyes. "Was it all bad?"

"It got better."

"Yeah?"

"Twinset and pearls next door couldn't have kids of her own so they adopted this kid from the South. She was the meanest little thing I'd ever met. I asked for my baseball back and she told me finders-keepers. I crawled under the fence and tried to take back what was mine and she gave me my first black eye…" shrugging his shoulders and smiling with a wide, deeply loving smile Calvin sighed, "… and the first friend I ever had."

"So how did…."

"She started school in the fall and we were pretty much joined at the hip. She was two grades behind but she wasn't anywhere close to dumb. She'd just moved around a lot and gotten behind. She was wicked smart. Every bit of trouble we got into was her genius idea….." the way he spoke about this girl made the hairs at the back of Fin's neck stand on end, "… and I just followed like a fucking puppy dog."

"This trouble the two of you got into?" asked Fin, sensing they were coming close to the chapter in which Calvin parted ways with his grandparents.

"We were just bored mostly. We stole stupid shit just because we could. Skipped school, borrowed cars, got faded under the bleachers. My grandparents _are _good people but I'm just Vivian's stupid mistake. They were fucking cold. It was like living in a library and then one day they just turned around and said it wasn't working out. I was _just like my mother _and they couldn't fix me."

"Fix you?" smarted Fin, that statement alone giving him a good approximation of the environment in which Calvin had spent his formative years. "How old were you?"

"Nine….." replied Cal slowly, "… maybe ten I'm not sure. Anyways I went to live with my Mom for a while and that was pretty great."

"Yeah?" taking a sip from his beer Fin was surprised at the notion. "Vivian back on her feet by that point?"

"Nah, nah she was high as a fucking kite but she was brilliant. They were all dead inside but she was alive….." his whole face lighting up when he spoke of his mother Calvin smiled, "…. she's the most alive person I know."

"Cal, buddy….."

"We used to spend whole afternoons just driving and driving and never going anywhere. Mom would crank the radio as loud as it'd go and throw the sunroof open. She'd sing like Bonnie Tyler on crack and Texas and I would stand on the backseat with our heads out in the wind getting blown to shit. That was fucking freedom, man."

"Texas?" asked Fin, but he didn't really need to. The girl next door had clearly become considerably more than that to Calvin. "That was her name, huh?"

"At the end of the summer Mom OD'd and they took me off her. I went into the system and I didn't see either of them again for a long time. Johnny had come by the house a few times when I'd be living with Mom so I knew he was in New York. I hitched my way here and that's about the end of the story."

"You know what happened to them?" asked Fin, sensing that the story was far from over despite Calvin's desire to end their conversation. "You know where they are now?"

"The Bronx."

"They're here in the city?" stunned, visibly so, and feeling the beer trickling down his throat Fin stared blankly. "You still see your Mom?"

"Texas went back to school and qualified as a nurse….." said Calvin nonchalantly, as though he wasn't blowing Fin's mind with the casual revelation, "… she lives with my Mom in Morrisania."

* * *

"We haven't done this in so long."

"Too long."

"Do you even remember how it started?" asked Eve, her head falling to the side and watching her mother's portrait as she stared up at the clouds. Lying side by side on the picnic rug, shades on and palms upturned to the bright blue spring sky the two women just talked and talked. "I really don't. I remember Sammy being a baby and just _hating_ that you let him join us once."

"I should have known better…." smiled Olivia with a soft and almost apologetic reply, "… this is our thing."

"Yeah."

"You don't stand a chance of remembering the first time we did this, baby girl….." but she did, so vividly it made her heart ache, "…..you weren't even born. I just had to tell you what shapes I could see."

"You did this when you were pregnant with me?" it was strangely impossible to imagine her mother as anything other than the woman she'd always known. Hard as she might try Eve couldn't begin to picture the Olivia Benson who had lived alone in a tiny apartment in Manhattan. "What was it like?"

"What?" asked Olivia dozily, "Cloud gazing on my own in Central Park like a crazy woman?"

"Being pregnant….." and then, to round off the starkly blunt question Eve added with a steady smile, "… with me."

"Honestly?" turning to look at her daughter Olivia had made it a policy to never be anything but and so answered, "Terrifying."

"Yeah?"

"Being a mom was _everything _to me, don't get me wrong. I'd been wanting and waiting to be a mother for the longest time, but nothing could've prepared me for how completely overwhelmed I felt when it was actually happening."

"Mom can I ask you something?" as much as she loved Eve being comfortable enough to come to her with any question she wanted answering, there was always a moment of dread when Olivia heard those words.

"Of course you can, baby. You know that."

"People always say how teenagers are too young to know what love is but I don't think that's true. Do you? How old were you when you first fell in love?"

"Oh gosh….." murmured Olivia, closing her eyes behind her shades and reaching for Eve's hand as she prepared to go down the rabbit hole, "… that is a _big _question Evie G."

"Not really it isn't…." dared Eve boldly, turning on her side and propping her head up against her bent arm and elbow, "… at least I don't think so."

"Evie you have no idea how…."

"What?"

"I was sixteen." Said Olivia quietly, honestly, meeting her daughter's eyes and trusting she was old enough to hear what she had to say. "I was sixteen years old and he was the love of my life."

"I thought Dad was the love of your life?" shocked and defensive Eve frowned.

"He is, baby."

"So…."

"That's just it. You think you're so sure, so certain, everything single thing you feel at sixteen is stronger and deeper than you've ever known. Than you think you'll ever know again. You're still figuring out who you are and what you want and when someone comes along and you fall in love with them it's the most important thing in the world. It's the biggest thing that's ever happened to you."

"Who was he?" asked bottomless, enquiring blue eyes staring across at her so full of curiosity and expectation.

"He was older than me. He was sophisticated and exciting and he made me feel like a woman when everyone else around me treated me like a little girl."

"Did you….." swallowing slowly Eve chewed on her lip and asked hesitatingly, "… you know, do it, with him?"

"Yes….." whispered Olivia, remembering all too well the enigmatic grey eyes of the college student who had won her high school heart, "… yeah I did."

"What happened?" sometimes even when her mother was being honest with her Eve felt like Olivia was holding back. As if there was so much more hiding between her smile lines. Like somewhere in those big, brown eyes she loved so dearly there was a whole world of intimacies and heartache and darkness that she wasn't party to. Not yet at least.

"I grew up, sweet girl. That's what happened. I figured out that he might have been a great guy, he might have been my first love but he wasn't going to be my last. For a while he was my whole life and everything in it. I thought about him every single minute of every single day and I hated my mother for trying to tell me that I wasn't going to feel that way forever."

"Your mom didn't approve, huh?" asked Eve, her little laugh shattering the tension briefly.

"No, no she….." breath stolen for a moment Olivia closed her eyes, seeing Serena's red nails wrapped around the neck of the vodka. Her blood ran cold as she saw the bottle hit the countertop, heard it shatter as the clear liquid splashed, saw the whites of her mother's eyes as she tore across the room toward her: blind drunk and furious.

"Mom?" when she reached out to touch Olivia's arm Eve could feel her mother's whole body trembling under her fingertips.

"I love you Evie Grace. I am proud of you, you are my sweet, sweet girl and I love you….." though not entirely sure what was going on Eve willingly slid into Olivia's coaxing arms and returned her hug as Olivia murmured raspingly, "… and there is **nothing **you could ever do to change that."


	14. I Have Every Faith In Me And You

"Why'd you stop?"

"Stop what?" asked Calvin dozily, his arm dead under the weight of Eve but he had no intention of making her move. They had at least another hour before Fin was due home and he wasn't about to waste a second of it.

"The circles."

"What circles?" she had initially thought he was playing a game, teasing her by pretending not to know. Now she realised that he must have been entirely unaware that for the past half hour, as they'd lain together in the lazy afternoon sunlight he had been tracing stroking circles across her flat stomach with his finger.

"These circles….." her voice was soft and her blue eyes full and loving as she gazed up at him, reaching for his hand and drawing it back to the toned skin of her light tan belly, "…. it's nice."

"Like that?" he murmured, snuggling her closer into the nook of his arm and attempting to replicate whatever it was he had been unconsciously doing previously. "So Fin ways saying how they talked to the blonde one with glasses."

"Auntie Alex?"

"Jeez…." smiling amusingly Calvin was reminded, as if he needed it, that their worlds were now strangely juxtaposed, "… yeah, yeah I guess so. She reckons after what happened at Johnny's place…."

"You mean when you took a bullet for the Captain of the SVU?" beamed Eve proudly.

"That and me testifying against him might be enough for them to cut me a deal and drop the charges for the junk in my coat."

"And the bodega?" she had been listening in to conversations she wasn't supposed to, he realised uncomfortably. "That's armed robbery, right? That's a felony crime, you could get like twenty years in….."

"I just drove the car….." said Calvin after a short pause, "… which no, before you ask, I'm not proud of."

"I wasn't going to ask."

"J gave me a nine, but I didn't take it. He was pissed as all hell but there wasn't anything he could do about it once we were there. We only had a two hour window. He went in with the other guys and was their eyes."

"So you didn't….." lowering her eyes nervously, lest he not give her the answer she hoped he would Eve swallowed, "… you didn't shoot at that Puerto Rican girl? You weren't even there when they did?"

"Bambi are you really asking me that?" she had every right to and he had no right at all to be righteously indignant. He knew that, but still somehow he couldn't hold her half naked and trembling in his arms and even suspect she believed him capable of such a thing. "Do you really think I'd….."

"Cal I….." shaking her head slowly, locking his eyes and holding them tight she whispered with sultry conviction, "….I wouldn't be in your bed if I did."

"I'm gonna get straightened out."

"Yeah?" she asked, not because she doubted he could but because it had to be all his idea. The commitment and the drive had to come from his wanting to change not her nagging him to.

"See I got this new reason to…" he smiled, kissing her lightly and then holding his lips against hers.

"Is that me?" grinning she wiggled her eyebrows playfully, "Am I the reason?"

"You know you are. Fin's gonna let me stay here, like, you know, for a while. Not just till I got the bandages off like I thought. So now I got an address….." it was these little moments, in which he said the simplest thing, described something she took entirely for granted, and made it seem like a small miracle that she loved him the most, "…. I can register for classes."

"Which classes?" she asked, very much in approval of the idea.

"Nuclear physics."

"Calvin…."

"I pretty much just wanna be a brain surgeon or an astronaut so…."

"You're an idiot!" she groaned, smacking his shoulder lightly and rolling her eyes.

"No, no I'm not….." came the slow, determined delivery from Calvin who smiled coyly and shrugged, "…and I wanna get my GED to prove it."

"You're really gonna go back to school?"

"I'm not gonna be sitting next to you in freakin' homeroom if that's what you're thinking. I gotta get a job. I don't wanna freeload. I gotta get rent for Fin. I'll find night classes."

"Fin won't charge you rent if…"

"Yeah, yeah he will."

"Cal…."

"I don't take fucking charity Eve…" said Calvin sharply, shutting down her protest with a resolute glare, "… I'm not a total loser."

"I never said that, I would never think that…." she soothed, stroking at his face and chest and smiling ruefully, "… sorry."

"Whatever."

"Cal…." she murmured, looking up at him with a wheedling smile and flirtatious bat of her lashes wearing only her in her cheer skirt and pink lace bra, "… don't be like that."

"Like what…." unable to resist a smile he sank down over her, losing his edge and devouring her with kisses and wandering hands.

"Only to second…." she gasped, wriggling in his arms and finding his eyes, "…. is that okay?"

"Course it's okay….." pulling a face Calvin's expression told her she knew better than to ask him that, and even though he suspected it was a girl thing he still sensed there was something she wasn't telling him"…. everything okay? I mean…."

"Yeah, yeah it is now but it almost wasn't and that is five days of hell I am _not _going through every month."

"You mean you thought….." she had never seen his light tan skin so pale and if she hadn't felt that same mortification until the previous evening she would've mocked him, "…. shit Bambi."

"We're okay! We're good! I'm not….." she rushed, kissing at his face and laughing nervously, "…. but we are so not having sex again until I'm on birth control."

"If you don't wanna do that then we could just, you know, not. I mean you're still a baby so we could just wait or….."

"Baby? Seriously?" shrugging him from around her shoulders and sitting bolt upright with a face like thunder Eve narrowed her eyes in fury.

"I didn't mean….."

"I'm not a baby, Cal. I'm not. I think the fact that for the best part of this past week I thought I was _having _a baby makes that pretty clear. I might only be sixteen but I'm not a kid and I might have been an idiot putting my entire future in the hands of a tiny latex balloon but not anymore and….."

"Bambi?"

"What?"

"If I do that circle thing on your belly some more will you shut up?"

"You make me sound like a cat….." she pouted, throwing her eyes over her shoulder at him and turning the corner of her mouth to a simper.

"Get back here….." grabbing at her arm and dragging her back down beside him Calvin kissed her warmly, leaning up against his elbow and looking down on her as she lay back on the pillow, "… hey, so here's the thing..."

"What?"

"I'd have done right by you Evie."

"Cal…."

"No, no don't give me those eyes: I'm just saying. It's done, you're not, and I don't wanna make a Lifetime movie out of it but…."

"I have cheer practice tomorrow afternoon….." she said, as though it made perfect sense as a response, and strangely to him it did, "…. you wanna come watch?"

"Like me come to your school? Around, you know, actual real people?" he teased lightly, but his reservation was partially sincere.

"Why wouldn't my boyfriend come watch me cheer?" she smiled, a little nervous as she made as bigger commitment as there was in high school, "You can meet my friends. You can meet Sarah."

"Not _the _Sarah?" he smiled, having heard all too much about the redhead Eve had been best friends with since their days in the sandbox together.

"Shut up."

"Can I shake your pompoms?"

"You wanna come or not asshole?" snarky when her patience began to wear thin Eve shot him a challenging eyebrow.

"Yeah, yeah I'll be there."

* * *

"You think it's a credible lead?"

"You are so annoying."

"I mean I'm not sure Cap I just think….."

"I am going to count to three."

"And then what?" smirked Elliot, leaning over Olivia just that little too far and a little too close. "Put me on the naughty step?"

"Did I ever tell you what a relief it is to no longer have you in my precinct Detective Stabler?" said Olivia, lifting her head from her paperwork and giving her frustrating and yet irritatingly endearing husband her full attention. "I'm really not sure how I ever got anything done those first few years."

"From what I remember we took care of _a lot_ of business when this place first reopened….." hopping up onto the desk beside her Elliot grinned, "… christening that shiny new crib is still one of my favourite….."

"Elliot!" she hissed, her eyes darting around the room as though the walls might have ears.

"Oh yeah, yeah that's right you go ahead and pretend that you weren't tripping on the power rush of _banging_ one of your detectives to rights in…."

"Stop!"

"Back then it was animal kingdom….." he smirked wickedly, before softening to a simple pride, "… now it's your empire Captain Benson."

"Stabler."

"Nah….." shrugged Elliot, a twinkle in his eyes as he looked down at her and smiled, "… not when it's just me and you. I can't put my name to what you've done here."

"How'd you do that?" she marvelled with a gasping sigh. "Make me want to castrate you one minute and the next…."

"Shall I lock the door?" wiggling his eyebrows up and down suggestively Elliot laughed.

"You know I was sat here this afternoon thinking what would he have to say about all this?"

"Cragen?" who else, sighed Elliot sadly, when so often his wife's thoughts turned to her late mentor.

"What I wouldn't give to get him alone in a room with Calvin for just a half hour. He'd know what to say. He'd know _exactly _what that kid needs to hear….." sinking back in her chair and rubbing her forehead tiredly Olivia murmured, "…. he'd know exactly what I need to hear."

"You know I was thinking how Eli's in town this weekend while you and Mouse are gone. He's coming over to watch the game Saturday with Sammy and me. Might be something Fin and Calvin would buy into?"

"You'd really invite him to our house?"

"I mean Fin's kind of an ass sometimes but…."

"El…." she half smiled, half sighed.

"Look I'm not promising anything. I don't like the idea of that boy dating our girl and I can't see that changing anytime soon but if you think he's a good kid. If _you_ trust him…." as much as she still missed Cragen dearly she had, once more, underestimated her husband's ability to anticipate just what she needed to hear, "… you've got the best gut I've ever know."

"I..."

"You've also got the best rack I've ever….." as he grabbed at her she fought him off, for a few seconds at least, before kissing him with a tender gratitude and smiling.

"Just do me a favour and tell Evie you trust _her_ okay?"

"I do trust her."

"Say it, out loud; you have no idea how much weight your faith in her carries with your girl."

"Liv I know I've mellowed in my old age…."

"Say what now?" she scoffed, patting his chest with an adoring but deeply amused dismissal of the notion.

"I've raised enough girls at this point to know that a Dad's role is to be pretty much hated by all parties and to ruin their young lives. Maureen was the saint. Katie was under medicated, God love her. Lizzie was too lost in her books and Bible to care about boys. But Evie?"

"Evie Grace…." nodded Olivia, knowing just exactly what he meant and then some.

"We talk about how she's got your looks and your brains and your fire but…."

"She's got your mischief?" smiled his wife rolling her eyes. "Oh trust me I know. Those baby blues and uncanny ability to charm her way into and out of just about anything? I wholeheartedly blame you."

"We got this, right?" he tested, as she reached for his hand and held it reassuringly. "I mean there is a massive part of me that wants to lock Mouse up in an ivory tower somewhere and forbid her to ever see Calvin again. Or really any boy come to that."

"Yeah because historically that plan has worked so well."

"I don't want us to lose grip of the reins on this one Liv. If we can't stop her seeing him then I at least want to make damn sure she doesn't get hurt."

"They are two teenagers and that girl is head over heels in love. I don't think there are any parents on earth who prevent that ending in heartache at some point or other. Didn't your first love break your heart?"

"No, no, I waited twenty years and then broke hers."

"Look, babe, relax. My girl and I have powered through breastfeeding, potty training, first period, first kiss and first sex and survived: we got this."

"Okay."

"Elliot this is every bit as hard for me as it is for you. She is our daughter, she is our little girl and I'm terrified too. But the way Calvin put himself between me and Johnny's gun? That kind of response time? That kind of reactive, defensive move? It's beyond some career cops let alone a nineteen year old boy. His life is a mess but his heart is good."

"I guess he has every reason in the world to never trust another human being again….." smiled Elliot sadly, thoughtfully, not afraid to acknowledge Olivia's own history with Calvin, "… so if he can do it, I figure I can. We'll start with a ball game."

"Thank you, sweetheart….." rising from her chair and kissing him tenderly Olivia smiled, "… on behalf of me _and_ your Mouse."

* * *

"You all packed?"

"We're only gonna be gone one night, how much stuff do I need?" laughed Eve, wandering into the kitchen where Elliot was massaging Olivia's shoulders as they filled in Sudoku squares together.

"I saved you some pancakes Mouse…." said Elliot, gesturing to the pile of leftover breakfast treats stacked by the stove, "….you want one heating through? We've got syrup and butter and…"

"Dad you're gross and you have _got _to stop treating pancakes like a normal person's breakfast."

"They _are _a normal person's breakfast…." came Elliot's quick reply as he folded a pancake in half and bit at one voraciously just to prove his point.

"You know you're not in the friendliest age bracket these days. Butter and syrup and all the trans fats you eat are the worst possible thing for your cholesterol and blood pressure and…."

"Sing it sister…." smirked Olivia, sinking her teeth into a piece of modestly buttered toast, "… you tell him."

"Are you two in this together? What? Is this some kind of health nut intervention?" muttered Elliot, like the grumpy old man he had once been so sure he would never become. "Well I'm not buying. Pancakes and butter aren't the devils handiwork and I need Sam here to balance out this situation."

"Babe don't forget Evie and I leave in an hour!" called Olivia as Elliot made his exit from the conversation, before anyone passed judgement on the two sugars in his coffee.

"Momma….."

"Uh-oh Evie G this doesn't sound good….." arching an eyebrow with a wry smile Olivia set down her toast and lifted her eyes from the Sudoku, "… what did you do? What do you want?"

"Hey!"

"Okay, okay I'm sorry…." rearranging her face and patting the empty stool beside her Olivia asked, "… what is it, sweet girl?"

"So here's the thing I don't really know how to dance around this one and you always said that I shouldn't be afraid to come to you about the big stuff. You said that I should trust we can talk about anything and you wouldn't judge me or get mad or…."

"I really promised all that, huh?" heart in her mouth at what little firework Evie Grace was about to let off now Olivia winced. "No, no I know I did and I meant every word. Have at it, baby. Hit me with your best shot."

"I mean you already know that Cal and I…. you know… do stuff…"

"Just keep going…" closing her eyes and then opening them Olivia fixed her daughter with a steady gaze and nodded slowly, "… like a band aid, baby, you've started now, we can do this…."

"I listen to everything you say about being young and not knowing what I want or who I am and I hear you, I do, it's just that's not how it is for me. I know that I'm gonna run for senior class president next year and I'm gonna be head cheerleader when Holly graduates…."

"You are?" beamed Olivia, forgetting herself for a moment.

"Did I not tell you? Oh well they had this vote and they said that…."

"Later, sweetie, we'll get to that…."

"I want college and Europe and all that stuff we've always talked about but I want Calvin too. I love him and I love ….." catching herself, wanting to spare her mother at least some of the agony she was clearly in Eve smiled, "… being with him."

"Oh Evie…."

"I wanna be smart, Mom. We're always safe, we used condoms and Calvin is _really _good about that but I don't want it to all be on him."

"Are you asking me if you can go on birth control?" said Olivia with a measured calm.

"Are you mad at me?" swallowed Eve in reply, for once unable to read her mother's expression.

"No, no Evie I….." sliding down from her stool and wrapping her arms around her little woman Olivia kissed Eve's cheek and whispered, "… no I am so far from mad at you, sweet girl."

"So….."

"I don't think I need to tell you that your Dad and I aren't wild about the idea of you two being together. You're so young for both the physical and emotional implications for a relationship like this. Calvin is in a whole world of trouble right now and you _know _I am on his side, you know I will do whatever I can to help him but that doesn't stop me worrying that you being with him is…."

"Mom I know what he's done. I know he's not perfect. I know he's messed up in the past but no one's perfect, right? I've heard enough stories to know that Dad was no saint when you…."

"Oh no, no don't you play that card on me Evie G!"

"But it's true though!" came the light protest as Eve's eyes looked up into her mother's eyes imploringly and smiled knowing at her Achilles heel, "Isn't it?"

"Your father never dealt drugs or wandered around Manhattan with an unregistered firearm and I wasn't sixteen when I met him."

"Calvin does better around me, you know that. He only went back to Johnny in the first place because he thought we broke up."

"He went back to Johnny's place because he had nowhere else to go."

"But now he does: Fin's apartment. I can help him get his life together and I know you probably think he's, like, a bad influence on me or whatever but he _isn't_ Mom. He's always the one telling me to study or not to skip class and he wants me to go to college and he wouldn't ever get in the way of that."

"As much as I hate to admit it Evie you are my daughter for better and worse and when you set your mind to something….." pinching at the bridge of her nose and remembering herself at sixteen Olivia exhaled slowly, "…. this is going to happen with or without my blessing isn't it?"

"I'd rather it was with….." came the open, honest shrug from Eve who waited patiently for Olivia to catch her breath.

"I make it a strict policy never to keep anything from your Dad but I'm fairly sure this would be a bigger threat to his health than butter pancakes so we're going to spare him the details. Okay? You're going to keep talking to me, we're going to keep this an open ended conversation and….." taking the lead, finding her centre, meeting Eve's eyes and speaking with a calm resolution Olivia agreed, "….and we'll make you an appointment when we get back from Brown."


	15. What's Mine Is Yours To Make Your Own

_**Didn't realise I'd freak you all out as much as Evie with that little red herring... happy to reassure you all! :) Thank you so much all of you for the continued R&R, it keeps me going and keeps me inspired! I really do try to take on board all your wants, wishes, comments etc. and they do feed into the story as it develops. Hope you continue to enjoy :) **_

_**p.s. Really want to do a fourth installment called 'Impregnating Evie' now that phrase has caught on so well ;)**_

* * *

"Come _on_ Mom we're gonna be late!"

"Evie I don't run like this chasing perps anymore so what makes you think…."

"You're can go faster I've seen it!" panted Eve, as she ran out in front of Olivia across the lush Brown campus. "Pretend you just heard about a one day sale at Macy's!"

"I'm going to choose to ignore that baseless indictment of my character."

"Oh you're as much of a sucker for a designer bag as the next woman, don't even pull that face at me Captain Self-Righteous."

"I _will_ arrest you….." warned Olivia with narrowed eyes, gasping to catch her breath as she fell into Eve from behind on arrival at the grand looking building in which their introductory talk was being heard.

"For what?" smirked Eve, as both of them shot darting eyes around the reception area to access the situation.

"Crimes against your poor longsuffering mother….." muttered Olivia, catching the eye of a t-shirt wearing undergraduate and flashing a smile, "…. excuse me? Are we in the right place for the prospective students open day?"

"Yes! Yes absolutely!" beamed a bespectacled, overtly jovial young man who came rushing across with a clipboard.

"Good, great….." nodded Olivia, unable to switch off her efficient, professional demeanour as she grabbed at Eve's shoulders and propelled her forward, "…. because I've brought you one."

"Hi."

"Can I take your name? Are you registered?"

"Yeah, yeah I signed up online. My name is Eve Stabler….." looking between the student and Olivia two wide blue eyes set their first sights on independence and it was every bit as terrifying as it was exciting, "…. I'm not late am I?"

"Not at all….." handing over name sticker and a booklet of brochures the perky welcome guide gestured to a set of double doors a few meters away, "… prospective freshman are treated to an inspiring introductory lecture right through those doors there."

"Great, thanks…." beamed Eve, slapping a name against her chest and striding out with purpose.

"Parents and guardians are in the senate chamber just down the hall."

"Oh….." and it only took a fraction of a second for Olivia's heart to break on seeing the sudden look of panic on her little girls face, "… can't she come with me?"

"We like to have the students talk classes and dorm rooms and sports while the parents deal with the boring stuff. They get to hear about financing and post-grad opportunities and the history of our fine educational institution."

"I guess…" said Eve with a small voice, "… I guess I'll text you when I'm done?"

"We'll compare notes over lunch…." nodded Olivia quickly, forcing a smile, "…. go, go get yourself a good seat. I love you, baby."

But right there, right then, in that moment the reality of the reality looming large winded Olivia. Before too long she wouldn't just be saying goodbye to Eve for the duration of a lecture, but for an entire semester. Of course she knew it was coming, that one day they would end up here. Getting Eve into college had been her entire reason for being for the past sixteen years, but somehow it was now terrifyingly real. Eve Grace was no longer that saucer eyed baby girl she had had glued at her side all these years. She was a young woman falling in love, visiting colleges, learning how to stand on her own two feet.

"I swear to God if you mock me right now I will never forgive you El so consider yourself warned. I'm in a dark, dark place and I need you to step up."

"Mouse with you?" came the familiar voice on the other end of the line that brought Olivia profound comfort as she wandered the grounds of Brown, clutching at her cell phone with tears in her eyes.

"No, no they have her locked up in a…."

"Locked up? Liv she's a junior on a college open day not an inmate at Rickers!"

"I just feel a little blindsided that's all."

"Is Momma Bear having a little separation anxiety?"

"She just looks so small here….." choked Olivia, knowing she had to get it all out of her system so she could be the perfect picture of excitement when Eve returned, "… like she's just playing at being in college."

"Well she is right now; we've got a whole 'nother year before this is for real."

"It's so counterintuitive."

"What is, babe?" asked Elliot gently, able to tell from her voice just how deeply the trip was affecting his wife.

"Everything. All of it. From the moment I found out I was pregnant I've done everything in my power to keep her as close as humanly possible and do everything I could for her. Now doing right by her is letting her do things for herself. I have to start letting her go and I'm realising now that I had vastly underestimated all the ways that was going to destroy me."

"I can't tell you that it doesn't suck. I won't lie to you, Liv. It hurts like hell. The cross we gotta bear is that eventually we're gonna have to shove the baby bird out of the nest and just pray to God that we did our jobs right…" as Olivia dissolved into tears on a bench she could hear him smile as he added, "…. she'll flap her little wings and fly."

"Wow."

"Did I say the wrong thing?"

"No, no you said….." gathering herself together and laughing amusedly Olivia dabbed at her smudged eye makeup with a light finger and sighed, "… no, sweetheart, you said the perfect thing. For once."

"Hey!"

"I love you, Liv. Now go, suck it up and try to enjoy the rest of your trip. Hang out with your girl and don't think about tomorrow. We're not there yet. We've got another year."

"One more year."

"Olivia she's looking round a college in Rhode Island and I think we should consider that a win. It could be worse; she could have her heart set on Berkeley or Stanford."

"Okay I'm done, I'm good. I'm back. I apologise for the momentary meltdown."

"You don't have to apologise. You're a mom, it's your baby girl, it's Evie: I get it."

"I'll text you later. I love you, babe."

"Back 'atcha, roger that."

* * *

"Marine, huh?"

"Yeah."

"So 'Nam or?"

"Gulf."

"Right."

"Desert Storm."

"Nice."

"Not really."

"Mr Stabler I….." unable to bear the muscle crippling tension surrounding them as they sat together on the back porch step Calvin winced, "… this is not going well, is it?"

"What isn't going well?" asked Elliot, taking a sip from his beer and turning to look the young man in the eye. "Did you think you'd come here and we'd have a nice little bonding session watching the game and then I'd be inviting you round for family dinners?"

"No sir."

"Calvin you are a nineteen year old boy facing criminal charges and you come here all long hair and swagger and you think that's it? Job done? Box checked? I'm just gonna give you my blessing to date my baby girl?"

"No, no sir."

"Calvin you mean a lot to my wife. My daughter, for better or worse, seems to have gotten it into her pretty little head that you're not the worst person she's ever met….." clarifying, softening his statement with a fraction of a half-smile Elliot nodded, "… so here we are."

"Yeah."

"You're in my home, you're eating my chips, you're drinking my soda, and you're watching my TV. You are having sex with my sixteen year old daughter Calvin. I should've put you through a wall by now, but I haven't."

"I appreciate that, sir." Damn thought Elliot, he was funny. That cowlick hair and lopsided smile made it hard to hate the boy, worse than that it made him frustratingly endearing.

"Trust me, kid…" sighed Elliot, putting one foot in front of the other with cautious optimism, "… this could be going a hell of a lot worse."

* * *

"I think you should cut your hair short again."

"Are you trying to say I'm too old to wear it like this?" asked Olivia, pulling her shoulder length mid-brown soccer mom hair back into an elastic and flashing Eve a wry smile. "Was that your attempt at tact?"

"No, no I just liked it how you had it in the pictures. Like back in the day when you and Dad were the Bonnie and Clyde of the 16th precinct."

"Trust me, baby, we were never that."

"Will you braid me?" tugging Elliot's old NYPD sweatshirt over her head and padding across their hotel room barefoot in her plaid pyjama shorts Eve clambered up in the King beside Olivia. "Not too tight, remember."

"French, yeah?" checked Olivia, grabbing a hairbrush and beginning to run it through Eve's almost waist length chocolate waves. "Shuffle back a bit. My arms aren't that long, you're so tall now!"

"So did you like it? Brown? Like, do you still think it should be my first choice school?"

"I think you should keep your options open till we've seen all the ones you're considering. You've got Yale with your Dad in a few months…."

"But it's _always _been Brown, like since forever."

"And if it's where you want to go and you get a place then we'll back you one hundred per cent you know that, baby. I just don't think you should close any doors, that's all. I mean Casey went to NYU and loved it and I know they have an open day not too far off."

"Mom you're so transparent….." smiled Eve adoringly, twisting her neck so she could look at her mother as she added, "… it's not that Casey went there that makes NYU your first choice for me. It's that it's in Manhattan."

"There are, I admit, some geographical benefits to….." conceding the point Olivia pushed Eve's head back forward so she could continue French braiding and laughed softly, "… okay, okay you got me. But don't rule it out because of that either."

"Aunty Alex went to Columbia and that's Ivy League _and _within stalker-Mom range of home. Maybe we should go check it out?"

"Oh I don't know….." with a careful smile and feigned nonchalance Olivia spoke quietly and completely contradicted herself, "… it'd probably be good for you to get out of New York for a while and see someplace new so…."

"Is it because of your Mom?" said Eve, as Olivia's hands involuntarily released their grip and her hair fell loose around her shoulders. "Oh I'm sorry that was…."

"No, no it's okay."

"No it isn't I shouldn't have said that it's just we always talk about all these colleges but never that one. It's like the elephant in the room or something. I know you don't want to talk about it. Alex told me how you don't like to. It's fine, it's cool, it's….."

"Evie you're not a child anymore."

"I…."

"You're growing up so fast, sometimes it feels like too fast, but whether I like it or not it's happening. You're in an adult relationship with Calvin and you chose that for yourself. You made the decision that you were ready to have sex and you were mature enough to come and talk to me about it."

"Mom…."

"You're an intelligent, sensitive young lady Evie Grace and you trusted me with something very personal to you. You had enough faith in and respect for our relationship to talk to me like an adult, like equals, and I think I owe you the same in return. I need to tell you something that is going to be as hard for me to say as it is for you to hear."

"Okay…." nodded Eve slowly, turning around in her seat and sitting cross legged in front of Olivia, looking up at her with innocent cobalt eyes, "… okay let's do it." For some years now Eve had been acutely aware that there was more to Olivia's parentage than she was willing to discuss. While Elliot's parents were never spoken of in a particularly fond light, his father the angry, overbearing thug and his mother's tragic suicide were as nought compared to the hushed whispers and sideways glances exchanged about Olivia's.

"Let's do it….." nodded Olivia, realising she was holding her breath and exhaling suddenly.

"Mom it's alright, it's okay, I can handle it….." reaching for her mother's hands and clutching them tightly, feeling them trembling in her own, Eve smiled gently and encouraged, "….you can tell me? Whatever it is?"

"We've spoken before about how I had a complicated relationship with my mother."

"Yeah, yeah you told me she worked a lot and that….." lowering her eyes, almost nervous to say it despite their closeness Eve swallowed, "… and that sometimes she drank too much."

"Evie she didn't sometimes drink too much. She always drank too much. She could _never_ have just one. She was an alcoholic."

"Oh….." seeing Eve process the information, taste it, consider it in her sharp mind and open heart Olivia felt confident in her ability to handle what was coming next.

"Baby you know what I do, right? You know the kind of crimes that I deal with?"

"Sex crimes and child abuse and….." nodding to show she was every bit as grown up as she wanted to be for her mother in that moment Eve added, "… all that stuff?"

"I don't want to scare you, sweet girl. I have always trodden this impossible line between keeping you safe and telling you things you don't need to know. I would never want to put pictures in your head, to have you live in fear. You don't need to see what I've seen or know what I know about what people are capable of."

"You and Dad always taught me to be careful. To read the situation, to never put myself at risk if I can help it and I listened, I did. I know you think I was dumb with Calvin but I wasn't. At first I only met him outside your work where I _know_ there are cameras and people around. Then for ages when I went places with him I always told people where we were and I took the SIM out my phone and stuffed it in my bra."

"You did that?" dumbfounded at how she had underestimated Eve, and how she ought to have known better.

"Mom does what you're trying to tell me have anything to do with how you never once talked about your father? I mean I was kinda being nice about your Mom. I already knew she drank that way. I already knew that was how she died."

"For a man of few words your Dad certainly seems to have doing a lot of…."

"No, no it wasn't his fault it was mine. I ask a lot of questions."

"From the moment you could talk..." smiled Olivia adoringly.

"You would just never talk about it. I knew how sad you were sometimes. I just wanted to understand."

"My mother was an English professor at Columbia. She was fiercely intelligent. So much so that sometimes it seemed to me like she saw the world in another dimension than everyone else."

"Like you." Said Eve without missing a beat.

"Baby…."

"Keep going…."

"A lot of years earlier when she was still a student she worked in the cafeteria. One night she took a short cut home across a part of campus that wasn't lit."

"Did something happen?" swallowed Eve, already seeing the answer in her mother's darkening eyes.

"You know what I don't think this was a good idea….." gathering herself up from the bed Olivia moved quickly to the hotel window, looking out at the street below and hugging her arms around herself, "… you wanna see if there's a movie on? I think I saw popcorn in that vendor down the hall."

"Momma….." they were too far in to go back now, the only way out was through and knowing this so deep inside her bones it hurt Eve walked over and slid an arm around Olivia's waist, "…. is what happened to your mother the reason you joined SVU?"

"Yes….." choked Olivia, her eyes glued on the streetlight opposite as she admitted that which she hadn't to anyone previously. Not to the countless mandated therapists she'd sat with and not even to Elliot. She had come close in a conversation with George Huang once but even then she had still described her mother's rape as a strong factor in her decision to work sex crimes, not the sole reason for her vocation.

"I understand."

"No, no Evie you _don't_….." it was so hard and yet so easy to cry in front of her daughter, as though they had shared enough exchanges of blood, sweat and tears in their lives together so far that this was just another tie that would bind them. "Baby girl what you need to know. What I need to tell you. What I need for you to try and…."

"Momma…."

"Eve what happened to my mother isn't just the reason I joined the SVU….." gasping for air, holding it in her lungs, throwing her eyes at Eve and taking the biggest risk imaginable Olivia confessed, "….it's the reason I'm alive. It's the reason I exist at all."

"Oh my…."

"I don't talk about my father because in 1967 he raped Serena Benson and nine months later….." covering her face, releasing hot tears of anguish and deeply buried pain from storming brown eyes Olivia rasped, "… I was born."

For a few moments Eve said nothing. Chewing on the inside of her cheek she kept her eyes on the carpet and her arm loosely around Olivia's waist. It were as if she had been seeing the world in soft focus all these years and suddenly someone had changed the lens. The clarity was like an icy, biting New York wind howling through her and sweeping away a little of the misted vapour that enshrouded her mother. The picture of Olivia as an enigmatic woman, not just as her mother, became that much more distinct. If they had been close before the confession, they were overwhelmingly more so after it.

"Momma?"

"Yes baby?" feeling as though her ability to keep on living hung on whatever Eve said next Olivia waited, breath baited.

"I love you….." said Eve simply, lifting to her tiptoes and hugging at Olivia's neck tight.

* * *

"Please tell us that it's good news Alex."

"I'm still waiting for Barba's call but from what I can tell the signs are good so far. No matter how keen the DA's office are to make an example of Calvin he's hardly catch of the day. A decent possession collar and accessory to armed robbery is _nothing _versus nailing a violet rapist and the mastermind behind the whole scheme. Johnny orchestrated that bodega hit and a week later he shoots at an NYPD precinct Captain. These are proven facts and that is the influence that nineteen year old boy has had in his life to date."

"That and a junkie Mom who's done time herself."

"Wait Vivian's done time?" asked Fin, almost ashamed he hadn't made himself aware of the fact earlier.

"Three months before they cut her a deal to give up her pimp… " nodded Nick Amaro, who had done a considerable amount of research into the young boy everyone couldn't stop talking about. The one he was just painfully relieved hadn't won the heart of his own little girl. It had been hard enough when Zara had started dating a track athlete with a squeaky clean resume and full scholarship to the University of Connecticut.

"Woah, wait, hold on a second….." winced Georgia, leaning forward in a way that made everyone present think of Amanda, "…. so this kid's mother is a junkie _and _a hooker?"

"The chicken and the egg…." offered Nick with a sad sigh, while Fin remained silent.

"I think what we need to focus on for the time being and _certainly _when Liv gets back is that whatever Calvin Arliss' past might have looked like his future is looking brighter. He's got a fixed address living with a cop, he's willing to cooperate and testify against Johnny in a rape investigation and we can successfully argue that he was coerced into the bodega robbery. The possession we can bury as an inexcusable but understandable by-product. I can make that go away."

"Keep us posted."

"Thanks Alex."

"You're too quiet today….." said Georgia softly, strumming her fingers on the desk beside a deeply contemplative Fin, "….. what's up?"

"Nah, nah I'm all good."

"I'm sorry I was home a little later than planned last night. Rach and I went for a drink after the movie and I lost track of time."

"I bet you did…" laughed Fin, but there was none of that fond teasing that he usually delighted in when talking to Georgia about her excruciatingly fragile new relationship with Rachel Warner. The two women were like nervous teenagers, so lost and unsure in their strange new land. It was almost as though finally admitting to one another the truth depth of their feelings had caused them to revert to being more like friends than they had been before. It was a slowly emerging butterfly from a decade long cocoon and Fin found it enchanting to watch. At least he usually did.

"Fin you know you can talk to me, right? Is it Ken? Or I mean I know you worry about the responsibility of having Calvin at your place and…."

"It's her birthday."

"Who's?" smiled Georgia with light hearted concern.

"Peach."

"Oh…. I….."

"G your mother would've turned 46 today."

"I can't believe I didn't realise the date."

"Why would you?" smiled Fin reassuringly, reaching for her hand and giving it a loving squeeze. "Hey, don't take it bad. We've talked about this. It was just any other date for you your whole life. Remember that."

"You know what I could really eat right now? A giant, greasy, artery clogging burger with all the trimmings. I'm talking onion rings, bacon, a thick slice of Jack, the whole nine yards."

"You don't have to do this, G. I'm fine. I know you're seeing Rachel tonight."

"Not anymore I'm not….." said Georgia firmly, shooting him that Rollins southern sass stare that told him she wasn't about to argue the point, "… you finish up here and I'll call ahead and book us a booth at Joe's. They can make you your special."

* * *

"Did I hear someone pull up?"

"No."

"I swear I heard…."

"He's teasing, baby. Calvin's outside."

"Daddy you're awful!" admonished Eve with a deep frown and heavy roll of her eyes, smacking Elliot's arm lightly as she ran past him on her way to the door.

"Do we approve of that shirt?" asked Elliot, turning to his wife on having just seen considerably more of Eve than he felt comfortable with.

"El it's a t-shirt….." shaking her head dismissively Olivia felt confident she still had a firm handle on Eve's wardrobe choices, "… the kid can't help growing up. You didn't tell Sam to stop his voice breaking. Four daughters later you think you'd have caught onto this."

"And yet….."

"So how did it go? Your guys' night? Did you get chance to hang out with Calvin?" probed Olivia, reigning herself in as best she could so as not to make it feel like an interrogation.

"Yeah, yeah we had a little talk. Man to man, you know."

"Does Cal have anything in a sling right now?" unable to resist a smirk Olivia teased, "Does he still have full vision?"

"He's pulls for the Yankees, we talked about the Corps. He can disassemble a car in less than 6 minutes. I don't wanna know how or why he learned how to do that but the kid isn't an idiot."

"CAL!"

"Is that her shouting?" asked Elliot, from his perch on the sofa arm.

"Oh El you gotta check this out….." melting in ways she didn't think possible over a situation she had initially been deeply cynical over Olivia shook her head with a smile and watched through the window, "… just look at that boy smile around her."

"I don't wanna know what's in his head right now."

"He lights up around her….." replied Olivia, as Elliot came to join her and they watched the driveway scene unfolding.

"Run Bambi….." grinned Calvin, jumping out of his truck and holding his arms outstretched for Eve as she ran barefoot across the lawn and down the driveway, "….. jump!"

"EEK!" she screamed shrilly, as the second she was within reach Calvin grabbed at her slight waist and lifted her clear off the floor. Bouncing up from the ground she wrapped her legs around him and holding his face in both hands kissed him impatiently.

"I missed you."

"You did?" having come to know him as a man of monosyllables who struggled to express any depth of emotion it always stunned Eve momentarily when Calvin gave freely of himself. She knew he had missed her. She could feel it in the way he held and kissed her, see it written all over his face, and yet still it was so darling to hear him say the words.

"Don't get excited."

"I've got so much to tell you about the trip it was so cool and Brown is amazing but I'm also thinking that I should look round, like, other schools like Yale and NYU since it's right here in the city but…."

"Hey! Hey you wanna breathe sometime?" he laughed, his hands in the back pockets of her jeans.

"You free to hang out?" of course he was, he'd been up at dawn just counting down the hours till he got to drive over and see her. "I did all my homework already and I'm yours all day if you want?"

"I mean I'll have to reschedule a few meetings, push back my business lunch…."

"Asshole."

"You wanna go for a drive?" reaching a hand to the small of her back he pushed it under the hem of her t-shirt and stroked at warm skin tenderly. "I got a full tank. We could just see where the day takes us?"

"Sounds perfect…" she sighed blissfully, kissing him once more before kicking her legs back down onto the drive way and smiling, "…you wanna come in and say hi while I grab my purse?"

"Not really."

"My Dad told me how you guys hung out while we were gone."

"Hung out is probably a little generous."

"He doesn't hate you…" said Eve, hands on her hips as she squinted up at him against the warm spring sunlight, "… how'd you manage that one?"

"I made some shit up….." shrugged Calvin, having regretted doing so the moment the words had left his mouth on taking to Elliot the previous evening. "I didn't mean to. It just happened."

"Cal…."

"Yeah, no, I can't talk to your Dad again until you teach me something about baseball."

"Calvin!" scolded Eve with a laughing eye roll. "You told him you were into it?"

"He kept staring at me like I was the piece of trash who deflowered his little girl. I just wanted him to quit and he kinda warmed up during the game so I ran with it. Next I know I'm a hard core Yankees fan agreeing to, like, go to games with you or whatever…." breaking into that deep, guttural laugh that set Eve's heart racing Calvin shook his hair and sighed heavily, "… it's dumb, I just….."

"It's not dumb…." reaching to his face she leant up on tiptoes, kissing him softly and smiling, "… it's actually pretty adorable."

"I'm a football guy, baby. I can run a pig skin like a motherfucker but I don't know jack about your Dad's game."

"He really said you could come with us?"

"I guess."

"Cal that is huge, you realise that right? Ball games are like sacred Stabler family bonding rituals. We go like a freakin' tribe. Fin and Mel and Georgia come along, Eli when he's in town over the summer, Dickie, the girls. My Mom goes nuts for fried pickles and my Dad lets Sammy and me take it in turns to wear his lucky jersey."

"Bambi I'm gonna look like the biggest ass when he finds out I'm bullshitting him."

"Well you won't be, not by then!" she exclaimed determinedly, having been given an inch of optimism that Calvin and Elliot might get along and running a mile with it. "By the time you next talk to him, by the time you come along to your first game day I'll have taught you _exactly_ what to say to my Dad. He'll think you bleed Yankee blue."

"Go get your purse. I'm hungry. I'll take you for pizza."

"You sure you don't even wanna come in and say hey to my Mom?" asked Eve, seeing he was tempted. "I know she'd want to see you?"

"Nah, nah I'm good….." he insisted, sensing that baby steps were the key to successful integration into the Stabler fold and he ought not push his luck, "… she's probably tired from you trip."

"Cal…."

"Don't whine, Bambi. Just go get your shit and let's roll."


	16. In The Pain There Is Healing

"You wanna be QB next year?"

"Hell yeah."

"So start acting like it."

"Dude what the…." smarted Sam, tossing the ball back to Calvin. In an organic, slowly evolving routine they had begun spending the time between Sam getting home from school and Eve arriving back from her AP classes in the front yard together. Just throwing a ball, taking the heat off the day: two boys getting to know one another.

"You can't just sit on your ass waiting for them to hand you it. You gotta work for it. Earn it. Show them why they'd be out of their fucking minds _not _to start you at quarterback."

"I'm still kinda young I guess and the other guys on the team are awesome so….."

"Don't whine like your sister, bro….." reproved Calvin with a heartfelt smirk, "… shut up and catch this."

"You've got a pretty good shoulder….." slugging the ball back again Sam noted, "… you know your stuff?"

"A few plays."

"You teach me them?" asked Sam, a little nervous in the older boy's presence. Growing up he had always been close to Eli, and enjoyed the benefits of an elder brother, but their dynamic had always been tame in comparison to that he was developing with Calvin. Eli was a quiet boy, shy, sensitive, and a thinker like his mother. Calvin had swagger and Sam just wanted to be around him.

"Bend your elbows."

"I am!"

"You want teaching or not Stabler?" challenged Calvin, throwing an impressive spiral in Sam's direction and nodding with a satisfied smile as the younger boy caught it well.

"That better?"

"Not really."

"Hey Calvin can I ask you something?"

"Nope."

"See there's this girl…."

"No."

"Dude!" protested Sam with a laugh, shaking his head in amusement. He knew Calvin wasn't serious, he knew he didn't really mind when he bugged him with questions but he had his casual way. That monotone nonchalance and cavalier smile that was as engaging as it was deeply frustrating.

"Who is she?" asked Calvin reluctantly, knew to the role he now found himself in. Sam was a smart kid, green but confident in himself and one of the most naturally cheerful and easily contented people Calvin had ever encountered. The sort of young boy who would not benefit from anything he had to teach beyond football plays.

"She's in my Spanish class. She sits three rows along from me and she's literally the prettiest thing girl ever saw."

"Pretty, huh?" not hot, thought Calvin with a smile, which meant Sam was really in trouble. "What's her name?"

"Emma. Emma Rose Carter."

"Man she really has got you sucker punched hasn't she…." grinned Calvin with a glint in his eye.

"Says the dude wrapped around my sister's little finger!"

"Oh whatever….." shrugged Calvin, but they both knew it was painfully true.

"So what should I do? To get her to notice me?"

"Mejore su español….." blowing Sam's mind with the sudden flash of effortless, accented Spanish Calvin lifted his eyebrows suggestively.

"You speak Spanish? No freakin' way! I thought you dropped out of school….." and just for a minute, as he attempted to extract his foot from his mouth Sam was the perfect picture of his father's jaw and his sister's smile, "…. damn, sorry dude, didn't mean that how it sounded."

"Sure you did and that's cool. It's true. Spanish and sport were about the only two things I didn't totally flunk out in and neither had anything to do with actually showing up to class."

"So where'd you learn?"

"A friend."

"Girlfriend?" asked Sam instantly, seeing something flicker in Calvin's eyes as he held onto the ball and missed his turn to throw.

"A lifetime ago….." shrugged Calvin, realising how ill-advised it was to be telling Sam this before he had had chance to bring either his mother or his former girlfriend up in conversation with Eve, "… but now she's just kinda family."

"So she taught you Spanish?"

"She taught me a lot of things…." said Calvin, giving even an almost fifteen year old the distinct impression there was more to the story than the acquisition of a second language. "Her family all spoke Spanish at home and I hung out there a lot so….." remembering the chaotic haven that the Hispanic hysteria of his old friend's family kitchen had provided him as a child Calvin smiled, "… I guess some of it stuck."

"I thought Evie said you didn't talk to your family except Johnny…."

"I don't." Those two were close, noted Calvin, they seemed to share almost everything.

"So this girl….."

"Texas lives with my Mom. I used to visit but….." gripping the ball tightly with his fingers Calvin slammed it repeatedly into his other hand and swallowed quietly, "… ach, it's a long story."

"Hey!" dropping the football the second he recognized her voice Calvin spun around to greet Eve as she emerged from Elliot's car and headed up the driveway in her cheer uniform.

"Hey baby….." greeting her with a kiss that lasted a little too long for either Sam or Elliot's comfort Calvin grabbed her kit bag and slung it over his shoulder, "….. school okay?"

"Ugh, so that history paper I wrote?"

"Lincoln or Tea Party?" asked Calvin without having to pause to recollect. Walking behind them Elliot noted the detail, how Calvin was a better man than he was listening to the endless rambling of Eve and her various school papers.

"Oh Lincoln I got an A+ but she gave me a freakin' B on the Tea Party because apparently my argument lacked substance. Like, is she for real? My argument was crazy substantial! It was kick ass, it was freakin' meaty as all hell and just because she doesn't agree with me that they were all stupid wig-wearing men who couldn't figure out that….."

"Hey, hey Mouse?" saving Calvin from an impending rant but not meeting his eyes or talking to him directly Elliot asked, "You gonna invite Hercules here to stay for dinner or what?"

"Hercules?" asked Eve, pulling a face. "What the hell Dad?"

"Don't say hell."

"You say hell all the time and way worse!"

"You want a plate of your Mom's lasagne dishing out for Tarzan or you wanna be a brat to your father?"

"Don't screw this up for me Bambi because I remember Livia's lasagne and….." suddenly in another place and time, tasting tastes, smelling smells, half stood on the Stabler driveway and half eating lasagne on Detective Benson's couch in apartment 4D Calvin shot his girlfriend a warning look.

"Okay! Okay let's go….." grabbing his hand and dragging him through the front door Eve giggled her way down the hall as Sam just smiled at his father.

"Hercules? Tarzan? Really?"

"What? Sam the guy is built like Dog the freakin' Bounty Hunter….." in stature Calvin almost matched Elliot, and it was unnerving to the former Marine, "… it's not normal."

"You can give him crap all you like Dad but those arms and shoulders can _seriously _throw a football."

"Son you'd tell me, right? If you thought she was in trouble? I mean your sister, she talks to your Mom and less so to me but I know how sibling code works. I've seen you guys keep secrets for each other since you let her hide snacks in your diaper."

"That was so gross I can't believe she did that."

"She thought it was a _real_ clever idea at the time….." said Elliot, hitting Sam with the weight of his statement and the profound look of concern in a father's eyes, "… you get what I'm saying, bud?"

"Yeah, yeah I do."

"So football, huh? That's his game?"

"He's awesome Dad you should see him throw a pass."

"Well he doesn't know a damn thing about baseball so I suppose it's a relief he's better at….." it hadn't taken a detective long to see through Calvin's fudged attempts at pretending to be a fan, but seeing it as a sweet gesture on his part trying to get to know his girlfriend's father Elliot had humoured him.

"You do realise they think he got away with that?" chuckled Sam amusedly. "Evie is, like, schooling him on game rules and Yankee player history."

"Our secret?" suggested Elliot, seeing no harm in having Eve and Calvin engaged in a mutual pursuit of knowledge rather than wandering hands beneath the sheets.

"Guys! Mom says come wash up it's on the table!"

"On it." Nodded Sam, sliding past his sister and heading for kitchen as the smell of Olivia's cooking drew them all in for supper.

"Hey Daddy?"

"Uh oh."

"I don't know what you've done with the Elliot Stabler who would've grounded me for life and banished Calvin to North Dakota by now but this version of him is pretty kick ass. Thank you for trusting me."

"Mouse…."

"Thank you for giving him a chance….." he couldn't say another word, not to those beautiful eyes who couldn't have loved him more in that moment as Eve hopped up on tiptoes and kissed his cheek, "… I love you Dad."

* * *

"Advance to Boardwalk! SCORE!"

"Nah, nah you…."

"Pay out Uncle Fin you _know_ you gotta….." grinned Eve, sat cross legged on Fin's living room floor as the assembled group engaged in an intense game of Monopoly, "… and if you can't pay I'll let you give me Indiana and Kentucky Avenue at face value."

"Oh you will, will you Ms Trump?" grumbled Fin, taking a swig of his beer and counting through his meagre pile of cash. He never had been and never would be an entrepreneur.

"Your girl is kicking your ass tonight Fin…." grinned Georgia, sucking on her coke straw and flashing Eve a warm smile.

"Who the hell let her get hotels on the freakin blues?"

"Hell if I know…." chuckled Calvin, who's hand was lazily stroking at Eve's thigh having already forfeited the game half an hour earlier to his girlfriend's ruthless empire-building skills.

"You ignore them Eve they're just threatened by two intelligent women getting their hands on a little power…." beamed Melinda Warner, having become profoundly fond of Olivia's fiercely smart young lady.

"I mean there's a fair bit of luck involved when you think about the dice and…."

"Georgia!" laughed Eve, but in truth she had no intention of conceding that either her success or Melinda's had been gained by anything short of brilliance. "Don't tell them that, besides you can _totally_ make a comeback with your stations."

"Yeah, yeah sure I can sugar. I'm like Queen of the freakin' Railroads and not a lot else after Doc Warner cleaned me out last time."

"Baby can you get me another lemonade?" patting Calvin's knee encouragingly Eve turned back to her game as he dutifully got up from the floor. She had him whipped, he mused on his way to the refrigerator. Then, turning back to see her take a financial loss in order to let Fin settle his debts and stay in the game he flashed a smile. He'd have gone out and handpicked the lemons if she'd asked.

"So buddy are you all set for next week?" asked Georgia as Calvin returned to the carpet with Eve's glass. In the short time they had known each other he had come to find her disarmingly approachable and easy to be around. It was as a result of this that without flinching, and trusting everyone present Calvin saw fit to respond honestly.

"I hope so."

"He's gonna do great….." chimed in Eve, without hesitation as she leant over and kissed Calvin's shoulder lovingly, "… aren't you baby?"

"It's a big day, a lot of pressure, seeing Johnny again for the first time….." nodding slowly and meeting Fin's eyes Georgia added, "… don't underestimate what it takes to do what you're doing, kid."

"Seconded." Nodded Fin slowly.

"I'm gonna skip cheer practice on Thursday and come meet you as soon as I…."

"No you're not."

"Cal…." as Fin and Melinda made eyes at one another, and then at Georgia the young couple resurrected what was clearly an old argument.

"I mean it and don't whine. You're not coming to the court. Go your cheer practice and I'll come over to yours when I'm done."

"I want to be there for you."

"I _don't_ Bambi."

"Calvin!"

"Hey, hey baby girl that's his call it's not fair to give him grief for it. If Cal doesn't want you at the courthouse you don't get to come and for what it's worth I think he's right." Sighing in frustration Eve slumped in her seat and threw sulky eyes at Fin. She couldn't fight both of them and she knew it.

"Bambi I don't want you part of all that shit. I'll have a tonne of people there. Ms Cabot, Livia, Huey, Dewey and Louie from the sex police."

"Hey!" protested Georgia pulling a face.

"Detectives Tutuola, Amaro and Taylor will be there….." corrected Calvin with a smirk.

"Kid you're getting full attendance. Word has it that Sergeant Munch is making a rare guest appearance, Detective Stabler, ADAs Novak and Barba if they can."

"I've requested the afternoon off….." nodded Melinda, surprising and moving Fin with her commitment.

"Seriously?" asked Eve, while Calvin just sat silent.

"Cal you'll get to learn how things work around here soon enough. If it matters to Captain Stabler it matters to a hell of a lot of people….." said Fin, as the hairs on the two teenagers necks lifted, "… if _you_ matter to Liv then people stand up."

"I'll get us another beer….." swallowed Calvin, getting up slowly from his seat and sloping back to the kitchen without another word.

"He alright?" asked Georgia with concern, having seen Calvin's chiselled face drop to a painfully vulnerable mien as Fin had spoken.

"I'll go check…"

"Nah, nah baby girl let him go…." cautioned Fin, grabbing at Eve's wrist and sitting her back down, "… give him a minute. Let him breathe."

"But…."

"Trust me..." giving her hand a squeeze he winked meaningfully but she didn't understand.

Eve, like her brother, had come to expect a full honour guard at every event in her life. She had never known anything but a tribal force of love at her back, she had been raised in the understanding of what having Olivia Stabler on your side meant. For Calvin it was all so new, so overwhelming, and so vastly different to anything he had ever known before. He wasn't about to say it, he wasn't about to break down to them all, but Fin knew he needed a moment alone. A chance to process that not only was Olivia throwing the full force of her affection behind his second chance but she was enlisting an army of friends and family to do the same.

* * *

"So you and Melinda are, like, legit official now huh?"

"Legit official?" pulling a face Fin shook his head disapprovingly. "Nah, nah we don't go in for that crap."

"I heard she stayed over the other night. If she's prepared to sleepover at your man cave she must really wanna make things work."

"Calvin has a big mouth."

"Oh no, no he didn't….." realising she had inadvertently disclosed her source without having to actual use words Georgia clammed up.

"Things _like, legit official _with Rachel then?" seeing he had touched a nerve Fin dropped his snarky smirk and turned it to a concerned smile, "G?"

"Rachel!"

"Yeah, yeah that's what I said…." but suddenly Fin realised what she had meant, as Rachel Warner breezed into the bullpen with her stunning black corkscrew curls coiffed to perfection and a glorious bouquet of flowers against her arm, "…. oh wow."

"Rach what are you….." glancing around her, feeling a hundred prying eyes boring into the back of her head from the support staff and uniformed officers milling around Georgia swallowed, "… we weren't due to meet for another hour at least? Did I get the time wrong?"

"No, no you didn't but I got done early at the salon and thought I'd come early and surprise you."

"Well…" swallowing nervously Georgia shrugged her shoulders and held out upturned hands, "… I'm surprised!"

"I bought these for you….." aware that Fin was listening but not really caring Rachel smiled warmly, handing over the spring flowers and adding, "… they're all your favourite colours."

"They're real neat."

"Neat?" face twisting at the bizarre choice of adjective and a little disappointed that her gesture had not exacted the desired response Rachel fell quiet.

"I mean thanks, thank you, they're gorgeous but….." flitting her pale blues eyes back and forth between Rachel, the flowers, and window Georgia muttered, "…. I'm at work."

"So?" asked Rachel flatly, as Fin sensed a storm brewing and busied himself at his own desk. Background checking the various members of Johnny Arliss' gaggle of petty thieves and drug peddlers he ignored the two women throwing sidelong glances at one another and engaging in a tense muscled waltz around Georgia's desk.

"What do you mean so?" asked Georgia defensively, setting the flowers down on her desk and her hands on her hips.

"I mean….." uncaring that there were people around, too far lost in their strange new land to turn back down Rachel grabbed a hand at Georgia's face and leant in to stake her claim with a kiss that left no room for misinterpretation, "… I mean this."

"Rachel!"

"You're a hypocrite…." smarted Rachel, as Georgia recoiled from her kiss as though it had burned her lips.

"No, no I…."

"You want me to come out to my family, break up my marriage and move across an entire continent to be with you but you can't even tell you co-workers your gay."

"Oh hey, hey Rachel that is out of line and….." rising from his desk Fin no longer cared for the boundaries of it being their relationship, only the way Georgia stood numb and dumbfounded as the entire 16th precinct reacted to Rachel revealing her secret.

"I'm sorry…." swallowed a crimson cheeked Rachel as she realised the enormity of what she had done.

"G it's okay…." said Fin, putting a hand on the blonde's shoulder as she stared at Rachel with a look that could freeze the fires of hell.

"No, no it is not…" she replied slowly, her eyes still on Rachel as she spat, "… it is not even close to okay."

"Georgia I…."

"Fuck you Rachel. Fuck you."

"What the hell just happened in here?" asked Amaro, returning from Olivia's office with a puzzled expression and wide eyes. "I feel like there's an elephant in the room. What'd I miss?"

"Not a thing." Lied Fin with little conviction as the door slammed after Georgia and Rachel as they chased one after the other out of the precinct.

"No?"

"Hell you might as well hear it from me. God knows the whole freakin' precinct will soon enough."

"Know what?"

"Rachel Warner just threw Detective Taylor out the closet with both hands."

"Wait Georgia's gay?" asked Nick, surprised but not shocked. "Did we know this?"

"Mel and I did….." nodded Fin slowly, sadly, with a regretful sigh, "… she wasn't ready for this Nick."

"Damn."

"Yeah, yeah that."

* * *

"The DA's office confirmed it this morning. As long as you show up and testify against Johnny tomorrow they'll drop all charges. Your record stays clean."

"Okay."

"I thought you'd be…." a little more enthused, thought Olivia, having worked almost entirely through the night before with Alex to put Calvin's case to her superiors. To her relief they had finally conceded that the sentencing of a rapist, drug dealer and the ring leader of a notorious armed robbery gang was far preferable to that of a troubled teenager for possession.

"I am."

"Then…."

"I know what he did. I don't doubt he's guilty. Doesn't mean I'm gonna throw a party about helping nail him to a fucking cross for it."

"He's still your cousin, huh?" asked Olivia, knowing all too well the conflict of loving someone capable of evil. "I know this is impossibly hard for you Calvin."

"Not really. I just gotta stand in a monkey suit and tell the truth, right?"

"Right, right but I didn't mean…." sensing that they were both tired and this wasn't the time or place to delve into Calvin's complex emotional psyche Olivia took a breath, "... but there are some things I do need to make you aware of. You're not to have any contact with Johnny again from here on out or the deal's off. That means no texts, no phone calls, no meeting up or….."

"I know what no contact means….." drawled Calvin, his eyes blinking slowly as he furrowed his brow defensively, "… I'm not a moron."

"You're living with Fin anyway and that makes keeping you safe a whole lot easier but I'm also arranging for a protective detail of uniformed officers to…."

"Nah, nah-ah I don't need that."

"Calvin your testimony tomorrow could put Johnny and his friends behind bars. You really think they're not going to try and stop you appearing?"

"I can take care of myself."

"I don't doubt that but how about you humour me? How about we remember how you're still healing from a GSW and just let me do my job, okay?"

"He might be a sick son of a bitch but J wouldn't do me in. I'm his cousin."

"Calvin you were his cousin when he got you into this mess. Do you really think family means anything to a man like that?"

"As much as family means anything to anyone…" shrugged Calvin, with such a deep rooted and profoundly damaged conviction Olivia was left paralysed with sadness for several speechless moments.

"Johnny is capable of raping a teenager at knife point and opening fire on a cop. I won't leave you vulnerable to that."

"Livia I will help you put the guy away for hurting that Lauren kid and for shooting at you but don't waste your time on me."

"Waste my time?" marvelled Olivia, continually dumbfounded by just how little value Calvin placed on his own life. "Calvin I don't even know how to….."

"Are we done here….." and then catching himself being his usual offhand self he softened for her, flashed an apologetic smile and added, "… due respect an' all."

"Sweetheart I know you don't believe it but you staying alive? It matters. Not just because you have _every bit _as much right to protection as anyone else assisting in a police investigation and testifying in a case but because you **matter**. Do you have any idea how much my daughter cares about you?"

"I…."

"Do you have any idea how much _I_ care about you?"

"I wouldn't have been any trouble."

"Sorry?" asked Olivia, quite thrown by the way all the defensive walls fell away suddenly and he was a little boy again.

"Why'd you give up on me Livia?" he asked, almost under his breath as she stared back at him dumbfounded from behind her desk. Shaking her head slowly from side to side she struggled to find the words, to form the shapes her mouth would need to in order to speak.

"Calvin…."

"You worked that case. You knew it all. You knew Sarah got my Mom hooked back on the junk."

"Yes and….."

"I was a kid I wasn't deaf. I know why you don't want Evie at Columbia. I know you're story. It's the same as my Mom's….."

"I…." sometimes it was easy to forget how old beyond his years Calvin was, and then there were moments like this one. Where he was able to look her in the eye and admit he knew her paternal ancestry, call a spade a spade, and not even flinch. Vivian carried the same darkness inside her that she did.

"I haven't seen my Dad since they locked him in Rickers for killing that dude. I wanted to go but he wouldn't see me. He wants nothing to do with me."

"Calvin I will never forgive myself for not challenging that custody ruling. Only you have to believe that at the time I honestly thought that I was doing the right thing in letting you go. I thought you'd be better off in Vermont with your grandparents than living in that tiny apartment with a cop who worked all hours and was never home."

"If that's what you gotta tell yourself."

"It's the truth!" getting up from her desk and moving around it to kneel beside him Olivia stared up deep into his troubled eyes and added emphatic, "I meant _every _word I said to you back then I just…."

"You're liar Livia." He wasn't angry, at least not confrontationally so. It was a dulled pain now, a deep rooted betrayal, a lonely disappointment.

"Oh Calvin….." he was right, she couldn't deny it. Though it broke her heart to admit it she couldn't defend her actions, even to herself. The cross she head bore all these years was not that they had taken Calvin away from her, but that she had let them.

"You told me I could stay with you. You told me you'd be there, always."

"I know I did."

"I just don't know how to be different is all. I'd try to fix it if I knew why people just always seem to keep….." turning away, his eyes heavy and his heart too full Calvin mumbled, "….disappearing."

"You should have been able to expect more from me Calvin. I can't speak to everyone else but from me? I am _better_ than the way I let you down. I hope you can believe that."

"Was it something I did?" her whole body ached suddenly, her bones and muscles and organs so heavy they dragged at her soul. He was so strong in body, so grown up in many ways and yet sitting there looking at her broke and battered and bruised by nineteen years of hurt and disillusionment he was just a little boy again.

"No, no sweetheart it….." she had no right to cry, she knew that, but she couldn't help it as hut tears of bitter regret escaped down paled cheeks, "… please believe me when I say you were the sweetest, kindest, funniest little boy and I adored you. I was just lost myself. I wasn't the same person back then. I wanted so desperately to be a mother to you but what I didn't realise was that I wasn't ready to take on all that it would mean. I wanted you so badly. More than anything I wanted to be everything you needed me to be but I just…."

"Don't cry…." his hands were rough and warm but painfully tender and gentle as he reached down and touched the face of an angel and stroked away her tears with his thumb, "…. don't cry Livia." He was a gentle giant and so profoundly capable of love, she realised, surrendering to more tears as the two rediscovered the intimate bond that had formed a lifetime ago and never burned out for either one.

"I wasn't even ready when Eve was born. I was a mess! Just ask Fin. Sometimes I think the only reason she and I are the way we are now is because we just _clung _to each other those first few months."

"So it wasn't cos' of me?" tentative, cautiously the corners of Calvin's mouth lifted as he looked down at Olivia and asked, "Why you never came for me?"

"Oh…." she gasped, picturing him as a child sat waiting for a call that never came. "I never stopped thinking about you. Where you were, what you were doing, whether you still had orange juice on your cereal."

"Milk is still gross so…." he smiled warmly, feeling the weight on his chest lifting as she stroked at his arm maternally and he let her.

"Losing you broke my heart Calvin and I know you have no reason to believe that or to ever trust me again, but if nothing else I just need you to know that I never gave up on you….." nodding slowly Olivia's warm brown eyes narrowed resolutely, "… I **will** never give up on you."

"I used to tell them you were working undercover."

"Tell who?" asked Olivia, getting up from her crouched position and sitting perched on the edge of her desk.

"Kids at school….." shrugged Calvin with a sighing smile, "…. when they asked why my Mom wasn't around."

"Cal….." whispered Olivia, her face so many shades of beautiful, so many shades of Eve.

"I should go….." gathering his heavyset frame up from the chair Calvin shoved his hands into the pockets of his jeans and muttered, "…..I said I'd make chilli tonight and Fin is a son of a bitch when he's hungry."

"You can cook?"

"Chilli, yeah…" he shrugged nonchalantly, "… and kick ass chimichangas."

"Where'd you learn?"

"A friend."

"Calvin?" swallowed Olivia, looking him in the eye as she spoke with heartfelt sincerity and meant her words with every breath in her body. "I really so am sorry. I'm sorry…" shaking her head slowly from side to side she covered her face with a trembling hand and cried silent, devastated tears, feeling that agony of having him ripped from her arms all over again and watching his little face crying out her name, "…. sweetheart I'm so sorry."

"It's okay."

"No, no it…."

"Livia?" for a complex young man of few words he never wasted the ones he chose to employ. Though he may have been a tapestry of intricately woven threads of anger, regret, self-doubt and mistrust he saw the world in an extraordinarily simple light. Some things were worth fighting for; some things were still worth believing in despite a lifetime of evidence to the contrary. Some things were worth another role of the dice and his profound, enduring, forgiving love for Olivia Benson was one of them. "Hey?"

"Yes?" she choked, lowering her hand from her face.

"It's okay….." he repeated firmly and, now physically dwarfing her, he reached out strong arms and hugged the only woman who had ever felt like home tightly, "…. we're good."

"Th….." hiccoughing lightly against his broad chest she smiled to realise though he might forever be a little boy in her heart, in reality he was a young man now "… thank you."

"Shut up….." he smiled, resting his chin against her hair and patting her back comfortingly the way he had Vivian all the times she'd cried.

"You're going to have a protective detail until Johnny is behind bars and I don't want to hear another word about it. Understood?"

"I….." when he moved to pull away she held on a little longer, a little closer, before finally letting him go as he nodded acceptingly and met her eyes with a smile, "… yes m'am."

"And you're going to come over to the house with Fin on Saturday night and make kick ass chimichangas for us all…." said Olivia poker faced, before flashing that heartfelt smile he adored and arching her left brow, "….understood?"

"Yes m'am."


	17. Home Is Where The Heart Aches

"Elliot I'm out the door! Evie: cheer practice, 5pm. Don't let her go to Fin's tonight she's got a giant science project and Calvin needs to focus on tomorrow. Sam: Dylan's house sometime around 6 but no later because they're supposed to be working on a joint history paper and not even John Adams can wax lyrical on the constitution for that long."

"Hey! Hey wait a second….." throwing on an old t-shirt Elliot fell out of the bedroom in his boxers and hurdled various objects in the living room to grab Olivia on her way out of the door. "Right, now put that bag down. Take your coat off a minute."

"Babe I have to get to work…."

"Not for at least another hour you don't and even if you're late the place won't _actually_ fall to the ground without you so….."

"What is it? What's going on? What do you need me to do?" instantly, expertly drilling down to the core of the problem and immediately working to resolve it Olivia reluctantly allowed him to strip her of her coat while still searching his face for her answers. "El? Seriously?"

"I don't know what underwear you're wearing today."

"I'm not sure I understand how that's relevant to us both getting through the day?" she asked, muting her impatient irritation and managing a level smile.

"It isn't, it's not at all. I just don't want it always to be about just getting through the day. That's all we do anymore and it scares the hell out of me."

"El I don't have time to stand here and….."

"Make the time Olivia, please? You don't think it's important but trust me you don't realise how much it matters until it is until it's too late. Until you've already let go of the reigns."

"I….."

"I used to know what underwear you were wearing because you used to get dressed in the bedroom."

"It's just quicker right when I get out the shower…."

"I know that and I know it's quicker when you grab food to-go instead of eating breakfast with the kids. I know it saves you time ordering your coffee on the way into work than it is standing drinking it with me before you leave. Better still I know that it's easier for you to finish up your work in your office instead of bringing it all home but you know what? When you used to do that we could distract you."

"That's kind of why I stopped…."

"We could drag you out into the back yard to throw a ball around. We could order pizza and lure you away from the case files. When the kids weren't here I could manhandle you into that bedroom and….."

"So what? You're saying you want me to work from home more?"

"I'd rather you didn't work late _or_ work from home but I'm a realistic guy so I'm setting a low bar here…."

"Elliot…."

"I'm saying that I have unspeakable respect for my Captain and unending gratitude to the mother of my kids but _damn it_ I miss my wife….." being honest with her the way she had always begged him to be, heartrendingly honest and open and every bit as attractive to her in that moment as those early days at the 1-6 Elliot shrugged, "… I miss you, Liv."

"I didn't go anywhere, babe….." she softened, moving into him, holding his face gently in her hands, "…. I'm right here."

"Are you though?" asked Elliot, and though Olivia hugged him, kissed him, reassured him in that moment she knew that the conversation was far from over.

As she left the house, buzzing cell phone and documents case in hand his words went with her. Of course she knew when she got home he would be there, he would help her with dinner, they would wrangle the kids together and he would talk her down from the stress of the day as they climbed into bed; but that was beside the point. Revisiting the conversation over and over throughout the course of the morning she found herself realising that she missed him too. She missed the way they used to talk about anything and everything but the kids and the leaking garage roof and whose turn it was to nag which kid to do which task. She missed the way that love making was more than a rushed grope or a task to be accomplished before she could succumb to exhaustion on an evening. It wasn't that she wasn't just as in love with him, every bit as attracted to him as she had been in the early days; just that life had somehow gotten in the way. Once Johnny Arliss was safely in Rikers, she vowed to herself, she would give the situation her full attention.

* * *

"They're just happy that you won the case, that's all!"

"Who won? Johnny sure as hell didn't and I know _I_ didn't win shit Bambi!"

"Of _course _you did! Fin and my Mom and Alex? They got their guilty, that's winning. Johnny is going to jail where he can't hurt you or anyone else ever again, that's winning! Why are you acting like you didn't want this? You were the one who testified against him!"

"Do you think I don't know that? D'ya think I don't know that I did this to him?"

"Calvin!"

"You shouldn't even _be_ here Eve. I told you not to come, not that you ever listen to a damn thing I say."

"That is not true and how dare you….."

"How dare I? You're a real piece of work you know that!"

"I'm here because I freakin' love you, you idiot! We're all here because we care about you!" cried Eve emphatically, throwing her hands in the air and shaking her head in disbelief. "Don't you see that? Can't you believe just for one second that all those people in there aren't celebrating just because they won a case but because they're you're family and Johnny going to jail is good news and…."

"They are NOT my family Eve!"

"Calvin come back here!" balling her fists Eve's blue eyes were wild and wide as she chased Calvin down the courthouse steps. "Don't you shout at me! Don't you walk away from me!"

"I can't fucking do this anymore!" yelled Calvin, throwing off the chains that had bound him during the preparations for his court appearance. "I can't stand in there shaking hands and slapping each other on the fucking back because Johnny won't ever see the light of day again. I can't throw a fucking parade because my cousin is gonna rot away like my Dad!"

"I didn't mean….."

"He's a rapist, he's a thug, he's trash, I know that but he also taught me to ride a fucking bike. He helped me with my homework and he is the only son of a bitch who ever sent me a fucking birthday card."

"Cal….."

"I did what they wanted. I did everything they asked because I'm not a moron."

"Not one single person ever said you were and _least of all_ me."

"I know right from wrong but the truth is I'm more like him than any of you. Look, I helped them win their case, I helped them put my brother in jail….." he shrugged, ripping at the knot of his tie and dragging it loose as he turned to walk away, "….just don't expect me to be fucking happy about it."

"He was your cousin not your brother Calvin and you are _not _like him."

"How can you be so sure of that Bambi?" he asked, turning back and shaking his hair sadly. "You've only known me twenty minutes."

* * *

"_Vete al infierno!"_

"_Tex it's not worth it let's just go."_

"_He is the best goddamn quarterback this team will never have and you're a fucking idiot! You haven't seen the best of him!"_

"_No, no Miss Mendoza I am very aware of that. I saw potential, I saw the makings of a football player who could make the NFL one day but do you know what I see now?"_

"_Texas come on….." reaching out and grabbing at Texas' jacket hem Calvin rolled his eyes and staggered between feet, "… quit it."_

"_I see a deeply troubled young boy drinking away his talent. Showing up to my practices wasted and throwing away the only chance he has at getting into college with his current grades."_

"_Just give him one more chance?" asked the deeply penetrating, equally troubled young eyes of Texas Mendoza as she stood legs and arms braced to the still cool Vermont breeze. "Please? He'll chance. He'll do better. Just give him one more chance Coach?"_

"_I'm sorry but he's clean out of chances. This is a team and we can't carry him anymore. He's completely useless to us. Calvin I'm sorry but my decision is final. You're off the team."_

"_Fine, fine yeah you know what let's go Cal. We don't have to stand here and listen to this crap."_

"_You loaded right now, son?" asked the kindly eyed coach whose heart broke to let his best player go, but who had been backed into a corner by the board of governors and his fellow coaching staff. "Tell me you're not drunk on my field again and I'll give you one more chance."_

"_Go Tigers…." mumbled Calvin, grabbing Texas' hand and sloping from the field without ever giving Coach King his shamed eyes. _

"_Cal….."_

"_That guy is a fucking pendejo and he doesn't deserve to have you on his…."_

"_I don't even wanna play anymore anyways."_

"_What do you want to do?" she asked, looking across at him as they strolled across the field arm in arm toward the parking lot. _

_Texas Mendoza was not beautiful. Her face was striking but too harsh to be considered conventionally pretty by her female contemporaries. The boys were drawn to her, at least they were drawn to the curves of her small stature and how dramatically more developed she was than most girls her age. She couldn't have cared less about them, however, and she told them so with few words and a steely glare. Her heart had belonged to Calvin Arliss from the moment he had jumped her back yard fence in search of his football. _

"_You." Replied Calvin succinctly. Beer and sex with Texas were the only two things he cared about, they were all that made sense. The numbing intoxication of alcohol and the intimacy and ecstasy of being that physically close to the only human being who had never let him down. _

"Cal? Calvin? Hey, chico wake up….." closing her eyes she pressed her lisps against his and tasted the familiarity of beer, cigarettes and the smoke from an old flame, "… good morning….."

"Texas….." came the half sleeping, half waking murmur as just for a second Calvin slid his arms around her waist and greeted her the same way he always had on homecomings.

"I brought you coffee….." she whispered, her smile against his mouth as her hand wandered under the waistband of his boxers.

"No, nah, no Tex don't…" suddenly awake and painfully sober Calvin held her waist and pinned her against him as he hauled himself up the sofa until he could sit and look her in the eye, "…. we can't. Not this time, not anymore."

"What?" she asked, genuinely dumbfounded. Blinking repeatedly she lay against his bare chest in hot pink underwear and frowned thick, dark eyebrows, "How'd you mean?"

"Everything's different now. Everything's changed."

"I'm not different. I haven't changed….." she said with a warm smile, and that what was so beautiful to him about her; she never had and she never would, "…. we haven't changed."

"But we gotta….." he nodded steadily, skin grazing skin as he leant up against her to fish his t-shirt off the back of the couch, "… put this on."

"Calvin….."

"I don't understand…." it was incomprehensible to her that they could be anything other than they had always been. This was how it was with them. He would wander off for a while but he always came back. He always came home and when he did she and Vivian were waiting for him. It had been that way forever and she had been so sure that one day he would just stay. Being together was an inevitability; it had always just been a matter of time.

"Put the damn t-shirt on Texas."

"What's the point?" her usual devilish cackle was this time more of a nervous giggle, as she stroked at his chest and kissed at his neck. "You're only gonna take it off me again….."

"I'm not dicking around….." he protested, pushing the t-shirt into her chest he twisted out from beneath her. Sliding to the edge of the couch he sat hunched forward, nursing the steaming mug of black coffee she had brought him and brooding into it. Dragging his t-shirt over her head Texas sat for a moment in silence. Crossing her legs under her she folded her arms, took a deep breath and nodded slowly.

"Who is she?"

* * *

"Hey, hey mom, can you open your eyes for me?"

"It hurts."

"What does?" asked Calvin with a weary, yet patient sigh as he patted at his mother's cheek and attempted to rouse her from a narcotic induced slumber.

"Everything."

"Yeah, well, I'm sure you'll take something for it. You made self-medicating your pain into an art form a long time ago.

"Hey! Hey don't talk to your mother like that, kid….." came the tragically ironic scolding from Vivian Arliss as her son pulled back the duvet, lifted her bony, feather light and drug wizened frame out of bed and carried her to the bathroom.

"Can you stand?" he asked, having learned from experience that sometimes she was unable to shower alone. "If you can't sit in the tub and I'll go get Tex to come do the water for you."

"Texas is a good girl."

"Yeah, yeah she is. Mom what the fuck is this?" he knew she took pills and lots of them, he accepted that they may never manage to fully wean her off some form of narcotic but needles were something else. Holding the drained syringe tossed carelessly behind the sink Calvin asked with a quiet, disappointed fury "I thought you'd kicked?"

"I did, I have….." like a new born giraffe, gangly, awkward in gait Vivian stumbled and fawned over her son, grabbing at his face and hands and smiling with gap toothed desperation, "… oh baby boy please, please don't be mad at me! Please! I'm sorry! I'm sorry it was just one slip, just one slip but I got it under control I swear. I swear to you! You have to believe me!"

"I believe you Mom….." sighed Calvin, having long ago learned that Vivian would never have control over the demons in her brain. Arguing with her served no purpose and he hadn't the energy. Leaning over the bathtub he drew the water, not wanting to talk to Texas again just yet, "Get in."

"Okay." Nodding quickly, her eyes darting like a startled animal and her whole body shaking, Vivian obediently removed her t-shirt and sweat pants and climbed into the bath in her cropped top and underwear.

"Smoke it."

"What?" asked Vivian, looking over her shoulder as Calvin gently sponged at her back with a loofah. When she leant forward he could see every vertebra of her spine and noted, since last time he had seen her, her rib cage had begun to protrude.

"The water okay?" he asked, deflecting a moment as he noted the open slice wounds on her thighs. "I can put cold in."

"It's fine."

"I'm trying to get straight Mom. I can't get you money the way I used to."

"You're a good boy."

"Mom you gotta listen to me. We can't put you through rehab again. We gotta keep you alive on Texas' tips and me fixing up cars and cleaning toilets for cash in hand or I'm gonna wind up in the cell between Dad and Johnny."

"Your father was a good man and Johnny was a sweet, sweet boy until…. "

"What are you on smack or something…" shot back Calvin with a black smirk, widening his eyes and surviving on black humour, "…. oh, shit, wait…."

"Don't laugh at me Calvin….." swallowed Vivian bitterly, her painfully dark eyes turning to her son and shaking her head with a pitiful whisper, "… don't laugh at me, son."

"I'm not laughing at you, Ma…." exhaling heavily he leant into the tub and pressed a kiss against her temple, as though a parent showing tender affection to a child, "… I didn't mean it I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry."

"Ma I can't stop you using. I know you need it and until I figure out how to make legal money I can't change that. We just gotta keep you alive long enough for me to come up with a plan, okay? I'm not asking you to stay clean I'm just asking you, I'm begging, I'm begging you….." reaching into the water and fishing out her arm he laid it on the bath rail upturned, tracing a finger along the devil lines in against her paper thin skin, "…. no needles. Please Mom, no fucking needles."

"Calvin….."

"I can get you off the junk but I can't cure fucking AIDS so quit the damn needles okay?"

"I'll try, honey. I'll try I promise….." laying her hand over his on her arm Vivian smiled weakly, "… just say you'll start coming to visit us again? Give me something to live for?"

"Mom don't do that….." hair falling in his face, hiding his anguished expression Calvin mumbled, "… don't."

"Texas misses you too….." playing the two cards she knew she still held Vivian's smile grew wider, "… more than she'll admit."

"I'll come visit…." he heard himself say, meeting her eyes with a nod and heading back down the rabbit hole, "… smoke don't stick and I'll come around more I promise."

* * *

"I didn't think you'd come."

"I said I would."

"You've been gone three days….." and every single hour of them had been torture for her thought Eve, hands propped against her hips, arms and face dappled with shadow as they stood together under the bleachers, "…. I was worried about you."

"You don't have to worry about me Bambi."

"I don't have a choice in that….." she replied quickly, every movement they made, every muscle flex was just a dance of avoidance so desperate where they to get their hands on one another. Eve stood her ground however, she wasn't powerless to him. Her heart was his but her mind was still her own.

"I'm fine."

"Well I'm not. You had no right to yell at me that way Cal."

"I told you not to come. I asked you one thing: don't come to the courthouse."

"Ugh!" she shrieked, muting the sound level so as not to share their argument with her fellow cheerleaders still jumping up and down in the distance. "This is like Groundhog day! Are we really just going to have the same fight all over again?"

"Eve I am trying here, I am _trying _so fucking hard and you don't make it easy. Your Mom is the best person and I know and the only person on the planet I can stand to take charity from but I _will not _become your little project too."

"That isn't…."

"I'm living with a fucking cop. Fin is cool but I gotta watch what I say and what I do and it is fucking exhausting. I'm cleaning Wall Street toilets to pay rent and I'm learning about baseball to try make your Dad hate me less."

"Cal…."

"I am a fucked up nineteen year old with a junkie Mom, murder father and a rapist cousin and I am dating a sixteen year old princess who is her Momma's baby girl and her Daddy's world. Not wanting you at the courthouse wasn't me shutting you out Bambi; it was me trying to protect you. From who I am when I'm not trying to be something and someone else for you and your family.

"But I don't want you to be something or someone else for me!" she protested, not even sure what they were fighting about anymore only that she would do anything to make it stop. Even concede the argument if she had to.

"Bambi if this is going to work out then at some point I gotta get up off the fucking mat."

"Okay."

"I'm so in love with you it's too easy to let you run this thing but that will never last. I can't keep apologising for who I am all the fucking time.

"And I don't _want_ you to….."

"You gotta let me separate where I've been from where I wanna go now. Part of that is you letting me stand between you and all my shit. I swore that I wouldn't let you get hurt by this and I can't do that if fight me when I try to protect you."

"I'm sorry."

"You're so smart, you're so pretty and smart and you think you know it all but you don't and this isn't some shitty movie. I'm not the bad boy with a leather jacket and a Harley who, like, gets detention or whatever. You can't even imagine how dark things can get and there isn't a chance in hell I'm gonna let you find out."

"I…."

"You're the one good thing I got Evie."

"Cal….." falling into his arms and melting into his chest like butter into hot toast she buried her face in his t-shirt, "… don't say that."

"You, your Mom, your family they're all connected. I can't fuck this up. Will you help me not fuck this up?" he asked, so open and honest and so earnest in his plight she nodded in immediate reply. "Will you quit fighting me and just trust me when I tell you not to ask questions you don't wanna know the answers to? And when I say don't show up you gotta stay at fucking home, okay?"

"I'm sorry….." she swallowed quietly, fighting so hard against tears and willing them not to fall so she might not seem childish to him as their relationship faced its first test, "…. please don't be mad at me? I only wanted to help. I just wanted to be there: for you."

"Close your eyes."

"No…." drawing perfectly arched eyebrows to a defiant frown she shook her cheer ponytail.

"You're so annoying….." he snickered, shaking his head and leaning down to catch her lips on his, "… fine, keep them open."

"Ummmm….." she murmured deliriously, finding out for the first time what it was to kiss and make up, and losing herself in the spiralling possibilities of his hot mouthed kisses.

"Eve you're not a child and I won't treat you like one but….."

"Is that a promise?" she gasped breathlessly, feeling his warm hands skin against skin on her back as hers tucked under the belt of his jeans.

"I wouldn't be doing this with you…..." and there it was, that fire, that spark, that electricity that shot between their eyes as they stared at one another, "…. I wouldn't be doing _that_ with you…."

"Hey!"

"I don't care if you're sixteen or sixty it'd be the same deal. It's not about how old you are it's about how you haven't learned how to hate yet and….." finally making her understand Calvin choked beseechingly, "… and I can't steal your innocence as well as your….."

"Calvin Arliss when will you get it into your thick head that anything you got from me was because I gave it to you?"

"Huh…." he smiled, tilting his head and looking down at her smitten and weak at the knees.

"I just love you, that's it, that's all, that's all that matters to me….." she whispered, tightening her hold on him and leaning up to kiss him tenderly, "… I don't know if you stole my heart or I gave it to you but either way it's yours. I'm yours."

"You wanna go check the oil in my truck?" he grinned, shooting her a suggestive eyebrow and grabbing at her from behind.

"Cal!"

"Gimme a b, gimme a l…."

"Calvin!" she shrieked, smacking his chest with exaggerated horror. In truth she couldn't have been happier to have him be so crude. It meant he had been truthful earlier. He really didn't see her as a child. He was confident and comfortable enough that she was a young woman, in charge of her own body and mind to make those jokes and trust she could handle both them and him.

"Nah, nah I'm kidding….." he conceded, leaning down and planting a peck against her cheek, "…. I'll see you after practice, baby."

"No, no they can finish up without me just this once….." she said determinedly, grabbing his hand and dragging him away toward his truck, "… let's go for a drive."

"Bambi….."

"I promise that if you tell me to stay home I will, but you gotta promise me something too? You gotta promise not to use that as an excuse to shut me out because I will show up Calvin. Every single time you'll let me….." holding his hand fast she looked up dead in the eye and vowed, "…. I will show up."

"They're my family Eve. They might not be shiny and perfect like yours but they're what I got. They're my roll of the dice. I'm not gonna be the dick who ditches them to play make believe with the Stablers."

"I know…." she nodded slowly, beginning to understand what her parents had been so afraid of, "… I know and they shouldn't have celebrated the way they did. Not in front of you."

"Whatever."

"Calvin your Mom….."

"What about her?" he asked quietly, as they stood still holding hands.

"I don't know…." she ventured, knowing that him keeping her at arm's length would only ever go so far. She knew he wanted to protect her but if that was at the expense of her really knowing him, and of him being able to trust her with how the darkness affected him then they would never last.

"She used to be a warrior. She was wild and selfish but a fighter. I guess she just lost her fight somehow and now she's just a fragile little bird."

"Baby…." she murmured, it stealing her breath how so often he was behemoth come poet, "… my Mom told me something in Rhode Island."

"I know."

"I know they have that in common. What happened to their mothers. Is that why Vivian….."

"I guess…. I mean I think….maybe….."

"My Mom isn't shiny and perfect Cal….." it startled him slightly, to hear Eve talk about Olivia as though she may not have hung the moon, "… but that's not really the point."

"Maybe Livia just wants revenge on the world, maybe she just bottles up all her hate and anger and that's what makes her so fucking strong I dunno. All I know is that your Mom figured out how to use her darkness to help people….." returning Eve the biggest I love you too Calvin possessed he confessed, "… mine is just letting hers eat her alive."


	18. Angel Flying Too Close To The Ground

"Are we going to let her go?"

"I don't know….." extracting her head from the top load tumble dryer and pulling a face Olivia frowned, "… are we?"

"Olivia I've been married to you for over a decade. I know how this works. So you decide what we think and I'll sign my name."

"Elliot!" she protested, a little hurt by the accuracy of his allegation. "That is hardly fair. We make all the big decisions together you _know_ that. Don't give me that crap. You don't want Evie going to Coney Island with Calvin? She doesn't go."

"Babe, hey, Liv….." grabbing at her hand he stroked at her knuckles with his thumb and smiled apologetically, "… that was me joking. I was being a wiseass. You know I didn't mean it."

"Do I?" asked Olivia, swallowing slowly. The truth of the matter coming down to just how many times she knew he had compromised for her over the years. How many times she had put the job before their marriage, how many times her deep rooted demons had won out against his calm logic. "El do you feel like you don't have a voice? Do you feel like I railroad you?"

"No."

"Only I know I get my way….." she couldn't fight a smile, so warm and loving and entirely forgiving were his blue eyes as they danced across her face, "…. almost always."

"Well that's true….." removing the laundry from her other hand he grabbed both wrists, dragging her arms to encircle his waist and then drawing her in for a reassuring cuddle.

"If that was your attempt at convincing me I'm not some kind of brow-beating control freak it was pretty pathetic."

"Liv you are the shrewdest mind I've ever met, you know our kids inside out and back to front and you're all heart. I don't let you call the plays because I'm hen pecked, just because I trust you. Also because you really like to get your own way and I really like not fighting with you."

"Hey!"

"I know I have a voice and you know I use it when I really don't agree with you. I just picj my battles. That's how it's always been and that's how we've gotten this far without killing each other."

"Use it more often…" she said softly, appreciating his willingness to let her steer the ship but knowing that they were far stronger as an equal partnership, "…. don't let me win for an easy life. Easy isn't always right. Fight me like you used to. You know our kids every bit as well as I do and I trust your gut just the same way you trust mine."

"Liv….."

"I know you're boxed into a corner. I know there is a whole lot of history between Calvin and I and you're trying to be sensitive to that but I need you not to be. I still see him as the lost, hurt little boy I let down all those years ago but that clouds my judgement on him now. There's too much at stake."

"He's a good kid….."

"Is he?" he was stunned by this, looking deep into her eyes and knowing just how much it hurt her to question Calvin's character that way. It was hard to watch but also profoundly moving to see her love for Eve outweigh her lingering guilt and desire to help Calvin. "I know he's trying. I see that. I admire how he's working so hard to turn his life around but are we really sure he's there yet? Or are we letting our baby girl walk into fire here?"

"Damn it."

"What?" she asked, stealing back one of her hands and raking side bangs from her eyes. Staring at him, lost in troubled thought, without a single idea how hard he was falling in love with her all over again she waited for him to speak.

"You just really are the best person I know. I'm pretty glad I married you."

"You gotta be my eyes here, El. You gotta let me know if I've got my blinkers on because of how badly I want to believe that Calvin can be good enough for our little girl. Only if he's not _say it_, babe, please? Don't let me make a mistake here. Don't let me get distracted by how much I care about that boy and lose my head." Chewing on her lip she shook her head slowly side to side and sighed, "I need _you_ to call the plays on this one. Don't listen to me."

"Okay who are you and what have you done with my wife?" he teased, before knowing just how badly he needed her reassurance and sobering to a sincere nod of agreement. "No, no but seriously I hear you. I get it. And don't think I'm afraid to call you out on your crap. I just don't play my veto card unless it really matters, you know?"

"I know….." she nodded, leaning up and kissing him with soft smiling lips, "… I know that you're still more than capable of being a pain in my ass."

"She can go to Coney Island."

"She can?" asked Olivia, trying on for size being the one to let her partner take the reins for once. "We're okay with letting him drive her up there and spend the whole day? On the beach? On the rides? Probably in that bikini I still have nightmares about her wearing in public?"

"You bought her the damn thing!" chuckled Elliot, having never felt as old as he had the first time Eve had worn it to lay out in the yard.

"You're not the only one who can get played by your puppy eyed little Mouse!"

"Liv I'm every bit as scared as you are, trust me. All I can see in my head are all the things Kathy and I got up to when we first started dating, all the mistakes I watched my other girls make and how it'll probably end in heartache but she's gotta do the first love thing at some point and….."

"We gotta let her go….." nodded Olivia with an accepting smile, "… we gotta let her trip and fall and learn how to get back up again."

"Within reason…." qualified Elliot, narrowing his eyes and smirking, "… and I _will_ beat on that kid if he hurts her."

"I just keep thinking about how we have _never_ been perfect. How you have hurt me and tested me and driven me to insanity and back again and….."

"Is this going someplace? Do I make a gallant comeback anytime soon?" he teased, not feeling that her narrative was particularly flattering to him.

"You were a pig headed, angry son of a bitch and you were married. On paper making our partnership an affair was the worst idea I ever had and if I'd been my mother I would've told me to run like hell….." closing her eyes and realising the perfect ecstasy and agony of love, life and motherhood Olivia sighed heavily, "…. but then I think of Evie and Sam and our life now and who the hell am I to judge my daughter if she says she loves that boy?"

"I really want to call her a kid, I want to tell her she knows nothing, I want to tell her she hasn't the first clue what she wants or how she feels but then I picture you at her age and I can't do it. If someone had told you at sixteen you couldn't do or have something would it have stopped you?"

"Not a chance in hell….." admitted Olivia, meeting his eyes as they both acknowledged Eve was every bit as headstrong and wild as she had been.

"From the moment Mouse figured out she had free will parenting her as just been damage control and disaster management and I hate to say it babe but that isn't gonna change anytime soon."

"I won't be held hostage by my own child Elliot. I won't be afraid to have her hate me if it keeps her safe."

"I agree but I gotta tell you it's a whole lot easier to keep a handle on this thing when she's being honest about where she is and what she's doing. The moment we start to fight her and throw up roadblocks she'll go underground and we'll lose all control."

"So Coney Island is a yes?"

"A conditional one. There'll be rules, there'll be a curfew and I might just remind Hercules when he comes to pick her up that he doesn't want to find out what taking us on looks like."

"Okay, okay I can go with that….." relieved to have a co-pilot at her right hand Olivia felt herself relaxed, "… that makes sense."

"Good talk, partner."

"Oh and I meant to say before, I was speaking to Fin and he was saying how you're getting him to work your shift next Friday. How come?"

"I'm going away for the weekend."

"What?" she asked, returning her laundry loading task as he casually revealed the scheme he had been conspiring with their co-workers on for the past few days. "Where to? Who with? How do I not know about this as either your boss _or_ your wife?"

"Cape Cod, with my overworked boss and two awesome kids….." grabbing at her waist from behind Elliot twisted her around, pressed her up against the dryer and grinned, "… and because I only let you _think_ you wear the pants in this marriage."

"We're going to Cape Cod?" oh how little she cared about anything else in that moment. How little it mattered how on earth she was going to cover her own absence at the precinct, how they were affording an impromptu mini break, how they were justifying taking the kids out of school, or how risky it was allowing Elliot to book accommodation when they took a trip. "All of us?"

"You wanna know the best part?"

"Better than a surprise mini break? Did you use Trip Advisor like I told you after that crack den you booked us into in Chicago?" at first flashing a wry smirk it then spread to a wide smile from ear to ear that he had stepped up so boldly. "I could get used to you calling the plays."

"I Trip Advisored."

"Not a verb but continue….."

"The hotel couldn't get us two rooms close to each other so the kids are on an entirely….." leaning down he kissed her slowly, teasingly, unable to keep a smile from his lips, "….different…" folding her into his arms he stuck a hand under the waist of her jeans and grinned, "… floors."

"Oh it's a done deal you're just gonna run this show from now on….." she groaned blissfully, closing her eyes and drinking in the increasing ardency of their laundry room clinch.

* * *

"A kumquat."

"You're just being dirty."

"Nah-ah…." grinned Calvin, lying with his head on Eve's stomach and squinting against the sun at her with a beer in hand, "….. I'm dead serious."

"So you telling me that if you were any of the billion fruit options you'd be a kumquat…." leaning up on her elbows, her light skin tanning to an attractive olive in the summer sun as she lay out on the Coney Island beach Eve rolled her eyes, "…. and it has _nothing _to do with the fact it sounds like….."

"Would you rather I was a banana?" waggling his eyebrows up and down Calvin took a swig of beer and held it in his mouth, then swallowing it slowly exhaled with loud satisfaction. "Ask a dumbass question Bambi, get a dumbass answer."

"I think I'd be a strawberry."

"Ugh you're such a girl."

"Because strawberries are so notoriously female?" she asked, sitting up so abruptly his head fell back against the towel covered sand and startled him.

"Get back down here you're my pillow!" came the disgruntled chunter from Calvin as his head bobbed up and down and he craned his neck to find her.

"I'm burning..." announced Eve, her long dark hair scrapped up into a pile at the crown of her head and her face entirely free from makeup and any care in the world. Rummaging in her beach bag she pulled out her sun screen and, with a swift and unflinching extraction, she replaced the beer bottle in Calvin's hand with it. "Make yourself useful."

"Bambi you know I hate this crap it's sticky."

"Okay _now_ who's such a girl! Besides, this crap is a whole lot better than skin cancer so man up and do my back….."

"I'm pretty sure you'd be a pineapple. Prickly, a tonne of unnecessary effort….." dragging himself up from the sand Calvin straddled her from behind, uncapping the sun lotion and rubbing a dime sized splodge between his hands, "… and fucking high maintenance."

"So here's the thing…" knowing how to melt him in her hands like the lotion in his Eve tugged swiftly at the ties around her bust and neck and cupped her cleavage in her hands, turning her head and shooting him a suggestive smile over one shoulder, "… you wanna rub that on me or not?"

"Or you could be a coconut. Rough and stubbornly solid until someone cracks you open….." massaging broad palms over her warm skin Calvin leant down, inhaled the smell of summer and kissed at her shoulder, "…. when you're all creamy and…."

"Oh! Gross! You are disgusting!" she shrieked, horrified, but not at all surprised. He was a teenage boy and she was more than forewarned as to all that entailed.

"Here, sit still, you're kinda red, I wanna do this right….." and then there he was, unknowingly reeling her right back in again with a sincerity and deeply loving concern that far outweighed his mischief and playful teasing, "…. you should put a shirt on it's like noon already. That sun is fucking strong."

"I'm too hot for a shirt!" she laughed flippantly, as he re-tied her bikini top and re-capped the sun screen. "I can't believe how awesome the weather is. It's still technically spring but its baking today."

"Yeah, yeah and _you're_ baking today. Take your own advice, wiseass ….." leaning back and grabbing his soft, grey cotton shirt from their pile of stuff Calvin draped it around her shoulders and then hugged her close from behind, "… too hot is also whole lot better than skin cancer."

"You'd be the pineapple."

"Huh?" he asked, sliding his arms around her waist as their legs caught the sun, nested in a perfect V. Smiling to herself she kicked her feet up to her bottom and knelt forward, turning around to face him in her blue denim cut offs and his shirt over her bikini.

"Because you have all this crazy hair….." she laughed, running her hands through it and messing it fondly as he just let her, "… like the spikey bit."

"Kumquat….." he mouthed, grabbing two bear like hands around her ribcage and lifting her up onto his lap where she instinctively straddled his waist and locked her legs around him. As he retrieved his beer she stroked absentmindedly at his chest, rippled muscle warm and tempting as it tanned.

"Because you're so hard and tough on the outside but if you can get past that to what's inside….." falling against him she pressed her mouth lightly against his, tasting on his lips and beer on his tongue, "… you're surprisingly sweet."

"Shut up."

"Hey!" pulling back she frowned and pouted wildly, "That was me being super nice to you. That was romance right there, jackhole!"

"You got anything worth stealing in that 747 you brought down here?" nodding his head at the large bag Eve had brought with her full of girlie essentials Calvin smirked, "Or'd you leave your money and shit in the truck?"

"What is this? Are you, like, trying to rob me or something?" asked Eve, pulling a face and not understanding where he was going. It wasn't the first time, as so often Calvin had entire conversations in his head and only used three words were thirteen were necessary. She, on the other hand, always preferred thirty just for good measure.

"Bambi if I was gonna take your shit do you really think I'd ask you first?" he groaned, entangling himself from her and getting up from the sand. Removing his jeans he raked back his hair and just stared down at her for a moment, drinking in the long limbs and how utterly breath-taking her face was when she was completely natural and smiling.

"Well I….."

"I just don't want anyone plundering your giant kit-bag while we're gone."

"Gone where? And you weren't complaining about my _kit-bag_ when I was smuggling your beer all the way from the….."

"Gone swimming….." he grinned devilishly, cutting her off mid-sentence as he dove down and grabbed her at the waist and knees to scoop her up into his arms.

"Cal! No! Put me down! Right now!" kicking lightly with her legs and swatting him with wayward little hands Evie writhed and wriggled but was ineffectual against his tight grip and heavyset frame. "I don't like getting wet!"

"Didn't hear your complaining last….."

"CALVIN! You are SO bad….." but also so, so good she felt her heart exhale as she buried her giggles in his neck and gave up all protest as he carried her down the beach toward the breaking water.

* * *

"Hey look, look there it is I knew I saw it….."

"Which one?" asked Eve, straining her eyes and looking up at the dark night sky intently as attempted to to find the constellation. "Where? I don't see it…."

"Orion's Belt and start there…. then one…. two….." she wasn't looking at the sky, only at him as he stared up transfixed. The way the moonlight emphasised his chiselled jawline, how when they were alone together his blue green eyes lost some of their sadness and became open to the possibility of more. His skin, like hers, had caught the sun and he had never looked more handsome to her than he did in that moment. This wasn't just a high school crush, it wasn't puppy love; she was in love with this boy.

"What are you most afraid of Cal?" she heard herself ask, and pulling his gaze down from the stars he looked down at her. Lying on his chest, wrapped tightly in his arms as they snuggled under the blanket together she suspected he wouldn't answer but smiled in the hope that he might.

"Dolls."

"What?"

"They're fucking terrifying. Eyes that blink with, like, eyelashes and shit. That's horrific. Little people are awesome but their dolls are messed up."

"Little people?" she puzzled, almost deliberately missing his meaning, "Like dwarves?"

"I don't think it's very appropriate you call them that."

"Cal!"

"I meant kids you idiot….." rolling his eyes and licking at her ear because he knew she hated it and deeply enjoyed watching her squirm Calvin chuckled to himself, "… how about you? What are you scared of? Apart from tiny spiders and low flying birds? And, like, your own shadow?"

"Shut _up_ asshole!"

"So what you're telling me Evie G isn't scared of anything?" he tested, the arm draped around her shoulders tracing soft finger spirals against her neck.

"I guess I'm most afraid of disappointing my Mom and Dad."

"Never gonna happen."

"They've always been just right there, you know?" though he said nothing the fact that he had no idea what that kind of support would feel like hung unspoken in the air as he simply smiled loving back at her and waited for her to continue. "They always made me believe I could do anything and be anything I wanted to be and it's just a lot sometimes. My Mom is my favourite person in the whole world and I think most of all I just want to be like her."

"I hate to tell you but I think that's pretty much a done deal."

"There's gotta be something else you're scared of?" she deflected, stroking at his chest and turning her face inward to kiss it through the thin cotton of his t-shirt. "Apart from dwarf dolls."

"You're such a little dork…."

"I'm serious. I showed you mine…" she murmured softly, twisting around in his arms until she was laying on her front with her stomach flat against the bed of his truck and her chin resting against his chest, "…. show me yours."

"I thought you just wanted to cuddle tonight baby….."

"Calvin!" she scolded, thwacking his arm and rolling her eyes.

"Don't make me do this Bambi. You know I hate talking about shit like that. I'll listen to you forever but I don't wanna…."

"What are you most afraid of?" she whispered, barely audible as he watched her lips form the word shapes. Reaching down both hands he twisted his fingers into the belt loops of her denim cut-offs and dragged her up by them until she was close enough to kiss.

"Close your eyes."

"No."

"Bambi….." he growled, holding his mouth against hers and biting ever so gently at her bottom lip, "….close your eyes."

"Okay…." she swallowed slowly, her heart racing and heat flooding under her skin as he silenced her with a deep, devouring kiss.

"Not being good enough."

"What?" she gasped her mouth hot and lips swollen as she pulled back and locked his eyes intently through the darkness.

"I'm most afraid…" he spoke slowly, ardently, his voice a deep gravel, "… of never being good enough for you."

* * *

"I think I need to go back to Seattle for a while."

"Got to?" tested Olivia, her hair pulled back and her reading spectacles halfway down her nose as she half listened to Detective Taylor with her eyes still on her case files.

"I need some time Captain. I think I need to take some personal time and just really get myself together. Figure out what I'm doing with my life."

"What you're doing with your life?" asked Olivia, removing her glasses and balancing them on her head. Looking quizzically across at her young detective she hesitated a moment before venturing, "Is this about what happened in the squad room the other day? With Rachel Warner?"

"You heard about that, huh."

"It can't have been easy for you to have her share something with your co-workers that you weren't ready to."

"No m'am."

"Don't m'am me Georgia….." dismissed Olivia with a sigh, "… I'm your Captain not your Queen."

"Sorry."

"You know I've fought really hard these past five years to not draw comparisons. It served no purpose and it wasn't fair to you. You are your own person and any resemblances physical or otherwise were….."

"You think I'm like her?" asked Georgia, small voiced and wide eyes as she looked to Olivia. Never more in the whole time they had known each other had she reminded the older woman more of Amanda Rollins.

"You're smart, you're quick, you're fiercely intelligent but you're so damn eager to please it is killing you Georgia. You are fighting _so hard_ to be something, to be someone I'm afraid that you're losing yourself. That you're trying to be everything to everybody and you haven't stopped once to ask yourself who you want to be to yourself."

"M'am…. I mean…. Captain….."

"I won't bite Detective Taylor….." softening her demeanour Olivia removed her glasses from her head and leant her elbows forward on her desk, "….whatever you have to say…."

"I feel like I'm drowning."

"Georgia….."

"I don't want to lose it. I don't want to embarrass myself or be unprofessional in front of my Captain I just….."

"I wasn't always Captain, you know? For a long time I was just a lost, lonely detective trying to figure out who the hell she was. Trying to lose herself in her work so she didn't have to face the reality of having find herself outside of it…" hearing herself almost talking to her thirty year old self Olivia sighed with an empathetic smile, "….and there is more to life than the badge and gun, sweetheart. Take it from someone who took way too long to figure that out."

"I just don't know who I am…." leaning forward in her seat Georgia cupped her head in her hands and began to sob bitterly, "… I don't think that I ever really did."

"Oh sweetheart, sweetie it's okay….." forgetting rank and title Olivia got up from her chair and moved quickly around her desk, gathering Georgia up in her arms and holding her gently, "… it's okay, it's okay sweetheart."

"Why didn't she want me?" and there it was, almost a decade after Amanda's death the question she had been so bravely fighting back. "Why did she have to die before I even got a chance to meet her? All those years! Why did she never look for me? I was right there that whole time and I….."

"Sweetheart it so much more complicated than you can ever imagine and I _know_ you were cheated out of asking Amanda all of these questions but….."

"Am I just doing this because of her?" sniffing staunchly Georgia gathered herself, pulled herself together and took a long steadying breath. Then, meeting Olivia's kind brown eyes she asked herself the question she had no idea that her Captain had spent a lifetime asking herself, "Is this all for her? Being a cop? SVU? Am I doing this for the right reasons or is it just all part of some pathetic attempt to pay it forward?"

"I can't answer that for you I can't, but honestly Georgia I don't think the answer lies in Seattle either. If it did then you wouldn't have come to New York in the first place."

"When did you figure it out? Oh I'm sorry, was that out of line I…."

"Honestly?" said Olivia, ignoring the overstep on Georgia's part and giving of herself to help her detective the way Cragen had so often done for her. "I think that it started when I met my husband but I don't think that I really figured it out until my kids. I was born to be their mother and had known it for the longest time."

"I wish I knew who I was born to be…." laughed Georgia grimly.

"Maybe this isn't my place but it seems to me that for all Rachel's timing and execution could've used some work her intentions were good. Her intentions were more than good. She put her marriage, her career, her whole life on the line to let everyone know just what you mean to her….." cutting close to home, remember how long it had taken Elliot to find his backbone Olivia smiled steadily, "…. maybe you can't find the answer because you're asking the wrong question."

* * *

"Hey."

"She awake yet?"

"No, no she's still pretty out of it. It'll take her a while to come back from this one….." sad Texas quietly, closing the door to Vivian's room and walking across to where Calvin was sat on a plastic bucket seat across the linoleum hallway. Though she had stayed long after her shift had ended on hearing of Vivian's latest overdose she was still wearing her nurse's uniform, her choppy layered bob pinned back into a neat bun.

"Talk me through it."

"It's done now, she's okay, you don't need to…."

"Yeah, yeah I do." Nodded Calvin slowly, his elbows braced against his knees as he leant forward with a hunched hostility to the world. "Don't shit me Tex. This isn't our first rodeo, remember? Just because you wear that uniform now doesn't mean you get to treat me like a fucking idiot."

"The paramedics picked her up at in the alley outside Norma's. She was tacycardic so they hit her with midazolam in the ambulance and hooked her to a lorazepam IV as soon as they got to the ER. She was hypothermic and dehydrated but not nearly as bad as last time so it didn't take them as long to get her stable."

"I just can't fucking believe we're here again….." muttered Calvin, allowing his hair to fall over his face and hide the greyness of his skin and the red rimmed agony etched around his eyes.

"I know, love. I know….." soothed Texas, sliding her hand into his and locking it with her fingers.

"Actually that's bull. I _can _believe it. I'd be shocked if she'd stayed clean."

"We'll take care of her, hon. We'll look after her. Vivi tried so hard this time but I worked a double because we were so slammed here and so I wasn't home when I was supposed to be. It's my fault. Blame me, not her."

"Tex….." lifting his eyes to his oldest, dearest friend Calvin simply shook his head sadly, "… no."

"She's alive, Cal. Hold onto that. We got another shot. God gave us another chance to make it stick this time and I got a good feeling. This time is the one, this time she'll be strong enough."

"It's been _one more chance _my whole fucking life. It doesn't mean shit. You know it same as I do. She's the cat with ninety nine fucking lives. I thought she was dead today. When you called to say she'd OD'd again I thought for sure this was it. We'd run out of time."

"Don't you dare give up on her Cal. Don't you dare. I never will. As God as my witness I will walk every step of the way with her: with both of you. She's gonna beat this, she can kick it, she can, she's stronger than she thinks and I can help her. I can get her clean I _know _I can."

"This isn't on you Tex. She isn't your responsibility. It's too much….." he closed his eyes, and when he opened them she saw rare tears behind them, "…. and I know you wanna save her the way you couldn't save your….."

"When morning comes she'll be one day clean and sober….." ignoring his pleas she nodded resolutely, turning her own tears away from him and vowing, "… and that's a start."

"Texas….." he murmured softly, lifting up a hand and dragging at her chin until she turned her eyes to his.

"It's not over till they're in the ground."

"You're something else….." he laughed grimly, his hands shaking as he stroked away her tears and leant forward to kiss at her nose and forehead, "… you know that?"

"I _am_ pretty awesome."

"Shut up."

"I'm kidding."

"I'm not….." he swallowed, pressing his forehead against hers and taking comfort in her familiarity and her unwavering, uncomplaining resilience, "…. thank you for loving my Mom. Thank you for never giving up. I love you Tex.

"Love you too….." whispered Texas, drawing him into her arms and holding him while he cried silent, stoic tears of exhaustion and desperation and clung to her as they chased the vapour trail of Vivian's fading star.


	19. The Price That You Pay

"Put it away."

"One second…."

"No, no not in one second. Not after you send one more giggly little text to that boy. Right now….." leaning up out of his chair and grabbing at Eve's cell phone Elliot was relentless in his insistence, "… gimme."

"We're bonding Vee." Stated Sam with a smug little brother smile.

"I'm _here _aren't I?" protested Eve, rolling her eyes and shoving her phone into her jean pocket with a huffy fold of her arms. "Right? What was _so important _that it couldn't wait till I finished myreply?"

"Oh like you're text was so important! Letting Cal know what colour your underwear is this morning and…."

"Woah Nelly!" holding up both hands with an expression of abject horror Elliot shook his head swiftly from side to side. "That isn't something a father needs to hear over breakfast. That is not something a father needs to know _ever _come to that. Mouse do not be texting Calvin Arliss any details about your underwear and you know what else?"

"What?" she smirked, knowing he wasn't really mad and that simply the three of them squabbling over breakfast was bonding enough.

"Don't be a wiseass."

"So what are we gonna do today Dad?"

"Well, when your mother finally arises from what can only be described as a coma at this point….." chuckling fondly to himself at Olivia's well deserved lie in that had wandered well into the morning Elliot sat back in his chair, "… we're going to go hire some bikes and take an awesome family ride through the Rail Trail to…."

"I hate bikes."

"You hate anything that isn't sucking face with Tarzan."

"Oh don't _you _start!" groaned Eve, rolling her eyes and shooting Elliot a withering glare. "That's your fault, you know? He got that from you. Always calling Cal stupid names."

"Bikes are non-negotiable. If I can get your Mom back on one after what happened in Hawaii last year then Mouse you can just man up and…."

"Oh my God I forgot….." as both his children dissolved into fits of giggles Elliot managed to defend Olivia's dignity for all of three seconds before guffawing loudly and helplessly joining them.

"It could've happened to any of us it really could. Like I was right behind her if she hadn't hit that ditch then I probably would've so….."

"But she just kept freakin' rolling!" howled Sam, holding his stomach and tipping his head back at the memory of his poor mother taking a very unfortunate hillside tumble on their last family vacation.

"Remember how drunk she got that night? Treating herself for the 'shock' she was in….." biting her lip and grinning widely Eve conceded, "….okay, no, you're totally right. If Momma can get back on a bike after that level of humiliation I think I can handle it."

"And then later on the two of you are going to entertain yourselves with the movie channels in your room while I take your mother for a romantic dinner in that little Italian we walked past yesterday. There are going to be candles, there is going to be a modest anniversary diamond and I am going to ply her so full of red wine that tonight…."

"Daddy!" shrieked Eve in horror, closing her eyes and squeezing them tight.

"Ach don't be such a little hypocrite Vee!" admonished Sam, pulling a face at his sister. "If you're bangin' Arliss you can't be such a prude about Mom and Dad…."

"Oh no! No, no, gross! Old people having sex is weird and parents having sex is just wrong on so many levels that…."

"Hey! Hey less of the old Mouse!" heckled Elliot, with a defensive little smack at her hand as she leant over to spear his last mouthful of pancake. "And paws off my food!"

"Wait your wedding anniversary isn't until Christmas so…."

"Okay I'm done, I'm out, I do not any further details….." getting up from her chair and deliberately messing Sam's hair on her way past Eve flashed her father a loving smile, "… and I didn't mean to call you old. You're a regular fountain of youth Daddy-O."

"The more you talk Mini Mouse the longer that bike ride is lookin' at being."

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, okay! I take it all back…." she giggled, before her face fell to genuine sincerity and smiled, "…. you know I want to wind up just like you and Mom with someone one day."

* * *

"She's worth every cent dude..."

"What the….." by the time Calvin had had chance to process the man's words he was already halfway down the driveway toward his car. Frowning, puzzled, he turned between the open doorway of his mother's home and the stranger exciting it.

"Tex?" he called, wandering through the living room and collecting up some of the abandoned liquor bottles scattered around like ornaments. Tossing the ash from a tray into the trash he retrieved a still burning butt and relit it with a lighter emblazoned with the Lone Star flag. Smoking it to its conclusion he heard the shower running in the bathroom and scuffed his boots toward the sound, "Texas you almost done in there? We gotta, like, figure out a plan or whatever."

"I'll be two minutes!" came the strange, strangled voice that called out in reply. Stubbing out his cigarette against the doorframe his hand released it suddenly, his heart dropped, as his eyes set on the wad of cash and empty powder foils on the Texas' nightstand.

"TEXAS!"

"I said I'll be out in a second…."

"You get our ass out here right now!"

"What the hell are you making such a….."

"You promised me….." he swallowed grimly, bile rising in his throat as he saw the light strangulation line around her throat and the handprint bruise on her upper arm as she stood dripping in a towel with her eyes boring shamed holes in the carpet.

"Cal…."

"You stupid, stupid….." his face twisting with heart wrenching guilt and regret Calvin's eyes burned with tears as she stood before him, so tragic and beautiful and brave and devalued, "… why'd you do it Tex?"

"We're drowning here, mi amor, in case you hadn't noticed. We've got bills coming out our asses and rent to pay and I'm not nearly done with my diploma yet. How the _hell_ do you think we're gonna pay for Vivi's rehab this time?"

"Not like this!"

"Cal I am _all for _you going straight, truly I am. I am a big fan of you being clean and sober and of this wonderful new life you have with the NYPD Brady Bunch but meanwhile in the real world? The one you walked out on? We're just fucking surviving. We're just doing what we gotta do."

"You don't gotta do _that _Tex…." he replied, calmly refusing to be baited.

"I don't **want** you back here! I was glad you got out! You were an ass before you left! You were drunk and mean and so fucking angry all the time and I didn't even know you anymore. This you? This is the boy I used to know. I don't want you to get dragged back into this hell."

"I can't get out if you're still in Tex…" he mumbled, shaking his hair and shrugging with a quiet choke, "… I can't leave you to this."

"She is **killing** herself Cal!" always having spoken with her hands Texas threw them in the air, startled herself, and quickly clamped the towel back as it slipped. "She is fucking killing herself little by little, day by day and we can't help her. She needs professional help if she's gonna stand any chance of kicking for good and that costs more money than we got, bebe."

"So I'll take another job, one that pays more and…."

"You're already working like a dog and…."

"I'd rather work like a dog than let you be some pervert's bitch."

"Calvin!" she snapped, eyes wild and cautioning. "You are supposed to be going back to school. If you take another job you won't even be able to do your night classes and you'll _never _get your GED."

"Fuck school; it can wait."

"No it cannot and if you'd spent a little more time in class and a little less time getting drunk and screwing around with me then you'd realise that I can make more in an hour than you can in a day and it's just smart math that…."

"No it is not!"

"Why?"

"Because you're not a whore Texas!" he yelled, impassioned in his belief that she was so much more than he could ever make her believe.

"Yes I AM!"

"BULLSHIT!"

"DON'T YOU YELL AT ME!"

"You started it! I know why you're doing this….." tempering his rage Calvin shook his head sadly.

"Do you?" challenged Texas, eyes white hot and blazing. "Only lately it seems like you've forgotten."

"I won't ever forget."

"It could've been any one of us."

"I know that….." he nodded slowly, catching her eyes and seeing the agony that still lay behind them even after the passing of the years.

"Cal I love that you're trying to do better, to be better, truly I do. I love that you're taking classes and going back to school and you've got this great new life with your little princess…"

"Don't do that, don't talk about her like that, don't act like she's….."

"You have _no right _to walk back into our live and judge us by their standards Calvin. We're not like them, your Mom and I, and neither are you. At least you didn't used to be. You were the saddest, loneliest, horniest boy at Burlington High and I fell in love with you despite all of it. I fell in love with you drunk and high and angry and fucked up and she has no idea…"

"I'm not judging you Tex."

"You were there that night Cal. You held me and we held him and he died right in front of us and I would be dead now too if it wasn't for your Mom. She saved my life. I am alive to have this fight with you because of Vivian and I will whore myself out to every man in this city before I let that shit take another person I love from me."

"No you won't….." said Calvin with a quiet, calm but dogged resolution as he folded her into his arms and held her immobilised, "… by God you will not Texas."

"It's just sex Calvin!" she cried mutedly into his chest.

"No it isn't."

"It's not even that big of a deal! We've both slept with enough people to know that's true. I was damaged goods a long time ago so what's a few more notches on the…."

"Shut up Tex. Shut the fuck up talking about yourself like you're not worth a damn."

"Don't, don't….." she protested, as he stroked at her neck and kissed lovingly at her hairline, "…don't be nice to me or I'll cry."

"So cry I don't give a shit. Cry all you want….." she was fighting against it so hard, he could see it in every tensed muscle in her face as her eyes won out against defiance and tears poured down olive cheeks, "…. I'm not going anywhere."

"I know what you're alternative is Calvin and I won't let you do it. I won't let you screw up your clean start."

"I've got some people I can call. Testifying against Johnny hasn't left me a lot of friends but King and T-Bone always need a guy."

"And what the hell am I gonna do when they lock you away too? What the fuck am I supposed to tell Vivi then? That I let them take away her little boy?"

"I'll go to jail before I'll let you fuck yourself up again Tex and don't even think that I….."

"It's not so bad….." she swallowed, still able to smell her earlier transaction despite several showers.

"Look me in the eye and tell me you're not wasted right now. Look me in the eye Texas and tell me you didn't have to get messed up to….."

"I can't do it sober I just needed something to….." turning away from him she wiped her nose on her sleeve and sniffed staunchly, rolling her eyes to the sky and praying to a God she'd never known.

"Boots I said never again and I fucking meant it…" grabbing at her wrist he hugged her tight, stroking at her head and hair agitatedly as she sobbed into his shoulder, "… I could kill you for letting that guy have you this afternoon."

"You haven't called me Boots in forever…." she whispered, fisting a handful of his hoodie and clinging to him with no more strength in her in that moment than a beaten child.

"Go make yourself a shit tonne of strong coffee and sober up…" he instructed, planting a comforting kiss against her temple and giving her one last squeeze before moving away, "… I'll be back later."

"Where are you going?"

"Out."

"Calvin please don't….."

"I'll figure this out. I'll find another way to get us the money."

"Cal?" she called, one last time, chewing on her cheek and understanding just exactly the fire he was about to walk into. "There's an unregistered 9 under my mattress."

"Fuck's sake Texas!"

"Just in case the bastard tried to take more than he paid for….." she shrugged, but he could see in her eyes her soul was bleeding shame and self-loathing behind a thin veil of black humour, "… be safe okay?"

"Tex….." holding the door, one foot out of it Calvin turned back and stared at her with an unconditional love usually reserved for blood kin.

"What?"

"I won't thank you because it's fucked up and I hate that you did it….."

"You're welcome….." she nodded exhaustedly with an affectionate wink.

"Texas I lost the right to a say in your life a long time ago but you're fucking better than letting guys treat you like crap the way I did…."

"I was never your _whore_ Calvin….." her cheeks glistened with fresh tear trails as she smiled through them, "…. we weren't exactly Johnny and June but it wasn't so bad, was it?."

"No, no it wasn't all bad….."

"Actually when I think about it you were a drunk and I was fool so we were actually not all that different than the Cash trainwreck but I was in love with you so….."

"Lock the door behind me and don't do anything else stupid until I get home, okay?"

"Okay…" doing as she was told for once Texas padded barefoot to the door and held it open to watch him walk down the driveway to his truck. Resting her temple against the plywood she cried bitterly, hugging an arm around her waist and shuddering in shame and disgust and hopeless, helpless unrequited love, "I am _still_ in love with you Calvin Arliss."

* * *

"You want some pie?"

"This isn't pie!" smiled Olivia, unwrapping Elliot's to-go dessert and investigating its contents.

"Is so…." he countered, reaching down and pinching his thumb and index finger around a smudge of chocolate goodness, "… Mississippi's finest Mud."

"Oh really? I thought you got the cheesecake….." she stood corrected, nursing the box while he continued to fill his face.

"I was gonna but then you prefer chocolate so I figured….." stalling mid-sentence to fully appreciate the majesty of what he was tasting Elliot flashed a brown toothed grin, "…. but forget that idea this is _way _too good to share."

"Remember when they told you how you were borderline diabetic last year?" slanting an eyebrow northward she removed temptation from his grasp and set it down on the opposite side of her on the bench.

"If you knew how freakin' good that tasted you wouldn't be so cruel….." with sticky chocolate fingers he reached to her face, and she gave a mild protest until his hungry kisses tasted better than the dessert alone ever could have.

"Ummhmm….." she murmured, several long, heady moments later, "… wow."

"Good cake, huh?" he knew she had a sweet tooth, but he was quite unprepared for the sudden presence of her hand on his thigh and the way her tongue slid past his teeth and danced a teasing tango with his own.

"I know I had several glasses of wine with dinner but….."

"Yeah, yeah no and I am _definitely _going to order you dessert more often…." he gasped, coming up for air and feeling as deliciously deviant and torturously teased by her wandering hands and bedroom eyes as he had a decade earlier, "…. I don't really know what is happening here but….."

"What is happening here is that dinner was great, the candles, the eternity ring, it was all beautiful….." underneath it all, all the PTA meets, homework, chores, daily give and take of marriage was the same carnal urge that had conceived Evie in an elevator, "…. but I really just think you should take me back to that hotel room and….."

"O-livia!" he laughed, surprised, delighted, mesmerized by just how wonderfully his plan was working out.

"There is a door with a lock and high thread count sheets and a whirlpool tub and we have at least thirteen hours until we have to remember we have two children so do you want to sit on this bench and eat your pie or do you want to….."

"Eat _your_ pie?"

"I….." for a moment she was stunned, lightly appalled by his crudeness, but then gradually the corners of the mouth twisted to a smile and then a cringing laugh.

"Yeah, yeah, no that too far, even for me that was….." closing his eyes and grimacing Elliot got up from the bench, then reaching down for her hand dragged Olivia up after him, "… so let's just move on and…."

"Nearly three decades as your partner and one as your wife and I think this might be the first time I've ever seen you blush Elliot Stabler…."

"Has it really been that long? Damn it I'm getting old."

"And a little kinky with it….." she teased, tossing the remaining cake into the garbage as they passed and then reclaiming his hand.

"You know I sat at breakfast and judged the hell out of my kid for not being able to stop texting Calvin for longer than five minutes but I dunno….." with a sighing smile he held her hand fast as they headed back to the hotel and mused, "…. sometimes I'm scared I'm just a hypocrite."

"We're not sixteen years old El…." she pointed out, turning to him and quipping wryly, "… your filthy humour might be but…."

"You ever think some things are just a done deal though?" shrugging lightly Elliot said that which he would never dream of saying to his daughter, to his wife. "I mean as that baby girl's Dad I wanna kill the boy but I can't help thinking if I'd found Little Miss Benson sitting on a wall at his age…."

"You'd what?" she asked, because she could already see in his face she would adore his answer.

"Liv my biggest fear is that if I'd met you at nineteen they'd have had to prise you out of my cold dead hands. My biggest fear is that if I'd met you when I was just an angry, messed up kid I'd have done whatever it took to be with you. To hell with the world and everyone in it: I'd have kidnapped you and driven you over the Mexican border in a hacky sack if I'd had to."

"You want to know my biggest fear?" she asked quietly, meeting his eyes with her own misty gaze. "You wouldn't have had to. I'd have been driving the car."

* * *

"Wow."

"I'm sorry."

"You are?" panted Eve breathlessly, her chest heaving and her heart racing as she lay collapsed against the backseat of Calvin's truck in the aftermath of a shaken world.

"Was I rough?" growled Calvin with a gruff flection in his voice, turning his head and setting his eyes on her through the darkness. "Too rough?"

"No…." she mouthed, not entirely sure quite what had just happened only that it had been thrilling and daring and her whole body was hot and aching for him, "… no you were…. it was….."

"You're so fucking beautiful….." he murmured, rolling onto his side and propping his head up against one elbow while reaching down to stroke her flushed face with the other, "… so fucking beautiful Evie Grace."

"I love you….." was all she could say, all she could feel, it poured from her veins, burst from her lungs, screamed in her ears and dripped from her tongue as she grabbed his hand and pulled him down on top of her, "….more than anything."

"Can we just stay here?" he murmured with strong, solid built arms wrapped in a tight lock around her tiny waist as he held her close; his light at the end of the tunnel, his little beacon in the night.

"Till when?" she laughed softly, kissing at his chest and tangling her fingers in his hair.

"Till forever….." bending his neck he kissed at her temple and cheeks until she lifted her mouth to his and kissed him devotedly, "… forever and ever just me and you Bambi."

"You okay?" she asked, knowing him well enough to grow suspicious when he spoke so openly of his feelings. She knew he loved her, she just knew better than to expect him to say it in as many words. "You don't normally talk like this."

"Whatever."

"You're not drunk are you?" she thought suddenly, finding his eyes and knowing the answer before he gave it.

"Only on you."

"Shut up!" she giggled, then sobering suddenly she found their rhythm, took up her bat and hit the ball right back at him. "Although I _am _pretty incredible in bed it turns out."

"You're pretty incredible period….." he murmured, kissing at her nose and closed eyelids, their intimacies so tender and loving, "… but yeah, no, who knew you could be such a little firework Bambi."

"It's you…." she confessed so excruciatingly vulnerable, naked an exposed in his arms, both body and soul laid bare, "….you make me feel things I didn't even…. you make me feel alive…."

"Me too."

"Cal I don't care what anyone says I _would _stay here with you forever. I can't imagine ever wanting anything but this…" holding her lips against his, kissing him softly and allowing herself to melt into him entirely she breathed, "… anyone but you."

"I think maybe we might have to leave sometime."

"Like, to pee?" she asked, shimmying down slightly and lying against his chest.

"Yeah, yeah that. And, you know, to finish high school or whatever. Plus I've heard that colleges kinda make you to show up to a few classes before they give you a degree."

"Oh really? They do. That sucks."

"I mean you could talk to Brown…." he smirked, kissing her hair and chuckling to himself, "… see if you can't phone it in from the backseat of my truck."

"I think they'd be cool with that….." giggling she shook her head and rolled her eyes back, "… you're such a dumbass."

"Bambi I gotta go…" he said suddenly, catching sight of the time and feeling his stomach drop.

"Go?

"I gotta be someplace…." he answered vaguely, reaching down into the foot well and retrieving his jeans.

"Where?"

"Nowhere you need to worry about."

"Cal…." suddenly the moment soured as he hunched over, wriggled into his pants and dragged on his t-shirt, the whole while avoiding her eyes as she quietly dressed herself.

"You good to take the subway home?"

"You're not going to drive me?" it wasn't her being demanding, he just so rarely let her take the subway after dusk.

"You got money?" he asked, tapping distractedly on his cell phone. "There's change in the ashtray if you need it."

"Thanks…." she hated taking it from him but she hadn't expected to have to find her own way home and she had no cash on her, "….look did I do something? Did I say something to make you mad?"

"No, no course not…." he felt bad now, only he had caught sight of the time on his phone and realised how he was going to be late to his rendezvous point, "…. course not." Repeating the phrase he reached out and stroked at the small of her back as she leant herself over the gear box and rummaged for quarters.

"So where are you suddenly having to rush….." her hand resting on the passenger seat for balance she dropped her gaze into the holdall under the dash, widening her eyes as they settled on a terrifying black shape inside it, "…. baby what is that in your bag?"

"Nothing…" he lied, opening the door and gesturing toward it, "….. you ready to hit the road?"

"Calvin I can forgive you screwing me in the back of your truck and then sending me out into the night like a hooker but whatever the hell it is you're planning to do with that gun I swear I….."

"Evie don't….."

"If you fuck up they won't let me see you, they won't ever let me see you again….." hot, desperate tears rose quick in her eyes and throat as she fell back onto the backseat and locked his eyes, "… and I will _never _forgive you for that."

"Don't say fuck Bambi."

"Don't do it? Please? Please, please I am _begging _you whatever it is that you're planning on….." hugging herself around his neck she held him fast, buried her face in his neck and pleaded, "… there has _got _to be another way?"

"There isn't."

"I can help you! What? Is it money you need? I can get you money! Are you in trouble? Because my Mom and Dad they can protect you and….."

"Get out my truck Evie. Go, just go….." pushing her away, peeling her arms from around his neck he shoved her out the open car door and refused to look her in the eye, "…. just go."

* * *

"Where the hell have you been?"

"Out."

"Lose the tone, son. Drop that shit right now. You don't get to live under my roof and fucking disrespect me."

"Whatever….." nodded Calvin slowly, sloping across the kitchen with heavy scuffing feet and searching the refrigerator for a beer.

"We're dry."

"The hell?" pulling a face, forgetting himself, forgetting who he was talking to Calvin failed to inject the necessary deference into his voice. Fin just stared at him. Dark eyes, searching, playing detective and feeling almost to be looking into mirror and seeing his younger self looking back.

"The repair shop called. Seems like you didn't show up for your shift this afternoon….." said Fin slowly, carefully, treading on the eggshells between the two men, "… you ditch your classes tonight too?"

"I had to be somewhere."

"Where?" knowing just how hard to push and when to ease back Fin fixed Calvin with a determined glare. "Where'd you have to be? Where _have_ you been this weekend? I know you weren't with Eve because she's at the Cape with her family till tonight. You're only ever at work, class or with her. Or are you?"

"I'm going to bed."

"No, nah-ah, no you are not son…." slapping a hand at Calvin's back Fin propelled him firmly toward the sofa and with a generous shove he pushed him down onto it in a drunken heap, "… you're gonna sit there and we're gonna sit here until you start talking. You're gonna talk to me. You're gonna tell me what I'm missing here."

"Nothing."

"Rome wasn't built in a day. I'm not an idiot Calvin. I get it. I understand better than you know. You think it's always been a freakin' picnic for me? When I joined SVU I was lined up beside a Catholic ex-Marine, a Siena College sorority sister and the smartest man I've ever met. I was just a fuck up from Harlem who nailed narcotics because I knew how that world worked. I was raised in it. Just because you landed in a brave new world and you're trying your damnedest to fit in and do right by Liv and Evie doesn't mean who you were and where you've been just evaporated."

"What's in this for you?" asked Calvin, feeling his grip on resistance slipping in how easy it was to believe that Fin really did understand and really could help him. "Taking me in? Talking like this? What'd you want?"

"Not everyone is after a piece of you, kid."

"They're after a piece of something."

"Wanting to change your life? Wanting to do better, be better? It doesn't happen overnight and it sure as hell doesn't come easy. You will fall back down, you will slip, you will get dragged back into that hole more times than you think you can handle. You can't do this all on your own, kid. Trust me. I learned that the hard way."

"I'm fine."

"Okay, okay I'll take your word….." nodded Fin, recognizing that fierce pride and wilful determination to be a man when inside you trembled like a boy, "… but if you change your mind? I've been in the gutter. I've been where you are. There ain't no weakness in needing a hand up."

"Humph."

"Fact I figured out after it was too late that it takes a stronger man to ask for someone's help to stay afloat…" getting up from the sofa Fin nodded sagely, "…than it does to drown alone."

"Hey? Fin?" swallowed Calvin, raking the hair back from his face and getting up to walk the few steps to stand in front of the older man. Keeping his eyes on the floor, boring white hot holes into the carpet he held his silence a moment.

"Yeah?" keeping his voice quiet, undemanding, patient, Fin waited.

"Man to man?" asked testing green blue eyes as they lifted to meet Fin's and narrowed hesitantly, "I don't want Bambi or Livia knowing shit."

"I can't promise I won't need to _you_ talk to Liv….." ventured Fin cautiously, "…..but I can swear they won't hear it from me."

"Kay."

"Okay….." nodded Fin slowly as he watched Calvin reach one hand into the pocket of his jeans and the other behind his back. Slowly, gradually, with his eyes loaded with hurt and shame and the unending struggle his life posed Calvin held out a bag of white powder in one hand and a loaded 9mm in the other.

"I got a situation….." muttering quietly he went against every instinct in his blood, every tensed muscle in his body and almost choked on the words, "…. and I need some help."


	20. I'd Rather Live In His World

_**In answer to I think it was Jenn's confusion... they had returned from their trip by that point. I think I don't always make it clear that there can be any number of possible time elapses between my chapter divides. I usually try use indicators but evidently I didn't there, apologies! **_

_**Endless thanks for your continued support y'all, and for all the fantastic comments and thoughtful reviews. They really do sculpt and shape and genuinely impact where the story goes next :)**_

* * *

"She won't reply. She won't answer my texts or calls."

"You sent a _child _home on a night subway alone and you wonder why she's not texting you back?" marvelled Fin, shaking his head back and forth with a grim sigh. "Boy you'll be lucky if Liv ever lets you see baby girl again after the stunt you pulled tonight."

"She asks too many questions."

"She loves you, Cal….." and then with a cautioning narrow of his eyes Fin warned, "… and don't you dare make her a fool for that."

"I just needed her gone. She saw the gun. I just needed her to not know where I was going or anymore than she already did. I didn't think."

"I get that but she doesn't. Did you talk to her about it?"

"What'd you think?" asked Calvin with a grim, sardonic laugh. It would not have helped. It would not have been any less destructive in his eyes.

"I know you didn't mean to treat her like a piece of ass and then send her out into the dark alone. You've got some sick, twisted way of going about it but I know you were just trying to protect her. You're still an idiot but…."

"I'll make it right."

"Do you have _any idea_ the risk her parents took on you? Any idea the risk we all took letting you date baby girl?"

"She's not a baby."

"She's our baby….." countered Fin instantly, in a heartbeat and without pausing to draw breath. Vivian called him baby all the time but that was different. Never in his life had he known his mother to be anything other than helpless, any less fragile and needy than a child herself.

"Got it."

"Do you though? Do you?" asked Fin, his hands interlaced and his elbows leant against his knees as he leant forward and met Calvin's eyes. "I held that child when she was just a few days old. I changed her diapers. I held her tiny, chubby little hands as she tried to run before she could walk. I'm not even her father and I want to wring your neck with my bare hands right now."

"It won't happen again."

"Damn right it won't. I know you've got a lot going on Calvin and I will help you with that but we gotta be very clear where Evie is concerned. I don't know what she's told her parents about tonight but you deserve anything they come at you with. You gotta learn that if you wanna date a sixteen year old then you gotta step up. You got ignore her pretty little face telling you she's so grown up because she doesn't know shit about how dangerous this city can be. What the hell would you have done if something had happened to her on the way home tonight?"

"It won't ever happen again Fin….." he repeated, and written all over his face and behind his eyes was just how profoundly Fin's words resounded and how he was acutely aware of his having failed to protect Eve, "…. on my life I swear."

"So about your Mom….."

"Fin you just gotta know…." unable to let the moment escape, finding that for as locked up and tied down as he was there were moments when the cork popped from his bottled insides, "…. I really am sorry for last night."

"I know that."

"I'm not a good person. I've done a lot of things I'm not proud of. I've treated a lot of people like shit. I was an ass to Bambi and I did wrong but I didn't mean it. I would never..….." hesitating a moment Calvin's eyes danced back and forth before finally sliding to meet Fin's, "…. I know what guys can do to a girl."

"How'd you mean?"

"My friend she….." shocked by the sudden and uncharacteristic show of emotion on Calvin's part Fin slid forward in his seat and dipped his head.

"Talk to me, bro?" he asked softly, shaken to the core by how quickly all Calvin's brooding anger and bravado had faded to a jaded, teary eyed despair. "What about your friend?"

"It's like she's just numb to it now. Like she just goes someplace else while it's happening. She just gets fucked up and lets them do it. Let's them do her. When I look at her, when I look in her eyes….." recalling the girl Texas used to be he sighed bitterly, "…. it's like she isn't even there anymore."

"Your friend a pro?"

"No, no she's…" sliding his jaw back and forth Calvin fell silent, chewing on the words and the realisation that that was exactly what he had stood by and let Texas become.

"Cal…."

"I let her down….." the tears rose so swiftly, with such an overwhelming tidal rush that they winded him and gasping and grappling for breath Calvin turned away, hunched over the arm of the sofa and broke entirely in two, "…. I let her down, I let my Ma down, I let every God damn fucking person down….."

"Son, son, hey, hey….." wrestling Calvin into his arms, struggling against his hefty, muscled frame Fin grappled him into a choke hold hug and held him fast until his struggle subsided, "….. I got ya, son. I got ya. You let it go, you let it all go."

"I should **never** have slept with Bambi."

"No, no don't you start down that…."

"Everyone I fucking care about. My Mom, Johnny, Trigger, Tex….." the chokes of his sobs became heaving retches as Calvin's whole face contorted in anguish, "… they all just get fucking broken."

"Calvin this is not on you. None of this on you it just…." just holding Calvin for a few moments Fin closed his eyes and inhaled slowly, wishing desperately that Olivia were there because she would know just exactly what to say, "…. you got this all wrong, son."

"I gotta go home, Fin."

"What?" not entirely sure at what point their roads had forked, but knowing that this was far from his intention Fin shook his head from side to side. "Nah, nah that isn't what I…."

"I appreciate the bed here. Straight up. You're a really, really solid guy Fin and thanks. Thanks for giving me a shot but I…." breathing steadily again, absolved almost by the pressure release of tears now drying Calvin was resolute, "…. I gotta go take care of my family."

"Cal we both know if you go back there now you'll lose everything you've built here. Your classes, getting your GED, hanging out with Evie…"

"I screwed Evie in the back of my truck and then let her ride the subway home like a fucking whore. I don't deserve her. Everything Livia and her Dad said about me was true."

"That's bull and you know it…."

"Classes, playing make believe with you guys, dating a girl I won't ever be good enough for? What the fuck was I thinking? How the hell did I ever think this was gonna work out?"

"Because you…."

"You can plant a weed in a rose garden Fin but it's still a fucking weed."

"Calvin…."

"Texas let a man tie her up and fuck her this afternoon so she could help pay to put my Mom through rehab again and….."

"Texas? That's your friend?" said Fin quietly. "How old is she?"

"Legal, detective."

"Not the point. Not why I was asking."

"The plan was always that I'd make enough money working for Johnny go get my Mom clean and give me and Tex a fighting chance at….."

"First thing tomorrow we fetch Vivian from the hospital and drive her to a treatment centre in Yonkers. I got friends up there. They'll work us out a plan."

"Fin I…."

"You're not going home Calvin. You're not going back to that house. You're staying right here, right under my nose where I can keep an eye on you. Your friend lives with your Mom, right? So if we square away Vivian's rehab she can start straightening her own life out?"

"Yeah, yeah she can do that."

"Right then. You know for what it's worth, my guys up there? This isn't their first rodeo. This isn't the first time they've seen you walk through their doors. This isn't the first time they've had to help a kid be the parent."

"I'll repay you Fin. Whatever you want I'll do it I swear I won't ever forget you doing this and…."

"You think I was always an SVU detective?" said Fin quietly, looking Calvin dead in the eyes and inferring the answer to his rhetorical question.

"Yeah well, just, thanks okay….." nodding slowly Calvin sniffed staunchly and, rounding his shoulders, smiled at the older man and added a heartfelt, "… thank you."

"Calvin I'm gonna tell you something for free right now and I need for you to hear it and to let it really sink in, okay Olivia Benson is the strongest, kindest, most untrusting person I know and I don't need to tell you how she feels about her family. She let you date her daughter Calvin. Elliot and Olivia let you date their baby girl because even though you're an idiot and you make some really stupid choices and some really dumb mistakes you are _not _a bad person. You're just not. They really do believe that….." and then, feeling a stronger connection to the boy in front of him than he had with his own son at that age Fin nodded, "… and for what it's worth so do I."

"A lot."

"What?"

"You said for what it's worth…."

* * *

"Mel if I tell Liv she'll tell Elliot and between the two of them they'll never let that boy see baby girl again."

"I'm not saying it'll be easy. I'm not saying it won't end in someone's tears but I'm just not sure you have a choice. The question is does your friendship with Olivia outweigh breaking the trust of a boy you barely know?"

"He was just protecting her."

"He had sex with a naïve and vulnerable sixteen year old girl and then gave her money to take the subway home alone after dark. That was what he did. If it was Rachel we were talking about he'd never so much as breathe the same air as her again.""

"But it's more than just him not getting in on that 7 Eleven robbery, he came to me Melinda. Of his own free will. He handed over his gun and his gear and he told me everything. Do you have _any _idea what it took for a kid like Calvin to do that? Do you have any idea what it takes for him to trust someone? To trust anyone?"

"You're afraid that if you break his trust now…."

"I'll lose him. I got him, I got him and I'm dragging him back from the edge and I see it in his _face _when he talks to me….." shaking his head sadly Fin sighed, "… he really does wanna make good Mel."

"And what about Evie?" asked a wryly smiling Melinda Warner, taking a sip of her wine as she sat with his feet in her lap on the sofa. "What do we do about Little Miss?"

"You know we all talk about her being so naïve and vulnerable but I ain't so sure I'm buying it. Yeah she's sixteen, yeah she's been kinda sheltered but you know what she's smart. Liv has raised that girl shrewd and strong-minded and with that same sixth sense about people she's always had."

"Even if that is true she is still in high school."

"Baby girl isn't stupid….." sliding his mouth to a smirk Fin quipped, "… despite being half Elliot's"

"Fin, darling, _everyone _is a stupid in love. Don't you forget that….." she cautioned, picking lint from the cuffs of his sweat pants and smiling fondly, "…. and when will you ever cut poor Elliot a break. He's not stupid and amongst other things he's the most frighteningly honest man I've ever met. He's not afraid to call a spade a spade."

"He's also not afraid to punch someone's freakin' skull in."

"Elliot would never physically harm Calvin, not even for disrespecting his little Hamster."

"Mouse."

"I know….." replied Melinda, flashing him that staggeringly beautiful smile he so adored.

"I just don't think it'll do any harm is all. I mean in the great scheme of things was what he did really so bad? Was it any worse than how a kid her own age would treat her? Was it any more or less than _I_ did at that age?"

"I'm not sure I want you to answer that question. I think little enough of you as it is."

"Hey!"

"Fin what if I moved in here instead?" she asked suddenly, leaning over his white sports socks to set her glass down on the coffee table as he stared at her dumbstruck. "Oh don't give me those eyes."

"But your fancy apartment…."

"I know."

"What about all your cactuses?" he asked, reclaiming his feet and crossing his legs to stare at her in disbelief. "What about your new Downton Abbey bed and your colour coded kitchen and all the reasons you said you'd never move into my man cave?"

"Cacti."

"No."

"Yes, it's Latin."

"Yeah well I'm talkin' English and last time you corrected me I Googled and…."

"You Googled me?"

"No I Googled the correct plural of cactus and….."

"Odafin one of the things I love dearly about you is the unconditional relationship you have with Olivia. You don't commit easily but when you do its binding and I know that you will be there for Calvin Arliss as long as he needs you to be."

"Mel I…."

"I love my cacti and my exquisite new bed and how perfectly organized my utensils are but I love you more."

"You love me?" of course she did, she always had, he just so adored hearing her say it.

"Besides, if that poor little soul only has you to influence him he doesn't stand a chance."

"You're really gonna move in here?"

"Does that sound like something you would be okay with?"

"You can put your cactuses on the kitchen windowsill. They'll get loads of light there."

* * *

"I didn't tell my parents."

"You should have."

"Calvin I don't care that you treated me like a piece of ass."

"You should."

"Okay, okay that isn't true of course I care. You were a total jerk and you're not even close to having made it up to me. But I'll get over it. I know that's not you; that's not us. What I'm pissed at you for is that you _still _won't talk to me about why. I just don't buy all this crap about wanting to protect me. I'm not an idiot so don't make me a fool. How is it better that you're mean and cold and pushing me away than you just tell me you're about to do something stupid to help your family?"

"How did you know I…."

"Because I know you."

"No you don't."

"You must've had a reason to have that gun in your car. You would never break the law just for the hell of it there's always a reason. It might be a dumbass one like wanting to impress Johnny or whatever but just tell me it, just talk to me….." stroking backward at the hairs on his arm and sending a ripple under his skin she asked, "… just be honest with me?"

"I gave the gun to Fin."

"Okay…." that had not been the answer she had expected but it was one that brought her profound relief and a strange and muddled pride. However angry with him she might have been, however hard she might have cried that night on the subway she couldn't bring herself to believe he had done it out of spite. Calvin had an uncanny knack for doing the wrong thing for the right reasons and she trusted that. She trusted him. "And what did he say?"

"He's gonna help me try get my Mom clean. He's found a centre that'll take her up in Yonkers. We're gonna pay for her treatment on a payment plan."

"That's great, that's amazing, that's…."

"I think we should break up Bambi."

"What?" she asked, feeling to have taken a left as the conversation made a hard right.

"You and me, this thing we're doing here. I don't even know. It's just too fucking hard dating you Evie…." and even in trying to explain himself he had hurt her, he could see it in the way she flinched and her eyes clouded over.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" she gulped, as his words smacked her across the face.

"Be honest with you? Tell you everything? You can't handle it Evie. You haven't got the first idea. You got the kind of smarts you get from books. Your GPA doesn't mean shit. I got all their eyes on me. I got everyone of these people who _worship_ you watching my every move and just waiting for me to screw you over. Just waiting for me to fuck up."

"I'll talk to them! I'll tell them to back off and…."

"They're not wrong though, are they?"

"Yes!"

"Bambi your Mom is fucking Livia Benson and my Mom is a career junkie. My best friend used to be this bright, funny, wicked smart girl and now she's just a coke head and a whore and that's my fault. So everything that your family are so afraid of? It's not for nothing. I can't be responsible for that. I can't have another fucked up life on my conscience."

"Did you force this friend of yours to take drugs?"

"No of course not."

"And did you make her have sex for money?"

"I didn't stop her."

"You can make everything in the world your fault if you think on it enough Calvin. You can blame yourself for your mother being sick, you can blame yourself for the choices your friend makes but the truth is right there. They were _her_ choices, not yours. You chose to testify against Johnny. You chose to ask Fin for help instead of doing something stupid the other night."

"I am no good for you Bambi."

"Yes you are."

"I…."

"You think you're such a bad influence, you think you're driving me off the rails, you think you're ruining my life but you have no idea how wrong you are! My grades are up, I'm a better cheerleader now than I ever was and apart from not telling them that you were an ass the other night I haven't once lied to my parents about you. You know why all those things are true?"

"Cos you're a little dork?" he smirked, as she unconsciously gravitated toward him and stroked at his arm.

"No, no because you make me do my homework before you'll do fun stuff with me. Because you won't let me miss a single cheer practice. And because my parents know they can't do a damn thing about us even I they tried. They learned a long time ago that when I'm in something I'm all in, when I want something I make it happen and when I've made my mind up nothing and no one can get in my way."

"I'm kinda figuring that one out."

"Calvin if you wanna break up because you don't love me and you don't want to be with me then that would suck but I could at least respect you for it. I'd also hate you a lot, but, well anyways, my point is that I think you're just running scared."

"Scared?"

"You call me the child, you tell me all the time how I'm sixteen and I don't know shit but I think you're fucking wrong."

"Don't say fucking, Bambi."

"Ugh!" she squealed, throwing her eyes heavenward in frustration.

"Carry on…"

"I did everything right. I've been honest with my parents. I got on birth control. I never lie about where I'm going and I never miss my curfew. I am so freakin' legit they should use me on some kind of sex-ed DVD. You don't get to bail on us because you've decided I can't handle your messed up life. You don't get to decide what I can and can't deal with. You don't get to decide that we're breaking up because we're not fucking breaking up and….."

"Don't say fucking, Bambi."

"I hate you so much right now!"

"Evie…."

"Cal I don't hate you at all….." she sighed, stepping forward and circling her arms around his waist, laying her cheek against his chest and hugging tight, "… please tell me you don't really want this to be over?"

"I don't want this to be over….." he murmured, surrendering to that which was preordained by some higher power, folding his arms around her, and kissing at her hair lovingly, "… I don't ever want this to be over Bambi."

* * *

"Sweetheart I know this is impossibly hard, believe me I do. I know that you just want us all to go away and leave you alone but you have _got_ to trust me that even though this is the last thing you want to do right now without a rape kit we can't…."

"I wasn't raped."

"Sweetie….."

"It was my fault."

"Oh honey….." sighed Olivia, dragging one of the blue plastic chairs from the edge of the cubicle and setting it down beside her victim's bed, "…. if only you knew how many times I've heard that line. If only I had enough words to tell you how _completely_ not true it is."

"I was drunk. I was….." rolling her eyes sideways, pining them on a smudge of dirt on the partition curtain and boring them into it the young woman swallowed guiltily, "… other stuff than drunk."

"Doesn't matter. Not an excuse."

"You don't get it…."

"Try me?" soft voiced, like honey or syrup or anything that might melt quickly into warm pancakes the bruised and battered woman felt as though she had known this police officer her whole life. There was something so deeply, profoundly, heart rending in the kindness of her eyes and the gentle effortlessness of her manner.

"It's just sex."

"Okay, okay so how about you talk me through everything that happened from when you left the house tonight and….."

"The only time it wasn't just one body part into another was with him….." where before she had been strangely detached, disconnected from her obvious trauma the victim was now fighting tears.

"Him who, honey?"

"Look I wasn't raped okay. I swear it. That isn't me in denial, that isn't me being too ashamed to tell you the truth. I'm not that girl. I'm not a victim."

"I know you think…."

"No, no due respect m'am you don't know me at all. Yes I was drunk, yes I was fucked up but I let him take me into the bathroom. I let him fuck me. I let him. I didn't say no, I didn't tell him to stop, I didn't give a damn. The only reason we're here now is that he tried to steal my gear and I tried to stop him."

"So he beat the life out of you?" sighed Olivia, closing her eyes and rubbing at the light throbbing sensation creeping at her temples. Just one more year, just one more winter, just one more case. Was she getting too old for this?

"I am_ fine_, detective."

"I don't believe that for a second, sweetheart. Not one second. I want to believe you though. I want you to let me help you bring the man who did this to you to justice. Regardless of whether the sex was consensual I don't need to get you a mirror to see what he did to you. Two broken ribs, a fractured wrist, cuts, bruises and that's before we start to talk about what's going on inside."

"I don't need your help. Due respect."

"Is there someone I can call for you at least? Someone you can stay with? Do you live at home? With friends, or?"

"Nope."

"Can I at least get your name? So that if we get any leads on this man you say you don't remember then I can….."

"Now then sugar we gots us a few things to talk about, you and me…" throwing back the curtain and breezing into the cubicle a rotund African American nurse flashed a bright smile and handed the victim a juice box.

"Orange and mango, right?"

"You're an angel."

"We ran your bloods, rushed the lab work….." arching an eyebrow at Olivia the nurse added wryly, "… your NYPD friend here is _quite_ the insistent one, aren't you Captain Stabler?"

"I…."

"Sugar it ain't any of my business what you and the detective here talk about but my job is to take care of your health. I can fix up your cuts and bruises no problem and we'll get a cast on that arm real soon but I think you might wanna give that boy on your lock screen a call…."

"You have my cell?" but as the young woman attempted to get up from the bed to search for it sharp, agonizing bursts of pain shot through her body and pinned her back down against the pillow.

"I appreciate your efficiency nurse but you really don't have the authority to be looking at a victim's phone to…." began Olivia, before the bustling nurse shimmied past her to attend to the victim's wounds and nudged her out of the way.

"She's not your victim 'till she's done being my patient and…."

"Are _you two_ done?" sighed the young woman, rolling her eyes and brushing back the curls from her eyes with an IV fed hand.

"Your panels were clean. Your tox screen left a lot to be desired but I don't think that is going to come as a surprise to you….." smiling kindly the nurse reached for the young woman's hand and held it gently, "…is it, sugar?"

"Not really."

"There was just one thing from your bloods that I wanted to….." hesitating a moment, flashing her eyes at Olivia and then back to her patient the nurse waited.

"It's fine, she can hear I don't care…" shrugged the girl, closing her eyes and then shooting Olivia a wry little smirk, "… she's a real nosy anyways so…."

"I'm only trying to…."

"I didn't mean it bad m'am."

"Sugar I know it's been a hell of a day and I don't know if this is gonna be something you…." still clutching her hand the nurse swallowed slowly and the ventured a nervous smile, "… only you're pregnant, honey child."

"What?"

"We'll have to do an ultrasound and run a few other tests to figure out how far along you are but…."

"No, no that isn't…"

"It's okay, it's okay sweetheart…." moving back into the picture Olivia took up her other hand and murmured soothingly, "… we're here to help you."

"Texas what the fuck were you think….." came a voice from around the other side of the curtain.

"Calvin?" her jaw dropping a hundred stories Olivia released her grip on her victim's hand and stared dumbfounded.

"Livia?" he swallowed, his eyes wide as candy saucers as he looked between the two women.

"It's lock screen boy!" beamed the euphoric nurse as the rest of the room simply stared at one another in a gripped silence, no one able to exhale their held breath.


	21. The Greater Good

**_Hello again! Another update to keep you going ;) Just to note, as one of you did, that I am aware that El and Liv have been taking somewhat of a backseat at the start of this chapter of the saga. It is partially intentional and partially not, but either way will naturally remedy itself very shortly. They have some real meaty challenges to contend with on the horizon. A storm is brewing ;) I think they have been backgrounded slightly to allow for me to set up Calvin, Texas and Eve in their own right so far. Now the carousel will turn slightly for Fin, Sam, Liv and El to step up a little more. Fear not! Of course the other three will still be in on the action, but I just wanted to respond to those of you who commented :)_**

**_Thanks again for the R&R, you're awesome!_**

* * *

"Hey Stabler there something going on I should know about?"

"You mean there's something going on in this precinct you _don't _know about Detective Tutuola?" laughed Elliot, his shirt sleeves rolled up and his collar unbuttoned as he sat at Georgia's desk and skimmed through his notes from earlier that day.

"That's the second time this week the doctor's office have called for Liv."

"You think she's pregnant again?" quipped Elliot drily, having long ago become comfortable with the teasing he had incurred for having so many children so accidentally. "Should I be looking to mortgage the house?"

"They were pretty intense. They said they've been trying to get her in for another appointment for weeks."

"She's still over at Mercy on that night club case from this morning."

"Night club case?" asked Fin, having only arrived to start his shift at lunchtime and evidently missed this particular callout. "Dude your handovers are seriously lacking. How the hell did you ever get back in this unit?"

"I married the boss."

"20 shitty little hours a week and you can't even tell me where the Captain is?"

"You never asked."

"Seriously? She's been gone hours…."

"Girl got the crap beaten out of her at Flaming Red last night. Bathroom stall, drugs, the time of night…." shrugging as he attempted to recall all the details Olivia had given before departing earlier Elliot finished, "… she thought she recognized the MO from a case she worked last year so she wanted to handle this one personally."

"She's gonna work herself into an early grave if she doesn't stop trying to be Detective Benson _and_ Captain Stabler….." noted Fin, and Elliot said nothing because it was nothing he hadn't repeated to Olivia ad nauseam, "… she ain't no spring chicken anymore God love her."

"Raising teenagers makes SVU look like a cake walk. I'd forgotten how exhausting it is. I'm getting too old to keep up with their games."

"Sam's fairly low maintenance though, right?" asked Fin, dancing around the question he really wanted to ask.

"Yeah, yeah he's a great kid. They both are."

"Baby girl doing okay too?" not entirely sure what Eve had told her parents about recent events Fin was careful not to say too much. "She hasn't been round at my place to see Calvin lately….."

"I'll be honest I kind of hoped this thing the two of them have going would've fizzled out by now but…"

"Now not so much?" genuinely surprised Fin couldn't believe Elliot of all people seemed to be coming around to the idea.

"I dunno I guess I just see how happy Mouse is and I figure maybe it's not as bad as we all made out, you know? Like I _want _to be so against the whole deal but every one of Maureen's boyfriends was boring as sin, Katie dated the mentally unglued for at least a decade and Lizzie's longest relationship to date was with a married man. Calvin might not be catch of the day but he's just her high school boyfriend. When she goes off to college next year they'll be over anyways so I figure…."

"You don't worry about her around him?" because it was what they were all thinking, all feeling, all fighting off because of how endearing Calvin was despite his baggage.

"Course I do but she's not marrying the guy! The second her grades drop, the second she starts sneaking around or he starts making her miserable then they're done. I will call time so fast that boy's head will spin. Until then…." shrugging with a grudging acceptance Elliot smiled, "… what can you do, you know?"

"Ugh 1PP again….." noted Fin, seeing the number flash up on screen as he ignored the phone ringing on his desk , "…. I'm gonna go grab us a coffee and donut and I'll call the Cap on the way and find out what's going on at Mercy."

"Black one sugar and a half glazed half chocolate.

* * *

"It's gonna be okay."

"Is it?" laughed Texas bitterly, as Calvin made his way quickly across the room and grabbed for her hand.

"Course it is. You're gonna be just fine, you're not on your own I'm right here. We're gonna figure this out….." perching on the side of her bed he stroked at her hair and face and spoke with a softness in his voice that Olivia had only previously heard him reserve for Eve, "… whatever you wanna do. I got you, you and the baby."

"I think that I need to get some air."

"Livia…." said Calvin, having momentarily forgotten about Olivia's presence on the other side of the bed. Looking across and meeting her eyes he lost his words a moment.

"Calvin I don't even know what to…." chewing hard on her cheek Olivia felt herself ride out so far past anger and frustration and disappointment she could barely hold herself together.

"It's not his."

"Tex don't….." warned Calvin, holding her hand tightly in his lap and shaking his hair. Throwing her warning eyes he insisted, "You don't have to..."

"She's your Livia? The one you never shut up about when we were kids…."

"That isn't…." interjected Calvin quickly, mutteringly, as Olivia's eyes widened and filled with glassy tears.

"I love you for wanting to defend my honour….." said Texas with a shrug, and a faraway little smile that grudgingly accepted her own fate, "….but I won't let you lie: especially to her."

"The baby isn't yours?" asked Olivia, the relief she felt rush in tainted by how breathtakingly, heartbreakingly noble the young man before her had just proved himself to be. "But Cal you…"

"He just doesn't want me to have to tell everyone that I don't know who got me pregnant…." folding her arms across her stomach Texas swallowed slowly, "… only that he paid me afterward."

"Oh sweetheart….." sitting herself back down Olivia reached for Texas' other hand, careful not to jostle the drip feeding into the back of it, "…. you don't have to scared to tell anyone that. At least you don't have to be scared to tell _me_ that. Whatever you might have done in the past, however you might have got here, all that matters now is that you are here. You survived today and we can help you now."

"I don't need help."

"Yeah, yeah you do Tex…." acknowledged Calvin, having learned lately the point at which he was out of his depth and heading Fin's advice, when to admit he couldn't go it alone.

"Cal I…."

"You were already gone before I could tell you that I got Mom into a rehab up in yonkers. She's in there for as long as it takes and I figured out how to pay for it without breaking the law and without you fucking for cash….." the words were so brutal, so raw and so silencing to Olivia as she saw a very different Calvin to the one who was so gentle and contained around her daughter, "…. but I didn't shoot up that 7 Eleven to do it. I did it right, Tex. I gave your 9 and your coke to Fin and he helped me."

"That's very noble of you but…."

"It's over Texas. It's done. That way we lived, that life we had. If you and me don't get out now we're gonna end up dead like Trigger or as good as like Mom….." lifting their clasped hands up to his face Calvin kissed her knuckles and pledged, "… so it's you and me now. I will help you, I will look after you but we're not doing things the old way anymore."

"And you really trust these people?" she asked, and Olivia sensed in the way Texas looked at her in that moment that she knew just exactly what her history was with Calvin. She had yet to discover how far these two went back but she suspected it was far enough for her to know she had broken Calvin's little boy heart.

"Yeah…." nodded Calvin slowly, locking Olivia's gaze and turning the corners of his mouth to a deeply loving smile, "… yeah I do."

"I said no."

"Sweetie?" murmured Olivia, stroking her fingertips lightly against Texas' arm and coaxing softly, "What did you say?"

"It's not like I wasn't asking for it. It's not like I'm a fucking saint but I promise you Cal. I promised you I wouldn't and I told him to stop but….."

"Sweetie that rape kit…."

"I really appreciate what you're trying to do for me m'am but I don't want any of it."

"Tex…." ventured Calvin, stuck so perfectly between the two women as he attempted to walk the line.

"Not because I'm scared or ashamed but just because I'm realistic. I'm not an addict but I was high when it happened and they'll know that. They'll know I willingly took drugs and that I'm hardly the Virgin Mary. What the hell kind of chance does a pregnant whore have against a man she doesn't even recognise?"

"Texas, sweetheart, that is exactly the kind of thinking that means men like that aren't brought to justice for…."

"It was just sex. It was just one more fuck with one more man and I don't even care. It's not like he was the first to get rough, it's not like he was the first one whose face I couldn't pick out of a line up. The only difference between the guy last night and all the others was that he didn't leave a tip."

"The difference between the guy last night and all the others was that you told him no, you asked him to stop and that makes it **rape** Texas." Insisted Olivia, refusing to tolerate any excuse for the violation perpetrated.

"I won't press charges. I won't be your victim. I hear what you're saying and I admire your cause, I respect what you're trying to do but I don't want your help. I do just fine on my own."

"You're not on your own…." came Calvin's low, growled determination as he continued to clutch tightly at her hand.

"Okay, okay well I can't force you…." nodded Olivia slowly, gathering up her purse and jacket and setting her business card down on the nightstand, "….but if you change your mind I'm only a phone call away."

* * *

"Elliot you should've seen how quick Cal was to claim that baby."

"I don't even know where to start with how messed up this is Liv."

"I know."

"I can't even wrap my head around it."

"The worst part is I was stood there looking at this brave, loyal, beautiful boy and I was so proud of him. I was so admiring of how he didn't even hesitate before he stepped up and reassured that poor girl that he'd be there for her."

"Which is all very honourable and…."

"I mean the way he was with her was pretty incredible. He really is a gentle giant."

"I know when you're working your way up to a pretty overwhelming but…."

"I can't let him date our daughter anymore El."

"Wow….."

"I feel sick. I've felt physically sick all day about it and I've gone over and over it in my head and my heart but I just keep coming back around to the same answer. I can't let my little girl be part of his world."

"You realise it'll break her heart?" he was on her side, she knew that. Everything about Elliot's body language and the tone in his voice told her so. He just knew what she did, that there was going to be no easy way to break this news to Eve. "This is going to be hell on her."

"What Calvin did today was so noble and speaks volumes as to his character but the fact of the matter is that I stood there and watched him commit to raising that woman's child with her."

"I don't disagree with you, babe. We always knew that this was a huge gamble, a huge risk we were taking letting them even go this far. He's older than her and he let's face it their lives are not exactly on the same page."

"Vivian is in rehab, I don't think this Texas girl is an addict but she's not clean either. Now she's pregnant by a man who paid her for sex. I can't let Evie be part of any of that and still get to sleep at night."

"Then we'll sit her down. We'll talk to her. We'll talk to her like the adult she insists she is and we'll lay down the law. We let it go so far but now it's time to call time. We'll tell her that we know she loves him but that she's sixteen years old and we're her parents and whether she likes it or not we're not going to allow her to date Calvin anymore."

"You'll have my back?" smiled Olivia, profoundly relieved when Elliot squeezed her shoulder and winked.

"I always do…" and then because he knew just what kind of day she'd had and just how hard it was going to be for her to talk to Eve he volunteered, "… heck I'll even start the conversation if you want?"

"She's going to hate us. There's going to be war."

"Raising a teenager is pretty much a constant battle, but I'm willing to fight a war to protect our girl."

"We're not saying she can't ever seen him again. I know that line is blurry. I know we're supposed to set clear boundaries and that's going to be impossible to do here but I don't see a way around it. Calvin is still living at Fin's place and helping him put Vivian through rehab so it's not like their paths won't ever cross again."

"It's gonna be really hard for her to handle that."

"I know, I know it is but Elliot I don't think I can just cut and run and I can't ask Fin to either. I think that for as much as I would never forgive myself for not protecting Eve the same would be true if I let Calvin down again."

"You sure don't like to make life easy for yourself, do you Captain Stabler?"

"Oh Elliot you should've _seen _him today. I couldn't handle it. On the one hand I was exploding inside trying to figure out how I ever let my daughter date him and on the other I was thinking how he might just be the sweetest boy I ever met."

"Calvin Arliss, ladies and gentleman, the dark knight."

"He would've let me believe that child she's carrying was his rather than make her have to admit the truth. Even with all that it would mean. Even with all he stood to lose."

"Are we really sure it _isn't _his?"

"Calvin wouldn't lie to me…." said Olivia without hesitation, with absolute and unwavering conviction, "…. I just know he wouldn't. That kid has a lot of faults but by God he's honest."

"So we talk to Mouse at the weekend?"

"Yeah….." and then because there was nothing more to be said Olivia simply exhaled heavily and nodded, "… yeah."

"Hey, so Fin was saying earlier how the doctor's office had called?" frowning lightly Elliot searched her tired face and asked, "Everything alright?"

"Oh yeah, no, it's nothing I just had a routine appointment the other week and said how I'd been so tired lately so they were running some blood work. I'll call them back when I get chance."

"Is tired all you are babe?" he asked, stroking at her leg and feeling his way along what was always uncomfortable territory for him. He wasn't particularly good with the emotional or the medical and if it was anything decidedly female he was painfully awkward about it despite a lifetime around women.

"Elliot I run an NYPD precinct, my sixteen year old is dating a chisel jawed train wreck and my fourteen year old just got detention _again_ for not turning in his English paper. Tired is an understatement, it's a miracle I'm still vertical!"

"I've been telling you for years you need to slow down….."

"And I've been telling you for years that I'm fine and you worry too much…." she smiled, leaning over and kissing him softly as they enjoyed the calm before the inevitable storm the following morning. 'No' was not a word in Eve Stabler's vocabulary and telling her that she was forbidden to date Calvin Arliss was almost certain to end in tears, screaming and the threat of apocalypse.

* * *

"I just don't….." gritting her teeth so hard Eve felt her temples begin to pound, "…. I don't understand…."

"Texas needs my help."

"But it's not your baby….." wrinkling her nose and knowing his having lied would be the end of her life for sure she whispered, "… it _isn't_ your baby, right?"

"No, no it isn't mine."

"So….."

"You ride a bike?" asked Calvin, his hands sunk deep into the pockets of his jeans and his shoulders hunched as he peered at her through the curtains of hair in his face. "Can you ride a bike Bambi?"

"Yeah, yeah I can ride a bike."

"Who taught you?" he asked, shifting his weight between feet.

"My Dad, my Dad taught me but what has that got to do with…."

"Ride a bike, bait a line, start a fire to roast those weird marshmallow things you like."

"Smores."

"I know Elliot did all those things with you. You told me. Bambi I don't expect you to understand. I'm not saying that be an ass. I just mean that someone raised the way you were can't ever understand why I gotta do this. Nothing bad in that, just…."

"I know you care about her and I love that you do. I want you to help her. I will _help_ you help her you know I will. We can help her fix up a room for the baby and shop for cute little clothes and booties and…."

"It's not enough Evie."

"It could be…."

"No, no it couldn't. Someone has to be different, someone has to make this stop, someone has to end this….." dragging his brows together in a deep furrow Calvin sighed broodingly, "… this fucking circle we're all trapped in."

"Who's trapped in?"

"Texas isn't a junkie. She's strong. She's not like my Mom. She has a real shot at finishing her diploma and being an RN and she wants to keep this baby. Even after how she got it she wants to keep it and that's some freakish kind of brave or stupid I don't even know. All I know is that I grew up with a single Mom who couldn't cope and a Dad who walked away."

"But you're not its Dad!"

"That doesn't matter."

"It matters to me!" her voice high, strained, breaking as she realised that which she loved so dearly was slipping out of her grasp. "You're committing to a girl you don't love and a kid that's not even yours! How is that right? How is that fair?"

"I love Tex."

"But you're _in love _with me!" yelled Eve, her voice sharp as cut glass and her balled fists and teary eyes betraying her. She was painfully sixteen and she just couldn't understand.

"And what happens when you go off to college next year Bambi? What happens when you figure out that you can do a million times better than me and you marry some doctor or lawyer or candlestick maker and I'm just left here waiting like a fucking idiot."

"That wouldn't ever happen, it just won't and…."

"You know what this time next year will look like for Tex and that kid if I don't do this? She'll have dropped out of college because she can't afford to have someone watch the baby. She'll be screwing strangers to survive. She'll be fucked up because she hates herself for doing it and you know what that kid will grow up thinking?"

"I….."

"That it's his fault."

"Cal…." they were breaking up, she knew it then. She knew it in that moment when she looked in his eyes and realised how his mind was made up and not even she could dissuade him.

"She'll ignore him because she can't stand to look him in the eye. He'll think she hates him. He'll think he made her that way. He'll grow up believing that he's the reason everything is just so fucking messed up."

"Texas isn't your Mom…." gasped Eve, throwing her arms around his neck and clinging to him while she still could. Though she may not have understood all the intricacies of his decisions he understood him. She knew he was trying to rewrite history and it was as destructive as it was beautiful.

"Not yet she isn't."

"I love you Calvin. I love you, I love you and I will be in love with you _always _and the worst part about this is that I can't even hate you….." she couldn't cry, she wouldn't cry, she needed to show him she wasn't a child and that she could be strong, "… I **wish** I could hate you."

"I've had the best time with you Bambi. You know we always talk about how you're so young like it's a bad thing but it's not. I'm just jealous. I wish I remember what that felt like. You gotta hang on to sixteen, don't be in such a fucking hurry to grow up…" reaching out he stroked her face, running his thumb down her nose and then pressing it like a button, "… you'll be there soon enough."

"Calvin….." though she had fought valiantly, tears over whelmed her and poured silently from crestfallen eyes.

"I love you Evie G….." sliding his hand to the nape of her neck he drew her in for a lingering kiss and inhaled the last taste of her, "… now go be a kid and just forget about loving me."

"That isn't possible."

"Go inside now…." he choked gruffly, and when he turned away she knew it was because he didn't want her to see him weak, "… go be with your family."

"I'll see you around Cal." Nodding quickly, she didn't touch him again, didn't try to meet his gaze.

Instead she ran up the drive way and threw herself into the house, slamming the door hard behind her and leaning her back against it. Gasping, gulping for air she felt her eyes burn as white hot tears seared her cheeks as her knees went from under her, and she slid down to the floor in a broken heap.

"Liv? Hey, babe?"

"What?" asked Olivia, looking up to Elliot's stricken face in the kitchen doorway as he looked down the hallway to the front door.

"Come quick….." holding out his hand and beckoning her he grabbed at her waist when she was close enough, turning her around and nodding his head at Eve sobbing on the doormat, "….I think someone else started the conversation."

"Will you make me a camomile tea in her Yankee's mug and leave it by the couch? And then go run a hot, hot bath? Use the fancy bubbles on my dresser?"

"What the hell did I do to deserve you…." smiled Elliot with a loving sigh, leaning down and pressing a kiss against her temple and thanking God for her one more time, "… okay, okay I'm on it. Go take care of our girl."


	22. Suspended In A Compromise

"You need to take some personal time."

"I just took a day to go away the other weekend."

"You need to slow down. You need to start taking better care of yourself."

"And you need to stop telling me what I _need_ to do, babe…." warned Olivia, as she and Elliot resurrected one of their favourite fights over the breakfast bar, "… seriously. It's getting really old."

"Liv you have high blood pressure."

"Right now I do!" she cried frustrated, closing the lid on his lunchbox with a particularly emphatic pop. "I made you your favourite sandwiches today. Are you still going to be an ass or do we get to spend the 3.2 minutes we get together without the kids this morning in a fight?"

"We're not in a fight."

"Aren't we? Is this what good looks like to you?"

"The doctor told you that your blood pressure is on the high end of the scale and that you should think about making some lifestyle changes. Whether you like or not something has to go, something has to get cut."

"How about the 200lb pain in the ass I married? Can I cut him?"

"I do not weigh 200lbs."

"You do when you're sitting on my chest making demands."

"Demands? Like trying to stop you working yourself into the ground? I can't even talk to you when you're like this….." sighed Elliot, grabbing his cell phone and keys and waking toward the door rubbing his forehead wearily.

"El wait, hey! Get back here!"

"I gotta get to work….." he replied from across the room, "… my boss is a real stickler for punctuality."

"Elliot…."

"And I hear she's in a pissy mood this morning so…."

"You asshole!" she snapped, shaking her head with quiet fury. "Don't you _dare_ talk to me like that."

"Yeah well you know what Liv how about you stop being so goddamn dismissive for a change? How about you actually listen to me like I'm half of this marriage instead of managing me like one of your detectives."

"You _are_ one of my detectives."

"And you never let me forget it, do you?"

"That isn't fair…" smarted Olivia, though perhaps in truth the accusation cut a little deeper than she cared to admit.

"Life style changes, babe….." he said with a quiet, stubborn sadness as he tossed his jacket over his shoulder and sloped out the door, "…. that quack doesn't get paid all those zeroes for nothing."

* * *

"Fin am I still good to borrow that…."

"Calvin!"

"Bambi…." unable to help but smile at the way Eve's whole face lit up when Calvin entered the room Fin shook his head slowly from side to side. The two teenagers' meetings had been few and far between since their breakup several months earlier, and yet there was still something so primitive about their interactions. So raw, so intense, so tentative and yet so deeply longing.

"Come on in Cal we won't bite…." beckoning with his hand Fin called the clearly uneasy Calvin over to where he and Eve were sat working on her science project together, "….crosshead screwdriver right?"

"Thanks…." came the grateful nod in response as Calvin removed his hands from his pockets and sloped across the living room to stand beside the table.

"I'll go grab it."

"You building something nice?"

"A bed…." said Calvin evasively, his eyes dancing on her face as he tested the truth uneasily, "… kinda, well, a tiny bed….. kinda… for a small person… I guess…."

"You know can tell me that you're building a crib for the baby Cal…." with a sighing smile she rolled her eyes, "… I won't freak out."

"It's a crib."

"I assumed….." she nodded slowly, holding his eyes and then breaking into a little laugh, "… I didn't think you were building a bed for a dwarf."

"Little person Bambi, don't be rude."

"Shut up!" she giggled, wrinkling her nose and shaking her ponytail so perfectly adorably he had to change the subject just to stop how much it hurt.

"What's going on here? What's happening?" clutching his cell phone and truck keys in one hand Calvin leant over the table and played with the various electrical wires and toy sized bulbs and buzzers spread in front of her. "Why is this circuit so fucked up?"

"I can't get it to work and Fin won't tell me what I did wrong."

"It's short. You're missing a….." setting down his things and rearranging some of the leads until the light bulb flashed on Calvin nodded, "… there."

"What about this one?" she asked, jumping at the opportunity to cut what had thus far been a tedious afternoon of physics in half. "And why is the bulb all sad on this side? And the buzzer just makes this lame little fart sound?"

"Figure it out…." he challenged, leaning across and playing with the various components, "… you're the nerd."

"How'd you do that!" she gasped, kneeling up on her chair as Calvin made all the bulbs in her circuit flash on and off.

"Added a switch you loser….." he grinned, putting a spread palm on her forehead and pushing her face backward with a laugh, "… you gotta study this some more, lazy ass."

"You actually know what you're talking about don't you?" she smiled, grabbing at his wrist and holding it just a little too long.

"Your little light bulb is sad because it's sharing the voltage with your farting buzzer. You gotta make it a parallel circuit and bring the resistance down so put this one on here and then…." by gosh he was gorgeous when he concentrated, she thought, holding her breath as Calvin leant past her to fiddle with the crocodile clips, "…. there you go. Try it now."

"So how come you know this stuff?"

"Johnny taught me some stuff around the house mostly but also…." deadpan, a little bashful, and almost reluctantly Calvin confessed, "… I can read books too."

"You've been reading books?"

"I can read Bambi. I'm not retarded."

"Don't say retarded and what kind of books?" she asked, feeling life coming back into her veins being around him again. "School books?"

"Yup."

"You're still working to get your GED? Cal that's great, that's…." suddenly so terribly sad, realising it was nothing really to do with her anymore she added quietly, "… good for you."

"Evie…."

"I got accepted to Brown…." she said abruptly and with a gulp that startled her with its suddenness. It was just a reflex. He was moving on and she had to prove she was too. To herself more than anyone.

"I never doubted they would….." twisting a lopsided smile his eyes just adored her, shamelessly and with every cell of his being, "… you're a rock star."

"How's your Mom? Texas?"

"Three months clean and sober….." shrugged Calvin, and then narrowing his eyes as though to test her ability to hear the second half of his reply he ventured, "… and Tex is having a girl."

"So I guess everything is working out just the way it's supposed to."

"I guess so….." so why did it feel so wrong, he thought sadly. He had so fondly imagined that he had been doing the right thing in breaking up with her. He had been so convinced that she was better off without him and they were stronger apart and yet if that were true why had being around her for the past seven minutes felt like coming home?

"Cal I…."

"One crosshead screwdriver….." announced Fin, bursting back into the apartment after a long hunt for his tool kit in the basement garages, "… I knew I had one buried down there somewhere."

* * *

"Will you get down off that thing?"

"Calvin I'm pregnant not sick…." grumbled Texas, rolling out lemon yellow emulsion across her bedroom, "…. I can paint a wall."

"Not on a ladder you can't."

"Look, come here, swap with me…." setting down the smaller brush he had been painting the window ledge with Calvin crossed the room and manhandled Texas against her will back down the ladder, "… we're not even arguing about this. Just quit bitching and go paint with your feet on the ground."

"I think I'm gonna do enchiladas tonight, that work for you? It'll be a rough meeting for Vivian after that friend of hers OD'd again so I thought I got her favourite ice cream for dessert."

"Yeah, yeah that sounds fine."

"You know you've been kinda off for a couple of days now…"

"No."

"Cal..." she smiled, smearing paint from his jaw with her thumb and rolling her eyes "….you've been lying to me since you were waist high and you're still no good at it."

"You got butter pecan, huh?" he deflected, having inherited his mother's sweet tooth.

"You miss her don't you?" swallowed Texas slowly, a subtle hand gravitating to the round of her stomach as she forced a sympathetic smile. "Evie?"

"Nah, nah I'm just losing sleep over this dumbass test next week that's all."

"Calvin Arliss you've never lost sleep over a test in your whole life and the GED is no exception." She laughed, shoving fondly at his chest and refuting the notion. "Don't even try and use that as your excuse."

"That's not true….." he protested, before flashing that lopsided smile she knew so well and conceding, "… yeah, well, I guess that's kinda true but this time it's different…."

"Because you're doing it for her?" realised Texas, and not for the first time she felt a crippling guilt at the path Calvin was choosing to walk. "Mi amor you're not fooling anyone. I know you're here building cribs and painting walls with me but your head is a million miles away and your heart…."

"Texas shut up."

"I never asked you to do this."

"I know that."

"I don't _want_ you to do this if it's making you miserable! I don't want that hanging over my head. I don't want to be responsible for you not being happy."

"That isn't what….."

"Cal I've loved you for as long as I can remember and if you really do want to do this with me then great but you're not doing either one of us any favours being a martyr."

"That's what you think this is?" he hadn't thought himself that transparent. In truth she had learned a long time ago that for all his silence, for all his brooding paradoxes once you had learned to read and interpret Calvin it really wasn't so difficult to understand him.

"That's what I know this is. You think I was ever under any illusion? You just wouldn't listen to me when I told you it isn't your job to stand between my kid and disaster it's mine. God knows the way we used to fuck like rabbits the chances of us painting a nursery together were frighteningly high but you beat the odds Cal. You're free. You're free to do whatever you want with whoever you want and….." holding her breath for a second Texas verbalised the truth that hurt to admit, "… and you want her."

"I wanna be there for this kid. I wanna teach it stuff so it grows up smart and strong and I want it to know that if anyone ever starts on it I will break their neck."

"That is both sweet and disturbing but…."

"I treated you like shit Texas. I cheated on you over and over and I took you for granted when you were just always there. You were there when no one else was. You're the best friend I ever had and I want to do this for you so…."

"You're my best friend too Calvin but you know what you can do for me?"

"Anything…." he replied without hesitation, "… anything you want?"

"Forgive yourself."

"I…."

"Yeah you screwed around on me, yeah you treated me like a piece of ass and yes you broke my heart. But you know what? I still love you. I love you and I forgive you and it's about time you forgave yourself."

"Tex…."

"Let yourself off the hook Cal."

"This doesn't change…"

"You can teach my kid stuff. You can be the coolest, most kick ass uncle in the whole world….." reaching out she stroked his face gently, and then patting it with a resolute determination Texas smiled, "… but you're not gonna play Daddy. I won't let you."

"I love you Texas….." muttered Calvin, accepting her decision in his own understated way as he drew her into his arms and hugged her tight, "… so fucking much."

"I'm stronger than you give me credit for you know."

"I never said you weren't…."

"I'm not a junkie. I haven't had so much as a beer in three months and I couldn't care less. I don't need you to babysit me. I need you to go get your GED and get a good job and date that chatty little cheerleader if it'll make you happy."

"She _is_ chatty….." smirked Calvin, kissing Texas thick black hair and then pulling away he laughed to himself at the thought of Eve's verbal acrobatics, "… it's pretty fucking annoying sometimes."

"Bebe if things don't work out with her because she's sixteen, or because she wants different things to you or because you're not in love with her anymore then fine. Just don't you **dare **walk away because you convinced yourself you're not good enough to date a girl like her, okay? It's bullshit and it's stupid and I will kick her prissy little butt if she doesn't tell you as much herself."

"Yeah, no, you need to promise you'll never fight Bambi."

"Why? You think she could take me?" teased Texas, propping her hands on her hips.

"Tex even if I blindfolded you, even four months pregnant, even if I gave her some kind of weapon you would _kill_ that scrawny little thing."

"Then in the case she just best make sure she never hurts my boy…." and though she was joking, though she was smiling through the threat Calvin was in no doubt that she meant every word wholeheartedly.

* * *

"On a scale of one to ten?"

"Twelve and a half."

"So she's pretty much gonna ram these up my ass?" asked Elliot, as Fin smirked back at him from his desk and then broke into a laugh.

"Yeah, no dude she's pretty pissed."

"She told you that?" he asked, though it rarely surprised him to learn that Olivia shared almost everything with Fin.

"Nah, nah but she didn't have to. The President could reach for the nuke button and she'd keep her cool but a fight with you? It rattles her."

"We're not in a fight. Not really."

"And the pansies?" said Fin, flashing a wry and wicked smile. "They just bring out your baby blues?"

"They're not pansies they're cream roses….." and it was there, stood in the squad room feeling a sudden rush of shame and love that Elliot realised he either couldn't remember Kathy's favourite flowers or had never known in the first place, "… she loves them."

"Stabler she's missed spelling bees and football games and cheer competitions and God knows what else over the years. She doesn't need you to tell her that she works too much."

"You really enjoy being the third person in my marriage, don't you Detective Tutuola?"

"It's my greatest joy."

"Maybe I could've been a little more delicate in my approach."

"They're gonna write that on your grave, dude…." chuckling to himself Fin played, "… here lies Elliot Stabler: he could've been a little more delicate in his approach."

"I will hit you."

"I will hit you back."

"I'm going to see my wife now."

"Hey! Hey El?"

"What?" asked Elliot, turning back and rolling his eyes at Fin, "What else?"

"You didn't say anything different to what I have a million times. Alex, Munch, Nick? We're all singing the same song but it just hits harder coming from you. She hears it when you say it."

"You're alright Fin….." nodding slowly with a profoundly grateful smile Elliot acknowledged the deep friendship they had forged over the years, "… don't believe everyone who thinks you're a jackass."

* * *

"Knock knock?"

"Flowers?" asked Olivia, looking up from her desk and peering sceptically at him over her glasses. "What'd you do?"

"Did you forget already?"

"El you didn't need to buy me flowers for this morning. We're not really in a fight."

"We aren't?" he asked, really quite surprised as he set the flowers down on her desk and took a seat. "Only I feel like the conversation we had suggested that…."

"I _do _work too much."

"Okay, okay well this isn't how I thought this would go but hey I'll take it if…."

"I just haven't figured out what to do about it yet."

"You don't have to figure out…."

"Yeah, yeah I do Elliot….." with a heavy sigh she set down her pen and pushed her chair away from the desk, "… because this place we're in right now is killing us."

"What I mean is that it's something **we** have to figure out. We can talk about it. We can discuss our options. Instead of you dismissing me like your best looking detective and me trying to bully you into a decision."

"My best looking detective?" she smirked, and then deliberately teasing his ego added, "Have you seen Nick Amaro since he started going grey? That thick, full head of distinguished grey…."

"I started receding at a young age and I am very comfortable with that thanks. Prince Harry and I have that in common and…."

"William."

"How the hell do you know about English royalty?"

"I read beyond the sport section."

"Liv we got some big talking to do. I got some really strong feelings about this situation, about where our family is at right now and I know you do to. We gotta rip it like a bandaid."

"You want me to retire…." it wasn't a complete shock to her when he didn't deny it immediately, she had suspected he had been building to the suggestion for a while, "… don't you?"

"I don't hate the idea."

"I do."

"I know."

"So what do we do about that?" she asked, getting up from her chair and wandering around the desk to admire her flowers. "These are really beautiful, babe…." reaching down to his face she stroked it softly and blew him a kiss, "… thank you."

"I don't know what we do about it, partner."

"You wanna take me to a ball game?" realising that this was not something they were going to overcome overnight she instead changed direction entirely.

"Where did that come from?" he asked, patting at her backside and then stroking at her back and laughing, "But of course I do. I can't believe we've missed so many this season."

"If you can get us tickets for the Red Sox game in two weeks I'm fairly sure I could speak to whoever does the scheduling around here and make sure we're both off."

"We could make a day of it? Watch the afternoon game, go out for dinner afterward? I'm pretty sure it's Mouse's turn to wear the jersey."

"That lucky jersey needs to retire never mind me….." she groaned, pulling a face, "…its borderline unsanitary at this point."

"Hey! Good things happen when you're wearing that jersey…." he grinned, grabbing at her hips and dragging her down onto his lap, "… and besides, it's a family tradition now. Do _you _wanna tell our kids that you're confiscating a piece of their history?"

"I wore it pregnant with our kids! Both of them have thrown up on it more times than I care to think about when they were little! It oughta come with a health warning."

"Like I said, good things happened in the lucky jersey….." tilting his head and just looking at her with besotted eyes for a moment he murmured, "….you were so cute pregnant."

"Elliot…." she couldn't be coy, not around him, not when she still so enjoyed the mischief in his eyes as he kissed at her neck and adored her the way not many couples still did their wives after two kids and over a decade of marriage.

"Liv I know how much this job means to you I just….."

"Babe…." she sighed, kissing him lightly and then leaning her forehead against his.

"I'm not afraid to have this fight with you over and over again if that's what it takes. I _will not_ back down on this one. I don't want you to retire. Not yet. I would never ask you that."

"But?" she tested, knowing he was far from done saying his piece.

"Who's next in line?"

"What?"

"When the kids are grown up and moved out and it's just you and me and our motorhome hitting the road and seeing where the wind blows us who is looking after your precinct? Who's gonna inherit Captain Stabler's legacy?"

"I'm sorry did you just say motorhome?"

"I didn't tell you about that yet, huh?" he grinned, giving her waist a squeeze.

"Ah, no, no you did not."

"That's what we're gonna do when the kids are out the house and we surrender our badges. We're going on an open ended adventure across these great United States."

"In a motorhome?" her eyes were wide, wary, and deeply sceptical. "I'm sorry at what point did you unilaterally plan my retirement, sweetheart? What was it about me that gave you any indication that I would enjoy living out of a suitcase?"

"You could totally pull it off and besides..."

"Nick Amaro."

"What?"

"When I'm enduring life in a tin can somewhere in the middle of nowhere Nebraska with my lunatic husband…." she quipped drily, before cutting the caustic humour to nod slowly, "… it'll be Captain Amaro who inherits my squad."

"So you _have_ thought about it?" he sighed, relieved behind words and profoundly moved by her willingness to at least engage in the conversation.

"I have but don't get excited. Sam doesn't even turn fifteen for another month so I've got plenty of time yet to talk you out of this insane motorhome plan you've dreamed up."

"Hey, hey I…."

"Yeah, no…." ducking her neck and kissing him to sugar the pill she patted his chest and smiled resolutely, "… over my cold dead body, babe."


	23. Like A River Flows So Surely To The Sea

_**In answer to your observation/ question - yes there has been a bit of an air of calm before the storm the past few updates... and yes, it probably would be a good idea to duck and cover. I shall say no more ;)**_

* * *

"Mom I'm done with all these."

"Kid you are just on fire today…." smiled Olivia warmly as Sam returned to her office from the vacant desk opposite Fin's she had set him up to work on with an arm full of files, "… I gotta get you to come hang out here more often."

"It wasn't totally boring but it won't beat football come the Fall…."

"You and your precious football."

"What'd you want me to do next?"

"Okay, so, we got that last pile alphabetized so now I think I'm gonna get you to….."

"These top ones aren't in order…." said Sam, setting the pile of folders down on his mother's desk and then filtering off the top handful, "… don't get mad but I kinda had a look through some of them just to see all the gross stuff these guys did and…."

"Sammy!"

"Your job is actually kinda cool."

"I appreciate that you think that but you are _way _too young to be reading that stuff. Even if it _wasn't_ a horrific breach of…"

"These guys all went to the same high school"

"What?" asked Olivia, her attention caught as she set down the documents in her hand and tucked her pen behind her ear. "How'd you mean?" Moving around her desk to stand beside Sam she looked over his shoulder and forgave him opening up the folder to point at the document inside.

"I mean I didn't read every single file 'cos Fin kept throwing stuff at me when he caught me but….." smiling amusedly Olivia nodded gratefully that Fin was both detective and uncle with equal commitment, "… these guys are different kinds of sickos but they all went to school together. The one over in Queens, remember? Where Maureen said her cousin used to go before it got shut down when all those girls got….."

"I should be mad at you for reading these….." but then, much to Sam's delight she didn't dismiss him and instead took a closer look at the various different cases, "…. but you know what, kiddo? You're not wrong. You're not wrong at all. These guys weren't just in the same high school but three of them were in the same graduating class."

"Did I do good?" asked Sam, feeling a shot of adrenalin at the idea that not only had be impressed his mother but he had enjoyed the means in which he'd done so. He had only ever sat playing games on his cell phone all the times he had waited for her to get off work when he was younger. This was far more fun.

"No, no you broke protocol and you read things that no civilian let alone a minor should read."

"But?" he tested, sensing not even a fragment of reproach of disappointment in her tone."

"Sam you picked up a detail my rookie detectives skimmed over. You more than did good, kid…." leaning down a pressing a kiss against his kiss against his hair she grabbed the relevant folders, "… but you may just have broken my case. Stay there a second while I go give these to Amaro."

"Okay…." he nodded, his face lighting up with the thrill of it all. Normally, on account of being a fourteen year old boy, he hated her kissing him that way in public, but this time he let it go. This time it was the kind of show of pride, the kind of seal of approval that he so often felt was reserved for his sister.

* * *

"Calvin what are you doing her?"

"You know what I'm doing here."

"Not really..." she sighed, stepping up in the bleachers where he'd been stood watching her as behind them the cheerleaders continued to chant on without her on the field.

"Bambi I miss you."

"Shut up."

"I mean it."

"So what if you do?" she prickled, taking a backward step and squaring her jaw around the words. "What do you want me to do with that information?"

"I dunno …." lowering his eyes, knowing he had no right to say the words but feeling them too strongly in every vessel of his being to keep them inside any longer Calvin murmured, "… I can't stop thinking about you Evie."

"I don't know what to say to that."

"You don't have to say anything I just…."

"You broke up with me Calvin. You dumped me for Texas and her baby and now you tell me that you miss me and you can't stop thinking about me? How am I supposed to react to that?"

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry just…." folding her arms across her chest she danced foot to foot on her white running tennis shoes and deliberately avoided his eyes, "… leave me alone."

"But I am sorry, I'm sorry that I hurt you, I'm sorry that I…."

"Cal don't, just don't….."

"I don't expect anything. You don't have to say anything or….."

"Calvin…." feeling her resolve slipping, feeling herself weaken to just how madly she was still in love with him she shook her head and held her tongue.

"I should never have let you go. I was an idiot. I thought I was doing the right thing but this isn't fucking right….." he murmured, shaking his thick, straggled hair and shooting her diamond cut blue green eyes, "… not being without you isn't right. It's every kind of wrong and I can't stand it."

"And what about Texas? What about the girl you went off to raise a baby with?" she spat bitterly, not able to hold her composure in the midst of such raw and burning anger. The months that had passed had done nothing to lessen the tearing in her soul and she wasn't about to let her guard down again so easily.

"I…."

"You broke my heart Cal."

"I know that."

"Do you? I cried for days. I cried until I puked and until all this weird stuff came out of my stomach and burned my throat and I wanted to die and you did that!" throwing her arms to her sides emphatically and then rising an accusatory finger, she jabbed the air between them and yelped, "**You** did that!"

"I know I did."

"You made me fall so in love with you I didn't even know how to _breathe _when you broke up with me. I couldn't even hate you for it because you were being a good friend and I know you would never cheat on me with Texas even though you…"

"I wouldn't cheat on you. It's not like that with Tex and she knows that. I just want you back Bambi and I know I have no right to ask that and there's probably no chance that you'll forgive me or…."

"I want to."

"You do?" he asked, hopeful only for a second until her bright blue eyes darkened and then filled with tears.

"But I can't."

"No?"

"I gave you everything I had Calvin. I gave you my trust, my virginity, my heart and everything in it and after all of that you left me for a girl you're not in love with and a baby that isn't yours. And I **know** that it's more complicated than that. I know you have all these feelings because of your Mom and how things were when you and Texas were little but you know what? I have feelings too. I have all sorts of feelings you have no idea about and they fucking hurt."

"Don't say fucking, Bambi."

"My Mom is a hypocrite Cal."

"Livia?"

"When you dumped me she was so awesome the way she always is but the whole time she was talking all I could think about was what right did she have to judge me and tell me how I deserved better?"

"I'm not sure I..."

"My Mom, my super strong, awesome, kick ass, takes no prisoners mom let my Dad get her pregnant while he was still married to Kathy. He treated her like shit. He made her skulk around like some shady little secret he was ashamed of. He made her feel like **I **was something she should be ashamed of and so then when I was born she didn't tell him about me."

"I didn't know that."

"Well now you do…." she said quietly, her eyes so lost in his he understood just how much of herself she was giving him. Her biggest fears, her darkest corner, that place inside of her that she had never let anyone go until that moment. Not even her beloved parents. "That was how little she thought of herself. Olivia freakin' Benson made herself _small_ for a guy and I _hate_ that she did that. She's better than that. She is better than the way she let my Dad treat her and you are the only person I've ever told this too and I'll kill you if you ever repeat it but…."

"You know I won't. You know you can trust me."

"I want to trust you. I want to trust you more than anything but you broke it when you broke us Calvin. You want my trust again? Earn it."

"I will, I will I'll earn it I swear to you…."

"My Dad wasn't there when I was born."

"He wasn't?" his question was rhetorical, as she just peeled away layer after layer of herself stood on the bleachers in the hot sunlight of that late summer afternoon.

"Calvin when my babies are born their father is going to be there. He's going to be there holding my hand and on that hand is going to be a ring and I love you but you're an asshole and…."

"I'm just gonna….." stepping forward, unable to stand by and just watch her cry Calvin parcelled her into his arms and held her snug against his chest as she cried, "…. I got you Bambi, I got you: I'm right here."

"This isn't me changing my mind."

"I know."

"We're not getting back together."

"Okay."

"I'm still pissed as hell at you."

"Got it."

"Don't let go until I say so."

"Yes m'am."

And so there they stood. Not really broken, just heavily bent. Holding each other, holding onto something they both knew was worth the fight. They would find their way back to one another and they would be stronger for the struggle. The two teenagers, though not yet reconciled, had grown in ways they were yet to recognise. The catalyst of it all was not Texas Mendoza, their heart wrenching breakup, or indeed Calvin's troubled life. It was instead her pain that had brought them closer than ever.

Eve Grace Stabler's life was not perfect. She too had her secrets, her intricacies and complexities the same way he did. That she was only human only made him love her more. That she gained such comfort in his patient strength gave her the reassurance she needed to forgive him, and to give them a second chance.

* * *

"You got mail."

"Are they mine?" asked Calvin, as Texas wandered into his bedroom wearing what he knew were his sweatpants and a vest top that betrayed her slightly rounded stomach.

"I need to go shopping…" she confessed, and though never coy he could see something close in her little smile as folded her arms self-consciously across herself.

"That is one serious rack you got there Tex….." he laughed, sweeping an arm across the various scatterings of papers and clothes on his bed to clear a space for her to sit down, "… check out those bad boys."

"Calvin!" though she lightly admonished his teasing she was entirely used to it. It didn't faze her and she knew there was nothing behind it. It was a playful flirtation that would never go anywhere and a profound fondness that would never go away.

"How you doing?" realising he hadn't checked in since she'd quietly, uncomplainingly retched into the toilet while he'd brushed his teeth that morning. "When are we gonna be done with the puking part? It's kinda getting old."

"Really? It is?" she laughed acerbically, "Yeah, yeah I can see how it would be a real drag _for you_, asshole."

"Hey I hold your hair! I'm a real gent!"

"You gonna open that?" she asked, folding her legs under her and picking up the letter he had tossed aside. "We both know what it is."

"Whatever…." rolling his shoulders he picked up the envelope and handed it back to her, "… you open it."

"Sure?" she tested, biting on her lip and narrowing her eyes to test his conviction. "Only this is a big moment, you sure you don't wanna read it first?"

"Yup."

"Well, it's official…" her warm brown eyes danced on his face, making him wait a beat before flashing a smile and nodding, "…. congratulations Arliss, you only went and nailed it. You did it, mi amor. You passed."

"I did?" he doubted, not having believed for a moment he would.

"I'm gonna bake a cake! I'm gonna bake a fucking butter pecan piece of heaven!"

"Mom you're such a creeper…." muttered Calvin with a fond smile as Vivian revealed herself to have been lurking in the hallway.

"She brought the mail in, she saw who it was from…." explained Texas, and then leaning forward she draped herself around his shoulders and squeezing him tight she sighed, "… I'm so proud of you. I really am."

"I passed high school….." in a quiet, marvelling moment of reflection as Texas sat with her arms still around his shoulders Calvin stared down at the piece of paper in his lap, "…. that's fucking insane."

"So why the sour puss?" asked Vivian, lolling against the doorway as she lit a cigarette.

"Mom get outside with that thing I told you a billion times already….."

"Cal it's fine, leave her…"

"No, no it is not fine…." clambering up from the bed Calvin hustled Vivian's still waif thin frame out of the bedroom and down the hallway, "…. you don't smoke around Tex right now. That's non-negotiable, Ma."

"I smoked and drank like a fish the whole time I was pregnant with you baby boy, and you turned out just fine so…."

"Not really a great line of defence…" he chuckled darkly, rolling his eyes and pushing the door almost closed as she stared through the gap with the hollow socketed, slightly startled expression of a lifetime addict, "….you can come back in when you're done."

"I'm gonna bake a cake for my clever boy."

"You do that, Ma. You bake me a cake….." and then partially to amuse himself, and partially because it still needed to be made clear to Vivian he added, "… just don't put anything funky in it okay?"

"Calvin!"

"Or if you do for God's sake warn Texas. I mean that, don't you dare let her eat one of your _heavenly_ cakes or I will kick your ass Ma."

"You really leave that little faith in me Cal?" asked the sunken eyes staring at him through the crack in the door. He didn't reply. She didn't need to hear the truth and he couldn't bear to feel it's weight.

"Texas' little peanut is not gonna come out with two heads or twelve toes because of anything this family did or didn't do, okay? We're not gonna fuck this up….." turning around to see Texas smiling adoringly at him down the hallway he met her eyes and repeated, "… we're _not_ gonna fuck this up."

* * *

"Wait a second I remember you!"

"I am a half hour earlier home than you thought I'd be so don't you pull those puppy dogs on me Stabler."

"You leave the boy behind?"

"He's playing out with Joe from down the street….." parcelling a brown bag of groceries into Elliot's hands as he greeted her with a kiss at the front door Olivia glanced over her shoulder, "…. there they are."

"What _are_ they doing?" asked Elliot, tilting his head and squinting his eyes to get a better look at Sam chasing the smaller boy around a tree and then yelling loud popping sounds.

"Oh I think it was a clean shoot…." smiled Olivia, surprising Elliot with a deliciously dark show of pride as Sam straddled his playmate, pinned him to the ground and bound his hands with a skipping rope, "…. Detective Stabler just disabled his perp."

"Did I miss something?" still holding an armful of groceries against his chest Elliot stepped barefoot onto the driveway and exclaimed, "Is that your shield he's waving around?"

"No."

"You filthy liar…." he marvelled, shaking his head in disbelief as even from a distance he heard Sam confidently mirandize his suspect, "…. okay seriously did he just….."

"He shouldn't have my shield. If anyone sees I'll have my ass handed to me…." thinking better of her agreeing to Sam's borrowing it Olivia winced, "… but I got a little carried away with how he's _finally _excited about something other than football."

"I hardly think Sam's gonna be impersonating an officer and making any actual arrests so…."

"Can you imagine if we'd given Evie that thing at his age?"

"Oh my God….." chuckled Elliot, flashing his teeth and grinning at the very notion, "… yeah, no, Mouse would've had half the neighbourhood in the back of squad car by now."

"El you should've seen your son this afternoon. He was curious and engaged and he didn't look at his cell phone once the whole time I had him shadowing Fin and Nick. He filed papers for me, he did coffee runs and photocopying. He just kept coming back for more. Anything to get back in the bull pen where the action is."

"His words?"

"Yeah, yeah you should ask him about it because he did not stop talking the whole way home about how he can't wait to tell his Dad how he helped me break a case."

"Did he actually?" and then thinking through the idea a little further Elliot questioned, "Is that even legit? He's like twelve."

"He's fourteen, babe."

"I was kidding."

"I'm just gonna remind you the "Happy 5th Birthday Evie" cake."

"I got a lot of kids I lose track!"

"She was turning six Elliot!"

"You're never gonna let me forget that _one_ mistake are you?"

"He shouldn't have been reading the case files but you know what he spotted that four out of twenty five of our suspects went to the same high school. What is that if it's not cop instincts?"

"An ability to read?" offered Elliot, unwilling to put the cart before the horses. "Babe don't get me wrong I am so glad that he's getting excited about this but let's not get ahead of ourselves okay? He's a few weeks shy of fifteen and you know what it's like at that age. Your whole life can change in a heartbeat."

"He's talking about getting his grades up, he's talking about how he think there might be a point in actually focusing in school after all."

"Okay now that? _That_ is something I can get excited about…." with a beaming smile Elliot nodded, "… good work, Captain."

"I'm not pushing him to be a cop and I love that he loves his football and hanging out with his friends but I just want him to strive for _something_ you know? To feel like he can do or be anything he wants to be. He's every bit as smart as Evie when he applies himself."

"Damn Liv I was pretty jazzed to tell you I fixed your dryer this afternoon but I kinda feel like you rained on my parade a little with the whole inspiring our son to greatest thing you've got going….."

"Oh my God you fixed my dryer?" she gasped, almost a little too euphorically.

"Yeah, yeah I did and I also painted the deck…."

"You painted my deck!"

"Our deck."

"Whatever!" shaking her head, caring only that she could bear to host the kids' friends and their parents again without constantly feeling ashamed by the state of their yard Olivia kissed him with a zealous show of appreciation.

"Does this mean I might get a little something something tonight?"

"No, no it does not."

"Oh."

"El…." it had been a good day, it had been a truly good day and standing on their doorstep listening to the sound of Sam chasing his inspiration down the street behind them Olivia smiled suggestively, "… I'm kidding."

"You are?" he dared to hope.

"Ply me with couple of glasses of red….." as the brown paper crackled between them she leant in and murmured hotly into mouth, "…. and you can have your wicked way with me Detective Stabler."

* * *

"Hey Bambi?"

"What do you want?" asked Eve, her knees tucked up under her chin as she sat on a plastic chair in the back yard of the Stabler family home the following afternoon. Having come down the path at the side of the house Calvin leant over the fence gate, leaning his elbows on the wood and smiling just at the sight of her.

"I got something to show you."

"Nothing I want to see."

"You sure about that?" he said, sparks shooting across the space between them as she inclined her head quizzically. Of course she wanted to see. Of course she wanted him.

"I'm busy. I have to finish this project. Like I told you last week we can't just…."

"I took the GED test."

"What?" now he had her attention, as her feet fell to the floor with a thud and her jaw followed soon after it. "You actually did it? Like you wrote down actual answers?"

"Yeah, yeah that's what took the test means …."

"And?" breath baited she already knew the answer, it was already written all over his grinning face.

"And….." he teased, holding up his results paper and shrugging, "… I'm officially not stupid."

"Of course you're not stupid….." she mouthed, shaking her head and pinning herself stubbornly to the chair though her heart was flying across the yard.

"I passed Bambi….." he said again, just in case it affected a different reaction, "…. I got my GED."

"Congratulations."

"That's it?" perhaps she was being too stubborn, she thought suddenly, seeing how hurt he looked. Inside she was screaming, her heart was pounding and her stomach doing somersaults. This was huge, this was incredible, this was tangible proof that he not only wanted to do better but that he was more than capable of change.

"What do you want me to say?" she heard herself reply, by gosh she was being hard on him and she knew it. Though there was always so much talk of all the wonderful qualities she had inherited from her mother there was a flip side to the coin. She had Olivia's wilful cynicism, her inclination to mistrust despite a deeply loving heart.

"I just thought….." twisting his face, regretting his impulsive decision to driver over Calvin lifted his shoulders and held them a second before dropping them and sighing, "… nah, nah forget it was dumb to come here. I'll see you around Evie."

"Wait!" she cried, leaping up from her chair and tugging frantically at the gate lock before chasing after him down the path. "Cal don't go! Wait!"

"What?" he barely managed to say, before she jumped up and threw her arms around his neck.

"I mean it…." she rushed, squeezing him tight and smiling against the warm skin of his neck, "… congratulations."

"I'm so sorry Bambi, you gotta believe that. I was an idiot and I'm sorry."

"Cal…." she swallowed, falling back onto her feet and pulling away.

"I am trying so fucking hard to do the right thing but I just didn't think it would feel so wrong. Mom is nearly four months sober and that's great. Texas is better than she's been in years and it's so good to see her happy but…."

"But?" her voice merely a choked pinch Eve folded her arms across her waist and hung off his reply.

"But I'm _not_ happy….." he mumbled, reaching out and playing with the tasselled hem of her cowgirl style t-shirt, "… I'm fucking miserable."

"You are?" she whispered, barely audibly, as in turn her index fingers twisted around the belt loops of his faded jeans.

"You're a whiney and annoying and a stubborn little shit but I miss you like hell."

"You really gotta work on the sweet talk."

"You make me laugh."

"What you mean is that you laugh _at _me?"

"You make everything better. When I got this letter Tex was talking about jobs and the future and my Mom is making me a cake and I wasn't even listening. I didn't even care. All I was thinking about was how I had to see you, all I wanted to do was come over here and tell you."

"I didn't picture Vivian as a baker."

"I did it for you Eve….." said Calvin, with that raw honesty that grazed at his heart and won hers, "… it's all for you. Reading all the books, studying, taking the classes. It means nothing without you."

"That isn't true….."

"Bambi the truth is that the day I started helping them put their lives back together…." reaching down and stroking his thumb from the bridge of her nose to the tip and then pressing it like a button the way that had become a habit he smiled sadly, "… mine started falling apart."

"Cal….."

"I don't deserve a second chance. I don't deserve you at all. You just gotta know that I am totally, madly, stupidly in love with you and I will do _anything _to win you back."

"Calvin look at me…." she said, and then when he stared at the ground reluctantly she ducked for his eyes and insisted, "….look at me, will you?"

"Why?" he laughed sardonically, "So you can tell me to go to hell?"

"No…." shaking her head slowly from side to side she held his green blue gaze and smiled, "…. no so I can tell you that I'm proud of you."

"Yeah?"

"And that you _don't_ deserve a second chance and there is a _really_ long list of things you're gonna have to do to win me back."

"But you're saying that…."

"Starting with the physics project that is killing me and I would rather eat my own face than work on for one second longer."

"You know this is actually a pretty funny turn of events when you think about it…." he chuckled lightly, as she grabbed for his hand and lead him back into the yard.

"What exactly is amusing you Mr Arliss?"

"That Evie G is flunking out on a class and I fucking kicked high school's ass and have a piece of paper to prove it."

"Do you _want _to be forgiven?" she asked, dropping his hand and pulling a face.

"Won't your parents be pretty pissed if they come home to find us…."

"Find us what, funny boy?" she smirked, feeling them rediscover their rhythm. "Doing science homework together?"

"I…."

"Because parallel circuits are gonna be as much fun as you have with me this afternoon."

"That's cool, that's fine….." reaching out and tugging her ponytail because he knew it drove her mad Calvin waited for her to turn around before smiling.

"I haven't changed my mind about what I said last week you know. I still need some time. We can't just go back to exactly how things were right away. Okay?"

"Course."

"You really mean that?"

"Yes."

"Calvin be serious!" she cried, not entirely sure whether he was genuine in his assertions. "Can you be just friends with me? Can you do that?"

"I can be your friend….." pinching at her waist and swaying her from side to side as they danced in the grass he laughed, "…. I really don't _want_ just be your friend but I can do it. I will do it. I just wanna hang out with you: that's all."

"I wanna hang out with you too…." catching her breath she stroked at his chest, lifting her eyes to his and batting her lashes slowly, "… and you know you really don't need to win me back."

"I don't?" he asked, lifting his hand and laying it over hers as she felt the beating of his heart through the thin cotton of his t-shirt.

"I never stopped being yours."

"Same…." he vowed, lifting her hand to his mouth and kissing her open palm lovingly, "… you need a resistor."

"What?" she asked, thrown by his sudden change of topic and then feeling deeply comforted by how quickly they rediscovered their easy, effortless conversation.

"This lame ass circuit you've built needs a resistor….." still holding her hand he led her to the plastic table and chairs and took a seat beside her, "… right, get your notes out and tell me what you _think_ is going on here."

"Ugh it's so stupid and…."

"Well, as someone with an actual qualification on his résumé I don't think that's the right attitude to…."

"Oh shut up!" she laughed, slapping his arm playfully as she leant over to grab her science folder and tossed her eyes. "Right, so basically they told us that we have to….."


	24. Today Will Change Your Life

"What about this one?"

"Oh yeah, yeah sure I think I saw Barbara Bush wear something similar when she was pregnant with…."

"Look if you don't want me here."

"I do want you here. I want you here to carry my bags and not offer me the benefit of your non-existent fashion advice."

"I think you look cute in yellow…." said Calvin, only partially joking as he wandered between the racks on Texas' heels, "… like a little Latina pineapple."

"I have no words Arliss. I speak two languages and still…." widening her dark brown eyes she stared blankly at him for a second, and then pulling a face laughed, "… not one single word."

"Can we go to a different store now? Everything is so close together here it's annoying."

"You're annoying."

"It smells like old people and feet."

"Fine, fine let's go…." sighed Texas, rolling her eyes and chuckling to herself, "…shopping with a toddler is gonna be a freakin' cake walk compared to this, you realise that?"

"Excuse me, sir?"

"Thanks but we're not interested." Said Texas, unilaterally making the decision as she linked Calvin's arm and propelled him past the recruitment stand set up in the centre of the mall.

"I understand that spouses can be reluctant to…."

"Oh hell no!" before Calvin had even had chance to understand the scenario unfolding Texas was pushing back her sleeves and squaring up to the man twice her size, wearing an impressive colour block of medals on the lapel of his dress uniform. "First off I'm not his _spouse_ and secondly what kind of sexist jackass are you that you assume he's your target. You ignore me without even thinking that **I **might be the more likely person to enlist. He's a fucking liability and I could kick your ass."

"Wow, okay Tex…." blinked Calvin, never having known anyone go from zero to fury as fast as she could.

"No, no son if that's how the young lady feels then….."

"Just to be clear she isn't threatening an army general….." stated Calvin quickly knowing that Texas already had several warnings for aggressive behaviour against police officers on her record, "…. in any way. Besides what this might seem like. Sir."

"What's your name?"

"Texas Mendoza…." and then without flinch, hesitation or any regard for age or rank she added, "… what's yours?"

"General Larry Cohen….." extending a hand to her the impressively statured officer flashed a warm smile, "… offering you his sincere apologies and regret for his mistaken assumptions."

"I'm not _actually_ a liability…." ventured Calvin, when he sensed white flags had been raised.

"Either one of you kids ever thought about the service?" and then, an expert in his field, without pausing to allow them to respond he asked, "Travel the world? Pay for college? Serve your country?"

"Oh please…." scoffed Texas, rolling her eyes and shaking her head.

"It's not for everyone…." nodded General Cohen with a sage smile, "… and that's okay."

"I know someone that was a Marine…." said Calvin, coming out of left field and surprising Texas with the sincerity with which he spoke to the officer, "… he said it made him the man he is today."

"And is that a good thing?" gosh he was good, though Texas cynically. He knew just what to say and when to not say anything but leave it hanging in the air like a baited line.

"I'm still figuring that out…." smirked Calvin, not having fully made up his mind on Elliot Stabler just yet, "… but I reckon maybe, yeah."

"You know what you want out of life, son?"

"Not really…." he shrugged. He wanted Evie. He wanted Vivian clean and well. He wanted Texas and the baby to have a good life. He suspected none of these things were what the officer meant.

"Cal let's go….."

"I wanna be able to do right by my family….." and then with a hesitant shrug Calvin looked up to the General and twisted his mouth to half smile, "… I guess."

"Look how about I give you my card? You can go on the website, check out what the military is really all about beyond the politics and the movies and then you give me a call if you like what you read."

"This is bull, bebe."

"Tex don't be rude."

"It's okay; she's got a right to her opinion. It's no skin off my nose. I love the Army. It's been my life for as long as I can remember and it's a part of me. It's helped me raise three beautiful children and I wouldn't change my decision to serve for the world. I'm not about bullying people into making the wrong decision. I'm just opening the door."

"What'd your poor wife do while you were off serving your country? Or was it _her_ not the army helping you raise your beautiful children?" asked Texas with a sceptical laugh.

"My poor wife is Lieutenant General Maggie Cohen of the US Marine Corps and I resent the implication that I might have ever treated her as less than one of the finest military officers I have ever had the privilege to know."

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry I just assumed…." fumbled Texas, humbled and uncharacteristically speechless.

"Was it hard?" asked Calvin, having been lost in thought a moment. "How'd you do it? Be a family at the same time? Weren't you gone all the time?"

"It's a different life to be sure, but it's not a bad one. It gave me an identity. I couldn't have been a husband and father if I hadn't been a solider first."

"We should get home it's almost time for your Mom's meeting."

"Yeah, yeah sure…" and the boy he had assumed shy, ungainly, ignorant of convention surprised the general by offering a firm handshake, "… good talking to you, Sir."

* * *

"I'd be the first junior to start at QB in like ten years. No one in our school since Martin McNally has done it according to Coach. I really want it Dad."

"I know you do, son, and I'm proud of you but you know what it if it doesn't happen this year we'll nail it next. We'll work on it. I might be a little rusty and I know we've kinda become a baseball family but we'll change that."

"You reckon Calvin would come practice with us? I mean I know he's not with Evie anymore but he's a freakin' awesome throw, he can spiral better than the best guys on my team and…."

"Yeah well I guess that's something we'd have to talk to your mother about that. I'm not really sure how things stand with him right now so…."

"He did nothing wrong Dad."

"You said that in front of your sister lately?" asked Elliot, succinctly making his point that even Sam had to concede. "Because if you value your life I wouldn't go there."

"Yeah well he was my friend, at least kind of. He was sort of, almost my friend. We got along, you know….." they hadn't hung out all that much, thought Sam, and it was probably a stretch to call Calvin a friend at almost four years older than him and in a very different place in his life, "… he's cool. You know?"

"He's got a lot going on right now, son. I'm not sure coaching high school football is really something he'd be into."

"He got his GED though I heard….." realising there were only a limited sources from which he could have gleaned this information and it was not an option to confess Eve had been the one to tell him Sam quickly added, "… I was taking to Fin so…."

"He's not a bad kid. I never said he was."

"Made me think though, you know? Like if he can do it. If he can turn his grades around with all the crazy he's got going on….." finishing the last mouthful of his cereal Sam mumbled, "… maybe I can too."

"Your Mom said you had a pretty good time at the 1-6 the other day?"

"I liked it a lot. I never really paid attention to what you guys do there before."

"You know nowadays you need college credits to apply to the academy….."

"I can do that. I can go to college."

"Yeah, yeah you can, course you can….." smiled Elliot, realising that Olivia had been right and that something had indeed come alive in their son, "….any one you wanna get into if you set your mind to it."

"I'm no brain like Evie. I just wanna go into someplace with a good sports programme and tonnes of hot girls."

"Oh good, good it's reassuring to see you haven't had a total personality transplant then."

"Crap that's Dylan they're outside I gotta go."

"You got everything? Permission slip? Money for lunch?" mentally running through what else one might need for a field trip Elliot paused a moment before asking, "Is Dylan's Mom bringing you home again later as well?"

"Yeah, yeah Mom took care of it all…." nodded Sam, grabbing his backpack and jacket and heading for the door, "…. I'll see you tonight!"

"Have fun! Learn something!" laughed Elliot, hearing the door slam and rolling his eyes.

* * *

"No."

"What? Just like that? You didn't even hear me out."

"I don't need to."

"But I have it all planned out. I even wrote a list. You _love _lists Bambi."

"What on earth makes you think that I'm going to just miss class and practice to get in that stupid dirty truck of yours and….." standing with her hands braced on her hips Eve shook her head rapidly form side to side and squeezed her eyes shut, then popping them open blurted, "… well where even are you planning on taking me?"

"Apple picking."

"Like as in picking apples off of trees?"

"No, no Bambi like as in smuggling 10k of blow over state lines."

"Calvin that isn't funny!"

"You are though, you make me laugh."

"Well that's great but…."

"All your geeky facts and your stupid little giggle and how you just can't stand being wrong. I just wanna hang out with you Evie. I'm not rushing you. I don't expect anything. It's just fun is all."

"You _really _just wanna take me apple picking?" she laughed with a breathy disbelief.

"Bambi I feel a hundred years old almost all of the time but around you…." shrugging honestly Calvin smiled back, "… look I thought up the most fucking unsexy activity possible so will you just come fruit picking with me already?"

"This isn't going to be a regular thing. This is the first cheer practice I have ever missed and you know I hate cutting class but….." chewing lightly on her bottom lip she drew her lips to an adoring simper and nodded in surrender, "… I do like apples so…."

"They're very good for you. Very nutritious. Lots of vitamin C."

"That's oranges, stupid….." dismissed Eve quickly, clambering up into the passenger seat and slamming the rickety old door hard behind her.

"Apples have vitamin C in them too….." he replied, having read as much in a biology textbook he'd taken out on loan while studying for his GED test, "…. wiseass."

"I'm sorry I called you stupid….." swallowed Eve suddenly, realising that for as much as she held him accountable for his flaws she was far from perfect herself though it was painful to admit, "… that was bitchy and I didn't mean it. It isn't true."

"You want first music pick?" he asked, wordless accepting her apology with the gesture as he tossed her a handful of uncased CDs. "You'll like that top one."

"Yeah?" she asked, sliding it into the radio slot and instinctively tidying up the trash from the various slots as she often did when she rode shotgun. "What is it?"

"Listen and find out but he's just like that whiney girl and her guitar you like only better."

"Rosey Blackstock is _not _whiney!"

"That track you had on repeat for like two weeks where she gets dumped by the freezer repair man and wails about it for 4 minutes 34 seconds."

"Shut up!"

"Seriously, this guy is _just_ as good on guitar but he's a fucking man about his pain."

"You're such an idiot…" throwing her eyes heavenward she fastened her seatbelt, hit play, and sat back in her seat as Calvin pulled away.

* * *

"I'm sorry I think you were mistaking that for a question."

"What's got her all riled up today?" smirked Georgia, throwing her eyes across to where Olivia had commandeered Fin's desk and was tearing the new ADA apart limb from trembling limb over the telephone.

"I love it when she's bad ass….." grinned Fin, his eyes twinkling as Olivia was finally making headway in what was proving to be the most infuriatingly red tape bound case in years, "…. check her not even breaking a sweat."

"I'd be shaking like a leaf talking to that new ADA like that. He's a real piece of work."

"Liv eats assholes like that for breakfast. She's been there, done that, seen them all and whipped them all into line. I couldn't have respected Don Cragen more but she's the best Captain this precinct will ever have."

"I won't ever be like that."

"Hey, hey Georgia don't sell yourself…."

"Nah, nah I mean it Fin. I'm not fishing. I'm not playing a violin song I'm just telling it like it is. Some people are born fighters, some people are born to lead they just have something in them. I don't. Whatever it is, it's not a part of who I am. I run with the herd. I will have your back time after time after time but I couldn't captain this unit."

"You and Rachel still not talking?"

"She's back in California."

"Yeah but not like before she isn't. Mel told me she's getting a divorce. They're finished for good this time and you _know _you're why."

"She outed me Fin. I wasn't ready to share that part of my life with everyone here and she did it for me. She had no right."

"No, no she did not but you know what? Being gay isn't part of your life G. It's who you are. It's something that's a part of you the way SVU is a part of Liv. You can't run away from it, you gotta run with it."

"Hey?" called Olivia, holding a hand over the phone in her hand and rolling her eyes, "You two having fun just chewing the fat over there? You wanna do some work this afternoon?"

"Yes Captain?" asked Georgia, as Fin simply smiled across at Olivia with a curious lift of his brows.

"Gramercy. East 18th and 3rd..." scribbling on a pad of paper and then throwing it at Georgia she instructed, "…. Taylor, Tutuola, hit the road and Amaro that is your fourth coffee today so step _away _and go see the grandmother."

"Yes m'am."

"Hey Fin?"

"What?" he asked, knowing it was well advised to just ride out the storm when Olivia was in one of her hell hath no fury moods.

"Can I ask a favour?"

"Let me get this straight you're gonna bust my balls as the Cap and then ask me a favour as Liv?"

"Problem?" asked Olivia, failing to see the issue and short on time. When he simply shook his head and smiled to the negative she scribbled on the back of a coffee receipt and flashed an appreciative smile, "Sam's new cleats are ready to collect and the store I ordered them from is between here and where you're headed."

"That everything?"

"For now…." and flashing a sweet smile she quipped drily, "….thank you Odafin. Appreciate it!"

* * *

"Eww! Oh no, no gross!"

"Bambi how can an apple be gross?" asked Calvin, lying lazily in the grass of a New Jersey orchard as the hot afternoon sun bronzed his skin. "It's a fucking piece of fruit."

"It had a worm hole in it!" she laughed, her heart so light she feared it might drift away on one of the fluffy white clouds swimming in the blue skies overhead. Gosh she was happy, she thought, as she sat cross legged sorting through their pickings with Calvin's hand lain casually across her thigh.

"Give it here, don't waste it, I'll eat it…." and as he squinted up at her against she pulled a face and he flashed an amused smile, "… extra protein."

"So I've been thinking."

"Uh-oh…." sinking his teeth into his apple with a juicy crunch Calvin chewed slowly and then pushed it into his cheek to mumble, "… come on then? Let's hear it?"

"I want to meet your family."

"Oh good, great, I'll call Rikers and arrange a…."

"Cal I'm serious I want to meet your Mom and I want to meet Texas too. I know all the reasons you didn't want me too before but they're doing better now, right? They're not using? They're in a good place?"

"Well yeah but…." he doubted, deeply touched by her sentiment but not entirely sure the reality was a good idea.

"I mean I'm going to have to meet them sooner or later because they'll be my family too someday so…."

"What?" sitting up, her words shooting through him like a jolt of electric current Calvin brushed the hair from his eyes and stared at her. "What'd you say?"

"I…." she swallowed, her desire to backpedal so strong she choked on it, "….nothing, nothing I was just meaning to say how they're your family and they mean a lot to you so I should meet them. To be nice, you know, to be polite."

"Sure, sure to be polite…" he smiled nervously, his brow twitching to a furrow as he considered which direction to venture in next. "Bambi do your parents even know we're hanging out again?"

"Not exactly."

"Figures."

"I _will_ tell them I just have been waiting for the right time. They're really just not your biggest fans after what happened and I think my Mom especially will be a little tricky to get back on board so…."

"Eve you know we can't do this without Livia's sign off….." and then, repeating it just in case she wasn't already acutely aware he murmured, "….you do know that right?"

"I know that, I do, I just….." rolling an apple between her palms Eve smiled with the closest she ever came to coy and sighed, "… it's just that I hate fighting with her. She's so stubborn and once she's made her mind up it's impossible to change it. It's horrid and so every single time we've ever disagreed I've backed down but…."

"Hey?" he coaxed, reaching for her chin and lifting her eyes back up from the grass.

"I won't back down on this. I won't back down on you. I will fight her all the way…." vowed Eve, crawling across the space between them and kicking one knee over his legs so she could straddle his lap, "…. I **won't** give you up."

"What's going on?" he asked, knowing it would take super human strength and an act of God to help him maintain his self-possession if she kept her little hands wandering the way they were in that moment. "What's happening here?"

"I'm forgiving you….." she whispered, her hands encircling his neck as she leant her body into his and, closing her eyes, pressed her lips against his lightly gaping mouth and breathed, "… that's what's happening."

"You sure this is what you…" there was nothing but certainty in the way she was kissing him, and far from saintly enough to ask twice Calvin snaked his arms around her tiny waist and hugged her tight into him.

"Ummhmm I'm sure."

"I miss this….." and then when she pulled a face he clarified with a smile, "… I missed you."

"I missed you…." she murmured, holding his face in her hands and kissing at his cheeks and then his lips again with an impish little grin, "… _and_ this."

"My family would love you like I do if I gave them the chance I know they would."

"So you'll…."

"I wanna marry you someday Bambi."

"What?" now it was her turn to stare speechlessly, and between that and the heady euphoria at being back in his arms once more Eve felt her heart beating out of her ears.

"Oh don't shit yourself I'm not proposing."

"I…."

"There just won't ever be anyone else…." he shrugged, as though the simple fact were carved across his heart, "…not for me."

"Cal…."

"You can meet my Mom, you can meet Texas, you can have anything I got to give because I just fucking love the crap out of you Bambi. I probably won't ever be good enough and we'll probably never get there but whatever..."

"You fucking love the crap out of me? That's really very romantic."

"I don't care about romantic….." he shrugged honestly, "… I don't care about any of that shit I just care about you."

"I care about you too."

"I'm not stupid. I know you're out of my league. I know how this will end. I know that twenty years from now when you're married to some Wall Street broker with your Upper East side brown stone and summer house in the Hamptons you won't even remember the loser you dated in high school but…."

"Don't say that. Don't you say that…." she spoke so ardently, her voice and eyes so full of certainty and devotion he almost doubted his words, "… it isn't true."

"Isn't it?"

"Cal I have no idea what will happen at the end of this year. I don't _know _what will happen to us when I go off to college. You just have to know that what I feel about you right here, right now, is real and I just want us to make the most of senior year and not worry about what happens next until it happens. Can we do that?"

"I dunno I mean…."

"Hey!"

"Of _course _we can you idiot…" he stated emphatically, choking a guttural laugh and stroking her cheek tenderly with his knuckles, "… so we're good? We're us again? You're my girl?"

"I'm your girl….." she nodded, grazing her nose against his and then tilting her head to kiss him softly, "… always."

* * *

"So you wanna do this as like his birthday thing?"

"Can do….." nodded Olivia, opening up their mail as Elliot meant on the kitchen counter beside her with a beer, "….we could take him to Smoke Farm for dinner and get them to do one of those Oreo cakes he loves? Take some candles and sneak them to the kitchen?"

"I reckon it's a plan. We'll persuade Mouse to give up her turn wearing the jersey and…."

"That damn jersey…." she laughed, reaching across to stroke lightly at the Eagle, Globe and Anchor of his forearm to show she meant to harm, "… but these look like our game tickets so I think we're all set."

"You didn't Will Call this time?" he chuckled, recalling their last trip to Yankee Stadium. "After you almost cuffed that poor mother of four for cutting in line?"

"She was horrendous and so out of order!" cried Olivia, not even making a real attempt to defend her overreaction.

"She wasn't actually committing a crime though….." he noted, coming up behind Olivia and hugging his arms around her waist, kissing her cheek and murmuring, "… other than pissing off my delicious wife."

"Delicious?" she pondered, furrowing perfectly sculpted brows and leaning back into his chest while considering whether this was an adjective she approved of.

"You ordered new cleats for his present right?"

"Yeah, yeah Fin picked them up for me and we'll get his cell phone screen fixed…." nodded Olivia, putting a reminder in her own phone to make both things happen, "…. can you take care of a card? You have an uncanny ability to understand fifteen year old boy humour."

"I hate it when you do that."

"What?" she asked innocently, swivelling around in his arms and straightening the collar of his shirt.

"Dress an insult up as a compliment so I don't notice it…." swatting away her hands and instinct to mother anything and anyone within reach he instead went in for a kiss, "… it's an unfortunate skill you have."

"Ermm, excuse me but _where _are your hands going at 3pm on a Tuesday afternoon Detective?"

"Straight down the back of your jeans Captain."

"You're shameless!"

"Have you walked past a mirror lately?" damn he was good, she thought as she conceded a wide smile. He was so bold, so shameless in his advances and she loved him for it. She knew he loved her, that was a given, but he also never gave her any doubt that he was every bit as much attracted to her as he had been all those years ago.

"Oh I feel something…."

"Well I mean you didn't have to point it out but…"

"My cell phone you absolute _animal,_ Elliot!" she laughed, a deep belly laugh that were a rare but beautiful break from her usual normal of understatement, sarcasm and melancholy.

"Who is it?"

"Unknown….." she mouthed, putting the phone to her ear and answering, "…. Captain Stabler?"

"Work?" mouthed Elliot back, but he couldn't tell from the look on her face. Unusually he couldn't read her at all. Her dark eyes went small, then terrifyingly wide. Her light tan fading to a ghostly pale.

"Of course, of course we'll be there as soon as we can…."

"Liv?"

"There's been a car accident."


	25. Aftershock

"It's gonna be okay, it is, it's gonna be fine and…."

"I love you Elliot but I swear if you say that one more time I will…."

"I'm sorry."

"No, no I am…" said Olivia, rising from her seat and smoothing the loose material of her blouse with a nauseated exhale, "… my God it feels like we've been here days already."

"Did you get through to Mouse yet?"

"She won't look at her phone for at least another hour. She'll still be cheering. Fin's headed over to the school to pick her up…." said Olivia, checking her cell phone one more time just to see if anyone had called, "….he said he'd call as soon as he had her."

"Okay, okay good."

"I can't just stand here I have to…."

"No, no babe…." grabbing at her wrist he dragged her back, struggling as she used her not inconsiderable strength to fight him off, "…. we gotta wait. We've got to trust they're doing everything they can."

"This is all my fault. If I had just….."

"Don't do that, don't go there. Don't start down that road now it won't help you it'll only drive you out of your mind."

"I already **am** out of my mind Elliot!" turning to him, her face the perfect picture of agony Olivia gasped, "Aren't you?"

"I think that we're just gonna have to…" it wasn't until then that she realised he was every bit as broke in two as she was, and that she was being unkind, "… maybe take it in turns to lose our shit here."

"Come here….." she instructed, reaching for him and hugging him close, burying her face in his shoulder and shaking her head slowly, "… don't let me do that. Don't let me do that to you."

"Dylan and Cynthia are gonna be just fine. They're gonna walk away from this and he is too."

"I know. I know he is. I know he's strong. He's had to be….." the words caught in her throat as she pulled back and met his watering blue eyes, "… we've been here before."

"I didn't call the kid Samson for nothing. He's our little warrior."

"Oh it's Fin!" she gasped, the second the phone clutched tightly in her hand began to ring. "Hey! No, no we don't know any more. They've still got him in surgery. How's my baby girl, did you tell her anything yet?"

"Tell him not to….." said Elliot, mouthing the words exaggeratedly so as to not let Fin overhear on the other end of the line, "…. I wanna sit her down with the two of us."

"She what? Of _course _she's there. Did you ask around? No, no I know you're not…. what'd you mean? What not at all?"

"What? What's going on?" asked Elliot, as his wife's face contorted with anxious, escalating panic.

"Babe she isn't at cheer practice….." murmured Olivia, holding her phone against her chest a moment and feeling her knees to weak as she met Elliot's eyes and added, "… she skipped school today. She never showed up."

"Mouse hasn't skipped school in her life. Even if she has the plague the kid never misses a single class."

"Fin you have** got** to find her. I don't care how. I don't care what you gotta do. Use uniform and squad cars out of the 1-6 if you want, you'll cover more ground that way…."

"Liv you can't do that…."

"Do you want to find our daughter or not?"

"She skipped school; she's not a missing person. You can't use police resources for that."

"Watch me…." defied Olivia, but Elliot stepped in and took the phone from her hand.

"Hey, hey buddy it's El…. yeah, yeah no we're not there yet…. you know her little friends as well as we do, call around…. the ice cream parlour two blocks from the school maybe, sometimes she goes with her friends to the bowling alley on…."

"Oh my God…." said Olivia, furious with herself that it hadn't been her first thought. "Who are we kidding Elliot we know _exactly _where that kid is?"

"We do?"

"Who's the one person she'd cut class and skip cheer practice to hang out with?"

"Fin, buddy, you gotta find Calvin…. yeah, yeah okay, thanks…. talk soon."

"Just wait till I get my hands on that little…."

"Take a breath, come on, just breathe it through….." hearing her own words from past crisis coming back to him now Elliot grabbed at her shoulders and shook her lightly, "….let it go, just let it go we've got bigger problems right now."

* * *

"Daddy…."

"What is it baby girl?"

"What happened?" whispered Eve, feeling almost guilty for asking her father had been so quiet since she had arrived at the hospital an hour or so earlier.

She had barely seen Olivia, only glimpsed her briefly as she'd been whisked into Sam's room when they had brought him up from theatre. He was only permitted to have one visitor at a time and Elliot was waiting for his turn.

"Cynthia was driving Dylan and Sam back from their field trip. She said the truck just shot a red light and came out of nowhere. Sam was in the passenger seat and it hit them side on."

"Oh my God…."

"Don't cry Mouse, please? Please don't cry if your Mom comes out and sees you she…." he knew she was in agony too, he knew she was just a child and she was terrified. He wanted to hold her. He wanted to let her fall apart in his arms and to be able to reassure her that everything was going to be okay the way he had Olivia. Yet he couldn't. He couldn't tell her those things he had told his wife because she was young enough, sweet and innocent enough to believe them. Olivia knew that he kind of injuries Sam had sustained were brutal and potentially fatal and that it would be a miracle if he survived at all let alone without serious lasting damage.

"I won't. I won't cry. I'll be strong….." vowed Eve, clamping her teeth down hard over her trembling bottom lip and reaching out a dainty little hand to her father's broad wrist, "… it's okay Dad. It's going to be okay."

"Fin said you skipped school today?"

"Yeah, yeah I ermm….." she had been so determined to stand up to them, to defend her relationship with Calvin no matter what but looking at the utter devastation in her father's tired face she couldn't do it, "… there was this CD signing at the mall."

"A CD signing?" she was lying through her pearly white teeth and Elliot knew it. The way her pretty face twitched guiltily when she told an untruth and the way she refused to look him in the eye.

"Carter Ryerson. I went with Jenn. You can ask her mom…." they both knew that nothing Jennifer's mother said was worth a dime and she was the one all the kids used as their easy alibi.

"Are you lying to me Evie Grace?"

"I…."

"For the same reason as Fin I'm going to let it go. I am every bit as pissed at you and even more so for how you just told me a blatant lie because my daughter wouldn't skip school to go to some stupid CD signing."

"Dad…."

"Your mother can't deal with you and that boy as well as your brother's accident right now. So we're going to park it but don't you think you've gotten away with this. Don't you think we won't revisit this little conversation we're not having right now."

"Yes sir…." she mumbled miserably, pinning her eyes on the ground and boring hot holes into it. For all the millions of times she'd wished to be a grown up in that moment she was just so very desperate to be his little girl again. She wanted him to comfort her, she wanted him to realise that she was terrified for her brother and couldn't come to terms with a choice between Calvin and Olivia.

"Coffee's up."

"Thanks…." smiled Elliot, for once profoundly grateful that Fin was such an integral part of their family, "… grab a seat."

"You sure? I can come back later if…."

"Elliot?" came a voice that caused all their heads to shoot up toward the room in which Sam was being treated.

"That's me, I'm Elliot….." clambering up from his chair and wiping damp palms down the thighs of his jeans he extended a hand to the young doctor and swallowed, "… I'm his Dad."

"Ordinarily we are quite strict on the one visitor rule but….." she was trained for this, just the way he was thought Elliot grimly to himself as she forced her bravest smile, "… I need to speak with both you and your wife at this time."

"Fin what's going on?"

"I don't know, baby girl….." reaching for her hand Fin swallowed it up in his broad palm and squeezed it gently, "… I don't know."

"He just took me apple picking, that's all."

"Not now, Evie….." speaking with a gruff, dismissive tone Fin kept a clutched hand around hers but insisted, "… just not now."

"It's bad isn't it?" she whispered, wishing someone would talk. She needed to talk, even if it wasn't really even to say anything. The silence was torture to her. "What's happened to Sam is really bad?"

"Yeah, yeah baby girl it's bad."

* * *

"He is fourteen years old Elliot."

"I know."

"All that little boy cares about is football. All he cares about is running around a field with that stupid ball and….."

"I know, Liv."

"I bought him those cleats and they're top of the range and they have those special, those things that are supposed to help you…. " shaking her head, her bangs falling into her eyes Olivia swept her head around and met Elliot's eyes, "… what the fuck is he supposed to do with them now?"

"Oh Liv…." he murmured, coming out to join her in the deserted loading bay. Her quiet solace.

"He's never gonna play football again!"

"Olivia…"

"I had all these dreams for him Elliot. I know every mother does. I know every parent does but I just had these pictures. Him starting at QB in the fall like he's so heart set on. Playing college ball, joining the academy, being a detective someday and running around the yard with his little kids and….."

"Oh my God you can't do this, you can't, you'll just go crazy…." but when he went to her, when he tried to hold her, she frozen, clenched every muscle, held hands outstretched and defensive.

"I _know_ he could be in the freakin' Paralympics. I know he could be a freakin' neuroscientist or work an NYPD desk job but I don't give a **shit** Elliot. What if he can't have kids? What if…."

"I…."

"It isn't fair!" turning around threw the full weight of her body into a punch that hit so hard against the wall he heard her knuckle bones crunch against the brick. "SON OF A BITCH!"

"Olivia!" he yelled, rushing to her side as she went ghostly white and slumped against the wall in shock. Blood seeping from brick grated knuckles he pinned it, elevated, against her shoulder and held it there while staring wide eyed at her. "What the hell, babe?"

"I'm gonna be…." pushing him away she bent double, holding her stomach with her undamaged hand and retching up its contents as he held her hair.

"You okay?"

"Yeah, yeah I'm fine….." reaching up to her hair and pushing his hands away she took a step back, wiping her mouth on the back of her hand and looking at him with a detachment that terrified him, "… I'm fine."

"Liv…."

"I just need to be alone for a while."

"I…."

"I'm fine."

* * *

"The good news is that he's awake. Sam is awake. He's responding to us being in there with him and he's okay. He's going to pull through this and he's not got any brain damage or lasting organ damage and that's really just what we need to focus on."

"Thank God." Said Fin, nodding slowly as he sat clutching Eve's hand on the plastic bucket seats of a rather clinical feeling family room.

"However…." continued Elliot, his throat stinging and his chest burning. Unable to look at his daughter as he spoke he turned to Olivia, who sat mute and numb on the sofa beside him. Turning back, knowing she was not going to be able to help him break this news he felt the weight of responsibility fall solely on his shoulders.

"Dad?" came the small voice from opposite him, as Eve's eyes lifted to mirror his own.

"Sam's spinal cord was injured in the accident in a way that means there isn't anything the doctors can do to…."

"Oh no, no….." mumbled Fin, knowing where this was going.

"I mean we're gonna keep asking questions and keep trying to figure out a way we can…."

"Sam's paralysed."

"Liv…" warned Elliot, as his wife's voice came out of nowhere with a cold detachment and startlingly frank statement of fact.

"I mean there's no sense in lying to the kid….." as Fin and Elliot shared uneasy glances Eve felt the bottom of her world fall out, "… her brother's not gonna walk again."

"Okay, okay I think that we should probably just take a minute to…."

"Mom?" called Eve, as Olivia wandered to the water cooler and turned her back.

"El I mean after the 1-6 explosion you were in a chair for a while but with therapy and rehab you got better? Can't he?" asked Fin, but the answer was in Elliot's misty gazed reply.

"I don't think so."

"Elliot we **know** so. Why won't you accept that? Why won't you accept medical facts?"

"Liv be careful….." cautioned Fin, throwing his eyes at Eve who sat physically shaking beside him.

"She's old enough to screw around with Calvin behind my back she's old enough to hear the truth."

"Olivia!"

"You don't think I know where you were when your brother got in the accident?" spat Olivia, narrowing her eyes and jabbing an accusatory finger at Eve.

"I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! I never meant to lie but we were just apple picking I _swear _Momma!"

"Hey, hey baby girl how about you and me take a walk okay? Let's go get some air? Come on, doll….." grabbing at her wrist and then draping an arm around her Fin propelled Eve toward the door, hustling her out of it before Olivia could come back with a reply.

"How **dare** you….."

"Oh don't….." shrugging Elliot off of her Olivia stalked across the room, hugging her arms around herself and spitting venomously, "… just _don't_ Elliot."

"She is a _child _Olivia. She is a frightened kid who is broken hearted about her brother and you lay that crap on her!"

"I can't deal with this right now…."

"YOU DON'T HAVE A CHOICE!"

"SCREW YOU!"

"GET BACK HERE!"

"I WAS SUPPOSED TO DRIVE HIM!"

"What?" asked Elliot gaspingly, as Olivia choked on her own yell and fell back slightly against the cooler.

"I was supposed to….." her voice breaking to a high pinch she looked up at the ceiling, refusing to allow herself the relief of tears. "It was my turn to drive the kids. I was meant to take them. Only something came up at work the way it _always_ does and so I called Cynthia and I had her do it."

"Oh babe….."

"I've kept telling myself all these years that my family comes first but its bullshit. I say over and over how my kids come before my job but if that were true then my little girl wouldn't be skipping school to screw around with nineteen year old fuck up and my son wouldn't be crippled."

"Liv….."

"Don't touch me, just…" backing away from him she moved to the door, avoiding his eyes and murmuring, "… just let me be."

* * *

"You're here."

"Course I'm here."

"How'd you get back so soon?" asked Eve, her voice barely a whisper as she wandered across the car park to where Calvin was leaning against his truck waiting for her. "I only text you like five minutes ago."

"I never left."

"You've been out here this whole time?" she swallowed, certain that even though it had felt like years since he had driven her here even in real time several hours must still have passed.

"I'll be in so much trouble if they figure out I'm not getting food in the cafeteria. They're already pissed I was with you today."

"I can go if you…."

"No, no don't….." finally free to cry the tears she had been fighting for hours Eve's face crumbled as she fell into his waiting arms and grabbed at handfuls of his hoodie desperately, "… don't go, don't go I need you."

"You got me, baby, I'm right here….." wrapping her tightly in his grip Calvin stroked at her hair repeatedly, whispering softly into her temple and kissing it tenderly, "… you're alright, you're safe, I'm here."

"Cal he…. it's…. he…."

"Shh don't talk a minute, just breathe, just catch your breath, you're okay….." he soothed, rubbing her back and pressing his forehead against hers as her whole body shook with the force of her sobs, "…. here, do it with me okay, we'll just breathe together."

"O… okay…."

"All the way from your belly and then hold it a second…." as she followed his instruction Eve felt herself slowly finding calm, and clinging to him she suspected this was not the first time Calvin Arliss had talked a hysterical woman down from the ledge, "…. now let it go, real slow."

"I…can't….."

"You're not going deep enough, right from here…." he could feel her panic as he parted their bodies slightly but he persisted, reaching down a hand and laying his broad palm out flat against the taught muscle of her lower abdomen, "…. big deep breaths, come on, look at my eyes and try."

"Cal…."

"That's it, baby, you got it…." he smiled, kissing her forehead and nodding with relief, "… better?"

"Calvin he's never gonna walk again."

"What?" feeling like someone had struck his face suddenly it was Calvin's turn to feel winded. It wasn't possible. It wasn't fair. Things ike that didn't happen to the Stabler family.

"They saved his life….. he's alive…" she was trembling, her whole body and her bottom lip as she forced a manic little smile, "… he's awake and we have to thank God for that so…."

"God?"

"I've been praying."

"Oh."

"And Fin and I spoke with the doctor and they're gonna be able to save his arms and they think also his hands with some therapy and….."

"Bambi breathe…..." he whispered, stroking at her face with his rough hand and looking down at her feeling so horribly helpless, "… breathe, baby."

"They can't do that for his legs though. They can't do anything. He's just broken. He's not going to get better he's not going to…."

"Oh _Evie_….." he murmured, pulling her back into his arms and hugging her tight.

"I have to go…." she sniffed miserably, closing her eyes as hot, fresh tears fell and she wiped her nose on her sleeve, "… they'll figure out I'm gone soon and I don't want to freak them out."

"What can I do? Tell me how I can help you?"

"I don't know what's going to happen… I don't know if we're gonna all stay here tonight or…. they won't even let me see him yet or…." flustered, her head so full she could barely form sentences Eve shook her head and reached to his jaw, tracing her fingertips along it, "…. I wish you could stay with me."

"You'll be fine, you can do this."

"I have to be fine. I have to be in there. My Mom is….." she couldn't even think about Olivia, it hurt too much, "… and my Dad needs me to be strong. They all need me to be strong."

"I don't….." he said quietly, speaking so deep into her eyes she could feel it warm her shivering soul, "… so just text me okay? I'm here."

"Thank you….." leaning up to kiss him before tearing herself away and knowing if she didn't make a run for it now she never would Eve dashed back across the parking lot to the hospital entrance, turning back and giving a little wave and mouthing, "… I love you."

"I love you too Bambi…." said Calvin, aloud, to the empty cars around him.


	26. Even Angels Fall

_**I can't always promise that updates will be so consistently frequent... but I wrote these few back to back and I feel like the atmosphere is maintained better when they're read as such so I saw no reason to stagger them. Just felt like I should forewarn you that when I don't have a long bank holiday weekend we might return to a fractionally slower deliver rate ;)**_

* * *

"Hi baby boy, hey, hey how are you feeling?"

"Great Mom, great, I'm on top of the freakin' world."

"Can I get you anything? Are you thirsty?" fussing ever so carefully at the pillow behind Sam's head Olivia forced her best smile. "Warm enough? Too warm?"

"Stop, please? Please just stop."

"Sam I…." stepping back, holding her hands in the air and curling her trembling fingers Olivia stared down at him helplessly. His whole back was in brace, and his neck still tightly screwed into place to save any further jarring of his spine. He looked like Frankenstein's monster. Like something out of a horror movie. She couldn't even hold him.

"Just stop. Please just….." unable to move anything beyond his face Sam's eyes wandered from side to side, lost and soulless, "… shut up."

"I've been home and I picked up some of the cards and presents and flowers your friends have left. I really like this one here from Dickie, it's funny in a kind of strange way…."

"Is it?" no, no of course it wasn't she thought, cursing herself under her breath for having sad something so utterly inane. Nothing was funny right now.

"The girls sent a whole basket of stuff. All the things you like. Candy from Maureen, a comic book from Katie. Lizzie got you some of that old fashioned soda from Coney Island that you used to guzzle like a little fish when you were little."

"Nice."

"Your whole class wrote in a card, there are some really sweet notes. Oh and I almost forgot there was something in here from Coach and the team that…."

"What day is it today?" he had lost track. Most of the time it felt like an entire lifetime had passed since he had been admitted. In other moments he was still being cut out of the car and it was all happening over and over again in his jumbled head.

"Friday, babe, it's….." holding herself, physically holding herself as she looked down at her son and watched the world he had known disappearing from reach Olivia whispered, "… it's Friday."

"Friday night….." said Sam, turning his head as best he could to the window and noting the setting sun.

"Sammy…."

"It's fine. I don't care. I've got time to get better before the fall."

"Sweetheart…." she was holding her breath and after several moments she began to feel quite light headed. They had to make him understand. She had to make him understand that which she knew Elliot was yet to accept. He would never walk out on that field on a Friday night with his team again.

"Where's Vee?" he asked suddenly, realising that there had been on notable absence in the constant parade of visitors that had darkened his door in the past twenty four hours.

"Evie? She's….."

"Whatever."

"She's been here, she's here, she's just….."

"So I think I'm gonna go back to sleep now."

"Okay! Okay sure, sure that's probably….." reaching down and stroking at his forehead, her fingertips cold against his lightly clammy skin, "….that's a good idea, baby boy."

"Don't call me that."

"What?" it was like a minefield, the whole earth was live and she was just one step short of obliteration.

"Turn the light off on your way out, yeah?"

* * *

"Mom?"

"Not now Evie…."

"But…."

"I said not now!"

"Why are you being so mean to me!" protested Eve, having been driven by Elliot straight from school to the hospital and now on the receiving end of Olivia's mood at the end of a second day without sleep.

"This isn't _about _you Eve! Can't you understand that? Can't you understand that this is about your brother and how sick he is and…."

"Hey, hey what's going on here?" he had only turned his back for a moment, thought Elliot, and somehow Olivia had managed to wage another war. If it wasn't the doctors or nurses it was a fellow visitor or the poor janitor who had come to clean Sam's room.

"Mom hates me." Stated Eve, arms folded and bottom lip poking slightly beyond her top as she looked to her father miserably.

"Oh don't be such a child Eve…." warned Olivia, so far beyond exhausted it was a considerable effort just to draw air into her lungs. Shaking her head slowly back and forth as she brushed the hair back from her face with a hand still bandaged from her raging punch the previous day and closed her eyes. "I don't hate you. Of course I don't hate you."

"I just don't understand what I did wrong!" it wasn't just for the right now; it was a broader wail from Eve. Something had changed and she wasn't sure if it was since the accident, or since Olivia had found out about her orchard trip with Calvin but the knot in her stomach as a result grew by the minute.

"Where were you yesterday?" asked Olivia, her eyes dark and demanding as though she were facing off a suspect. Pinning her daughter to the mint green wall and standing with her hands braced on her hips she waited for an answer.

"I….." swallowed Eve, keeping true to her promise that she would never lie to Olivia's face and she would never again deny her love for Calvin, "… well….. I was…."

"Say it."

"Liv don't do this to her, don't torture her, not right now…." said Elliot with a gentle beseeching as he put himself physically between the two women. "We know where she was and we'll get round to….."

"You lied to me."

"No! No I didn't I just….."

"Lying by omission is no less wrong Eve and you _know_ that. We have always had the strictest policy that we don't keep things from one another and…."

"I **didn't** lie! Not really!" increasingly desperate, feeling like everything was sand and just running through her fingers as she clutched desperately at the falling grains of her fairy tale world as it crumbled. "I was going to tell you but then Sam got in his accident and…."

"You're not to see that boy again."

"Mom…."

"Olivia let's just take a breath, let's just all take a breath and…." but there were few people on earth strong enough to dam the intensity of emotion Olivia Benson was capable of, and even Elliot was struggling to match her strength.

"Sam was just so good and kind and he was never the fastest or the smartest but he was just the _sweetest _little boy and now he is broken! He is **broken **and…."

"Momma you're scaring me…." and she was not the only one, thought Elliot grimly as Olivia shrugged him off as he attempted to manoeuvre her away.

"He won't ever walk again Eve. He's going to be in a wheelchair for the rest of his life and that is my fault, that is on me and I have to accept that but if you think that I'm going to stand back and watch the same thing happen to you?"

"I'm not going to….."

"You think because you're so smart and so pretty and nothing in your perfect little world has ever gone wrong that you're invincible. Everything you have ever touched has just turned to gold and you think that you can just run and run and run and never fall down well you are **wrong**, sweet girl."

"I…"

"Liv stop it….." warned Elliot, his voice beginning to resonate with an increasing determination to prevent the looking train wreck, "… just stop."

"You are perfect Evie Grace. You are my perfect, perfect little angel and I couldn't put myself between Sammy and disaster, I couldn't save him. I looked away. I turned away and he got hurt and that is _not_ going to happen to you. So there will be no more running around this city with that boy and if I have to…."

"I love him."

"You don't know what love _**is**_ Evie!"

"Yes I** do**! I do, I do and I love Calvin and you can't stop me from….."

"He lives in a world of drugs and sex and violence and it is _no place_ for my little girl."

"I'm not a little girl anymore and he's not like that and you _know that_ Mom!"

"He took your virginity when you were barely sixteen years old and he…."

"Oh nice, that's real nice Mom, throwing that at me now?"

"I wish you wouldn't do this Olivia….." said Elliot with a quiet, deeply saddened calm as he knew the only way he could stop this playing out was to physically remove one of them. He couldn't make it Olivia and so instead he grabbed at Eve's hand and pleaded. "Come on, baby, come on Mouse let's just go get some air and calm down and…."

"It wasn't like that and you know it. You **know** that there was nothing seedy or wrong about me sleeping with Cal." Shaking Elliot from off of her Eve folded her arms flat across her chest and stared Olivia right in the eyes, "It was love."

"Oh grow up!" scoffed Olivia, professionally unflappable but far from able to maintain the same composure around her daughter. The two were dynamite and though so many times they had lit each other's fuse they had never come so close to imploding as they did in that moment. Standing just a few feet apart in the hospital corridor with Elliot powerless to intervene Eve and Olivia took up arms.

"I made _**love **_to him that night and how dare you try to ruin my memory of it now!"

"I am just trying to protect you and…."

"By making me feel like a slut?"

"Oh wow, okay no, no you two are done. Olivia back the hell off and Mouse….." grabbing at her wrist with greater force this time Elliot wrapped his fingers tightly around it's tiny circumference and dragged Eve at pace toward the entrance lobby, "….come on, we're going outside, time out, let's just…."

"No! No let go of me!"

"EVIE!"

"No Dad if we're gonna do this let's do it, let's say what we're really thinking and feeling because _clearly_ Mom was never really okay with any of this she was just patronizing me and bullshitting the whole time she pretend to…."

"You do not get to talk to your mother like that Evie…." shooting her an icy blue glare Elliot shook his head with a slow, deliberate warning, "…. you just don't."

"But she lied! She _lied_ to me when I thought we were being open and honest it was all fake! She was just….."

"Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow or this week but he will destroy you Evie."

"Mom….." the power of Olivia's words stole Eve's breath, they were so dark, so twisting with prophetic doom she could barely digest them.

"He will take everything that is good and innocent and he will make it dark. I don't want to hurt you baby girl but…."

"But you _are_ hurting me….." whispered Eve, her voice fading to a rasping choke.

"Liv there are some fights you can come back from and I swear to God if you don't stop this right now then…."

"I like Calvin a lot. I care about….." her head spinning, her blood running so thin and fast it made her dizzy Olivia blinked rapidly and swallowed, "… I _love _Calvin but…"

"So then_ why_ are you…."

"He is a good guy, he means well but he won't ever get out of that life Evie."

"He will! He will! And…."

"Sooner or later he will get sucked back in, dragged back down and I can't let you go with him. I know you're in love with him. I know just how deeply you are in love with him I swear to God you have no idea how I know that. I'm scared to death of it because it will cripple you the same way that car did your brother."

"Did you _seriously _just compare Calvin to a car crash? Did you seriously just call Sam a cripple?"

"I…."

"Screw you."

"Olivia walk away, please I am begging you, I am _begging you_..." covering his open mouth with his hand Elliot felt his stomach twist, knot, and nauseated he repeated, "… just walk away."

"That boy will break your heart Evie."

"No, no he won't."

"Eve…."

"But you just did."

"Mouse come back here, come back she didn't mean….." yelled Elliot, as Eve took off at pace down the corridor, her long hair flying out behind her like a white flag of surrender.

"Yes she did….." spat Eve bitterly, halting dead in her tracks and whipping her head around to stare at both of her parents, "…_**yes **_she did."

"Eve…." as if stepping out from some trance Olivia felt blinded and deafened simultaneously by a sudden clarity.

The realisation of all she had said and how she had allowed her demons to devastate not only her, but the frightened, disenchanted little girl looking back at her disconsolate. Love and hate: two sides of the same coin. Having once been the idol around which Eve's world had rotated and the rock on which she had built her life Olivia fell cataclysmically from grace. Though not naïve enough to imagine her perfect Eve had believed her as close as was humanly possible. It felt for both mother and daughter as though as though darkness had swallowed the sun.

"Go to hell Mom."

* * *

"Hi there?"

"Hey, hi, I ermm…" lowering her eyes from the face she knew just had to be Texas there was a moment of quiet as Eve considered her next move and mumbled, "… is Calvin home?"

"No, no he's at work….." not sure whether she was doing the right thing or not Texas hesitated before venturing, "… can I help?"

"No, no it's fine. I'm fine."

"Did you call him? Sometimes he can answer his phone at …."

"I don't have my cell. I don't have anything I…." this girl was shaking, her hands and lips trembling noted Texas as she stood falling apart on her doorstep, "…. I left in kind of a hurry."

"Eve?" it was an educated guess and one proven accurate when two blue eyes lifted to meet hers and the girl nodded slowly, as if deciding whether or not to trust her.

"Texas?" of course it was her, thought Eve with an exhausted little smile. How many exotic looking pregnant women could Calvin possibly have answering his door?

"Look he's usually home in like a half hour or so and I just made sweet tea so if you wanted to wait then you're welcome to…."

"Are you sure?" remembering the heavenly nectar she had enjoyed on Florida vacations Eve didn't know whether she felt comforted or even more wretched. Olivia loved sweet tea.

"Mi abuela had the best recipe in the Lone Star State, God rest her soul….." naturally maternal by nature Texas felt as though she had been given enough of a green light by Eve to proceed with friendly caution, and so stepping back to allow her through the doorway she beckoned her inside, "… come on in, honey. You look like you could do with the sugar."

"Who is it Texas? Do we have company?"

"It's Cora from work!" and the with espresso brown eyes, almost black to the naked eye and so full of stories and wisdom Texas winked at Eve, "She can't _stand _Cora. She'll stay in her room if she thinks she's visiting."

"Oh I don't mind….." said Eve, nothing if not polite around new company and, despite her distress, wildly curious as to the face behind the voice hollering from a bedroom down the hall, "… is that Calvin's mother?"

"Trust me, honey. I love that woman like she's mi madre but she's _a lot _sometimes. She's all kinds of crazy and wonderful but not when you're running on an empty tank….." sliding out a chair from the table Texas grabbed at Eve's shoulders and plopped her down into it, "… plus I don't know what Calvin's rules are on you meeting Viv and I don't want to get either of us into trouble."

"He doesn't talk much about her."

"That doesn't shock me…." and though her knowing smile was kind it unnerved Eve how warm and open she was. It would be so much easier if she was unlikeable, closed off, and resentful of her. Texas knew more about Calvin than anyone in the world and now she couldn't even hate her for it.

"He talks about you though….." ventured Eve, getting all caught up in the spider web and feeling for the first time in hours distracted from her fight with Olivia.

"All bad I hope…." winked Texas. Damn it, thought Eve she's funny too. "No, no I'm joking don't wrinkle your pretty face, and don't worry because he talks about you too, guapa."

"He does?"

"Oh boy does he ever….." nodded Texas, tilting her head and fully drinking in the tear stricken stranger at her table.

Though she had only known Eve Stabler a matter of minutes it wasn't difficult to see how Calvin had fallen so spectacularly in love with her. Those eyes, those cheekbones, she wasn't just stunningly attractive she was the most alive little thing she had ever seen. The way her lashes fluttered around, never settling for too long, the way her cheeks dimpled when she flashed a little smile. She sparked mischief, wonderment, radiated an aura that in her hands she held possibility and the capacity to do anything she set her mind to. That wasn't a quality you found in their neighbourhood. It wasn't something cultivated by struggling, fighting to survive, clawing your way out of the gutter and staggering to your feet. It was rare and it was captivating. She was captivating. Texas liked her, she liked her a lot, and that fact was both a profound relief and her greatest heartache all at the same time.

"You want something to eat?" shaking her head with a grateful smile Eve wondered if she would ever feel hungry again. If she would ever feel anything beyond the gnawing guilt of what had happened to Sam and the agony of having fought so bitterly with Olivia.

"No, no thank you but I'm not hungry."

"Ugh then don't mind me stuffing my face…." rustling open a bag of donuts Texas plucked one out and sunk her teeth into it, leaving a sugary rim across her top lip, "… I am starving."

"You been at work today?"

"Class, work, other work….." groaned Texas, then smiling with a gentle concern she licked her lips and asked cautiously, "…. I heard your brother got into an accident?"

"Yeah, yeah he did."

"Spinal injury?"

"I guess Calvin told you."

"Only to ask me nurse-y questions not to break your confidence…." though it went without saying it was exactly the reassurance Eve needed verbalised in a moment of profound vulnerability sat in the Arliss' kitchen, "… you don't have to be okay you know, guapa."

"Yes I do."

"No, nah-ah, not true. You might have to _pretend_ like you are at that hospital because that's what families do. But don't have to be okay with this and it is **more** than okay not to be okay here….." ignoring her earlier refusal Texas fished into the donut bag and pulled one out, holding it out for Eve, "… we're all pretty fucked up in this house."

"That's not…." and then, with a painfully awkward little laugh Eve fell quiet.

"You know what I wish someone had told me when I was still a baby like you?"

"What?"

"There's no weakness in asking for help."

"They do smell really good….." came the reluctant, skewed half smile as Eve finally conceded and accepted a donut, taking a bite and chewing slowly.

"You know these kinda talks usually go so much better if you're wasted but I'm pregnant and your twelve so…."

"I'm sixteen and a half."

"You still measure your age in half years?" came the spirited cackle as Texas got up to refill their tea glasses. "You are _definitely_ not ready to hit the hooch, honey!" pouring a little more sugar into the jug and giving it a good stir she sloshed a generous pouring into Eve's cup and pinched her cheek lightly, "Never mind, we'll just have to get high on sugar instead."

* * *

"Tex? I'm home…."

"Cal!"

"Bambi?" he asked, startled to see Eve standing in his back yard hanging laundry on the line with Texas. "I wrote you a million texts and left you so many messages…."

"Cal….." was all she could say as she ran barefoot across the grass and into his arms never having been more relieved in her life to feel the strength of them around her. "I left my phone behind I left everything at the hospital I just got some lady to buy my subway ticket and I kind of half remembered when you said you lived and then Texas let me wait for you and she's so nice she's really so super nice and…."

"Oh my God you gotta breathe….." he cut in quickly before she babbled herself hoarse. "What the hell happened?" and then feeling the way she clung to him and hearing the tears in her voice he softened to add, "I mean like, apart from the obvious, what happened?"

"My Mom….." was all she had to say, her beautiful face so perfectly twisted in anguish as she barely finally drew a lungful of air and almost choked on it.

"Okay, okay you don't have to talk about it now….." he nodded, keeping his arm tightly around her shoulders as he walked her to the porch steps, "… we'll get to that."

"Can I stay here?"

"Bambi…."

"Please? Please I can't go back there!" breathless and gasping she broke down once more, sinking to the porch step and burying her tears in her hands. "You can't make me! It's horrid and….."

"Shh….." dropping down beside her he dragged her back into his arms and cradled her gently, rocking back and forth, "… it's okay, it's gonna be alright."

"No it isn't, it isn't, it's all ruined! Sammy is so… so hurt… and my Mom…. my Momma hates me and….."

"Oh Evie, Evie, Evie baby no….." rubbing at her back and stroking her hair with soothing repetition Calvin met Texas' eyes across the yard and searched in them for an answer she didn't have. "Baby they're just upset, they're just figuring out how to deal with this and lashing out and…."

"I have to pee really bad….." came the snuffling voice from his chest as Eve lifted her head, red eyes raw and her face blotchy, "…. I drank a lot of tea."

"Through the kitchen, down the hall, second door on the left….." she was just adorable in ways he couldn't even begin to describe and even snotty and sobbing and a shattered into a million pieces on his porch step she was still the most beautiful thing he had ever seen, "…you be okay? I can…."

"I don't want you to watch me pee that's really weird…." not even sure whether she was laughing or crying anymore Eve used his shoulder to help her stand, and then stroked gently at his cheek, ".. but thanks."

"Oh my God, mija that little girl is a mess….." said Texas, once Eve was safely out of earshot.

"I don't know if it's the right thing to do letting her hide out here….." doubted Calvin, trapped between a rock and a place no less hostile, "…..her parents are _really _good people Tex."

"And really good people still do really stupid things when they're at the end of their rope. I don't know them like you do but all I do know is that that kid is destroyed…" shrugging her shoulders and arching a thick, black brow Texas challenged, "….. and they did that to her."

"No, no they wouldn't…."

"She needed a safe place and she chose you. She needed a place where she could run to away from all the screaming and the crying and you _know_ how important that can be. Of all the friends, all the family, all the people in this city you know she could've gone to she came to you."

"I know."

"You gotta be on her side."

"I am on her side. Of course I'm on her side…."

"Even if it means upsetting your precious Olivia?" not only did she know him well enough to find his Achilles heel, she was more than willing to kick him in it, "You have to make a choice Calvin. Where does your loyalty lie? With Evie or with her mother?"

"I don't have to make a choice….." said Calvin with a slow, steady, unequivocal nod.

"Okay? So?" wondered Texas, knowing with Calvin these things could always go either way and he often didn't provide you with enough words to guess which.

"Your bathroom smells like the beach…." hiccoughed Eve as she wandered back out onto the porch, "…..like lotion and summer."

"Bambi you can stay here as long as you want…." grabbing at her tear stained face as soon as she walked close enough Calvin bent down and pressed a affirming kiss against her forehead and nodded, "…. and I love you."

"I really…. really needed….." determined not to cry again she held her breath a moment, chewing on her cheek and then forcing a smile, "… _really _needed to hear that."

"Yeah well, I mean it."

"What about your Mom? Will she mind? What about Texas?"

"Hey Tex? Texas?" sliding an arm around her waist Calvin called out across the tiny, unkempt yard to where his friend had returned to her chores.

"Yes mi amor?" came the singsong voiced reply as Texas finished hanging the clothes out and then wandered back across to them with the laundry basket propped on her hip beside her tiny baby bump.

"Are we sure we don't mind Bambi hanging out here?"

"Are you sure _you_ don't mind?" cut in Eve, finding her voice again in this new world so different from her own.

"Mi casa es tu casa, guapa."

Eve had expected something quite different than she had found in Texas. From everything she had heard she had come to picture her as an old soul, cynical, beaten down by life and clinging at Calvin's coat tails the way Vivian did. In reality she was one of the most immediately warm people she had ever met. There was no side to her. Despite all the complexities of her life, how deeply she obviously still cared for Calvin she hadn't let it make her hard or bitter. She had every possible reason to hold Eve at arms' length and no obligation to help her and yet there she was setting an extra place at the table. Never again would Eve allow her family to judge this one. Never again would she let anyone tell her that these were not good people or to infer that she was better than them.


	27. Gonna Break Down The Breakdown

_**This and a half written next chapter are the last in my pre-written batch. I have been absolutely blown away by all your wonderfully detailed and thoughtful reviews and I just wanted to thank you for them, and to let each and every one of you know that I do read them carefully and take all that you say on board. Obviously it isn't possible to please everyone and still also stay true to the voice I believe the characters have, especially the original ones (I bow to higher wisdom on those owned by NBC!) but I am **_**always_ ready and willing to take stuff on board and bend. _**

**_You will no doubt feel that there are some key conversations missing from this. I'll give you a mini 'trailer' for 'next time on Ours...' and let you know that the scenes in the next instalment include, in no particular order: Elliot & Olivia, Fin & Eve, Elliot & Sam and last but no doubt far from least... Olivia and Eve. I have not forgotten them, nor will they be skipped over. All in good time._**

**_Hope you continue to read, review, and most importantly enjoy the ride :)_**

* * *

"You two have a fight?"

"Oh my God can I smell crackcakes?" snorting himself awake and amusing Texas with the groaning growl Calvin yelped as he stretched out his considerable frame over the tiny sofa.

"Calvin what the hell are you doing out here? Evie kick you out of bed?"

"I want Fluff on mine."

"Fluff on pancakes is gross so you'll have fruit and syrup like a normal person…." instructed Texas, flashing him a no arguments look and brandishing her flipping spatula, "… is she up? Does she want breakfast?"

"I'll go wake her and yeah, yeah she's always hungry."

"Seriously, mija?" asked Texas, genuinely concerned and feeling as though she ought to be briefed before she put her foot in it. "You two okay?"

"Yeah, yeah no we're good we're just not….." though far from bashful or coy when talking about sex there was something a little awkward about discussing with Texas in relation to Eve, "… she's a hot mess so we're just not, you know, whatever."

"I see…."

"What?" he grumbled, still half asleep as he raked the hair from his eyes and squinted at her unreadable expression. "What's that face?"

"She's changed you Arliss….." had this been them several years earlier, he would not have slept on the sofa she thought to herself with a sharp twinge of regret.

"I'm not a fucking animal Tex."

"I didn't mean….." yes she did, and in truth there were moments in the past where their relationship had been almost feral.

"I wanna do this right, you know? I don't ever want to be something she regrets."

"Wow…." and only then did it hit her, only then standing in the living room in her apron holding her spatula did Texas feel the full weight of his feelings for Eve come crashing down over her head.

"Tex?" he softened. She wasn't a crier. Which made her watery eyes even harder to bear.

"You and her? It's the real deal, isn't it?" she had known it before, of course she had, only she had always had this strange, small hope that it would eventually burn out. That somehow one day she and Calvin would find each other again and he would look at her the way she saw him look at Eve.

"This really okay with you? Having her here? Only if it isn't I can…."

"Calvin I haven't seen you this happy in….." smoothing the apron pouch over her rounded stomach Texas forced herself to remember all the good things and flipping her lashes to the ceiling she took a moment, rallied herself, and then flashed a smile, "…hell I've _never _seen you this happy. Forget about me."

"Never."

"Go wake her up and I'll put the coffee on."

* * *

"Hey, hey sleepy head….."

"Hmmmm…." this was when she was most perfect, thought Calvin to himself as he sat on the edge of his bed gently stroking at Eve's hair and face in an attempt to wake her. In the lazy sun shadows of the early morning, in that halfway house between awake and dreaming, her tanned face and gentle breathing was just everything that was right in the world.

"Morning baby…." he murmured, leaning down and kissing her forehead softly before trailing his kisses down her nose and finally finding her smiling lips, "…. how you feeling?"

"Did I dream it? Tell me I dreamt it. Tell me Sammy isn't hurt and my Mom doesn't hate me and…."

"Your Mom does **not** hate you. That I know for a fact."

"Are you bigger than before?"

"What?" almost choking himself Calvin's eyes sprang open and he stared down at her as she giggled.

"Your arms and your chest!" she clarified quickly, "You're body not your _business_ you sicko!"

"Oh…" he snickered, as she hauled herself up from the pillow to better admire his broad chest and sculpted arms, "…. I dunno, am I? I've been working out more maybe?"

"Well I can tell…." perhaps she just hadn't noticed it at the orchard, or perhaps it was the first time in a while she'd seen him shirtless, either way Eve's blue eyes danced tantalized across Calvin's body and her light touch grazed his skin, "…you look good."

"Tex is making pancakes. They're fucking incredible so you should get dressed and come eat."

"In a minute…." she whispered, half of her heart feeling guilty for all the rushing desires coursing her blood in the wake of everything else going on around them, the other half not able to care about anything beyond how badly she wanted him in that moment.

"Bambi…." he breathed as she crawled closer to him, kneeling up on the bed so his t-shirt fell like a dress on her tiny frame, "… what you doing?"

"Kissing you…" came the hot murmur in reply as she stroked her fingertips lightly at the nape of his neck and he instinctively folded his arms around her waist and drew her in.

"Hey, hey, no….." he cautioned, shaking his head as she simply shook hers back in defiance and bit lightly on her lip.

"I miss you….." she confessed, surrendering a little blush as she pushed him down onto the mattress and teased her hand below his waist.

"Evie no…." he insisted, squirming out from under her and walking over to the chair in the corner of the room to fetch his sweat pants, "… let's just go eat."

"Don't you _want_ to?" asked the vulnerable expression from the bed as she sat crossed legged and rejected. "Don't you want me?"

"Not like this…." he said, fishing into his wardrobe, finding her the smallest pair of sweats he could and carrying them back to the bed where he kissed her softly, "… not when it's just a band aid."

"It isn't!" she protested, but of course it was. Lust was just a temporary high she could ride to numb the pain.

"You can't fuck away pain Evie….." now she was listening, now she was hearing him.

"You sound like you're talking from experience."

"You've always known this isn't my first barbeque Bambi."

"You and Texas?" asked Eve, having always known there was a history but until that moment she had been fuzzy on the details.

"Yup…." he nodded slowly, meeting her eyes so as to be expressly clear he would never deny or diminish his relationship with Texas, at any stage of its evolution, "….that bother you?"

"Should it?" came the genuine, unaffected question from Eve who in return was given a frank and honest answer in reply.

"Nope."

"Okay then."

"Texas will _always _be a part of me, she'll always be in my life and her kid too, but we've been just friends a long time now. I love her but I'm in love with you."

"I like hearing you say that…." smiled Eve, such saccharine sentiment seeming so honest and raw coming from a boy of his broad stature and rough edges.

"Yeah, well, it's just the truth. And you gotta know that of all the problems you got right now me not _wanting_ you isn't one of them….." she knew it was true just by the way he kissed her, the way there wasn't even a shade of patronisation in his tone, "…now put these on and come eat something?"

"Cal?" hopping out of bed and dragging on his sweats and t-shirt she ran barefoot across the room and threw herself around his neck. "Thank you."

"For what?" he smiled, holding her head curled in under his chin and kissing her hair.

"For proving all them wrong….." she breathed, eyes filling with the good kind of tears as she smiled up at him, "… for being _exactly_ who I keep telling them you are."

"Come on, let's go…." dragging on his own pants Calvin followed her out of the bedroom and down the short hallway to the kitchen filled with the smell of Texas' incredible cooking, "…. just wait till you taste the little crackcakes that Tex'….."

"How's going there, baby girl?"

"Fin!"

"Her pancakes don't actually have crack in them….." clarified Calvin, as Texas rolled her eyes in despair, "… just for the record."

"Oh, and surprise, surprise….." rolling his eyes and shaking his head Fin sat on a kitchen chair with one ankle kicked over the opposite knee and a snarling smile on his face, "… good morning to you too Sunshine."

"Hi…." replied Calvin, feeling suddenly very aware of the fact Eve was wearing his shirt and he wasn't wearing one at all.

"My new friend Texas here makes a damn good breakfast….." declared Fin, as the tension in the room eased slightly and Texas managed an awkwardly gracious smile. Serving up two more plates and setting them down on opposite sides of the modest dining table in the corner of the Arliss family kitchen, she hovered nervously as Fin instructed the teenagers curtly "Sit, eat. I got some choice words for the pair of you."

"I should probably go check on Vivian."

"Your Mom and Dad are worried sick about you Evie G….." sighed Fin, helping himself to a bite of her pancake without asking, "… what you got to say for yourself? Running off across the city? It didn't take a shield to figure out where'd you'd gone but a call would've been nice."

"I'm sorry…." she mumbled through a mouthful of food she could barely manage to swallow.

"I reckon your brother could do with some support from his big sister right now."

"Don't do that….." trite but far from weakened by the situation Eve prickled, "… don't use Sam as bait. This isn't about him. I mean it's _all_ about him but not, well, you know what I mean."

"Your Mom is at the end of her rope Eve."

"Fin you didn't hear the things she said…." keeping quiet and just eating his pancakes Calvin was curious, he had never imagined Eve and Olivia capable of cross words, "… you weren't there. I've never seen her like that."

"Baby girl she just got told her son will never walk again….." said Fin with a calm but firm tone, "… can you even imagine the pain she's in right now?"

"I know but…"

"No you don't, Evie. You don't know. You can't even being to…." he sighed, knowing that this was just something her sixteen years would struggle to understand no matter how hard he tried to play peacemaker, "… that kind of pain does crazy things to people. Especially to someone who loves her family as deep as your Mom does."

"Texas? Sugar? Who are all these strangers in my kitchen?" and suddenly the world turned upside down again as Vivian Arliss presented herself in the doorway.

Though vastly improved on her condition of a few months previously she still bore all the signs of a lifetime addict, and Fin watched as Eve's blue eyes widened to horrified saucers. For someone whose maternal point of reference had always been Olivia Stabler it was clear from her face that Calvin's mother cut a terrifying figure.

"Viv! I thought you were waiting in the bathroom for me to…."

"I like you…." extending a thin, wrinkled finger which she then bent and flexed with a gap toothed smile Vivian pointed at Fin and confirmed, "… I like you."

"Okay let's go, come on…." clapping her hands Texas propped one hand on her hip and gestured back down the hallway with the other, "... we gotta get you up and at it Viv so I can go to the store."

"Ma don't do this…." twisting his face with shame Calvin covered it with his hands and sighed self-consciously, "… just go with Tex? Yeah?"

"Who's your little friend, sugar?" addled by years of substance abuse Vivian's brain took a little longer to crank through the files it stored and after a few moments the light bulb pinged on. "Oh! Oh my goodness! This is _her_ isn't it? I should have seen it in that face!"

"My face?" asked Eve, a rabbit in headlights with all that had taken place before she had managed to digest breakfast.

"You are the absolute _picture _of your mother, sugar….." shuffling forward in her house slippers Vivian stroked at Eve's cheek, her skin like fine crêpe paper, "… you are just the perfect image of Olivia Benson."

"You told her about me?" the face in Vivian's hand lit up as Eve realised the only way Vivian would know who her mother was, was if Calvin had made the connection.

"Oh he told me _all_ about you, sugar. He's just besotted with you, aren't you Cal?"

"Ma seriously you're killing me….." getting up from his chair and moving to the window, turning his back on the scene Calvin grabbed at the countertop and groaned, "… just stop talking, please?"

"Come on Viv let's leave these guys to it okay?"

"He's ashamed of me. That's what's going on here. I'm not stupid."

"Nah, nah Vivian he's just…."

"She's real pretty, son. She's _real _pretty….." said Vivian, her mouth sloping to a crooked smile as she narrowed her gaze at Calvin and nodded, "… and if she's her mother's daughter then you're in real trouble."

"Ma shut up."

"Wait, no, I gotta hear this….." said Fin quietly, deeply curious as to Vivian's seemingly very different reading of their teenage love.

"Don't let the doll face fool you, boy of mine, she's got a lion heart….." came the surprisingly shrewd words from someone who still bore the scars of her history with Olivia Benson as Vivian croaked, "… but she's got claws and she knows how to roar."

* * *

"Will you just shut up and get in that house? I can't even talk to you right now."

"Oh my God Calvin what happened!" came the horrified exclaim as Olivia jumped up from her seat on the curb outside the Arliss house later that afternoon. Pouring over the already purpling bruise covering the right side of Calvin's face she looked between him and Texas mouth agape.

"Hello again Captain Stabler….." said Texas, rummaging in her purse under one arm while keeping her other hand firmly wrapped around Calvin's wrist as though she feared he might escape, "…. are you coming inside? Or?"

"I…"

"She's not here Livia."

"I know that….." nodded Olivia slowly in reply, as an impressively no-nonsense Texas marshalled Calvin down the pathway and bundled him into the house.

"Please? I'll fix this face and then you two can talk?"

"Thank you, thank you that's kind. I…"

"She left this morning. She's with Fin." Said Calvin, gruff and defensive as the unlikely trio entered the kitchen and Texas sat him down on a chair so she could administer antiseptic and a bag of frozen fries.

"Now sit still and don't squirm."

"Calvin I know Evie isn't here….." it was a struggle to keep his attention, with Texas the little whirlwind sweeping around the kitchen in a flurry of Spanish and tutted disapproval over whatever had transpired to get Calvin his black eye. "It's you I came to speak with. I want to talk to you. If you'll let me?"

"You want to do this?" knowing when to make herself scarce Texas had become mistress of the graceful exit and held out medical supplies to Olivia. "He's a horrible patient, but?"

"Hey!"

"Sure, sure I can…"

"No, no you can't…." said Calvin, getting up from the chair only to be shoved back down by Texas who shot him a warning glare and under her breath mutter, "… maybe you can be on _both_ sides, mija. Don't be an asshole."

"I'm just going to clean up the blood first, so just sit still okay….." as Calvin rolled his eyes, feeling small yet again, Olivia moved to stand beside him and dabbed gently at his cheekbone, "….what happened?"

"Nothing."

"Someone just hit you for no reason at all?" she was both detective and mom now, and he knew he couldn't evade her the way he could Vivian. "You're not _that_ annoying…." she tested a tease, relieved to see him flash a reluctant half smile.

"One of Johnny's old friends started in on Tex and when he tried to….." shrugging as though it were nothing at all, all part and parcel of a trip to the grocery store Calvin added bluntly, "… I stopped him."

"I don't know if that's noble or just plain stupid but either way hold still."

"Ouch."

"Fin told me how it was you who persuaded Evie to go stay with him while all this is going on."

"Whatever."

"No not whatever."

"She can't live here. I'm not insane Livia. My Mom is still just one bad day away from using again and this neighbourhood isn't safe. Besides, she needs her family."

"She needs you too Calvin…" conceded Olivia, though it pained her to admit and went so completely against her instincts to protect her cub. Meeting his eyes, her own brown gaze misting over she held his face in her warm hands and smiled through tears, "And I have been fighting that. I didn't think I had been, I didn't realise it, not until I lost my mind on Evie yesterday."

"I know you think I'm bad for her."

"See the thing is that I….." chewing on her lip Olivia took a leap of faith and confessed, "… that I'm just not so sure that's true."

"No?"

"She needed a safe place, she needed someone she could trust and she chose you. That's who you are to her."

"Livia…."

"I haven't forgotten what you did to her a few months ago but I think what perhaps I lost sight of was _why_ you did it. You got your mother clean, you helped Texas get back on her feet and she looks _great_ by the way."

"It's a girl, the baby…." he wasn't entirely sure why he was telling her that, at least he wasn't until her face lit up with Evie's smile and she beamed down at him delighted, "… she's having a little girl."

"And she's healthy? They both are?"

"Tex won't use again, not now. She's done with that shit. She's gonna be an awesome mom. Her life is gonna be different from now on."

"And she has you to thank for that."

"No."

"Sweetheart you turned this family around. You did. You got your GED all by yourself and you take care of this family at nineteen years old better than most grown men could. It doesn't mean a lot coming from me right now I know, but I just want to say that I'm proud of you. I am proud of you Cal."

"Huh."

"I mean it."

"I just want to stop having to apologise."

"For what?"

"Everything. Where I'm from, who I am…." giving her his eyes, trusting her the way he always would no matter what, Calvin swallowed slowly, "… who I love. I'm done always fucking apologising. I'm not sorry. Not anymore."

"Then that's where we'll start."

"Start what?"

"Trusting each other again….." and then because the picture was so much bigger than just the two of them Olivia added wistfully, "… all of us."

"Okay..."

"I can't let you date her, sweetheart."

"I…."

"Not right now, not yet at least. My family is falling apart Cal. My son is hurt and my daughter won't even speak to me, she won't answer my calls or….." and suddenly her tears were different, so sad, so lost, so vulnerable in a way he had never known her to be before.

"Livia….." he couldn't stand to see her cry, it felt like his blood was attempting to flow in reverse, and crossing all the guarded lines of doubt and hurt and fear he got up from his chair and pulled her into his chest, hugging her against his bear like frame in a bid to keep the world at bay for a while, "… don't cry."

"I need your help. Will you help me? Will you help me protect my little girl the way I couldn't protect my son?"

"Yeah, yeah I will, I'll help you…." he would do anything for her, he realised, even now, even after all these years and all the water that had passed under all the bridges that had fallen away, "… just don't cry, it'll be alright, it'll be okay."

"She needs a friend right now, she trusts you and she'll talk to you…."

"You want me to be her friend?"

"I want you to be _just _her friend….." sniffed Olivia, pulling herself together and dabbing at her face with the back of her hand, "… do you understand what I'm saying?"

"I think so."

"I have to talk to her. I have to tell her how I never meant to lose it like that. I never meant to upset her the way I did. I have to tell her that I'm sorry for the way I spoke to her but I am _**not **_sorry for what I said. I am her mother and it is my job to protect her and to stand in the way of her getting hurt even if she hates me for it."

"Even if it means you standing in the way of me and her…." nodded Calvin slowly, realising that perhaps the greater act of love for Eve was in fact to side with her mother.

"I don't want to stop you being in her life, sweetheart. You are _not_ a bad guy, you are _not _bad for her and I'm not saying never. Truly I'm not. I'm just saying what if we agree that all either of us want is for Evie to be happy and to do the right thing by her? There has _got_ to be a way for us to work together on that, hasn't there?"

"You'll still let me see her? Hang out?"

"I will trust you to do that, yes. I will let you see her. I will let you come over to our place or to Fin's and watch movies and hang out. I will let you take her out for ice cream and pizza and shopping and whatever else you kids do these days."

"Okay."

"But she is sixteen years old Calvin."

"I know."

"Let me be perfectly clear when I say that you **will not** do anything with her that is either illegal or inappropriate or that you couldn't look me in the eye and defend."

"So….."

"Did she sleep in your bed last night?"

"Yeah….." and then as quickly as Olivia's face fell it lifted to a heartrending smile again as Calvin rolled his eyes and confessed bashfully, "… but I didn't."

"You reckon we can do this? You and me?" inhaling slowly Olivia held her breath a moment, holding Calvin's eyes and refusing to look away as she put every last bit of faith she still clung onto in them. "Can we be on the same side again? Can we trust each other?"

"Bambi thinks I'm gonna meet her at that coffee shop opposite Fin's place at seven tonight."

"I…"

"I'm not….." said Calvin with a slow nod as he reached down and wrapped his fingers lightly around Olivia's wrist, then pledging his allegiance he murmured, "… you are."


	28. No Act Of God Can Pull You Away From Me

"But when I get better…."

"Son…." began Elliot, knowing that Sam understood all too well the reason for his hesitation. It was the same reason he too fell silent for a moment.

"You walked again. After you got hurt when I was a baby, I know because Fin told me. He told me how you were so strong and you worked so hard and you got better."

"Sam that was different. That was a different kind of accident. I had a different kind of injury. I was able to work on getting back the use of my legs with therapy the way you're going to be able to get back use of your arms and hands and fingers."

"I can do this, I know I can, I can really work at it and even if it takes a few months or even years I know I can walk again and…."

"Sam, buddy, I know this is impossibly hard. I know it is. I know that not one of us can understand what you're going through right now and it feels like we're all patronising you trying to help you…."

"I'm gonna be QB1 in the fall, Dad. That's what's gonna happen. When the season starts again I'm finally gonna be starting quarterback. It's all I want. I don't care about grades and college and all that stuff Vee does."

"I know that has always been true before but you know there are so many things that you can do even with your…."

"And I wanna be a cop. I wanna be a cop just like you and Mom and I even looked into college programmes I can do right here in the city. Then I'll go through the academy and I'll be NYPD….." he was talking fast now, running so fast and so precariously it was like watching a toddler propelling themselves beyond what their feet could keep up with, "… it's the family business, right? It's what we do."

"Son you've got a T9 spinal cord injury….." said Elliot with a kind, calm, but firm and unwavering tone as he met his son's eyes and reached out a hand to his arm, "… you're not gonna walk again, buddy."

"No, no that's….."

"We're gonna help you. We're gonna be with you every step of the way, we're gonna do everything we can to make it so you can do whatever you want to do and be whatever you want to be but….." gritting his teeth so hard his head began to throb Elliot forced a patient, empathetic smile and wished to God he had some of his wife's effortless compassion, "… but life is just gonna look a little different than you maybe you'd planned."

"I don't want it to."

"I get that, bud. I do. Only sometimes we just don't get a choice in how things turn out."

"I don't wanna be a cripple."

"It's not gonna be easy, I can't lie to you and tell you it's not gonna be rough as hell on you but….."

"I think I'm gonna just sleep now."

"Sam…." his hair had grown a little out of shape and it clumped awkwardly around his head, a far cry from its previously groomed state. Though he had a look of Eli about him he had not inherited the same simple, self-effacing blandness his brother had from Kathy. He had his father's quiet resilience and Olivia's boundless compassion.

"I don't want to talk about this anymore. I don't want to talk at all."

"Okay, okay buddy that's fine, that's cool. Only you know that I'm right here, I'm right outside that whole time, either me or your Mom or both of us…." nodding slowly Elliot vowed, "… we're right here with you son."

"Whatever."

"I…"

"Can you turn the light off on your way out?"

* * *

"Elliot?"

Asked Olivia as she wandered into their otherwise deserted house to find him sitting hunched over on the sofa nursing a glass of what she suspected was 80 proof.

"Babe what are you doing sitting in the dark?" she asked softly, setting her bag and keys down on the coffee table and kneeling at his feet. "Did something happen? Sammy? He's okay?"

"No, no he's not okay….." but she could tell from his jaded tone and lack of panic that there had been no change in the status quo, "… he's not okay Liv."

"You were at the hospital?" she asked softly, resting her hand on his knee and looking up at him as he cradled his head in one hand and nursed his whiskey in the other.

"It's like he can't hear me. I tell him over and over again how he's not _gonna_ get better and how we need to figure this all out. I try to talk to him about how we're gonna help him, how we're all gonna work out a way to give him some kind of life but….."

"El in case you hadn't noticed we've not exactly been dealing with what's happened to him particularly well ourselves."

"You think?" he couldn't help but laugh darkly.

"How the hell is a fourteen year old kid supposed to make sense of all this if even his parents can't?"

"You talk to Mouse?"

"No but I talked to Calvin. I went to his place."

"And?"

"You might well kill me for this…." she hesitated, realising at no point had she consulted him before making her peace treaty with Calvin, "… but I agreed on them being friends. Hanging out, being teenagers I guess."

"You didn't feel like that was something you oughta run by me first?" he wasn't angry, not really. He didn't have the energy to be.

"Do you disagree?" she asked, and he realised he really didn't. If Eve felt as heartsick as he did in that moment he couldn't bear to.

"No, no but that's not really the point….." he countered wearily, finishing off his drink and setting the empty glass down on the table, "… and I can tell by looking at you that you know it."

"I fixed the mess I made. I will _lose_ her if I don't bend on this one. I can't take him away from her. I **cannot** take away the one thing gluing her together right now."

"I tried to tell you that exactly same thing before you nailed her to the wall in the hospital. You just couldn't hear me."

"Don't you dare pretend that you don't have a voice with me Elliot. You've called me out on my bad judgement enough times but you just got scared. You just saw where that was going and couldn't stand to have your precious Mouse not _like_ you so you had her blame me for saying what we were _both_ afraid of."

"You're not the captain of this family Olivia."

"But sometimes I am."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Only that sometimes I feel like I'm on my own."

"What?" he asked, as her sad brown eyes looked up at him with a frankness that shamed him.

"I know I push you away. I know I fight you when I you try to help. I know I do. I know I take control and I make decisions without you and that's my fault. That's on me. But sometimes Elliot I feel like I'm the only one prepared to stand against the wind and _that's_ on you."

"I had no idea, I….."

"Sometimes I just get so tired of being bad cop."

"I'm sorry."

"No, no it's fine it's…."

"I should've weighed in with Mouse. I should've spoken out."

"I should've let you."

"Damn it."

"I know you're scared of your kids hating you. I know how unbearable it was for you during the divorce. I remember. I was there. I just….."

"That's no excuse. That is **no** excuse. I can't let it make me scared to parent our kids."

"Elliot what happened to us?" she murmured, shaking her head slowly in disbelief and wondering how it is that suddenly she turned around and find that unwavering strength they had was so weakened. "When did we become this?"

"When we stopped being partners….." he answered simply, accurately, cutting clear to the heart of the matter, "… when we stopped acting like a team."

"I need you."

"Liv…." he murmured, gathering her up from the floor and sitting her beside him on the couch, drawing her into his arms and holding her tight against him, "… I'm here."

"Don't ever doubt that. No for a second. No matter how far away I push you just promise me…." gripping him so tightly he could feel her nails in his back Olivia whispered, "… promise me you'll always come back."

"I won't have to come back Olivia….." he sighed, stroking and kissing at her hair reassuringly, "… because I won't ever leave. Not ever. I swear to God while I'm still breathing it'll be with you."

"We need to work on this El."

"I know."

"I don't ever want us to be less than we've always been. I won't _let_ us be less than us."

"I think that we need to get some help."

"Yeah, yeah no I agree. We need to start thinking about where he's going to go right after hospital for a start. After that we need in home care, the house is going to need a lot of work to make it wheelchair friendly and…."

"No, no babe that isn't what I….." she fixed things, she saw a problem and she ran at it. It was one of the things he loved so deeply about her. It was one of her greatest strengths but equally one of her biggest weaknesses.

"El?"

"Of course Sam is gonna need help. With all of it and not just the practical stuff but that wasn't what I was meaning. I think that _we_ need help, Liv. God knows it pains me to say it and you know it does, but we can't be what we need to be to our son in the state we're in right now."

"You don't mean marriage counselling?"

"No, no I don't mean that. We're not in the greatest ever place right now but I'm not worried about us. We're solid and we'll figure out me and you. Our marriage is not the problem here." There was nothing in the world she needed to hear more than that, and she kissed him to let him know as much.

"So…."

"We don't have the first clue how to get into Sam's head right now. We have even less idea how to take care of a kid with a T-9 injury. We gotta talk to someone, babe, we gotta go to some kind of support group for parents like us. We gotta act like we're the idiots we see on the job, too stubborn to admit they are so far out of their depth they can't even figure out which way is up anymore."

"This is really happening isn't it?" whispered Olivia hoarsely, knowing that he was right. Painfully so. "He's really not going to get better, is he?"

"No, no he isn't."

"Our son won't ever walk again. Our son is going to spend the rest of his life in a wheelchair. We can't fix this for him. My baby, he…"

"Let it go, let it all out Liv, I don't give a crap….." he swallowed, cuddling her close and encouraging, "… you cry all you want. You yell and scream and feel it in your fucking bones. I can take it. I got you."

"It isn't fair, it isn't **fair **Elliot! And I am so angry I can't breathe! I can't stand it!" finally saying all that she had kept in side was so cathartic it made her weak, dizzy almost, cradled in his arms as she wailed. "He never hurt a single person in his whole life. He never complained or really ever asked for anything. He is kind and sweet and gentle and he didn't deserve this."

"Course he didn't."

"By God I love Evie for always being the one to raise her hand, to take a chance, to speak up and everyone thinks she got that from me and maybe she did in some ways, but the real truth? She couldn't do what she does without him."

"Her little shadow."

"He let her shine, El. He stood beside her, behind her, any place but in front of that girl and he is the reason she is who she is. She probably doesn't even realise it. How her sidekick, so quiet and loyal is where she gets her strength."

"You did the right thing bending on Calvin."

"I had to, I had to throw her a rope because so help me Elliot that girl has not even _begun _to feel this yet….." and then, voicing the grim reality he already knew to be true Olivia added, "… none of us have."

* * *

"What are you doing here?"

"Don't you talk to me like that Evie. I apologise for the way I spoke about Calvin. I really do. It was out of line and unkind and just not true but you do not get to use that tone."

"Okay…." softened Eve, seeing just how sincere Olivia was in her sentiment as she slid into the chair on the opposite side of the metal topped café table.

"He knows I'm here."

"I guessed….." came the arch browed nod as Eve shrugged, "… figured it was how you knew I was."

"He's gonna come join us later. So we can all talk. Together. Your Dad was gonna come but he's with Sam doing the evening visit so…."

"Mom I hate it when we fight."

"Oh baby, baby girl…." breathed Olivia, closing her eyes and willing herself not to just break down with tears of relief before they had even begun what she knew was going to be a difficult conversation, "… you can't even imagine."

"This isn't us, Momma….." shaking her head slowly from side to side Eve ventured a cautious, hopeful smile, "… this isn't who we are."

"I can't apologise for how I feel Evie. I can't say I'm sorry for something I'm not. The thought of you losing yourself in a relationship you're too young for scares the hell out of me. You're my baby. You're my beautiful, naïve, idealistic little girl and I'm not going to be that mother who won't let her kid grow up I just can't let you do it too soon. I wouldn't be doing my job as your Mom if I did."

"Mom I'm not a kid."

"You are **my **kid."

"I know things. I know things you probably don't even know I know. I hear stuff, I see stuff, I understand stuff you think I'm too _idealistic _and _naïve_ to."

"Like what?" asked Olivia, part curious part terrified.

"I know that my Dad isn't the all American, ex-Marine, crime fighting NYPD superman all my friends think he is. I know what he did to Kathy. I know what he did to you."

"Oh Evie…."

"How can you judge Calvin? How can you judge Calvin for _fighting _to be with me when the man you love, the man you married wouldn't? You think I didn't notice how in all the pictures of you pregnant with me it's Fin you're with and not Dad? That there aren't any photos of me with my Dad when I was first born because he didn't even _know_ he was my father?"

"Baby how long have you been holding all this inside you?" said Olivia, speechless and cut to the core by the way Eve held herself together while speaking such profoundly emotive words. "How have we never had this conversation before?"

"Because it never mattered before, or at least it never mattered to me."

"Are you sure about that?"

"I love my Dad and I don't doubt how much he loves me and I wouldn't change how Fin is like another father to be but…."

"You think I'm a hypocrite?" offered Olivia, reading her like a well-thumbed book.

"I think that I don't care what Calvin has done in the past or who his family are or what neighbourhood he comes from. He has never _once_ denied me. You can make him jump through all the hoops you want he won't give up on me. He won't give up on us."

"I told him he could be your friend. I told him he couldn't date you but he could hang out with you and be your friend."

"And he agreed, right?" smiled Eve, not thrilled that she hadn't been a part of the conversation but trusting implicitly that Calvin knew what he was doing. He understood that divide and conquer was not the way. Her family was everything to her and the only way for them to be together was if he won them over, whatever the cost.

"Yeah, yeah he did..." nodded Olivia slowly, having expected a quite different reaction, "… that doesn't bother you?"

"We're not just some stupid fling, we're not just a hook up that stuck. We're serious, we're gonna make it….." she spoke with such certainty, such conviction and faith it was as incredible to Olivia as her next statement, "… but he knows I can't live without my family."

"Evie….."

"I can't fight with you and he can't fight that if he wants to be with me."

"So he figured that if he didn't agree to my terms then either you'd have to choose him over us or he'd lose you….." without even having realised it Olivia had presented Calvin with a no win situation and he had actually been incredibly smart in making his next move.

"I don't want to be his friend but I don't want to lose my Mom either…."

"Oh Eve, oh baby girl, you won't **ever **lose me. Not even if you ran off to join the circus with that boy. There is _nothing _you could do that I wouldn't forgive….." and then locking Eve's eyes she spoke with the kind of unconditional, unequivocal certainty that drove mothers to commit crimes for their children, "… not one single thing sweetheart."

"Mom don't you get it? Don't you see?" whispered Eve, her eyes misting as she trusted their relationship enough to say the unspeakable, "Cal would rather try be just my friend and hate every minute of it than hurt me by making me choose between him and you. That's how much he loves me. He will wait until you see what I see. He'll wait until you believe in him the way I do."

"Evie…."

"My nineteen year old fuck up has more faith in our relationship and more respect for me than the man who got you pregnant in an elevator and then went back to his wife."

"Wow…."

"Oh my God, Mom I…."

"I need to, ermm…" gathering herself up from the table, all the broken pieces of herself, and her heart as it lay beating on the table between them Olivia bit down hard on the inside of her cheek and willed herself not to cry, "…. I'll be right back. I have to use the bathroom."

* * *

"Knock, knock?"

"I'm just fixing my lipstick."

"Mom…." said Eve softly, pushing open the stalls to see that they were alone in the restroom.

"I'll be right out and then I think it's about time we ordered a strong coffee, don't you?"

"I'm sorry if I upset you. I didn't mean to. I just didn't really think before I said what I did I guess."

"Yes you did."

"No, no I…."

"You did and it's _me_ that should be sorry. Sorry that I'm not a better example to you. Sorry that I wasn't stronger back then."

"You can't help who you fall in love with, right?" said Eve quietly, not even sure where the line was anymore, only strongly suspecting that it was already in her rear view mirror.

"Don't ever think that your Dad is a bad person Evie. Don't ever think that he doesn't love me or that he doesn't think you hung the moon. He never denied _you_, baby. I didn't give him _chance_ to be there when I was pregnant. I didn't give him chance to be there when you were born. I was scared and I was hurt and my pride was wounded and I kept him from you."

"You protected me…." nodded Eve, wandering across the bathroom and taking the eyeliner from Olivia's hand, "… the way you always do."

"Don't poke me in the eye with that thing? If you blind me I…."

"Just look up to the ceiling and don't blink….." instructed Eve, laying her hand gently on Olivia's cheek and tracing a line of black kohl around her lash line, "… trust me."

"You can date him."

"What?" asked Eve, finishing the second eye and staring mouth lightly agape.

"Your father will probably kill me for making another unilateral decision but I don't care."

"Are you saying what I think you are?"

"You will talk to me about anything; everything, every sordid little detail and I'll Mirandize you if I have to Evie G, both of you, so help me God."

"Oh I believe you."

"I am taking one hell of a risk here and you have to **swear** to me that you'll recognise that, respect it, that you'll really hear what I'm saying?"

"Yes, yes I will, of course, I understand."

"We're gonna take baby steps, we're gonna walk before we run, we're gonna figure this out between all of us. No sneaking around, no skipping school, and not one _single _lie will you tell me about what you're doing or where you're going or….."

"Does dating him include sex?"

"I…." wow, thought Olivia, catching her breath as she took a moment to recover.

"You said talk to you about anything, everything and….."

"Do you _want_ dating him to include sex?" and there it was, that which they had lost, found once more. Not missing a beat, not flinching, just hitting the ball back across the net at Eve and regaining their comfortable rally Olivia challenged, "Are you ready to forgive him for how badly he hurt you?"

"Oh no, no trust me not _yet_ I don't!" said Eve without hesitation, and despite having her heart lodged in her throat Olivia couldn't help but smile. Evie Stabler would not let someone keep her as their mistress. She had raised her stronger than that. "But maybe, I mean one day, sooner, or later….."

"Then that's your choice, babe. It is your body, it is your decision. I just want you to promise that you'll be smart and that you'll talk to me? I will try to treat you like the adult you are so desperate to be if you try to understand that you are sixteen and that I am so _desperate_ to keep you that way."

"Okay, okay deal."

"You are one hell of a young woman Evie G."

"Vivian Arliss told me I can roar….." said Eve, the moment the memory popped into her head.

"She what?" pulling a face Olivia added curiously, "What does that mean?"

"She told Calvin that if I'm like my mother then he's in real trouble. That I have a lion heart but I have claws too….." her eyes dancing as she talked Olivia could tell that what Vivian had intended as an insult Eve had taken as a compliment, and that could only be a good thing, "…. and I know how to roar."

"Yeah well Vivian and I have a little history so you should pretty much ignore anything she says because she's wrong and…."

"No she's not, she's dead right. I can hold my own. I don't do anything I don't want to and Calvin knows that."

"You have no idea how glad I am to hear you say that, baby girl."

"Momma I didn't mean to make you cry before. I wasn't trying to make you feel bad. I actually think that what you did was really brave and crazy strong."

"Letting your Dad treat me like crap?" laughed Olivia grimly.

"You could've gone to Kathy and told her everything. You could've told her how you'd been sleeping with her husband and he'd got you pregnant and broken up that family. You could've told Dad to go to hell when he finally manned up and chose to be with you."

"If I'd be stronger I could've."

"You think that if you'd nuked their family I'd have all my awesome brothers and sisters? All those summers in Chicago with Eli and concerts and sleepovers at the girls' houses?"

"I guess not but…."

"I know you think that taking Dad back and forgiving him for being such a spineless shit makes you weak….." shrugging emphatically Eve swallowed, "… but I think it's how I have the best family in the world."

"What the hell did I do to deserve you Evie Grace?"

"I know I'm sixteen, I know I'm a kid, I know I'm stupid and naïve and I have a million things still to learn about life but…."

"But you love him?"

"I wouldn't have been such a little brat about all this if I didn't. There's barely anything on the planet worth fighting with you over….." venturing an uncharacteristicly shy smile Eve confesed, "… but he is. He's worth it."

"The brat and the bitch….." laughed Olivia, welling up again and shaking her head disbelievingly, "… we make _quite _a pair."

"Oh don't cry! I just fixed your face….." sliding an arm around Olivia's waist and hugging close into her Eve walked her toward the restroom door and pushed, "… come on, let's go get coffee, and maybe dessert…."

* * *

"Stole you a peanut butter cup…." said Calvin, opening up his fisted palm and presenting Eve with her favourite candy as he arrived at the circular table where she and Olivia were sat sharing a sundae.

"Mom why are you looking at him funny?" asked Eve, as Calvin took a seat between them and Olivia pondered his statement.

"I didn't actually fucking _steal_ it Livia….." ignoring his cuss Olivia just had to laugh, despite everything, despite the situation, despite it all he made her smile and she just couldn't stop him getting under her skin.

"Cal don't cuss in front of her!"

"She's a cop Bambi, she's heard worse."

"So did you steal me one?" asked Olivia, as Eve tucked into her ice cream and allowed the situation to play itself out for a few moments. As Calvin rolled his eyes and he and Olivia just looked at one another a moment Eve struggled to chew for the delighted grin spread from ear to ear. Olivia only teased those she trusted, those she was close enough to share that kind of familiarity with.

"No, but….." leaning over to where Eve had set the peanut butter cup down he plucked it up from the table and threw it across at Olivia, "… there you go."

"Hey! That was mine!"

"Bambi you wanna be BFFs till we're pushing up daisies? Or you wanna help me win her over…." melting both Stabler women to wry smiles Calvin snickered, "…. yeah, no, thought so."

"About that…" holding a mouthful of ice cream on her tongue and allowing it to melt for a moment Eve swallowed slowly and held his eyes, "… I already won her over."

"Hey, hey _she_ is sat right here!" said Olivia, feeling suddenly very much like a third wheel as sparks flew like dancing fireflies between the two teenagers. "Calvin you like chocolate fudge?"

"Sure…."

"Then I'm going to let you two finish this. I'll go over the street and check in with Fin and then baby will you please come over when you're finished and we'll strategize on what the next few days are going to look like?"

"Yes Captain."

"Calvin what she's about to tell you is that I'm lifting the Evie embargo."

"The what now?"

"You can date my girl."

"I can?" waiting for some kind of hidden camera crew to jump out and capture his drop jawed reaction Calvin's wide eyes asked, "But… how…."

"Don't screw up, don't hurt her again, don't hurt her _ever_….." clipping him fondly around the back of his head Olivia narrowed her eyes and warned, "… or I will hurt you, pretty boy."

"Livia I…."

"I know…." she said slowly, the trust and profound affection in her eyes moving Calvin unspeakably as she winked and managed an exhausted smile, "… I know, sweetheart."

"Did that seriously just happen?" he asked, sitting stunned as Olivia exited the coffee shop and they were alone at the table. "Like, for real? Livia just green lit us? You and me? Together?"

"You and me….." nodded Eve with an elated little sigh as she reached for his hand and held it across the table, "… together."

"Okay then."

"So how about it, Arliss? You wanna be my boyfriend again?"

"I guess, I mean it wouldn't be the _worst_ thing….."

"Hey!" she smarted, lifting her brows and staring at him with an open mouthed smile.

"I'm kidding Bambi….." he murmured, still holding her hand tight as he leant across the table to seal their reunion with a lingering kiss.

"Can I scrape the topping?" she whispered, kissing him repeatedly before pulling away and grabbing for her spoon while he was caught in a weak moment.

"I mean it's usually nice to share but…."

"No, no hands off it's all mine!" she giggled, fighting off his attack as he dove in with his all spoon before all the syrup and sprinkles were gone. "I called it! You can have the ice cream!"

"Bambi…"

"What?" popping a gigantic mouthful of sugar laden goodness into her mouth she blinked curiously and showing him the contents of her mouthful asked, "What? You're staring at me!"

"Because you're such a little piglet! Look at you! You've got half the fucking sundae in there!"

"I got a big mouth….." she snickered, chocking down a swallow as he belly laughed at how she couldn't care less about looking pretty or graceful or feeling self-conscious.

"You're disgusting ….." shaking his head from side to side, curtain hair falling in his face he declared unreservedly, "… and kind of awesome."

"You want some topping? You wanna share? Huh? Huh?" rising up from her chair she leant in against him and pressed cold, sweet, sugary tasting lips against his. "It tastes so good…."

"That's hot, that's really attractive….." pushing her away he rolled his eyes and play fought her resistance, "….look just swallow, yeah? Swallow that shit before you dribble."

"I think we just made this a dirty sundae."

"No _you_ made it a dirty sundae…." he smirked, scooping a modest spoon of ice cream and taking a bite, "… what happened to little miss sweet and innocent?"

"She fell in love with a bad boy."

"Who's that then?" he played, as she nodded doe eyed. "Do I know him?"

"My mother knows me like she's inside my skin."

"I…." but he thought better of speaking and instead just let her take a moment before opening up to him.

"She's a part of me. She knows me better than I know myself. And she understands what I feel for you. When we talked tonight it wasn't like before. She looked at me and I knew for the first time she believed that this isn't just some school girl crush, that I'm not a child anymore. She believes that what I feel for you is real and adult and that this relationship is serious. She trusts me to know my own mind and my own heart and to make my own choices. I chose you, I _choose_ you and my Mom respects that and I guess what I'm saying is that..." pausing a moment, checking he understood her she finished, "...that means something, Cal."

"No, no Evie….." he murmured, reaching to her face, stroking her hair, and then leaning over and drawing her into his arms and hugging her tight"… it means everything."


	29. A Diamond Under All This Dust

"I can't do this."

"Yeah you can."

"I can't be here. I can't see him. I can't, I can't…."

"Hey? Hey look at me?" holding one of Eve's hands fast in his Calvin reached to her chin, set it still and looked down deep into her eyes, summoning the courage he knew lay behind them. "You can do this. He's your brother and he's hurt. He's fucking paralysed and you can walk and he needs you. So you need to suck it up.

"Suck it up?" damn if he wasn't the only person on the planet who could've said that to her right then.

"You do for family, Evie G. You just do."

"You'll come in with me though? You'll stay with me?"

"I…."

"Cal?" she tested, blue eyes so little girl lost it broke his heart.

"Yeah, yeah I'll stay with you."

"Okay then, okay then…." nodding slowly she walked the few last paces to Sam's room and, taking a peep through the window to see he was alone, knocked gently and entered. "Knock knock?"

"You sure took your sweet time coming to see me Vee."

"Oh Sammy…." she mouthed, her eyes wide and overwhelmed and her hand trembling in Calvin's.

"You're okay ….." he whispered under his breath, so only she could hear it, "… I got you."

"Does it hurt?" came the choked whisper as Eve walked slowly toward the bed to which Sam was still strategically strapped. "All these wires and straps and metal?"

"I'm on enough meds to keep a moose quiet…." and then, in her reflected light Sam found a tiny, fragmented piece of his old self and joked weakly, "… Hercules here'd be lovin' life."

"Sammy that's not funny!"

"You got some good shit in that IV, buddy?" chuckled Calvin, approaching Sam's bed with none of the trepidation or unease that his family had. Still holding Eve's hand in his left, he reached his right to Sam's and shook its lifeless muscle warmly. "You actually look pretty awesome for roadkill."

"Calvin!" yelped Eve, horrified. Sam didn't flinch.

"Yeah? You loving my pee bag and rad metal headgear?" barely physically able to smile Sam felt for the first time as though he at least wanted to try.

Stretching his mouth and cheeks to an attempt he met Calvin's pale green blue gaze and found some strangely affecting comfort in them. He wasn't afraid. He knew the darkness and he could look it in the eye the way Eve was so terrified to. He wasn't thinking of all the things he'd miss out on the way his parents were. He wasn't imagining the struggle his life would now hold; he was just breathing through the moment and talking to him as though they were throwing a ball around in the yard again.

"Hey Bambi come here, come hold the dude's hand or something….." said Calvin, deliberately downplaying the situation to encourage her, "… your brother and I are getting a little too Brokeback Mountain over here for my liking."

"Is it okay? Will it hurt you Sammy?" she asked uneasily, moving to Calvin's other side and taking her brother's hand. "That okay? We good?"

"I heard you and Mom going at it yesterday."

"Oh!" that was the last thing she had intended, and it shamed Eve to think he had overhead her fighting with Olivia from his sickbed. "I wish you hadn't. I'm sorry. We're fine now though, we're good, we're back to normal.

"Vee I won't ever be back to normal."

"I know."

"This is it now, this is me, this is my life….." barely moving his lips Sam mumbled miserably, "… I'm a vegetable."

"No! Oh, oh no, you're not!"

"You want coffee?" asked Calvin, moving a light hand to the small of Eve's back and knowing when it was appropriate to give them space. "Food?"

"No, no I'm good thanks. Sammy?"

"That toddler tippy cup with the bendy straw?" she hadn't thought, she hadn't listened to the words before they'd come out of her mouth and she now cursed herself for it. "That's mine."

"I'll meet you in the truck?"

"Okay."

"Hey? Hey Cal?" called Sam, struggling to inject any volume or resonance into his voice as Calvin made to leave.

"Yeah?"

"It's cool that you came….." with so many layers to the statement and so many interpretations of meaning Sam clarified, "… you should come by again sometime?"

"You hang on in there, okay buddy? I'll see you real soon."

* * *

"Hey guys, what's going on in here?"

"We're playing Connect Four and Sammy is kicking my butt."

"Oh is he now?" asked Olivia a little breathy, so moved was she to see that not only had Eve finally visited her brother but that it could have been just any afternoon as the two of them played together. "Can we stay and watch?"

"Vee drop a red one in the third one from your right."

"Nice…." smiled Elliot, dragging too plastic chairs out from the corner of the room so they could sit beside the bed, "… well played, son."

"Darn it!" exclaimed Eve, uncrossing her legs and thinking long and hard before crossing them back again and pulling a puzzled face. "I don't think I can win now can I?"

"Yeah, yeah think yellow….."

"Are you helping her?" asked Olivia with an amused smile, that was so Sam. The only time she had only ever seen him competitive was on the football field. The rest of the time he just wanted everyone around him to be happy. Happiness for his sister was winning, and so he made it happen.

"So Sammy we were just chatting to your doctors and they were saying how they think you might be able to move to your new rehab place in time for your birthday."

"Awesome." Came the flat, unmoved response as Sam kept his eyes fixed on the game.

"Buddy….." ventured Elliot, before falling quiet as he felt Olivia's hand reach to his arm.

"You wanna split this?" asked Eve, peeling the wrapper from a muffin and tossing it across into the trash. "You can have the roof if you want."

"I'm fine….."

"Shut up it's your favourite, here, open up….." dismissing his protest, knowing it didn't come for lack of want Eve leant over the tray and game between them and held the muffin for Sam to take a bite, "… got it?"

"Thanks."

"So this rehab place?" asked Eve, so easy, so conversational, the oil that greased the wheels as their family slowly regained forward motion. "What's the deal? Is it like a hospital or?"

"From the way the nurses were talking it's kind of halfway between here and home, somewhere you can find your feet again before…." literally biting her tongue and almost feeling to deserve the sharp pain it brought Olivia rushed, "… oh Sam, sweetie I didn't mean…."

"Mom my big sister is feeding me cake like I'm a freakin' baby…." mumbled Sam, before lifting his mother off the hook, "… I can handle you saying stupid stuff. I'm not making it awkward _you _are."

"Okay, okay then…." nodding slowly Olivia caught Elliot's eyes for further reassurance and then continued, "….so as I was saying this rehab facility is just going to give us all chance to get used to how things are going to be a little different when you come home."

"It's right by the subway I checked so I can come see you all the time even if these guys are working or whatever…." said Eve, wanting to do anything to take the lost expression from her brothers face, "… and I will come, Sammy, all the time. Especially now school is done for the summer."

"We all will, buddy. We're all right here with you …." and taking hold of Olivia's hand Elliot nodded, "… all three of us."

"And I had Katie and Lizzie on the phone this morning asking when they can come see you too."

"And Eli, he's back in the city in a couple of weeks and he's gonna make you his first stop."

"That's nice…." pushing up a smile Sam knew they meant well. He loved them so dearly for trying to make him feel better. He just wished it was working.

"It's just gonna take time, sweetheart….." said Olivia, reaching across and stroking Sam's face tenderly, "… it's just gonna take some time."

"You guys going out for dinner again tonight?" he asked, having become used to their daily routine. How they would come and visit him and then all disappear out for a couple of hours to grab dinner, leaving him to the suspicious looking hospital rations.

"Can you eat normal stuff now? Like do you have to have special food?"

"Because I'm special now?" and there it was, there was that smile they all adored as Sam broke into a laugh and Eve soon followed with a flush of embarrassment.

"Oh I didn't mean it like that!"

"I know you didn't you idiot….." he assured, his eyes finding life again, "… and yeah, yeah I can eat normal food. It's my legs that don't work not my stomach."

"So we could get food to go? We could bring it back here and all eat together?" suggested Eve, looking to her parents for approval.

"Tell you what, baby….." said Olivia, gathering her things together and tapping Elliot on the shoulder, "… your Dad and I will go. You two stay here and finish your game."

"Any requests?" asked Elliot, checking he had his wallet with him. "Pizza? Chinese? Sam it's your call tonight."

"I say….." barely able to remember what food that wasn't microwave heated tasted like Sam took a moment before nodding, "… I say you let Mom pick."

"Me?" asked Olivia, as she put her jacket on.

"I dunno what's around here….." he shrugged, looking across at Olivia and unknowingly touching her heart, "… and you know what I like."

"Okay then…." she couldn't say anymore, not without betraying the tears behind her eyes, and so she just winked at the children and lead the way toward the door, "… be good, babies. We'll be back soon."

* * *

"Where the hell did you get all that?"

"I work two jobs don't start with me."

"You only do one kind of _job_ that pays in cash Tex….." narrowing his eyes as she kicked at the vending machine in the hope of releasing her trapped soda, "… and don't you dare lie to me."

"Do you have any idea the kind of money it takes being pregnant with no health insurance Cal?"

"What'd you do Texas?" he persisted, a darkness to his tone, "Or should that be _who'd_ you do?"

"Fuck you!" she snapped, her hand flying up to strike his face to land a swift, flat palmed slap right across his cheek. Those gathered in the waiting room looked up from their magazines but said nothing.

"Tex, hey, Texas get back here…." he called, quickening his step to chase her down and grabbing at her arm held it fast, "… I'm sorry, alright? I'm sorry. That was a dick ass thing to say."

"I'm applying for Medicaid. I'm applying for all kinds of shit but that all takes time and I need stuff now. I gotta have this scan to know that I didn't fuck this kid up before I realised I was pregnant."

"That's what they're gonna tell you today?" this was news to him, he had just automatically come along with her regardless of the significance of her scan. "If the baby got messed up by you using?"

"You know this isn't fun for me Cal. Most first time mothers get to be all cute and nervous and act like giggling idiots. I get to worry if I fucked my kid before she's even born. I get to feel cheap and dirty the whole time because her mother's a tramp and her father paid me and all these chirpy little idiots keep asking me about the Daddy and….."

"Tex….."

"You really think that little of me that I'd whore pregnant?" her dark hair scraped back from her face in a high ponytail, and still wearing her nurses scrubs Texas was the plainest she ever looked. Wearing none of her usual bright colours, gold jewellery or heavy eye makeup made her look younger and reminded Calvin she was only a few months older than he was. It made it even more painful to remember where she'd been. "Because screw you for not knowing me better."

"I do know you, I didn't think you'd actually, you know….." dancing indelicately around his initial suspicion Calvin mumbled, "… just a quick…."

"I could castrate you right now, you know that?" she sighed, knowing he didn't mean any harm. He just cared. He was the only one who did. "Look I pawned Mima's ring if you gotta know."

"No, no you didn't….." sighed Calvin sadly, as she wandered back to the vending machine to make a last attempt at kicking it.

"You think she'd rather have me wear a pretty ring than make sure this baby is healthy?" she asked, as he helped her.

"That ring meant the world to you Tex."

"Yeah well that was then and things are different now….."

"Ms Mendoza?"

"That's me!" she replied, as the soda can finally dropped into the tray and she reached down to fish it out. "Are you coming in for this scan or what? Are we gonna stand out here arguing?"

"Course I'm coming in….." said Calvin without hesitation, walking close behind her toward the examination room, "… only they're not gonna start looking up your business end in there are they?"

"It's nothing you haven't seen before, mija….." she was fearless, and there was nothing they couldn't say to one another, no place too dark and no notion too crude, "… the view hasn't changed."

"Is it Texas?" asked the doctor, inviting them into the room and waiting for Texas' nod of confirmation before continuing, "Hi there, I'm Doctor Allison Walters. Great, okay, well if you can just hop up on the bed and lift your shirt. You know the drill; the gel can be cold at first."

"I had one scan already but they said that it was a little early to do all the tests they wanted."

"So you're what now? Five months?"

"Four and a half, five….." lying back on the bed and wiggling herself into a comfortable position Texas pulled her uniform up off her stomach and looked to Calvin awkwardly as Dr Walters rolled her sonogram wand over it, "… something like that."

"First time mom?" sensing unease in her patient the doctor flashed a warm smile. "Nervous?"

"Ermm, well I…. it's a little complicated…..I guess…." chewing on her cheek uncomfortably Texas wasn't entirely sure how much of her story was medically relevant, and that being the case how much she was required to divulge.

"Is Dad in the picture or are we flying solo?" asked Dr Walters with a compassionate acknowledgement that just because there were two of them there one could never assume.

"She's not flying solo…." said Calvin, moving closer to the bed and grabbing for Texas' hand, "… we're in this together."

"And what's your name then handsome?" there was something about her matter of fact, slightly unorthodox approach that set both Texas and Calvin at ease as the curly, red headed doctor tapped at her monitor keyboard and waited for a response.

"Calvin."

"And you're gonna be….." allowing them to answer, she narrowed her eyes and weighed up this tall, heavy set teenager now leant in close to her patient.

"I'm gonna be the one holding her hand."

"Nice to meet you Calvin….." extending for a handshake Dr Walters shook Calvin's hand firmly and smiled, "… glad to hear the three of us are in this together."

"Dr Walters you seem real nice and I don't want to put my baby at risk by not being honest with you so….."

"It's okay Texas; you can talk freely in here. I'm here to help you not to judge you."

"He isn't the father and I don't know who is. I'm not exactly a saint and….." it physically hurt Calvin to hear her talk, but respecting her choice to be frank with her doctor he stayed quiet and just held her hand tight, "…. well there have been a lot of men, most of whose _names_ I don't know let alone their medical history so….."

"Oh honey…."

"And I used drugs as well."

"Used? Past tense?"

"Yes, yeah, yeah no for sure I swear to God I haven't even had a beer since I found out I was pregnant."

"That's legit….." chiming in, after years of no one believing a single word either one of them said Calvin knew when it was likely they needed to corroborate each other's stories, "… I've been watching her like a hawk."

"Okay, okay guys listen to me? I think that it's important that I make it completely clear to you that I'm on your side. I am here to look after you and to support you Texas, and it doesn't matter how you got here only that you cope with what happens next. It's my job to make sure that you do….." printing a stream of paper off from her printer Dr Walters nodded to Calvin, "… and he's going to help me out with that, aren't you handsome?"

"Yes m'am."

"So how about I turn this screen around and you can stop panicking, mom….." turning up the volume so a strong heartbeat thundered and turning the monitor to face the bed the doctor pointed to the now decipherable baby on the sonogram and smiled, "… because here she is, here's your girl."

"She's alright? She's okay?"

"Strong heartbeat, no signs on these preliminary work ups that there is _anything _to worry about. Obviously some of the tests I'm running will take a little longer to show results but you did the right thing, honey. You stopped using early enough that I can't see it has had _any_ effect on your baby and you're in great shape. You both are."

"Cal did you hear….." turning her head to look up at him Texas caught her breath to see the unqualified sincerity and awestruck wonder fallen across Calvin's face as he stared misty eyed at the wriggling sonogram.

"You doing okay there?" laughed the doctor, not unaccustomed to his reaction. "It's pretty incredible, isn't it?"

"Babe…." said Texas softly, tugging at his hand and shaking his attention.

"It's not complicated Tex….." he replied, bending down and kissing her forehead devotedly, "… it's not complicated at all. I love you."

"I love you too, mija….." she smiled, then turning to Dr Walkers asked, "… hey would we maybe be able to get a picture to take home?"

"Of course, absolutely, let me go grab a cardboard envelope and I'll be right back."

"For Viv…." explained Texas, as Calvin leant over the bed and hugged her warmly.

* * *

"Babe I'm just not sure that we've got the right parts here."

"Did you read the instructions?"

"Yes."

"Show me them, get them out…." sighed Olivia, setting her coffee mug down on the porch step and taking a seat, "… you're a rotten liar."

"I don't need the instructions!"

"Sure, sure no I know you don't….." pacified Olivia, leafing through the diagrams setting out how to add a low level handrail to the access ramp they had had constructed on the side of their porch, "… so you have these pieces here? To fix whatever that is?"

"Yeah, yeah I have all those."

"Okay so I figure we need to screw that into there….." turning the longest piece of handrail over in her hand Olivia puzzled, "… only I don't get why there are holes on both sides?"

"Hey, hey how you doing anyway?" taking a seat beside her Elliot jostled his shoulder into hers lovingly. "You okay?"

"Yeah, yeah I think I'm better….." lowering the instructions hand folding her hands clasped over them she inhaled slowly and turned to him, "… a little better, at least."

"We gonna hit up another session of parent therapy? Go again on Tuesday?"

"I think we should….." she nodded slowly, "….do you?"

"Reckon it can't hurt."

"Elliot I think I'm going to talk to someone as well."

"Yeah?" he asked, setting down the screwdriver and reaching for her hand.

"I feel like I need to get a better grip on this thing. Not as a parent, just as a person. I'm just so damn angry all the time and I can't be his mom like that. At least not the mom I want to be."

"Well how about that?" said Elliot with a self-deprecating smile, "You being the angry one for a change?"

"We're both angry as hell, babe. You're just not about to tell a therapist about it."

"Hey! Hey I'm going to classes with you aren't I? In fact as I remember it they were my idea in the first place."

"El I don't need you to talk to a professional but I do need to promise me that you'll talk to me….." trusting he would understand the love behind her statement she added, "… because you are the angriest person I know and you haven't been to church since the accident."

"I've been busy."

"You've lost your faith."

"How'd you….." be he knew how, it was the same way she did anything. She just did. "I haven't lost faith, not completely."

"No?" she was surprised.

"I don't know how a good God can let something like that happen to Sammy. I really don't. I'm having a hard time getting my head around it and it's gonna be a while till I'm back in the pew but….."

"El?"

"The me I used to be would've lost my mind these past few weeks. I couldn't have handled it. I would've just….." shaking his head slowly Elliot heaved a sigh, "…. lost my shit."

"That's not true…." but they both knew it was and so she gave no further protest.

"I dunno. I call God out. I ask him where the hell he is. I'm praying my ass off asking how I'm supposed to this, how I'm supposed to help my son and I'm thinking he's just not answering and then….." and simply, understatedly, remind her that she was his whole world Elliot finished, "… and then there you are."

"Oh, babe."

"Sam's not gonna walk again. He's gonna have a different kind of future than I'd wanted for him. He's gonna have it rough. He's gonna struggle. He's got the fight of his life ahead of him but if there is _anyone _who can get him through this….." reaching across and stroking her cheek lightly Elliot smiled, ".. it's his Mom."

"You really think we can do this? I mean right now we can't even screw together a porch rail to help him get into the house so…."

"We'll figure out the porch rail…." chuckled Elliot confidently, draping an arm around her and pulling her in for a hug, "…. we'll figure it all out. Maybe not all at once, maybe not right away, but little by little we'll get there."

"Thank you. I needed to hear that….." she said softly, kissing him with a soft, lingering reassurance that they would stand unwavering while the rest of the world was in ruins, "… I love you, babe."


	30. Mama's Broken Heart

**_Continued thanks for feedback, reviews, corrections, encouragement etc. Heads up on the NYPD protocol and Spanish typos received and understood with gratitude. I am always happy to stand corrected by those who know more than I do! _**

* * *

"Are you angry Samson?"

"No one calls me that….." and then when the therapist simply waited patiently for him to continue he unwillingly expanded, "… it's Sam."

"A lot of people get Sam from Samuel but yours is more unusual. Does it have a particular significance? Were you named for a family member or?"

"No, the guy in the Bible."

"Really? That's interesting…." not particularly it wasn't, thought Sam miserably. He was too warm. New York was always hotter than hell to him in summer and lying there unable to reposition himself or get any kind of air circulating around his body he felt like a piece of meat slowly roasting alive. Olivia did well in heat, he thought. He clearly had Elliot's pale, sweaty genes.

"My sister loves this weather." Eve, predictably, took after their mother.

"Does she?" smiled the immaculately groomed blonde sat at his bedside. She was annoying him already and she'd only been there fourteen minutes. He knew that because he spent hours each day watching the numbers turn on the clock somewhere over her head. Olivia had tried to have them take it down so he couldn't see it anymore but they must've forgotten.

"She likes to get tan. She loves swimming."

"Where do you guys swim? In a local pool or?"

"You sure ask a lot of questions."

"You know swimming is actually one of the best things you can do to encourage your muscles during the rehab process. It'll be a great way to get your upper body strength up and…."

"I said Vee likes it….." though it wasn't entirely true Sam just wished this woman would go away, and so he injected venom into his tone as he added, "… I don't."

"Are you close with your sister? Do you spend a lot of time together?"

"I'm her kid brother."

"Sam…."

"I was born early." He stated, bored with her line of conversation and absentmindedly allowing his thoughts to drift elsewhere. The therapist ran with it, listening intently as he continued, "I was about as big as a chicken nugget. That's what Dad says. I nearly didn't make it. I nearly killed my Mom."

"So you were a premature baby?"

"Is that not what I just said?" for someone who called herself a doctor, she really wasn't very smart thought Sam. "My Mom was really sick for a while. They didn't think she'd survive. It was pretty much a miracle she didn't exsanguinate."

"Wow, wow that's a pretty impressive word for a fourteen year old to just drop into a sentence…" furrowing his brows Sam wondered if he concentrated hard enough he could will her to leave, "…. are you a reader? Are you good in school."

"No and not really, I'm pretty average. I just like blood and guts and crime scenes. My Uncle Fin's partner Melinda does all this cool stuff with, like, fluids and it's so gross and awesome."

"So that's something you're really interested in?" maybe she was so slow to catch on because all that hair spray holding her hair in place was seeping into her brain, thought Sam, amusing himself to an inward smile.

"My family pretty much bleed NYPD blue so I was thinking I could be a cop too someday but…." now he wasn't just frustrated he was sad again. Not the kind of disappointed he couldn't go to a concert or jealous he was still on the bench sad but a pervading, gnawing sadness that made him feel sick to his stomach.

"Sam? Sam, honey? Are you okay?" of course he wasn't okay. It was hard to think of ways he could be less so. Gosh she was irritating.

"Can we stop now?" and then sensing he would need to play nice to make this torture stop Sam softened, "Please?"

"We're still a good half hour away from being done with our session but…."

"I'm really tired. I don't want to talk anymore."

"Maybe I could come back later this afternoon? I know you said your Dad was coming in soon but perhaps after that?"

"Sure, whatever…." if it meant she left now, he'd promise anything, and deal with her return later.

* * *

"Vivian? I'm home and I've got chicken. Your call what you want me to do with it….." puzzling slightly on not receiving her usual post-work greeting Texas set the groceries down in the kitchen and wandered down the hallway calling out, "… hello? Viv?"

Hearing strains of a radio playing in Vivian's room and the door swung open she knocked lightly, pushing it open to find no one inside. Turning her head, it only took a fraction of her second to note the bathroom light on and she ran toward its closed door. Grabbing at the handle, shaking it firmly she fought her way inside against the weak lock and found Vivian hunched over the sink with a strap at her arm and poison in her hand.

"Viv no! Don't!"

"Leave me alone! Leave me alone!" came the frantic cry of panic as Vivian attempted to minister to herself and Texas waded in to wrestle the needle from her hand. "Let me be! Turn me loose! Turn me loose little girl!"

"No, no way, not a chance….." persistent, determined, and with strength that far outmatched her surrogate mother's Texas pinned Vivian to the wall with one arm while squirting the needles contents into the sink with her other.

"You bitch! You selfish, selfish little bitch!" hell having no fury like an addict without her fix Vivian lunged forward, breaking free and shoving Texas at force into the opposite wall.

"Vivian no!" thinking fast, far faster than Vivian's addled mind Texas snatched back the syringe and tossed it into the toilet bowl. Though Vivian grabbed at her waist, her hands all over Texas' stomach making no connection between its rounded swell and the reason behind it as she attempted to get past.

"That was **mine**! That was mine and how dare you…."

"How dare I? How _dare _I?" asked Texas, incredulous. Though she may have interrupted this time she was too late to prevent Vivian's fall. Unable to force her eyes, unable to lock her saucer wide pupils and hold their attention Texas recognized that it was not Vivian looking back. "How dare **you** Viv? How _could _you do it to him? "

"I…"

"How could you do this to him _again_? You swore this one would stick. You swore we'd never have to go through this shit with you again. You told him you'd kick for good this time and he believed you Viv….." and then despite her best attempts Texas heard tears crack in her voice as she choked, "… you **promised** him!"

"It's not what you think. It's just one time, just one hit I can handle it I won't get hooked this time I swear it's just this once and….."

"Oh you have _got _to be kidding me?" scoffed Texas, shaking her head back and forth in horrified disbelief as Vivian rolled out every tired cliché in the book. "Just shut up Viv. Just shut the hell up!"

"You don't get to speak to me like that you're a child!"

"I'm a child? I'm a….." unable to even engage in the conversation Texas stalked from the bathroom and headed down the corridor at pace to Vivian's bedroom.

"Hey! Hey come back here! I'm not done with you, lady! Don't go in my room! Don't go in my room!"

"It is **never** just once with you so where the hell are you stashing? Where'd you hide it this time?"

"Get out of there! Get out of there that's my private stuff!" grabbing at Texas' jeans and tugging at her shirt Vivian attempted to fight her away from her closet. "Get out!"

"You don't get to have private stuff if we can't trust you Viv!" as the two women engaged in a struggle things steadily escalated. Texas determined to find the drugs she knew were there somewhere, Vivian determined to stop her.

"HEY!" came a loud, guttural yell as Calvin arrived not long later and physically wedged himself between them and shot them both equally horrified glares. "What the hell do you two think you're doing?"

"She's trying to ruin my life, sugar! Calvin you tell her! You tell her she steals all the fun! You tell her she has no right to be in here! She's a thief! A thief! A parasite!"

"Mom she's fucking pregnant and you're out of your fucking mind beating on her like that!" yelled Calvin, throwing Vivian like a rag doll into the bed and standing over her as she lay there stunned and frozen in dismay.

"Oh my God, oh my God, Texas baby I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry!"

"It's fine Viv….." said Texas quietly, closing her eyes and turning away. She had heard worse. They had survived worse.

"Ma? Ma look me in the eye? Vivian! Your eyes….." slowly, painfully, reluctantly Vivian lifted her gaze to her son as he took a half second to note "….you're fucking loaded."

"No! No I'm just tired! I'm just so tired, baby!" but when she looked at him, looked into those pale green blue eyes she had been disappointing since the first time they opened onto the world Vivian's heart ached. He wasn't shocked, he wasn't horrified: he was barely even surprised. Shocked would've been if she'd managed to stay clean.

"Hand it over. Whatever you've got I want it all."

"I don't have anything Calvin, baby, I swear."

"I don't believe you….." he stated plainly, rounding his shoulders and dropping them with a weary sigh, "…. I don't believe a word out of your mouth Ma."

"Don't talk to me like that! Don't you talk to me like I'm shit on your shoe, boy. I am your mother! I am your Mama and…."

"You're a fucking train wreck. You're a fucking mess not a mother."

"Calvin….." came Texas' gentle voice from behind him.

"Mom you bring drugs into this house one more time and you'll be finding someplace else to live….." warned Calvin, and it made every hair on Texas' neck stand on end and her blood chill to see and hear how he meant every word as he looked to Vivian and added, "…. and you so much as lay a hand on Texas again and I'll break your fucking neck."

"Calvin!" gasped Texas, covering her mouth and swallowing a retch of nausea.

"It's okay Texas, sugar, it's okay…" hauling herself upright and sitting on the edge of the bed as Calvin stormed from the room Vivian physically shook as she looked up at her caregiver and swallowed grimly, "… it's no less than I deserve. He's just protecting you, sugar."

"Yeah well I don't need that kind of protection….." muttered Texas reproachfully, continuing her search of the room and remaining ever the practical voice of calm and reason, "… now where am I looking? You gonna help me out here?"

"Top shelf there's a shoebox."

"I don't see it? I just see photo albums and that silver box you keep all Cal's baby stuff in."

"Shoebox….." mumbled Vivian with a guilty shrug as Texas turned around, revulsion barely kept from her face.

"Wow, wow, well congratulations Viv I reckon this has to be a new low….." and then entirely unable to given inch, so disgusted was she to find Vivian's stash tucked in and amongst Calvin's earliest memories Texas spat, "… even for you."

* * *

"I think one more trip will do it."

"I'll help."

"You're an angel, sweet girl…." smiled Olivia gratefully, as Eve headed out of Sam's room and followed Elliot to the car to bring the last of her brother's things into the rehabilitation centre. "Well, here we are Sammy. It's not so bad. I've seen worse. I think we can make this room feel comfortable so…."

"It smells like feet."

"I guess maybe it's previous occupant wasn't overly attentive to personal hygiene….." came the conceding wink from Olivia as she rummaged around in her many bags and drew out a squirt bottle of surface cleaner and a can of room spray, "… but your Mom came armed and ready to fix that."

"Nice."

"I'm gonna give the bathroom a quick freshen up as well. Try make it smell a little less like a hospital." Moving things around, setting out his things and attempting to make the place feel a little more homey Olivia continued, "I'll not be long and then maybe we could draw you a bath? I could stay and help until you get to know the staff here?"

"I'm fifteen in two days Mom I don't want you bathing me like a baby."

"Oh, oh of course I….."

"I'll do it tomorrow." She couldn't understand how she was failing so miserably to do and say the right thing around him. She relied so heavily on her unfailing instincts with victims and they never let her down. How was it so much harder with her own son?

"Can I get you anything?"

"I'm fine."

"Well just shout up if you…."

"I'm such an idiot."

"Sammy…." she soothed, laying down her weapons and walking slowly over to the bed to take his arm.

"I really thought I'd walk out of there. That when I left the hospital it'd be because I was back to normal. I had everyone telling me I wasn't ever going to be. That there wasn't going to be the freakin' miracle I kept waiting for. I did listen, I tried to. I just couldn't hear it."

"Oh sweetheart, oh baby boy…." she murmured, fussing at his face and hair as she struggled to find words.

"I hear it now…." he mumbled, allowing his eyes to drift around the soulless treatment centre walls and the clunky, cumbersome bed he was hauled up in, "….loud and clear."

"You are so strong Sam. You are the strongest boy I know and you might not believe it right now but you are going to get through this. I know it doesn't seem that way right now but you just wait and see, you just wait and see how this is just not even close to being…."

"This is my life now Mom."

"I…."

"This room, this bed, these four walls. Even if I get out of here I….."

"When! **When** you get out of here, this isn't forever baby."

"Can you just stop?" he asked plainly, simply, emphatically as he looked up at her and pleaded, "Can you please just stop? Just for a minute? Just for a second? This is all crap. It just sucks. It just sucks on levels I didn't even know existed and I can take the freakin' Pollyanna act from Vee and the positive thinking from Dad and all the doctors but not from you."

"Okay."

"You've just always been honest with me Mom and I just need you to just stop pretending that this is any different than it is."

"It sucks, sweetheart…." he smiled slightly, so funny was it to hear such an incongruous statement from her mouth, "… and I'm sorry if I'm not letting you just feel that."

"Mom I'm never gonna play football again."

"I know."

"I'm not gonna be the same, not ever. I hate it when stuff changes. I hate it. I'm not like Vee. I hate trying new foods and sports and music and going to new places. I like things the same. I like things to always just be the same and nothing is ever going to be the same again."

"No, no it isn't Sam….." she choked, because he needed her to be honest and though it hurt in every muscle and clear through to her bones she held is hand and felt his pain with him, "… but we're gonna get through it. I am _right here_, kid. I got you. We're in this together. Day by day, hour by hour, every step of the way I'm gonna have your back I **promise** you."

"I'm not gonna get better ….." and there it was, his fingers slipped from the ledge and he finally lost grip on the denial he had been clinging to, "…. I'm never gonna walk again Mom."

"I'm right here, baby. I'm right here and I'm not going anywhere. I'm right here….." leaning into the bed and lifting him up gently into her arms Olivia cradled him with all the desperate, urging, tenderness and loving determination she had when he was just a tiny fragile new born almost fifteen years earlier, "…. and I love you more than life itself. I love you Sam. I love you, I love you, I love you. You're going to be okay. You're stronger than you know and I am so proud of you. Hold on, sweetheart. Just hold on because it will get better. That much I swear to you. It sucks, it does, but it will get _better_ and it will hurt less and I will help you get there. I love you, Sammy, so just hold on for me. Hold on for your Momma and we will do this, we'll do this together: you and me, you and me kid, you and me."

* * *

"But that's not _fair _Dad."

"You're really saying that to me Mouse? You're really giving me that crap when your brother is lying over at Mercy in the state he's in?"

"You **know **I hate it when you do that."

"Eve…." warned Elliot, exhausted, frustrated, and in no mood for her games.

"The fact that there are starving children in Africa was never a valid reason for me to gag down broccoli when it's gross and I hate it….." standing her ground, squaring her shoulders to him the same way she had since she was old enough to stand Eve persisted, "… and Sam being paralysed is not a valid reason for making me feel bad for…."

"For God's sake Evie!"

"Mom would let me go."

"Don't you dare, don't you _dare _pull that one with me you know better."

"Dad you're just not being reasonable!" losing her grip on calm Evie screwed up her face and struggled to keep the whine from her voice. "Cal wants to do something fun and stupid to take my mind of everything and he knows I love geeky stuff so he's got this aquarium trip all planned out and…."

"It's your brother's birthday this weekend. All the kids are in town. This is family time Eve."

"Not all weekend! Eli and Maureen don't even get in until Friday night and I'll be home by then I promise. This is just in the day time."

"Eve I said no and we're done talking about this."

"Do you have any idea how expensive it is to go to the aquarium? I already told him I could go. He already bought the tickets and he can't really afford it but he did it anyway because….."

"Well you _shouldn't _have already told him you could go without checking with your Mom and me first."

"So you're seriously saying I can't go?"

"You know what Mouse I can't do this. I can't fight with you right now. I can't…." shaking his head slowly from side to side Elliot felt himself getting so angry his whole body shook.

"Dad?"

"Look just go ask Liv, go ask your Mom….." it wasn't her fault, it wasn't even about her but he needed her to clear the blast site before he imploded and said something he'd regret, "… if she signs off on it then I give in. If she says you can go then fine you can go."

"Okay…." she swallowed quietly, but suddenly winning didn't feel very much like winning anymore.

* * *

"Momma?"

"Oh hey baby girl….." looking up from her laptop Olivia pulled a worried face, removing her glasses and patting the space beside her on the bed, "… what's up? Sweetheart what's wrong?"

"Nothing, nothing I'm fine…." lied Eve, though it took Olivia less than a heartbeat to see the lie in her pretty white smile and sad blue eyes.

"Come on, get in here….." gathering up the sea of papers and closing her computer lid Olivia set it entirely aside, crossing her pyjama clad legs and pushing up the sleeves of her soft cashmere cardigan, "… come snuggle."

"Everything's different Mom."

"You're still my little spoon….." smiled Olivia adoringly, nestling Eve into her chest and hugging her close in from behind, stroking at her hair and murmuring, "… that won't ever change. Neither will how much I love your bones."

"Tighter."

"I'll squeeze all the air out of you!" but despite a light chuckle Olivia held Eve closer, kissing at her cheek and then pressing their faces together and whispering gently. "What's going on, baby girl? Talk to your Momma?"

"I just have….all these feelings… .a lot of…." for want of a better word, and for once quite speechless Eve repeated, "… feelings."

"Are we talking about our favourite nineteen year old fuck up?" that would stick, thought Eve as she smiled to herself hearing how despite the words coming out of Olivia's mouth her tone was like warm syrup. Sarcasm did little to mask how much she too loved Calvin.

"No, no not really….." she answered honestly, as Olivia wrapped an arm around her neck and she rested her chin against it, "… it's not complicated, what I feel for him. It's easy. It doesn't confuse me. I just love him."

"Oh babe, you're just the cutest thing. I wish I could bottle you I really do."

"Mom!" came that precious teenage lament as Eve squirmed under the weight of her mother's infinite love.

"Is it your brother?" it was a fair guess, and not an entirely inaccurate one. "Is that what's gotten you so upset?"

"Maybe, partly, but…." finding it easier to not to have to look into those all-knowing brown eyes as she made her confession Eve murmured, barely audible, "…. but mostly it's Dad."

"Did you two have a fight?" the accident had been so brutally hard on all of them, thought Olivia, but it was only a matter of time before Elliot's cracks began to show. He held everything inside, he let it fester and bubble for longer than he could stand and then finally one day hell fire and fury would bury everyone around him in molten misery. "Did he upset you baby?"

"No."

"Evie?" whispered Olivia, hugging her even closer if that were still possible, "What is it?"

"Mom you know how it was just me and you once? When I was first born? You told me that. I know that's how it was. Fin said how we were inseparable. He said how you took me everywhere. He said how it got so it was just wrong not to see me attached to you."

"I was a first time momma and you were my baby girl….." and then, whispering straight into Eve's soul Olivia added, "… still are."

"I know you tell him everything. I know you do even when you say you don't. I don't want to come between that. I don't want to come between the two of you. I just…."

"Eve you are scaring the hell out of me right now you realise that?" wriggling out of their embrace Olivia sat bolt upright, looking at her daughter heart in mouth, "Is this where you tell me you're on drugs or your pregnant or you…."

"No!"

"Evie!"

"He was my hero."

"Who was?" asked Olivia, feeling confident that none of her fears were true or Eve would've have confessed by now. "Your Dad?" asked Olivia, purely rhetorically because the broken hearted answer was written all over Eve's face.

"And I don't know whether it's what's happened to Sammy or because I'm growing up or because I know what it's like to love someone, to _really_ love someone but it's not the same anymore with him. He was a superhero. He was so big and strong and brave and he could fight off any monsters or bad guys and I really believed that. I was his little Mouse and he was my Dad and he took me to church and talked about God and doing what was right and honourable and it was all just bullshit."

"Evie, baby, you have known for years what happened between your Dad and Kathy. We've always been honest about the two halves of our family. You know that Kathy has forgiven him for hurting her….."

"But I haven't forgiven him….." said Eve with astounding frankness, "…. for hurting you."

"Oh sweetheart….."

"I don't hate Kathy, I mean she's alright, she's kind of annoying and blah but…."

"Evie! That's not kind and besides your Dad only did what he….."

"Don't defend him Mom that only makes it worse."

"I…."

"You know we've all just been talking and talking about how Calvin is so messed up and he's just gonna do something terrible and hurt me and screw me up but he spent three hours wages buying tickets to take me to the aquarium and….."

"Did you tell him about those glow in the dark seahorses you want to see?"

"No but he just knows I'm a dork for stuff like that. My point is that everyone is spending so much time telling me how he's not good enough for me and all he's doing is proving you all wrong and then I see my Dad and he's just such a hypocrite. My Dad in all his ex-Marine, NYPD glory who's really just a cheat and a coward and…."

"Oh Evie don't…."

"He had sex with you in an elevator and got you pregnant and then chose his wife over you over and over again and got you so hurt and small that you couldn't even tell him about me and…."

"Breathe, baby, breathe….."

"He made you small!" came the impassioned, fiercely defensive cry from a little girl who would face Armageddon for the woman in front of her. "He made you **small** Momma and….." shaking her head, her long hair like a fallen halo around her eyes Eve's face crumbled to bitter tears as she cried, "… and I don't know how to forget that or forgive him and I just….."

"Oh Evie, oh my baby, oh my baby girl….." gasped Olivia , quite winded, reaching down and scooping Eve up into her arms, cradling her and whispering, "…. this is not your fight, this is not your pain sweetheart and you don't have to…."

"Please don't tell him? Please, please don't ever let him know we had this conversation?"

"I won't, I won't tell him but I'm just so sorry that you've had all of this bottled up inside of you and I didn't know."

"I didn't even know."

"You have to know though that it isn't that simple. Life never is. I just need you to trust that ten and twenty years from now you will have a different understanding of what happened than you do now. Your father is a good man but he's not perfect. No one is. Sometimes the hardest part of growing up is realising that your parents are only human….." said Olivia with a quiet, unwavering strength, "…. we make mistakes too, sweet girl."

"Mom is it okay if I go back to stay at Fin's tonight? If I keep staying there?"

"I'd rather have you here with me….." said Olivia, before realising that she and Elliot were still coming and going all over the place and Fin and Melinda were probably the safest hands to leave her daughter in, "… but yes, yeah you can stay there a little longer. I'll drive you over there myself."

"Thanks Momma…." it didn't need saying, but Eve said it anyway, "… for everything."

* * *

"Eat this."

"I'm not hungry."

"No, no you're drunk….." noted Texas, scuffing fray bottomed jeans and flip flops out onto the back porch and plopping down beside Calvin and his empty beer bottle collection with a plate of food, "… pass me one of those?"

"No."

"I'm not gonna drink it, asshole….." she groaned, leaning over him and grabbing a bottle from his other side "… just hold it."

"Tex that's sad, that's real pathetic…." he said, with acute awareness of the irony of those words as he sat faded in his back yard, "… and are your pants half off?"

"It's the latest in crap-poor maternity wear, d'ya dig it?" she chuckled, leaning back on her free hand shamelessly displaying her burgeoning bump poking out from unbuttoned and unzipped jeans.

"At least pull your shirt down….." he mumbled fondly, reaching over and tugging her white t-shirt down over her stomach though it still failed to meet the top of her jeans and he added with a smirk, "….tramp."

"You know your phone has been buzzing that whole time I was feeding Viv….." just hearing the words, how she mothered his mother like she soon would her infant child made Calvin cringe despite his beer haze, "… Evie's ringtone."

"I don't want her to see me like this."

"Mijo you can't shut her out, you can't treat her like an adult one minute and baby her like a child the next."

"It's not about her being a kid or not it's about being fucking ashamed of my car wreck of a mother."

"Cal…."

"She is _never_ going to change Texas…." he mumbled, taking back the beer in her hand and popping its top with his teeth. Taking a long chug he nursed it with a brooding sigh, "Why do I keep waiting? Why do I keep expecting something when I know better? She's got nothing to give."

"Because you love her, because it's heart breaking to watch someone you care about destroy themselves, let alone when it's your mother. Because we have already lost too many people to that shit."

"Trigger?" nodded Calvin, remembering their friend and taking another swig of beer to wash it down. "Boots when the hell did our lives get so fucked up? He was one of the good ones."

"You only call me Boots when you're drunk or we're about to do something stupid."

"Or each other….." he shrugged with a dark smirk, "… I used to call you Boots when that was all you had on."

"Okay, no more beer for you…." she declared, reaching over and confiscating his bottle, "… you are too far gone already."

"We gotta get out of here Tex….." he said softly, reaching over and playing gently with the cluster of gold sparkle hanging from her ear, fingering the metal broodingly, "…. before we can't _ever _get out. Before it sucks is in, before we drown in it."

"It's been a rough day, mijo, that's all. Tomorrow will be better."

"How'd you do that? How'd you always see the fucking silver lining? I try to blame her past. Try to tell myself she can't help it, she just got screwed over by life, you know? Only it's shit. Livia's mom was raped just the same as hers but you don't see her shooting up in the bathroom."

"Calvin that's not fair, you can't…."

"She's not the only one who ever had bad things happen to them. She's not the only one who ever had a shit life. Life is shit for a lot of people but they don't all become such a waste of fucking space the way she has."

"Don't do that, don't talk about her like that just because you're drunk and angry. It's not fair. She's got demons she can't fight and that's not her fault. Not everyone is as strong as your precious Olivia, mijo. She's the exception not the rule. She's the only person I know who can live through that kind of darkness and come out the other side a better person. Most people just get dragged down again no matter how many times they try to get back up. It's not your Mom's fault."

"I'm tired of it all Tex….." he sighed, so beaten and battered by life she could hardly stand it as she put her arms around him and he curled into her like an exhausted child, "… always fucking running uphill."

"I know you are, love….." holding his head against her chest she stroked it tenderly, feeling his arms encircle her rounded stomach and hating how good and how right it felt "…. and if I could fix things for you I would. In a heartbeat."

"I dunno how many times I can keep doing this. We always wind up back in the same place. What's the fucking point?"

"The point is that's she's your mother and she's the closest thing I've got to one so we don't give up on her. We don't give up on her ever. We keep doing this as many times as it takes. When she wakes up tomorrow it'll be day one again and we just…."

"It's been day one for nineteen years Texas….." came the mumble from her chest as he buried his face in the warm, familiar comfort of her, "…. and I'm done. I'm so fucking done."

"No you're not, you're not you're just drunk and that's okay. You get to be drunk tonight but tomorrow you get to be sober because life goes on."

"Tex?"

"You gonna throw up?" she asked. They had been here before too.

"We're gonna do right by her….."

"Your Mom?" asked Texas, pushing him upright and waiting a moment to see he balanced before sitting back and waiting for an answer.

"Nope….." mumbled Calvin and she knew then as he met her eyes that he wasn't so very drunk, just comfortably numbed. From somewhere behind a curtain of hair came a warm, almost bashful little smile as he reached a broad palm to her belly and lay it fingers spread against its swell, "We're gonna give her a different kind of life."

"Cal…."

"You know Livia isn't the only person who made shit shine….." came the loaded murmur as Calvin reached his other hand to her face, stroking his thumb along her cheek and staring intently, "… you're fucking something else Tex."

"Calvin don't…." she wasn't coy, she wasn't even particularly humble or modest she just couldn't stand how strong her memories of his touch still were. It was the perfect torture. His commitment to her child, his hand on her stomach, the way she could remember what that beer on his breath tasted like on his tongue.

"Did I say the wrong thing?" he asked, so genuine in his affection her reaction confused him. Perhaps he was even drunker than he realised. "I _am_ pretty wasted."

"I'm gonna go check on Viv….." clambering to her feet Texas stepped into the kitchen and returned a moment later to set a tumbler of water down at his side, "… here, drink this. I'm on the early tomorrow and I need you sober enough to drive her to a meeting first thing."

* * *

"Mouse told me you said she can go to the aquarium with Calvin on Friday after all."

"It's not going to make a blind bit of different to Sam's weekend. His birthday isn't until Saturday and your kids don't get into town until late on the Friday anyway. Elliot do you have _any _idea how good it'll be for her to just go out and have fun? Her little world is unrecognisable right now and he makes her laugh."

"You knew I already said no though, right?"

"Are you even listening to me?"

"I get your logic, Liv. I just thought we always had the strictest policy to not let the kids double team us?"

"We did, we do but…." rummaging in the dressing table for a tie Olivia pulled her thick hair back off her face and tied it loosely, "… look I'm too tired to fight with you tonight Elliot. I'm just exhausted."

"Where you going?"

"To take Evie back over to Fin's place. I said she could stay there a while longer."

"Did we talk about that?" he was beyond being mad with her. Now it was just indignant frustration. "Did we have that conversation and I forgot?"

"No, no we didn't but…."

"Liv…."

"And I know you're not going to like this but I have a meeting with the commissioner down at the 1-6 first thing tomorrow that I can't miss. It's all the precinct captains and…."

"Babe we have therapy at 9am."

"Take notes for me?" she said quietly, not unaware that she was painfully in the wrong on this one. "El I'm sorry but I can't get out of this one. Please babe don't give me that look, don't do that to me. You know full well that when the commissioner says jump I say off which cliff."

"Yeah, yeah I am pretty damn aware of that fact."

"Elliot!" she protested, wounded by his icy stare of disappointment. "That isn't helping you know? Guilt tripping me?"

"You know Olivia the rest of the group are starting to think I'm a single parent of a T9 kid."

"Screw you."

"You're pretty damn quick to call me out on my shortcomings and I respect you for that. I try to work on them. If I'm an ass I try to own it."

"And I appreciate that but…."

"But you're not perfect either you know. You are distant and absent and you're making all these decisions about our kids that we should be making together and how the hell are you not telling the commissioner that just this _once _your family comes first? That just this _one time _we are more important than SVU?"

"I have to go. Eve's waiting for me in the car."

"That her stuff?"

"No…." she swallowed, wrapping her hand slowly around the holdall she had packed earlier after her talk with Eve, "… no, no it's not."

"Liv?"

"I'm going to stay at Fin's tonight as well. My daughter needs me."

"Our daughter….." said Elliot, too hurt to be angry as he met her eyes and sighed, "… you're seriously not gonna stay here with me and try to fix this?"

"I'll try get out early from this meeting and come meet you at the hospital. Please give the group my apologies."


	31. Finding Out Your Only Human Is Hard

"Should I have brought my weapon?"

"What?" asked the familiar voice as Elliot entered the squad room to find Olivia sat perched on Fin's desk. Her feet resting on his chair, her elbows braced against her knees and her hands clasped between them she looked up at him as he walked toward her. "You think I lured you here in the middle of the night to do you in?"

"I mean it's the perfect crime."

"Is it?" she asked, laughing despite herself as he shook his head and they both pulled a face.

"No! No I have no idea what I'm saying. Only that I'm stood in the middle of your squad room half-dressed at 3am wondering when the hell I parted company with reality."

"Our squad room….." she corrected, her face entirely makeup free and her hair scared back in a messy ponytail.

"Have you lost your mind Captain Stabler?" he asked, despite their being in a fight still reaching to her face and stroking it tenderly. "Did you finally drop your basket?" he puzzled, feeling as though perhaps he had dreamt their tension earlier that evening. That he had imagined how strained things had been since Sam's accident. "Liv what's going on?"

"This is where it started. All of it. Everything we are. Everything we have. It's all here…." unlacing her fingers she held her arms outstretched either side of her, gesturing to the walls and desks around them, "…. maybe it didn't look quite like this back then. We sure as hell looked better."

"Speak for yourself….." he interjected, flashing that roguish little boy smile she so adored, "… I've aged like a fine wine."

"Back then we were an impossibility. All those times we stared a little too long, stood a little too close, did the wrong thing for the right reasons or the right thing for the wrong ones. When I first started here I thought I had everything figured out. I thought I knew it all. I was so naïve, so young. So fiercely independent one minute and then totally at the mercy of the blue eyed Neanderthal at my six the next."

"I was a delight."

"You were the best looking bad idea I ever had."

"Is this going somewhere?" he asked, taking faux offence and smiling, "Are you working up to a point?"

"I'm working up to apology….." she replied, meeting his eyes and nodding slowly, "… I owe you an apology Elliot."

"You do?" and she smiled because he knew he was just relishing making her actually say the words.

"I'm sorry."

"Babe I've known you long enough at this point to understand that total lock down is your default panic setting. I get that. I get that you hold the world at arms' length until you can handle the crap it's throwing at you. I've seen it time and time again and it doesn't bother me. What bothers me is when you hold _me_ at arms' length."

"I don't mean to. I don't even realise I'm doing it most of the time. At least not until we're fighting and you're giving me hell with good reason and I suddenly realise that I've put the one person who keeps me sane on the wrong side of a closed door. It's not intentional…"

"I know…." he sighed, remembering how there was nothing sweeter in the world than that first time he got to hold her again after a disagreement, "… I know it's not."

"I'm my own worst enemy."

"Yeah, yeah you are." Chuckling to himself, standing between her parted knees and cuddling her close into his chest Elliot kissed at her hair. "You really are."

"I was sat there at Fin's tonight nursing a glass of red feeling so damn lonely and suddenly I was thirty years old again. Drinking alone in 4D and drowning in the guilt of loving someone else's husband and the pain of knowing there'd never be anyone else for me."

"I don't know which was worse. That or me lying next to Kathy every night and thinking about you….." it was still there, after all those years, after all the water that had passed under the bridge when he touched her, when she kissed him, the fire burned just as strong, "….imagining what it would be like to….."

"Elliot I have to tell you something….." she said suddenly, pulling back but reaching to touch at his arms and wrists and hands as to as to maintain contact, "… the real reason I think I wound up here at 2am."

"Liv?"

"I crossed a line with Evie."

"What kind of line?"

"The line where I let her into parts of my life, parts of myself that I shouldn't have. I feel so close to her sometimes, so connected, I lose my boundaries. I lost them earlier tonight. I spoke with her about things that I had no right to. More than shutting you out I need to apologise for letting her in."

"Does this have anything to do with how she's been with me lately?"

"I promised her I wouldn't talk to you about this and I shouldn't have. I had no business promising her that."

"I don't want to make you break your word….." said Elliot quietly, "… her trust in you is everything to her."

"She'll be seventeen next time and she's growing up. She's feeling all these things for Calvin and figuring out where her own boundaries lie, what expectations she has of him, what limits she's going to set. I guess it's resurrected some old ghosts."

"Liv do you still resent me those early days? Do you still think about how it was when we were an affair and I was married and I wasn't who you needed me to be?"

"El you were always who I needed you to be it was just…."

"I can handle Mouse. I can talk to her about this. I'll find a way to come at it. There is not a doubt in my mind that from the moment I knew she was my kid I have done right by her. I'm not ashamed of one single action taken or not taken as her father."

"Nor should you be….." affirmed Olivia poignantly.

"I guess she hasn't forgiven me for back then."

"It's not her hurt to forgive, not really. You didn't do do her wrong I did. I should have set her straight on that. I _will _set her straight. I was so quick to call you out on not being able to stand her not liking you but I was guilty of that same thing. I should've made it clear to her, I should've made it painfully clear to her that it _two_ of us to make the mess we did."

"It was me that couldn't leave Kathy."

"But that is **my** past, my pain, my scar not hers. If I'd told you my baby was yours. If I hadn't tried to pass her off as David's then you would've been there. You would've been there in that delivery room and I know that. I know that in my bones, Elliot."

"Liv…." by God he needed to hear her say that, and so for a minute they just allowed the statement to comfort them.

"What I should've told her, what I _will _tell her is that if she wants to be angry at someone then it should be me. I was the one who kept her dad from being there when she was born. I'm the reason you weren't there from day one and that's the only thing she has any business being a part of. What happened before that, what happened between the two of us…."

"Which she should be angry at _me_ for…"

"No **I** should be angry at you for that! She might be just about old enough to understand first love but she's nowhere near being able to understand _our_ love."

"Olivia how the hell did we manage to get this far and raise those two amazing kids when we're both such fucking wrecks?" he couldn't help but laugh, shaking his head with loving disbelief.

"Because we stuck together, because I'm guarded and defensive and your angry and stubborn but we call each other out on our crap and try to do better, because we're neither one of us perfect but together we're a damn good team….." holding her breath a moment, holding his eyes in hers and reaching for his hands she exhaled, "… and because I love you more than words with ever do justice."

"She orbits you, Liv."

"Evie?" it was such a strange statement, that it hit her like an arrow.

"It's more than love, it's more than a mom and daughter, it's more than hero worship….." murmured Elliot, capable of more depth and emotion than she so often gave him credit for, "… from the moment she was born that kid has built her life around you. Her mom is her whole world."

"Her mom taught her it's okay to sleep with a married man, have his baby and not tell him it's his."

"Her mom taught her forgiveness."

"I…."

"Her mom taught her and empathy and compassion….." reaching his hands to her face, holding her teary eyed smile in his hands Elliot caught his breath, "…. her momma taught her how to love a messed up kid who has nothing and no one. How to look past the drugs and the violence and the mistakes and see the boy who just needs someone to believe in him."

"El…."

"She believes in him the way you believed in me."

"The way I still believe in you."

"Let me talk to her? Let me have the conversation?" asked Elliot softly, stroking the tears from her cheekbones with his thumbs. "Let me make it perfectly clear to her that I might've taken a while to do the right thing but it was just complicated. It wasn't because I ever doubted us. We were a done deal the moment you walked into the 1-6 in the ugly pants and I don't ever plan on being without you so…."

"I really wish I'd worn a skirt that day."

"That wouldn't have been very badass."

"I don't ever plan on being without you either."

"You wanna do it on my desk?"

"What?" she asked, feeling quite blindsided by the suggestion.

"I always kinda had this fantasy….." he confessed, but though she was laughing through exhaustion he knew tonight was not his night, "… maybe another time, huh?"

"Nice try Romeo….." sliding an arm around his waist and leaning on him Olivia chuckled, "… but just take me home?"

* * *

"Oh dude, no way, baby come check this guy out….." said Calvin with a gleeful chuckle as he grabbed for Eve's hand and dragged her over to the enclosure, "… this seal has a beard."

"That's because he's a walrus."

"He's fucking ugly as all hell."

"Cal don't be cruel!" protested Eve, quickly scanning the colourful fact board beside the open air enclosure and then leaning in to get a better look at the creature. "He's called Karoo and he's a pacific walrus. He was rescued from the ocean as a baby and hand reared by a trainer named Bob."

"You know his inside leg too?" teased Calvin fondly, standing behind her holding her hips as she leant over the railing and craned her neck to watch Karoo waddle for his lunchtime feed.

"It's on the sign, asshole."

"He's kind of a dude….." conceded Calvin, as Eve looked over her shoulder to see him quite taken by the comical looking creature, "… check out his walk, the hairy seal's got swagger."

"It reminds me of that poem."

"Oh me too…." he smirked, squeezing at her waist and flashing his eyes, "… I love that one."

"Shut up!"

"Go on then?" he asked, grabbing for her hand as they strolled on to the next tank. "You remember it?"

"The time has come, the Walrus said, to talk of many things…." began Eve, a little saddened suddenly "… of shoes and ships and sealing wax, of cabbages and kings…."

"Baby?" asked Calvin, seeing mood suddenly changed. Losing her eyes to the distance he felt her hand slacken its grip on his and her voice pinch.

"And why the sea is boiling hot….." she murmured, "… and whether pigs have wings."

"Bambi what is it?" he coaxed gently, deliberately holding his physical distance and allowing her a moment to breathe. "What's wrong?"

"I had to learn that verse for an English class in junior high….." she explained, so clearly a million miles away in her mind, "… Sammy got so sick of hearing me repeating it over and over around the house."

"I'll bet…." smiling softly, and very deliberately missing her point Calvin trailed off.

"Cal this morning has been awesome. It's been so much fun. It was just what I needed and such a good idea but….." chewing on her cheek she looked to him and meeting his eyes smiled hopefully, "… well, do you think it would maybe be cool if we kinda skipped out on the rest?"

"Yes."

"Really?"

"You know how to get to the rehab centre from here?" he asked, knowing just exactly where her head was at.

"I think I can figure it out….." she nodded, reaching for his hand and squeezing it gratefully, "… and thank you, thank you for understanding."

* * *

"I don't know how she does it."

"Does what?"

"Like just go and talk to random people. She's always been like that. It's me who lives here but I haven't talked to anyone yet. Even the T9 kids. She's just wandering into peoples' rooms like, hey, what's up, I'm Evie."

"You'll figure it all out in your own time. Not everyone has to jump in head first like she does." Shrugged Calvin, finding himself increasingly endeared to the modest, unassuming and incredibly warm nature of the younger Stabler sibling.

"I like having her here. It's really cool. Just hanging out this afternoon….." shrugging lightly Sam smiled across the table at Calvin, "… it kinda felt like before, you know? Like nothing had changed."

"She hasn't changed. She's still your sister. You're pretty much stuck with her. She's not going anywhere."

"That a Black Hawk?" asked Sam, sitting up in his wheelchair and leaning over a low level table pouring over a range of mini model aircraft. "Which box did it come out of?" he queried, for there were several. Hoping that he might at some point find opportunity to visit Sam again Calvin had bought a selection of model military aircraft and land transport. Partly because he had a growing fascination, and partly because he recalled crafts and activities had been the best way of taking a patient's mind off their situation. It was not his first visit to a rehabilitation centre.

"Nah bud you got the Black Hawk over behind your elbow….." smiled the older boy, so docile, so contented as he fixed together the kit pieces with absolute concentration, "… this right here is the Apache. Fucking incredible, huh?"

"What's the difference? They just like two helicopters." Barely able to form a fist let alone perform the intricacies of hand function required to help Sam simply sat and watched, asking questions, pushing the correct pieces across the table and helping Calvin decipher the instructions he insisted he didn't need.

"Black Hawk's bigger. Seats like 5 guys. Kinda takes people from A to B and it's big, like seriously big. But your Apache here?" hoisting up the almost complete model in his hand Calvin flew it around the airspace between them and grinned, "Two guys, a shit load of ammo and you can just get in there and get the fucking job done."

"How do you know so much about all this anyways?" curious, seeing the fire in Calvin's pale eyes as he spoke with evident authority on the subject Sam stared captivated.

"I read some stuff."

"You can read?" and suddenly, just for a moment, Sam felt himself reconnect. Just for a split second as he cracked the quip and Calvin laughed, impressed by his quick wit, he found his confidence creeping back.

"Yeah I can fucking read you little shit."

"You just like helicopters and planes?" asked Sam, wishing his neck was strong enough to look down and peer into the bag Calvin had brought along with him.

"Nope, nah check this out..." leaning down and rustling in the paper bag for a while Calvin produced another cardboard box with a photograph design on the front that made Sam smile, "…. wanna build a tank?"

"M1A1?"

"Nice, nice intel there Stabler….." laughed Calvin, clearly impressed again by Sam's knowledge and it made the fifteen year old swell with pride.

"My dad tries to talk about the Marines sometimes to Eli and me but it gets really old really fast. I like building this stuff, like playing at it, but they're all just helicopters and that just seems like a truck with a big gun on it to me."

"Are you kidding me? Like could you even _imagine _getting behind one of these things? Just you and a 70 tonne piece of the US of A coming at the world….." he had only ever seen Calvin this animated, this engaged and excited around Eve, it made Sam like him even more, "…. no one could stop you. You'd be king of the fucking world."

"Are you causing chaos in here Arliss?"

"Oh….." turning to the door as a familiar voice materialised in it Calvin smiled warmly, "… hey Livia."

"You boys look like you're having fun….." she noted, her heart soaring to see that not only was Sam up and out of bed but that he was beaming from ear to ear.

"Vee brought Cal when she came to visit. He bought me these awesome models. We've been building them. Well, he's been building them….." but it didn't matter, and Olivia could see that, her son didn't seem to care that he wasn't physically putting the pieces together because he was still part of what was happening, "…. we've got a M1A1 up next. I'm gonna show Dad when we're done."

"He will _love_ that, baby boy…."

"Mom!" eyes popping out on stalks Sam shot her a warning glare and she didn't know whether to laugh or cry. She had embarrassed him but strangely she didn't care. Suddenly he was just any other teenage boy, hanging out with his friend and wanting to be all grown up and cool. It was the first flash of normality they had shared in a while and she treasured it.

"You'll always be my baby boy, kid, but I'll stop being an embarrassing Mom now and leave you guys to it. Where is the other one anyway? Where's Evie and I'll go humiliate her instead?"

"She got bored so she went to talk to some of the other T9'ers for a while…." good for her, thought Olivia with a smile.

"I'll go see if I can find her."

"Am I alright here?" asked Calvin, a little unsure as to how she would take his presence and not wanting to outstay his welcome.

"Sweetheart you….." she sighed, shaking her head from side to side and realising he hadn't the first idea what a relief the sight before her was, "….. yeah, yeah you are. You two carry on. I'll be back."

* * *

"What is it?"

"I wanted to show you something. Go ahead, go on…." prompted Olivia, as she and Eve sat beside one another on a bench in the rehabilitation centre gardens, "… take a look."

"Oh my goodness when was this? You're _gorgeous _Mom!" gasped Eve, her eyes dancing across the stunning gown and plunging neckline of the dress Olivia had worn one night seventeen years earlier. "Where were you going? It must've been a really fancy occasion."

"The annual NYPD ball."

"The night you and Dad…."

"Next picture, please?" cutting Eve off midsentence Olivia didn't want to go into detail.

"Is that me?" beamed Eve, recognising herself as a baby pinned tightly against her mother's chest as Elliot hugged her from behind and pulled a face. Both her parents were sporting their Yankee colours and she was wearing a matching onesie.

"Your dad walked you around Yankee Stadium telling anyone who would listen that you were his baby girl. That this was his daughter's first game and you were the reason we were up 6-0."

"He said that?" asked Eve, clearly deeply affected. "But he was still married to Kathy then, right?"

"Never made a blind bit of difference to how he felt about you Evie…." said Olivia, waiting a moment for the statement to really resound before continuing. "I wasn't honest with him. He didn't have any idea he was your father and that was on me, that was my doing. I kept you from him. If you want to blame someone for him not being there when you were first born then it's me you should be looking to not him."

"I know why you did it."

"I had no right. It was the wrong thing to do. It was selfish and cruel and he won't ever get those moments back. I cheated him out of those first memories with you and there was nothing he could do about it."

"I get what you're saying."

"Do you, baby?" she asked, needing to know Eve was not only saying the words but feeling them.

"Are you pregnant again in this one?" she wasn't being dismissive in deflecting, just protective of herself. Gosh she was like her, thought Olivia.

"That was your first ice cream and you got it _all over _your face…." recalled Olivia, leaning in close to get a better look at the photograph of Elliot holding a messy Eve in Central Park as she attempted to clean her face. "Yeah, yeah I must've been a good few months along there I reckon."

"Well your boobs are enormous so…."

"Evie!"

"Well they are!" laughed Eve lightly, not in the least bit shy around Olivia no matter what the topic. Their intimacies were infinite and so was her love for mother. Something she never felt as strong as when she turned to the next picture and felt her heart skip, "Oh wow I love this one so much….." she murmured, her slender finger reaching to the photograph she had seen many times before and tracing the silhouette of Olivia's exquisite wedding gown, "… you look like a queen." Not a princess, that was too frivolous, too ingenuous. Olivia's presence, her confidence, her calm as she stood on Elliot's arm was regal. She was a queen.

"Oh Evie look at your little dress, look how cute you were…." shaking her head adoringly Olivia beamed with pride. Sometimes she missed having a baby to coddle, to coo and fuss over. Before she knew it both kids would be grown and gone and even the thought of it terrified her.

"Man look at this one!" exclaimed Eve, shaking her head in disbelief at the almost panoramic picture of the extended Stabler clan one Christmas a few years earlier. "Are we all on here? I think we are. I actually think I remember taking this one, it was the year Kathy and Eli came to ours for Thanksgiving right?"

"Babe I don't want to talk to you about things that are too adult for you to understand but I need you to hear that I knew your dad was married. I knew he was married to Kathy. He was her husband. You want to paint him as the villain but I can't let you. I can't _let_ you do that because it just isn't that simple. It is grown up and complicated and messy but I need to be very clear with you that I don't hold you to any different a standard than I do myself. I have always told you that your choices, your decisions, your actions are yours to own and so are mine."

"It takes two people to make a baby….." nodded Eve slowly, understanding implicitly what her mother was saying, "… you chose to ride the elevator."

"Evie the fact that Kathy Stabler came to our house for Thanksgiving dinner? The fact that she's been to our house for more than one holiday since then? That she helped you decorate our yard with Sammy when your dad turned sixty?" choking slightly as she spoke Olivia rasped, "I think that it says it all about the kind of man your father is."

"A good one?" offered Eve, opening her eyes to a world of grey where she had previously seen only black and white.

"Those photos in your hand are the best moments of my whole life Eve. You notice what they all have in common?"

"Dad."

"He married and had two children with another woman and Kathy still loves him very, very much. Because she knows it broke his heart to tear apart their family. Because he took a breath before he walked out on twenty years of marriage and five kids. He had a right to hesitate. He had a right to get scared, Eve."

"But….."

"I'm not saying that it didn't hurt like hell. All I'm saying is that you cannot _possibly _understand all that happened. You're not supposed to. You're not supposed to be able to understand the relationship I have with your Dad. You just trust that we both love you and your brother more than anything in this world and we love each other. We love each other and whatever has happened in the past, whatever might happen in the future that will _never _change."

"So you've forgiven him?"

"Yes…." said Olivia, without flinching, without hesitation, "… and he's forgiven me."

"I'm really sorry Mom….." said Eve quietly, her head and heart so full she welled up as she looked to Olivia, "…. for the way I've been."

"It's okay, babe. It's okay."

"I feel so stupid. Like this whole time I've been shouting so loud about how I'm not a kid but just acting like such a child. I've had the best childhood. I don't think I ever realised that until I met Calvin. His Dad is gone and mine has just always been there, always. He never missed a single dance recital or cheer competition. He makes awesome macaroni cheese."

"He was the one who picked you up every single day after school not me, sweetheart."

"You were at work."

"And he was with you and your brother….."

"I love him….." lowering her eyes, crying silent tears of humiliation and humility Eve swallowed, "… so much and I've been so mean and cold….."

"I would really like for you to say all those things you just said to me to your father Eve….." said Olivia, deliberately maintain her distance a moment in order to allow Eve's revelation to truly resound, "… because I think that he needs to hear it. He _really_ needs to hear it right now."

"I will, I'll tell him….." finding a smile Eve nodded quickly, wiping away tears with the back of her hand and asking, "… are _we _okay? I'm sorry if I stressed you out. This was the last thing you needed. You should be with Sammy right now not me."

"Baby…." murmured Olivia, shaking her head and falling in love with her daughter all over again.

"Friends?" ventured Eve hopefully, then turning up the corners of her mouth as she felt the answer radiate from Olivia's smile.

"No, no Evie G I'm not your friend….." feeling Elliot on her shoulder, her voice of reason, her gravity, her better half, Olivia arched an eyebrow and stroked at Eve's cheek, "…. I'm your Momma."

"You reckon Dad might wanna go out for coffee and donuts with me or something?"

"I reckon your dad would _kill _to take his Mouse out for coffee and donuts….." chuckled Olivia, leaning over and pressing a tender kiss against Eve's forehead, "… you're my best girl Eve. I love you."

"You know your best boy is playing toy airplanes with Calvin?"

"I saw that, I did, and I think that technically they're models not toys. I would imagine they'd be pretty insistent about that."

"I just left the two of them to have at it, it's kind of boring. Like Cal keeps explaining what they all do and how many guns they can hold and what speed they can go and how long they take to refuel and….."

"You know who doesn't think it's boring? You know who is smiling again for the first time in a _really _long time?"

"Sammy….." grinned Eve with a slow nod, "… yeah, yeah he's doing pretty good today huh?"

"Tarzan has a lot of flaws, Jane….." sighed Olivia, feeling a little peace in her soul for the first time in a while as she got up from the bench and offered Eve her hand, "… but lack of heart isn't one of them."


	32. Down But Not Out

"Go Fish."

"I can't even remember what I asked for last time….." sighed Sam, rolling his eyes and shaking his head, "… this is so boring."

"You're doing so good with your hands though. Check that out, at your birthday you couldn't even bend your fingers and now you can grip." Smiled Eve supportively, noting how Sam could hold his own deck of cards now rather than her having to pretend she couldn't see them while he kept them on his lap.

"Dad's been coming to physical therapy with me…." deliberately meeting his sister's eyes, having gotten wind of how she and Elliot were not on the best of terms, "… he's been really awesome. Really awesome."

"You're not very subtle Sammy."

"What's your problem with him anyways?" she didn't want to talk to him about it. She knew it was trivial compared to his problems. She knew she needed to speak with Elliot and sooner rather than later, but right now she just wanted to be with her brother.

"Oh it's no big deal, it's nothing…" smiling with a nonchalance and convincing smile Eve knew her struggle with Elliot was not Sam's burden, "… honestly we're good. I'm just being a brat I guess."

"You know you can still talk to me?" said Sam, and the two shared that same look of absolute trust and mutual reliance they had as babes. "My ears still work."

"I promise if it was something major I'd tell you…." and it surprised her to realise that somehow her frustration with Elliot was already fading and the fact that Sam was so much brighter was so much more important.

"So where's Cal anyways? I thought he was coming this afternoon?"

"He had to work till one…." glancing up at the clock and unwittingly showing Sam her cards she felt her heart skip a beat on seeing the time, "… but he should be here any minute."

"I hope he isn't gonna cancel 'cos I wanted to ask him….." tossing his cards down onto the table Sam's face lit up enthused as Calvin sauntered in through the open door, "… hey! Buddy, you made it!"

"Traffic was hell…." came the lazy smile as Calvin transferred his truck keys and cell phone to his left hand so he could fist bump Sam with his right, "… how's it going?"

"Could be worse. Dad came for therapy this morning and Evie's been here a few hours….."

"Hey baby…." realising he had yet to acknowledge her Calvin pinched Eve's cheek between his thumb and forefinger and then leant down to kiss her gently, "… okay?"

"You hungry? I brought Sammy sandwiches from that deli down the block….." of course he was hungry, she smiled, watching him attack the brown paper bag as she handed it to him like a coyote at a carcass, "….good job we saved you some, huh?"

"I'm fucking starving. I started at 5am and we didn't stop till like a half hour ago."

"It looks hot out there….." noted Sam, turning to the window as Calvin ploughed his way at pace through his leftovers, "… man I'd give anything to be outside today."

"We could open another window?" offered Eve, getting up from her chair and seeing how wide she could get the heavy framed windows to go. "Or we could maybe take you down to recreation room? They have that, like, conservatory thing?"

"It's full of miserable, grouchy cripples."

"Sammy!" gasped Eve, though she had to concede not all the residents of the facility were warriors like her brother. "You know some of them are really nice. Martha, Nikki, Jordan, even Tom although he smells a little fruity." Though it was touching to Sam that she had made such an effort to get to know the other spinal injury patients in the unit, that she remembered all their names and little details about them, it didn't lessen his feeling of being in captivity.

"Fruity? Bambi you're such a dork!" snorted Calvin, wiping his mouth on a napkin and laughing gutturally.

"I can't even remember what the real world smells like. Like I'd sell a kidney to just go to Coney like we used to and just hang out on the beach and eat crap and lie out in the sun."

"You know can make a fucking killing from black market kidneys….." and then when Eve shot him a horrified look Calvin smirked, "…. just saying. Don't have a seizure Evie G."

"You're freakin' hilarious Cal…." chuckled Sam, loving beyond words that his prissy big sister had wound up dating her antithesis.

"Outside, huh?" mused Calvin, narrowing his eyes and sitting back in his chair.

"Oh no, uh-ah, I know that look…." said Eve slowly, not entirely sure what he was thinking, only that it was probably not a good idea. Then again, she thought quietly to herself, it would probably also be a lot of fun.

"You serious?" meeting the older boy's eyes Sam felt as though he knew what it was to be drowning, and for someone to suddenly throw you a rope.

"Let me make a call…."

"No, just no boys, this isn't a good idea and…."

"Evie shut up!" warned Sam. This was not her decision it was his.

"Tex it's me I got a question for you. Hypothetically if I bust a T9 kid out of rehab what's the worst that can happen?" both Stabler teens watched curiously as Calvin nodded, listening intently to the voice on the other end of the line.

"You're insane….." mouthed Eve, shaking her head slowly from side to side with her eyes locked on Calvin's", "… you have lost your mind Calvin Arliss."

"What'd she say?" asked Sam eagerly, when Calvin lowered his cell from his ear. "That your nurse friend?"

"Babe he can't go outside. They were really very clear about that stuff. You need, like, a pass or something. I think that there's a rule that says you're not allowed to go anywhere without a staff member's permission."

"Oh I'm sure there is….." replied Calvin, clearly entirely indifferent to the notion. "Tex says as long as we don't go too far and we're careful then we're good."

"And Texas is a board certified orthopaedic surgeon is she?" challenged Eve, narrowing her eyes and deciding whether or not she was going to give in to his crazy scheme. Sam needed this, she knew that, and she trusted Calvin. She trusted him with her life and so perhaps she ought to do so with her brother's.

"Bambi we're not smuggling the kid into Mexico….." said Calvin, strangely reassuring despite his casual manner as he got up from his chair and threw Eve her purse, "… we're just gonna take a walk is all."

"Sammy?" asked Eve, looking to her brother and deciding it was his call. "Your choice? If you want to do this then I'll help."

"I gotta get out of here Vee….." nodded Sam slowly, his eyes emphatic and imploring, "… I gotta remember what life outside these four freakin' walls feels like."

"Bambi you go keep them talking on that front desk thing and we'll go out the back way.

"How am I supposed to keep them talking all that time?" asked Eve, entirely genuine in her query.

"Seriously?" stopping dead in his tracks to just stare at her a moment Calvin shook his head, "You did not just ask me that."

"What's that supposed to mean?" she knew exactly what he meant and the implication came with such an impish little smirk she couldn't even resent him for it. "Okay! Okay fine I'll meet you by the back gate. I'm going. I'm gone."

"Cal this is really awkward…. it's just that I…" unbearably embarrassed Sam lowered his eyes in shame and swallowed hard, realising the alternative was worse and as Calvin wheeled him at pace down the corridor added, "… I need to go do something before we….."

"Yeah….." without so much as batting an eyelid Calvin backed into the bathroom and manoeuvred Sam's chair in after him, "… I figured."

"That's why you made Vee the decoy?" realised Sam, feeling a profound sense of relief at Calvin's quiet, stoic, compassion. No theatrics, no flushes of discomfiture, not one single scrap of pity.

"This is nice….." dragging the privacy curtain across the booth in which Sam was now positioned Calvin kicked his foot back against the bathroom wall and admired it's floral pattern, "… very country kitchen."

"I feel like such a freak."

"Shut up." Came the quick, dismissive reply from the other side of the curtain as Sam mumbled miserably.

"This is so humiliating. I'm officially at rock bottom having you know what I'm doing here. This is pretty much as low as it gets so….."

"Sam my mother's a fucking smack head….." finding it easier to talk with the floral barrier between them, when he didn't have to meet Sam's eyes Calvin added, "… trust me this isn't what rock bottom looks like."

"No?"

"Humiliating is having two fully functioning legs but shitting yourself in a bar because you get yourself too fucked up to realise what's happening. _That's_ as low as it gets."

"That really happened?" swallowed Sam, and as his wide eyes and baby face reappeared from behind the curtain Calvin remembered just how young he was in every possible way. Perhaps he'd said too much. Perhaps he'd lost sight of the line the way he sometimes did with Eve. "Wow."

"What you're doing? Doing what you gotta do because life screwed you over? That's just being a fucking man Sam."

"Yeah?" came the warm smile of relief and appreciation from a young boy clinging desperately to his dignity and self-worth. If Calvin wasn't ashamed to hang out with him maybe others wouldn't be. Even if they were he'd care far less because he had a friend now. He had a friend who wasn't afraid to see past the chair and look him in the eye and it was his greatest comfort.

"Yeah, yeah but quit looking at me like that. What'd you want? A hug?"

"As if!" spluttered Sam, laughing as Calvin held the bathroom door and he wheeled himself out of it.

"You want pushing?"

"Nah, nah I got it….." replied Sam without thinking, without hesitating, propelling himself solo down the corridor for the first time. Following behind Calvin just smiled to himself. Maybe he'd got it right this time. Maybe this time he'd said just enough.

* * *

"I am _shocked_ to see you here Arliss."

"Livia, hey…."

"So my son has been telling me all about the little excursion he took this afternoon."

"What?" asked Calvin blankly, sitting outside the rehabilitation centre waiting for Eve to say her goodbyes to Sam. Squinting up at her against the low setting sun he attempted to keep a smile form his face, so hard to do with her around. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Humm…." she tutted, taking a seat beside him and flashing that narrow eyed smile she usually reserved for suspicious parents or overly helpful witnesses, "… is that right?"

"Yup."

"So my 105lbs daughter lifted Sam into your truck to go for ice cream did she?" shooting up an eyebrow Olivia challenged, "You're a horrible liar, kid."

"I swear to God we were only gonna walk to that park down the street."

"But Sam wanted ice cream and Evie can't say no to him and you can't say no to her so…."

"Going outside _was_ my idea."

"And ice cream was Evie's…." nodded Olivia slowly. The more time passed the more she had come to realise that any trouble Calvin and her daughter got into was entirely mutually generated. In their own separate ways they were powder kegs of possibility and together they were fireworks. She recalled Cragen having made a similar observation about two of his detectives many years earlier.

"You mad?"

"I should be. Cal I should be mad as hell at both of you for taking Sam out of the centre without permission and loading his still healing spiral injury into a truck without proper medical supervision. I ought to have _both _your asses for taking such a risk with my son."

"But?" came that roguish smile. That glint in his eye he'd had as just a little boy and even if she had been angry she couldn't have kept it up.

"But all that beautiful boy can talk about is where he wants to go next and how he's going to make it happen and that he's made a list of all the places the three of you can go together and…."

"Livia?" tested Calvin, when she suddenly when quiet and turned away.

"Ugh when did I become such a crier!" she gasped, throwing her eyes heavenward and blinking rapidly against tears. "I'm sorry. It's just you have no idea what a relief it is to hear him sounding like Sam again. To hear him sounding like maybe his life isn't over after all."

"You were kinda always a crier….." pressing his thin lips together and drawing them to a smirk Calvin cocked his head.

"Hey!" she laughed, catching her breath and then recalling one of the more startling moments in her conversation with Sam. "Also what's this about Vivian in a bar? Having….." wincing slightly she added, "… an accident?"

"He's a little punk telling you that."

"He's fifteen years old Calvin and that's not really the kind of story he hears every day. Besides, he still tells me just about everything thank God."

"That's not normal, just so you know…." said Calvin, because he thought she needed to hear it, "….fifteen year old dudes don't share with their moms. They just don't."

"Mine does….."

"Yeah…." nodding slowly he just allowed the idea to breathe, to find its feet. Olivia smiled.

"Sweetheart is Vivian doing okay?" when he didn't answer she just inferred from his troubled silence that she had fallen off the wagon once more. "How bad is it? She going to meetings?"

"Nope."

"We could get her back into rehab, we can talk to Fin's friends up at…"

"No, no _we_ can't. This isn't your battle. You've got enough going on taking care of Sam and besides there's no point. She'll always use again eventually. She's not worth your time."

"You are….." she said quickly, determinedly, turning her body to face him and finding his eyes, "… don't you **ever** think you're on your own Calvin."

"Livia?"

"What is it?" she murmured, reaching a hand to his broad forearm and holding it lightly as she witnessed a young man deeply conflicted. "What is it, sweetheart?"

"I don't want Bambi to... it's not that it's a secret…. I'm not hiding from her…not really….I just don't know even know how I…. what I….."

"I'm listening….." swallowed Olivia quietly, giving his arm an encouraging squeeze, "…. talk to me?"

"I made her a promise."

"Who? Evie?"

"I promised Texas that I'd raise that baby with her. I promised I'd be there. Every step of the way and I want her to have that. I want her to feel safe: always. I love her. I do. We never had anyone on our side, you know? She was just so hell bent on keeping that kid and I couldn't let her do it alone. I _can't_ let her. It's just….."

"Just what?"

"I dunno."

"Cal?"

"Keeping Johnny out of jail, keeping my Mom clean and screwing Texas. That and beer. That was my life. Now Johnny's in Rikers, my Mom's back on the junk _again _and things are different now. I guess I just never wanted anything before."

"But you do now?" it was all so raw, so real, so precious and faltering it was beautiful and yet strangely painful for Olivia to see. To witness someone rediscovering hope where there had been none. In so many ways, she realised, he was finding his way in a new world the way Sam was. "What'd you want, sweetheart? Do you know?"

"Evie."

"Well, that's not a huge surprise but…."

"No, no I don't mean like that. Not just right now. Five years from now, ten years from now, always. I know it's probably never gonna happen. I know she's got college and Europe and backpacking around South America first but…."

"Evie is _not_ going backpacking around South America…." stated Olivia firmly, but both of them knew fine well if their girl set her mind to it she'd get there one day.

"And I wanna fly."

"Fly?" this really was new, thought Olivia, the desire for a life beyond simply surviving.

"I haven't really told anyone…."

"So tell me?" and then, because it was the right thing for both Calvin and her daughter she added, "And you can tell Evie in your own time."

"I wanna be part of something. Something good. Something that means something. I wanna wake up on a morning and just do something that….." shrugging lightly his face gave nothing away but his eyes said it all, "… something that fucking matters."

"What kind of something?"

"They've all just fucking wasted life. My Dad, my Mom, Johnny, even Tex. You can dress it up all you want but that kid is gonna grow up and find out her Dad fucking paid her."

"Cal…."

"She swore to me Livia. She fucking looked me in the eye and swore to me that she'd never whore again and I made it so she didn't have to. I would've done anything. I would've gone to jail; I would've gone to hell before she had to do that again."

"I believe you."

"My Mom is fucking broken. Broken in a way that only God can break a person….." by gosh sometimes his darkness stole her breath away, "… and I can't fix her."

"Oh sweetheart…."

"I can fight. I don't give a shit. I'm not scared. I can run like hell, I can shoot straight, I can do what I'm fucking told and I have peoples' backs….." snickering bitterly to himself Calvin turned to her and shrugged, "… it's pretty much the way I was raised."

"You've really thought about this haven't you?"

"Not that there's any point. It's never gonna happen. I promised Texas."

"It's not your baby, sweetheart….." shaking her head slowly Olivia spoke firmly, "… it is _not_ your responsibility."

"Yeah, yeah it is."

"Calvin…."

"There's no point freaking Bambi out. It's just shit talk. It's not even real. It's just some dumb idea she won't ever have to worry about."

"She won't hear it from me but you know I think she should hear it from you. Talk to her about this. Trust her with this. She's a senior next year, she's got some big grown up decisions to make about her future too and maybe none of them have to do with raising a child or fighting for her country….." smiling warmly Olivia added, "… but she knows what it's like trying to figure out what comes next."

"You think I'm crazy Livia?"

"No."

"No?" he tested, because there were very few opinions in the world that mattered more to him than Olivia's.

"Calvin when we were at Johnny's place and he put that gun on me most people would've frozen. Most men twice your age would've been scared out of their minds but you were fearless."

"Or just stupid."

"You didn't hesitate. You didn't think, you didn't even draw breath before you put yourself between me and that bullet. Your instinct, your gut reaction is to protect your people, sweetheart. That doesn't make you crazy it makes you brave…" though it pained her to say it Olivia put her own feeling aside and smiled, "….and more than that I think it probably makes you someone that a recruiter might really like to have a conversation with."

"I can't leave Texas."

"Sweetie….."

"And what about Bambi? My Mom?" shaking his head and gathering himself to his feet as Eve emerged from the centre right on queue Calvin shrugged off the conversation, "Look just forget we talked about this okay? Please?"

"Okay, okay if that's what you want."

* * *

"She deserved better than how you treated her."

"Yeah, yeah she did…." nodded Elliot slowly, more than willing to have the conversation but on an appropriate level and with a mutual respect. Taking it slowly, keeping a calm, patient tone in his voice he allowed Eve the time and space to have her say while vowing to remain in control of the situation. As they sat together on the back porch later the following afternoon the air was so thick and muggy not even the tension between them could cut it.

"She thinks you had a right to hesitate but I don't. I think that you chose Mom the moment you started the affair. You were the one that was married, not her. That was on you. I get why. I mean I think I do. I just don't think it's okay you left her alone so long. What if she hadn't had Fin?"

"I don't think it's okay either. I think that you're right. Mouse I want you to know that you get to feel confused, hurt, angry, cheated. I can take it. I'm your Dad. It's my job. I don't want you to ever feel like you don't have a voice or the right to have an opinion but you weren't there Eve. You can't possibly understand the situation that either me or your Mom were in back then and as my sixteen year old daughter your voice is different than the one my wife has. Can you understand that?"

"Yes."

"Sure?"

"I can see it from both sides. I mean I couldn't at first….."

"I know."

"I just thought about how Mom must've felt. Only I guess I didn't really think about how there were so many other people getting hurt too. I'd die if you and Mom ever split up and I guess that's how Dickie and the girls must've felt. Even Eli but he was still so little. I was just thinking about how you should be with Mom because you loved her and because you were my Dad but they were your family too. That must've been hard for you."

"It was….." she was growing up so fast it terrified him, her more than all his children previously. Even more than Sam at times, though he was the youngest.

"And I guess I've also been thinking what if Calvin was married to someone else and he got me pregnant then what would I do? Would I stand my ground? If that was me in that situation would I really tell him to go to hell or would I just love him too much? Would I rather have him anyway but gone?"

"Okay first off, just to be very clear, if you were in that situation you wouldn't need to worry about it. Hercules gets you pregnant married to someone else and its suicide by cop….." she wanted to laugh because he was so theatrical in his threat, but she couldn't because she knew he meant every word, "…. two of them."

"Dad you know what I mean!" she groaned, rolling her eyes.

"You can't choose who you fall in love with Eve….." said Elliot quietly, firmly, deeply conscious of his past misdeeds, "… but you can damn sure choose how you treat them."

"You always taught us that."

"I just haven't always followed my own advice."

"No, but…."

"Your mother is the best person I know. She is the kindest, the most generous, the most compassionate and the most unconditionally loving. When she's on your side, when she loves you? She can't see anything else. Her capacity to love is self-destructive. I won't go into the how and the why because that's not my place but she wasn't raised the way you were Mouse."

"I see the way Vivian treats Cal." She knew all too well the how and whys of Olivia's vulnerabilities.

"Yeah?" asked Elliot, so often too quick to doubt his daughter's capacity to understand the complexities of adult emotion. Knocking on seventeen's door she was so perfectly halfway between a bouncing, idealistic cheerleader and a young woman capable of her mother's strength and empathy.

"I see how kind of gets that it's not okay but he's never known any different. She keeps dragging him down and he keeps getting back up again because he just wants her to love him. It's like he figures whatever he can get from her is better than nothing at all."

"Life with an addict is unbearably cruel."

"I think that Mom understands him..." lifting eyes that mirrored her father's Eve spoke cryptically, "… I think that she _really_ understands him."

"Eve what happened between Liv and me in the past is gone; it's part of history now. It won't ever be undone, it can't ever be changed, and most days I still fall short of being the husband your mother deserves. Maybe I always will but all I can do is keep working on being better. It's all anyone can do."

"I love you Dad….." realising that if she was capable of seeing past Calvin's deeply carved flaws, if she was able to put aside his faults and weaknesses and trust his love and better angels then she was more than able to do the same for her father.

"I love you too Mouse….." drawing her into his arms Elliot held her close, kissing her hair and murmuring gruffly, "… and don't you ever doubt that."

"Dad can I ask you something? Can I ask you to do something for me?"

"Anything Evie, you know that?"

"Talk to Cal."

"I….." watching him squirm in his seat Eve smiled, knowing she had him over a barrel.

"You know the two of you have so much more in common than you even realise. He's angry and annoyingly monosyllabic and just trying to be a good guy…" finding the heart of the matter Eve ventured, "… and he really does love me: whether you believe it or not."

"I believe it Mouse….." sighed Elliot, still just about able to remember what nineteen felt like and slowly beginning to accept that his daughter's relationship was not going to burn out any time soon, "…. I believe it."

"I don't know what a carburettor is but he was really excited about getting a new one for his truck the other day. He thinks John Jackson is a dick and…."

"Language."

"You always shout at the TV when he's on! And he's been building these model airplanes and little army truck things with Sammy and he's _so _into all that stuff…."

"Weren't they building Apaches? That's a helicopter not a plane, babe….. " said Elliot, recalling the light returned in his son's eyes when he'd enthused on the subject.

"Sure, sure whatever…." she shrugged, feeling a tugging at her line and knowing he had taken the bait. She knew perfectly well that it had been helicopters the boys had been building. Calvin had talked for hours on the finer points of Black Hawks, Apaches and many other land, air and sea vehicles in the US Military fleet. She just needed an in, she needed a way to capture Elliot's interest and she had found one.

"And Evie G if you all an M1A1 a little army truck ever again we're no longer related."

"He thinks you hate him Dad."

"I don't _hate_ the kid….." mumbled Elliot, increasingly finding it hard to even dislike Calvin Arliss as a person. He was strongly averse to his little girl being a part of his troubled world, but the boy was honest, to the point, gruffly endearing and damn likable.

"You know my whole life all I've heard from you Dad is that I am smart and strong and that if I work hard and treat people right then I can do whatever I want to do and be whoever I want to be."

"It's true, babe."

"All anyone ever told him was that he was stupid and worthless and he'd never amount to anything."

"I know he's had it tough. I know he's had it really, really tough Eve but…."

"Do you have any idea what it'd mean to him if you just talked to him? If you just treated him like he was worth getting to know?" humbled beyond words Elliot remembered all the times his own father had told him he was weak and his greatest disappointment. "You know I heard Fin telling you that he didn't think you were good enough for Mom at first….."

"Fin still doesn't think I'm good enough for your Mom."

"He matters to me Dad. Cal makes me happy and I love him and it would really just mean so much to me if…" chewing on her cheek Eve braved a straightforward request, honest and vulnerable as she smiled nervously, "… if you'd just give him a chance? Please?"

"It really means that much to you?" he already knew it did, he was just buying himself a moment to think.

"Yes."

"I don't know if you remember but I cancelled a work trip after Sammy got into his accident."

"Virginia, right? You were going down for a long weekend?" recalled Eve, time having lost all meaning since the car crash. She vaguely recalled the mention of his being away and remembered thinking it would have been the perfect chance to have a girlie movie night with Olivia.

"We kept what happened at Johnny's place and the bodega hit off of Calvin's record….." puzzling Eve with his strange line of questioning Elliot narrowed his eyes and asked, "… he's not got any juvi convictions has he? Nothing on his rap sheet we missed?"

"No! No he's never done anything illegal….." and then the moment the words came out of her mouth Eve caught her father's eye and corrected herself immediately, "… well, what I mean is he's never been caught. He's never done anything really bad. I'm digging a hole here but the answer to your question is no…."

"You trust that? You trust that he's been completely honest with you about that?"

"Yeah…." nodding slowly Eve felt her stomach turn, "… why?"

"Because they're gonna want to know that information when I try get him his security clearance for Quantico and I don't want to look like an ass. That's why."

"Quantico?" gulped Eve, her eyes widening.

"You think Cal might be interested to see the inside of a Cobra?" and then not missing a beat Elliot quipped with a smirk, "That's a little run around the Corps use to get from A to B."

"They're twin engine attack helicopters."

"He really knows his stuff, huh?" mused Elliot, impressed. "And you know _just _how to play your old man Mouse….." he couldn't help but chuckle, realising she had dramatically downplayed her knowledge earlier to draw him into the conversation.

"I didn't mean to play you, at least not really….." she smiled, only slightly apologetic, "… I just wanted you to listen."

"Yeah well I'm listening, babe. I'm listening and I'm hearing you. I have to talk to your Mom and make sure we're squared away enough with your brother for me to take a two day trip. Let me draft Fin in to help her and then…."

"I can help too! I can do whatever she needs. We'll be fine, we'll be just fine."

"If and I mean _if_ it's okay with Liv and if Calvin wants to go….." drawing his mouth to an adoring smile Elliot nodded slowly, "…..then I'll take him down to Quantico with me."

"Thank you Daddy. I mean it….." draping herself around his neck Eve hugged her father tight and murmured emotionally, "… thank you so much."


	33. I Love You But I've Chosen Darkness

"I spoke to Dave West and Mike Greenwood and they're gonna take Calvin on a tour of the base while I'm with the Feds and then I'll meet them afterward."

"El you should've seen that boy's face when Evie told him about this. She was bouncing from the walls as usual but he just looked at me….." lying on their bed watching Elliot pack for his trip Olivia shook her head fondly, "… like he couldn't believe it. Like a kid on Christmas morning."

"I'm not patronizing the guy. This isn't even really about Mouse…."

"The hell it's not…" cut in Olivia with a flashing grin, "… if she'd asked you to take Cal to the moon we'd be liaising with NASA right now."

"Liv are you prepared for this going well? Have either you or Mouse really thought through what happens if Calvin likes what he sees down at Quantico? He talks to my guys and figures out that he actually profiles pretty damn well?"

"He does?" asked Olivia, trusting that he knew far more of that world than he did and touched by the sincerity in Elliot's manner as he spoke.

"A pissed off nineteen year old who's built like a freight truck?" snickered Elliot, before his face fell to a more sober clarification. "He goes back to his junkie mother time and time again because he can't let her fall. He vows to help raise his friend's kid when he has no paternal obligation. He takes a bullet for a NYPD detective who he hadn't seen since he was knee high. Are you kidding me?"

"He's loyal….." nodded Olivia, understanding what he was saying implicitly, "… he's loyal to a fault."

"Look I know I've given the guy a rough ride where dating our daughter is concerned but let's not pretend that he's just about the most resilient nineteen year old going. The kid is brave. He doesn't shout the loudest, he doesn't make a drama out of it; he just gets his head down and gets the job done. If he wants in, I reckon he's got a pretty good shot."

"You like him."

"What?" asked Elliot, folding a pair of jeans in two and settling them in his rucksack before looking up at her. Olivia just smiled. By God she was beautiful, he sighed. Then, however, because he knew just exactly what that look meant he rolled his eyes. "Oh, that."

"You're fighting it….." she observed, her smirk growing to a wide grin, "… but you can't help but fall for Calvin Arliss just exactly the same way the rest of us did."

"He's good with Sam. I'll give him that."

"He's incredible with him, babe." And Elliot had to concede that Sam's outlook had been dramatically more positive since he'd had Eve and Calvin flanking him on either side. His little support duo.

"Liv I'm taking the kid down to Quantico with me what more d'ya want?" he wasn't seriously asking, just reminding her that were matters of overt, explicit displays of emotion were concerned they were poles apart.

"Your daughter thinks the world of you for that by the way. Hey El? Come here."

"What?"

"Come here?" this time she made it less of an order, more of an offer. Moving her hands to the top button of her white linen blouse, his favourite colour on her with that summer tan, and slowly began to unbutton. "I feel like I've been neglecting you lately."

"You do?" dropping the pair of shoes in his hand like hot coals and almost leaping up onto the bed he crawled toward her, "And you're feeling bad about that?"

"A little…." she shrugged teasingly, waiting until he was straddled over her hips, his body crouched over hers looking down, "…. I do feel a little bad about it yeah."

"Like you should probably make it up to me kind of bad?"

"Yeah…." grabbing for his shirt and dragging him down on top of her she kissed him adoringly and breathed, "… yeah that kind of bad."

* * *

"I think you should take this one."

"I'm going to a fucking military base not out for cocktails."

"But it's so _cute_ on you!" grinned Eve, delighting in teasing Calvin as she helped him for his weekend with Elliot. The idea of the trip still made her quite giddy inside. She just knew it would be the making of Calvin and that it was her father taking him was just the icing on the cake. "You wanna take a sweater? It might get cold at night even in Virginia."

"You know this isn't fun for me Bambi….." came a voice from the bed as Calvin dragged the pillow out from under his head and put it over his face, "… in case you were wondering."

"We're nearly done. You're almost set. Are these the nicest shoes you have?"

"I never had much call for fancy footwear so yeah, yeah they're about as good as it gets.

"Oh man you are _really _grouchy about packing….." widening her eyes and zipping up his bag she wandered around his bed and clambered up onto it, falling down on top of him exhausted, "… okay I give in. I did what I could. I tried."

"Thanks…." he murmured, kissing at her cheek and neck and hugging her gratefully, "… for helping."

"You'll be gone for like three days all in….." lying feather light on top of him she rested her chin on his chest and looked up, "… that's long."

"Not really….""

"My Dad says they might not always let you use your cell phone on base….." blinking long lashes slowly she murmured, "… what if I can't even text you?"

"What would you text me?" he smiled lazily, sliding his hands from the small of her back down into the pockets of her jeans. "You gonna miss me then?"

"No…." she lied, then cracking a wide smile she wiggled up his body to press a lingering kiss against his lips and whisper, "….yes. Will you miss me?"

"Nope."

"Hey!" she giggled, as he lifted her effortlessly from his chest and tossed her across onto the mattress space beside him. "That's mean."

"Maybe….." he growled, stroking a hand across the toned flat of her stomach where her tank top failed to meet her jeans, "… maybe a bit."

"You will so miss me….." she whispered, grabbing a fistful of his t-shirt and using it to roll into him and crush her mouth on his hungrily, "… you'll miss this."

"I'll miss your little face…." he smiled, squashing kisses against her chin and nose and cheeks, "…. that smile and all the stupid shit that comes out of it."

"You know maybe you should just not go….." teasing her hands up inside his t-shirt she pressed close up against him and began kissing him once more, "… maybe you should just stay here, with me, forever."

"What? Like those people on those freak shows? Just live in this one room and order food in and start to smell really, really fucking bad and…."

"Cal is your Mom home?"

"No…." he replied, as she hauled herself up to a sitting position and folded her arms across her waist, grabbing at the hem of her tank and lifting it up over head, "… hey? Hey what are you doing?"

"Taking my shirt off."

"I can see that but…."

"Texas isn't back for what? Another hour or two at least?" speaking softly, suggestively, her eyes loving on him as she reached down and grabbed at his hands. "Get up…." she instructed, dragging him up off the bed and tugging his t-shirt up over his built arms.

"Evie…." he tested, walking that fine line between disinterest and ensuring that he followed her lead. She had to be in complete control.

"Do you want to?" she asked, calm, assured, her voice like silk as she stroked at his face with one hand and reached to his button fly with the other.

"Do you?" was the more important question and he posed in a way that left her without a heartbeat's hesitation that if her answer was no then nothing would change. He would love her just the same.

"Yes…." came the simple, all-encompassing answer in reply as she closed her eyes and leant in to kiss him longingly, "… yeah, yeah I do."

* * *

"Hand to hand?" asked Calvin, as four men caught their breath after a long stretch of wordless jogging. "That's hard core."

"Stabler _was _hard core, weren't you man?" came a wide grin from one of Elliot's oldest friends. "This old guy was a fucking legend in his time."

"Is that right?" came the curious smile from Calvin as he leant back in the grass and swept a tickling of hair from his face. His usually wild, unkempt mane was swept back into a ponytail he didn't care for one bit. It was all in a good cause though. He knew every move he made here would either set back or build toward his unfolding future. Do not fuck up, he repeated in a constant mental mantra.

"I wouldn't have lived to tell stories of Desert Storm if it wasn't for Elliot." But Calvin didn't ask any further questions. He sensed it wasn't his place. Whatever history the men sat with him shared it was theirs to either share or allow fall dark. "So how about you, kid? What brings you here?"

"Mr Stabler's training with the FBI."

"Mr Stabler?" smirked the second Marine officer, his interest piqued as he joined the conversation after a period of silence. "What is he dating one of your girls or something Elliot?"

"My youngest….." said Elliot with a simple nod. It heartened Calvin however to see no reluctance to share on the older man's part. He wasn't ashamed to tell his friends how they were connected.

"Not Evie, surely? Damn it if she wasn't in diapers last time you and Liv came down."

"And now she's dating Hercules here….." looking to each of his friends in turn Elliot sighed with a weary smile, "…. we're getting old, gentlemen."

"Hercules?" smirked Dave, the more instantly forthcoming of the two Marines. "What?"

"The kid's built like the Hoover Dam…." explained Elliot, though at this point he and Olivia alternating between Hercules and Tarzan when addressing or referring to Calvin was just pure affection. Their tongues may have still been firmly in cheek but there was no longer that underlying sense of anxiety. He was a gentle giant, and they were accepting of that fact now.

"How old are you, kid?"

"Nineteen, sir."

"You know when I asked you before what brought you here Elliot's training wasn't really the answer I was looking for….." locking Calvin's eyes, noting how he wasn't afraid to hold his gaze and didn't look away Dave asked directly, "… you think you could belong in the Corps, son?"

"I…." faltering momentarily Elliot prepared to weigh in, surprising himself with a desire to defend Calvin's corner. "Honestly, sir? I don't reckon I ever thought I could belong anywhere….." there was something disarmingly honest about this boy, thought Dave quietly to himself, "… but maybe, yeah. Maybe I could."

"You got family?"

"Yeah….." nodding slowly, deliberately not meeting Elliot's eyes Calvin hesitated a moment and chose his next words carefully. "My Dad took kind of a different path in life."

"As in…."

"But my Mom, she's around. She's back home. She does what she can."

"So she'd be supportive of your deciding to serve? If that's what you wanted?"

"In her own way….." this time Calvin accidently caught Elliot's gaze and it surprised him to see genuine empathy looking back, "… she'd try to be."

"We ready to hit the last 5k?" asked Mike, who had been almost entirely silent for quite some time.

"When you are…." nodded Elliot, getting up from the grass and reaching down to offer Calvin a hand up, "…. last one to the bar is buying?"

"Game on."

* * *

"Does this one make me look a hundred years old?"

"Momma you'd look incredible in a hacky sack but….." twisting her face in an attempt to be tactful that was just adorable to her mother Eve ventured artlessly, "… well, I mean it's a little President Clinton."

"Hey if Hilary can rock a pant suit then….."

"How about we try a different store?" giggled Eve, grabbing Olivia's hand and dragging her away from the clothes that were probably age appropriate but that she refused to acknowledge as thus. Her Momma was timeless. More Sophia Loren or Jackie Onassis than Hilary Clinton in her eyes and she wasn't about to let that change.

"Oh Evie, oh babe this is beautiful…" as they navigated their way through the formalwear section on the way to the door Olivia grabbed at a navy satin gown, "… prom? Maybe?"

"I'm not going to prom."

"What?" thunderstruck Olivia had to take a moment. "How'd you mean you're not going to prom? Everyone goes to prom."

"This is so weird. I really didn't have you pegged as an 'everyone goes to prom' kind of Mom."

"I mean I don't want you to turn into one of those hideous, shrieking, Styrofoam creatures we've always hated but I don't want you to miss out, babe. It's a rite of passage. Senior Prom….." tipping her head from one side to another Olivia suggested, "…. it's just a thing. You have to go."

"Mom I slept with Cal last night."

"Wow, okay….." mouthed Olivia, fighting to recover herself as she draped an arm around Eve and continued toward the exit, "…. I guess we're gonna stick a pin in the dress discussion. Park the prom debate."

"It's not a big deal."

"It's a big deal."

"Not really…." protested Eve lightly, as the two strolled through the mall and Olivia reluctantly realised she no longer walking beside a little girl but a young woman.

"Is that right?" she challenged, open and ready to listen to whatever answer came back at her.

"I mean kind of, sort of, I've been honest with you like I promised. No secrets. We haven't, you know, since we got back together. I guess that makes it a big deal in a way but it didn't feel like it…." seeing that Olivia had stepped back from the ledge and was really hearing her Eve smiled gently, "… it just felt right."

"Okay then."

"That's it? We're done?" pleasantly surprised, if a little suspicious Eve narrowed her eyes and tested, "No lectures? No Mirandizing?"

"Three questions?"

"Shoot…." came the plucky, unfazed nod from Eve as they joined the Starbucks line. She didn't care what Olivia asked her, she had nothing to hide, she had no regrets.

"Was it what you wanted? Was it your idea? Did he pressure you?" and then seeing Eve's lips twisting to a smile Olivia squinted warningly and added, "That's all one question. Don't even think about arguing."

"Yes, yes and no."

"Were you safe?"

"Yes."

"Are you happy?" came Olivia's final question, in reply to which Eve simply beamed at her. Nodding once, leaning forward and kissing her forehead Olivia sighed, "Then that's it. We're done. No lectures. No Mirandizing necessary."

"I don't want to go to prom with some random idiot from school."

"You know there was a time when we were all so sure you'd be going to your senior prom with Jason Williams."

"Yeah well things change….." and Olivia of all people was in no doubt of the fact but Eve said it anyway, "… I've changed."

"Two grande coffee fraps one with no whip for Eve and Olivia?" came a holler from behind the counter as their plastic cups were shot across the bar.

"What's with no cream?" asked Eve curiously, shelling two green straws and shoving them into each of their drinks in turn. "You never hold off on topping!"

"We're not all of us gorgeous little cheerleaders with warp speed metabolisms….." replied Olivia with a sidelong glance and fond roll of her eyes, "… I'm taking evasive action."

"Oh shut up Mom you're beautiful!" and there wasn't a hint of condescension, a trace of insincerity, it just came out of Eve as a frank statement of fact.

"Just promise me you won't close a door, baby girl? Don't take prom off the table before you even start your senior year?"

"Okay, sure, whatever…." shrugged Eve, satisfying Olivia for the moment. Then, eyes popping, she spotted a sun dress in a store window as they passed and made an alarmingly sharp right, "Ooh look! Let's go in here next!"

* * *

"How'd you handle it? That kind of loss?"

"It what you sign up for."

"Not really."

"No?" smiled Elliot curiously, as he beside Calvin with their feet dangling out the side of a AH-1 Cobra under the dull heat of a dying Virginia sunset. "How'd you figure?"

"No one would do it. No fucker's gonna sign up to go die in the desert. It sure as hell doesn't make for a catchy ad campaign."

"You might have a point there."

"Why'd _you_ do it? Why'd you enlist?" turning to Elliot with an open face and searching expression Calvin hadn't a single idea what might come in reply. "I mean you don't have to say but…."

"I think I was just running away."

"From what?" was the obvious, logical next question that Elliot knew was coming.

"You think I'm angry now? This is nothing. I just mostly remember feeling like life had me in a straightjacket. My insides were on fire. Everything burned. I just wanted to hit something, anything, all the time."

"I get that….." and slowly, gradually, the twine ball began to unravel and nodding slowly Elliot realised that Calvin did get it. He got him. They understood each other.

"Suddenly I had somewhere to put all that rage. There were people around me who could channel all that energy, all that fire and fury into something good. Instead of hurting people the people I cared about I was…."

"Bombing the shit out of the Gulf?" offered Calvin, and Elliot could only smile darkly.

"You really think your Mom would support you deciding to serve?"

"Nope."

"Only earlier you said…."

"What those guys wanted to hear….." came the quiet reply as Calvin mumbled, "… what I could without lying."

"You not even gonna give her a chance to get behind this?" cringing to hear himself saying the words Elliot always wished he had Olivia's gentle, graceful art in these situations. "She might surprise you?"

"My Mom isn't very surprising. It's pretty much the only thing you can rely on." Allowing the words to settle a moment Calvin stopped talking. Then, when he felt ready he sighed, "Besides I can't leave Texas with her. Not now she's back on the junk."

"Texas is your friend? The nurse? The one you live with?" whether it had been Eve or Olivia talking, either way he had been listening thought Calvin. "She helps you with your Mom, right?"

"Tex is good with her, real good. Better than I am most days. She's just gonna have the baby in a few months and she can't take care of both of them. I can't let that kid grow up around that shit. I can't let her grow up around Mom."

"Cal she's the parent. She is. Not you. I know that it doesn't feel that way. I know that it's never felt that way, but it's the truth. No matter how much you love your Mom you can't carry her forever. Trying to swim with her on your back the way you are….." and suddenly Elliot's chest clenched so hard he could smell Bernie's perfume in the air, "…. you'll both drown."

"She's all I got, sir."

"I…."

"I tried to walk away so many times. I really did. Only Texas, she believes in her. She believes harder than I do that one day Mom will beat this. If that's true, if there's even a chance that she can then I gotta stay. I gotta stay and help Tex help her."

"You know when Mouse talked to me about bringing you down here….."

"What?" pale green blue eyes shot up to Elliot's as Calvin puzzled curiously, "Wait it was Bambi's idea? I thought Livia….."

"Liv was all over it when she heard but no, no it was Evie who dreamt it up."

"Huh…." smiling in a way that Elliot had only ever seen him done around Eve the young man sat beside him went quiet.

"She believes in you, kid. My daughter believes that you're a good guy. She believes you have the potential to be a **great** guy." And then slapping a hand lightly against Calvin's shoulder blade Elliot gave more of himself than he ever expected to feel so compelled to and added emphatically, "And for the record Calvin: so do I."

* * *

"What am I doing here?"

"Liv….." said Fin, rushing over to Olivia as she flew through the hospital double doors with a face like thunder.

"I've left Evie halfway through a movie! We were having a girl's day. I thought I made it perfectly clear that nothing short of an apocalypse could drag me back to work before Sam was at least out of rehab?"

"Olivia I really am so sorry to have called you at home but I just knew that this was one you ought to have a heads up on before…."

"What's going on?" she asked, still clutching her cell phone as it flashed with Eve's cell number. "Talk quick."

"You might wanna take a breath…." warned Fin, catching Nick's eye uneasily.

"Fin?" she asked, seeing in her dear friend's face that whatever he was about to tell her would be devastating.

"Two hours ago paramedics got report of a heroin OD in Morisania."

"There ain't no other way to say this..." added Fin, continuing where Nick had left off, "... it's Vivian."

"Oh God..." staggering back a step Olivia's face dropped, her eyes pooling to liquid as she struggled to catch her breath.

"It gets worse. I can't believe I'm saying that but I am. There was a note, Liv..." swallowed Fin, locking her eyes and delivering the final blow, "... wasn't an accident."

"No, no, no Vivian don't do this..." covering her face, holding her breath, praying to Elliot's God she whispered a choked plea, "... don't do this to him."

"By the time we got here they'd already declared her brain dead….." explained Fin, reaching out and drawing Olivia into his chest before she fell, "…. Texas is in there with her but they're just waiting on next of kin before they can let her go."

"Next of kin….." gasped Olivia, her heart breaking in two as she pulled away and ran both hands into her hair, holding her head and closing her eyes in agony as she whispered, "…. oh _**God**_, oh _Calvin_, sweetheart..."


	34. Only One Way Up When You're At Zero

"By the time Vivian was admitted to the hospital the damage was already irreversible. The mechanical ventilation is keeping her body alive but there is no brain stem function and so…."

"So she's a vegetable?"

"Medically there is nothing more we can do to…."

"What'd you need from me?" asked Calvin. Quiet, calm, peering at the assembled group through a curtain of hair fallen about his face. "Do I need to sign something or?"

"Calvin, sweetheart….." reaching one hand to his wrist Olivia wrapped her fingers around it, stroking at his shoulder and back with her other, "….. it's okay if you need to take some time. This is such a shock. This is all so…"

"It's not a shock…." came the muttered reply as Calvin kept his eyes fixed on the ground in front of him and repeated, "… it's barely a surprise."

"I know this is a terrible difficult time for you Calvin but we have no indication of your mother's wishes with regards organ donation or…." ventured the doctor, as Elliot and Olivia looked at one another grimly.

"Take what you want….." shrugging his shoulders and breaking himself gently free from Olivia's grasp Calvin got to his feet and walked slowly to the door, "… take whatever she hasn't fucked up with the junk. She wouldn't care."

"Then when you're ready we'll inform the transplant team that…."

"I'm ready now. Let's go, let's do this…."

"Calvin…." shaking her head slowly from side to side, wordlessly fighting tears Olivia met his eyes and moved closer, "… sweetie?"

"It's okay Livia…." he reassured, his watery eyes doing anything and everything he could to ease her concern and prevent her distress, "….don't worry. Don't worry about me I'm fine."

"But I **do** worry about you….." she asserted firmly, reaching out and rising to her tiptoes to fully envelop his broad torso in loving arms.

"Son, are there any family members that you would like for us to call before we take the next steps? Anyone that might want to be here with Vivian?" as Olivia reluctantly stepped back and let him go the doctor closed the cover of his iPad and smiled empathetically. "With you?"

"No."

"I…"

"Tex is already here and other than that I don't ….." realising that with his father and cousin in Rikers and Vivian gone he was alone Calvin's eyes lowered to the floor as he added quietly, "…. I don't have any family."

"Yeah, yeah buddy….." came a voice from behind Olivia as Elliot got to his feet, squeezed at her neck and looked the devastated young boy dead in the eye, "… yeah you do."

"And, if I may, the two of you are?"

"Elliot Stabler….." extending his hand to the doctor and shaking it firmly Elliot spoke assuredly, "…. this is my wife Olivia."

"You don't have to…." mumbled Calvin.

"We're here, Cal ….." ducking slightly and catching his eyes Olivia vowed, "… and we're not going anywhere."

"I'll leave you to…."

"No, no I don't want to wait. I don't wanna leave her just….." closing his eyes and sighing Calvin laboured the final word, "… stuck."

"After you then….." nodded the doctor kindly, gesturing toward the door out of which Calvin slowly sloped.

"Elliot?" murmured Olivia, when the doctor had left them alone and followed Calvin back toward Vivian's room.

"Yeah?" he asked, startled to see tears sliding down her paled face when he looked down at her.

"Just….." closing her eyes she leant up and pressed a salty, tender, lingering kiss against his lips before holding her cheek against his and whispering hoarsely, "… I love you."

* * *

"Are you okay, sweetheart?" asked Olivia softly as Texas emerged from what had been Vivian's room a short while later. "You look exhausted. Can I get you anything?"

"No, no I'm fine…." zipping Calvin's hoodie up around her bump Texas lifted her purse up onto her shoulder and forced a smile, "… he's gonna sit in there for a while longer. I don't think he's ready to face the world again yet."

"As long as he needs." Nodded Olivia, it still having only been a short time since Vivian's final breaths.

"I'm going to go get him a coffee….." still visibly reeling herself Texas caught her breath and added, "…. a strong one."

"I can do that, I can go…."

"No, no it's fine….." insistent, convincing in her intention Texas smiled more genuinely this time, "… the walk will do me good. They came in so fast to take her away after we turned the machines off I think he just needs some time to breathe."

"How is he?" asked Olivia, her heart in her throat as she searched the young woman's face for any slight flinch of expression. "How's he bearing up?"

"The same way he always does. He's fine, he's not saying much, he's just….." shrugging lightly Texas sighed, "… he's just Calvin."

"We'll keep watch while you're gone." She didn't know this girl, she wasn't sure whether or not she trusted her yet but it didn't matter. They were both there for the same reason; they were both there for Calvin. She trusted enough to know that Texas cared profoundly for Vivian and even more so for Cal. That was enough for now.

"Thanks."

"Babe that was Fin…." said Elliot who, having stepped aside to take a call, now joined her once more outside Vivian's room, "….he just pulled into the parking lot with Mouse."

"Oh God….." rolling her eyes heavenward Olivia breathed, "… Evie."

"He's talked her through it. He's prepared her as best he can and we're right here. We're here with Calvin too, she's not gonna be on her own."

"So we're letting her get into this? It's a lot, Elliot." the question was open, worried, honest, genuinely seeking his opinion as they made the decision together. "It is dark and scary and messed up. I mean this is about as dark as it gets. Losing your mother at nineteen years old is bad enough but the drugs and the…"

"Evie knows the score. She knows Calvin and his life."

"I want to help Calvin. More than anything. I really do. I'm just scared as hell to let our daughter be how we do it."

"I am too but we're not gonna stop her wading into this. We're just not. We've been there before and the two of them are closer than ever at this point."

"So better that we wade in with her is what you're saying?" realised Olivia, nodding slowly.

"She's seen where he comes from and she's not as naïve as we try to believe she is. Mouse's had every opportunity to run but she hasn't. I think that we trust her to handle it. I think that we stick around, we stay right here with these kids, we stay close by and we try to help them figure all this shit out. What'd you say?"

"I say….." locking her jaw around the words Olivia's eyes filled, realising that Eve was not the only one to have grown since meeting Calvin and loving her husband even more for it, "…. I say I'm in, I'm with you. I agree."

* * *

"Mom! Dad!"

"Evie, baby slow down…."

"Where is he?" gasped Eve, breathless as she bounded into her parents and looked between them urgently. "Where's Cal?"

"Baby girl you're gonna kill an old man chasing off like that!" came the panting, wheezing yelp from an outrun Fin as he rounded the corridor corner and joined them a few moments later.

"Where is he Momma?" repeated Eve, and the intensity, the frantic determination in her eyes left Olivia in no doubt that if she didn't provide her with the answer she'd find it on her own.

"He's in there sweetheart. He's just taking some time to let this sink in. It's so raw and he's hurting so badly Texas just thinks he needs some time alone to….."

"Texas isn't the only one who knows him."

"Baby…." gasped Olivia, so impassioned was her daughter's quick retort.

"I'm sorry I didn't mean that…."

"It's okay."

"So I shouldn't go in there?" asked Eve, her chest still rising and falling heavily from the flat out sprint she'd made from the car. "Do you think I should tell him I'm here? I want him to know I'm here if he needs me. I just want him to know that I…."

"Bambi?" came a voice from behind the door, as it slowly peeled open and a bleak faced Calvin appeared in the dark doorway.

"Hi…." choked Eve, stunned by his dishevelled appearance and vacant expression, "… hi?"

"I heard your voice….." and it had been like a bright flare above the starless abyss of a night so dark and empty. Staring at her blue eyes, her flushed skin so alive in a world otherwise so dead he felt connected to the real once more.

"Cal I….."

"It's okay Bambi. It's okay, don't cry….." reaching out a rough hand he brushed a tear from her cheek with his thumb, stroking at her face and managing a faint smile, "… I'm alright."

"Oh my God…." whispered Olivia, hugging into Elliot's chest and speaking so only he could hear, "... it just isn't _fair_ El."

"I could sit with you a while? If you'd like? I mean I know it probably won't help but…."

"Okay….." choked Calvin, the words barely audible as Eve flung her arms around him and he hugged her clear off the floor so relieved and comforted was he by her presence, "…. thanks for coming Evie G."

"Of course…." she swallowed, her words hot whispers on his thick neck as she kissed at it and clung tightly to him, "… of _course_ I came."

"Evie are you sure that you….."

"Mom I'm sure….." as Calvin set her back down on the linoleum Eve reached for his hand, holding it fast in her own as she turned to her mother and met her worried brown eyes unblinkingly, "…. I'm fine, I'm okay. I'll be right in here?"

"And we're just outside Mouse….." said Elliot, taking Olivia's hand, "… we're just the other side of the door so…."

"Thank you…." swallowed Eve, her eyes expressing gratitude to both of her parents in turn before she quietly closed the door to Vivian's room with absolute, undoubting trust that they would still be there when she opened it again.

* * *

"It wasn't suicide."

"No?" said Eve, having to clear her throat slightly it had been so long since she'd spoken. Curled up in Calvin's lap as they sat in the corner of the room she laid against his chest and stroked at it gently, "Fin said there was a note."

"She didn't write it….." said Calvin quietly, contemplatively, finding a strange sense of peace just holding her in his arms and resting his cheek against her hair, "…Tex did."

"I don't understand…."

"I already knew before I read it. A note? That's not Mom. She didn't make a decision a day in her life. She wasn't suicidal. She wasn't anything. I don't know what the hell happened only that it happened _to _her not _because_ of her."

"It kinda sounds like life just happened to her…." observed Eve, staggering him sometimes with wisdom beyond her tender years.

"Bambi are you sure you're okay being here?"

"Yes."

"Only it's pretty fucked up sitting on the floor in the room my Mom just died in. It's not exactly dinner and a movie. I'm not a great date right now."

"Shut up."

"You're sixteen Evie this is too much…."

"I'm closer to seventeen and you're wrong. I'm fine. My Mom and Dad are here. Fin's here. You **do not** get to worry about me tonight…." she vowed, reaching a warm hand to his face and holding it steady while she kissed him lovingly, "… tonight it's my turn to look after you."

"I don't really wanna talk about it."

"So don't. We don't have to talk. We can just sit here."

"I should probably start figuring out some kind of funeral or…."

"Tomorrow…." she murmured, kissing him quiet and then tucking her head into the perfect little nook it always found underneath his chin, "… we can figure that out tomorrow."

"Bambi?" he rasped a while later, as they just held each other in the dark.

"Yeah?" stifling a yawn she blinked herself back fully away, batting her lashes and sitting up a little. "What is it?"

"Nothing, nothing I….."

"Cal?"

"You tired? You gotta be tired. You should go check in with your parents. Go tell them you're okay; get something to eat or whatever?"

"Not without you….." she replied, her blue eyes fixing his gaze through the gloom and speaking untiringly, "… I'm not leaving here till you do."

"Okay."

"Okay…." she nodded, settling herself back down and fully expecting to return to their quiet reverie. Yet it wasn't to be.

"Get up, come on, up….." instructed Calvin, nudging her up from his lap and clambering to his own two feet afterward, "… we're done sitting here."

"We are?"

"Livia will lose her shit if she has to wait much longer and I _just_ started to convince your Dad I'm not the devil….."

"Cal that doesn't matter right now, none of that matters right now!"

"You matter Evie….." he swallowed, his heart in his throat as he held her waist and stared intently down at her. He had lost most everything else. He would not lose her.

"You know my parents understand. Your Mom just died. You're upset and if you just wanna sit here in the dark then they'll be okay with that. They'll wait out there all night. They'd wait out there forever, for as long as it takes."

"I'm know they would….." nodding slowly he reached down and took her dainty little hand in his bear like paw, smiling as it fit like a key in a lock and sighing heavily, "… but we're not gonna make them."

* * *

"Calvin….."

"How you doin' Tex?" came the weary, battle worn smile from Calvin as he and Eve emerged from the private room and squinted against the stark brightness of life outside it. The unforgiving glare of the strobe lights dawned like reality, and four pairs of expectant eyes waited anxiously for them.

"Hanging in there….." she replied, handing him a paper cup of now lukewarm coffee and managing a smile, "… you?"

"You look beat….." observing how drawn and achingly tired Texas looked Calvin's brows furrowed, "…. I'm gonna take you home."

"No, no mijo you can't go back there. Not tonight anyways." Remembering the chaos the paramedics had left in their wake as they'd extracted Vivian from their house made Texas blood chill and heart sting.

"And where else do you suppose we're gonna go?" came the jaded smirk in response as Elliot, Olivia and Fin waited uneasily in the wings.

"I've been talking to your friends here, mijo…" said Texas quietly, looking to the assembled group and then fleetingly down at how tightly Calvin gripped Eve's hand in his, "… and we've decided."

"You're coming home with us tonight, buddy….." said Elliot, as tears sprang so suddenly to Eve's eyes it stole her breath away. Her hero had rediscovered his cape and her heart ached to realise it.

"And Texas here is gonna come crash with me….." said Fin, flashing a toothy smile, "… Mel's already gotten your old room all made up ready."

"Tex you sure?" tested Calvin, his unconditional loyalty palpable to all of them as he narrowed his eyes and pushed, "You'll be alright?" They had always faced these situations together, and it was strange and new for both of them to realise that this time they would not. He needed Eve and her family and Texas knew that.

"I'm sure, mijo. I'll see you tomorrow."

"Sammy reckons the one good thing about him being stuck in rehab still is that you can have his room….." managed Olivia, physically leaning on Elliot as she spoke, "… he said to tell you it's his way of helping."

"I don't know what to say….." managed Calvin, so choked the words barely managed to squeeze past the ball of overwhelming in his throat.

"You don't have to say anything, sweetie….." said Olivia, reaching for Eve's other hand and leading the pair of them out toward their waiting cars, "… you don't have to say a thing."

"You're probably not hungry but Melinda's gonna have some pasta waiting for us…." said Fin, as he and Texas brought up the rear of the departing group, "… and as a heads up, doll, just do as she says. You don't wanna argue with my lady."

"Okay."

"Hey, hey Texas?" speaking softly, moving a little closer to her so as the rest of the party couldn't hear Fin muttered, "You're doing the right thing. You're doing the best possible thing for him. I don't trust anyone else on this planet like I trust Liv."

"She'll look after him?" voice breaking Texas didn't wait for an answer. She didn't need to. She knew just exactly how Calvin felt about both Stabler women. They were how he was going to survive this. "Well good, that's good. That's the most important thing."

"You're alright, you're okay, you're gonna get through this….." and because he knew just the sacrifice Texas was making for the boy she was quite clearly still deeply in love with Fin draped an arm around her and sighed, "…. we got your six too, kid."


	35. Return To Me What Others Stole

"Cal?"

"Sorry….." came a voice from the sofa as Eve wandered bleary eyed into her living room to find him sat alone in the dark, "… did I wake you?"

"No, no I woke myself and then went to check on you and you weren't in Sammy's room."

"I couldn't sleep."

"Can I sit with you?" she asked, a little nervous of the kind of colossal grief he was suffering. Even Sam's loss, life changing as it was, couldn't compare to the darkness in Calvin's eyes. She knew that nothing she had ever felt could even come close. It made her nervous, like she might appear even more as a child than normal to him. "Do you want company?"

"Your company?" he asked, finding a smile just especially for her tilting his head, "Always."

"I'll go get my comforter."

"It's not cold Bambi….." but it didn't matter, he realised, as tottered back barefoot toting her blanket and threw it over him. Setting herself down she snuggled into his chest and nested them both under the cover, her mother's instinct to nurture and care for those she loved never stronger.

"I know it's not cold but it's nicer this way…." and it was nice, he thought, as they lay entwined together. It felt good having her close. "Hey Cal?"

"What?"

"Do you think Texas is okay?" just when he thought he knew her she found a way to surprise him. Thinking of his friend was such a giving gesture it moved him beyond words. Then, having taken a few moments to gather himself he replied.

"I text her. She's okay. I'll see her tomorrow."

"You wouldn't rather be with her tonight?" asked Eve, not out of jealousy or selfishness but because a small part of her feared he was only there because of her.

"Nope."

"But are you sure? Because you can say. I wouldn't mind. I don't mind. I know she was so close to your Mom and the two of you are like family and…."

"Evie there is no place in the world I'd rather be right now."

"No?" she swallowed, so earnest and frank was his statement she couldn't help herself but seek affirmation.

"Are these duckies?" he asked, suddenly focusing on the pattern on the comforter covering them. "Do you have yellow duckies on your bed?"

"It's really old…." she flushed, feeling suddenly such a kid. "Don't look at that. Pretend they're, like, flowers or something. Daffodils."

"You're adorable."

"I just never got around to buying a new one and I've had this since I was first born, since my Mom first brought me home from the hospital. Fin bought it for her. Well, for me. There was a matching towel set. I'm gonna shut up now."

"No, no it's just….." finding his first grin in what felt like forever Calvin snorted, "…we just can't ever have sex on this thing."

"Cal!"

"Duckies."

"I just need you to know that even though you say you're fine if you turn out not to be….." she swallowed, switching topics abruptly but feeling compelled to say that which she had wanted to the whole time, "…. I'm here."

"Tell me about something."

"Tell you about what?" she asked, sighing contentedly as she snuggled in close to him and pulled the comforter up over her chin. Lying spooned in his arms on the couch she half closed her eyes and listened for his reply.

"Anything, I dunno. Plant sex. English kings who can't keep it in their pants. Crop rotation in Asia. Any of the crazy shit you usually babble on about."

"Did you know that Ulysses Grant was pretty lousy at West Point?" reaching for something with which she knew he could identify Eve recalled some of her American History class.

"I did not know that."

"He was pretty good at math and something else I can't remember but he wasn't, like, first in his class or anything."

"Is that right?" they were both as tired as each other, dozing in the warmth and comfort of tightly cuddled bodies and murmured voices.

"He was also kind of a prude. I read that. He didn't like cussing."

"So he was fucking boring?"

"Calvin!"

"I'm teasing."

"I know." She laughed, twisting to kiss at his arm as it draped around her neck. "His wife called him Dodo."

"What?"

"Maybe I should call you Dodo….." she was drifting off now, in that somewhere silly place between awake and sleep she giggled, "… but it's kind of goofy though, not very presidential."

"You can call me whatever you like Bambi."

"I'm sleepy so if I don't answer that's why….." she mumbled, finally succumbing and closing her eyes with one final whisper on her breath, "… I love you."

"Sweet dreams Evie G….." he sighed, hugging his arms around her and resting his chin on her shoulder with a contented smile, "… sweet dreams."

* * *

"You know you don't have to fake it for me Cal."

"Huh?" asked Calvin, applying a light pressure to Sam's leg as they completed his daily physical therapy drills. "What's that?"

"I'm fifteen not an idiot. Your mom died. She OD'd and she died and that sucks. You don't have to be okay."

"Yeah, yeah I guess…" smiled Calvin with a bleak amusement at Sam's frankness, "… but I'm fine honestly."

"I'm not my sister. I'm not my mom. I'm a kid peeing in a bag because he was pretty much roadkill not so long ago. I got your number. I know what you're doing and I'm just saying I might not know what it's like to go through what you're going through….." it was as cathartic for him to admit it as it was for Calvin, and smiling faintly Sam confessed, "… but I do know what it's like to feel like you gotta be okay so you don't scare the crap out of people."

"That how you feel, little buddy?" he supposed he'd always know it to be true. There was such a quiet, stoic sadness in the youngest Stabler. It was unrealistic to imagine he was completely accepting and pragmatic of his injuries, but it staggered Calvin to realise the emotional maturity he possessed. It was heart wrenching to hear the depth of Sam's unspoken burden.

"Maybe."

"You wanna talk about it?" as Sam draped an arm around his shoulder Calvin hoisted him with relative ease up out of his chair and back into bed. As he sat him down gently and helped him move his legs back under the sheets the two boys enjoyed an easy silence for a moment while Sam considered whether or not to open up.

"I'm pissed…" and then with the kind of simple, unaffected bluntness that only a teenage boy can elicit Sam shrugged, "…. aren't you?"

"Yeah, yeah I am."

"I love Vee. I love her more than anyone in the world but it's not fair. She's always been the fastest, the smartest, and the best looking. Come September she'll walk out onto that field Friday nights with her team. She'll get to hear that crowd, see those lights; be part of it all. When she graduates she'll go off to college the way she's always wanted. I'm trying so freakin' hard not to be that guy who thinks his life is over but things are just about as bad as they can get."

"No they're not."

"That's all you got for me?" he couldn't help but laugh. Sometimes Calvin's lack of words was just comical. "I give you all that gold to work with and you give me three words back?"

"You have every right to be pissed as hell Sam."

"So do you. I mean doesn't it bother you? That your mom was the way she was? I mean how is that fair? That you got her? That out of all the moms in the world you got the one who'd rather get off her face than stick around to see you grow up?"

"It's not that simple, buddy."

"Aren't you mad at her? You got screwed over! We both did!"

"You wanna know something Sam?" scraping a chair across the floor and flopping down into it Calvin ran a hand through his hair. "You want me to tell you how I see this?"

"Sure….."

"You're never gonna walk again and that fucking sucks. It does. You're not gonna get to play football in the fall, you're not gonna get to do some of the things you planned on doing. At least not the way you planned on doing them. You know what though? Things are not as bad as they can get."

"No?"

"You could be dead."

"I…"

"I mean that car coming at you side on? You're lucky you can still move your arms. You're lucky you can still talk and you're not just lying there drooling over your shirt right now."

"If this is you trying to make me feel better then….."

"My Mom shot so much shit into her body it killed her and now I have to clean up her mess the way I always do and I can't even think about it. That's how pissed I am. I'm so fucking pissed I can barely fucking see straight."

"I'm sorry I…."

"But you know your Mom and Dad they let me crash at your place last night. Fin and Melinda? They're letting Texas stay with them. That's not nothing Sam."

"No, no I guess it isn't."

"It's not about faking it. It's not about pretending that you're okay when you're not because they know you're lying. You get to be pissed, bud. You're fifteen and crippled it fucking sucks and you get to feel that. What you don't get to do is give up."

"And your Mom died….." said Sam quietly, a little smile conveying the empathy he felt for his friend, "…don't you get to feel that too?"

"You're a kid…." came the gruff, mumbled reply as Calvin twisted a smile, "…what the hell do you know?"

* * *

"Can I smell pancakes?"

"I'm sorry I was just up anyway and so I thought…."

"Oh gosh honey don't apologise!" smiled Melinda Warner warmly as she wandered across Fin's living room and ruffled her thick mane of curls. Now flecked with grey strands they betrayed her age where her unlined, strikingly attractive face did not. There was something almost regal about her, thought Texas as she flipped the contents of her skillet. "Any house guest who provides _me_ with breakfast is a welcome one."

"There's fresh coffee in the pot."

"Darling have you done my laundry as well?" bending to investigate Melinda noticed that there were clothes tumbling around in the washer.

"I'm so sorry if that was an overstep? I just saw it there and I…."

"Texas, honey….."

"I'd normally just have a million and one things to do is all! I'd get up early and then help get Vivian dressed and ready. Make breakfast for everyone. Do chores. Take her to her meeting. Go to work. Come home, take her to another meeting and then make dinner and put her to bed again. Where's Viv? That's all I thought about all day every day. Where is she? Is she safe? Is she away from any triggers? I just don't know what to do now with all this time!"

"Okay, okay honey, come on, come sit down a minute….." walking around the countertop Melinda removed the slice from Texas' hand and grabbed at both her wrists, "… you can't be working yourself up into this state in your condition. Come sit with me."

"Your pancakes will go cold….." managed Texas weakly, as Melinda bundled her across to the sofa and insisted she take a seat.

"We'll make fresh ones….." came the swift reply from Melinda as she stroked at Texas' face and forced the young woman, for the first time in as long as she could remember, to be the one being take care of, "… or even better we'll have Fin make new ones."

"She was such a mess. Right from the very first day I met her and she was drunk out of her mind Vivian Arliss was a train wreck."

"I'll be honest and say I've heard some stories."

"She was still the closest thing I ever really had to a Mom. She might have been more of a friend most days, and not a particularly reliable one but….."

"You loved her very much….." that much was clear, and Melinda didn't underestimate for a moment the profound depths of Texas' grief as well as Calvin's.

"Nothing will ever be the same now she's gone."

"It'll get better again. It will. Right now you're grieving and it's so, so hard but…."

"It's just been the three of us for as long as I can remember."

"You and Calvin grew up together?" she already knew as much but Melinda felt it politic not to betray just how much Fin had shared with her. "You've known him for a long time?"

"Yeah."

"Texas…."

"I can't do it anymore."

"Do what, honey?" nervous, her heart rate increasing to see the sudden surrender in Texas' face. Something wasn't right. Something was very, very wrong and she felt suddenly entirely unequipped to handle the situation. "Texas did you want me to call Calvin?"

"I'm so sorry to put this on you I just know I'll go crazy if I don't tell someone. I've shoved it further and further down inside of me but it isn't going to go away. I can't lie anymore. I love him. I am _so in love _with him and I thought that if I just waited long enough this thing with Evie would burn out and in time maybe he'd forgive me and…."

"You're still in love with Calvin? Is that what you're keeping bottled up?"

"No, no that part has never really been a secret…." she laughed grimly, rolling her eyes and turning away in shame.

"What is? What would he need to forgive you for?"

"Nothing!" suddenly remembering herself, realising what she was about to do, what she stood to lose, Texas shook her head quickly and flashed a smile. Bouncing up from the sofa she breezed, "I'm sorry, I don't know what got into me. How do you take your coffee?"

"Black one sugar….." replied Melinda, narrowing her eyes and watching Texas grab mugs from the dishwasher and busy herself with doing once more.

* * *

"What kind of coffin were you thinking of?"

"I wasn't."

"We really just need something simple, right Cal?" offered Texas, leaning forward in her seat as Olivia accompanied the two teenagers to the funeral directors later that day. "Your least expensive option would be great, sir….."

"Sweetheart don't think of the money….." came the soft voice from their far left as Olivia subtly, discreetly dismissed her concern and spoke on behalf of both herself and Elliot, "… it's taken care of."

"Look we just gotta pick a box. We just need something to put what's left of her in. Ma lived in the dirt most her life she doesn't need a fucking pink satin lined ocean liner now. Just that one, that one there, that'll be just fine."

"Cal!"

"Let him go….." sighed Olivia, as Calvin stormed from the office and Texas stared dumbstruck, "… just let him go, sweetie."

"Calvin wait!"

"Texas!" called Olivia, but it was too late she was already out the door. "I'm sorry about this I…." she rushed, gathering up her purse and cardigan and continuing to apologise to the funeral director as she made her own swift exit and followed after the teenagers.

"Leave me alone, Tex!"

"Why are you being like this? Why are you shutting me out now, now when we need each other more than ever!"

"What the fuck was that note Texas?" he asked, pivoting sharply on his heel and glaring at her as they stood alone in the parking lot. The hot sun blazed down and Texas swallowed hard. What was about to happen next had been inevitable form the start. She had been a fool to hope otherwise.

"I thought I'd make it easier for you."

"To think she fucking killed herself? That's messed up. That's messed up even for you."

"She loved you so much Calvin but you would just never believe it! You would just never let her all the way in!" came the emphatic cry as months and months, years even, of dormant feelings erupted out of the cataclysmically troubled youngsters.

"And you wonder why?" Catching the door before it slammed Olivia held back. Hesitating before wading in she debated whether to intervene or to just let the scene play out.

"I wrote that note because I just wanted you to believe that she loved you because she did, she **loved **you Calvin."

"You're lying."

"What?" gasping for air, knowing that look in his eye, feeling that nauseating trepidation when it was only a matter of time before the wheels fell off and everything went to hell. "I don't know what you…."

"I know you Texas. I know you better than you know yourself. You forget that sometimes."

"No…."

"Something's been off for weeks. You haven't been able to look me in the eye since I got back with Bambi. You writing that note hasn't got a fucking thing to do with whether Ma loved me or not."

"I…."

"Is this about us? What we used to be?" he asked, and Olivia felt suddenly as though she ought not to be there. The moment was so intimate, the tension so palpable. She had always known them to have been lovers previously but she had never seen it until that moment.

"No."

"Because you know I love you. You know I'll _always _love you, Boots. Nothing will never change that. Nothing ever could. You were my first….." and rounding his shoulders, because though their relationship had been primal, carnal, heavily based on the physical it had also been so much more, "… everything."

"I just need you to know that I never meant to lie….."

"The fuck, Tex?" he just stared at her. Long and hard, like there was nothing and no one else in the world but her. The little girl whose garden he'd landed in one summer a million years ago and who'd had his heart in her pocket ever since.

"I never meant to lie. I'm so sorry. Please, please, please believe that….." covering her mouth with both hands her forehead creased and her face crumbled to tears, "… I'm so sorry, mijo."

"Why?" he asked calmly, as Olivia stared wide eyed. It was like seeing two vehicles headed toward each other at break neck speed without being able to do a damn thing to stop them colliding. "Why're you sorry Texas?"

"I just thought it would all be okay somehow. I was so scared. It all happened so fast. That night in the club and finding out I was pregnant in the hospital and then you were so good to me. You were so sweet and kind the way you always are and I just couldn't bear to ruin that. I could stand to lose the one thing I've got. You're my whole life Calvin."

"Tex I swear to God if you don't just say whatever it is you've got to say then…."

"I slept with Johnny."

"Oh God…." murmured Olivia under her breath, her stomach rolling as she watched Calvin's face twist and contort until finally the same realisation dawned for him that just had for her.

"When?" he growled, as Texas stood trembling like an animal caught in headlights with her eyes boring white hot holes in the asphalt. "Fucking look at me Tex!"

"Six months ago."

"So she's his?" said Calvin, all the life draining out of him as he pictured the baby they'd seen on her sonogram. "Your kid's Johnny's?"

"Calvin I love you, I love you and I'm sorry and please, please I am _begging _you just….."

"Leave me alone!" he yelled, throwing his arm back and ripping her hand from his wrist as she implored him to stay.

"I can explain! Please let me talk, you don't have to but let me, just let me talk please!"

"Get your hands off me!" he roared, reaching to the door of his truck as tripped on the hem of her jeans and missed a step. Falling onto a knee she felt her body flush hot and her head spin. "You hurt?" he asked, turning back and waiting for her to answer.

"No, no I'm not I'm fine…."

"Then get up."

"Cal…."

"Is that how he had you? On your knees?" clambering to her feet she just swallowed slowly and took it. Saying nothing she knew his anger, his bitterness, his wounded hurt at her betrayal was all justified. "Johnny? Seriously?"

"I know. I know and trust me you can't hate me anymore than I hate myself Cal but you have got to believe it's not that easy…."

"Evidently you are."

"I deserve that…." said Texas quietly, bile rising in her throat she burned in her own disgrace.

"I was ready to give up everything for you Tex."

"I know."

"Would you ever have told me?" he choked, shaking his hair disbelievingly.

"I don't know I wasn't thinking straight I was just….."

"I never judged you Texas. Not once. The coke head, the thief, the cheat. I loved you all the same. Every fucking part of you good and bad and you were part of me. We were both bad blood and we understood each other. Well I don't understand this and you're no part of me anymore."

"Calvin…."

"I can take this kind of crap from everyone else but not you. **Anyone** but you. You're a lying whore Texas….." clambering up into his truck Calvin slammed the door, hard, and spat, "… and we're fucking done."

"CALVIN!"

"Sweetheart!" rushing down the funeral director steps Olivia ran across the parking lot and looked to a tear stricken Texas desperately.

"Go! Go after him Olivia! Don't leave him on his own! Don't let him be alone right now!"

"You got your cell? Then you call Fin okay? I'm gonna go after him but you call Fin and you have him come get you?"

"Okay, okay I will just go, please! Go!"

* * *

"That boy is wound up tighter than drum and I'm scared to death Elliot."

"I thought this Texas was a good kid? Fin seems to think so and he's just about the best judge of character I know." There were many points on which he and Detective Tutuola disagreed but the latter's integrity was never one of them. Fin was one of the kindest, most truly noble people he had ever met and when he put his trust in someone it was usually deserved.

"There's _got _to be more to it. There just has to be. We all saw what Johnny Arliss was capable of. Texas is an old soul, she's street smart and shrewd but she's still a kid underneath all that. She's still just a lonely, frightened kid and I'm not about to hang her for this before we hear her side."

"I don't think any of us want to believe the worst in her. It doesn't make it any easier for Calvin. That boy's been through hell and back already and now this?" marvelled Elliot disbelievingly, taking a sip of his beer as he and Olivia sat together on the porch step and attempted to take the edge off the day.

"You should've seen her face in that parking lot babe. I mean Cal was brutal to her, he really was. He was angry and hurt and he spoke to her in a way he should **not** have but you know something I don't think it was any worse than what she was thinking of herself. It was like watching someone kick a lame puppy Elliot I swear to God."

"So what's our timeline here? Where'd it all start?"

"We're not working a case. These kids aren't suspects."

"She's six months along, right?"

"She slept with him before he raped that girl if that's what you're asking….." said Olivia with a grim quiet as she took a long swallow of her own beer.

"When we're saying she slept with him….." narrowing her eyes, saying only that which Olivia had already thought herself in the painfully silent ride home with Calvin he asked, ".. do we know it was consensual?"

"Nope."

"Where's your gut?" he asked, because it was always the best possible place to start.

"Honestly?" sighing wearily she shook her head, "On this one I have no idea. I mean Texas is no angel. She's got a complicated history with men and with Calvin's family…."

"Liv can I ask you something? Straight up?"

"Always?" she replied immediately, her eyes searching his face with concern. "El what is it?"

"Are we doing the right thing by our family getting so caught in this? I mean we're in it now. We're helping Calvin bury Vivian. We've got Texas staying at Fin's place. Evie is getting more tangled up with that boy every day and Sam thinks the world of him but I dunno…."

"I hear you….." she nodded slowly, reaching for his hand and holding it gently, "… I do."

"I think we gotta watch this one like a hawk, babe. I think on his best days Calvin is a great influence on Sam's recovery and I'm not denying he makes Evie happy but…."

"We haven't seen him on his worst?" offered Olivia, not naïve of how easily she allowed herself to wear blinkers were Calvin was concerned. "I know."

"Don't get me wrong the kid was awesome at Quantico. The guys loved him. I don't doubt that if he wanted to nail his ASVAB and enlist he'd be a marine they'd be proud to serve with."

"But is that the way this is gonna go?" was the question that hung over all of them like a dark, looming shadow. "Is this gonna be how he gets his life together at last or is it gonna be how it finally falls apart completely."

"It's a lot, Liv. Is it too much? The kid is nineteen years old and he's got nothing and no one. His father's in jail for murder. His mother was never much of a mom but she's dead now anyway. His cousin's a rapist and now he finds out he's also the father of Texas' kid. I'm just looking at this with my cop head on and I don't like what I see."

"Me neither."

"Are we a pair of idiots letting our little girl be the one thing holding that boy together?" asked Elliot, turning his body to her and finding her eyes. "Are we those idiot parents we used to want to shake? Are we fools to think a sixteen and a half year old kid can handle being the one good thing in Calvin Arliss' life?"

"I don't know, babe."

"What'd you wanna do?" he asked, stroking a strand of hair from her face and tucking it behind her ear. "You know our girl. You know what she's capable of. You know her limits. You know her better than anyone. Can she do this? Do we _let_ her do this?"

"I vote we trust her. I vote we trust her to know that we're here, that we're in this with her and that if she feels out of her depth she'll come to us. A year from now she's gonna be going off to college, probably in another state and we can't hold her hand forever. She's gonna be making all kinds of grown up decisions and mistakes and we're not going to be able to do a damn thing about it."

"That's a whole year away and don't you even try and pretend you're ready for that. I know I'm sure as hell not."

"Gosh you know some days I just wish I could have them back as babies again. When I had one on each hip and if anyone so much as looked twice I was ready to run like hell with them both."

"I vote we put her in the Catholic school my Mom went to. Long skirts, early curfew, all girls: all God, all the time."

"That sounds like perfect hell."

"Man I'd kill to have seen Olivia Benson at sixteen and a half….." he grinned, leaning over and kissing her softly, "… I'd love to have known you back then."

"No, no you wouldn't of…." feeling her lips smile against his Elliot pulled away and narrowed his eyes with an impish smirk.

"Is that right?"

"You think Evie's a handful? You think she knows how to get herself into trouble?" he had often wondered whether a combination of Serena's demons and Olivia's stunning looks and fierce spirit had been fireworks in her teens but this was confirmation as such. "You got it easy, mister."

"Mouse? Easy?"

"I can't sit in judgement of her I just can't. I agreed to marry a twenty one year old man when I was younger than she is just to get away from my mother."

"Is that supposed to make me feel better?" he asked.

"She loves that boy. She loves him in that teenage girl, butterflies in her stomach, texting total nonsense, just wants her Daddy to like him kind of way you're supposed to when you're her age. She's not running away from her life the way I was."

"Because she's got a good life, right? I mean I think we did okay. She's great in school, she's got friends, she's close with Sammy and she talks to you like my other girls never talked to Kath."

"She hasn't lied to me _once _about him El. Not once. Not even when she knew I wouldn't like what she had to tell me. She's young and she's not perfect but she's smart and she knows the difference between pushing boundaries and crossing them."

"Then trusting her gets my vote too."

"You know you keep pretty quiet about your teens. Post-carrot and pre-Maureen I bet you were no picnic either."

"I can't imagine what you mean….." he grinned, sliding his arm around her waist and hugging her in close for a kiss, "…. I was a regular little choir boy."

"You know I can't help but….." her voice broke slightly and she lowered her eyes, blinking quickly and hating how her own emotions had caught her off guard. "I didn't marry him but I'd have married you."

"What?" mouthed Elliot, blown away by the starling beauty and raw vulnerability of her statement as deep brown eyes lifted to look at him unflinchingly.

"I had nothing and no one either. My father was a rapist and my mother was a drunk. You talk about wanting to meet me at sixteen but I gotta tell you I was a mess. Maybe more so than Cal in a lot of ways. I was angry and lonely and my heart was just so _broken_ and I just see the way Calvin lights up around Evie and I **can't** take that away from him. I can't take _her_ away from him. Not when I know she feels the same way he does. Her love for him is as real to her right now as mine is for you."

"You think if we'd met each other at that age we'd have wound up together? You reckon we'd have lasted? You've got decades on her, Liv. We're not in high school. There's a difference."

"Not to her there isn't. Not right now when all she can see and think and feel is him. She's still talking about college, she's still talking about Europe and she hasn't given up on all the things we've always planned for her future but…."

"But?"

"Elliot I can't say for sure whether if we'd met at their age we'd have ended up married now or not, but I do think that there's a good chance we'd have found our way back to each other eventually. The same way I think that we need to prepare ourselves for Evie wanting Calvin to be part of her future plans too."

"Wow…."

"Maybe they'll break up when she goes off to college, maybe he'll join the military, maybe she'll meet some Parisian architect and we'll retire to France someday but maybe….."

"Maybe she'll marry Hercules? Is that what you're trying telling me?" asked Elliot with the pained expression of a father not even willing to contemplate the thought yet.

"I'm just saying it's a possibility. I'm just saying if Evie came to me twenty years from now and said hey Mom I've fallen in love with this angry, pig headed cop who's been married twenty years and has five kids I'd tell her she'd lost her pretty little mind. I'd tell her she was insane, that it was a horrible idea. I'd tell her there was no way in hell he'd **ever** make her happy….."

"Point well made….." sighed Elliot, rubbing at his throbbing temple and smiling acceptingly, "… point well made, Captain."

* * *

"Hey, hey Cal, wake up it's me….." tapping lightly on the backseat window of Calvin's truck as it sat parked in the driveway Eve whispered quietly, "… it's Evie. Open up?"

"Huh?"

"Baby it's me and it's raining please let me in?" as he lifted the door lock she opened the door, rain trickling down her face and her hair dripping as her white cotton night dress clung wet to her body. "Let me in."

"What are you doing out here?" he asked, scooting over as she grabbed at his arm and used it as leverage to climb barefoot up into the seat beside him. "What're you doing Bambi?"

"I know you don't want to talk. I know that. I know your Mom is dead and Texas' baby is Johnny's and you're pissed and you're hurting but I can't just lie awake in there worrying about you."

"You gotta go back to bed Evie. You have to go back inside and…"

"No I don't…." she countered unwaveringly, her blue eyes shooting up to his through the darkness, "… I don't and I won't."

"Fine."

"Let's go for a drive?" she asked softly, kissing his jaw and stroking his cheek lovingly. "Just you and me?"

"Where'd you wanna go?"

"I don't know. Anywhere. Wherever. Let's just drive….." some of the best moments of her life, the simplest, the most electric had been driving nowhere in particular with him in this truck. It had always helped her make sense of the world, or it at least made the confusion more bearable.

"I don't remember being here before…" noted Calvin, a while later as they hit open road and he realised he no longer recognised landmarks.

"Faster…." came the coaxing voice from the passenger seat as Eve sat with her bare feet kicked up on the dashboard, her hand stroking dozily at his thigh, "… floor it. There's no one around."

"Okay who are you and what've you done with Evie G?" he chuckled, accelerating slightly and feeling a strange release as a result. She knew him. Better than he cared to admit. "Better?"

"Faster….."

"You hate driving fast….." shaking his head he kept his eyes fixed firmly on the road despite the considerable distraction riding shotgun in her wet slip, "… it scares you."

"There's no one for miles around….." she noted with a cool calm as she craned her neck to note the long stretch of freeway was deserted, "… floor it"

"Evie…."

"Don't think about it….." turning her head to his, messing her hair against the seat her eyes were wide and trusting, "… just fly."

"Are you high?"

"Shut up!"

"Seriously?"

"I trust you….." she smiled, giving a little nod, "… do it"

"Like this?" he asked, working through the gears as the truck picked up speed and she closed her eyes. "You can't close your eyes Bambi! You wanna fly you gotta open them, you gotta open your eyes!"

"They're open!" she screamed, drawing her knees into her chest and flinging back her lashes like theatre curtains as the truck felt to almost take off into the horizon and Calvin yelled his lungs out right along with her. "They're open baby! We're flying!"

"We're fucking flying!" he yelled, again, throwing his head back against the rest and holding the wheel tightly in his grip. Then gradually he took his foot off the gas, allowed the speed to drop, and worked back through the gears. Rolling the truck into a layby he drank in the silence. It soaked through him the way the rain had Eve's nightgown. It broke him.

"Cal?" she whispered, the moonlight catching his tan skin as she peeled his white knuckles from the wheel and dropped his hands to his side. "Baby it's okay, it's okay….." she soothed, his strong resolve shattered like glass on concrete, "… you don't have to fight, you don't have to hold it in for me."

"I'm fine."

"I know, I know you are…." she whispered, rolling her eyes and stroking at his arm and thigh, "…. I know."

"I'm fucking fine… I'm fine…. I'm…" falling forward against the wheel, his whole body wrecking and contorting Calvin's face crumbled in anguish and throwing the truck into park he turned away from her and gasped, "… don't Bambi, don't….."

"Calvin look at me? Look at me….." fighting his resistance she reached to his face, holding his jaw in her fingertips.

"I can't….." he rasped, his voice at a pinched choke as the vice lock around his chest refused to buckle.

"I love you…" she breathed, crawling up onto her knees and falling on him, crushing her body against his chest and kissing him lovingly, "… I want to help."

"Evie…."

"Come here?" murmuring hotly, kissing at his face she clambered into the backseat and encouraged him to follow her. As he fell down beside her she blinked slowly, unbuttoning his shirt and stroking at his bare chest without once taking her eyes from his, "I can't bring your Mom back. I can't change what Texas did. I know you always tell me sex isn't a band aid but love is. I can love you….." it was what she could do, she could hold him, touch him, keep him close and show him all the ways she cared, "… let me love you?"

"I love you Evie…." burying his face in her neck she could feel his warm tears against her skin as he kissed her shoulder blade and mumbled, "… I need you."

"You got me….." she sighed devotedly, inhaling slowly and kissing at his hair and face until his lips found hers, "… you got me, baby. I'm right here. I'm here."

"I…." she could see how hard he was trying to talk, to speak, to free himself but he couldn't. He just stared at her, helpless, lost blue green eyes searching her face and pouring with hurt and confusion and betrayal and years and years of layered pain he couldn't express in words.

"We don't need to talk, it's okay, you don't have to talk…." her voice was like angel breath; it took the sting from his throat and the burning from his chest. As she removed her nightgown and held him tightly he could feel her heart beating against his chest and her skin was warm on his. It felt like home.

"Yeah?" he croaked, sliding his hands up her body and lifting her up onto his lap. He didn't know how he would bear her saying no. He need her closeness, he needed that intimacy, that tenderness and unconditional love she gave. She didn't hesitate, she didn't miss a beat before replying.

"Yeah….." she whispered, kissing his salty lips and helping him out of his jeans.


	36. Your Scars They Are My Scars

"Oh my God what time is it? I fell asleep….." lurching forward and fishing around in the foot well for her phone with Calvin's arms still hugged around her waist Eve panicked, "… hey! hey Cal wake up we have to go home!"

"What?" it was the first three hours of interrupted sleep he had had in days and waking up to her he felt almost human again. "Where's the fire Bambi?"

"It's gone five and my Mom gets up at stupid o'clock on a morning is where the fire is….." sitting bolt upright beside him she switched on the maps function on her cell and squinted down at the screen in the dim light of nearly dawn, "… where even are we?"

"Heaven….." murmuring under his breath Calvin stroked long waves of hair down her bare back and lay across the backseat half asleep, his tall legs resting up against the window. "Come back here….." he smiled, pulling her back down and folding her into his bear like frame, "…. come snuggle."

"You don't want to_ snuggle_ Romeo…." she replied, as he kissed at her shoulder blades and ran broad hands across her stomach. He could tell from its concavity that she was holding her breath. She wanted him too.

"You know getting to wake up with you is not the worst thing in the world Evie G."

"I can tell, I'm getting that message….." she giggled, feeling more than his chest pressing against her as she twisted around and kissing him lovingly before whispering teasingly, "…. but you gotta take me home now."

"Sure, sure you get dressed and give me a minute….." lying back and closing his eyes Eve sat herself up right and reached for her now dried nightgown.

"What? Just like that?" she asked, a little surprised that he wasn't more persistent in his desire. "No argument?"

"I'm not gonna let Livia wake up and find you gone. It'll scare the crap out of her."

"Okay…." of course he wasn't, she smiled, turning to look down at him and handing him his jeans.

"I know where we are, don't worry. I can get you home in a half hour. They'll never know you left."

"I'm not worried…." she smiled, leaning down to kiss him gently. She felt safe with him. No matter where they were, lost or found, she knew he'd look after her.

* * *

"We gather here this afternoon to celebrate Vivian Arliss. Standing alongside her family we remember her life and to give thanks for the short time she had here with us on earth."

"This is bullshit."

"Calvin!" hissed Texas, turning to him in her black sundress and shooting him a horrified look.

"Well isn't it?" he asked, and she couldn't think of how to reply. As she stood on his left side Eve remained unfailingly at his right hand. Behind them Elliot, Olivia, Fin and Melinda shared uneasy glances and the celebrant watched them all as if debating whether or not to attempt to continue.

"Do you need a minute young man?"

"I just can't stand to be a fucking hypocrite."

"Cal, sweetheart…." ventured Olivia, stepping forward and touching lightly at his shoulder through the black collared shirt he wore untucked over stonewash jeans. His attempt to compromise. A part of his desperate efforts to reconcile himself to this strange reality.

"I can't just stand here and listen to him talk a load of crap….." and then, looking up with deference at the minister he added sheepishly, "… no offence, sir."

"Non taken."

"Viv Arliss doesn't need to be celebrated. She didn't do anything. She never had a proper job. She was a lesbian for five minutes until she got her girlfriend killed by her ex, who, by the way, happens to be my father. She spent every cent we ever had on junk and she lied. She lied and lied and lied until I'm pretty sure she had no fucking clue what was true and what wasn't anymore. She lived in a fantasy. She lived in a nightmare. It won't take us very long to remember her life and we'll all need to take a fucking shot afterwards."

"Son not now, not here….." said Fin, attempting to put the pin back in the grenade. He knew all the colours of anger and regret and how easily one led to the other on days like this.

"And I'm not fucking surprised she's dead either. She's been killing herself for years." Eve looked to her mother and father, but their eyes were on Calvin as he detonated. The sad, unalienable truth came in his next statement, "It was only a matter of time!"

"Okay, okay buddy let's just step off. Let's just take a walk and….."

"I can't feel what I'm supposed to feel! I can't!" as Elliot grabbed at him and attempted to physically walk him away from the graveside Calvin grabbed back. His strong grip wrapping around Elliot's upper arms: clinging. Holding strength where he no longer felt to have any. "She's my mother. She's my fucking mother and she's dead and I know that I'm supposed to feel all this shit about that but all I can feel is relieved!"

"Mom do something….." said Eve quietly, reaching for her mother's hand and tugging at it, "… we have to help him?"

"Calvin I know what that feels like."

"I hate myself for it, sir! It's sick. What kind of person feels that way? What kind of sick fucker is _relieved_ that his Mom's dead."

"It's not sick Calvin its human. It's human. It's okay. You've fought for her your whole life. You've struggled trying to help her for years. It's not relief that she's dead you're feeling…." suddenly it felt to Calvin as though he and Elliot were the only two there, and hot, angry tears began to fall as it became very clear that he was understood in a way he had never hoped to be, "… it's relief that the battle's done. You can stop fighting now."

"She would **never** have stayed clean. I never told her. I lived the lie. I played along but it was horse shit. It was _always _going to end like this."

"There was nothing more you could've done. You did everything."

"No, no I…."

"Calvin look at me, listen to me….." as Olivia held Fin and Eve at bay she watched her husband awestruck as Elliot looked the devastated young boy square in the eye and spoke firmly, "… hear me, okay?"

"Sir."

"This is **not** your fault. Your mother was an addict before you were born. Her choices, her actions, her weaknesses and her demons were hers and hers alone. She loved you as best she could. It wasn't good enough but it was all she had. You gotta let it go. The fight is over. Leave it on the field. If you don't it'll eat you alive."

"I….." as Calvin lost speech Elliot stepped forward, stepped up, drawing him into his chest and embracing him in a choke hold hug as the teenager lost his grip. Burying her face in the older man's suit he broke down.

"I got you, kid. I got you. You're alright, you're okay…" feeling Olivia's hand at the small of his back as she stood behind them, clutching Eve tight he affirmed, "…we're all here Cal. We got you."

* * *

"You know I remember the first time I met Vivian sober."

"Not now Texas."

"Calvin I know I messed up."

"Messed up?" he asked, incredulous. Sat on a rock in a deserted portion of the cemetery lot Calvin rested his elbows on his knees and hunched forward. "Tex I don't wanna overstate things here but…."

"Because you're really known for your tendency to overplay a situation?" she smiled knowingly. "You're notoriously effusive?"

"You know I think I could probably get squared away with you screwing Johnny. I might not like the idea of it being his kid but in a sick way it makes her more like family than before."

"Cal…."

"But you fucking lied to me, Tex."

"I know."

"You had a million chances to tell me it was his but you didn't. You let me think it was just some faceless, nameless son of bitch. You let me agree to raise the thing."

"I was lonely, mijo."

"Seriously?" staggered, lost for words, unable to believe that that was all she had to say for herself Calvin just stared at her. "That's all you got? You were fucking lonely? Buy a damn dog Texas. Don't screw my cousin."

"You were gone! And I don't want to fight with you. I don't blame you. I just need you to try and understand where I was at the time and how…."

"Johnny's bed. That's where you were. Or the tub….." he wanted to hurt her, not badly, just a sting, just a flesh wound, just enough to make himself feel better, "… you used to really get your rocks off in the shower."

"It was just me and her Calvin. Day after day, night after night. I know you had to leave. I know you got all tangled up in Johnny's web and going to live with him was this big new life you were gonna have but what about me? You left me behind! It's not an excuse. It's no excuse. It doesn't change what I did or make it any less hurtful but I just want you to know that I was hurting too."

"Tex…."

"I hurt too, mijo."

"I know….." he nodded slowly, not oblivious to her pain. "I know you got stuff. I know you got shit going on."

"I'm in love with you Calvin."

"What?" he knew that too. He was aware. He was painfully so. It just felt all the more devastating to him when she sat there so beautiful, so vulnerable, her dark eyes longing.

"I know it was mostly just sex. I know that we were young and stupid. There was a lot of beer and a lot of pot and we spent more time in bed than we did in conversation. I'm not saying that we were good for each other. I'm not saying that we would've lasted. I'm a mess and that's not what you need in your life. I understand that. I accept it."

"You were a hot mess when I met you. You've always been a hot mess. That doesn't bother me. I never saw it. I just saw you."

"And I **loved** you for that Cal. Don't you see? You had my heart, my whole heart. You still do. I tried to swallow it. I tried to fake a smile when you met that pretty little cheerleader but it killed me. Seeing you with her, seeing how happy she makes you, seeing how alive you are around her is **killing** me. So one night I row with your Mom, get drunk out of my mind and then Johnny comes over looking for you and it was a mistake! I didn't plan it. I was just an accident and…."

"And accident?" he snapped hotly, "Did you slip?"

"He was nice to me."

"And that's all it takes? Someone's nice to you and you let them in….." widening his eyes and pronouncing the word exaggeratedly Calvin looked at her through shaggy bangs, "… literally?"

"Yes."

"Texas…."

"I'm not proud of it. I'm so ashamed of who I am most days I wish I could crawl out of my own skin. When I heard what he did to that girl I got physically sick."

"Don't be ashamed of who you are."

"If I wasn't pregnant by a rapist I'd probably have an easier time hearing that."

"The only people who know it's his aren't gonna tell. Elliot, Livia, Evie, Fin. They're on your side."

"They're on _your_ side."

"Same thing."

"Yeah?" she swallowed, having wondered for a while whether they would ever be on the same side again.

"He doesn't get to know. She's your baby. She's your daughter not his and anyone who says or acts otherwise….." that darkness, that swirling black that came over his eyes both terrified and appeased her with equal measure, "… they can talk to me."

"I am so sorry Calvin. I am so truly sorry. I don't know what I was thinking. I wasn't thinking. I never meant to lie I was just afraid. I was terrified of losing you. I wouldn't know how to live if I lost you."

"You won't lose me. You're not gonna lose me…." he sighed, reaching across and slapping his hand down on her thigh, squeezing it gently, "… you're not gonna lose me you idiot."

"I couldn't bear it."

"Texas I was an ass to you the other day."

"I deserved it."

"No, no you didn't. I'm pissed as hell at you. We're not done with this. I don't trust you. It's gonna get time to get that back. We can't just pick up where we were. I can't just flick a switch."

"I get that."

"But that does not give me the right to talk to you like those pieces of shit guys you let treat you like you're nothing. You deserve better. From them and sure as hell from me. I apologise." Sitting quiet for a moment Calvin stared into the distance. She let the silence cling, let it heal. "You think she thought about us at all?"

"Probably not…." honesty was always all they'd had. No matter how sad and desperate their lives had become they'd managed to be brutally truthful about it. It was what made her betrayal all the more devastating. It was what, she accepted, was going to take an indefinite amount of time to get past. "Cal I honestly don't think that she thought at all. Your Mom was a lot of things but one of life's thinkers wasn't one of them. When she was clucking it wasn't her head that drove her it was the addiction. She just needed one more hit, just one more, just one last hit and then she'd kick for good."

"One last hit is right."

"Cal it was so awful. I came home and I just knew; even though everything was normal. There was fresh coffee brewed, the house smelled like cinnamon, the radio was playing an old Cash song. Even before I opened the bathroom door though I knew and I don't know how I knew but I did."

"I know how you knew….." said Calvin, his voice a gruff croak as he smiled, "…. it's 'cos you and me? We've been waiting for this since our whole lives, Boots."

"Calvin…"

"I hate her for that Tex. I fucking hate her for it. I hate that this was just how it was always going to be. That since I was four years old and I first found her passed out wasted on the couch I've known it was only a matter of time. That one day she wouldn't wake up no matter how hard I shook her. I think I realise now that I've been waiting my whole life to come home one day and find my Mom dead."

"Cal I know you're mad at me. I know that you're not ready to forgive me and that's okay. I understand that. I don't want or expect any different. I understand that it's going to take time to fix this but you are my best friend. You're my family and I love you…" tossing her purse down into the dirt Texas tore over the boundary line, turned away from her betrayal and his anger and put her arms around him, "… and if you'll let me be: I'm here."

"I love you too….." hugging her lightly he then pulled away, getting to his feet and shaking his head sadly, "… but I just can't. Not yet."

"Okay."

"I'll see you around Tex."

"You know where I am…." she nodded, holding herself just long enough for him to turn and walk away. Then, in quiet solitude, she sobbed. Not out of shame or guilt, though both of those burned unbearably. She wept for Vivian. For the fragile, complicated woman who had been swallowed whole by an addiction she had just not been strong enough to fight. A broken soul who had been the closest she had ever come to a mother. Her tears were grief, her heart was shattered and looking around the deserted cemetery she realised she was, once more, completely alone.

* * *

"He still hasn't text back. He won't return my calls."

"Give him time, babe….." said Olivia quietly, as she sat with her feet in Elliot's lap leafing through a home and garden magazine.

"I don't even know where he is. I know he's drunk though I could tell that earlier. He's probably in some bar somewhere."

"Mouse this is the first and last time that I'm going to say this and if you quote me I'll deny it….." said Elliot as Olivia beckoned their daughter over to join them, "… but what if we turn a blind eye just this once? What if we say that this is the one night Calvin gets to have a few beers?"

"Do you think he's okay?"

"Baby I don't think Cal is going to be completely okay for a while….." answered Olivia honestly, sitting upright and then bringing Eve down into her lap, "… here, come here, come sit with your Momma."

"He just needs some time Mouse. Just give him some time and some space and he'll figure it all out. He's made of wrought iron that kid. He'll come through this."

"I'm sorry."

"Sorry? For what, baby?" asked Olivia, cradling Eve and rocking her gently back and forth, "What in the world could you possibly have to be sorry for, sweet girl?"

"I just feel like I never say thank you to either of you, for any of it. I've just been thinking about it all day. I've been such a brat."

"Oh Evie…."

"It's not just the big stuff. Not just the birthdays and vacations that were so awesome but the stupid little things. The way you just always showed up. Every single time. Even if we just helped paint the scenery. Even when I broke my arm and I wasn't even cheering you both came to regionals because it was still my team. Dad you never missed one single football game even if Sammy wasn't playing. Mom you make really awesome lasagne."

"Mouse we're your parents. Showing up? Making lasagne? That's what we do."

"And you're the best parents in the whole world…" reaching for Elliot's hand she gripped it tightly in her own and buried her face in Olivia's chest, "… and I love you more than anything."

"Sweetie these past few weeks have been so hard on you. Seeing what Calvin is going through? Helping him deal with all the stuff that's been going on? It's all been really grown up and intense and…."

"But I can come home."

"I…."

"If I screw up or make a mess of things or I'm upset or scared and everything is just as bad as it can get I just always know I can come home and you guys will help me fix it. He doesn't have that. He doesn't have anyone. I can't even imagine what that's like."

"And I'm glad you can't Evie….." said Elliot, clearly his throat as his voice threatened to break and looking his daughter in the eye, "… because it means your Mom and I are doing our job right."

* * *

"What the hell happened to you?"

"Beer."

"Have you been sat out here all night?" asked Olivia in the early sun of the following morning. Removing her sun glasses and wandering across the parking lot in blue jeans and a white linen long sleeved shirt she asked, "Why didn't you call me hours ago?"

"Didn't wanna wake you."

"Am I going to catch something if I sit on this step?" asked Olivia, narrowing her eyes and examining the concrete beside Calvin. She was getting old she thought to herself; such a thought wouldn't have crossed her mind twenty years ago. Slumped against the trader's door of a decidedly seedy looking nightclub somewhere in the ass end of Queens the teenager looked like what she knew rock bottom to feel like. "Do we think you've broken anything?"

"No…." came the gruff reply as Calvin adjusted his sitting position, wincing and clutching at his ribs as he did so. His face was wan, a little yellowed, and around right eye was a nasty looking purple bruising. His shirt was torn. His left cheek and right hand were dirty and grazed with pieces of gravel lodged in them.

"Would you be able to tell yet even if you had?" calm, quiet, poised despite her internal horror at the situation Olivia was a consummate professional. Though he had called a friend she was more than capable of being a cop in attendance. Had it been Sam or Evie she would've required peeling from the ceiling but with Calvin it was different. His resilience was dumfounding. Her approach was different. She could level with him and trust he could handle it. "Cal don't BS me: just beer? Hand on heart?"

"Whiskey."

"But…."

"I buried my mom yesterday do you really think I'm dumb enough to do drugs?" and then, with that heart break smile Calvin rolled his eyes with a choked snort. "Don't answer that."

"You want to tell me what happened here last night?"

"I got wasted."

"Evidently."

"I don't remember much else….." tilting her head with concern Olivia drew her lips to a lopsided smile of profound fondness as he made her laugh despite his tragic situation, "…. but I seem to have gotten my ass kicked."

"I can see that."

"I did what I could but I'm pretty sure there were at least three of them. I must've done something to piss them off."

"Three on one? And at no point did you think that it might be an opportune moment to call any one of the three cops you happen to have on speed dial? No? That one didn't register?"

"It was the middle of the night."

"Calvin, sweetheart, what you seem to be failing to grasp here is that I really don't give a crap what time it was. You call? I show up. Well I mean I might've sent Elliot but….." leaning sideways she bumped her shoulder against his and sighed, "… but my point is that you don't have to wait till I've had my morning coffee to call in a crisis."

"I would've driven myself but…."

"Your breath is still 80 proof?" she offered, arching a brow. "Yeah, yeah you shouldn't go near any naked flames for a while."

"I didn't know where to go."

"Sweetheart?" she asked, seeing all the humour, all the bleak wit and pretence fall away as he hid tears behind curtains of unkempt hair.

"It's just all shit, Livia."

"I know, I know it is…." she nodded slowly, reaching to his forearm and stroking at it gently with her fingertips.

"Texas lied to me. I trusted her. I trusted her when I knew better than to trust anyone. I can't stand that her baby's Johnny's. I'm trying to be okay with it. I'm trying so hard for her I am but I can't fucking stand it."

"Calvin you and I both know, maybe better than anyone, that we are **not** our parents. How we're conceived doesn't determine who we are. That's up to us."

"I really want to hate her."

"Texas?" but they weren't just talking about her. Vivian was there too, behind his bloodshot eyes of bitter betrayal. All the women in his life who had failed him. She wished so desperately she didn't consider herself one of them.

"She was still my mom."

"And she loved you, sweetheart. She loved you very, very much. She might not have known how to show it. I know it's hard. I know how thin the line is between love and hate. Nothing anyone can say will take that feeling you have right now away. All that hurt, betrayal, frustration, disappointment that she wasn't even close to being all the things you needed her to be. You feel guilty because you know on her good days she tried her best. That doesn't make it enough. That doesn't mean you have to pretend that it was enough. I know you feel like somehow it's all your fault. Like if you'd done something different, done everything different she would've found it easier. You wonder if you'd _just_ been good enough she'd have….."

"Livia?" he asked, as her sentence trailed off into the distance and she stared lost in thought across the empty parking lot. She had reopened old wounds for him and he knew it. It only made him love her more.

"Sorry, sorry I got a little…."

"No I'm sorry….." said Calvin quietly, unable to tears from her any better than he could Eve or Texas. Reaching out an arm he set it lightly around her shoulders. "I shouldn't have called. You don't belong in this crap hole you need to….."

"Calvin shut up."

"What?" unable to tell, just for a split second, whether she was angry or not his pale eyes shot up to hers.

"You should have called _sooner _and no, no I shouldn't be in this crap hole but neither should you. So how about we both get the hell out of here? You need to get checked out by a doctor. We'll go by the ER on the way home."

"No, no I'm fine. Seriously. I don't need a doctor. …." and then confessing the true cause of his reluctance he swallowed, "… and I can't go back there. Not yet."

"You're going to the ER even if I have to cuff you to get you there and I wasn't talking about your place. I happen to know that my husband is making waffles when he gets back from his run and I plan to arrive right on time."

"It's not for nothing Livia. I swear to you. All this that you're doing for me? It means everything. It does. I know last night was bad and I can't promise I won't ever mess up again but I swear to you, I swear to God….." locking her loving brown eyes tight he vowed, "… the people I care about are not gonna be relieved when I die. I'm gonna make sure of it."

"Oh sweetie!" she gasped, horrified at even the notion.

"I'm trying."

"I know you are."

"I don't wanna let any of you down."

"Come on, come on get up. There is a pretty little girl at home who didn't sleep a wink last night worrying about you. Let's get you checked over and go eat waffles with her."

"You won't tell her? Please?"

"She has eyes, sweetheart. You're a little Fight Club right now."

"Just please don't tell her you found me here like this?"

"I won't lie to her Cal…" smiled Olivia, helping him clamber up off the curb and walking him carefully to her car, "…. but maybe we can come up with something."


	37. Different Names For The Same Thing

"No, no don't…"

"What?" murmured Elliot, reopening his eyes after shuddering climax to a different kind of ecstasy. To look down on that face, those deep brown eyes and exquisite cheekbones, that profoundly kind and impossibly beautiful smile.

"Don't move, not yet….." she breathed hotly, lifting her head from the pillow and recapturing his mouth hotly on hers, "… not yet."

"Okay…." as their bodies remained as one, she felt to know what it was to be complete. His heavy weight crushing on her: solid, safe. She wanted him in ways and in places that she had never wanted any man and that had never gone away. Her desire for him had never waned. When they made love it was clear he felt the same. Come what may the one thing that had always remained constant was them and this.

"Tell me we don't have to get up yet….." she groaned slowly, almost a purr as she rolled him gently off of her and then curled up back into his arms, "… the kids will be okay, right?"

"The boys were talking about that shooting game down on the boardwalk and Mouse won't leave her brother's side. They'll be just fine."

"Yeah, yeah no I think it's safe to say that where Sam and Calvin go Evie will follow."

"So with that being said…." he grinned, stroking his fingertips lightly along her collarbone and widening his eyes suggestively, "…. we can relax Mrs Stabler."

"Captain."

"No."

"Yes….." she insisted, lifting her eyebrows defiantly as he brought his arm to rest across her stomach and she stroked at the Eagle, Globe and Anchor on the soft skin of his inside forearm.

"Not in my bed you're not."

"Oh _your_ bed? So it's not Dave's beach house anymore? We're not borrowing it on equal terms? Or did you purchase it without my…"

"You can be Captain Stabler anywhere else in the world but….." his smile was soft, the mischief fading away to a simple, uncomplicated adoration, "… when it's just us, when we're just lying here and nothing else matters except that you're my wife…."

"That's when I'm Mrs Stabler, huh?" nodding slowly she decided she could agree to that. The belonging. He didn't own her. It wasn't possession. She just belonged to him, like one shoe belonged to another, like a ball belonged in a glove. The Mrs to his Mr was the role she was born to play. "Well okay then"

"Oh I forgot to tell you I had this awesome idea last night but you were already asleep."

"Uh-oh…."

"What? I didn't even say anything yet!" he protested, and she stifled a laugh.

"Babe you didn't have to. Not one single one of your awesome ideas has ever not brought me stress and construction dust all over my house."

"Your house?" he challenged, jumping all over how similar they were sometimes. "Is that a bit like _my_ bed?"

"Shut up."

"You shut up."

"Oh my God you are literally five years old sometimes Elliot Stabler."

"Literally? _Literally_ five years old?"

"Remember how good that sex was just now? Do you ever want that to happen again?" too lazy in that moment for his bouncing wordplay she played the one card he absolutely, unequivocally couldn't trump.

"I'm gonna put basketball nets up in the yard. Like not those plastic ones that used to fall over all the time when they were little but like nail one onto the wall. We used to have one at Kathy's place and….." suddenly her face changed, from listening to his words to something else and it stopped him in his tracks, "… what? What's with the look?"

"Nothing, nothing no look."

"Liv I know what just about every eyebrow twitch means but this one is throwing me for a loop. Start taking or you won't get to hear the rest of my idea."

"Were you working on the basis that that was strong blackmail material?" she smirked, teasing him. "Because it really does presuppose that I….."

"What'd I say that got me the look?"

"Kathy's place….." she confessed, her eyes meeting his as she tentatively added, "… you've never called it that before."

"I mean it belongs to some other family now but….." inhaling slowly he realised there was no need to dismiss or deflect when it was only the two of them listening, "….well I guess it stopped being home a long time ago."

"I'm sorry I don't even know why I made a thing of this. It's not a big deal."

"I don't think about her, Liv."

"No?" she hadn't intended to go here, but now they had arrived she was too human not to have him elaborate the thought.

"The kids? Sure, all the time. Memories with them, remembering when they were little and stuff. Kath is their mother and I would never make that less than it is."

"Of course not."

"But beyond that? Beyond the kids? It just all you."

"El….."

"I feel like I've been married to you for a hundred years Liv."

"Is that a good thing? Because it could kind of go either way from…."

"Christmas is those stupid outfits you and the kids wear. It's that insane stuffing you make. It's how you think you can cook a turkey but thank God for Fin."

"Hey!"

"Halloween is Momma's ghost house out in the yard and how every year you tell the same stories but the kids just eat it up, even now, and so do I. I can't remember what birthdays were like before it was you, me, Mouse and Sammy at Pete's seeing who surrendered first at the buffet."

"You are going _down_ this year. I'm wearing my Thanksgiving pants."

"My point is that I care about Kathy and always will but it kind of feels like you were the only one I ever put a ring on."

"I'm so glad I'm fluent in Elliot….." she laughed warmly, leaning up and kissing him appreciatively, "… you're really not a wordsmith, are you Beyonce?"

"Huh?"

"I love you too."

"Shall I finish telling you about my basketball idea now?"

"Yes, yes I'm all ears."

"One on the side of the house. One on the shed."

"The shed? Isn't that kind of low?" she puzzled.

"Not if you're in a chair."

"Sammy….." she mouthed, her eyes wide as she realised he still had the power to take her breath away and not just between the sheets.

"I can't figure out how you play baseball or football in a chair but I've been reading all this stuff and what if we make basketball a thing? Like we'll get Mouse involved it and if Calvin says it's cool then….."

"Sam will buy into it."

"Can you play?"

"Are you kidding me?" lifting a brow she pursed her lips and fanned her feathers, "I'll have you know I was captain of the womens' team at the Academy."

"Then I'm speaking with a pro!"

"El I think it's an _incredible _idea….." as she moved her hands to his hips Elliot sensed he had done good and may well be about to be rewarded, and seeing his smirk she nodded a green light, "… yeah, yeah _that_….come here…"

* * *

"Evie what happened!"

"It's fine! Mom don't panic!"

"Too late….." noted Elliot, who had established with one glance up from his newspaper that there was no crisis unfolding. Though Calvin had returned to their beach basecamp with Eve on his back, and his shirt around her left foot the patient appeared to be conscious.

"I just caught it on a rock is all, it's fine honestly!"

"We did a little first aid at the crime scene Captain Stabler…." though at first Olivia smarted at his smirking tease it soon appeased her, and rolling her eyes she flashed him a smile, "…the situation is contained and doesn't show signs of escalating."

"You mean we're not going to need to amputate?" playing along Olivia removed the t-shirt from around Eve's foot to examine for herself.

"You can put me down now, baby."

"No he can't….." countered Olivia, as Calvin stood dutifully doing as he was told by both women, "… keep her up there while I get some antiseptic and a bandage on this. If you get sand in it it'll hurt like hell."

"I could really eat an ice cream….." yawned Elliot, finishing off Olivia's can of Coke and sitting himself upright, "…. anyone else?"

"I'm down!" chiming into the conversation for the first time Sam dragged his attention away from his comic book, "Can I come with you?"

"Buddy I…." looking to Olivia who met her husband's eyes and attempted to convey to him her answer without speaking Elliot hesitated.

"Oh, oh no it's fine….." realising that his chair was up on the boardwalk and it was a considerable effort for his father to carry him up there and back for a simple ice cream run, "…. just make mine a chocolate with caramel sauce, please?"

"I'm sorry, son. Next time, okay?"

"Sure."

"Can I get another coke, babe?" asked Olivia, who was applying antiseptic to Eve's foot while she squealed at its sting. "Someone appears to have finished my last can."

"Mouse? Calvin? You want anything?"

"I'm good, thanks."

"Mouse?"

"A blue raspberry snow cone, please!" then, as Olivia finished wrapping her foot and Calvin set her down on a beach towel Eve caught his eye. "Snow cone?" she mouthed, giving a little nod of encouragement, "Just ask him."

"Err, Mr Stabler? Sir?"

"Change your mind?" asked Elliot, seeing Eve looking to him with that give him a chance Dad expression he had come to know so well.

"I'd love a strawberry snow cone if there was one going….." listening in Olivia smiled warmly, seeing how he became just any other awkward nineteen year old boy around his girlfriend's father, "…. please, thank you, sir."

* * *

"I'm so stuffed. I think I'm like half person, half pie. I'll be busting out of my cheer uniform on Monday."

"You're gorgeous, shut up." Said Calvin with a lazy drawl, not entertaining her insecurities even for a minute. "I still can't believe you're going back to school already."

"I know, right?" sighed Eve, as she and Calvin strolled hand in hand along the boardwalk in at dusk. "This summer flew by."

"This year is gonna fly by….." came the faraway sigh from Calvin whose eyes were somewhere out on the horizon.

"You alright baby?" she asked, coming to a halt and leaning against the railings to look out at the water. "You've been kinda quiet all evening. Well, even quieter than usual. Got something on your mind?"

"Not really….."

"Liar…." smiled Eve, turning to him and tilting her head curiously, "…. talk to me?"

"How's your foot?" he deflected, reaching a hand to the thin tan belt around her floral sundress and using it to pull her toward him. "It hurt?"

"No, no it's fine. It looked worse than it was….." as he enveloped her in his arms and hugged her lovingly against his chest, kissing at her hair, stroking at the small of her back she narrowed her eyes cynically, "…. what's up with you being so cuddly tonight?"

"I'm just a cuddly kind of guy….." he smirked, his eyes full of mischief, "…. Mr Sensitive, that's me."

"Is that right?" she smiled, resting a hand on the arm coiled tightly around her waist and leaning into him. "Okay then."

"Evie you're my whole life."

"What?" she asked, a little startled. He held that power. To capture her, to part the water, to come completely out of left field and turn everything on its head with just a few simple words.

"When I wake up in the morning you're the first thing I think of. When I'm not with you I'm just counting down the minutes. You're all I talk about to anyone who'll listen. Every single thing I do is for or because of you."

"Baby….." she mouthed, a little breathless.

"I gotta change that Bambi."

"No, no you don't….." she replied quickly, the ground beneath her feeling suddenly terrifyingly unsteady. As though it might fall away at any minute.

"Right from when I was a few feet high everything I did was for my Mom. My job was to keep her alive. Then Tex came along and I just followed her like a fucking lost puppy. She was quick and smart and so alive. He had all these crazy ideas and wild dreams and I followed her. I followed her blindly no questions asked."

"How's she doing? Texas?" swallowing nervously Eve had no clue where this conversation was going only that she was going right along with it. Wherever it may lead she would follow, as blindly as he had Texas. There was no other choice. It was a fait accompli and she knew that, she could see it in his eyes. All she could do was wait for it to play out and trust that wherever they ended up was where they were supposed to be.

"She's good. She's actually doing pretty great actually."

"The two of you seem to be doing better as well? Like you're talking again and stuff?" she had decided it best not to interfere in a friendship that predated her even knowing Calvin. The history that he shared with Texas was complicated and messy and too intricate and intimate for her to even hope to understand and so she just took it at face value. She had been there to support him through their rift and she asked questions only when she felt he was comfortable answering them.

"Yeah, yeah we've talked a lot. We agreed that I can't raise the baby with her."

"Because it's Johnny's?" asked Eve quietly.

"No, no that doesn't even matter. I mean it did at first but I'll get over it. She's her daughter not his, she'll be awesome. It's just that….." replied Calvin slowly. She knew there was more to that than the immediate. He was the least flippant person she knew. He had thought about this deeply.

"She's in love with you?" offered Eve, because she knew he'd be nervous to stay it to her.

"There's that."

"That would make it really hard for both of you…..

"I love Tex and I'll love her kid. I'll do what I can to help her but I can't make it all I do. We're not together. She's not my wife. It's not my kid. I can't live someone else's life. I can't live _my_ whole life for other people anymore. It's just running away."

"Calvin what are you trying to tell me?" she couldn't bear it anymore. She couldn't stand the waiting. "What is this really all about?"

"You know this time next year you'll be getting ready to go off to college. You'll be away at school learning all this cool shit and meeting all kinds of new people and you're gonna figure out who you are and what you want and what you're gonna do with your life."

"Why is this starting to sound like you're breaking up with me?" she asked quietly.

"What if you don't ever come back to the city after college? What if you get some awesome job offer in, like, New Mexico or something? What if you meet a brain surgeon who likes reading those chick books you're so into?"

"The Bronte sisters aren't chick lit…." she laughed, rolling her eyes and pushing playfully at his chest, "…. you're such a loser."

"And I gotta change that Bambi."

"Oh! Oh I wasn't serious!" she gasped, horrified at her misspeak. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry I was kidding!"

"S'alright."

"You're **not** a loser Calvin."

"I don't know who the hell I am."

"But….."

"But I've been thinking a lot lately and maybe….."

"Maybe what, baby?" she asked, stroking her fingertips up and down his arm and listening intently to what he had to say.

"Maybe I could be a solider."

"Are you serious?"

"I think that maybe if someone showed me how I could learn how to fly an Apache. Maybe I could get into the right kind of fights for a change."

"A solider?" she swallowed, as he watched her every face muscle in an attempt to read her reaction. Her cheekbones stood their ground. Her big blue eyes held tears at bay. Her pink lips pursed and she drew them to a little smile, "You're gonna join the army?"

"I love you Evie G….." reaching both hands to her face he stroked her soft keeps lightly with his thumbs, "…. I am so in love with you."

"Me too."

"You wanna graduate college. You wanna go to Paris and learn French. You wanna go backpacking round South got all these dreams and all these things that you want in your life and I just want you."

"That's okay!" she half laughed, half cried. It wasn't okay at all but she couldn't bear the overwhelming realisation that their relationship may well be finite.

"No it isn't. It isn't. I don't know much and I'm not good at this shit but I love you. I love you like I don't even remember not loving you. This isn't high school for me. This is real. What I feel for you isn't gonna go away but you're sixteen years old. You're not even close to being done growing up. Maybe this is it, maybe you're the one, maybe this is forever but how the hell do I know? You're a kid and I'm a mess. We gotta figure out who we are apart or we don't stand a chance of making it work together."

"Did you and my Mom come up with that together?" laughed Eve, tears choking at her throat. "Because that is _exactly_ the kind of completely true crap she'd come out with."

"No, no I came up with that crap all on my own I swear….." he grinned, so profoundly relieved that she was evidently of the same thinking he was.

"The army though? Seriously? Like you couldn't have decided that who you are is a park ranger or a librarian or a pizza delivery guy or something?"

"A librarian?"

"Okay that wasn't the best example but….."

"It's okay if you're freaking out you know Bambi."

"I am a little. A little more than a little. A lot I guess. But I'll get my head around the idea. I'm okay with it….." of course she wasn't, it broke her heart, but she smiled through it. He had never once in the whole time she had known him even so much as flinched at the idea of her leaving him for college or Europe. She was determined to be strong for him now. "We still have a year though, right?" she deflected, looking up at the whole world held in his blue green eyes.

"Yeah I mean I don't know if they'll even take me or how long it'll be before I get called to basic even if they do so…."

"Cal is this really what you want? I mean they're not kidding around, the army, they really will, like, send you to an actual war. You could be hurt or…."

"It's really what I want….." he swallowed, closing his eyes and kissing her tenderly, "… other than you it's the only thing I've ever been **completely** sure about."

"Then okay."

"Okay?" he tested, because he couldn't and wouldn't go through with it if she wasn't sincere.

"How do you even join the army? Do you just walk into some office and say hey, here I am, sign me up or?" she asked, sliding an arm around his waist and continuing their walk. At least while he was talking she didn't have to. He wouldn't be able to hear the break in her voice.

* * *

"I lied through my teeth Sam."

"About what?" asked Sam as he propelled himself along the boardwalk in the crisp Sunday morning air. Eve walked alongside him flicking a yo-yo she'd won up and down its string.

The family were set to head back to the city within the hour and Olivia was back at the beach house packing. Elliot and Calvin were sleeping in. They'd sat up on the decking well into the night as Elliot had attempted to convince him that the Marine Corps was a far superior branch and he was making a grave mistake going Army. Calvin had sat and listened intently, devouring the older man's every word. He had no intention of changing his mind. The army recruiter he'd spoken to in the mall with Texas so many months earlier had captured his imagination and everything he had learned since about the army aircraft had set it alight. He just liked hearing Elliot talk to passionately about the military. He just liked hearing Elliot talk.

"He's going to enlist. Calvin's gonna join the army."

"No kidding? Like, seriously though? He's really gonna go through with it?"

"Ummhmm….." nodded Eve, twisting the yo-yo string back around its glittery purple barrel and sighing heavily.

"And you're bummed?"

"Bummed?" she balked, feeling it a little patronizing as an understatement. "Look before you start I know this is his dream. I know this is what he wants and I'm being supportive, I really am. I'm being the freakin' role model girlfriend trust me. I don't need a pep talk."

"Vee I wasn't…."

"All I've wanted this whole time was for him to have enough confidence in himself to believe he could do whatever he wanted. For him to want something for himself instead of just looking after his Mom and Texas all the time."

"But?"

"I'm not naïve Sam. He's not joining the boy scouts."

"You don't want him to do it?"

"It isn't that simple!" she gasped, because it wasn't. Calvin's decision to serve was just the latest in a string of complicated, confusing, upsetting, painfully grown up situations she had found herself in over the course of a year. "Nothing is simple anymore. Do you ever feel like that?"

"Yeah, yeah I do."

"Oh Sammy I didn't mean that I'm sorry…." she flushed, flustered and apologetic.

"I reckon we just had it pretty good until now Vee don't you?" holding his wheels still Sam squinted up at her against the low sun. "We had things easy maybe. I guess things are a different now. I guess this is what growing up feels like."

"Yeah well it doesn't feel like so much fun to me so far."

"Me neither."

"Of course he has to go. This is what he wants. This is what he feels he has to do. It just doesn't feel quit the same is all. My talking about leaving is going to Rhode Island for college, you can be there in a couple of hours and I'm pretty much guaranteed to come back alive. Once he's done with training and he deploys it'll be to the other side of the world. I don't know whether we can survive that. I mean you can all come visit me any time at Brown but I'm pretty sure I can't just drop by Afghanistan for move night with him."

"There's a lot of scary talk going on."

"I can't even think about that. Now every time I hear them talk on the news about Iran and Syria and Korea I'll just….."

"I don't wanna go back to school tomorrow Vee."

"I hear ya."

"No, no Vee I'm serious….." allowing the yo-yo to fall Eve's mouth gaped slightly as she met the determined sincerity in her brother's gaze; she lost the reflex to call it back up the string, "…. I can't do it. I can't go. I'm not going."

"How'd you mean you're not going? You have to go. It's all planned out. Mom and Dad spoke with Principal Evers and all your teachers. They set everything up."

"I don't care."

"You don't want to start your junior year with your class? All your friends?"

"Evie do you know how many of those "friends" came to visit me this summer? How many of my class?" and then the one that smarted most, "How many of my team?"

"I…." she wouldn't need more than one hand, she knew that much. "They sent cards and flowers. They sent you cakes."

"Their parents set those and you know it. They felt guilty. Guilty that it was Mom and Dad whose kid wound up paralysed not theirs. You should've seen the way the so called friends who did come to visit looked at me. Like I had some disease that might be contagious. Like they could catch cripple."

"Oh Sammy…." she murmured, reaching to his shoulders and leaning over him, hugging his neck ever so gently from behind.

"I hate them. I hate them all."

"I know, babe. They're stupid. They're stupid idiots and their cowards and….."

"I felt like such a freak for weeks. Everything was awkward. Everything still is awkward. I just finally feel like I'm getting a little piece of normal back, you know? Like I know how things work. I know that on Tuesdays we watch Fire House 30 together. Calvin gets off early on Thursdays and we hang out. Friday night Dad takes me out. Mom knows just exactly how to help me with all the crap that just needs to get done and I'm figuring it all out and I **am** figuring it all out….."

"You really are and it is so, so awesome Sam. I'm proud of you, I am so proud of you."

"Going back to school tomorrow will screw that all up Vee. I know it will. I'll just feel dumb and disabled and everyone will stare and I'll forget all the stuff I've learned to do and they'll all just stare and talk crap about me and I'll be cripple boy and…."

"Talk to Mom and Dad."

"We already decided. I already talked about it with them and I promised I'd try. I said I'd give it a shot. I told them I was okay with it."

"Because you are? Or because you love them and you knew it was what they wanted to hear?" asked Eve with a sad but knowing smile.

"I guess it's a little like you telling Cal you're okay with him joining the army, huh?"

"But seriously Sammy you gotta talk to them. You have to tell them everything you just told me. They'll listen to you, they will. If you don't speak up then they won't know you're feeling like this and they can't fix it."

"You gonna talk to Cal?"

"I don't know."

"Vee…."

"That's different. That's a completely different situation. Calvin is an adult. He makes his own decisions and I'm just his girlfriend. Whether or not he joins the army isn't my choice it's his and its got nothing to do with me. Mom and Dad are your parents, you're their child. Whether or not you go back to school is _everything _to do with them. If you need more time then they can help you figure that out. They can help you figure anything out."

"You're not just his girlfriend Vee and it does have a _little _to do with you if the two of you are gonna….."

"Sammy stop that. This is about you."

"I'll talk to Mom and Dad if you talk to Calvin? It might be his decision, it might be his choice but that doesn't mean you don't get a voice. Don't lose your voice Vee."

"Just so you know? I hear one single one of those idiots talking crap about my little brother tomorrow I will kick their asses."

"I would pay to see that….." turning himself around and setting out to return to the beach house Sammy chuckled fondly, "… you couldn't hurt a fly Evie G."

"I think I could be pretty scrappy if I wanted to be."

"Yeah, no, just no….." showing his teeth in a wide grin Sam looked up at her and suggested, "… I mean get Cal to help out and you could really do some damage but."

"He does _not _need an excuse to use his fists."

"You really think they'll listen to me? Mom and Dad?"

"Yeah, yeah I do….." nodded Eve confidently, "…. I really do."


	38. I've Been Afraid Of Changing

"Final question. For the win."

"Stabler you're such a little dork."

"The category is Auto and Shop Information, come on Cal, this is your field. You got this; you got this in the bag. Here we go….." revelling in his role of question master and grand host Sam held up his laptop as though it were a question flashcard and put on a dramatic voice, "… a car uses too much oil when which of the following parts are worn?"

"Piston rings."

"It's multiple choice."

"Piston rings."

"Is it a) camshaft, b) connecting rods, c) fuel pump or d)….."

"Piston rings…." smirked Calvin, reaching for his soda can and taking a swig, "… next question, little bud?"

"That's all I got. I'm fresh out. We did every single one of these practice tests and you're nailing it. I mean your word knowledge and paragraph comprehension is gonna be kind of touch and go depending on what mood you're in but…."

"Hey!"

"Cal you threw your sneaker at me when I read you that last comprehension question."

"'Cos it was really fucking dumb!" chortled Calvin, and Sam couldn't help but laugh in agreement. "When am I gonna need to know about migrating birds at fucking boot camp?"

"Yeah but, like, it's not for that is it? It's so you pay attention. So you don't zone out when someone's radioing you information and then you shoot at the wrong target or whatever."

"Huh….." nodding slowly Calvin saw the situation in a new light. By gosh he liked this little guy. "You tired, bud?"

"No, no I'm all good. I'm gonna go grab us a snack and then I say we try those paragraphs one more time? You only got one shot at this ASVAB and I wanna be able to say I got a friend who's a solider so….."

"You got any of those little marshmallow crispy things Livia makes?" asked Calvin, remembering the tiny chunks of mouth melting heaven Olivia had presented them all with last movie night.

"She doesn't make them, you know that right?"

"What?" and Sam had to laugh at the utter dismay that befell Calvin's face at the discovery. "She definitely said that she…."

"Dude, like, when does my Mom have time to bake? She just an absolute pro at finding stuff at the store that doesn't look or taste like it came in a packet. She's been doing it since we were little."

"I feel a little cheated."

"Shut up!"

"I'm gonna have words with Captain Stabler."

"Seriously."

"Kidding, I'm kidding, chill….." chuckling to himself Calvin who grabbed the handles of Sam's chair and pushed him to the kitchen, "…. come on then, you can fix snacks and I'll grab us some sodas or something."

"Mom moved most stuff down into low cupboards….." it was strange thought Sam, how he didn't mind having Calvin help him. If any of his other friends, not that they had visited him at home, were to push his chair without asking or offer to do the more complex task it would smart. Somehow he just trusted that, like Eve, Calvin was just taking a load off.

"So buddy….." announced Calvin, popping open a soda can and handing it to Sam because he was still struggling with his finger dexterity, "… what's the deal with you not going back to school, huh?"

"I just chose not to is all."

"I figured."

"I don't need that crap. I'm doing just fine. I know what they're all saying about me. I know they all think I'm some sad, weak, pathetic disabled kid now and they can all go to hell with their pity. I don't want it. I don't need it."

"You're not weak Sam."

"My Mom still has to help me get dressed on a morning. I can't tie my own shoes."

"So get pull on shoes."

"You're hilarious."

"I am, that's true, but that wasn't a joke. You know they make shoes without laces. You can buy them. They're a thing."

"I get that you're just trying to help and that's cool, I appreciate it, but you can't possibly know what it's like for me. You can't imagine. I'm not like you Cal. I don't look like you do. I don't have every girl in school lining up to take their shot. I can't throw a spiral like you can. You're a big guy with a pretty face who doesn't take crap from anyone. Someone looks at you sideways and you beat them up."

"For the record I do not condone violence."

"Shut up I'm not my parents, relax.

"Sam I might not know what it's like to be paralysed or how many shades of hell you're going through right now. I know what it's like to be the entertainment though. The freak show all those little shits just _love_ to watch."

"Yeah?"

"Hobo….." nodding slowly at the slightly faded memory Calvin took a swig of soda, "… that's what they used to call me."

"Like the hobbit?"

"Isn't that Bilbo?"

"Oh, yeah, maybe…."

"My clothes were dirty and I was just so gross. I was a fucking mess. I never had lunch money so I just used to pick at other kids' scraps and I fell asleep in class 'cos I was so dog tired all the time. They thought I was stupid. Teachers were pretty sure I was, like, retarded or whatever."

"Was it because of your mom?" of course it was, came the unspoken understanding between the two boys.

"My point is that high school is just fucking brutal Sammy. No question about it. You just gotta get through it. Teenagers are vicious. They're pretty much the worst human beings on the planet and that's just fact. It doesn't matter what's up with you. You're in a wheelchair, you're mom's a junkie, you're a little Hispanic chick who can't pronounce her words or you've just got this kinda awkward lazy eye…."

"Okay that was you, me, and I'm guessing Texas….." stifling a snorted laugh Sam pulled a face, "… who's the lazy eye?"

"Are you kidding? There's always a kid with a weird eye."

"No there isn't!"

"You just gotta show them you don't give a shit, buddy. You gotta go back in there with your head held high because you know what? You had a fight with an SUV going full throttle and you survived. You looked fucking death in the eye a few months ago and you got through it….." setting green blue eyes on Sam the wisdom of experience asked, "….you really gonna let those morons scare you?"

"I…."

"Buddy I gotta tell you that there are gonna be people telling you that you can't for the rest of your life now. It's not gonna end after high school. It fucking sucks ass but it's just the way it's gonna be. The way I see it? You can either give up and prove them all right or you can stand up, look 'em square in the face and…."

"Join the army?"

"Show them you **can** Sam. Show them _they're _the pathetic ones not you."

* * *

"How's that paper going Evie G?"

"Fine, thanks….." came the distracted reply from the kitchen table as Eve tapped furiously at her laptop with a sea of notes spread out around her.

"You want a coffee, baby? Tea? Soda?" wandering past the table Olivia leant down and pressed a kiss against Eve's hair. Stroking lightly at it and reading over her shoulder she couldn't help but feel momentarily wistful. She couldn't even bring herself to think about how there were only so many more times she would find her young daughter doing homework at this table. "Unless our menfolk have pillaged my secret stash again I have cookies. Peanut butter chocolate chip, your favourite."

"Coffee would be awesome, thanks, but I only get a cookie once I get done writing about this fire escape."

"This what now?" asked Olivia, returning to the table with two steaming mugs and taking a seat beside Eve. "Are you discussing city fire codes or?"

"Yeah, yeah no that's definitely what my English paper is about Momma….." groaned Evie with a slow roll of her eyes. Sitting back in her chair she took a much needed break and smiled across at her mother while wrapping her hands around her coffee cup. "It's a symbol. Amanda is, like, this total Southern Belle and used to live in this big old house with a giant porch or whatever. Now she's living in her city hell and the fire escape is part of that. Oh and the son smokes on it and wishes on the moon. Then stupid Laura falls on it. So there's that."

"Evie Grace I think you're breaking profound new ground. Mr Williams would be proud."

"You're mocking me but we both know you hate The Glass Menagerie as much as I do."

"Yeah, yeah no I didn't love this one I have to admit…." came the thoughtful smile from Olivia as she lifted the book from the table and browsed through its pages, remembering her the hours she had spent studying it years earlier. She loved books.

"What was your favourite book you studied in high school?"

"To Kill A Mockingbird, hands down. I mean I got pretty into Shakespeare at one point but there was just this one quote that made me think Harper Lee was just about the smartest person in the whole entire world. I've lived by it ever since."

"Seriously?" asked Eve, a little amazed and surprised by the depth of the answer to what had initially been a simple question.

"You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view, until you climb into his skin and walk around in it."

"Wow….." mouthed Eve, meeting her mother's warm brown gaze and sharing a profound moment of quiet with her.

"Don't you _ever_ let anyone tell you that books aren't important Eve, because they will, I promise you that. I remember so clearly people telling me how it was science that was going to change the world. It was math and economics that would make me the most money. I couldn't have cared less about any of that."

"But you didn't even major in English lit in college, how come? If you loved it so much. Where did wanting to be a detective come from?"

"Honestly?" was there ever any other way with them, came the smile in reply from Eve. "I think probably the same place that _not _being a lit major did. I was determined not to be like my mother."

"Oh, oh I see….."

"But it was the stories I read when I was little that shaped me. It was the lines like that one from Lee that made me think and question and feel things that no algebra puzzle ever could. Why'd you reckon Williams has Laura fall on the fire escape?"

"I dunno."

"Think about it…." shrugged Olivia, lifting her coffee to her mouth and taking a long sip. Her eyes watched Eve, the little frown lines forming in her forehead and the way her mouth twisted as she pondered the notion.

"I guess maybe because she won't ever _actually _escape? So, like, maybe he's showing how no matter what she tries to do like the business course or dating Jim she just can't ever find enough strength to make it stick. She's too shy and awkward to actually make a life for herself and Jim goes off and marries someone because she's just too broken. She's fragile like her little glass ornaments. She won't ever escape that apartment. She won't ever escape herself. She's just broken. That's who she is."

"Broken in a way only God can break a person."

"What?" murmured Eve, the words taking an almost ethereal quality as Olivia spoke them from somewhere else. Totally gripped by her own thoughts.

"Just something someone said to me….." recalling her conversation with Calvin about Vivian she couldn't help but make the comparison, "...this reminded me of it that's all. Write what you just said down, babe. I think it sounded really great."

"Mom can I ask you something?"

"Shoot."

"If Dad wanted to join the army could you be happy about it?"

"Oh wow, wow big question baby girl…." stalling, desperately, knowing she would struggle to given even close to a straight answer honestly Olivia sighed, "… Calvin?"

"I wanted him to have a dream. I did, so badly. I just didn't figure on it being one that at best would take him a million miles away for months on end or at worst could kill him."

"He really wants this, babe. He really does."

"I know."

"And you know the two of you were always going to have a really big conversation coming up at the end of this year. That much was already a given. You know your Dad and I have let you date him but there were always conditions. Every single one of us knew that come next fall you'd be going off to college."

"So what you're saying is that we'd be breaking up anyway?" there wasn't anger in Eve's voice, more a quiet, reluctant acceptance of a reality she was already aware of. "I guess. I guess but I suppose I'd just kind of thought that if he was still here in New York he could just come visit me all the time you know? That it wouldn't have to end. We could just be long distance. People make that work, right? One or both of them go off to college and they stay together."

"Yes, yes people do and some of them go on to get married and live happily ever after but Evie I'm not sure this is that kind of situation. I'm just not so sure what kind of chance you'd stand if all Calvin does is fix up cars in some two bit repair shop bored out of his mind and just killing time between visits to see you. You with your amazing, exciting, challenging, time consuming new life."

"I would really love him to just stay in New York so we could see each other all the time."

"Do you think that it would be fair to him though?" asked Olivia, as Eve shook her head slowly and replied with a sighing smile. "I know you love him, babe. I know you do. I think that that's how you know that this is the right thing. It might not feel good. It might hurt like hell. It's the right thing though. He deserves to have a dream and he deserves to have the people who care about him support that dream."

"The way he supports mine."

"That's kind of how it works, babe."

"It kind of sucks."

"Yup."

"Mom!"

"Not even kidding, baby girl."

"But….."

"You want to date a boy old enough to join the military? You want to have an adult relationship with all that that means? Evie I don't want to hurt you anymore than you already are but I need to be able to say this to you. You want a grown up relationship? You give your whole self to a person? There are strings. There's a cost, a price to pay. When you love someone, when you _really _love someone with every part of yourself….." holding her daughter's gaze Olivia sighed weightily, "… it's heartbreaking. It will break your heart."

"I understand what you're saying."

"Do you? Do you really?"

"I don't regret it."

"I wasn't trying to…."

"Not one single part, not one single minute Mom I mean that. Even if he doesn't turn out to be the one, even if we break up next fall and I go off to college and he's based a million miles away, even if I never see him again. I will **never** regret any of it."

"Then that's what you have. That's what you have to hang onto."

"What you said before about some people being broken in a way only God can break a person?"

"What about it?"

"Do you think that Cal's like that? Is that how you see him? Unfixable?"

"No."

"You really mean that?" asked Eve, feeling suddenly as though her whole life hung on Olivia's reply. If Calvin was beyond repair, if he was beyond hope then so was her relationship with him: on every possible level.

"Calvin Arliss is not even close to unfixable. He's not even broken, sweetheart, he's just a little twisted out of shape by everything he's had to deal with. He'll straighten himself out. He'll get his life together and he'll do great things with it. I really do believe that, baby girl…" reaching for Evie's hand she squeezed it gently, "… with all my heart."

* * *

"Personally I don't see the link."

"It's a gut thing Cap. It just is. I can't explain it yet. I haven't got the evidence to prove it but I just _know _that it's out there if you'll just give us some more time?"

"Lieutenant what's your read?" asked Olivia, her twice weekly visits to check in with them the 16th precinct now part of all of their routines.

"Me?" only recently having passed his exams it still sounded strange to Nick hearing his new title out loud.

"Are there any other newly crowned Lieutenants on my team?" it was her way of saying congratulations once more and he smiled warmly in appreciation of the fact. "Are we giving Detective Taylor licence here? Do we trust her gut?"

"Do you?" because for all the standing in he had done there was no doubt in any one of their minds that she was still in charge. SVU and Olivia Stabler were the same thing. They were so entwined, so bled together, that it felt to them as though no amount of time or distance could weaken that binding.

"Yeah, yeah I do…." as their leader once more showed unblinking faith in her squad Georgia couldn't stifle a grin.

"Thank you Captain."

"Don't thank me….." said Olivia with a matter of fact nod as she tossed the case file back to Georgia, "…. just nail this bastard."

"Yes m'am….." and with that she disappeared from the assembled group, with Amaro close behind her.

"How's it feel, cheekbones?" came a voice out of nowhere. Fin, who had sat quiet in the corner the entire briefing, now leant forward and flashed his feet. "I know I'm sure as hell glad to have you back, even just for flying visits."

"I'm not sure how it feels."

"Uh-oh….." as she wandered closer to him and took a perch against his desk, dropping her head into her hands and sighing wearily he observed, "… that's not good."

"How are you anyway? I've been neglecting you lately."

"You've been kind of busy…." still as besotted with her as ever Fin winked, "… I'm just fine, doll. Same old same old. How're the kids? Back at school?"

"Evie is knee deep in senior year already. Between homework and cheerleading and Calvin I'm not sure when I'm going to see that girl. She's my little tornado."

"And Sam?" asked Fin, seeing a sadness wash over his friend. "Not so much, huh?"

"I don't have a clue what to do Fin. Do we push him? Do we force him back to school? I mean all the advice we've taken says that there won't ever be a good time to go back. They tell us he won't ever feel ready and that kids with his kind of injuries just need to throw themselves back in there and try to get back to normal as soon as possible."

"So he's medically cleared for school?"

"There are rules. There's a structure. The school have got to make adaptations, allowances, but yeah basically he's signed off to go back to doing everything all the other kids do."

"Only he doesn't feel like he can?"

"Honestly I struggle to know what my son feels sometimes. Is that awful? I'm afraid it is. I can just read Eve, you know? It's effortless. Even when she doesn't want to talk I know what's going on in that little head of hers. It scares the crap out of me most of the time but at least I can help her. At least I can try."

"Does Sam talk to Elliot?"

"Yeah, yeah he does. They're pretty close. I just don't think El feels any more comfortable pressuring him than I do. I mean where's the line? We want to protect him but at the same time if what he needs is a push to get him back to school, if that's what's best for him, then we need to do that."

"But he's still saying he doesn't wanna go? That he's not ready?"

"He's not like Eve. He likes to act tough and confident but he's not. I saw it when he was in the rehab centre. She knew every single one of the kids in there because she just wandered around introducing herself and starting up conversation with anyone who'd play ball. Sam made friends in his own way but it took longer, it took them approaching him, giving him a green light."

"They're chalk and cheese that's for sure."

"What'd I do? Do I make him go? Or do I let him stay home and get his confidence back?"

"You sure that he won't lose it even more if he's just sat at home brooding on it all? Missing things all the other kids are doing?"

"I don't know….." she shrugged, tearing up and shaking her head with the profound overwhelming of a mother entirely helpless to know how best to help her child.

"Liv….."

"I'm tired Fin."

"Yeah?" he asked, not saying anymore because the depth of her statement was clear in the way she looked over at him. They were not just talking about a need for an early night.

"You asked me earlier how I felt about being back here."

"And you said you weren't sure….." nodded Fin slowly.

"Yeah."

"Pretty much the first time I've heard you say you weren't sure you wanted to be here."

"Pretty much the first time I _haven't _been sure I wanted to be here….." replied Olivia, taking her friend into her confidence and feeling to almost hold her breath as she said the unthinkable. "I know it took me a while to come back after the explosion, after we lost Cragen but that was different. That was grief talking. That was me afraid I wasn't ready for Captain."

"And now?" not afraid to ask the difficult questions Fin posed the biggest possible, "Now what are you afraid of?"

* * *

"That much?"

"More."

"I'm scared to put too much in. You know I'm such a chicken about spicy stuff."

"Just one more shake, trust me. I've watched Tex do this a million times."

"Can I feel my ears burning?"

"We're making chilli….." smiled Calvin, and Eve noticed he had that genuine warmth behind it again when he interacted with Texas. Time really was healing. "You want in? There's plenty."

"Texas you're huge!" gasped Eve, all but dropping the spoon into the pan and leaving Calvin to finish up as she became distracted by Texas' blooming condition. "How long off are you? Are you excited?"

"Not so long now, sugar…." with a calm, level smile the older girl held her swollen stomach and just took a moment to size Eve up. The pair of them had every reason in the world to dislike each other for a whole colour wheel of reasons. Yet somehow they did not. They could not. Eve had a lightness, an effusive vivaciousness about her that was infectious to Texas. It was everything she had lost forever a long time ago but so dearly treasured in Calvin's pretty little girlfriend.

"How big do you reckon it is now? Do you think it's gonna be a heavy baby? I was kinda average but my brother was so tiny, like a little peanut, I've seen pictures….." and then, not that Texas was, but in case she panicked her Eve added quickly, "… oh but that won't happen to you. No, no you'll be so completely fine."

"You want kids?"

"I mean it's a long time away yet but someday for sure. Maybe a girl and a boy like me and my brother….." as the chilli began to burn at the bottom of the pan Calvin's soft gaze danced a slow waltz across the room and couldn't decipher if it was joy or sadness he felt. Pure joy at the perfect picture of how completely adorable Eve's children would someday be; and an accepting sadness that they would probably not be his.

"You wanna feel her kick?"

"Are you kidding!" grinned Eve, offering Texas her hand and then waiting expectantly as she pressed her palm firmly into the side of her rounded bump. "Oh my God! Oh my God that's insane! That's crazy! She's so _strong _Texas!"

"She's gonna need to be….." nodded Texas, terrified but mentally better prepared for the upcoming battle for her daughter's future than she ever imagined she could be.

"Cal come feel this, it's so amazing. Come feel the baby kick?"

"Sure, sure I can do that….." having rescued dinner Calvin turned down the heat and downed his spoon. As he moved across the kitchen Eve felt him forgive Texas just that little bit more. They had spoken of it at length and she knew he understood that his friend had felt profound loss too. She was grieving for Vivian as well and she was mortally ashamed of her night with Johnny. Calvin knew that and in time he was finding his way back to her.

"Oh no, no sorry mijo I think she's taking a break….." breezed Texas, flashing a smile and making an evasive manoeuvre around the other side of the kitchen table. Eve puzzled slightly as to whether that was really true. Calvin took it on face value and shrugged unquestioningly. Taking a moment to breathe Texas grabbed the washing basket and stepped outside to pin it up.

"You want soda or lemonade with dinner, baby?" asked Eve, wandering to the fridge and examining its contents. "Oh wait, you don't have soda."

"Lemonade is all good….." leaning past her to retrieve the last chilli ingredients Calvin felt her hands grab at his waist, and her warm lips catch his neck with a kiss, "… thanks."

"It was too tempting…." she smiled, unable to let him come in such close proximity without touching.

"Your hair is cute today….." he noted, so casual, so candidly that she always knew his spontaneous compliments were shot straight from the heart and were never conditional, "….all twisty."

"Twisty?" she laughed lightly, as they shared a brief kiss. "It's a French braid you crazy."

"Yeah, yeah one of those….." smirking with a shake of his hair Calvin leant down and kissed her properly, deeply, so she felt it in the tips of her toes.

"You wanna get that chilli off the stove, mijo. It smells done!"

"On it!" calling back to Texas as she waddled back in from the yard Calvin and Eve set about serving.

On arriving back into the kitchen Texas just watched them. Feeling the child inside her pumping her little feet she thought about telling Calvin. Then, seeing how he interacted with Eve, decided against it. She couldn't share this with him. They weren't together, they weren't in love, and her baby wasn't his. All these intimate moments, all these firsts she was experiencing were so magical. They were the stuff life is made of. He deserved to share them with someone who set him on fire the way Eve Stabler did.

Maybe it wouldn't be Evie he'd end up with. Maybe they'd go their separate ways next year and never see one another again. It didn't matter, thought Texas. Whoever Calvin was destined to start a family with someday deserved those firsts with him. It would be his baby in their belly he'd feel kick, it would be her hand he'd hold through labour; it would be her child that would call him Dad. It was there, standing in the kitchen doorway that Texas began to realise her future. Even if it killed her she had to slowly, painfully, begin to entangle Calvin from her life. He would never look at her the way he was looking at Eve in that moment. She had clung to a dream for long enough. It was time to let it go. It was time to let him go.


	39. The Shape Of Things To Come

"_Here you go son, come on, let's get your backpack on. Let's put Andrew the Anteater on you."_

"_It's Anderso, silly! Anderson the Aardvark….." clambering out of the backseat of his father's car Sam Stabler planted two feet firmly on the asphalt and slid his arms into the straps as Elliot held them._

"_You got your lunch Sammy? You got your lunchbox in there?"_

"_Momma made me PBJ…."_

"_Oh she did, did she?" grinned Elliot knowingly, giving his wife an amused look as Olivia jointed them at the curb and shot a warning glare. _

"_Do not say a word, detective."_

"_Only I thought that we were being healthy. I thought that we were going whole grain and plain chicken sandwiches and….."_

"_Momma I can't find my dolly. Where's my Dolly? Where'd she go?" puzzled a little girl's face as, having been left to her own devices for just a few moments, their daughter had created her own little tornado of chaos as usual. _

"_Oh Evie, oh Evie G have you emptied your whole backpack out in the dirt?" hitching up the legs of her black, almost uniform, work pants Olivia removed her sun glasses and put them atop her hair to bend down and help Eve. "It's dirty on the ground, baby. Look your things are getting all dusty. I think that you didn't bring Dolly home last night that's why she's not here. I think that you left her in your drawer at school."_

"_Sammy's coming to school with Evie today…." said Eve with a serious expression, remembering the conversation they had had in on the car ride from home, "…. imma be a big girl helper sister. I'm the growd up one."_

"_Grown, baby, grown. Now let's put all of these thing back in here, just back into your backpack, come on sweetheart. Help Mommy to do this quickly, please?"_

"_Babe relax, it's okay, we've got time. We've got tonnes of time."_

"_No, no we don't….." swallowed Olivia, standing up so quick she made herself dizzy._

"_Liv….."_

"_Look at them?" she marvelled, holding out Eve's backpack while she loaded it onto her little back. Distracted from her search for her doll Eve wandered over to her brother, taking his chubby little hand in her own and flashing a milk teeth smile. "Look at them with their matching backpacks and all their teeth and they're little shoes."_

"_You wanna hold my hand Sammy?"_

"_Vee can I sit by you?" asked the little boy, whose saucer eyes looked up at his slightly taller sister with trepidation. "I'm scared. I wanna stay with you." _

"_What if they pick on him?" asked Olivia, as they allowed their children a moment of togetherness before they entered the school gates. "What if they notice he's still got that little lisp and they make fun of it. What if they're mean to him El? What if they tease our boy?"_

"_Then they tease him. Kids will be kids. They're resilient as all heck, stop worrying. He's got this, seriously. Sam is all over this kindergarten situation and any time he's not…" said Elliot, reaching a supportive arm to his wife's waist, "… he's got big sis watching his six."_

"_I know..." nodded Olivia slowly, as the four of them set out toward the school with Sam and Evie striding out in front hand in hand and their parents bringing up the rear. _

"Liv? Hey?" shaken from her daydream by a gentle tugging at her hand Olivia turned to Elliot and forced a smile.

"Sorry I was a million miles away."

"Mom please don't cry this is awkward enough without me having my Mommy crying at the school gate…." came Sam's voice, gently broken into manhood as he looked up at his mother from his wheelchair and flashed panicked, warning eyes.

"Me? Cry?" forcing a stiff upper lip Olivia frowned and shook her head, "Never."

"I got this Mom. I swear. I'm ready to go in there and face the music. Whatever crap they wanna give me I can handle it."

"And he's not on his own…." came the warm smile from Eve who ruffled Sam's hair fondly, much to his disgruntled disapproval, "…. I'm gonna watch out for him."

"You want us to come in with you son?" asked Elliot, stroking at the small of Olivia's back and knowing just how hard this was for her.

"No, no I'm good thanks."

"Not even to talk to the principle again? Just iron out any last details, figure out any logistics we haven't covered."

"You already thought of every possible scenario Mom! All that's left is for me to actually, you know, like go to lessons and stuff. Anything logistics we didn't think of? I'll figure them out….." said Sam, taking ownership and feeling stronger as a result of it, "… you've done enough, you've done everything you can. It's on me now. I don't need you to hold my hand for this part."

"You sure?" asked Olivia, almost holding her breath. "Then you call me, please? I know I'm being neurotic. I know I'm worrying about you when you don't need me to but that's my job. Worrying about the both of you is my blessing and curse so Sam will you please at least text me? Let me know how it's going?"

"And if he forgets I will….." nodded Eve, meeting Olivia's eyes and bidding her to trust her.

"Thank you."

"Come on then Vee let's go….." giving a little wave goodbye to his parents Sam set about wheeling himself across the school yard, "… we gotta get in there or we'll be late for homeroom."

"Let them go, Liv….." grabbing at her jacket hem Elliot pulled his wife back, sliding an arm around her waist and hugging her close, "…. let him go."

"Fighting whole armies? That's what the Bible reckons guys named Samson are capable of right?"

"Knew it the first time I lay eyes on our little guy….." kissing her cheek tenderly Elliot affirmed, "… superhuman strength, just like his momma."

"I just want them to be happy Elliot. I don't care how or what or who or why. I just want them safe and loved and happy." Of course he felt the same; she knew that, it went without saying. And so, moving his hand from around her waist to around her shoulders he propelled her back toward the car.

"Come on you….." he smiled, giving her a squeeze, "…. let's go get a coffee, maybe a Danish if I'm feeling generous."

* * *

"What about this one?"

"I like it."

"Yeah, no, no it's just awful Cal this one has to go. I don't know who told you plaid was a good idea but it's just not."

"Bambi I don't know why you're still asking for my opinion. Just go ahead and trash what you want I really don't care. I pretty much just wear the same three shirts anyways."

"It's already looking so much better in here….." decided Eve, pinning her hands to her hips and surveying the now ordered chaos that was Calvin's bedroom. With her directing operations and him doing the heavy lifting they had managed to wade through the accumulated junk and divide it into trash and keep piles.

"Thanks for helping with Mom's room….." his bedroom was the home straight of what had been a far from easy afternoon of sorting through the past, "….appreciate it."

"Yeah well Texas is gonna need the space when the baby comes and I really like to organize."

"I noticed that. All these labels and lists. It's kinda intense."

"Try this one on. If it fits you can keep it but I dunno it looks kinda small…." tossing a t-shirt over at him Eve folded three more into a pile and set them down in one of his drawers, "… well?"

"I think it's very flattering."

"Oh my God!" dissolving into giggles Eve's face lit up and she held her stomach with laughter. "Oh my God you look ridiculous! You look like you're either headed to a rave or to join a boy band or something. That is awesome, that is so awesome!"

"Not a keeper then?" smirked Calvin, ducking and squinting to catch his reflection in the sunlight window. The t-shirt was far too small and stretched taught over his increasingly muscled frame. It must have been at least five or six years old and now rode up a good foot from his belt buckle and exposed a decent chunk of sculpted abs.

"You need to take that off right now….." snorting another laugh Eve rolled her eyes and wandered over to him, peeling the skin tight t-shirt up over his head and throwing it into the black trash bag, "… they will _immediately _reject you from the army if they see you looking like Malibu Ken."

"What's next?" asked Calvin, collecting up a handful of mismatched socks and old comic books to add to the discard pile. "What'd we do now?"

"Take off your jeans….." said Eve, lifting the corners of her mouth to a flirty little smile.

"Why? What's wrong with my jeans?" came the mildly offended reply as Calvin looked down at his lower half and examined the faded, frayed and slit kneed denim, "You vetoing them too? You're on a fucking mission today. I'm not gonna have any stuff left all if you keep….."

"There's nothing wrong with your jeans, they're fine, you can keep them…." biting on her lip she flushed a little pink in the cheeks and suggested, "… just maybe not right now….."

"Oh, humph…." came the satisfied nod in reply, but as Calvin looked up and met her eyes and caught the twinkle in them he understood her real meaning. Smiling, just smiling at him Eve drank in the view of him stood shirtless and irresistible and felt as though she were about implode with desire. Tingling with teenage longing and lust and fearless love she threw herself into his arms, drank in the warmth of his kiss and the feeling of his built arms crushing her with a bear hug.

"I can think of something we can do….."

"Yeah?" he grinned, and she closed her eyes and just loved him: loved him right from the tips of her fingers to the thundering beating of her heart. As he hoisted her clear off the ground she felt the flip of her stomach she got when the wheels of a plane left the tarmac. Lift off. In his arms she was flying.

* * *

"I was hoping you'd be here."

"Texas, hey!" getting up from his desk Fin greeted his visitor with a cheery smile and beckoning hand, "Get over here, come on, come grab a seat."

"I won't keep you long I know you're busy."

"Everything alright?" it was clearly not, he thought to himself, as she came a little closer. Her olive skin was pale, her eyes heavy and pricked with pain. He pushed his chair aside and grabbed for her elbow, guiding her away from the main bullpen and into one of the side rooms they often used as a quiet space in which to talk with victims. "Come on, come sit in here. Talk to me? What's going on? How can I help?"

"It's nothing….really…. it's just…."

"Calvin?" he tested, knowing there were few things in her life that could affect her so profoundly. With Vivian gone there were only two remaining: if it wasn't him it was the baby.

"No, no he's just fine. He's with Evie at the house. She's helping him clean out Viv's old room and get rid of some stuff. If things go the way he plans with the army…."

"Is that what's getting to you? The thought of him leaving?" it was, she confessed, but that wasn't the reason for her visit. "I heard a little rumour about the baby's father…."

"It's Johnny Arliss'….."

"Yeah, yeah that was the general gist I'd gotten."

"Fin I really don't know who else to talk to about this. I've thought about it. I've thought about precious little else for weeks. Olivia always told me I could talk to her but I can't go to her with this."

"You can trust me Texas. You have my word anything you say in this room is in confidence."

"I just….. the thing is that…."

"Take your time…." said Fin quietly, searching the young girl's face and seeing a whole lifetime of troubles pour out of it.

"I can't do it."

"Do what, sweetheart?"

"I work crazy hours. Round the clock. Doubles, back to backs, just to eat and make rent. I can't afford health insurance. I can't afford child care when I'm at work. I haven't got the first clue where I'm gonna find the money for clothes and diapers and the million and one other things that this baby is going to need."

"I'm listening."

"I've been fooling myself thinking that I can make this work but it just isn't going to."

"You know there are people who can help? There are tonnes of girls all over this city in your shoes and there's help out there. You're looking at where to start asking. Ask me. What can I do? How can I make this easier for you? As a cop, as a friend, me and Mel we're here. We'll do what we can."

"And that is so sweet and so very kind of you. Maybe even too kind I don't know. I don't deserve it. I got myself into this. It wasn't rape; it wasn't Johnny taking advantage of me like he did that other girl. I was just lonely. I was desperate and lonely and I was mad as hell at Calvin for falling in love with Evie in a way he never did with me so I slept with his cousin. I knew what I was doing. I knew it would hurt him but I did it anyway. I wanted him to hurt the way I did. This is my punishment."

"No, no it…."

"But I can't let it be hers too. I can't let this child pay for my mistakes. All those times I heard Calvin speak about how we couldn't let this kid grow up the way we did he was right. He was completely right. I let him talk and I let him convince me that we could raise the kid together but it was selfish and I knew that. I couldn't let him commit to raising a kid that isn't his with a woman that isn't the one he wants. It'd be a curse on both of us."

"Oh girl, girl you got all kinds of pain going on haven't you?" mumbled Fin, shaking his head sadly and reaching a light hand to her wrist.

"Only now it's just me. Vivian is gone and soon he will be too. He'll be in the army and I'll be alone. Alone raising a baby I can't afford to keep alive."

"Texas we will figure out a way to….."

"I don't want my daughter to grow up in the gutter the way I did."

"Wow…." mouthing the word Fin felt his stomach drop and his heart twist.

"Calvin was _dragged _up by a mother who was just so desperate and poor and lonely and broken and beaten down by life that she had nothing left to give him. She tried, she did, by God I watched her struggle trying to love that boy but it was no good. She had nothing left. Life had just sucked the insides right out of her."

"What are you saying, honey? Because you are a smart, smart girl who knows her own mind and you didn't come here to cry on my shoulder. That isn't you. You're a fighter. You're a doer. Why'd you pick me not Liv?"

"Because I'm ashamed."

"Hon….."

"For a while I tried to convince myself that I could do this. That one day my daughter would talk about me like Evie talks about her mom but it's just not going to happen. If I keep this baby then one day it will look at me the way Calvin looked at Vivian. It wasn't love it was pity. It was shame and disappointment and betrayal and I can't do that to my child. I can't do what Viv did to him. I won't."

"Texas….."

"And what I'm afraid that Olivia wouldn't be able to understand is that I love my daughter, I do, but if I keep her then she will become like me and I can't let that happen. I can't let her end up like this…" covering her face with her hands a moment Texas choked a sob, then rallying enough to speak she cleared her throat and met Fin's eyes, "… so will you help me? Will you help me give her a fighting chance at a real life, a better life, a **good** life? Please Fin?"

* * *

"Who was it?" asked Eve, sitting upright in Calvin's bed and holding the sheet over her chest, "Not my Mom? She isn't supposed to be here for at least another couple of hours."

"No, no relax it was just a courier delivering this."

"What is it?" she asked, as he climbed back into bed beside her and she snuggled up against his chest into her usual nook. "Who's it from?"

"The US Army."

"Oh my God….." she mouthed, turning her face into his chest and pressing a kiss against his skin, "… it's your letter. It's their answer. Open it?"

"I can't."

"Course you can."

"Bambi you don't get it. My whole life depends on what's in this envelope. It changes everything." After that they sat in quiet for a few moments. He squeezed at her waist, dragging her a little closer into him and kissing at her hair. She tugged the sheet up over them, as if it somehow shielded them from the world. As if it could hold back the inevitable.

"Cal whatever happens it's just how it's meant to me. I believe that. I really do. If it's a 'no' then you'll figure something else out. You'll stay in New York and you'll maybe work your way up at the repair shop. Maybe you'll get a shop of your own one day. You can fix this place up with Texas and see her baby grow up and it'll be great. If that's what's meant to happen then that letter will say you didn't get in."

"And if it's not?"

"Then it'll be a 'yes' they're writing with. Then you were meant to be a solider."

"Will _you _open it?" he asked, holding out the envelope as though it were his heart in hand.

"You sure you want me to?" she breathed, almost unable to force in air as he nodded slowly and she took it from him. Allowing the sheet to fall down around her waist she turned around, knelt facing him, naked and raw. This was their moment. Sitting together in the afterglow of the greatest intimacy two people could experience she opened the envelope and scanned the letter.

"Well?" he asked, reaching his arms around her and stroking at the soft, warmth of her back while attempting to find her eyes. He knew they'd answer the question before her mouth did.

"I love you."

"Evie…."

"So much."

"Eve!" he groaned, shaking his head and pouring over her face because suddenly he had no idea what her tears meant.

"You were meant to be a solider….." she whispered, crunching the letter in her hand as she threw her arms around his neck and hugged him tight, "… they want you Cal, they want you to take your oath. You did it. You're in."

"Don't cry, baby."

"I'm not crying….." she said, as tears slid quietly down both cheeks and he kissed them quickly away, tasting their salt on his tongue, "… I'm not crying."

"Bambi….." he mouthed, reaching to her face and holding it in his rough hand as he leant forward and kissed her softly, "… it's okay."

"I'm fine….." she whispered, stroking at the nape of his neck and pressing her forehead against his.

"Come here….." crushing her into his chest he folded his arms around her, their bodies fusing warm skin on skin as he stroked at her bare back and she buried her face in his neck.

"I guess I'm gonna have to share you with the army now, huh?" whispering hotly against his neck she lifted her face to his and found his mouth again with her kisses.

"You sure you're okay?" he asked, nuzzling his nose against hers and seeking assurance, "We okay?"

"Yeah"

"Yeah?" he pushed, because if she wasn't, if they weren't, then the letter meant nothing to him. He had to have her blessing. "You think you can love a solider?"

"Yes, yeah, yeah I think I can….." she replied, smiling lovingly, smiling with her eyes, "… you did good, baby."

"First time for everything, huh?" chuckled Calvin to himself, tilting his head from side to side and shrugging.

"Cal?" she said quietly, waiting for his eyes on hers before clearing her throat and finding her voice, "I am **so **proud of you."

* * *

"Elliot? El? Hey, hey wake up?"

"What? What is it?" came the chuntering, chortling response as Elliot yawned himself awake and squinted up at Olivia from the pillow, "What? Is the house on fire or something?"

"No…."

"The kids in trouble?"

"No!"

"So why in the heck are you awake in the middle of the night?"

"I can't sleep."

"So, what, neither can I?" he teased, mildly disgruntled as he hauled himself up from the pillow and rubbed a hand over his face and across the top of his now barely hair covered head. "Are we gonna need coffee for this?"

"Well I've still got wine but….." she smirked, though in truth she hadn't touched the half empty glass of red on the bedside table in hours.

"What's on your mind, babe?" reaching for her hand he curled his fingers around it and turned his head. "Talk to me."

"I chatted to Evie on the drive home from Calvin's…" said Olivia quietly, playing with the tassels of her pyjama pants with her free hand, "… it's official. He's going in. One raise of his right hand and that little boy I once knew will be a soldier."

"He's not a kid anymore."

"None of them are El. I swear to God I blinked and they just, they just grew up. Over night. In a heartbeat. I watched Sam wheel himself into that school on Monday morning and it felt like the beginning of the end."

"Liv…."

"It all went too damn fast. One minute they're just all tiny fingers and toes in my arms and next they're grown. They're people with hopes and dreams and opinions and whole lives opening up in front of them. I just feel like I need more time. I need more time to hold them. To hold onto them and to tell them all the things I haven't gotten chance to think of yet. I'm not ready to let my babies go yet."

"Oh babe, babe come here….." sighed Elliot, reaching an arm around her shoulders and drawing her in, "… come here."

"Did I miss it?" came a sudden choke as he held her against his chest and Olivia winced painfully, "Their childhoods? Did I miss too much? When I'm sat here trying to figure out why I feel like this is it because I wasn't there enough?"

"No, no of course you…."

"Don't you dare patronize me Elliot I want you to be honest. I need that from you. I need you to tell me what I don't want to hear."

"I am being honest Olivia."

"I'm scared to death that this whole time I thought I had it balanced I didn't at all. I'm starting to think that I won't ever get all those moments back that I missed. All those nights I worked late, PTA meetings I couldn't go to. All the times I was with my detectives when I should have been with my kids."

"Liv this is just the middle of the night talking. I swear to you it is. You didn't miss a thing. Our kids know they come first. They have _always _known that. You think Eve wants to go to college and get herself an education and a career because she watched the soccer moms arranging spa days at car pool? You think Sammy has had the strength to get through what he's gotten through because of me? Crap. Total crap."

"Elliot I want to have the conversation."

"Seriously?" he swallowed, knowing she would never dream of bluffing this particular hand.

"It isn't just the middle of the night talking….." she said with a quiet, considered gravel to her voice and looking over at him with dark eyes she added, "…not this time."

"Okay, okay I hear you."

"Right now, right now even though it's 4am on a Sunday night I need to have the conversation…" she continued slowly, her hand still clutched tightly in his as she held his gaze and swallowed, "…. is that okay? Can we do this?"

"Yeah, yeah it is. We can do this. Let's do this. If you feel like it's time then so do I. If you're there then I'm there with you."

"I feel nauseous."

"You're alright, it's okay, I'm right here…" he soothed, reaching his free hand to her chin and holding it as he leant over and kissed her softly, "… we've always known we'd get to this place one day. We've known it was coming a long time. We're in it together. I got your six."

"Okay then….." she nodded slowly, holding her breath a moment and closing her eyes.

"You sure?" he tested; because they both knew once she said it out loud the conversation had started. The conversation that would lead to the closing of a chapter. The conversation he had promised her a long time ago that they would have just the second she was ready. And so then, sat together in their bed under the dark cover of a Sunday night and the reassuring quiet of a Monday morning the previously unthinkable finally came to pass.

"I'm sure. It's time. I've gone over and over it in my head; in my heart. I have less than a year left with Evie before college and our son needs his mother, all of her, all the time. I want to talk about what happens when I'm not Captain Stabler anymore. I want to talk about life after SVU…" holding his hand so tight her knuckles whitened she looked to him, trusted him, with her heart, with her very soul and nodded, "…. I want to talk retirement El."


	40. If The Fates Allow

"Oh sweetheart it is going to take more than flowers."

"They're her favourites."

"They are…." smiled Olivia, unable to help but melt at the lopsided smile and shaggy haired trite stood on her doorstep with a bouquet of white roses. "Look I'm on her side by default but from what I can tell she was on the other end of this fight you two are in."

"Can I just talk to her?" asked Calvin, shifting his weight between feet and meeting Olivia's eyes as he pulled a face, "Please?"

"Are the pair of you going to actually talk this time?" she asked, recalling the chaos that had ensued the previous day. "Or just scream and throw things and chase each other around my kitchen? Because I have to tell you Calvin if it'd been Elliot here and not me last night things would've gotten really ugly."

"I know."

"That said I'm well aware you weren't the one doing the screaming or the throwing….." conceding with a strange pride that her daughter was more than capable of using her voice and her fists Olivia rolled her eyes. She loved Calvin and, despite the voices in her head, her heart had a fond intuition that he and Eve would find their way back to one another time and time again. "Look, sweetheart, can I give you some advice? Something you might want to bear in mind before we ring the bell for round two?"

"Yeah?" he didn't want to fight with Eve. He just wasn't about to pander to her either. That didn't do her justice and he respected her more than that.

"She's just scared, sweetie. She's overwhelmed. Her little world is changing and moving forward faster than her feet can run and keep up with. You're not the only one she's being a royal pain in the ass to. You should see Elliot trying to teach her to drive. I'm not sure they're both going to make it out alive."

"It's my fault Livia."

"She had no right to yell those things she did at you…." noted Olivia, feeling it important that he heard her acknowledge as much. Eve knew just where to find his Achilles heel and just how to strike it. That was the double edged sword of knowing someone as intimately as her daughter now knew this boy.

"I was supposed to be there. I promised I'd go watch her cheer and I should've called when work had me stay late. That was my bad."

"She knows she's not being reasonable. She knows she's overreacting but she's just too stubborn and embarrassed to admit it. It's not about you missing one football game. It's about her running out of time. It's about her knowing that there are only so many games left before she graduates."

"I get it."

"I thought I heard you….." came a voice from behind them as Eve wandered down the hallway and came to stand beside Olivia, "… what do you want?"

"Evie!" admonished Olivia, all for her daughter standing her ground and fighting her corner she would not stand for rudeness. She had raised Eve better than how she was currently treating Calvin.

"Bambi I have something I wanna say….." said Calvin, not caring in the least that Olivia was still stood there as he spoke directly to Eve, "… you wanna hear me out?"

"White roses….." chewing her cheek, twisting her mouth Eve narrowed her eyes and reached for the flowers, "….I love white roses."

"I know you do….." said Calvin, and it didn't take a mother's instinct to know that a ceasefire was imminent.

"What'd you wanna say?" asked Eve as Olivia backed away slowly and watched the pair of them with fascination.

It was captivating. The tension, the sparks, the way it somehow felt to her as though on the one hand she was watching the first chapter unfold on the other she had already read the book's last line. There was something there. Something that she sensed even in its tender, fragile, teenage form was built to last. It was that same feeling that she had had in the pit of her stomach the first time Don Cragen had introduced her to the bull headed Detective Stabler. It hadn't had a name, she had been unable to explain it and she had no idea the depth of its roots but looking back she could identify it simply as destiny.

"I've been an ass and you've been a pain in the ass but I love you and I hate fighting with you so can we please just get past this already?"

"Cal…." said Eve quietly, feeing relief was from the tips of her toes to the twinkle that glistened in her eyes when they met his.

"I'm sorry I missed the game. I'm sorry I didn't call."

"I'm sorry I overreacted…" she smiled tentatively, before wrinkling her nose and cracking her face to a wide grin, "… and I'm sorry I was such a bitch to you about it."

"So can we please just be friends again?" he asked, as Olivia quietly slipped into the kitchen and pushed the door too. Nodding with a contented smile she heard the laugh in Eve's voice as she answered

"Maybe…."

"Shut up, shut up, here, come here….." taking back the flowers Calvin held them over Eve's head out of reach with one hand and grabbed at her waist with the other, pulling her in and kissing her gently, "… come here."

"They're my flowers!" she giggled, rising on barefoot tiptoes and attempting to reach the bouquet. "They're for me!"

"Are we done fighting?" he tested, narrowing green blue eyes.

"Nope…." she snorted candidly, displaying an honest wisdom beyond her years and a profound faith in them, "… we're not even _close_ to being done fighting Arliss."

"Huh…." he smirked, acknowledging the truth.

"But I wanna fight you forever….." taking his breath away she jumped up, seized back her roses and then kissed him hard and murmured, "…. I love you, baby."

"Did I hear Tarzan's lazy drawl out there?" asked Elliot, coming in from the yard as Olivia poured herself a coffee and looked at him with an expression he couldn't read. She hadn't deliberately overheard the end of the teenagers' conversation but the house was uncharacteristically quiet that evening and Eve wasn't exactly known for her demure, whispered tones.

"Babe I gotta tell you I don't think that this thing between those two is gonna burn out the way we thought it might."

"What? Mouse and Hercules?" asked Elliot, sinking his teeth into an apple and raising his forehead curiously.

"You should've heard what she said just now Elliot….."

"I thought they were in a fight? She was doing her best Mouse pout this morning saying how he was an ass and an idiot and he made her madder than any person on the whole, entire stinking planet. That last part was a direct quote, in case you were wondering."

"That is exactly my point."

"Then I'm sorry babe but you've lost me..." rooting around in the fridge for a more satisfying snack Elliot waited for her to explain. She didn't. Instead there was a moment of quiet before Olivia stated bluntly.

"You're an ass."

"Hey!" extracting his head at speed from the refrigerator Elliot frowned. "What'd I do to deserve that?"

"You're an idiot, sweetheart…." shrugged Olivia, her eyes adoring him over the rim of her coffee mug as she took a sip, "… you make _me_ madder than any person on the whole, entire stinking planet."

"Uh-oh…." leaning against the now closed fridge door he held a mouthful of apple against the roof of his mouth and, reading between the lines, felt a light bulb ping on. It was blinding.

"Yeah, yeah no kidding uh-oh is right. If he was just pretty eyes a good jawline I wouldn't give it a second thought. If she was telling me how he's just perfect and every single thing in the garden is rosy that would be one thing but she isn't. This isn't a high school crush, Elliot. This isn't a flash in the pan this thing has roots. The kind of roots that might just be tough enough to withstand graduation and college and the US Army….."

"Are you seriously saying you think there's a chance our baby girl is going to wind up with Tarzan out there some day?" he sighed, shaking his head and closing his eyes with a groaning despair. "Is that what you're saying to me right now?"

"Are you saying that you disagree? Only I'm not seeing signs of this thing going away and trust me when I say I'm watching it like a hawk. You've heard her. He drives her nuts. He's grouchy and monosyllabic and angry and he can match her round on round on round when she tries to fight with him. Remind you of anyone?"

"I can't imagine what you mean….." blue eyes sparked impishly as he flashed his wife a mischievous grin, "…. I'm an absolute delight."

"Those two kids have been through more together in a year than some marriages go through in twenty and they're still stuck like glue. Brace yourself, babe. That's all I'm saying."

* * *

"Hold on Texas, you just hang on in there for me sweetheart. You're doing great. You're doing so, so good sweetie. Just a little longer, just a little longer and it'll all be over."

"One last push honey! One last push and you can meet your baby girl!"

"Look at me? Texas? Texas look at me…." insisted Olivia, keeping one hand firmly knotted in Texas' and reaching to her clammy face with the other, "… look me in the eye and remember what we're doing here. Remember why you're doing this. It isn't for nothing, sweetheart. It is **not** for nothing and you can do this. You've made it this far don't you dare give up on her now."

"Okay, okay I'm okay, I can do it….." nodding quickly, Texas grabbed tighter at Olivia's hand on her right and Melinda's on her left and bore down hard.

"You did it, honey. She's here and she's perfect!"

"Breathe sweetheart, breathe….." came Olivia's calm, honey whispers into her ear as Texas collapsed against the maternal older woman's chest in exhaustion.

"Ten fingers, ten toes, you did good. Are you gonna give us a little hello, baby girl? Are you gonna let us hear your lungs?"

"No!" came the blood curdling yelp, a plea, a desperate wail from the birthing mother who sank her nails into Olivia's arm in panic and stared at her with wild and frantic eyes.

"Hey! Hey Texas you're alright, you're okay…. " letting go of her hand and putting both arms around the terrified young woman Olivia held her fast and firm against her chest. She could not even begin to imagine the kind of agony Texas must have been in in that moment.

"Don't let her cry!"

"She doesn't want to hold her…." said Melinda, nodding instructively at the midwife who held the beautiful infant wriggling in her arms.

"Please? I'm begging you? Please don't let her cry?" panting breathlessly Texas looked between the two women flanking her and then straight ahead at the midwife. "Don't let her cry?"

"Sweetheart…." softly, tentatively, Olivia attempted to be the voice of tough love.

"I can't. I can't hear her cry. If I do…." remembering this moment, those first few seconds of Eve's life and how it had felt as though the world was spinning too fast Olivia nodded slowly.

Feeling Texas' pain in every muscle of her body she murmured soothing, reassurances and indicated that the midwife should do as she requested and take the child away. She could picture the overwhelming, the rush of hormones and emotion and fire that had coursed through her veins when they had first lain Eve in her arms. That moment she had first cried for her mother. She remembered feeling that they had a mountain to climb, that it was going to be a long and exhausting road but that they were going to walk it together. That come what may that little girl lying against her chest was a part of her forever. She understood why Texas was asking what she was. Looking to Melinda she met the ME's eyes and shared that understanding.

"Darling what if I stay here with you?" said Melinda, stroking at Texas' hair and finding a compromise, "What if we stay here together and we let Olivia go with the baby?"

"Promise you won't leave her? I don't care who it is. If it's you or your husband or Evie or Calvin but someone needs to stay with her. I don't want her to _ever_ be alone. I don't want her to be scared or….." still clutching at Olivia's arm Texas beseeched, "… just promise me someone will be with her until her parents get here?"

"I promise you. I **promise** you Texas…." from one mother to another Olivia made a solemn vow and smiled to seal it, "… we won't let her out of our sight. We'll stay with her."

"Please, ma'am, I want her to take the baby. I don't want to look at it. I don't want to hold her I just want you to give her to Olivia. She's a police officer…" and then lifting dark eyes Texas looked up at he midwife and smiled weakly, "… she's my friend."

"Honey are you sure you don't even want to…."

"Her parents are on the next flight out of Madison."

"We're gonna take care of her…." said Olivia resolutely, peeling her arm from Texas' grip and taking control of the situation, "… we're going to sit with her until they arrive."

"Thank you, thank you and tell Cal I…." falling quiet Texas couldn't complete her sentence. Looking between the two older women she could only hope they understood.

"You don't have to tell him a thing, sweetheart. He gets it, he knows…." in truth Olivia had no idea how Calvin was handling this situation, but she trusted him to do so with enough grace not to make this near impossible decision any harder for his friend, "… he's right here. He's outside and he understands why you didn't want him in here. I'll go talk to him now. I'll stay with him and with your baby. I'll look after them for you Texas. I promise."

"And I'm going to stay right here, right here with you…." nodded Melinda, stroking a clump of damp bangs from Texas' eyes and then holding her face with a maternal warmth that acted on the young girl like a tonic.

* * *

"I could've taken care of her Evie."

"I know you could."

"All her tiny fingers and toes and big bug eyes. She's got Texas' eyes, her nose, and her chin. She's got her chin. There's not a scrap of Johnny in this kid. She's all Tex."

"Cal…."

"I know we gotta let her go. That these milk people from Wisconsin are her parents or whatever but she's an Arliss….." he had never experienced anything close to what he felt for that tiny child in his arms, and feeling her wriggling against his chest Calvin suddenly lost the ability to filter his heart and it spoke suddenly, "… she's family."

"Yeah, yeah she is."

"I would never have let her know. I would never have let it touch her. Where she'd come from, where she'd started out. It wouldn't have mattered, not for one second. I'd have made sure of it."

"I believe that…." whispered Eve, stroking at his thigh and realising she believed it in her bones. Calvin would've taken care of this child. He would've protected her against hellfire and Armageddon without hesitation. That was who he was.

"I just hope she knows she was wanted….." and suddenly a hard choke wracked Calvin's bulky frame and it choked his words. Eyes widening Eve leapt to her feet, throwing her arms around his neck and hugging his face tight into her chest. She felt his pain. When he hurt, she hurt. "I should be just a God given right Eve. Every kid should breathe it. That they're wanted, that someone just fucking loves the crap out of them."

"Her parents want her so badly, baby. They do. Remember all the things Texas has said about them. How they've been trying for a kid for years, how desperate they are to have one and how deeply they will love her. She'll have it all. Everything she wants and needs and doesn't even know she wants or needs yet….." stroking at his hair, his face, holding his cheek against her Eve swallowed with a fragile smile, "…and they _will _love the crap out of her."

"I miss her."

"Who?" asked Eve, as he gently coaxed her down into his lap and tucking the now sleeping new born ever so carefully into the crook of one arm he put the other around her. "Your mom?"

"You ever wonder what you're life would've been like? You know, like, if things had turned out different? If you'd turned right instead of left."

"Sometimes I think about if my Mom had never told my Dad about me. Would I have been raised by David Hayden? Would I call him Dad now?"

"If my mom had had Tex's strength I might've grown up in Wisconsin."

"If my mom had fought harder you might've grown up with me."

"Oh gross, no, don't go there Bambi that's just fucking weird."

"But my point is that I'm glad she didn't. I'm not saying that them taking you away from my mom was any less than it was. I know you don't talk much about it but I know how badly it hurt you I just can't help but feel like maybe it was meant to be that way?"

"You reckon?" he asked, finding her warm body hugged against him and her kind words profoundly comforting.

"Look at everything that's happened because of it?" offered Eve, still allowing the thought to resound in her own heart and mind. "If you'd stayed with Mom back then you would've never met Texas for a start. The two of you wouldn't even know each other. Then you'd never have gotten into trouble with Johnny and wound up outside the 16th that day. You wouldn't have found me on the wall."

"I get where you're going with this….." he smiled lovingly, turning his head and pressing a kiss against her jawline.

"So even though this hurts like hell. Even though Texas is in pieces and it's going to be really hard for this little one to understand it all one day maybe it's meant to be. Maybe sixteen years from now she's going to meet some dairy farmer who's all dark and twisty and brooding and way too messed up for her, way too old, just the worst idea she _ever _had….." with that firework smile he so desperately loved Eve closed her eyes, leant in, kissed him and breathed, "… who will change her life. Who she's just meant to meet and to fall in love with and then she'll understand it all. She'll realise that all of this was just fate."

"Livia wouldn't have kept you a secret. She just wouldn't have."

"What?"

"It might've taken them fucking forever to get their shit together but your mom and dad were **always** going to wind up together. Livia wouldn't have done that to him. She's stronger than that: she's better than that. She's better than him."

"Hey that's my Dad you're talking about!"

"Don't give a shit."

"Cal!"

"It was never a question of _if_ she told him it was just when; because she knows the right thing to do and she does it. She's human and it takes her a while when she's running scared or she's trying to protect her little girl but she always gets there in the end. Olivia Benson is the best human being I have ever known. I won't apologise for thinking that she's too good for your Dad I just won't."

"I…."

"Doesn't mean they're not meant to be. Doesn't mean they're not insanely in love. I'm not saying he doesn't make her happy. Hell you're too good for me Evie G so I don't judge a guy for trying to punch above his weight….." hugging an arm around her waist he smiled steadily.

"Well everyone is always telling me I take after my mom so….." arching Olivia's infamous eyebrow Eve rolled her eyes, "… maybe I'll wind up marrying an idiot too."

"Nah, nah you're smarter than that. You're gonna marry some Ivy League mastermind and have tonnes of tiny little blue eyed geniuses."

"I don't know if you've noticed this about me Mr Arliss but I'm not very good at being told what to do. If I want to love and marry and idiot and have tonnes of tiny little blue eyed idiots with him then I will."

"Knock knock?" came the midwife's voice as she entered the room and Calvin and Eve looked up. Outside the glass, where Elliot and Olivia had stood a few moments earlier, were a painfully nervous looking couple who looked to be in their early thirties. She hugged into him, he clung to her. Their eyes were wide and anxious and danced between the midwife and the baby sleeping against Calvin's chest. "Darlings it's time. You've done a truly awesome job of keeping our little one safe and happy but her parents are here and they're just so excited to meet her."

"Did you talk to Texas?" asked Calvin quietly. Lowering his eyes and looking at the sleeping child in his arms. She was Johnny's child, she was Texas' little girl. The little girl he had at one time thought he would see grow up. It felt like a privilege to have known her even for such a short moment in time, even if their lives were only destined to touch briefly.

"Yeah, yeah Steven and Julie have been down and spoken with her birth mother. All the t's have been crossed and i's dotted."

"She doesn't wanna come….." locking his jaw around the word and swallowing so hard against tears he almost choked Calvin mumbled, "…. say goodbye?"

"No, no she's quite sure she doesn't want to….."

"Hi."

"Mom?" asked Eve, on seeing Olivia arrive in the doorway pushing Texas in a wheelchair.

"Guys we're gonna just step outside now, okay?" parking the chair and holding out a hand to her daughter Olivia nodded resolutely. Eve could see she had been crying. She hid it well but the usual black kohl was faded from around her brown eyes and her smile was brave but strained. "Texas just needs a moment."

"Tex?" it wasn't a question, it wasn't an argument or a contradiction it was just the only word Calvin could manage. It was the only sound he could muster as he looked across at his oldest friend's broken expression and tear filled stare.

"Evie?" beckoned Olivia, and Eve moved across the room and jumped like a magnet into her waiting arms.

"We couldn't save your mom, mijo. We couldn't save Viv….." as Calvin go up from his chair and gently set the infant down in her mother's arms Texas nodded peacefully, "… but we _can_ save her."

Hugging both Texas and her new born tight against his chest Calvin knew their friendship was stronger than ever. They would survive this. They knew struggle, they had faced the impossible before and emerged beaten, battered and bruised but resilient. Yes she had betrayed him with Johnny. Yes he had fallen in love with someone else. It didn't matter. All that mattered in that moment was that her daughter was going to know the kind of life they never had.

"Mom…." whispered Eve, burying her face in Olivia's neck and willing herself not to cry.

"I know, baby girl. I know." Said Olivia, humbled beyond belief at Texas' capacity to love and let go with such selfless grace. As beautiful as it was to witness she clung to Eve and Eve clung to her. Though the threat of graduation and college loomed large it was as if, silently, unconsciously in that moment the two reaffirmed their vow that nothing and no one would ever part them. Eve had never felt more a part of her mother than she did watching Texas with her baby.

"I love you Tex….." was all Calvin could say, all he could feel, leaning down he pressed a kiss firmly against Texas' forehead and croaked, "… you're brave and you're beautiful and I fucking love you."

"Cal…." said Eve, when he moved quickly out the door.

"Let him go…." rushed Olivia at a whisper, grabbing at Eve's wrist and grounding her firmly. He needed a minute. He needed to breathe before he exploded. He needed to cry and not have her see his tears. She knew what Eve still had to learn: sometimes loving him was leaving him alone. Eve loved the boy. Olivia had married the man.

* * *

"Baby girl there is a _lot _going on here right now….." releasing the pressure, freeing the bottle neck Olivia held her daughter's shoulders and looked her dead in the eye, ".. talk to me?"

"I'm fine."

Having insisted that they step outside to take some air Olivia handed her daughter a cup of coffee and sighed, "Evie you're not fine."

"It's just so….." lowering her eyes Eve felt herself finally exhale after what felt like hours.

"Yeah, yeah it is. I know it is. You don't have to pretend that this isn't all really intense, babe. This is a lot for all of us to take in. I've got thirty years on you, kid, and it is killing me watching Texas go through this."

"Yeah?" tested Eve, having feared she would appear childish if she confessed to how deeply affected she felt by the day's events.

"Baby I've had four decades of experience dealing with situations like this and even now it still gets to me. Of course this one is harder because it's Calvin but watching a mother give up her child is just brutal. It doesn't matter that it's what she wants. It doesn't matter that she's made a choice and she's sure it's the right one for her. It's heart breaking. I need you to know that it's okay to be upset Evie. I need you to know you can talk to me about all of this."

"I can talk to you about anything….." said Eve.

"Damn right you can, now get your jacket and purse."

"I have to find Cal? I have to…."

"No, no you don't baby girl. You need a time out. Calvin will be just fine, he's got this. Texas needs a friend like she's never needed one before right now and your boy is going to be just that. He's going to be her rock tonight and you and I are going home."

"But….."

"I won't argue with you Evie G. I'm playing the mom card….." incredibly proud of Eve's unwavering support for Calvin and the maturity she had shown Olivia was equally determined in her decision to call time, "… go get your things. You are exhausted and I'm taking you home."

"Okay…." nodded Eve, making to go back inside before turning back and adding, "… I love you. I'm really lucky you're my momma."

"I'm the lucky one Evie G."

* * *

"Can I talk to you?"

"That sounds serious….." smiled Olivia, who had recently returned from a rare full day at the 16th and was making herself a bagel in the kitchen. "Bad day? Did Calvin call? He said he'd update me on how Texas was."

"He actually came over earlier. She sent you flowers…." gesturing into the living room to the stunning bouquet on the coffee table Elliot handed her an envelope, "…they had this note attached."

"Did he say how she was doing?" as she wandered into the lounge he followed her with his hands in his jean pockets.

"The baby's on her way 'home' to Wisconsin. He didn't mention much about how mom was doing. Then again Tarzan isn't exactly a man of words so…."

"I want a follow up psyche consult I don't care how hard she fights. I'll sit in with her if I have to. Also I was thinking of having her speak with Detective Taylor. She never knew Amanda but Georgia's turned out great so maybe there's something in that?"

"That's actually not a bad idea."

"I mean her parents have taken a good decade to warm up to the idea of her being gay but we'll probably just skip over that part."

"Liv we need to put the whole retirement thing back on the table…." said Elliot bluntly. He had been trying to find a more indirect way of saying it for several days but instead he now took the bull by the horns. Though over a month had passed since they had first reopened the discussion no decisions had been made and he now realised there was a reason for that.

"What?" she asked, looking up from the handwritten note Texas had sent. "Why?"

"Because of that…." nodding to the words she hadn't read yet Elliot fell quiet. Opening up the envelope she began to read blithely at first, before sobering to a teary choke, "Dear Olivia, how do I even begin to write this note? Without you I wouldn't have had the courage to meet my daughter. Without you I wouldn't have had the strength to let her go ….." voice breaking she couldn't bear to look at Elliot for fear of completely breaking down and so she simply looked at the wall and breathed. He took the card from her and continued to read.

"I have watched you touch Calvin's life and now you have touched mine. You are patient, you are kind, you are brave and most of all you do not judge a person by their mistakes but by their willingness to change. You make those around you better…" reaching to her shoulder Elliot finished, "…and from one mother to another, thank you."

"She is one hell of a woman….."

"You're one hell of a woman Liv."

"Elliot…." self-effacing she tossed her eyes dismissively.

"Nah, no you need to hear it. It doesn't get said nearly enough. You run this show. You are the heart and the soul of this family and that squad. You're the glue. You're my wife and you're mom to Mouse and to Sam but you're mom to a million other kids all over this city. The way Calvin trusts you? The call Texas made when she went into labour?"

"What are you saying, babe?" she asked, effortlessly able to detect when he was building his way to an exquisitely executed point. He knew her. It was painful and breath taking and beautiful and she loved him so deeply in that moment as he said that which she had been afraid to acknowledge even to herself.

"I'm saying that helping these kids? Helping those women? Being the _one _person who believes they can change, who believes in them? The one person who **always** picks up the phone. It isn't just what you do….." reaching to her face he stroked at her cheek, tipping his head and shrugging tenderly Elliot smiled, "… it's who you are."

"But me retiring was about being able to spend more time with Sammy. He needs me too. And Evie? She's going through all this stuff and she thinks she's just so grown up but…."

"So maybe you're just not Captain anymore? Maybe you take a year off? Maybe you find a job that lets you work part time and I ramp up my hours to pay the bills. I don't know. I don't have the answer. All I know is that going cold turkey? Flat out retirement? I'm just not sure it's the right thing for you. I might be wrong but I just have this gut feeling that it's a mistake and that we need to talk this through a whole lot more before we take it outside of the two of us."

"I agree."

"Yeah?" he asked having, just for a minute, doubted whether he had correctly judged the situation.

"I can't talk about it right now…." she said, speaking with exhausted brutal honesty and a loving smile as she patted his chest tenderly, "… but you're not wrong."

"I love you."

"I love you too, babe…." murmured Olivia, leaning in and kissing him softly before sliding her arms around his waist and hugging him close, "… I love you too."


	41. Time Can't Erase A Feeling This Strong

"Please, please, please don't let go! Don't drop me! Argh! Don't you drop me Calvin Arliss!"

"Bambi relax I got you….." holding onto her sneaker with both hands, his arms outstretched as she stood pencil straight and tall in the air above him, "… hey this is actually not a bad view down here if you weren't so damn heavy."

"Hey! And I am not heavy!"

"You good yet?"

"You know there are usually at least three more pairs of hands holding me when I do this so…."

"I'm gonna catch you, ready?" the second she answered he let go of her sneaker and took a small step back, held out broad arms and caught her effortlessly as she dropped.

"You wanna come do that for me Saturday?" she grinned, a little breathless as he set her feet back down on the grass. "I'll tell the girls? I recruited someone new to help me fly?"

"You got this Evie G, you don't need anyone else. It's in the bag. Trust me I've studied a lot of cheerleaders and you got game, baby."

"I'm just gonna take that at face value…." she smiled, rolling her eyes, "…not really think too much on it."

"Probably for the best."

"Calvin!" running at him her light weight simply bounced right off his broad frame and body increasingly in shape for when the call came to boot camp. Grabbing at her he rolled her into the crook of his elbow, a strong grip around her waist as he tucked her under his arm and carried her at a run to the end zone as though she were a pigskin and he was sixteen again.

"And there he goes straight down right field! The Titan defense doesn't stand a chance!"

"Cal I can't breathe! You're such an idiot!"

"He fights off a feeble attempt at a block but they're no match! He's in! He's in! 26! Arliss is home! Touch down! Touch down!" sliding down into the grass in such a way that he hit the ground first, and she had him to fall onto Calvin laughed raucously to himself.

"You miss it don't you?"

"Sometimes….." he shrugged, as she lay on his chest and rested her chin on folded arms.

"You're gonna come Saturday, right? To regionals? Only I know sometimes you have to work and I get that, I do, but I did tell you weeks ago and…."

"Eve I'll be there…" there were rare moments in which he used her name in its purest form and it was always an indication of the gravity of whatever followed after it, "… you know I will. I messed up once but I will be there to watch you cheer regionals. You can count on it. You can count on me."

"I know I can….." she smiled, her eyes batting lazily as she stared up at him and then rolled off of him and laid flat on her back looking up at the clouds.

"Bambi?" he said quietly, so softly she didn't hear.

"My Mom used to lie with us for hours making shapes out of the clouds. Look how clear it is up there. Even though it's so late in the fall it's like summer up there. See that one there? It looks like a teddy bear….." lifting her hand up from the grass she extended her index finger and traced the outline of the fluffy white vapor, "… look it's a little bear."

"You're a little bear."

"What?"

"I have no idea….." he shrugged, smiling with faraway eyes as he reached up for her hand and interlaced his fingers gently in hers. "I dunno. No clue."

"Cal?" she asked gently. He was just saying words, any words, to avoid the ones he knew she didn't want to hear. She recognized it in his pained expression. "What is it? What don't you want to tell me?"

"I thought we'd have more time Evie. It's just all kinda happening faster than I'd realised it would. I'm sorry about that."

"What is?" she asked, hauling herself up from the grass and raking bits of it out of her ponytail. "What's happening faster than you thought?"

"After I take the oath in three weeks they want me to go straight to basic."

"Already?"

"I could defer but…."

"No, no you can't. You have no real reason to."

"I have you….." he replied quickly, sitting up and reaching for her other hand, holding both of them tight to pull her up from the grass, "… you're a real reason Bambi."

"I love you for saying that but no I'm not." Whether they liked it or not life was rolling on without gathering moss and their relationship was no longer the sun around which they were to orbit. "Where will they send you?"

"Fort Jackson…" he swallowed, and then because she was yet to familiarize herself with this brave new world he was entering into he added geographical clarification, "…. it's Columbia, South Carolina."

"I couldn't even pin that on a map."

"North of Charleston south of Charlotte….." his initial instinct had been to tease, to mock her, but he couldn't, not when she was giving him those heartbreak baby blues.

"Okay, so, far then? There isn't someplace they can train you that's closer to New York?"

"Evie…."

"I want you to go. I do, really. I mean I don't. I hate it but it's the right thing. It's what you have to do. It's just that it feels like…" lowering her eyes her voice cracked to a squeak, "… like everything's ending."

"Everyone feels like that in their senior year, baby. It's not just you. It's not just us…." attempting to divide the sadness they felt from the sadness anyone their age felt was almost impossible, but he felt it was important to at least offer up the perspective, "… you're whole life is changing. It is. That's not in your head. Don't think you can't be scared because you can. Anyone would be figuring out how to say goodbye to all this."

"But Cal what if we're not supposed to end? What if we're only just beginning? I feel like we are. Don't you? Don't you feel like we're only just getting started…." she spoke softly, but with the kind of presence of mind and awareness of heart that she would just not have been capable of a year earlier, "… is it just me? I can say goodbye to high school, to New York, to this life I've known and it's sad and it's terrifying but I know that it's right. It's the right thing for me."

"I know it is too….." and then meeting her eyes he tilted his head, narrowed his eyes and twisted his lips to a smile, "… but no, no Evie G the answer to your question is no. It's not just you."

"I know you have to go to Fort Jackson. I know I have to go to Brown. I just also know that saying goodbye to you will never feel right Calvin….." hugging him tight she vowed, "… it just won't. Not ever."

"Maybe it's not even goodbye anyways? Maybe it's just see you later, see you soon…." but despite his gentle smile and words of comfort she felt deeply ill at ease. This had all seemed so possible on paper, in theory, and now faced with the heartbreaking reality she was far less sure.

* * *

"How you doing?"

"I'm okay."

"I brought you a few things. I remember how just completely all over the place I was those first few weeks. It's nothing really. Just some basics and a then a few treats….." as the two women entered the Arliss kitchen Olivia smiled warmly at Texas, "… candy, chocolate, a little ice cream. Crappy day food."

"I've really been leaning toward crappy day vodka and cigarettes….." laughed Texas with a grim, cut glass tragedy to her voice as she opened up the door onto the porch and sparked up, "… but thanks, thank you. You didn't have to do that but I appreciate it."

"Sweetheart I heard that you were refusing any follow up counseling….." began Olivia tentatively, taking a seat beside the young girl who she could see was lightly trembling, "… you probably don't need me to tell you that that's not such a great idea."

"I will always be grateful to you for helping me. What you did, how kind you were. I can't ever repay you. Only you're done now. You're off the hook, off the clock. The baby is safe and home in Wisconsin and….."

"And what about you Texas?" watching Texas drag deep on her cigarette and then pour herself a generous measure of vodka Olivia swallowed hard. "I'm not done. I am not nearly done, sweetheart. I didn't get into this to just walk away the moment they took the baby. I'm here. I am here."

"Olivia…."

"You can refuse therapy that's your choice. They can't make you talk to them but I can. I can make you talk to me. You need someone on your side Texas. You**deserve** someone on your side and I'm not going anywhere. However dark it is in that head of yours trust me I've seen darker. You can't scare me, you can't shock me, you can't do or say anything that will make me leave….." pursing her lips Olivia leant forward, wrapping a hand around the glass clutched in Texas' tight grip and removing it slowly, "… other than that you don't want me here."

"I still have milk."

"What's that, sweetheart?"

"I was at the store yesterday and I just felt the strangest thing. I couldn't figure it out. It was like drowning. Then I realized that this woman next to me had a newborn and he was crying and crying and….." moving a hand to her chest, still swollen with new motherhood Texas' eyes filled and her words choked, "… I still have milk."

"You know we can help with that. You can talk to your doctor or you can just talk to me. We can get you a pump and in time it'll just…."

"Dry up?" offered Texas, stubbing out a cigarette and staring disconsolately at Olivia. "Like she never even existed, it'll just be gone. Gone the way she is."

"This isn't going to get better right away. It just isn't. What you did, the choice you made. It's the hardest one you will ever have to make. All those feelings and emotions and instincts you're feeling are going to have to go somewhere. They won't just go away. I just need for you to try and help you to put them somewhere _other _than into that bottle of vodka."

"I did the right thing Olivia. I know I did. I see Calvin and I know that. I look at myself in the mirror and I know that my choice was the right one for her."

"Those people in Wisconsin are going to love your baby, Texas. They are, they are, just so much. They're going to love her and support her and give her everything she wants and needs. There won't be one single day of that little girl's life where she ever doubts that she is loved and wanted and that she has a home. That she has a safe place to run to."

"You sound like you know what it's like to not have that Olivia."

"I _know_ you know what it's like."

"You really think she'll understand? You think she'll forgive me?"

"I think that it would be really good for you to talk to Detective Taylor, sweetie. I know you're reluctant. I know you think it'll be awkward or uncomfortable but trust me she won't. She's pretty straightforward. She's a great detective and a really great person and she knows what it's like to be on the other side of the door. It might at least help you process some of this?"

"Olivia I have to ask you something. Something you might not like or want to do but….."

"Go on?"

"The only people who know Johnny is her biological father are Calvin and your family. He won't say anything. I trust that."

"As Captain Stabler? As an NYPD officer I gotta tell you that however you managed to have that baby adopted out without paternal consent was….."

"But as Olivia?" tested Texas, her eyes holding the older woman's intensely, "As the Livia that Calvin has _always _talked about? Will you promise me? Will you promise that he won't ever be able to ruin this for her?"

"I promise. I promise you, Texas. Johnny Arliss will never get his hands on that little girl."

* * *

"That's a pretty color on you, sir."

"Shut up Tarzan and get back to painting that fence…." dismissed Elliot with a grumbling roll of his eyes as he emerged from the house in the pink t-shirt he had been wearing for an NYPD charity day, "….how's it going, son?"

"It's going good Dad…." replied Sam, slopping paint onto the wood and looking up to Calvin with a grin, "… me and Cal make a pretty good team don't you think?"

"I've seen a worse days' work…." conceded Elliot, flashing his son a smile and handing him a soda, "… here. Take five."

"Sweet….." nodded Calvin appreciatively, taking a step back from the task in hand and turning to Elliot who stared with almost comedic blankness.

"Not you Hercules….." smiling a level, acerbic smile without showing his teeth Elliot kicked his tongue and quipped, "… you're just the hired help."

"Thanks, sir…." rolling his eyes and shaking his hair Calvin chuckled to himself and returned to work, "… appreciate that."

"Sammy we need to talk about your mother's birthday coming up. You got her something yet?"

"No, no but I was talking to Vee and we're thinking we might go jewelry again this year what'd you reckon? She said she'd go shopping and text me pictures of stuff so I can pick…."

"How 'bout we all go together one night after school next week? I'll pick you both up and we can go figure something out? I'm thinking I'm gonna book the two of us a night in some swanky hotel. She's been doing so much for everyone else lately I'd really just like to spoil her for 24 hours. You think if I did you'd be okay just you and Vee here for the night? You ready for that?"

"I reckon so, yeah."

"Mouse knows your routine better than I do if I'm honest. She knows what's gotta get done and how to help you. The only thing that concerns me is the logistics of her helping you in and out of bed or whatever."

"I can do it myself."

"Not always you can't. I know this is a tough conversation to have, son, and I'm sorry about that. I just gotta be sure before I plan for your Mom, you know? If she's worried the whole time then…."

"Sam the burden…." mumbled the teenager miserably, and Elliot felt mortified at having implied as such when Sam finished with a sigh, "… _again_."

"Son I…."

"Dad it's fine don't….." sighing heavily Sam looked up at his father and smiled, "… it's fine, honestly. It's just fact. Evie is a weedy little thing and I'm heavy to shift around. I need help with stuff and she might not be able to do it."

"I could…." came the quiet suggestion from the background.

"No one asked for your input Herc…." said Elliot with a warm but nonetheless dismissive rebuff.

"Yeah but Dad he actually has a point…." said Sam, pushing his bottom lip out ponderingly, "… he throws me in and out of my chair, in and out of his truck, he can lift me no worries. Between him and Vee they can do everything that you and Mom do no problem at all."

"You listening to this Tarzan?" asked Elliot, whose fondness for Calvin grew daily. Turning around he narrowed his eyes. Calvin stood holding his paint brush and just smiled. That lazy lopsided smile and devilish twinkle in his eyes drew Elliot to him as a person and terrified him as a father.

"Yes sir."

"Don't smirk at me, don't enjoy this."

"No, no course not sir."

"You gonna come take care of Sammy for me? Can I trust you to do this? Cos I'm nervous, I gotta tell you that. I'm apprehensive, I am, but I love my wife very much and I just reckon she might think this was an okay idea. I think she would trust you to do this for us so I will too."

"Sir he's my little bud….." nodded Calvin slowly, looking to Sam and smiling with a genuine warmth and fraternal love that heartened Elliot, "…. I'll watch out for him."

"See? Told you, Dad, we'll be fine. It's just one night and you don't even have to think twice. Cal knows the score, he knows how everything works. He's awesome."

"Awesome, huh?" said Elliot, shaking his head and conceding a fond smile as he watched Calvin raise an eyebrow and flash a smirk.

"You're just lucky that my wanting to take my wife away for the night outweighs my instinct not to leave you alone in my house with my daughter and impressionable son."

"Due respect sir if you really don't trust me at this point then…."

"Shut up."

"I…." stumbled Calvin, not entirely sure how to take Elliot most of time.

"I trust you, kid. You've never given me a reason not to…." and in the single most giving statement he could've offered Calvin the older man nodded slowly, "… just don't let's go changing that, deal?"

"Deal."

* * *

"I am deeply honored to introduce you to the group of young men and women behind me who have decided to answer their nation's call and to serve their country. These are your family members who will preserve our freedoms for generations to come. We want to thank them for their sacrifice and their future service. Please stand out of respect as I administer the oath of enlistment."

"I, state your name…."

"I Calvin Arliss…."

"Do solemnly swear….." hollered the officer stood before the assembled group of new recruits, and they all chorused back, "… do solemnly swear."

"To support and defend….." straightening the material of her navy A-line dress Eve's face was that of perfect porcelain as she stood between Elliot and Olivia, "… to support and defend."

"The Constitution of the United States….." turning blue eyes up to her father she watched the gravity of his expression and knew just how much this same oath had meant to him one day many years previously.

"Against all enemies, foreign and domestic…" she hadn't given any of that too much thought, she realized, as the pledging continued. That there would be enemies, that this was not child's play, that this was Calvin agreeing to take up arms. He was signing up to fight, potentially to die for his country.

"That I will bear true faith and allegiance to the same….." from this day onward, though her naïve teenage heart and mind had not realized it yet, there would be a third party in their relationship. Calvin's fidelity was no longer hers alone. His loyalty was now not only to her but to the US Army as well.

"That I will obey the orders of the President of the United States and the orders of the officers appointed over me according to regulations and the Uniform Code of Military Justice."

"So help me God."

"Welcome to the army, son…." came the stiff, firm handshake that dried the ink on a new chapter of Calvin's lie as he nodded determinedly and shook hard.

"Sir."

"Ladies and gentleman a round of applause for our new recruits….."

"So I guess that's it. It's real now. This is really happening….." said Eve quietly, as Olivia draped a gentle arm around her shoulders, "… he's officially in."

"You're okay, baby girl. You're fine, you're strong…." reassuring herself as much as her daughter Olivia had a much acuter sense of what Calvin had signed up for. She had seen the price servicemen and women paid. She had witnessed the cost. Tears in her eyes she looked to Elliot, who looked back with the same mist in his blue gaze.

"Cal! Hey! Calvin over here!" calling out Sam wheeled himself closer, pausing to wave beckoningly to Calvin who found his collection of familiar faces in the crowd and walked toward them.

"Hey buddy…." fist bumping Sam he looked up to find Elliot extending a hand to shake.

"Big day for you Hercules….." came a warm, genuine smile of pride from the older man as he shook Calvin's hand and added emphatically, "… glad we could be here to see you swear in."

"Sweetheart come here….." breathed Olivia, leaning in for a warm hug and squeezing tight, "…. you did good, you're gonna be great, you're gonna **be **great I just know it."

"Having you all here it's…." it was everything to him, and she knew it. They both did. Elliot took his wife's hand, and giving Sam an encouraging nod the three of them made to leave.

"We'll see you two back at the house?" said Elliot instructively. "Tarzan there's a takeout night in your honor happening whether you like it or not."

"I….."

"I don't even want to hear what you've got to say. You just got sworn into the best army in the world and even if you are a giant Neanderthal idiot we're damn proud of you. Texas you wanna ride with us?"

"That okay?" asked Texas, reaching to Calvin's arm and beaming with pride gave it a squeeze. "Proud of you, mijo. See you back at their place?"

"Yeah, yeah for sure."

"Fin and Melinda are coming too…." smiled Olivia, winking fondly, "… and I've even slaved over a batch of marshmallow bites."

"You did, huh?" he smirked, knowing full well she had bought them. It made no difference however. The sweet thought, the fact she remembered how he liked them and the kindness to act on it where what mattered. That was what resounded deeply in him.

"Sammy had no right telling my secret like that."

"Mom he would've found out when he saw them in the store!" protested Sam, tossing his eyes.

"Okay, okay, but any one of you rats me out to the PTA and I'll will kill you….." warned Olivia, twisting her mouth to a smile and giving a little wave, "…. right, see you at home, kiddos."

"Bambi….." he said, once the two of them were alone. She had been uncharacteristically quiet for some time now and it unnerved him. "Hey?"

"Hi."

"How's it going?" unsure of where to put his hands he moved them from his side to his belt and then finally folded them across his chest. He couldn't place how or why, but something told him physical comfort was not immediate what she needed in that moment. "How you doing?"

"I'm okay."

"Yeah?" he tested, seeing and knowing she was anything but.

"I'm really happy for you…." she managed with a croaky, squeaky little voice and it was only then he realized why she had remained silent. Dropping her arms to her side her hands moved forward, almost held outstretched, and she gave him a look that just said hold me.

"Evie, baby…." he breathed, unfolding his arms and wrapping them around her. She melted into him. Coiling her arms around his waist she laid her cheek against the warm cotton of his shirt and closed her eyes. With a heavy sign he rested his chin on her head and felt her hot tears soak against his chest. He squeezed her tighter.

"It just feels like the longest goodbye in the world. I don't know how much longer I can do this."

"It's only ten weeks. Ten weeks at Fort Jackson and then I'll be back. Ten weeks is nothing. It's just ten football games….." he smiled, lifting her from his chest and gazing down at her adoringly, "… ten Friday nights, baby."

"You'll miss Thanksgiving…." and so it began, she realised, shaking her head sadly, "… you won't even be back in time for Christmas."

"You'll be too busy with school and cheerleading and all your crazy extracurricular stuff you need to do before Brown to realise I'm not there. You'll be having so much fun you'll barely even notice I'm gone."

"Cal no matter how busy I get I'll always know you're not here. I'll always notice you're gone…." she swallowed, flashing him a little smile and batting dark lashes glistening with tears.

"Bambi…." but when he reached to her face, expecting her to nuzzle into his hand the way she always did she didn't. Instead she turned away, stepped back, withdrew.

"Come on, they'll be waiting for us at home….." managing a smile she patted his chest lovingly, "… we should get you to your party."

"I know this isn't gonna be easy but…."

"Today is a good day. You're officially in the army now and that's great, it's awesome."

"Evie…." grabbing for her hand he tried to find her eyes, but she avoided his gaze.

"Everything is happening just exactly the way we planned. Everything is happening just the way it's supposed to….." holding his hand gently she found a smile, lifting her eyes reluctantly to his and falling in love all over again as she rasped, "… today is a good day, solider."

* * *

"Oh my God you're so annoying."

"Are we seriously going to fight about this?" asked Elliot incredulously, when he and Olivia remained the last ones standing later that evening. "After everything that's gone on today we're going to end the evening fighting about Tupperware lids."

"I have a system."

"You have a problem is what you have, babe."

"Really? Seriously? You think that patronizing me is what's going to get you out of this?"

"I don't even know how I got myself _into _this! I just wanted something to put leftovers in for lunch tomorrow. I didn't think it would get me into this much trouble."

"It didn't. You're inability to bring my Tupperware lids home again is what got you into…."

"Can you hear yourself?" he couldn't help but smirk. He knew she was deadly serious. He had learned many years ago not to fight the face he was now receiving but he didn't care. He knew she couldn't hold out forever, "Can you please just listen to this fight we're having for a second?"

"It's not about the Tupperware."

"No kidding."

"You already figured that out, huh?" she smiled, stopping what she was doing and just looked at him. Looked at him looking at her and knew he understood. Maybe he didn't know exactly what she was thinking or feeling but he understood her. He could comprehend parts of herself that even she struggled to. His fuse was so short in every other walk of life but with her he had infinite patience. "Elliot I'm having a really hard time with everything that's going on right now."

"Yeah, yeah I know…." he sighed, moving to stand beside her as she leant against the counter and massaging with just the right amount of pressure at her tense shoulders, "… I know you are."

"Texas worries me."

"How's she doing? She seemed good today. Better than last time I saw her."

"She's okay, she's fine….." and then realising, remembering, reminding herself it was him she was talking to Olivia sighed heavily, "… she's not okay, El. She's not even close to fine. She's just broken hearted about that baby."

"She regret the adoption?"

"No, no not at all. At least she says not. I'm fairly certain that's not what's going on. She's a smart girl. She's a fiercely smart girl who knows her own mind and she didn't do what she did lightly. It broke her heart, her heart is broken and she's halfway into a bottle of vodka most of the time from what I can tell but it's not regret she's drowning. It's just sadness….." turning around Olivia met his eyes and shrugged, "… she's just lonely and sad and looking out onto a whole lot of questions and uncertainty and…."

"And she's not the only one?" offered Elliot, nodding slowly and beginning to truly understand what was going on here.

"Was I wrong to let our baby girl have sex with Calvin Arliss?"

"Liv…" stunned, dumbfounded, unable to form a further sentence Elliot just stared at her.

"I know it wasn't about letting her. I know she'd have done it anyway. That's just Evie. That's just how she is, that's how she's always been. Since the moment that girl realised she had a mind of her own she's been her own worst enemy. She's got a heart of gold and enough courage to follow it. She's fearless and when she's in she's all in. She's all in with that boy."

"I was there too Olivia. I didn't stop it either."

"Did we let her down? Did we set her up for the biggest fall of her life when the inevitable happens and the two of them break up? She's just scared to death about college and leaving home and he's Army now. He belongs to them. He's not going to be there to hold her hand."

"What you mean is that _you're_ not going to be there to hold her hand…." it wasn't really even about Calvin, realised Elliot with a tender smile.

"Everything's changing Elliot, everything. Sammy isn't my sweet, naïve, baby faced little boy anymore. He's broken. He wasn't supposed to know what that feels like yet. He wasn't supposed to know how brutal and cruel and just completely awful life can be at fifteen years old. He just wasn't. And Evie? She's a young woman now. When did that happen? Was it when I allowed her fall in love with Cal? Did I let her down? Should I have fought harder to stop it? Am I a horrible, horrible mother for letting my sixteen year old daughter have that kind of relationship with…."

"She would've fallen in love with him anyway."

"But she wouldn't have slept with him."

"Yes she would."

"El…."

"You said it yourself. We've both said it time and time again. Headfirst, both feet, to hell with the consequences: that's Evie G. When she wants something she just throws her heart and her soul into getting it, into making it happen. She wanted to ride a bike? She made me stand out with her on that street until she was bruised black and blue but she was just determined to figure it out. Dolly Daydream? She was only five years old when she worked her tiny tush off doing chores to get enough money to buy that damn doll."

"Even at five she did a better job of folding laundry than you do."

"Liv my point is that we raised a strong, stubborn, determined and fearless daughter….." lifting the corners of his mouth to an adoring smile Elliot shrugged, "… but we also raised hell."

"She'd have slept with him anyway….." nodded Olivia with an accepting exhale that in some strange, bittersweet way appeased her conscience.

"I'm not saying it was the best idea she ever had. I'm not saying we're the best parents in the world that we didn't see it coming and take evasive action. All I'm saying is that she has talked to you every step of the way. She _will _talk to you when whatever is going to happen next happens. That's what we've got. That's what we hang onto. Unlike Texas when Evie is looking out onto a whole lot of questions and uncertainty and heading for her first big heartbreak….." reaching to Olivia's face Elliot winked with loving reassurance, "… she's not alone."

"No, no she is not."

"They're gonna get hurt, babe. They're gonna find out over and over and over again just how badly life sucks sometimes and there's not a damn thing we can do about it. We just gotta hope that we raised them strong enough and smart enough to handle it and to come back fighting."

"You really need to start bringing home my Tupperware lids or I'm going to lose my mind."

"You know they're all just at the 1-6 somewhere. Unless Fin's eating them they didn't go that far. We can find them."

"Sammy crashed out as soon as everyone left and Eve's been quiet a good hour now."

"You saying what I think you are?" he tested, narrowing his eyes and trying not to smirk lest he'd misread the situation. "That a green light I'm seeing up head Captain?"

"Give me ten minutes to finish clearing all this up and I'll be right there…."

"Finish clearing up tomorrow…." said Elliot, grabbing for her hand and locking his fingers between hers.


	42. Knowing When To Stay And When To Go

"I really just don't get it, sir. I'm sorry. I just don't get it."

"But I just have this feeling Sam that you're not even trying. It's been our text for over three weeks now and I'm really just getting a sense that you're not making any effort here. Did you even read the book? Is there a bigger problem at hand here? I know you've had a lot going on. Do you feel a little overextended?"

"Do I what?" asked Sam, staring blankly at his English teacher. Middle aged, stern but not unkind and with more lines around his eyes than his forty some years really ought to have afforded him. Tilting his head Sam just continued to wait out the silence. He had so much to say and not a single clue how to find the words.

"You doing okay Samson? You hanging in there?" widening the conversation, stretching the bounds of their recess meeting beyond his missing paper Mr Carter sat back in his chair. Folding his arms and exhaling slowly he asked, "You look like a boy with a lot on his mind."

"I do?" it seemed to Sam that adults were awfully fond of stating the obvious.

He didn't care for it at all, it unnerved him. He didn't know how to handle it or how he was expected to respond. He never had this problem around his family. He could speak to his mother with an effortlessness he failed to find elsewhere and she never patronised. Elliot wasn't really one for the big talks but they communicated easily in other ways. Eve knew what he was thinking before he did.

Equally Calvin wasn't a guy of many words but if he had something to ask he would say it outright. There was an easy silence around him. There was never any question of Calvin's motives or his intensions. For all his complexities he was blissfully straightforward in his relationships. Once you knew him, once you really knew him, he was the most genuine person you could hope to meet. Mr Carter was just fishing in the dark to appease his conscience and it irritated Sam beyond belief. It made him miss Calvin terribly.

"It can't be easy for you being back here. A hell of a lot changed those months you were gone."

"Yes sir."

"How is it? Dealing with school? Now that you're….."

"A cripple?" offered Sam, finding it painfully awkward watching the older man squirm. "It's great, sir. It's awesome."

"I guess under the circumstances I can grant an extension. Just turn it in as soon as you can."

"I'll take the detention."

"What?" it had to be the first time in the history of Mr Carter's twenty year teaching career that a student had volunteered to stay behind. "Sam I'm saying that I'll let you off."

"But I don't want to be let off. I don't want you to make me a special case. I'll take your detention. It's my spine that's broken not my brain."

"Sam….."

"I've been back in school weeks now and I'm fine. I just don't like English, sir. I don't think I'm supposed to say that but it's just boring and pointless and so I just didn't read the dumb book. I didn't want to. That's the truth. I don't even know where my copy is."

"You are nothing like your sister."

"Yeah, yeah get that a lot sir."

"You know school doesn't last forever, son. One day, one day sooner than you think you'll be out of here. You'll be out in the world with the freedom to do whatever it is you want to do wherever it is you want to do it."

"I can't wait."

"Really?" asked Mr Carter, whose cryptic delivery was more deliberate than Sam's tender years were able to identify. "Because the way I see it that freedom is for nothing if you don't use it. A year from now it won't make a blind bit of difference to either one of us whether you like English or not. You can choose to never read another dumb book in your life if that's what you want. What _do_ you want Sam? What _do_ you like?"

"Just normal stuff, just football and Friday nights and hanging out."

"But you can't play football anymore. What else do you like? What else are you going to do?"

"I….."

"You're the bravest kid I know Sam. You've come back in here and you've gritted your teeth against all the stares and the whispers and said to hell with them. I gotta tell you, son, that that's courage. You should be very proud of how you've handled the hand you were dealt last year."

"I didn't really have a choice I guess….." shrugged Sam pragmatically, feeling a strange wash of indecipherable sadness and slow acceptance as he forged a smile, "… you just gotta get on with it, right?"

"Not everyone has the wisdom to realise that or the courage to make it a reality especially at your age. You've got strength of character by the bucket load Sam Stabler. I can't wait to see what you're capable of….." smiling warmly the older man arched a salt and pepper flecked brow, "… starting with the 1900 words you're going to write me on Catcher in the Rye."

"Sir can I ask a favour?"

"Sure, sure what is it?"

"I'll read the book. I'll write the paper. I'll show up to detention and do whatever else I gotta do. Just don't tell my Mom? Don't call or write my parents?"

"School rules say that…."

"I know they do but maybe just this once? Next time sure, sure I get it. Only it's just they are finally starting to let me breathe. They've been through hell too, they have. It's been a really, really long year sir. They worry about me all the time and I just think that this is something they don't need to worry about."

"I know your Mom pretty well Sam. She's a pretty great lady who doesn't take kindly to being cut out the loop."

"Please Mr Carter?"

"One time, this is a one off deal. Next time this is a conversation with your parents. Do we have a deal?"

"Yes, yes sir we do."

* * *

"Hey?"

"I'm here."

"No you're not….." said Calvin softly, leaning down and pressing a kiss against Eve's collarbone as she lay cradled naked in his arms, "… you're a million miles away."

"Sorry."

"Don't be sorry, just talk to me. What's going on?" tightening the arm hooked around her waist he drew her back, holding her against the bare warmth of his chest and hugging her close. "Talk to me?"

"I'm scared, Cal."

"Scared?" he echoed, as she turned to lie back against the pillow. Looking up at him she nodded slowly, her hair fanned out behind her in a messy halo. Blinking blue eyes slowly she felt dazed, confused. It was all ending, it was just beginning, she just felt like she was either numb or fit to explode and nothing in between.

"You scare me."

"Nah, no, no way…." he protested, knowing it just couldn't possibly be true, "… you've got me wrapped around your little finger and you know it."

"Yeah…." she conceded with a half-smile and a gentle touch of his face with light fingertips. "That's true. It's just not what I mean."

"What do you mean?" he persisted. Though in physical stature he dwarfed her, he was a strong boy, muscular and heavy set in her hands he was weak as a kitten. He was besotted, he adored her and he felt sure his hurting her was impossible; intentionally at least.

"I am so headlong, headfirst, can't breathe without you in love with you Calvin Arliss and it's no good. It's all just no good because it's all just got to end. It's all ending soon and don't think I can handle that."

"Baby…."

"What did you dream about? When you were little? When you were growing up what was the one thing you wanted more than anything in the world?"

"That's a big question."

"That isn't an answer."

"I don't have an answer. Bambi you ask me all these feelings questions and you know I'm lousy at that shit. I dunno. Growing up I didn't dream about anything. As far as I knew by five years old I was already who I was going to be. Dirt poor, white trash, worthless."

"Calvin you are _not _worthless."

"Eve don't do that. You asked a question and I'm trying to answer. I'm having feelings here. Don't throw me a pity party."

"Okay, okay I'm sorry….." she swallowed, still forgetting sometimes how vastly different their raisings had been. How his still deeply affected him in ways she was still learning to comprehend. He was proud. He was fiercely proud and figuring out to list, to support, to love him without condescension or what he deemed pity was something her sixteen year old soul was still struggling with.

"The one thing I wanted more than anything in the world?" he paused for a moment, and she could see how painfully difficult it was for him to open up sometimes. "Someone to make me eat vegetables."

"Really?" gosh she sounded stupid, she thought. Thank goodness she'd had the presence of mind to hold her tongue from the rest of the sentence that had run through her mind. Elliot had been like the vegetable police growing up.

"I got scurvy right before I started school. This one teacher made me her pet project and fed me oranges. In kindergarten we were talking about flowers and we had to name ones we knew. I said cauliflower."

"Oh…." came an almost whimpering gasp from Eve who stroked at his chest and just needed to touch him, to hold him, to physically demonstrate her love not just to him but to the little boy lost she saw in his sad green blue eyes.

"My kids are gonna eat so many vegetables they'll turn fucking green."

"Your kids?" she smiled, imagining how impossibly good looking they'd be. How they'd have his eyes and his jaw and that lopsided mischief smile.

"And their mother is gonna be my wife. She's gonna be respected. She's gonna keep her voice and her pride and her heart, and I won't break her like my dad broke my mom. She'll be my lady not my whore."

"Cal…." beyond cliché and metaphor he had physically taken her breath away by the dark power of his words.

"I didn't really dream growing up but I guess I thought a lot about stuff. I learned a lot about how not to do things. How I planned on trying not to turn out. So far it's been hit and miss. I was a dog to Tex when we dated."

"But she forgave you, right? She loves you so much."

"Yeah she did, she does. That says more about her than me though." He was so honest. So brutally honest in a way she had never known anyone be before. Even her parents sugar coated, bent the truth, papered the cracks. Calvin had a way of being just so completely raw and exposed and astonishingly vulnerable despite his gruff, taciturn delivery. "What about you Evie Grace? What'd you dream about? What'd you want more than anything?"

"People judge my Dad pretty harshly. I'm pretty much at the front of that line. I guess what I'm coming to realise lately though is that when they got together, him and my mom, when they finally figured it out. They're a team. He has her back. He car pooled, he pretty much gave up progressing in his career, he grocery shopped, he coached little league and he went to PTA meetings. He was Mr Mom a lot of the time so she could be Captain Stabler. I don't think I really give him enough credit for that."

"You know you should probably say that to him sometimes."

"I asked her how she knew that it was my Dad she wanted to spend the rest of her life with. I asked her what it felt like to be married."

"And?"

"Home….." said Eve softly, feeling Calvin's hands stroking tenderly at the small of her back as he cradled her in his strong arms, "…. she said being around him t felt like coming home."

"Is that right…." their faces were so close he could feel her warm breath on his face as she spoke, and tilting his head he kissed her ever so softly.

"I want a whole bunch of stuff. Lately I have this stupid dream where I graduate and I drive New York to LA in an old red Chevy convertible still wearing my cap and gown."

"You serious?" grinned Calvin, not having heard it before, "Coast to coast in a red Chevy convertible?"

"In one of those big, beautiful old cars like Thelma and Louise drive off the cliff in. Just nowhere to go, nowhere to be, just top down, pedal to metal freedom."

"That's a Thunderbird."

"What?" she puzzled, a little thrown.

"Thelma and Louise?" he smiled, brushing a flick of bangs from her eyes and stroking at her cheek with his knuckles, "It's a 66 Thunderbird."

"I can't believe you've seen that movie."

"Are you kidding me? Susan and Geena getting their Dixie Chicks on? It's a modern classic."

"You're such an idiot…." rolling her eyes she shook her head, mussing her hair further and then rolling on top of him and groaning kisses, "….you are _such _an idiot."

"Your hair's all in my face. I'm eating hair, hey, hey Bambi I'm….." as they both dissolved into giggles he cuddled her close, twisting his head from side to side as her curtains of loose waves covered his smile, "… this is not sexy."

"What are you doing?" with a beaming smile she wrinkled her brow as he gathered up rough handfuls of hair and held two pigtails on either side of her head, "Well this _definitely_ doesn't feel sexy."

"Maybe you need a buzz like I'm gonna get at basic. Maybe we could have matching buzz cuts? Solidarity with your solider, huh?"

"You love my hair."

"I do love your hair."

"You love me…." she simpered with a wheedling tone and pearly white grin, "… you l-o-v-e me Calvin Arliss."

"Nah….."

"Shut up!"

"Come here…." he growled, grabbing at her waist and flipping her over so as she was the one lying on the bed and then kissing he added, "… this way I won't have to cough up a fucking fur ball."

"Gross!"

"I love ya. For the record?" drawing back he looked down at her, meeting her eyes and affirming, "I love you, a lot, Evie G."

* * *

"The guy is just an idiot."

"No he is not."

"He's cocky and arrogant, he's rude and he's….."

"Nick Amaro is a good man and a great detective. He's just not Olivia, darling….." said Melinda, effortlessly seeing clean through Fin's rant and narrowing her eyes with a shrewd little smile, "… that's the bottom line here. Isn't it?"

"No."

"Neither of you are going to be there for ever. She's had a good run but she's tired. We both know that. We see it day in day out. All of us are going to have to retire sooner or later and she's give her heart and soul to that unit for so long. You're not helping her by making it even harder than it already is to let go."

"She won't really retire. We've been here before. Every now and then she goes through this shtick but nothing ever comes of it. She'll be back in the saddle before long and we'll all be just normal again. Everything will be like it's always been."

"But what if we're not? What if it isn't?" tested Melinda, unafraid to be the one person who question his stubborn resistance to change. His allegiance to things always staying the same. He was a creature of habit and it was as damaging as it was adorable. "Fin everything changes eventually. It's the one thing you can be sure of in life."

"I reckon this is the first time I've actually been scared you might be right on that. The first time I've not been one hundred per cent sure there isn't such a thing as SVU without Liv."

"You ready for that?" wrapping her fingers around the stem of her wine glass Melinda took a sip and swallowed, "To support her if that's the decision she makes?"

"Hey, hey no I see what you're doing here. You're playing me. I'm being played."

"Damn right you are."

"I don't want her to retire."

"I know you don't….." nodding slowly Melinda's eyes said everything her mouth was too kind to.

"S'not really about me though, huh?" smiled Fin, wandering across the kitchen and taking the glass from her hand. Drawing her into his arms he held her gently and muttered at a gruff bark, "Don't ever stop kicking my ass Warner. Just don't, okay?"

"Count on it."

"I do….." he nodded slowly, drawing away and holding brown eyes on brown eyes, trusting, loving, daring to see the future looking back, "… I do count on it. I count on you."

"I think maybe you've had one too many beers."

"Nah, nah I'm way too sober as it goes. If I wasn't I wouldn't feel so damn nauseous right now."

"I nauseate you?" asked Melinda, a little astonished and quite affronted.

"I hate change. I hate it. I don't want Evie to go off to college, I don't want Calvin to go off to the Army, I don't want Liv to retire. I like things just the way they are. I like waking up on a morning and knowing you're gonna be there next to me. I like coming home on a night and telling you about my day. I like hearing about yours. I like talking to you. I want that to be the one thing that doesn't change. I hear what you're saying, but **you **are the one thing I'm sure about Melinda."

"Well if you're just not full of surprises….." she said softly, shaking her curls gently from side to side.

"Marry me?"

"What?" gasped Melinda, her forehead lifting and her eyes going wide, "Fin that wasn't a challenge, I didn't need you to prove my point!"

"Are you leaning toward yes or no?" he smiled, calm, collected, confident in their love, "I reckon I got fairly good odds but I don't wanna count my chickens."

"This is just a little unexpected and…."

"Nah, nah it isn't. We've been working up to this for the best part of twenty years Mel."

"My God we're old."

"I know this isn't very romantic. I know I'm not on one knee, there's no diamond, no flowers. I just love you. I love you and I wanna spend the rest of my life driving you crazy. I know you gotta make a pro con list and then freak out to Rach and…."

"Yes."

"What?"

"Let's do it, let's get married."

"Okay…." he said slowly, a little dumbfounded by her quite uncharacteristic impulsiveness.

"What? Did you not plan on my saying yes? Were you bluffing Tutuola?"

"Hell no…." came the wide grin in reply as the deal was sealed with a kiss.

* * *

"But you're just eating all the crust."

"It's the best bit."

"No, nah no way, the middle is where it's at. That's where the action is. See, right here, all this string cheese and pepperoni that's a man's pizza right there. That's what I'm talking about."

"You're such an idiot!" laughed Eve lightly, as she and Cal sat together in front of a movie they were barely watching. "Here, give me a bite, hold it still…."

"So I heard that Livia is thinking of retiring. That's huge. That's a big deal. How's she doing with that?"

"I have no idea. She hasn't really said much. She talks to my Dad about that stuff, sometimes my Uncle Fin. Did she tell you? Did you hear it from her?"

"Nah, nah Tex said something."

"Wait she talked to _Texas _about it?" asked Eve with surprise, almost a little hurt that a relative stranger would know more of what was on her mother's mind than she would. Talking to Elliot or Fin or any of the other adults in her life was one thing but talking to a girl Calvin's age was quite something else. "Really?"

"No, no not in as many words. Look maybe I got it wrong, maybe I got out of line. Forget I said anything."

"Cal I…."

"Bambi seriously it's not a big deal. Your mom is helping Tex through some stuff but it's not like she's, like, shopping for a new daughter or something. Don't freak out. Chill, it's fine, it's cool."

"I don't even care. It's not that. It's not Texas or my Mom it's….." yes it bothered her that she had been so wrapped up in her own life she had been closed eyed to her mother's own situation but she could fix that. What she couldn't fix was that first thing the following morning Calvin was leaving for South Carolina and she was out of time.

"Yeah."

"This isn't going to work Calvin."

"Yeah…." he said again, but this time he nodded his head with a slow, sad, steady acceptance.

"They all told us it wouldn't."

"Yeah."

"For God's sake can't you think of another word! Can't you say something else but just 'yeah' and 'yeah' and looking at me like you've just given up!"

"Not really…." he mumbled honestly, feeling as though someone was holding his face underwater and when they would show mercy and let him up for air. "You're the one who's giving up Evie. You're the one who's already given up before I'm even gone."

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry I didn't mean that. I didn't mean to be a bitch I just….." bottom lip trembling she closed her eyes, her face twisting to tears she was too tired to cry.

"No, no I'm the one that's sorry. Bambi let's just do this. Let's just get this over with, just rip it like a band aid. We both know it's gotta happen and I can't watch you cry. I can't see you cry….." he begged, grabbing her face and kissing her tenderly, kissing at the salty tears sliding down her cheeks, her nose, her eyebrows, "… don't cry Evie. Don't cry, baby. I love you. I love you so fucking much."

"Okay I'm just going to say it….." she hiccoughed, taking a long steadying breath and looking him dead in the eye. "We're over."

"We're done."

"We're broken up, we're not together, we're just friends….." she swallowed, closing her eyes and falling forward, her mouth crushing against his as he kissed her hard and she murmured breathlessly, "… I'm not your girl anymore….."

"You'll always be my girl Evie Stabler. I don't care if I'm in South Carolina or the South Pacific, as long as I'm still breathing….." shaking his hair, grazing his nose against hers, their foreheads pressed tight together he vowed, "… you will **always **be my girl."

"You have to go now. I need you to leave, right now , or I won't ever be able to do this, I won't ever be able to let you go…." she whispered, wrenching herself from him and turning away to hide her tears, "… please? Please Cal just go?"

"Evie? Sweet girl are you crying?" asked Olivia, appearing in the doorway on hearing their front door slam shut. "Baby what happened? Was that Calvin leaving?"

"I'm fine…."

"Oh sweetheart, oh you have to know that I invented that line and I don't believe you for a second….." she said, rushing across the room and gathering her sobbing daughter into her arms horrified, "…. come here, come here sweet girl, baby girl. It's okay, it's alright, momma's here."

"He's gone Momma. He's going off to the army and we're broken up and everyone was just right about everything. I hate that he has to leave. I hate it and it hurts, it just hurts and I was an idiot and a stupid kid and just stupid and it was just never going to work out and I hate you all for being right and I hate myself for falling in love with him and…."

"Breathe, baby. Breathe for me? Take a breath, catch your breath?"

"He has to go, he has to. This is what he wants. He's a good guy. I know not everyone sees that. I know they don't all believe it but it's true. He's a kind and strong and **good **person and this is his chance. This is his chance to put all the crap behind him and be happy and I want that for him I do, I do, I do it just hurts….." burying her face in Olivia's chest she yelped, "… it **hurts **Mom!"

"I know. I know it does baby. I can't make it stop. I can't take that pain away. A broken heart is just agony, it's brutal, and it's devastating. First love? First heartbreak? You think you can't possibly survive it."

"Momma…." began Eve, her pretty face all crumpled and puffy and red as she sniffed loudly and wiped her nose on the back of her hand.

"But you _will _survive it Evie G. You will I promise. One day, years from now, you'll back on this and realise it was just part of growing up. That it shaped who you'll become. It made you stronger and tougher and wiser. It taught you how to love whoever it is that you're supposed to end up with."

"I don't want to survive it."

"Baby…."

"I mean it Mom. I know it stupid. I know it's dumb. My head knows all that. I get that I have to break up with him. I understand that he has to give everything he's got to the army. I get that I need to focus on my school work and getting into Brown. It all makes perfect sense. It really does."

"But?" smiled Olivia knowingly. By God she knew this girl. Like breathing she knew her.

"You'll tell me I'm just sixteen and naïve. You'll tell me I'll grow out of it. You'll just tell me I'm too young to know what I want."

"Try me?" challenged deep, profoundly loving brown eyes that fixed on Eve trustingly.

"I don't think I'll ever love anyone the way I love Calvin. I really don't. I'll try if that's what I'm supposed to do. You always taught me to never close a door and I won't. I just think it'll always be him. I just have this feeling that he's the one I'm supposed to end up with."

"You _are _sixteen and naïve Evie. Maybe you _will_ grow out of it. Maybe you _are_ too young to know what you want."

"But?" finding a half smile Eve hung off Olivia's every word. She ought to have known better than to fear she'd dismiss her thoughts or feelings no matter how young and foolish they may sound. She heard her when no one else would listen. She always had.

"But maybe you won't. Maybe you aren't. I just need for you to remember that you are sixteen years old with the whole world at your feet Evie. You are young and you have choices and options and opportunities. You haven't even begun to discover all that life has to offer yet. At your age everything can turn on dime. If it's really him? If he's really the one? If it's Calvin at sixteen, sweetheart, it will still be Calvin at sixty….." nodding slowly Olivia met her daughter's eyes and implored emphatically, "… and I need you to just trust your momma on that one."


	43. Seventeen

**Eight Months Later**

"What happened to slowing down?"

"Fin don't."

"What happened to spending more time with family?"

"Seriously? Are you kidding me? You're really going _there _with me right now?" asked Olivia incredulously, shooting her friend a warning glare. She was acutely aware of having once more let her priorities slide and it didn't feel at all comfortable having it pointed out by someone who knew her as well as Fin did. "It's a conversation, okay? Elliot and I are having the conversation."

"Having a conversation or re-writing the freakin' constitution, cheekbones?" with a snarling smile Fin tossed his eyes. "You any closer to publishing this revelation?"

"I don't appreciate your tone Odafin."

"It's been nearly eight months since you started talking about retirement."

"I'm aware of that."

"You realise how many things have happened while you've been avoiding the issue?" he knew just which buttons to press and in exactly what order. Lowering the pen in her hand and sitting back in her chair she just glared at him. There was no point in attempting to dam him once he had started pouring forth that unique brand of Tutuola wisdom. "I got married is how long. Evie graduates high school in a few weeks is how long. Knucklehead Arliss learned to fly a freakin' Apache is how long a conversation this has turned into."

"Clearly your pep talks haven't improved than last time you decided to sit in judgement on my life Odafin."

"This about your Mom?"

"What?" she balked, still startled sometimes by how well he knew her. "No, no why would it be?"

"Maybe I'm off base. Maybe I'm out of line."

"The latter yes, probably, but it wouldn't be unusual…." smiling softly she gave him the green light to continue. She was curious. She hadn't even connected her reluctance to retire with Serena but perhaps it really could be the missing piece.

"There are other ways to help victims. There're other organisations outside of the NYPD, even inside it if you wanted. It's not you forgetting them. It's not like you're giving up the fight….." suddenly she was listening, listening with every muscle and bone and her tears filled with the chord he had struck, "…. you're not letting anyone down by just taking your foot off the gas a little. You're not letting your Mom down."

"I feel like I've made a difference, here, I think I have…."

"You know you have. You know the mountains you've moved, and that's your legacy. You just ain't ever gonna cure rape, Liv."

"I…."

"You'll die trying. You'll get to the end of the road and realise that there are still rapists, there are still child molesters and I just can't stand to see you regret anything. You got your dream, doll. You got everything I know you always wanted. Elliot loves the crap out of you, those beautiful kids adore you and all three of them need you. Life is good. You got a pretty great life and no one deserves that more than you do…" shrugging with a sage smile Fin added, "… just don't miss out on it fighting a battle we both know you'll never win."

"I have to go pick up Evie's cake."

"Elliot won't push you on this."

"Fin I really can't do this with you right now so…."

"So do it with him. You gotta trust him with this. You gotta lead it. He can't be the one who pushes you to do what you _know _is right. It has to come from you. We all know at this point it's just delaying the inevitable."

"It's not that I'm not listening to you all…."

"I know. I know it isn't…." smiled Fin with a slow nod, "… it's that you're not hearing us."

"If I'm not at the bakery by five then my daughter will turn seventeen without a cake and I'll pretty much wipe the floor with all worst mom of the year competition so…."

"You know if you were retired then…."

"I hate you."

"You want me to bring anything? Besides Melinda and my sparkling wit?" grinned Fin, wiggling his eyebrows amusedly.

"I'm currently contemplating rescinding your invitation so…."

"You can't do that. It's Evie G's party and she loves me."

"I'll see you tomorrow, asshole."

* * *

"I'd forgotten why we vow every time never to host another party at our house."

"You love it really…." smiled Elliot, helping his wife to clear away scatterings of paper plates, cups and serviettes as she chuntered to herself disgruntled. "Mouse had an awesome time though. All her favourite people in once place? The kid was in heaven."

"Yeah, yeah it was the happiest I've seen her in a long time. I'm really glad we did it."

"Seventeen years old. When the hell did that happen?" he sighed, holding open a black trash sack and shaking his head in wistful disbelief. "Where'd all those years go?"

"End of the summer and she's gone, she's out of here….." closing her eyes and then opening them to meet his Olivia smiled sadly, "….. I can't stand it."

"You hear Sammy tonight though? Talking about joining that wheelchair basketball team down at the community centre? His new little friend Ryan invited him?"

"I reckon that's the first thing I've heard him get excited about since he went back to school. I like Ryan too; he's pretty much the first new friend he's made in a long time."

"It'd be real good for him to hang out with other kids in chairs. See how they're figuring stuff out, swap stories, a little solidarity?"

"You hear that?" tossing a handful of plates into the bag as he held it Olivia furrowed her brow, "That a car pulling up? They better not want feeding."

"Probably Lizzie, she said she'd swing by around this time. She's got the girls' presents for Mouse and she said Kath sent a little something as well."

"She's so good to them….." and then, poignantly, Olivia added, "… too good."

"Liv don't do that, seriously, how many times have I told you?"

"I know….." smiled Olivia, always grateful to him for calling her out on moments of guilt. Eli had come to see her as a second mother over the years and it was no secret that his other children were equally fond. Kathy in turn, had become incredibly fond of Olivia's two. "You know she never once treated our kids like they weren't one hundred per cent a part of this family. Not even when Eve was tiny. I don't know that I could've held that much grace in her shoes."

"I know you could."

"Kathy Stabler is a good person….." and though he knew she thought it, it touched Elliot profoundly that she say it out loud sometimes, "… we got really lucky there, babe."

"Did I hear you say Lizzie's here?" bounding across the room to join them the birthday girl hung from Elliot's neck and kissed his cheek affectionately. "I'll go let her in."

"Evie there's someone at the door for you….." called Sam, also coming to join the group. Wheeling back and forth in his chair he radiated a strange nervous energy that went unnoticed to all but Olivia.

"Lizzie?" asked Olivia, narrowing her eyes suspiciously and already knowing the answer before Sam shrugged and replied.

"Nope, no guess again…."

"Who is it?" asked Eve, dancing down the hallway and throwing the door open impatient to know. "Oh my God….."

"Hey."

"Hi…." mouthed Eve, her entire face a smile as her eyes danced across Calvin's changed appearance.

He seemed taller, though she was sure he wasn't. He was certainly more muscular than ever and his broad shoulders carried it well. His hair was short, buzzed all over. Where once his chiselled jaw and fine cheekbones had been hidden by curtains of dishevelled hair they were now defined. His eyes were as blue green and dazzling as she remembered and his smile still that lazy, lopsided twist of mischief.

"Happy Birthday Bambi…." stepping forward, almost deferent, he presented her with a bouquet of perfect white roses scattered with dainty pink flowers she didn't recognize and sprigs of green.

"They're beautiful, they really are gorgeous….." she was gushing, she could feel it in the way her hands trembled and her cheeks flushed hot, "… thank you."

"You're looking good Evie G…." he flirted, despite having vowed not to, but he couldn't help it as he added with a casual but sincere wink of his eye, "… real good."

She truly did. Her hair was a little shorter, he determined, and she wore it well. Though it hadn't even been a year she looked older. Her face had lost just a shade of that girlish pretty and was growing into her mother's beauty. Her figure was a little fuller, and so though still dainty she was developing gentle curves. Yet it was none of this that he had to fight so hard to resist. It was the way her eyes danced, the way her lashes fluttered, the way he knew without her saying a word what that little smile meant. She still felt it too.

"I like your hair."

"Really? God I hate it…." mumbled Calvin with a self-deprecating eye roll as he ran a hand across the bristle of his shaven head and smirked, "… like it makes my head look like just a giant melon or something."

"I wrote you for your birthday last month…."

"I got it, thanks."

"But you didn't reply?" it was a strange, question, a loaded question, maybe not even a question she wanted answered. It held everything they were and weren't in its simple power and it hung unanswered in the air between them.

"So my Mom told me that Texas is down in Mississippi for a while?"

"Yeah, yeah no she's doing charity work or something. They like love nurses who can speak Spanish and English or whatever and they're training her up. She's heading down to Columbia in September to do some kind of aid work down there for a month."

"That's amazing, that's so awesome. I'm really glad things are going well for her."

"You know she's pretty much got Livia to thank for that."

"Yeah well my Mom has a nasty habit of believing the best in people and giving them a chance when no one else will…." and knowing full well she was no longer talking about Texas he smiled warmly. "Oh, but wait, where are you staying? Mom said you had Texas let the house go while you were gone…." trailing off Eve watched Calvin turn toward his battered old green truck behind him and gesture in explanation. "Calvin! You can't sleep in your truck!"

"Sure I can. Done it before and I'll do it again. It's like six hours down from Fort Drum and its real cosy in that back seat."

"I remember…." said Eve, surprising them both with her suggestive candour. She looked at him. He looked at her. They both knew what the other was thinking and they both felt suddenly uncomfortably warm because of it.

"This time last year, huh?" and with that curl lipped, wicked half smile he took them back to their first night together under the stars.

"My birthday is also our anniversary…." she could barely breathe, she realised, so stifled was she by blind desire. She wanted him. Wanted to run her hands across his skin, trace the contours of his muscled body, and feel his grip tight around her.

"Anniversary? Seriously? That's real classy Evie G. Not the day we met, not our first date or kiss but you're gonna choose the night I deflowered you in the bed of my truck as our anniversary?"

"Well when you say it like that!" she defended hotly, before breaking into a nervous giggle. "Shut up, shut up you're an idiot!"

"Sorry."

"I don't just mean sex…." came the disapproving eye roll from Eve before, as their bodies gravitated instinctively together she softened and confessed candidly, "….I fell in love with you that night Cal."

"You fall in love with anyone else since?" he asked, not entirely sure what he would do with whatever her answer might be. Not even sure what he wanted it to be. Like her question earlier it went unanswered. It was too dangerous. It was the spark that would light the powder keg they were trapped in. They were jumping through fire hoops and neither wanted to get burned.

"I…."

"You know what don't answer that. I shouldn't have asked…." came that slow, lazy toned drawl that made the hairs at the back of her neck stand to attention. She wanted him in a way she had never wanted anything, in a way she feared she would never want anyone else.

"Wanna go for a drive?" she said with a quiet, coquettish suggestion and heavy bat of dark lashes. Perhaps that was her answer to his question. His answer was already written all over his face; of course he wanted to.

"Yeah, yeah I do….." nodding slowly he felt as though he was physically holding himself back, emotionally binding his own hands in restraint, "… but we can't."

"Why not?" her chest was so heavy it physically hurt her, and her breathing fell so shallow she felt light headed.

"Because we both know it's never just a drive with us Bambi….." he replied honestly, loving her too much to lead her down that road again. The road to heartache. The road they both knew would end all over again once his weeks leave was out.

"Hey! Hey Hercules are you gonna keep the birthday girl out here all night?" came Elliot's familiar holler from the front doorway, before his face spread to a wide smile and he beckoned with his hand, "Come on in! Come grab a plate!"

"Eve?" he would've left, right that minute, she knew it with all her heart. One word from her and he would've found a way to politely decline.

"Tarzan what you playing at? I wasn't asking…." called Elliot, throwing both arms up in exaggerated incredulity, "… that was an order, solider!"

"You heard him…." smiled Eve warmly, giving a little nod of encouragement as Calvin set out down the driveway, "… hey Cal?"

"Yup?" halting a moment he turned to her, held her eyes, waited. "What?"

"It is **really** good to see you."

"Yeah…." he nodded slowly, and then as they both walked toward the house he echoed "… yeah."

* * *

"Laundry fairy…." knocking lightly on Eve's door Olivia pushed her way inside with an arm full of folded clothes and smiled, "…. can I come in?"

"Sure, sure course."

"How's my favourite seventeen year old this morning?"

"Tired…." said Eve, for want of a more accurate adjective. Sitting cross legged on her bed, still in pyjamas, she flicked through the various brochures and prospectuses she had collected from Brown over the years. "My party was awesome though. I had a great time, so, thanks for doing it all."

"You sound sad, baby…." her mother's soft voice of concern brought tears to Eve's eyes as she looked away and shrugged with a wordless response. Setting down the laundry pile Olivia took up a perch on the bed and crossed her legs. Waiting a moment, in the easy silence the two had always shared, she considered what to say next. "You wanna talk about it? Is it Brown? You've dug out all your stuff I see."

"I'm really excited to go. I mean it's getting really real now, you know? Looking at dorm rooms and figuring out which classes to sign up for and I even got a date for their cheer try outs."

"That'd be so much fun, wouldn't it? Cheering college football? We could all come up for game nights and watch. Your Dad would just burst with pride you do realise that?"

"What if I get a weird roommate? What if everyone hates me and I have no friends…."

"No one could hate you Evie G….." smiled Olivia adoringly, reaching to her daughter's chin and shaking her head, "… it's just not possible. They'll love you. One conversation and they'll realise how awesome you are."

"We were supposed to make gingerbread houses again this past Christmas and we didn't get time. I wanted to do that Easter hunt in the park but I forgot and next year who knows if I'll be home or not. I just know that this summer is gonna fly and it needs to slow down. Everything just needs to slow down because I have all this stuff to buy and all these things I want to do still and it's just all going so fast, it's going to fast and…."

"Sweet girl you do know that Manhattan isn't going to disappear while you're gone, right? We can make gingerbread houses next Christmas. Central Park does that Easter egg hunt _every_ year and we've only missed what, like, three since you were born."

"I know it's just college. I know there are thousands of kids going off to hundreds of different schools. I know all that I just…."

"Three hours and fourteen minutes, maybe less with a good tail wind. That's how long it'd take me to get up to Brown if you called."

"Do you even get a tail wind in a car?" asked Eve, but her mother's words were not lost on her. Her face lifted, lightened, and she smiled warmly.

"I don't know but I know if you were in trouble I'd borrow a squad car and use lights and sirens. Maybe I could even do it in three hours if I floored it."

"Mom you're insane! That is _not _a legitimate use of a NYPD vehicle!" giggling Eve rolled her eyes and gave Olivia playful shove.

"Baby girl if you needed your momma I'd commandeer a Koala, _fly_ up to Rhode Island and it would _still_ be legitimate use of an NYPD vehicle."

"So nothings gonna change, like, you know….." lowering her eyes Eve swallowed slowly, then chewing on her cheek she lifted them slowly and met Olivia's gaze, "… between us?"

"Eve you listen to me, you hear me when I say that **nothing** will **ever** change between us. We are a done deal, you and me kid. From the moment you first fixed me with those baby blues you had me. Wherever you go, whatever you do, the one thing that will _always _stay the same is how much I love you."

"It's not how I thought it would be having Calvin back…." was Eve's own, funny little teenage way of echoing Olivia's sentiment. Proving that the trust, the openness was still there and her advancing years were no threat to that.

"No?"

"It's been so long. Like, seven months, three weeks and four days long."

"Wow, that's a pretty accurate account of time there, babe…." noted Olivia, always having been very aware of how much Eve had missed Calvin but still surprised that she had clearly been making off the days.

"Is it supposed to feel different? After all that time? Am I supposed to care less? Am I supposed to feel like I don't just want to jump on him still?" hearing herself, wincing, and then blushing Eve cringed, "Sorry, that was too much. Awkward."

"I don't really think there's a 'supposed to' about any of it, sweetheart. There isn't really a set of rules or any logic you can apply. You can't change how you feel."

"I mean it's fine. I'm fine. He was here and we were friendly and Sam is just so excited to have him to hang out with again and that's cool. I want them to be buddies I really do."

"It's just pretty hard for you to have him around again, huh?" sighed Olivia, cursing herself that she hadn't realised as much the previous evening at the party. She of all people knew what it was to be able to look but not touch. She had spent years locked up in that particular glass box pretending her feelings toward her partner were purely platonic.

"Not hard exactly, just….." nipping her bottom lip with her teeth Eve hesitated before adding, "… well, I guess a little bit like having a Christmas present sat under the tree you can't open. I'm glad he's back, it's awesome. I guess it's also just kind of confusing."

"You know what will make talking about how confusing it is better?" then, without waiting for an answer Olivia winked, "Pancakes."

"You're gonna make me pancakes?"

"No, no I'm going to buy you pancakes. Come on, get up, get your little butt in that shower and we'll go for brunch somewhere."

"Thanks Mom."

"Evie about Calvin….."

"I know, I know what you're gonna say. You don't even have to. I'm still going to Brown in the Fall and he's based up at Fort Dum and we're still broken up and nothing has changed but I waited all this time to feel differently and I don't. I still love him every bit as much as I did eight months ago and that hasn't changed either and it just sucks. It just sucks and there's not a whole lot I can do about it."

"Babe…."

"Does it get easier? Like, how long do I have to wait for that? The part where it doesn't hurt to even just be in the same room as him?"

"I wish I could answer that for you Evie. God I wish I could but I can't."

"I'll go get in the shower….." sighed Eve, dragging herself out of bed and kissing Olivia's cheek on her way toward the bathroom, "… maybe I can drown some of the suckyness in carbs for now."

* * *

"El? Elliot?"

"Hmm."

"You awake?" was the question she was asking, but as Olivia gently shook Elliot by the shoulder it was more of a request. "Hey, babe?"

"I'm here, I'm awake, I'm good…." he mumbled groggily, prizing his eyes open and peering up at her from the pillow, "… hi? Hey. What's going on?"

"We need to talk about this retirement thing."

"We do? Right now?" he tested. Propping himself up on his elbow she glanced to the red alarm clock numbers and saw it was just after four. "We couldn't stick a pin in this till morning?"

"Fin said something to me at the squad the other day about my mother…."

"Okay, okay hold fire. Let me get up, let me get coffee. You feel cold…." he noted, grabbing for her hand, arm and then touching her cheek lightly before getting up out of bed and retrieving his hoodie from the back of a chair, "… here, put this on. I'll be back in a second."

"Thanks babe," smiled Olivia gratefully a short while later, when Elliot returned to bed with two generous mugs of coffee. Holding them while he settled himself back under the covers she passed his back, held his eyes, and then leant over and kissed him tenderly. "Thank you."

"So he's thinking that your mom has something to do with you being reluctant to retire?" asked Elliot, rearranging the pillow at his back and then leaning into it. He knew they would be sat here a while. He didn't mind a bit.

"I think he's onto something. I've been just lying here for hours and hours turning it over in my head. It's not the way he thinks, that I'd be letting her down somehow, because I wouldn't. She wanted me out of SVU long before she died. Yes, yeah I admit there may be something in my not wanting to step off in terms of the work we do for the victims but I can get around that."

"We've talked about other options? Boards you can sit on, charity work, even Huang and that FBI position he offered to put you in for? There are organisations all over this city who'd give their right arm to have the kick ass former SVU Captain on their team."

"It's home, Elliot."

"What?" he asked, not because he hadn't heard but because he needed her to say it again. He needed her to say more.

"I grew up there same way Evie and Sam grew up in this house. I learned to walk, to run, to be the person I am today at that precinct. Every major event of my adult life has taken place while I was working SVU."

"Babe I am such an idiot that I didn't see this sooner."

"Then I'm an idiot too…." with a gentle smile she reached down for his hand, stroking at his wrist with her fingertips. "It's just everything. I realise that now. It is just everywhere I've been, everything I've done, everything I am."

"Cragen?"

"And Rollins and every other face we've seen come and go. It's every victim I ever worked with. It's where I first met Calvin. It's where I lost Calvin. It's where I met you. It's all those years we were partners. It was where I spent a decade so desperate to have a child and where I was the whole time I carried Eve. It was those people, those walls, that job that have grounded me through every crisis and disaster and it was the once place I could **always** go back to."

"It's home."

"El I need to trust that I can say this to you…."

"Go on?" he pushed, holding her hand and meeting her eyes.

"I…."

"Liv, go on..." he repeated softly.

"I've lost a lot of people in my life. So many people have come and gone but I've survived it. I've been okay because so long as there was SVU I knew….." looking away, taking a breath, she whispered, "… that I would never be alone."

"Babe…."

"You were married to Kathy for over twenty years."

"Are you seriously asking me if you can trust that this is forever?" he asked, more than a little hurt that her insecurities clearly still ran deep but nevertheless understanding of the fact.

"Don't you look at me like that, don't you dare look at me like me saying that means I love you any less."

"Olivia you talk about SVU being everything to you but to me you're everything. You just are. I don't know how I can explain that to you so you believe it. How I just wouldn't work without you. How you are the best friend I ever had. How you're the other half of my sorry ass. I know you're scared to death. I know you've lost more people than anyone should ever have to but you won't lose me."

"I wouldn't survive it…." came the quiet, but terrifyingly honest avowal from a teary eyed Olivia.

"I know that SVU has always been what was left everything else was gone. I know the 16th was the safe place you could always come back to. I know that that job, those people, that shield has been home to you for so long but Liv this is home now. This house, this family….." lifting her left hand he kissed her wedding band as it sat snug on her finger, "… this marriage."

"I think maybe you've always been home to me El. I just never realised."

"Huh?" he murmured, leaning closer to her, kissing at her cheek. "What's that?"

"Before this house, our kids, and long before we were married. I've been coming home to you for years. Even before you knew it, even before I knew it."

"Yeah?" he asked, always just so relieved to hear her talk. To have her open up to him and shed a little light on the darkness inside of her that frightened him so.

"What I had when everything else was gone? The safe place I could always go back to? Yes it was Cragen and Fin, yes it was the routine and the belonging but mostly it was you. After the shooting, after Jenna, when you were gone and it was just SVU I was lost. It wasn't the same, it wasn't enough, and it wasn't home anymore."

"You gotta take your time with this, Olivia. Don't rush into something you'll regret. It has to be right. You have to be sure."

"It is right. I am sure. I thought I was when I woke you up but now I know I am. Sitting here with you, talking like this, it makes me realise how strong we are. It reminds me of how many nights we've sat up making these kind of big decisions together. I feel like this is the right thing for us Elliot. The right thing for our marriage, the right thing for our family….." and then, because his voice, his opinion, his vote was half the equation she smiled, "… what'd you reckon? Where's your head at?"

"This is your call, babe. This is your decision. It's your job, your shield, your choice. What do you want?"

"I want you to come with me tomorrow to the Chief of D's office so I can turn in my papers."

"Seriously?"

"I'll give them six weeks. I'll work notice till August to handover to whoever comes next and that'll give me enough time to convince them it's **got** to be Amaro."

"Am I allowed to grin like an idiot hearing this? Is that okay?" asked Elliot, already doing so but feeling terrible for it. Like it was somehow being insensitive, unsupportive, underestimating just how big of a deal this was to her. He waited for her to reply to the negative. He waited for her slight, her to appear in any way affronted. Yet she didn't. She just smiled at him.

"Elliot it has been a really, really long time since you were top of the list. I'm not unaware of that. I know that all these years it's been the kids, the 1-6 and then you. I didn't always mean it to be that way but I realise it was. You have been so patient, so kind and so uncharacteristically tolerant and…"

"Hey!"

"You're moving up the list, sweetheart…." she smiled, almost teasingly, that dry humour she effortlessly breathed as she leant in and kissed him lovingly, "… you're creeping into second place and you can grin, and you can be happy I'm quitting, and that is more than okay. It's your turn Elliot. I love you and you've waited a long time for this and it's your turn now."

"I could go back full time? You'll be at home with Sammy?"

"You can do whatever you want and I'll be wherever you want me to be….." she nodded, with conviction, contentment and unhesitating resolution, "…. six weeks from now I will just be your full time wife and their full time mom. I'll just be Mrs Stabler."


	44. The Right To Remain Silent

"I just don't feel like one of the guys there anymore, you know? Does that sound dumb? Does that sound, like, you know, really gay?"

"Gay? Don't be a moron."

"You know what I mean."

"Not when you talk like a jackass I don't."

"Cal, dude…."

"Sam you're better than that. You're not that guy. Don't be that guy, don't be that asshole. Gay isn't another word for you feeling like a retard so…."

"Retard? Oh, sure, that's really PC….." challenged Sam, ashamed of his own misspeak but not ready to let Calvin make the same mistake. Though different in age, background and often opinion the two boys were lightening quick to call each other out and to pull each other up by the scruff of the neck when required. "Okay so I was out of line there. So I said it wrong. My point is that school sucks. I hate those guys. They're idiots. They can't see past the chair and I want to punch them in their stupid, ignorant faces."

"Hey, hey where'd this all come from?" asked Calvin, as the two meandered through Central Park and he tossed stones into the shrubbery at their side. "When did you get so angry Stabler? When did you start sounding like…."

"You?" smirked Sam, increasingly proficient in handling his wheelchair and spinning to a halt as they reached a clearing. Running the wheels back and forth, tilting his head from side to side he laughed, "You know what I think it was pretty much around the same time I would up on two wheels and figured out who my real friends are."

"That's not you though. That's not who you are."

"It is now."

"Nah, nah you're just this quiet, sweet, awkward little dude. You're awesome but you're not angry."

"You've been gone a long time Cal."

"Yeah…." taking a perched seat on a nearby rock Calvin looked through aviator sunglasses at his younger friend and nodded slowly, "… yeah."

"I might only be a junior but you know what I feel like this thing has put a million years on me. I just can't take all their crap the way I used to. I mean most of the kids in my class always were idiots but I just lost patience or something. They're pathetic. All they care about is having the latest sneakers or which rally girl is baking them stupid cupcakes or which base they went to Saturday night. They don't get it."

"That chair salt your game?"

"What?" asked Sam, frowning slightly as hair that badly needed cutting fell in his eyes.

"I mean I know your legs don't work but, like, other stuff…." shrugging thick set shoulders Calvin smirked, man to man, "… how's that working out for you?"

"You're an idiot."

"I'm asking."

"What is this? Like freakin' Oprah or something?" spreading his feathers, craning his neck, feeling a little uncomfortably hot Sam avoided his friend's eyes. He felt awkward. He felt incredibly awkward. Yet somehow, in the beat of silence that followed after he felt relief. He was close with his parents but not that close. He couldn't talk to Olivia the way his sister could. He admired Elliot, he loved his father dearly but this was not a conversation any teenage boy wanted to have with family.

"Dude I'm not saying you're fucking Hugh Hefner so relax. Don't have a seizure. I just wondered if you could get it up…." so calm, so casual, so unassuming Calvin shrugged "….that's all."

"It's weird."

"Yeah?" there was absolutely nothing in the way that Calvin looked at him that made Sam feel uncomfortable. It was strangely organic. It was so easy, so candid, so raw and so honest. He truly felt in that moment that he could have said anything and his friend wouldn't even flinch.

"I guess sometimes, maybe, sort of. I don't really have that much to, you know, like, compare to. From before I mean. I was just a kid. I just played football. I didn't really care about girls and stuff."

"They're not ever gonna get it, bud."

"Huh?" asked Sam, understanding now what Eve had always complained about. It was like Calvin had whole conversations in his head. He was far quicker, smarter, shrewder than people gave him credit for and though he wasn't a man of many words his mind ran a mile a minute. Behind that brooding gaze was a wealth of experience. A profound understanding of the limits of the human condition.

"Your little friends in high school. You won't ever get them to understand. They're not capable of it. They didn't have to grow up overnight the way you did."

"It really sucks you're in the army."

"Does it?" smiled Calvin, flashing a white toothed grin and casting an affectionate gaze on the boy he had grown profoundly fond of.

"It's not the worst thing ever having you around."

"Is that right?"

"Shut up."

"You sound like your sister."

"How is that, by the way? How's that going?" but as soon as he'd asked Sam realised that Eve was probably the only subject imaginable that the two of them were not going to be able to speak of. She was beyond even their fraternal bond. "Okay, my bad, touchy subject."

"Not really."

"You miss her?" he couldn't help it. Though he may not have realised it yet Sam had his mother's acute awareness of others. Their feelings, their thoughts, their innermost fears and desires. Where Eve was a talker he was definitely a listener, not just to the sounds but to the body language, the facial flecks, the emoting beyond words.

"Nope."

"Liar."

"Look do you wanna go eat something? I'm hungry. I could eat a steak right now."

"Sure, sure whatever…." nodded Sam, reaching for his wheels and narrowing his eyes, "…but for the record she's been a real pain in the ass since you left. I'm thinking that's your fault. So, you know, in case you were wondering? I'm pretty sure she doesn't miss you at all either."

* * *

"Cal it's me, it's Eve, I know it's late. I know it's really late but I'm at this stupid prom party and it's awful. It's just bad. It's so bad. I came here for my Mom. She was so heart set on me going to prom and then my friend Chloe said it would be fine. She said we'd stick together. Only we're not together. She's upstairs in some bedroom at this house party we're at getting with some college guy she brought as her date even though we were supposed to be each other's dates. So now I'm just sat here like a total idiot in this stupid dress and I hate it. I hate her and this stupid, stupid night and I miss you. I miss you Calvin. I don't even care if it makes me sound pathetic. I don't care if we're broken up and it was all months ago for me nothing's changed. I still love you. I still want you. I want you here, now. If you were here then we'd just be making fun of these idiots and laughing and I miss that. I miss how you always make me laugh. How anything is something with you. Like, just going to the store or the park or getting ice cream or watching a movie. I miss all your action movies and the way you always hog the popcorn and burp all gross when you've chugged your soda. So if you miss me, even a little bit, even at all. You could come here. You could come here and we could hang out and just even be friends. I mean there are guys. I've had dates. I'm not asking for anything. I just miss you so, well, that's really all I have to say. I'll text you the address and just if you want to see me. If you want to, you know, I would like to see you. I would really like that. Okay, well I'm gonna go now because I'm a little buzzed and I think I've been talking for a really long time and the beep is just gonna cut me off so….."

* * *

"I just feel like any guy who keeps snails as pets has something to hide."

"Is that your professional opinion, detective?" smirked Olivia, drying her hands on a tea towel. Dressed down in jeans and a clean white t-shirt she had never looked more attractive to Elliot who watched her from across the kitchen. Leaning nonchalantly against the refrigerator he, once again, marvelled at how lucky he was.

"It was a dumb movie."

"Sammy liked it."

"Yeah, yeah he did didn't he…." smiling warmly Elliot recalled how Sam had laughed and laughed as they'd watched the bizarre comedy earlier that evening. "I just keep thinking about Mouse though. The last time I did this was with Lizzie and God love her she was such a goody two shoes back in the day I didn't have to worry a thing."

"She let you _believe _she was a goody two shoes."

"Are those jeans new?"

"No…." with a twisting smile she arched an eyebrow, "… why?"

"I just think I'm gonna enjoy Mrs Stabler's mommy wardrobe that's all."

"Elliot!"

"Sorry, I'm sorry…..he grinned, moving across the kitchen and grabbing for her waist, "….nah, nah that's a lie I'm not sorry at all." Shamelessly stealing a kiss he didn't care one ounce that she was fixing him with her best disapproving glare.

"Get your paws off me!"

"Say that like you actually mean it…." he challenged, as she melted into him and returned his kisses lovingly, "… yeah, no, I didn't think so."

"You know I reckon Evie must be having a pretty good time at prom after all. I was so sure she'd send out an SOS like a half hour in she was so adamant she didn't want to go. Maybe it isn't such a stupid, trivial tradition after all, huh?"

"Sam said he's had no text from her either so…." they both knew that of any of them Eve's most honest text would be to her brother.

"He's lining up the sequel in there…" said Olivia, stroking at his face and then holding his cheek while she kissed him again, "…. you gonna come watch with us?"

"Are we sofa snuggling again?" asked Elliot, because he could bear to sit through just about anything as long as he was doing so with Olivia in his arms. "Can I bring beer?"

"Yes, but I could stand to lose the running commentary this time. You're not nearly as hilarious are you think you are, even after a beer."

"I disagree, but okay, let's go see where the adventures of Snail Boy will take us next….." he chuckled, heading for the fridge in search of beer before following her back into the living room where Sam had lined up their next movie.

* * *

"Hi, hey, excuse me…."

"Oh well _hi there _gorgeous, who are you? Are you from school? I don't recognise that face. That's a good face. You're cute. You're real cute."

"I'm looking for Eve Stabler?"

"You are _really_ cute….." gushed the clearly beer buzzed teen as Calvin rolled his eyes and peeled her from off of his chest, "… you wanna fool around?"

"No, no I do not…." he muttered, depositing her on the nearest chair and indicating for her marginally more sober friend, "… she's gonna need a water, Blondie, can you get on that?"

"Do I know you?"

"I really just need to find Evie?"

"Oh she's in the kitchen!" came the guffawing snort from a boy unable to meet his mouth with his red solo cup of beer, "Dan Rogers is having seven minutes in heaven with Little Miss Stabler in the broom closet….."

"Where?" asked Calvin, unceremoniously pinning the drunk teen against the wall and glaring at him hard. "Where is she?"

"Kitchen!" repetition was not what Calvin had meant, but at any rate he soon found his own way there.

"Hey! Dude!"

"Shut the fuck up…." mumbled Calvin, rolling his eyes and wading his way through a sea of drunken teens. "When the hell did kids get so damn whiny? When'd you all lose your stones?"

"Hey! Hey, man, what you doing? Get out! It's not been seven minutes yet!"

"Yeah, no, don't give a shit…." said Calvin flatly, bursting into the kitchen broom closet and towering above the indignant seventeen year old who leapt in the doorway. "Move."

"Cal?" she knew that voice. Even behind the wall of beer and vodka, even with her heart rate slowed and her stomach churching she knew that voice. She had never been so relieved to hear anything in her life. "Calvin is that you?"

"Bambi?"

"Seriously man what's your deal? She's mine!"

"Shut up, asshole…." snapped Calvin, throwing a heavy forearm against the teenagers chest and flattening him against the wall, "… shut the fuck up before this becomes your seven minutes in hell."

"Hi…." swallowed Eve, grabbing for his t-shirt and wrapping her arms around the blissful warmth and comfort of his thickset waist, "… hi, hi I'm really drunk."

"Can you walk?" he asked, holding her waist and steading her. Bending slightly to catch giant pupils floating on those familiar blue eyes he narrowed his gaze, "You good? You okay? Hey? Hi? Talk to me?"

"I love you."

"Oh, okay, yeah…." he smiled, scooping an arm around her waist and holding her upright, "….let's get you out of here."

"You're a real dick, man."

"Yeah?" snorted Calvin, shaking his head with a blood boiling anger that tensed in every muscle as he looked at Dan Rogers with white hot contempt. "You think you're a real man here, huh? She's barely fucking conscious and you're a sick little bastard."

"I…."

"Calvin leave it, it's fine, please? Please, don't? Please just take me home?"

"You have no idea how she just saved your life, worm."

"Cal!"

"You so much as look at her again?" holding Eve tight under one arm Calvin held the other outstretched, pinning the boy to the wall and tightening his broad palm around his windpipe, "And I will break your neck. I will break your fucking neck."

"Okay! Okay! Man I'm sorry! I'm sorry I won't I swear!"

"She's not fucking yours….." floating through various states of cognizance Eve knotted her brows and concentrated intently, hoping desperately he was about to claim her as his own.

"Please don't kill me!" squeaked the increasingly alarmed teen in Calvin's grip.

"She's not anyone's, she's not a possession; she's not a piece of fucking meat….." warned Calvin with a steady, determined calm as he released the younger boy and waited a beat before finishing, "…. and if you breathe one word of whatever happened in this closet I will find you."

"Nothing happened! Nothing happened! I wasn't even in here with her!"

"Yeah, yeah….." nodding slowly Calvin tightened his grip on Eve and added, "… that's what I thought."

* * *

"I love you."

"Yeah, yeah you said….." chuckled Calvin, not listening to a word Eve said as she slurred her words at him sat on the curb outside the Stabler house, "… hey, hey keep your little hands to yourself."

"You like my little hands….." she teased, her thick fan of dark lashes batting drunkenly as she lolled against his shoulder and stroked at his thigh, "… you _love _what my little hands can do."

"Evie!" he snapped, grabbing for her wrist and throwing her hand back into her own lap. "Are you done throwing up? Are you empty yet? We can't go inside till you're finished."

"I really, just, really love you and you keep telling me to shut up but I'm very serious. I am a very serious. I'm serious very. I love you. It's not going away. I've been waiting but no. No it is not. It's just here, there, still…. "

"Here, drink this…" unscrewing the top of a water bottle he reached for both of her hands, wrapping them around it and encouraging it in the direction of her mouth, "… hold it, seriously, like, with your fingers. Grip it."

"Fingers, that's funny."

"Oh my God kill me now."

"You should do that thing, that tongue thing, with your tongue in my…."

"EVIE!"

"Oh your shouty whisper voice…." snorting a giggle and then hiccoughing she grinned over at him and bit her lip, "… my Mom does that when she's mad. Are you mad? Don't be mad at me. I love you. You're so pretty."

"Sit still, don't wiggle…." he instructed, dead pan and determined as he held a gentle hand at the nape of her neck and put the water bottle to her lips, "… drink, swallow."

"I always swallow."

"Bambi I swear to God…." he murmured, shaking his head and closing his eyes with restrained despair and tried patience.

"I want you back Cal. I do, I do I want you back. I don't know how or care or what? I just want you and these arms and you have really good arms and your stupid face is stupid and so cute and….."

"Drink, again, come on, attagirl."

"Cal I don't….." blinking slowly she leant forward, bracing her elbows against her knees and realising for the first time where she was sat, "… I don't feel good."

"No kidding."

"I'm serious everything's spinning."

"Yup."

"Don't leave me?" he panicked, still not quite sober enough to realise he never would.

"Course I won't leave you, you idiot. Just breathe, yeah? Fresh air is your friend right now. Fresh air and this water so keep drinking."

"If you hadn't showed up when you did….." the dark dawn of reality was deeply sobering and turning to him she swallowed a rising wave of nausea.

"Yeah, well…." he sighed heavily, rubbing with a repetitive, soothing motion at her back and stroking her hair from her shoulders. "He hurt you?"

"No."

"He touch you?"

"No…." she choked, looking away and feeling hot stinging tears burn at her eyes.

"Don't you lie to me."

"Nothing happened. I'm fine. I don't want to talk about it"

"You don't have a choice….." said Calvin quickly, turning sideways and grabbing gently for her face, stroking at her tear streaked cheeks with his thumbs and murmuring, "… look at me and tell me that? Look me in the eye and tell me he didn't touch you?"

"I….." grabbing her, hard, drawing her into his chest and holding her fast against it Calvin held her. Held her like he never planned to let go as she whispered tearfully, "Just over my shirt, it's fine."

"I'll kill him. I will **kill** that little bastard when I…."

"No!" partly because she was mortified even in her drunken state and partly because she believed him capable of it. Through the mist cloud of alcohol and tears in her eyes she looked at Calvin in that moment, stared deep into his eyes, and felt the breath leave her lungs. He would kill for her. It was not an idle threat. He was capable of it and his feelings for her were still, in whatever form, unspeakably strong. "I'm fine! Please, please God don't you do anything stupid. It's not that big of a deal."

"You wanna talk to Livia about how it's not a big deal? Because I swear if she knew she would…."

"I can't argue with you right now, please, I just can't….." falling back against his chest she grabbed at the soft material of his old black hoodie and nuzzled her face into it.

"Alright, okay, you're fine, you're fine….." now was not the time, he realised that, and so again he just cuddled her gently a while. Then, when she had gone a reasonable time without even retching he quietly coaxed, "You think you're ready for bed now? You think we can get you inside?"

"My legs feel like jello. I don't think I can make it yet. Maybe a little longer…." it was only partly her shaking legs, but mostly it was just that she just didn't want to go inside. She felt safe here. She remembered now how in his arms nothing else mattered. Nothing felt as bad, as difficult, or as painful.

"Nope, nah, come on, you gotta go to bed. First thing tomorrow your Mom is gonna check up on you at Chloe's house and you gotta have slept this off before then."

"I can't…."

"You don't have to…." he smiled, jumping up from the curb and then bending down he scooped her up like a floppy rag doll and gathered her into his arms. With a strong arm around her waist and the other tucked under her knees he carried her light frame swiftly down the driveway and through the house.

"Cal I don't feel good…."

"Baby you have no idea how not good you're gonna feel tomorrow morning…." smirked Calvin fondly, not unkindly, as he set her down on the bed and she closed her eyes and winced against the growing throbbing in her head. "Here, where'd you keep your aspirin? I'll get you a glass of water, this bottle's empty."

"This is tricky…." she slurred, when he returned a few moments later with a glass of cool water. Setting it down on her bedside table he spied painkillers on her dresser and retrieved them. Eve, meanwhile, struggled to free the clasp at the top of her zip that held her dress together at her shoulder blades.

"You look like a dying salmon."

"Hey!"

"Flip flopping around on that bed like a little fish on the deck."

"Are you gonna just laugh at me or are you gonna help, asshole?" chuckling to himself Calvin shook his head. Crossing the room he grabbed at her wrists and dragged her to a sitting position.

"Here, can you sit a second? No? Oh, crap, hang on….." as she swayed and waivered he flopped down onto the bed and propped her up. Sitting behind her he reached a hand to her bare tan shoulder, resting it gently as his right hand unfastened the clasp and traced the zip down her back.

"Thanks…." she swallowed, in a hair raising moment of sobriety as she turned eyes over her shoulder and met his.

"You're welcome…." he murmured barely audible in his response as they stared at one another in the darkness and spoke wordless volumes.

"I'm gonna throw up again…." brought them back to stark reality however as he lurched for the waste bin and held her hair as she heaved into it.

"You're alright, you're okay, just breathe it through." He had nursed more than his fair share of drunks in his time and never such a pretty one. Stroking at the now bare small of her back with a broad palm he calmed her, soothed her with soft utterances of reassurance.

"What the hell is going on in here?" came Elliot's voice suddenly from a new open doorway. Loud, angry, his blue eyes widening horror as he found Eve half-dressed and vomiting and Calvin clearly sober and in complete control.

"Babe what….." gathering a robe at her front Olivia, messed hair and makeup free joined the scene. "Calvin? Evie? Evie, baby what happened?"

"She's fine, she's just a little drunk she's…."

"She is **not** fine!" gasped Olivia, rushing across to the bed and taking over from Calvin as nurse.

"What the hell did you do to her?"

"Dad!"

"Get out."

"Dad….." but too weakened by her constant retching and the onset of a deep, drunken sleep Eve hadn't the energy to intervene as Elliot manhandled Calvin from the house. She couldn't bear Olivia's look of horrified concern or her father's anger and so she simply said nothing.

* * *

"So that's it, it's done, just like that. Simple, easy, just an envelope on a desk."

"It might've been simple Liv but we both know that nothing about this is easy."

"I am officially retiring from the NYPD."

"Yup."

"Six weeks and it's all over."

"You sound like you're having regrets?" asked Elliot with quiet concern, as the two stood together on a bustling New York street outside One Police Plaza. "Are you? Because I reckon there might be like, a cooling off period on these things. You could get back in there and…."

"No regrets Elliot…." she murmured, looking to him with a misty eyed smile, "… no regrets."

"Sure?"

"I am going to look after our son. I am going to learn how to knit. I am going to take walks and classes. I am going to kick our boozy little girl's ass several more times before she leaves for college so I can sleep at night when she's gone."

"Oh she was just sick as a dog still yesterday. I think that may well be punishment enough."

"I really just can't believe that it was Calvin who got her into that state. I can't believe that was really what was going on in her bedroom. Can you?"

"I don't _want _to but…."

"I mean I know those two are like magnets for each other but he wouldn't cross a line. He just wouldn't."

"He is twenty years old and he's been cooped up on an army base with all that that means for the past eight months. Liv you forget that I know guys like him. I _was _guys like him. He gets back here all chocked up on frustration and hormones and sees Mouse all blue eyed and besotted and it's just _so easy_ to…."

"She hasn't talked to me about it. That's really, really not like her."

"I know but…"

"If he'd really done what you want to believe he did. If he really tried to take advantage of her in that state then she'd be devastated. She'd be just inconsolable, truly she would. That kind of betrayal of her trust? She's not afraid of him. She has _never _been afraid of him even when she should've been. Not even when we were scared to death because she was so young and naïve and he was anything but."

"Like I said I don't want to believe the kid is capable of that but you saw what I saw. Her drunk out of her mind like a little rag doll and him undressing her. What was he even doing there? He wasn't at prom. What was he doing in her bedroom when she was supposed to be at Chloe's place?"

"I think that these are all really good questions babe, I do, I just think that they're ones we should be asking Evie not each other. I think that the fact she hasn't answered them already is a pretty good indication that we may well be assuming zebras here."

"I know where our heads are at but where's your heart? Gut feeling, what'd you reckon? Is he like his cousin? Have we been wrong giving him the benefit of the doubt all this time? Is Calvin the guy everyone thinks he is?"

"No."

"Okay….." said Elliot, not disagreeing but still nervous.

"My heart says that kid wouldn't hurt a hair on Evie's head. My gut says there's more to this. I don't know what happened but the fact that I don't makes me sure that what we walked in on was innocent. I don't know how she got into that state or how she would up with him not Chloe after prom but something isn't right here."

"Damn right it isn't. That boy hand her half-dressed and half conscious. He could've done anything to her and she'd have been powerless to stop it."

"She's barely said a word since it happened. She won't even look me in the eye."

"You're not reassuring me here, babe."

"It could just be her being embarrassed to admit she had way too much to drink and got _herself _into that state."

"Or she could be scared to tell us that something God awful happened in that bedroom….."

"Calvin isn't a perp, Elliot! He wouldn't do that. He just wouldn't."

"Are you sure of that? Could you bet your life on it? Because we're betting Evie's….."

* * *

"You boys have fun?"

"What do you like have a sixth sense for him or something?" asked Sam, rolling his eyes with a knowing chuckle as he navigated his way in through the widened Stabler doorway. He and Calvin had only been halfway up the driveway when his sister had appeared at the front door. She had either recognized the roar of Calvin's truck or been waiting for their return. Either way the tense dance the former couple were doing was exhausting to his simplistic fifteen year old mind.

"There's soda in the fridge. I went to the store. You coming in?" she asked, her eyes dancing on Calvin as they lingered in the doorway and Sam left them to it. "My parents won't be back for another hour or so. I know things are awkward with them but….."

"They are?" asked Calvin curiously. They had barely communicated since her prom night, save a few texts to ensure she was still alive the following day. She had been mortified not only by her drunken state but by the wild declarations of still burning love she had made. They weren't untrue, she just felt deeply embarrassed at the way she had expressed herself between bouts of vomiting. "How's that?"

"I mean because of the other night and all…."

"Huh."

"Cal I know I said a lot of things and…."

"You were wasted Bambi. We all say dumb stuff when we're that gone. I've forgotten it all."

"You have?" she asked, a little saddened. If had remembered the general theme of her ramblings she wouldn't have minded. In fact it would've made it a whole lot easier to figure out whether he still felt the same way. As it was she could do nothing but retreat, assuming he did not.

"Were your parents pissed?"

"They weren't thrilled. The next day wasn't the most fun I've ever had on a lot of levels."

"Yeah, yeah I'll bet…." he chuckled, imagining just how truly horrendous her first real hangover must've felt. "You talk to your Mom about seven minutes in heaven?"

"No…."

"Are we just gonna stay out here, by the way? Not that I'm not loving awkwardly standing here with you. I just figured we could maybe hang with the Samster? Grab a soda? I have this sick picture of my first solo flight that I reckon your Dad might dig."

"Yeah, no, I mean I'd love to invite you in but I just don't think it's such a good idea that you're here when they get home."

"Why?" he asked, genuinely unclear. "You got some family thing happening or?"

"It's just they're still pretty mad about the other night and…." it hurt her, it physically hurt and shamed her to see the realisation dawn on his face. Nodding his head and flashing a dark smile Calvin closed his eyes.

"Oh, oh I see. I get it."

"No, no it isn't like that it's….."

"So you're telling me that two sex crimes detectives _don't_ think I took advantage of their drunk seventeen year old daughter?" he challenged, understanding just exactly what she had meant. Elliot and Olivia had assumed the worst in him and she had let them.

"I…."

"You're a little shit Evie."

"Cal!"

"No, no you don't get to pull those eyes and that face with me. Not this time. This time you're in the wrong and you know it."

"I was just so embarrassed! I was so ashamed and they just think I'm their perfect little girl and I….." as her voice broke it was all so much more than being drunk on prom night, it was the whole world opening up and her being so scared to jump off the cliff, "…. gosh it's so stupid, so chicken shit an stupid but I just didn't want to disappoint them. I was just so scared to have them think bad of me so…."

"So you figured you'd just let them think I'm a sick son of a bitch instead?" snarled Calvin angrily.

"Calvin I'm sorry, I'm so sorry I didn't think…."

"I've worked my ass off trying to change their mind about me Evie. I have busted my balls for a year to convince your parents that I'm good enough for you and then you pull this crap? You throw it all away in one night because you'd rather have them think I'm a total asshole than tell the truth? That you had one too many beers and got yourself in trouble at a party?"

"I know I screwed up! I know I did and I'm sorry but….."

"You did screw up, you _really _fucking screwed up and it sucks. It's just shit because I think we both know that we're not done here. This thing between us? You and me? It's not over."

"It isn't?" like a firefly glowing in the twilight there was a glimmer of hope. Yes she had been a coward, an idiot, a child, but he still loved her. Even when he was boiling mad at her she could see that much in his eyes. "Cal I love you, I am still in love with you and…."

"Yeah well you know what you've got a real funny way of showing it."

"I'll tell them it wasn't how it looked! They'll know it's the truth, they know you! I swear to you Cal, I promise, once I tell them what really happened they'll be fine. It'll all be fine and…"

"I'm not so sure it will Evie."

"But…."

"I have done everything you ever asked. I have jumped through fucking hoops to be good enough for you. You know what? This time I'm the one who deserved better."

"I know."

"I deserved to have you in my corner. You owed me that. Not even as your boyfriend, just as a friend, just as a fucking person. I deserved to have you stand up and say he wouldn't do that. He would **never** do that and you know what Livia, you know what Elliot, you **know **he wouldn't."

"Calvin I'm sorry. Please? Please?"

"I gotta go…."

"Cal!"

"Let me go Bambi, don't follow me."


	45. Time For Me To Fly

_**A note from your author!**_

_**First off fear not with regards some quality E/O time. Be patient, they have not been forgotten. There is actually a chapter entirely dedicated to Olivia on the horizon. Sammy will also be getting a chapter entirely to himself :)**_

* * *

"That is not the girl I raised Evie."

"I know Mom."

"She wouldn't let someone else take the fall for her mistake."

"I know….." mumbled Eve miserably, as the two stood together in the kitchen.

"She wouldn't rather see someone she loves be incredibly hurt than speak up and take responsibility for her actions."

"I'm so sorry."

"I know you are Evie but it's what and why you're sorry that we need to talk about. Are you sorry because I'm pissed at you? Are you sorry because you're scared that Calvin might not be so quick to get past this?"

"No! I mean yes, yes those things but I'm sorry too because I let you down. I did know better. I do know better. You _did _raise me better than to behave that way and I'm just so sorry that I lost my head. I was stupid and selfish and I know just exactly how much your approval means to Calvin and I still didn't speak up. That's shitty. That's just so shitty because he's worked so hard to be better and to be a good guy and you, you're just his Achilles hell Mom and….."

"Hey, hey, no tears, remember? We're having a conversation. We're two adults having a conversation. And less of the 'shitty' please, potty mouth."

"Okay, okay no tears I promise…." nodded Eve quickly, tugging at the corners of her eyes with her fingers to ensure it was true. It was so easy just to go to pieces when she knew Olivia was angry or upset with her. She just wanted to dissolve into sobs like that little girl she knew had her mother wrapped around her little finger because it was so much easier that way. Only she couldn't do that this time. Olivia had made it very clear to her that with the privileges and responsibility and trust she had been afforded came the flip side of the coin. She must own her mistakes like a young woman now.

"So you screwed up. You let me down and you let your dad down. We'll get over it. We know that isn't who Calvin is. We know that isn't who you are Evie. I think that deep down Calvin knows that isn't who you are too but the question is….." tilting her head in challenge Olivia asked with quiet, firm determination, "… how are you going to prove it to him? How are you going to make this right?"

"Well I'm going to apologise first off."

"Good, that's a great place to start."

"To start?" asked Eve, genuinely a little horrified that it might not be enough.

"Baby you know him. You know how he thinks, how he's wired. Trust is just **everything** to him. He hasn't had the luxury of being able to rely on people in his life the way you have."

"I really was an ass, huh? I really was a little shit."

"Uh, well, I'm not sure I'd put it quite like that."

"Potty mouth, right, sorry."

"That wasn't exactly what I meant this time but….."

"Letting you down is just the last possible thing I would ever want to do Momma. It's the one thing I'm most afraid of….." having to heed her own warnings Olivia choked back tears and forced a little smile, "… so please, please believe me when I say that I'm sorry and I'll do better? This will be the last time I screw up I swear it."

"This won't be the last time you screw up, sweetheart. It's a party of growing up. It's being human. It's figuring out the kind of person you want to be. I trust that whatever version of my little Evie G you become she will be smart and kind and strong enough to acknowledge her mistakes and to learn from them. You'll learn from this, babe. It's just another bump in the road."

"Can I ask you something?"

"You know you can."

"Is it weird that I can't let him go? Am I some kind of freak that even though we're broken up I still want him so badly?"

"No, no it doesn't make you a freak…." oh gosh all those years she'd wanted Elliot. All the laughter and tears and aching for him to be more than he was to her came flooding back as she looked at Eve. Elliot was so much further out of her reach than Calvin was from Eve and she understood. She knew this colour of pain.

"Not even like that, not even because he's gorgeous. I mean he is. He's just super cute and built like a tank and that _is _part of the problem. That's a big part of the problem but also I just like talking to him. He makes me laugh. Just being around him is fun and I don't want that to end. I don't want that to be over even if we are."

"He's your friend, baby. More than that he was your first, he was your first everything. Don't underestimate how strong those feelings are. They won't just disappear overnight. You're _not _a freak, sweetie. You're just a girl who fell in love with a boy the way millions did before you and millions will afterward."

"But I didn't fall out of love with the boy….." wrinkling her nose Eve shrugged her shoulders and smile with all that wide eyed innocence Olivia so treasured and adored, "… how do I do that?"

"Okay baby girl I'm just going to hug you now….." sighed Olivia, closing her eyes and drawing Eve in to a tight cuddle, "… because you are just the most adorable thing and I really can't answer that question. I wish I could. You have no idea how much."

"I changed my mind Momma. I think I'd be better off just staying a kid forever. I did the sex thing and now I'm stuck in love with Calvin. I did the drinking thing and I puked my guts up for hours and hours. I'm really not so sure if I should even risk going to college because I just suck at this whole growing up thing so far and…."

"Evie? Eve? Babe?" catching her attention and her eyes Olivia shook her head and smiled adoringly. "Don't you get it? Don't you see? Sucking at everything **is** the whole growing up thing."

"Humph…." said Eve flatly. Laughing loud, laughing hard, feeling it in her belly Olivia hugged Eve again and rolled her eyes to the heavens.

"Oh baby girl, oh my sweet girl. So you wanna know a secret?"

"Yeah?" finding her smile Eve gave a slow nod.

"It doesn't get any easier….." and as Eve's pretty little face fell a hundred stories Olivia added quickly, "… but babe, I promise, you get better at dealing with it all. You get stronger and wiser and you learn as you go and _handling_ it gets easier."

"I hope you know I'm gonna hold you to that?" warned Eve with a wry smile, but nonetheless pacified by her mother's reassurances.

"Go talk to Cal. Be honest, be you. He's a good kid with a big heart and he loves you. I have a hunch you'd have to do more than get drunk and fail to defend his honour to have him stay mad at you for long."

"I'm gonna go talk to Dad first…." said Eve, rallying herself for the next hurdle.

"Evie?" called Olivia, waiting for Eve to turn before smiling. "Love you."

"I love you too Mom."

* * *

"Hi."

"Hey."

"Is it an okay time? To talk I mean? Only if you're busy or…."

"Yeah, yeah no Bambi my schedule is pretty rammed so…." turning up the corners of his mouth Calvin used the free and that wasn't nursing a beer to grab for Eve's wrist and pull her into Fin's apartment, "… I'm kidding. Get in here you idiot."

"I am so sorry Cal."

"Evie…"

"No! No let me talk? Please? I've been rehearsing the whole subway ride over here and I have just everything I want to say planned out so please just hear me out? Just listen a minute?"

"I'm all ears…." he replied, this time sincere. Sitting opposite her as she perched nervously on the edge of the sofa he watched how anxious she was. Her whole body was tensed, her eyes darting awkwardly back and forth. This meant something to her. Then when she looked over at him he got a sense it just might mean everything to her.

"Well first off it starts with I apologise. I just apologise for everything that went down. The state I got myself into at prom. The fact that I called your cell rambling like an idiot and then carried on and on when you picked me up while kinda puking on your shoes."

"You _did _puke on my sneakers. They still smell kinda fruity."

"But mostly Cal I am just so sorry that I didn't speak up. I should've said something right away. I should've said something when my Dad was shouting at you to leave. I should've said something the next morning. I should've said something. I should've defended you. You deserved that. I owed you that. You were right in what you said, every word. I was a coward. I couldn't stand to have them realise how badly it was _me _who'd screwed up."

"It's hard to let your halo slip with them. It's hard."

"I didn't really even think about what it was they were thinking. I wasn't thinking that clearly. I wasn't thinking at all. That was kind of the problem."

"Yeah, yeah no for a little dork you're kinda dumb sometimes."

"You know for the record they _didn't_ really think that of you. Oh sure my Dad flies off in the heat of the moment but you should know if he'd really thought you'd crossed the line he'd have kicked your ass. Like, he'd have broken some bones. He'd have killed you."

"I actually believe that."

"And my Mom? She knows you would never hurt me. She knows that. She knows **you**, Cal. She didn't doubt you, she didn't doubt you for a second….." locking his eyes she whispered with conviction, "… and it is really, **really** important that you know that."

"Okay."

"They're pissed at me. They are so pissed at me and they're right. I was a crappy girlfriend, well, we're not together anymore but I was a crappy friend. Hell I was a crappy person. I'm not that girl, I'm not. At least I don't want to be. You have never _once_ in the whole time I've known you been afraid to own your mistakes. You would have spoken up."

"You weren't a crappy person Evie. You're just so damn scared of letting Livia down…." with a nodding smile he shrugged, "…and I get that. I really do."

"You know this whole time all we've talked about is how you're a bad influence on me but it's total bull. You are good and you are strong and you're kind and most of all you're honest. You're honourable Calvin, even when the world has given you no reason to be."

"Well how about that…." lifting his arm and laying it out on the arm of the chair he sat in his palm fell open within her grasp, "… how about that."

"You would've spoken up….." she echoed, reaching out her hand and sliding it into his, locking their fingers and smiling, "… and I was a little shit for not doing."

"I guess I did call you a little shit, huh?"

"I'm sorry, Cal….." teary eyed she had never meant anything more in her life as she mouthed emphatically, "… I'm so sorry."

"Get over here, get here, come here….." tugging at her arm he dragged her over into his lap and parcelled her into his arms, "… it's cool, it's okay."

"No, no it…."

"Bambi you screwed up. You apologised. It's done. We're all good."

"But….."

"You gonna try talk yourself out of your pardon?" he smirked, amused. "Because that's not so smart, just so you know. That's kind of a dumb idea."

"But you're not still mad at me? You know, like, secretly?"

"No, no I'm not. Partly because I'm not a seventeen year old girl and insane but mostly because that's not my bag…." he was funny, she hadn't forgotten but it was so good to be reminded, "… and you know it isn't. If I'm pissed at you I tell you. You know about it."

"Yeah, yeah I guess."

"The earth is round. The sky is blue. Shit is brown. You mess up, you acknowledge it, and you apologise: done. The earth is still round, the sky is still blue and I still love you."

"You do?" she gasped, pulling away from their cuddle and smiling a little breathless.

"Course I do…." very deliberately kissing at her cheek and then her forehead he pulled her back into a bear like hug before the burning embers were able to rekindle a flame, "… always."

"Oh! I almost forgot. So, like I said, my mom and dad are pissed at me not you and they wanted me to invite you to come watch the baseball with us on Saturday. Sammy pretty much told me to tell you not coming isn't an option so, you know…."

"Livia and Mr Stabler? They think this is a good idea?"

"It was actually my Dad's idea…." answered Eve honestly, meeting his eyes so he knew just how true it was, "… he bought you the extra ticket."

"They really want me there?"

"And so do I….." she smiled, reaching to his face and stroking at his thickset jaw lovingly, "… will you come?"

"Yeah, yeah I'll come. I'll be there."

"And it was actually my turn but I was thinking it would be fun if….." leaning out of his lap to fish for her purse she rummaged down into it and then snapped back into his arms triumphant, clutching a Yankee jersey, "… if you wore this."

"Seriously?" he was grinning, like a Cheshire cat, like a total idiot he flashed white teeth in a delighted beam. "The lucky jersey? The famous Stabler family lucky jersey?"

"But you know with great power comes great responsibility."

"Is that right Uncle Ben?"

"You know Spiderman?"

"Yeah, yeah I know Spiderman, Bambi. I grew up poor not Amish."

"Shut up!" playfully swatting his chest she tossed her eyes. "So the jersey wearer has to take everyone's bets on the winning score. They also have to choose who has to go get snacks. If I were you I'd just pick my mom every time though because my Dad can never remember our orders and if she's had a beer she's always brings back extras."

"Livia buys the snacks, got it."

"You also get to choose what restaurant we eat at afterwards. That's a big deal, trust me. I'll just tell you which one to pick."

"Nope, no you will not."

"Cal!"

"The jersey wearer, that's me by the way, chooses steak at Philly Joe's."

"Oh my God my brother is going to _love _you for that. It's like his hands down favourite restaurant of all time and…" pausing mid-sentence she caught something his expression, a flicker in his eyes, and smiled warmly, "… but you knew that, didn't you?"

"No…." he lied, instinctively stroking at the small of her back with a protective, comforting hand.

"Yes…." she countered knowingly, nestled up in his lap like it was the only place left on earth, "…. you know you really are pretty cute sometimes."

"I have my moments."

"Shut up!" she yelled again, giggling, leaning, falling against him and pushing at his chest before grabbing at a handful of his t-shirt and unexpectedly finding herself meeting his eyes. "Hi…"

"Don't."

"What?"

"You know what those eyes do to me. You're all curled up in my lap like a warm little cat. It's very cosy. It's too cosy. This is a bad, bad idea."

"Cosy?" sometimes words sounded so comical coming out of his mouth. All that brawn, all that rippled muscle and physical strength and then a love of cuddling that was just precious to her.

"Nothing's changed Bambi…." he murmured, stroking long waves of hair over her shoulder, running his fingertips over the tan skin of her collarbone.

"I know it hasn't….." came the whispering reply as she teased feather light kisses against his jawline, "… that's just it, that's the problem. Nothing's changed."

"You know what I meant. You know what I mean. So as much as it pains me…." uprooting them both from their seat he grabbed his wallet and phone from the coffee table, and then held out his hand to her, "… wanna go catch a movie? Get ice cream? You hungry?"

"Oh actually there's this new artist named Joanie Rudder and she's got an exhibit in the Village. It's open today?"

"Is she one of your people who just throws paint on a wall and calls it art?"

"She's modern if that's what you mean, asshole."

"Super, super well _I'm_ excited….." and as Eve threw him Olivia's best withering glare and eyebrow arch of disapproval he snorted a laugh and draped an arm around her lovingly, "…okay, alright, I'm sorry. Let's go see what Joanie has to say for herself."

* * *

"For the first time in my life I felt like people were listening to what I had to say. I wasn't coupon girl. I wasn't the kid who whored her way through nursing school. I had a voice. They valued my opinion and what I did with the doctors down there mattered."

"Texas I can't tell you how incredible that all is to hear. Even just to see you, look at you! You're gorgeous….." smiled Olivia warmly, as she sat at her desk opposite Texas, "… you look like a different girl to the one I saw eight months ago."

"I think I **am **a different girl to the one you knew then. Sophia changed me. Not just because I'm a mother now and I'll always be. She made me see that you don't have to come from good to be good and to do good. Giving her up was the hardest decision I'll ever have to make but you should see her now. I brought you a picture?"

"Get that thing out, sweetie! I want to see!" never had anyone known another human being ooze such love and kindness. Olivia was unlike any person she had ever met before. She adored her in the purest most compete sense of the word.

"They send me stuff sometimes. Photos of her, pictures she's made. Here, this is her at her first swim class…"

"Oh my God look at that, look at how precious she is…." cooed Olivia, still undeniably molten at the sight of any baby, "… look at those little hands and feet."

"She just has everything. Everything she needs and everything she doesn't know she wants. They got her a Spanish tutor too. Even though she's just a baby they want her to get a head start. They want her to be bilingual."

"Like her mom…" nodding slowly Olivia felt suddenly quite choked.

"I did good Olivia. I did the right thing for my daughter."

"Yes, yeah you did sweetheart. You really did. What about you though? More aid work? Do you think that's something you're going to pursue as a career?"

"I'm gonna stay in the city a while. I wanna spend some time with Calvin while he's home and go back to shifts at the hospital to save some money. I'm crashing on a friend's sofa right but now her roommate is moving out so I'm hoping I can maybe make it more permanent."

"Sounds like you've got it all figured out."

"I'm trying to. I don't want to fall apart. I don't want my past to be who I am. I watched Vivian slowly killing herself for so long and I can't do that. I got a second chance and I'm going to take it."

"Hey Captain Stabler where'd you want me to put th….." bursting in unannounced a tall, dark young man presented himself in the doorway with a large cardboard box and a blushing smile, "… oh, man, sorry I didn't realise you were in here with someone."

"Evidently…" replied Olivia, and it delighted Texas to see how quickly she transformed into her professional self. "How can I help Gil?"

"I'm just helping my Dad bring some of his stuff in from the car. He said to bring it into his new office and that's here, right?"

"What?" asked Texas with surprise. They had not yet gotten to Olivia's news in their catch up. "But this is your office isn't it?"

"Five weeks today it'll be Captain Amaro's….." saying the words, hearing them out loud made Olivia's stomach turn and Texas could see in her eyes she was far from being at peace with the situation, "… you can start stacking stuff in that corner. Just don't block the doorway."

"Okay, okay there's probably just another five or six more so…."

"Then I think that's our queue for me to take you out for lunch, sweetheart …." groaned Olivia quietly, getting up from her desk and winking at her young friend, "… go get your purse?"

"Yes M'am…." said Texas with a smirk, scurrying off to retrieve her belongings from Fin's desk.

"Who was that?" asked the young gentleman, who's eyes locked on Texas as she left and followed her the whole way across the squad room.

"Uh, that would be my friend Texas….." replied Olivia, injecting a protective caution into her voice as she watched the way his eyes danced.

"Like, for the state?" for an intelligent boy sometimes Gil Amaro was not particularly quick off the mark. Luckily for him he'd inherited his parents' looks and there was relatively little that suave Amaro charm couldn't achieve. She had always been acutely aware of that with Nick, and his son was no different.

"No, no genius the other Texas."

"Oh…." he smiled, brushing off any potential embarrassment with a casual shrug before pushing curiously, "… so what's her story then?"

"I think that that's probably something you would have to ask her."

"Huh…." he nodded, clearly not taking her hint. Exhaling slowly Olivia rolled her eyes heavenward, and threw him a bone.

"She's pretty crazy for good coffee and red velvet cake….."

* * *

"You're feeding an addiction there, you do realise?" noted Olivia as she watched Calvin hold Eve's hotdog under the ketchup spout and daub it in red sauce.

"If you can still see the hotdog…."

"…. there's not enough ketchup…" nodded Olivia, finishing the sentence that quoted Eve and rolling her eyes. "My daughter has a problem, and you? You're an enabler. That's what you are."

"Here, swap?" he instructed, trading her for the two plain hotdogs still in her hand. "Sammy likes mustard right?"

"Yeah…." he remembered little details like that, she noted fondly. He had automatically ordered her fried pickles, having heard her talk about her love for them often enough. He remembered Eve's and Sam's condiment preferences though they hadn't reminded him that day.

"So Fort Drum, huh? That's still a pretty long drive from Rhode Island."

"You've been talking to Bambi…." he said, lifting his eyes to Olivia and flashing the closest thing to a coy smile that he would ever come, "… and yeah, yeah it is, but we'll figure it out. People survive worse."

"She said you'll only be up there for a few weeks anyway? That you're division is normally based down at Fort Bragg."

"Yeah, yeah another month and then I gotta go back down with my guys."

"Your guys?" she couldn't help but smile. He came alive when he talked about the army. "82nd Airborne….." shaking her head with awe and fondness Olivia noted, "… if your mom could see you now. Seriously, kid."

"You want sauce on your deep friend grossness?" he deflected, gesturing toward the cardboard try of pickles Olivia held. "Oh, crap, wait. Can you hold this?" asked Calvin, as his phone began to vibrate loudly in the pocket of his jeans. He looked good in Elliot's lucky jersey, she thought to herself: like he belonged.

"If that's Evie chasing her snacks tell her that her mother says she's a pain in the butt and she can fetch her own next time."

"Will do…." grinned Calvin, setting down the food in his hands and stepping aside to answer the call. "Calvin Arliss. Yes, yes Sir. Understood. Yes, absolutely, 0800 hours. Roger that. Sir yes sir. Out."

"They want you back in North Carolina sooner than you thought?" asked Olivia easily, piling their food onto a plastic tray without turning to look at Calvin.

"Yeah, yeah they do."

"Sweetheart?" turning slowly it was only a heartbeat until Olivia knew what the call had really been about. It was in his eyes. "Cal?" she pushed, reaching a hand to his forearm and holding it lightly.

"They're calling me back early so I can deploy with my bridage."

"When?" she asked, and then with her heart in her throat added, "Where?"

"Monday….." came the gruff, growling response as Calvin lifted his gaze to hers, "… Iraq."

"Okay, okay, well….." taking a breath Olivia forced herself calm; she could indulge her own fears later. In that moment it was about him. It was about how despite his determined jaw, his accepting allegiance there was still that beautiful little boy lost caught in his eyes that broke her heart. "Then Monday it is. We'll work with that. We'll have you down there ready."

"We should get these back to the others before they go cold…."

"Cal, sweetheart, I know that there must be a million and one things going on in that head of yours right now. I need you to take a beat. I need you to stand here with me a minute and let it sink in. Let it stick. I really need for you to let me just breathe this through with you…." hesitating a beat she trusted him, "… _before _we go back to Evie and the boys."

"I'm fine."

"That doesn't have to be true right now. Right here, right now, with me? You can say and feel whatever the hell you want. I can take it. I can field any ball you hit. As he shifted his weight between feet, hanging off her every word Olivia narrowed her eyes, "But Evie? Babe she is a sweet, seventeen year old kid who loves you more than anything. We need a plan. We need a strategy. We need to figure out, before we go back there, how we're going to help her handle this."

"She can't know you know. She can't know you knew first, before she did. I can't manage her with you like some kind of project. It isn't cool. It isn't fair. She's seventeen; she's not a moron Livia. She's not a child."

"She is **my** child."

"I know you wanna protect her, I know that. I do too. I just think she knew this was possible. She knew right from the start that soldiers don't just dick around on US posts, they fight wars."

"I'm listening."

"I trust her. I trust how strong and how smart she is. I trust that she doesn't need babying. She might be your child but she's not a kid. I would _never _have gotten into this with her if I didn't believe that."

"Did you have to fry your own pickles or something?" came a familiar voice as Eve bustled her way through the crowd and joined them at the condiment stand. "Where the heck did you two get to all this time? I'm the official search party."

"Sorry, sorry we got a little….." hesitating a moment Olivia's eyes darted to Calvin, "… distracted."

"By what?" came the instant question from Eve, who looked between the two of them and took all of a second to deduce something was wrong. "What's going on? You're both weird. Cal you are a _horrible _liar and Mom you're covering for him."

"Wow…." mouthed Olivia, her brown eyes widening at Calvin. Eve was good, incredibly so. She knew Calvin better than even Olivia had realised, though it came as no surprise Eve had seen straight through her. Her daughter had been able to read between her lines since she was only ankle high. It was a blessing and a curse, but mostly a blessing.

"Livia?" said Calvin, because he needed her sign off. Where Eve was concerned he need her approval. Though he didn't believe her a child Olivia still held veto power. Slowly, steadily, Olivia met his gaze and nodded.

"What?" asked Eve frankly, turning to Calvin and looking up at him. Giving her head a little shake she shrugged her shoulders, "What is it? Are you going down to Fort Bragg sooner than you thought or?"

"I'm deploying, Bambi. I gotta re-join my brigade and we leave for Iraq first thing Monday. I just got the call…." and because he knew she needed to hear it he added, "….so I've literally known, like, six minutes longer than you have baby."

"Oh…." her pink lips made a perfect circle, before falling to a tremblingly brave smile, "… oh I see."

"I'm gonna go take these to Sammy and El…." hearing him call her 'baby' and seeing the way they looked at once another Olivia realised, to her joy and dismay, that she did not belong there. She had to trust Eve's strength and maturity the way he did. She had to give them the space to breathe through this moment as, if nothing else, very dear friends preparing to say goodbye. "You know where to find us."

"Thanks Mom."

"Yeah, yeah thanks Livia."

"How are you? How you doing? How you feeling?" asked Eve, a little breathless as she fired off the husky voiced questions. "You okay?"

"I'm okay…" he nodded quietly, drawing his face to a warm smile of concern, "… you?"

"Honestly?"

"Always."

"I'm scared to death Cal. I don't want you to go. You know this all started with those tiny little models you used to build with Sam in rehab and I always had this feeling one day we'd wind up here. When you enlisted, when you took the oath, when you went off to basic it was all leading here and it was always going to suck. I don't want you to go but I understand that you have to. Otherwise it's just all for nothing, right?"

"So you get it?" he marvelled, constantly stunned by her ability to swing from giggling teen to exquisitely profound compassion and understanding.

"Cal will you do something for me?"

"Anything."

"Go to prom with me? Ask me to prom?"

"What?" he laughed curiously. "You already had prom. I mean granted you probably don't remember any of it but trust me it happened."

"Wear a dress shirt. Come call for me. I'll wear something pretty. I'll pack us food and you can drive us out to that place we went the night we first…." blushing rose cheeked she fluttered her lashes unconsciously at him, "… and we'll just put the radio on and dance and be stupid idiots like we always are and not give a crap and it'll be everything the real prom wasn't. It'll just be the perfect….." the words caught in her throat as her eyes hinted at tears and she smiled sadly, "… just the perfect way to say goodbye."

"Okay."

"Yeah?" she grinned, biting on her bottom lip as her heart fluttered in anticipation.

"You wanna go to fake prom with me Evie G?" playing along, doing what she asked, doing anything she asked he smirked amusedly. "I'll look pretty fucking stupid in a monkey suit but…."

"Cal!" she snapped, giving her head a little shake and fixing him with powerful blue eyes.

"Pick you up at six?"

"I'll be waiting…." softening to a wide grin she gathered up the snacks and drinks Olivia had been unable to carry and gave his arm a nudge, "… come on you, let's go back to the others. Before I get chance to really think about the whole Iraq thing."

"Yes ma'am….." he chuckled, following her back to the Stabler family's seating spot, "… right behind you."


	46. Goodbye Evie Stabler

_**N.B. - Sam's absence is intended. You'll know what I mean ;)**_

* * *

"He'll never walk again."

"Liv? Oh, babe, what's going on?" asked Elliot softly, keeping his arm firmly clamped around her shoulder and kissing at her temple as she began to softly weep. Brushing away silent tears, flushing a little, self-conscious Olivia shook her head and turned away.

"Ignore me."

"No….." insisted Elliot, as the two parents sat together watching Sam's first competitive wheelchair basketball game.

"I'm just tired, it's nothing…."

"Olivia we've been down this road before. Remember what we've always said? Remember what you've always promised me? I need for you to talk to me, Liv."

"I think…." she twisted herself inward, she knew that. Ever since she had been that little girl hiding in the dark listening to the chink of Serena Benson's ice sloshing around the vodka in her glass as she'd lurched around the kitchen. If you don't say it, if you squash it far enough down inside of you then it isn't real. It isn't happening.

"Evie? College? Calvin deploying?" educated guesses though they were Olivia shook her head quietly.

"No, well, yes. All of the above, but I just….." lifting her eyes back to the court she watched Sam shoot the basket and smiled painfully, "…..this is his life now."

"Sammy?"

"I feel awful. It is so awful after all the things we've said to him. All the times we've preached to him about acceptance and realistic expectations and adapting to his new lifestyle and it not being the end are all well and good in theory. Only that is my boy. That is my son and he is never going to walk again Elliot."

"I know."

"I watch Evie, I see her and all the possibilities she has and I'm so excited for her but it just makes me think of all the things that aren't going to be possible for him. The thrill of the crowd on a Friday night, chasing his first girlfriend up and down the beach at Coney Island, dancing at prom, walking across a graduation stage. It's not like me to think like that, but I can't help it."

"So it's gonna look a little different for him, yeah, that's true. Doesn't mean he's not gonna be able to have all those things if he wants them though. Maybe he won't want them. He might have a whole bunch of other awesome stuff happen to him that we just haven't even thought of yet."

"I think that I just have this idea that somehow I didn't do enough. They came into this world perfect, just completely perfect. His little nose and wild bedhead hair and how sweet he is. How sweet and how kind, even when he was little. I just can't bear for him to lose that because of how hard he's going to have to fight for his life. It's not about him being in a wheelchair. I know he's the same boy, I know he'll do great things, I just hate that he's going to have to struggle. He's going to have to work harder to get the same things as Evie and I can't change that. It just is what it is and that's hard. That's hard for me."

"You don't think you had to work harder for your life than most of your graduating class?" he noted, fixing her with challenging, loving blue eyes. "You had to struggle, babe. Where most kids had two parents spoon feeding them every step of the way you were looking after your mom. You were coming home at night without any clue what you'd find. It made you stronger. It made you who you are and I gotta tell you I might be biased but I happen to think you're the best person I know."

"I guess I never thought about it like that."

"Some of the best athletes, the greatest musicians, and the smartest people had to fight for their lives. It's what gave them their fight, it's what made them smart and strong. I am not worried about our son. Just over a year ago he was being stretchered out of a car wreck and now he's playing basketball with his team. I'm not worried at all."

"At all?"

"He'll be fine, Liv. We'll make sure of it."

* * *

"I need to take this one."

"Do you?" asked Olivia, pulling a face as Eve held up yet another weighty tomb. "Babe I'm not sure that you're gonna need an in-depth history of the Iroquois in your freshman year. Unless it's to hold your door open."

"But I love that book and….."

"I know you do. I remember how I had to haul it around Florida in my purse. I remember how you entertained your poor brother with stories of the "People of the Longhouse" for hours and hours in the backseat."

"They're our people. You think you're a hard core New Yorker but Mom I gotta tell you, you don't got nothin' on the Iroquois."

"Don't have anything."

"I was kidding. I was being gangster."

"Evie Grace Stabler you wouldn't know gangster if it came up and bit you."

"Uncle Fin says…."

"Yes, well….." snapped Olivia, narrowing her eyes the way she always did and twinkling them at Eve, "… you know just _exactly_ how I feel about some of the things your Uncle Fin teaches you."

"That book reminds me of fighting with Sammy and Dad rolling his eyes because I wouldn't shut up and that little outfit you made me so I could dress up as a little Iroquois. The book comes with me. I don't care if I have to sacrifice a pair of shoes or a purse or something for it."

"Sacrifice a purse?" arching a brow Olivia cracked a smile as Eve rolled her eyes.

"I know, I know, right? I'm adopted. I can't possibly be your daughter."

"Okay, okay you win the book goes in the bag….." smiled Olivia with a gentle roll of her eyes. They had begun the slow task of deciding what would and wouldn't be accompanying Eve to Brown earlier that week. Somehow making it an activity they were sharing together made her feel better about the whole process, yet she still primarily lived in denial. She had entirely shifted her focus from the main goal: that Eve would be leaving for Rhode Island in a matter of weeks.

"Did you know that that's what the Apaches that Calvin flies are named for? It's from the tribe?"

"I did not know that, no…." lied Olivia, because it was far better than Eve be allowed to believe she was telling her something new. So helpless to lessen the pain of seeing Calvin deploy she felt like this, in some small way, would at least make his new world feel less alien to them all. They had to talk about it. Olivia had lived by that mantra ever since she had first joined SVU. Talking might not change anything, it might not solve a problem, but it might just make it easier to deal with.

"They were first made in 1981 and the Army already had this tradition of using Native tribal names. So they used Apache, well AH-64 but that's less catchy I guess."

"Cal teach you all this?" asked Olivia, moving to stand behind her daughter and pin up a few loose tresses of brown curls into a cluster at the crown of her head.

"No, no I Googled."

"Are we taking Memo?" there was no we, only her. Olivia wasn't ready to think about that. Nor was she ready to consider the implications of Eve actively researching Calvin's career. She knew her daughter and the love she felt for him was not a surface bloom, it had deep roots.

"What?" asked Eve, turning her head and then shaking it slowly as Olivia stood cuddling her beloved orange and white clownfish, "Oh Memo!"

"In the bag or out?"

"I….." hesitating, Eve smoothed the skirt of her white cotton sundress and then held her hands around her tiny waist and inhaled slowly. Holding her breath for a moment she met her mother's eyes and smiled poignantly, "Out."

"Baby girl you haven't spent a night away from him in seventeen years. You've brought him on every trip. Your Dad had to have him mailed back from Memphis that one time. You love Memo, you need him."

"I do love Memo…." they were no longer talking about the stripy fish, and both women knew it all too well, "…. but I think that, maybe, I don't need him the same way I used to anymore."

"Wow."

"Mom don't cry…." rushing across the room Eve laughed breathlessly, grabbing Olivia's face and holding it tenderly in warm palms, "… don't cry!"

"So what's the plan for tonight then? This 'fake prom' you've dreamed up?" quickly busying herself with fussing over Eve's hair and then finishing packing the holdall they had started Olivia shot out deflective questions. "Where are you going? When will you be home?"

"We're going someplace for a picnic."

"Someplace? Well, that's very specific. That'll be really very useful when I put out the APB on you later."

"Mom!"

"Do not 'Mom' me when I'm trying to keep you safe, sweetheart."

"Momma you don't have to worry I'll be with Cal….." and in her daughter's eyes she could see how she believed her words with all her heart, "… there's no place safer."

"Ladies?" knocking lightly at the door Elliot peered around into Eve's bedroom and smiled, "There's a gentleman caller at the door."

"He's here! Did he wear a shirt? Is he wearing real shoes? A jacket?"

"Yes to all of the above."

"I have no clue why what Calvin is wearing is so important to her…." chuckled Olivia to herself as they followed behind an excitable Eve.

"Me neither but you should see poor Hercules. I don't think I've ever seen a guy look so uncomfortable in his own skin."

"He told her he was deploying to a war zone and she took it like a trooper….." stroking Elliot's shoulder blade with a gentle touch but one that emphasised her point perfectly, "… if she'd wanted him here dressed as a giant chilli dog I wouldn't have thought her unreasonable."

"You can't base a relationship on one half being too besotted to say no."

"I disagree….." flashing him his favourite of all her smiles, that teasing, that mischief, that knowledge that they were invincible, "…. because we seemed to have based a marriage on it."

"Touché…." he grinned, fairly sure she was meaning him, equally aware she could've meant her. Either way it was both completely true and not true at all. They had found their balance, or at least he liked to believe they had. They both had a voice that they used, they were a team. He could only help that he had instilled his daughter with the strength to use hers in her relationships and that equally whoever ended up being her other half was as able to handle her wilful stubbornness and challenge her constantly.

* * *

"Oh my God I love this song!"

"Me too, totally."

"You have no idea who this is do you?" laughed Eve, rolling her eyes and shaking her head. "Well they're awesome. They're actually playing New York around Christmas time and I'm so excited to go. I think Hannah's parents are going to buy her tickets for her 18th so now I just need to persuade my Dad to let me go."

"Yeah, good luck with that."

"Come on, get up, let's dance….."

"Nah, nah Bambi I'm not really a dancing kind of guy. I've got about as much rhythm as a fucking fruit fly."

"I'll lead!"

"No."

"Please?" jumping down from the tailgate, her bare feet hitting the dry dirt Eve looked up and held out both hands. "Come on, baby, please? For me?"

"Those magic words….." he groaned, pretty sure that if those dark lashes batting over baby blues were to ask him to start an international conflict then the world would be in big trouble. "Right, I'm here. What'd you want me to do?"

"Relax for a start…." she giggled, grabbing for his hands and encouraging him to move and shuffle around to the music. Like a puppet he let her mould his arms and hips, gradually feeling himself give in to the idea and forget his self-consciousness. There was no one else around. There was only Eve there to see him look a fool and she had already seen far worse from him. "That's better! Now you're getting it!"

"I am way too sober for this shit."

"Prom is prom, mi amigo."

"You sound like Tex."

"Because I said it in Spanish?" she asked, her fingers lacing and weaving through his rough, calloused hands as they moved together.

"Because you're a stubborn little pain in my ass."

"You love me really!" she called flippantly, twirling in circles so the skirt of her white dress blew out in the breeze around her knees. He watched her and fell still, his eyes following her every movement as he quietly confessed.

"Yeah, yeah I do….." he murmured, his arms at his side but his heart in his hand as his kind green blue gaze met her eyes, "…. I'm in love with you Evie G."

"Still?" she asked, grounding her feet and folding her arms across her fence. Guarded, hesitant, knowing just exactly where this was going and not giving a damn.

"Always."

"Cal….." whispering his name, once, twice, again she ran the few steps between them and threw herself into his arms, stroking at the nape of his neck and running her fingertips along the buzzed prickle of his shaven head. Pressing her forehead against his, rubbing noses, inhaling how familiar he smelt and how right it felt to be back in his strong grip she hesitated a moment before sinking her lips onto his and kissing him hotly, "Me too, baby, I love you. I love you, I love you, kiss me?"

"Bambi….."

"I know! I know just exactly what you're going to say and you're right. You are, I know you are. I just don't care. Calvin you have no idea how little I care right this second about college or the army or how this is only going to make it a million times harder to say goodbye."

"Because it will…." he was just as guilty as she was, he had been the one to first flash the green light and so he held himself equally accountable as she unbuttoned his shirt and slid it from his shoulders.

"I reckon it's worth it….." she flirted, doe lashes batting as she swallowed hard and smiled, "… don't you?"

"Your call….." stroking lightly, lovingly at her cheek he kissed her forehead and nose but avoided her lips as he asked softly, "…. whatever you want."

"I want you….." breathing swallow she reached up and draped her arms around his neck, waiting for his arms to coil around her waist before kicking up her legs and wrapping them around his waist, "… I just want you."

"I am so damn glad you said that….." he mumbled under his breath as they lost themselves in hungry, insatiable kisses and he carried her to the truck.

* * *

"Oh my God….."

"I know."

"I was talking about my bath."

"I wasn't…." smirked Elliot, still unable to come down from the high their evening alone together.

"Elliot!"

"Oh come on Liv you're no prude. I have bruises to prove it."

"Seriously!" eyes wide she tied her bathroom and shook her head with an almost teasing coy, "Stop!"

"We needed today."

"It was really great to see Sammy play for his team. This basketball thing is so good for him, all his new friends and the confidence it gives him. Getting invited to this camping party tonight? It's progress."

"Not what I meant."

"And Evie and her little 'fake prom' or whatever she's dong with Calvin. I don't want to think on it too much because whatever the two of them are up to will probably scare the hell out of me but she's happy. God if she wasn't the happiest little clam when he came calling for her in that monkey suit."

"Still not what I meant."

"Oh, oh so you….." hesitating, deliberately, she sat down beside him on the sofa and allowed her crisp white robe to fall casually off her shoulder as she smirked, "… you meant the incredible very non-old-married-couple sex we just had?"

"Olivia!" she was no prude indeed, she was devilish and she drove him wild.

"I love you Elliot Stabler….." she smiled, leaning over and kissing him warmly, "… very, very much."

"You still got it, babe."

"You're not so bad yourself, old man."

"Hey!"

"What're we watching?" lifting his arm and finding her place under it Olivia reached for the remote. They were watching whatever she wanted to watch. He knew and accepted this as fact. The truth was he had come to be grudgingly fond of just about every show she made him sit through. Not necessarily because he gave a damn about any of the characters she obsessed over, but because he got to hold her while she did so.

"Did Kylie find out that Travis is cheating on her with Patsy yet? Does Travis know that Patsy talked to Monica about it?"

"No, no and if he did he'd be pissed because Monica and Travis used to date in high school."

"Of course they did."

"Speaking of that, do you think I should text Evie again?" asked Olivia, scanning the room for her cell phone.

"I do not."

"But….."

"Liv in seventeen years have you ever known Mouse to miss her curfew unless there was a valid reason?"

"Well the last prom she went to she got blind drunk and…."

"Trust her….." instructed Elliot, pulling her back down onto the couch and nodding resolutely, "… that's what we're doing tonight. We're trusting her. How am I the one telling you this? You're normally far better at it than I am."

"Can I tell you that I feel like she'll probably wind up doing something stupid with Calvin in that truck without you freaking out?"

"Something stupid?" but in truth he didn't really need clarification. "Liv I gotta tell you that ship sailed a long time ago. I don't know about you but I knew going into this 'fake prom' thing that it was most likely to end in her being a little masochist. Starting things up again with Tarzan right before she has to say goodbye."

"Kids will be kids I guess. I don't worry about her being smart and safe or any of that. You're right, that ship has sailed. I do trust her there and she's earned it. She's been straight with me about that stuff this whole time."

"So what _are _you worried about?"

"When you have a connection with someone, when you have a _real _connection with someone….." looking across and holding his eyes Olivia's heart ached, "…. I might not know what it's like to have someone go off to war but I know what it's like to love someone and have to walk away."

"You know I'm no good at this cryptic stuff, when you talk in riddles. Are we talking about you and me? Are we comparing Cal deploying to me being married to Kath?"

"Well when you say it like that it makes me sound ridiculous."

"Liv?"

"I feel stupid. Let's drop this."

"Olivia?" he repeated, reaching for her hand.

"What?"

"Either it is a teenage romance that she'll get over or one day, a long time from now, he'll walk back into her life….." reaching to her face he pushed a sweep of bangs from her eyes and leant in to kiss her softly, "… the way I did yours."

"I want to take him to the airport on Monday."

"Hercules?"

"That boy just hasn't got the first clue what he's going into out there. I just want to be sure that he's going into it knowing he has people on his side, people who will care and who'll be here when he comes home…" and then, guilty of that same blind defiance and denial that Eve was surviving on Olivia added, "…. because he **will** come home."

"We'll go pick up Texas on the way."

* * *

"Saying goodbye to you is gonna be the straight up hardest thing I've ever had to do Evie G."

"So don't."

"Farewell, see you soon, whatever. It's all the same isn't it?" asked Calvin, as the teenagers lay a tangled heap of love and limbs in the bed of his truck looking up at starless sky.

"Don't go. Don't deploy….." for a moment he smiled, sighed with a shake of his head and chuckled softly until he realised she was completely serious, "… they can't make you if they can't find you."

"Bambi?" he asked, turning his head and furrowing his brow at her. Blue eyes staring up from where she laid her head on his chest Eve blinked slowly.

"We'll just gas up your truck and go. We'll just drive and drive until we're nowhere and somewhere and we'll be lost. Lost and together somewhere no one will find us."

"And what about Brown, genius?" he wasn't allowing this wild idea to find feet let along wings. "What about when we run out of gas?"

"We'll buy more."

"With what? How you gonna work when no one can know who you are?"

"I don't know! Don't do that. Don't just shoot everything down. We can figure out the details. All that'll matter is that we're together….." stroking at his chest, tracing circles with her fingertips she murmured, "…. together: me and you."

"Evie even if this crazy plan of yours was even close to being possible do you really think we can out run the US Army?" and then, because it was the far scarier of the two he added with a patient smile, "Do you really think we can outrun your parents who, by the way, would be heartbroken and majorly fucking pissed?"

"Yes."

"When they find us, and they will, I'll be court marshalled for going AWOL and arrested for kidnapping a minor."

"You can't go to Iraq!" she burst, like a balloon, like a dam, like a tiny firework painting the night sky with terror and love and heartbroken desperation. "That's war, Cal. That's fighting and guns and bombs and it's turning on the news at night and watching someone blown into a million pieces by another IED and….."

"Baby…."

"I'm freaking out!"

"I'm getting that."

"Don't you mock me! Don't you dare look at me with that smirky little grin of yours and think you can be just cute and charming and I'll forget that I'm fucking scared to death!"

"Don't say fucking, Bambi."

"Don't be such an ass!" she shrieked, grabbing for his shirt and putting it on like an oversized jacket so she could sit up cross legged and do her fear full justice. "They told me we were too young and I listened, I did. They told me I had to go to college without you and I will. You joined the military and I handled it, I tried, really hard to support you. It's what you want and it's your dream, it's your Brown and I know that. But Iraq? I can't handle that Calvin. I can't bear it."

"It'll be alright, it'll be okay ….." reaching out a dragging her closer he stroked at her back and murmured soothingly, "… I'll be okay."

"But what if you're not?" was the immediate question on all of their lips though perhaps Eve was the only one candid in youth enough to ask it aloud. "What if you don't come back?"

"Well, then, I guess I don't come back."

"Cal!"

"I'd be some kind of idiot if I'd enlisted thinking I'd never see active duty Evie. Everyone deploys, it's the job. Being Army isn't just boots and a gun. It's war."

"Yeah."

"You're really _not _okay with this are you?" he realised, understanding now that her reaction at the baseball had been somewhere between shock and denial. It had not truly hit her until now and quietly, ashamedly, she fell back down onto his chest and began to cry quietly into it.

"I'm fine….." came the strained squeak as she kept her face buried in the warm comfort of his skin and kissed at it lovingly, "… don't look at me. I'm not crying. I'm not."

"Bambi?" murmuring gently he reached down and lifted her face with a rough palm. "Evie? Hey? Up here?"

"I'm trying to be strong. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I yelled. I'm sorry I'm such a baby."

"You're not a baby….." he dismissed, reassuring her that it was not immaturity but fear and love that was causing her to take his deployment so hard, "… shh, it's okay. You're my baby, Evie, but you're no kid. This would suck if you were seven or seventeen or seventy. It's this hard for everyone. You're not the only one that's scared."

"Are you scared."

"No, yes, it's different for me I guess."

"Will you write me?"

"No."

"Cal….."

"It'll only make it harder Eve I swear to God. Tonight has only made it harder but I just wasn't saint enough to say no."

"Tonight was awesome….." finding her smile she wiggled up close enough to kiss him, closing her eyes and drinking him in, "… tonight was perfect."

"Yeah, yeah it was."

"But if we're not gonna write? If you don't know how long you're gonna be gone….." fresh tears fell as she finally let the reality, the finality, the goodbye sink all the way in, "… then this really is over. We might never see each other again."

"We'll see each other again."

"Yeah?"

"Your brother is my buddy. Your mom is…." though not able to say it in as many words they both knew just how much Olivia meant to him.

"But it won't be the same."

"No, no I guess not."

"I'm sorry I brought this up. Let's not talk about all that night. Tonight is supposed to be fun. Tonight is prom. You don't talk about Iraq and dying and breaking up on prom."

"Kind of pisses on the party, huh?" he grinned, leaning down and kissing her softly. "You're a little buzz kill Bambi."

"You wanna dance some more? I can change the station…." she offered, stroking at his chest and nodding toward the truck radio that was playing a slow, melancholic song.

"Nah, nah I'm all danced out."

"You wanna play a game? I'm really good at I Spy. We always play that on long car journeys. Oh, or we could play Who Am I? That's really fun."

"Dork."

"Shut up."

"You know what else is really fun?" he said, not allowing his face to move a muscle as he looked down at her with mischief eyes. She didn't blush, not this time. It didn't feel daring or forbidden or a little scary the way it first had when they had lain naked together in his truck. It just felt right. It just felt like one of the million ways she loved him. Flashing a white smile she wrinkled her nose and kissed him nodding.

"That **is** pretty fun."

* * *

Two days later three cars, seven anxious family members and friends and a deploying solider arrived at JFK. Calvin and a fellow Airborne New Yorker, Tommy, were Fort Bragg bound and the mood in the air was deeply melancholic.

"You better keep this one in line. He's nothing but trouble." shaking Tommy's hand firmly Elliot gave instruction to the young man who to him looked barely older than Sam. Fin and Melinda said their fond farewells to Calvin and then took a step back to allow others to move forward. The departure gate was crowded, but they had found a quiet space in the corner where the boys could down their kits and take a breath.

"Mr Stabler."

"You watch your six, you hear?" said Elliot with a gruff, denial of emotion in his voice as he remembered just exactly what this moment had felt like as a young Marine all those years previously. Shaking Calvin's hand vigorously he dragged him in for a tight, all embracing man hug and slapping his back hard. "I want you back here every bit as much of a pain in the ass as you left. That's an order, Hercules."

"Yes sir."

"See you soon, mijo….." came Texas' warm, unfailing smile as she held him tight and planted a loving kiss against his cheek, "… stay safe."

"Keep fighting, Tex….." and then, drawing her back in so as he could whisper only to her and out of Eve's earshot he whispered, "… write me?"

"Course…." she nodded slowly, reluctantly surrendering him as Eve waited patiently to her right. "I love you."

"You too."

"Hi."

"Hi, hey, how's it going Bambi….." he half laughed, half choked as he reached forward and hugged at her neck, "…. come here." Kissing at her nose and cheek he stroked at her hair, soaking up every last bit of her that he could. He knew that this may well be the last time he had Evie Stabler in his arms. It was a memory that would sustain him. He would carry the smell of her perfume and the taste of her sweet kisses with him to Fort Bragg, to Fallujah and beyond.

"I got something for you….." she whispered, reaching into the back pocket of her jeans and holding something tightly in her fist, "…. give me your hand."

"What?" he mumbled, holding out his palm flat and furrowing his brows. Then, as she set down a slightly gaudy looking gold ring with a giant blue stone and a tiny inscription in his hand he marvelled, "You're giving me your class ring?"

"Cal this past year has been the most important of my life. I grew up in so many ways. It's been hard and it's been hell and it's been wonderful and everything in between. I'd change a lot of things if I could but I wouldn't change you. I wouldn't change us."

"You're gonna change the world someday Evie G. You're amazing, you're awesome, I love you."

"I love you Calvin Arliss."

"So this is it. Okay, I can do this. We can do this….." reaching to her face, he linked their wrists as she in turn she reached up and held his. Stroking away each other's' tears they stood forehead to forehead, nose to nose, heart to heart for several long moments until she repeated softly, "… we can do this."

"Okay."

"You ready to be strong, Bambi?"

"Yes."

"Goodbye Evie Stabler…" he said finally, closing his eyes and then opening them to look straight into hers. Clean through to her soul, or so it felt to her.

"Goodbye…." she choked, then deliberately wrenched herself away and went to stand between Fin and Elliot. Her two pillars of strength.

"I guess that just leaves me."

"Saved the best for last Livia….." and as he grinned adoringly not one single person would've cared if he'd been serious. Not Elliot, who smiled fondly. Not Eve who loved him all the more for how much he loved her mother.

"Come here you soft thing, come here sweetheart…." breathed Olivia hoarsely, drawing him into her maternal hold and squeezing him tight, "… now I know you'll squirm the way Sammy does when I do this but I don't care. You're going to listen to me, okay?"

"Yes ma'am."

"Because I'm going to take the liberty of speaking as a mother, for a mother. You be careful, son. You be careful, you be strong, you come home safe. Only while you're gone you remember, always, that you are loved. There are people back home in the States who are so very proud of you, who are on your side no matter what and most of all you remember that you will **always **have a home wherever I am sweetheart."

"Livia…."

"Look around, remember this, remember that we are all here waiting for you….." stepping back a moment Olivia gestured around to the assembled group and then with a nodding smile declared, "…. we're you're family Calvin."


	47. Who You Are Is Not Where You've Been

"You wanna come Stabler?"

"Jack don't be cruel you know he can't."

"Can't he?"

"We'd never get him there in his wheelchair and, like, can he even swim now? Like won't be drown if he can't use his legs?"

"We can help him! We can help him float, you know, like a baby? We could get him a swim float."

"Yeah but Carla he can't…."

"HE IS RIGHT FUCKING HERE!"

"SAM!" screamed the smaller of the two blonde girls Sam was sat with in the school cafeteria. Her hysteria only saw to escalate as Sam leaned forward out of his chair and, yelling angrily, hurled her full lunch tray at the wall.

"STOP TALKING ABOUT ME LIKE I'M NOT SAT RIGHT FREAKING HERE!"

"Sam stop it! He's sorry! Tell him, tell him Jack! Tell him you're sorry!" as Sam continued to throw things Carla shook her blonde curls in horror. "Make him stop!"

"Sam! Sam Stabler you get yourself to Principle Carter's office and you stay there until you're told otherwise."

"I hate you….." murmuring under his breath Sam reached trembling hands to the wheels of his chair and slammed himself into motion, "…. I fucking hate you all so much."

* * *

"You wanna talk about it?"

"No."

"I think that we should. I think that we really need to. Sammy I gotta tell you this isn't you, this isn't who you are. I know that you're pissed and you have every right to but doing what you did today? I really do think that we need to have a conversation about how we're going to make sure this doesn't happen again."

"Mom can we please just go home?"

"I thought you were doing okay, sweetheart?" said Olivia, as she and Sam arrived at the car and she looked down at him heartbroken. "Was I wrong? Because it's okay if I was, please know that. I just want to make sure that you..."

"I'm fine, honestly."

"I hear you, I do. I am listening to you telling me that but I'm also hearing Principle Carter telling me that you threw Carly's lunch at the wall today and so…."

"Carla."

"Sam….." she couldn't read him the way she could Eve. She had never been able to, not even when he was that tiny, screaming little new born raisin that she would have just given anything in the world to comfort. She would've given anything to comfort him now.

"I can't help you if you don't talk to me, son."

"I'm gonna just make my own way home."

"What? Wait, Sam?" as he set off at pace, wheeling himself across the parking lot toward the sidewalk Olivia shook her head rapidly. "No! No, hey! Sammy you'll kill yourself getting all the way home in this heat!"

"I just need to be on my own right now Mom."

"Well do you at least have your cell? Sam!"

"I got it, I'll be fine….." he called over his shoulder, giving her a wave, "… don't worry about me."

"But I **do** worry about you….." breathed Olivia, closing her eyes and feeling hot tears seep through her lashes, "…. I do worry about you Sammy."

* * *

"I can't conquer this bad boy on my own. You wanna help out with that?"

"Mom sent you."

"I'm not sure I appreciate how that sounds like an accusation there. I don't dig your tone, son….." grabbing a folding chair Elliot slumped down onto it beside where Sam was sat in the yard. Setting the giant pizza box down on his lap he ripped of a slice and passed it over to his son, before going back for a second and sinking his teeth into it. "Oh, wow, umhum, that's good."

"I guess she told you what happened at school today, huh?" said Sam, chewing his pizza slowly and mumbling. Looking across at his father, the relaxed body language, the total absence of drama. He admired him so. Elliot was a rock. Never once, in any trauma or crisis of his life had he not been able to rely on that quiet, steely strength of the ex-marine.

"Not really, she mentioned you were upset but….." though they both knew Olivia had outlined the situation Sam truly trusted that she had only relayed fact and would leave Elliot to draw his own conclusions, "… you wanna tell me about it? You wanna fill in some details?"

"Not really."

"I get that. I get that you wouldn't wanna talk about it. You're pissed off, you're wound up tighter than a drum. I can understand not being a big fan of the heart to heart approach."

"You're not either?" for the first time that day Sam raised a smile. He was like his father, and he knew it. Though there were so many delicate shades of Olivia in both children there was no denying that Sam's wilful tenacity and brooding resilience was his Elliot's. His sister was a firework; he was a steady burning flame.

"Can I tell you something? Something I think it might help you to hear?"

"Sure."

"I used to keep a lot of things bottled up inside. Ugly things, dark things, and things I was ashamed to admit I thought and felt. Things I was afraid that people would judge me for. They ate me alive. I was so angry. I was so freakin' pissed at the world the only way I could feel better was just to beat the crap out of something. Walls, doors, I can't count the number of times I put my first through something I shouldn't have."

"For real?"

"For real."

"What changed?" asked Sam, reaching for another slice of pepperoni. "You're not like that anymore. I mean you still get real mad sometimes but not like that. What happened? What changed?"

"What happened? Your mother, your mother is what happened and what changed is me."

"But I always hear you telling Mom how she has to talk to you about stuff. When I was in the hospital after the accident I would hear you nagging at her to talk to you and not bottle it all up."

"Because she's just as bad as I am, she might not hit things but she finds it hard to. We both do. It sucks, son, but your genetic legacy is pretty emotionally screwed up."

"Awesome…." grinned Sam, and inside he was smiling too. He felt relief. Relief that even his parents were human, they felt the same things he did. It gave him hope.

"But you know what Liv might not be the best at dealing with her own crap but she is _damn _good at helping other people with theirs. Give her a shot, Sam. I don't need to tell you how incredible your mother is. I'm awful at these kinds of talks. I'm awkward and clunky and I never know the right things to say but she does. Let her help you? Let her have at whatever it is you're going through because I gotta tell you if there is _anyone _who can figure this all out with you it's her."

"Everyone's leaving me."

"What?"

"It sucks….." swallowed Sam, the pizza sticking in his throat and making it hard to swallow down with threatening tears. He didn't want to cry. Not in front of Elliot. He wanted to appear brave, strong, macho, but it was painfully hard. "Everyone talked about how hard it was for Vee when he left, how upset Mom was and how we have to have Texas round for dinner and look after but what about me? He was my friend."

"He still is your friend Sammy. Cal will be back, he'll come back."

"I know it was selfish not to go the airport. I knew that even before Evie yelled it at me a billion times."

"Everyone deals differently, bud."

"I just didn't want to say goodbye, I guess. I guess that was it."

"Goodbyes are tough, they really are. They're just the toughest thing and you've had to do a lot of letting go this past year. Not just to people. Change is a good thing most of the time but it's also pretty overwhelming."

"One week."

"What's that?" asked Elliot, setting the half empty pizza box down on the floor and inclining his body to Sam. This was perhaps the most completely open conversation he had ever had with his son. Olivia had these talks with the kids, not him. He built things, he played games, he did the heavy lifting and yet suddenly somehow Sam was opening up to him in a way that he hadn't even to his mother.

"That summer when Vee went out early to Chicago to stay with Kathy and I couldn't go until I finished football camp. That's the longest we've ever been apart. She's nagging and annoying and a total wiseass but she's just always been there."

"That what all this is really about? Mouse going away to college?"

"I'll kill you if you tell her I said all this."

"Bro code, this stays between us I swear."

"Remember when you thought I learned to tie my laces like some kind of ninja?"

"Are you kidding me? You were like two years old, it was genius!"

"No, no it was Evie. Only you and Mom were so proud she kept tying them in secret and letting me take the credit. She was the smart one, she was always the smart one. That prize I got in eighth grade for the planet project? She did pretty much all of that."

"Seriously?"

"When she got grounded for a whole week for eating that birthday cake Mom bought for my party?"

"I have no clue how a seven year old girl ate all that frosting and survived."

"She didn't, she didn't, a six year old boy did and he almost _didn't _survive."

"Sammy for real? That was you?"

"She helped me puke my guts up in that bush behind the swing over there and then wouldn't let me take the blame. I tried to get her to let me tell the truth but she wouldn't. She said being so sick was punishment enough and she had my back."

"She's always had your back, huh?" smiled Elliot warmly, with a strange melancholic sadness as he realised he hadn't really thought about how Eve leaving would affect his son. "You two were pretty much inseparable when you were little. Your Mom and always knew if we found one of you chances are we'd find you both because you were most always together."

"And now she's leaving."

"I don't think there's anything I can say that'll make that any less tough for you buddy. I really don't."

"I just feel like I'm….." looking away, hiding the anguish on his face Sam's voice broke as he attempted to be strong, "… like I'm being left behind or something."

"You know what I think? I think that you're get through this. I think that you're the toughest kid I know and this is gonna suck and it's gonna be a struggle but you're gonna kick ass. Things are changing, they just are. Whether we like it or not life is going full speed ahead to God knows where and we're all just running like hell and hoping for the best."

"I hate change."

"But it's coming for us, buddy. It happens, all the time, and there isn't a damn thing we can do about it."

"It sucks."

"Look at how much your life has changed already this year, look at Calvin's life, at your sister's. Calvin had to make a choice; he had to pick a new path before the one he was on killed him. Eve had the best life here with all of us, with Calvin, with all her friends at school. Now Cal's gone, school is pretty much done and she's got to go off to Brown on this big scary adventure where she won't know anyone. You know what though? Calvin got on that plane. Eve is going to Rhode Island. Sometimes you just gotta close your eyes and jump, buddy."

"I wanna change schools."

"Yeah?" asked Elliot, deliberately keeping his face and mind open.

"I've been talking to Katie and Rich and they told me about their old school and it sounds cool. I want to go there if I can get in. I want to go someplace where I'm not just Evie Stabler's little brother. I know I'll always be the kid in the chair but maybe I can be the cool kid in the chair, you know? Not Sam who used to be the football player but then he got hit by a truck and now we all feel sorry for him because of all the stuff he can't do anymore."

"Wow."

"I want people to know me for who I am not who I used to be. I need a fresh start like Calvin. I need my own Rhode Island."

"Then we'll sit down. You, me, your Mom, we'll just figure out what needs to get taken care of and we'll figure it out, we'll make it happen."

"You know you're not _awful _at it."

"Huh?"

"You said how I should let Mom figure this out with me because you're awkward and bad at pep talks or whatever but I reckon we did okay, don't you?"

"I think it was mostly you….." reaching out a squeezing arm around Sam's shoulders Elliot kissed his hair with an uncharacteristically effusive gesture of affection and choked, "….but you know what, son, I'll take it. Feel free to tell your Mom how good I did."

"Dad!"

"I'm not even kidding."

"Dad shut up! Shut up and pass me the pizza."

* * *

"Hey."

"Hi….." said Eve quietly, setting down her cell phone and narrowing her eyes as her brother entered her bedroom, "…. did you come in to yell at me some more?"

"No."

"Sure?"

"I'm sorry I was such a dick earlier, Vee."

"That's okay, that's cool, we're good…." for as long as he could remember, for as long as there had been a Sam and Eve he had always been able to trust that all it took was an apology. Whether he had stolen her toy, eaten her food, covered her white shirt in Cheeto dust or just pissed her off all it had ever taken to get them back on the straight and narrow was a heartfelt apology. She trusted the same of him.

"I've just been going through some stuff."

"Yeah, yeah I got that feeling. You wanna talk about it?"

"Nope…." he replied decidedly, wheeling across to her bed and inspecting the DVD collection stacked at the foot of it. "This is a good one. You should take this with you. You'll make solid guy friends with these three here."

"Okay."

"How about you? How you doing? How you getting on?"

"I'm okay, I'm fine…." she shrugged, crossing her legs and folding her arms. Hair scraped back from her face and wearing her pyjama shorts and an old men's shirt he was fairly positive wasn't Elliot's she was clearly still deep into her wallowing phase.

"It's been about a week now, huh?"

"Has it? I hadn't noticed….." she shrugged, in a pathetic attempted at indifference before manging a guilty smile and sighing, "… six days, five hours and I would say around twenty minutes last time I looked. Did you know it's like 118 degrees in Fallujah right now?"

"I did not know that, no."

"They're like seven hours ahead there and I'm not sure whether he's, like, in one of the main bases or not but if he is then they have Wi-Fi. I was looking it up and they have computers so he could use e-mail or Facebook or Twitter or something."

"Does Cal even have Twitter? He doesn't strike me as a tweeter."

"Well, no, he doesn't, he isn't, but..."

"Vee you need to stop Googling this shit. Like, seriously. You know he's not gonna message you no matter how many social media sites he's not on. That's what you agreed. You're broken up. Stop picking at the scab."

"Wow, harsh."

"Yeah well I'm your brother it's my job to be harsh, get over it."

"Or what? You'll throw your lunch at me?" she teased, poking out her tongue.

"Hey!" he cried, his eyes shooting up to meet her smile. "Actually it was _her _lunch. It was burger day I'm not a total idiot."

"Eww, gross, you must be the only kid in our school who likes that crap."

"It won't be our school for much longer….." he confessed, chewing on his cheek and announcing, "… we're actually both gonna be moving on."

"What?"

"Turns out you and Cal aren't gonna be the only ones making some changes."

"Oh my God, tell me! What's going on? What's the deal? I wanna hear it all!"

"I think I saw Mom come home with ice cream earlier….." said Sam with a bittersweet smile as he offered, for what felt like it might be the last time in a while, "…. you wanna come make sundaes and I'll fill you in on everything?"


	48. The Ghosts Who Walk Among Us

"_Close the door."_

"_What?"_

"_Sit down Olivia."_

"_What?"asked deep brown eyes, so painfully burdened by life's complexities but yet still filled with a profound capacity for hope and love. They watched him, they searched his face, they felt his sadness. _

"_Er, really I think you should sit down."_

"_Well just tell me, what's going on?"_

"_Your mother had an accident. I am so sorry. She didn't make it."_

"_How?" and suddenly she was just a little girl again. That terror, that startled expression when she'd turned on the oven to heat a pizza at ten years old and heated a vodka bottle to explosion. Boom._

"_She fell. Down the subway steps. 110__th__ and Broadway."_

"_No, no my mother never takes the subway."_

_It was in that moment she realised she had never really known her mother at all. She knew how she took her tea. She knew the scent of her favourite perfume. She knew the right words to say to placate her in a drunken rage or how to stroke her bruised and fragile maternal ego. Held at arm's length. Trapped on the wrong side of a locked door. Forever on the outside desperately trying to steal a peek into the soul of the woman who had walked through the walls of their house and never allowed it to become a home. A ghost of the Serena Benson that had existed before her conception had turned her heart to stone and stolen the light from her eyes._

"_The entrance outside The Velvet Room."_

"_She was drunk."_

"A lot of ghosts in here, huh?"

"More than you know….." said Olivia softly, setting the last of her personal possessions down into a cardboard box. Stroking at the picture of her mother's face she smiled sadly and then covered it over with the last photograph she had of Don Cragen before he'd died.

"Today's the day. How are you feeling?"

"Honestly?" almost breathing the word she looked up at Nick Amaro and mouthed, "I have no idea."

* * *

"_Elliot a few months ago I looked into adoption."_

"_That's great."_

"_They turned me down."_

"_What're you talking about?"_

"_Well, I'm single. I don't have any extended family support system. I work all hours. They didn't see me as prime parent material."_

"_They're wrong."_

_..._

"_You know, you'd make a great mom."_

"_Oh my God I'm not having this conversation."_

"Where are you right now? Where's your head at?"

"Do you ever just think how completely insane life is? How it sounds so cliché, so improbable when people say that one moment, one day can change everything. They're not kidding."

"No, no they definitely might have a point."

"If you hadn't cheated, if we hadn't gotten in the elevator, if Carrie hadn't taken Evie up on to the roof and scared me into telling you the truth. If Amaro hadn't come looking that day I went into early labour and managed to get me and Sammy to hospital, if he'd taken the bus home from that school trip, if that car hadn't shot over the intersection. If Johnny Arliss hadn't been at that party, if Calvin had never come to collect him from the 1-6, if Evie had gotten a ride home from school with you that night instead of waiting on the wall."

"You could play this game forever, Liv."

"But even before that, back where it all began. If my mother had walked the long way home from the library instead of taking a shortcut, if she'd had an abortion, if she'd coped better and I'd become an emotionally together dental hygienist."

"A what now?" he puzzled. It was such a strangely specific alternate career. She had thought about this a lot.

"I would never have joined SVU if I wasn't a child of rape."

"So basically this is all a really long winded way of saying that if stuff is meant to be then if finds a way to, you know, be?"

"You're an ass Elliot."

"I wasn't being…."

"I know you weren't."

"If Cragen hadn't gotten sick and had to slow down you'd never have stepped up to Captain."

"If you'd stayed in his office that day instead of coming to find me and ending up in the corridor when the bomb went off."

"Then I'd be dead now."

"El!"

"Sorry, sorry I still don't think I've gotten the hang of this yet."

"I was just thinking as well how even though it hurt like hell at the time you could even rationalise away me not getting to keep Calvin. It broke my heart, it broke his. I could've loved that boy. I could've given him a good home."

"But he'd never have met Texas, he'd never have had that time with his mom, and there'd probably never have been an Evie he could blindside with his Herculean looks and brooding tragedy."

"Every road has led here. Everything happened just exactly the way it was supposed to."

"I mean there are a few parts I would really love to edit out along the way but….."

"But if you had, if you did, then we'd have ended up somewhere else."

"I think the bigger question is what happens now, what happens next, where do we go from here?"

"I have no idea….." she smiled, rolling her shoulders and shaking her head with a quiet contemplation, "… but I do know one thing."

"What's that then?"

"_I'm your partner, for better or worse." _

* * *

"Liv?"

"Here."

"You ready to go?" asked Elliot softly, his voice almost echoing through the now empty 16th precinct at the end of a long day. When the celebrations were over, the speeches made, the dutiful retirement ceremony completed it was back to normal. Life at SVU went on. Everyone returned to work. Except for Olivia, who was saying her final goodbye.

Lights dimmed, air cool, it was filled only with a few uniformed officers busying themselves in the distance and a light buzzing of activity. That, and the haunting voices of ghosts from the past. The suspects, the victims, the perpetrators, and the detectives. The hundreds and thousands of lives that had been touched, altered, and changed within these walls: for better, for worse, forever.

"I am not the same person who first walked in this squad room."

"There're a lot of memories for you here….." and then, with a gentle smile and a touch of his hand on her shoulder Elliot added quietly, "… for both of us."

"I was here when I lost my mom. Right there in that office with Cragen. I stood _right here _when they took Calvin from me. So many friends, so many victims, kids, all the faces written in these walls. The building's changed but nothing else has. I guess in other ways everything's changed."

"This was always going to hit you like a tonne of bricks, babe."

"I know. I know but it just keeps coming, wave after wave. Amanda, she was so young. Cragen? He should be here to see the kids grow up. Then I look at what I have, _all the things _I have now and I can't help but think how it was all worth it. I got to thinking about what we were saying earlier. What if I'd chosen homicide? What if I'd gone narcotics?"

"There'd never have been a Benson and Stabler that's for sure."

"I might never have met Fin. I wouldn't have had Don Cragen in my life. You know this place made me tough enough to fight my past the Vivian couldn't fight hers. Soft enough to love you despite all the reasons it was just the worst idea ever. Strong enough to be a good mom to Evie and Sam."

"A **great** mom."

"I think that what I'm coming to realise is that in so many ways I owe my life to this place. That these people, this place, it was home. It has challenged me and supported me and beaten me down and built me back up and it's been hard and it's hurt like hell and it's picked up the pieces."

"It was your family."

"And it gave me one of my own."

"I know I for one will be forever grateful that Detective Olivia Benson and her God awful pantsuit walked through those doors."

"So this is it then, this is the end."

"Of this chapter, maybe…" he smiled draping his arm around her and kissing her hair lovingly, "… but the next one is just beginning."

"I guess so."

"I know so. You wanna know how I know? Because that rookie detective who walked in here all those years ago was lost, she was lonely, she was looking for answers and trying to come to terms with her past. This job was her whole life. This job was who she was."

"Wow…." mouthed Olivia, because his précis was so accurate it hurt.

"You wanna know how I see things? I see that Cragen is right there with you, he's in our house, literally in the walls and floors, every day, and he's so proud of you. You got everything your mom never had and you are everything she dreamed of you being, everything she never managed to be. Hercules? Well damn it if that tough stubborn ass kid didn't find his way back to you and don't you try and tell me you're not the biggest part of how he managed to turn his life around."

"It's funny when you pretend not to like him because I know how much you really do."

"You are the best friend Tutuola will ever have. You are the mother of two smart, funny, beautiful kids. You are my insanely hot wife."

"Insanely hot? Is that right?"

"That is your life now…" holding her shoulders, forcing her to take a threehundred and sixty degree turn and then twisting her around for a affirming kiss Elliot declared, "… this job is **not** who you are anymore Olivia."

"Then I guess 4015 is officially done for the day…" removing her shield from her pocket and setting it down on what, as of tomorrow, would be Captain Amaro's former desk in the bull pen Olivia breathed a teary sigh, "… done for good."

"Knock knock?"

"Hey!" beamed Olivia, delighted to see Eve appear in the doorway and then hold it open as Sam wheeled himself just inside it.

"We were waiting in the car but….."

"You're taking forever!" finished Sam dramatically, with a cheeky smile.

"We brought you these….." producing a bouquet of flowers from behind her back Eve left Sam holding the door and stepped forward, kissing Olivia's cheek and smiling, "… I'm not sure what you say, happy retirement maybe? We just wanted to tell you you're awesome and we're insanely proud of you."

"Thank you, both of you, they're gorgeous."

"So come on then Captain where are we taking you for dinner?" asked Elliot, throwing down the restaurant pick gauntlet. "You're choice, anywhere in the city. Go wild, go crazy, any place you can dream up?"

"I'm afraid the Captain has a _tonne _of paperwork to file before a huge case goes to trial tomorrow and it's just a massive job and it's really gonna take all night so…..."

"What?" asked Sam, visibly horror struck as Eve looked to Elliot with unease.

"I'm kidding, I'm teasing you. That is Captain Amaro's headache now not mine. As of right now the only job I have is being your momma….." widening adoring brown eyes and rushing toward them Olivia ruffled Sam's hair and slid an arm around Eve's waist, "… and Momma wants a steak!"

"Hell yeah!" laughed Sam, moving his head out of her reach but loving the attention.

"Give me one sec? Go call the elevator?" smiled Olivia, ushering the children out of the door and into the corridor and then staring wistfully at the precinct as the night team quietly hummed away in the distance offices. It was a quiet night. No giant stories breaking, only old ones going to trial, coming to a close. I felt like serendipity.

"Mrs Stabler?"

"Right behind you….." she said, flashing Elliot a smile as he held the door and waited for her. Then, face falling to a teary acceptance she took one last look and listened to echoed voices whispering.

"_The difference between you and all the victims is that you can walk away."_

"_No I can't."_


	49. Look Up The Stars Are All Exploding

**_As some of you may have sensed, this chapter closes this instalment of the journey and 'Ours' is complete. I was initially planning to end here, however I just have this nagging feeling that I'm not quite done with these characters yet and there may well be one more story to tell? What do you think? I feel like I want to write 'Theirs' to really tell out these stories._**

**_Thoughts, feelings, opinions? Let me know y'all! _**

**_My gratitude and appreciation for your continued reading, replying and supporting is endless! x _**

* * *

_Tex, _

_It's been a while. Sorry about that. We've been out away from camp. I'm fine though, everything's good. I got your package and you nailed it, thanks. Nash made me swear I'd ask for Reece's Pieces next time. I told him to fuck off but I'm asking anyway 'cos he's pretty cool. How's work? You got any more trips on? Hope Guatemala was awesome. Write me about it._

_Love and shit, _

_Cal _

* * *

"You know I'm not sure this comforter is going to be warm enough. I feel like it's thinner than your one back home. I could go to the store? If they're smart there's a Walmart or a Target somewhere not a million miles from campus?"

"Mom the comforter is fine."

"Are you sure?" asked Olivia, eyeing up her car keys and wondering how long it would take her to dart there and back. The roads around Brown were heaving but she felt sure she could figure it out.

"This is Rhode Island not Russia I'll be plenty warm enough."

"We're further north. It might get really, really cold."

"Mom."

"I know."

"No, no it's great, it's so awesome that you're worried and I appreciate it. I appreciate you. All the things you've done, all the things you do. I know I don't say that enough and I'm sorry for that….."

"Oh Evie, oh baby….." attempting desperately to rearrange her face from its crumbling mess of maternal dissolution Olivia shook her head tearfully. "My sweet, sweet girl."

"I just want you to know that I'm gonna be okay. Yeah I'm gonna be scared and homesick and overwhelmed sometimes but I'm gonna be just fine. I'm gonna tough it out and make good and give it my all. That's how my Momma raised me."

"You just have no idea how proud I am of you Evie Grace."

"I have some idea. You tell me pretty much all the time."

"I am definitely going to cry now."

"Momma!" laughed Eve, a little breathless at just how beautiful her mother was. She always knew it, but sometimes it hit her like a tidal wave, swept her away, drowned her in love. "Momma come here you sappy idiot…." rolling her own eyes as tears fell she leant forward and drew Olivia tight into a hug she never wanted to let go, "… it's okay."

"I know, I know it is and that you'll be amazing. You're smart and you're strong and you're just gonna blow them all away here but I have just been holding it all in this whole week and it's starting to make me a little nauseous."

"Mom!" cried Eve again, pulling away and shaking her head as she dabbed at Olivia's tear stained cheeks with tender, gentle fingertips. "How do you do that? How do you cry so pretty? I look like that blonde chick in that old TV show you and Dad watch when I bawl."

"She was saving the US from terrorism, babe, you can't have it all…." sniffing lightly Olivia shot Eve a wicked smile and she knew her mother was going to be just fine.

"You and Dad always taught me to be kind, to be smart, to work hard and good things would happen…..." those big blue eyes and that pretty face melted Olivia all over again as Eve gestured around the chaos of her half unpacked dorm room and smiled, "…. and look Momma; good things are happening. I'm at Brown."

"What am I going to tell you?"

"That you love me."

"What else?"

"That you're always at the end of a phone."

"What else?"

"Ermm….." shrugging Eve pulled a face, a little unsure what else to offer but reaching for their usual candid humour, "… use a condom?"

"Evie!"

"No glove no love."

"Stop…." narrowing he eyes with a warning glare Olivia gave her head a little shake.

"Love is cleaner with a packaged wiener."

"Eve."

"Sorry, I'm sorry, what was the last thing?"

"Don't panic, don't freak out if it isn't the fairy tale you dreamed of. College is such a big deal. It's so huge. You're away from home and living on your own and that's all scary enough but then there are classes and all these new people and it's all so new and different. It's overwhelming. Sometimes it will probably be lonely, scary, you'll think that you're doing it wrong and everyone else is just having the time of their life. They're scared too, babe, trust me. They're feeling all those same things you are and it's normal."

"Okay."

"I just want you to know that your Dad and I? We're on your side. No matter what. Talk to us. Don't bottle it up. Yes tough it out, yes give it your all, but just know that there is no possible mess you can make that we won't come scoop you out of. Just because you're leaving **not** mean that we are letting you go and no matter what happens….." reaching to her face and stroking it gently Olivia vowed, "…. you can **always** come home Evie Grace."

* * *

"You know you're never going to make any friends sat all the way over here by yourself."

"I'm just, you know, getting a feel for the place."

"The place is high school, dude. Let me save you some time and summarise: it's four years of having your soul pulled out through your nostrils."

"What?" suddenly realising he had been pretty much holding his breath all morning Sam exhaled with a laugh. "That's gross."

"True though….." came the warm, almost glowing smile from the face of a bold featured good Samaritan who had crossed over to his lonely, shaded side of the recess quad, "…. hey, so I'm Leah."

"Sam….." he smiled, noting the bold kindness of her eyes and the warmth radiating from deep mocha skin. Her style was unlike any he'd seen on a girl before. Bright, floral prints but with an edge that warned she may bite if provoked. Her stonewash denim shorts and ankle high sneakers were cool. He liked how she looked.

"So how come you switched schools so randomly? They kick you out of your last one?"

"No, no not exactly. Things were just a little done there. Some things happened. Well, I mean you can see the chair. I didn't really fit in."

"Again, this is high school. You're not supposed to fit in. At least not if you're planning on growing up to be a decent, well-adjusted human later on."

"I used to. I used to be like a football player and kinda popular and stupid shit. It sounds dumb out loud but it was true. My sister was kind of a big deal cheerleader and I was her kid brother. Well, yeah, like I said it sounds kind of stupid but…."

"Yeah, yeah no it does sound pretty ridiculous. It makes you sound like an ass and I've got a hunch you're not."

"Yeah, well, being the cripple kid can kind of do that to you I guess."

"You know if this whole new school, fresh start thing is gonna work out for you you're gonna need to adjust that horrible attitude."

"What?" asked Sam, expecting Eve to talk to him that way but not a total stranger.

"I mean quit feeling sorry for yourself. So you're in a wheelchair, big deal. We all have something. Everyone has some drama they could write a country song about."

"I….."

"Yours just happens to be a little more visible than most."

"Did you just come over here to kick my ass?" it was working, and she smiled back at him because she knew it.

"Jenny Brockman over there? Hard core bulimic. She runs track for the state and no one has one single idea."

"Wow."

"Dawson Hadley? He's got two dads. That's still no fun at all when most people are still narrow-minded morons. I'd put money on them thinking when they adopted him fifteen years ago people would be over it by now but they're not. They're not but I don't see him sat in a corner crying about it."

"I'm getting your point. I get it. So what's your story? What's your drama? You kind of sound like you're talking from some experience with this stuff."

"I don't think we're there yet."

"Where yet?" a simple soul, sometimes Sam had his father's inability to catch on immediately to the nuances of the female gender.

"Trust me Sam Stabler you do not want to know my drama. You think that chair makes you a freak? You've got nothing on me, my friend."

"Are you making this, like, some kind of completion? Like who's the most messed up?" he joked, but suddenly despite all her earlier bluster and bravado Leah was suddenly painfully awkward. Looking at him through nervous, darting brown eyes she chewed on her cheek and wrung out her hands. "What? What is it?"

"I mean I guess you'll find out soon enough. Everyone knows. It's how come I have pretty much no friends here. They're all scared to stand in line behind me in the lunch room. Terrified they'll get it. Afraid they'll end up like me."

"What? A cool kid who takes pity on pathetic new guys?"

"No, no a black kid who's….." swallowing hard she looked up, met his eyes, and shot straight from the heart, "… who's HIV positive."

"Wow."

"Yeah, yeah that's pretty much the reaction I usually get….." rolling her eyes with a sardonic smile Leah turned to the side and made a dramatic gesture toward the school building, "… so this is your cue to leave now. I won't make it awkward, go on, go ahead, I'm not offended."

"I'd say I'm pretty offended though."

"Huh?" snapping he head back she looked at Sam, who looked at her, with Olivia's compassion and Elliot's honesty. She knew what he meant. He hadn't even flinched. He was not that guy, he was different. He understood. Leah felt something inside of her shift.

"My Mom makes the best lasagne in the tri state area, maybe even in the world. My sister just went off to college and she's still in denial so there's sure to be tonnes too much….." with an easy, open smile Sam offered, "… you wanna come over and help us out with that?"

"Sam, that's really sweet. That's nice of you. I just don't really think I'm exactly who your parents hoped you'd buddy up with on your first day."

"You know what's funny is that you're actually probably _exactly_ who they hoped I'd buddy up with."

"Seriously? I mean if you're shitting me then that's messed up so….."

"I know we just met and you have pretty much no reason to believe me, but despite me being an ass sat here throwing his own pity party my parents are actually pretty cool."

* * *

_Dear Calvin, _

_I hope this gets to you and you're doing okay. I hope I wrote the address down right. I hope you won't kill Texas for giving it to me._

_So my Mom finally retired. She's acting like she's totally okay about it but I know she's a mess ball inside. It's gonna take her a long time to shake SVU, maybe she never will. You know that. My Dad is pretty on it though, he calls her out on her crap. I don't worry about Sammy as much as I used to though. He's been a real pain in the ass lately. He argues all the time, he stays out past his curfew and forgets to call, he's got this new hair cut he thinks is just the coolest thing ever. Oh and he met a girl. He's just your average teenage boy and it's awesome._

_Did you hear about Texas going on a date with Gil Amaro? I can't wait to grill her about it! I think he's a good guy. My Mom is so protective of Texas if he isn't she'll brain him. Fin and Melinda are going out to California to see Rachel for Thanksgiving this year so it'll be weird not having them here. Will you still be out there for the holidays? Can you cook a turkey in the desert? Is that a stupid question? I feel like maybe Carrie Underwood or Toby Keith or someone might fly over and roast you one._

_And then there's me. I've been at Brown a week now. I know, right? I'm finally here. This big, giant, life changing moment and I'm just feeling like the biggest baby. All that time I spent trying to convince people I wasn't a kid and now I'm supposed to be a grown up and in college and I just want my Mommy. I know it'll get better. It will start to feel like home and I'll have classes to distract me and I know it'll be fine. I know it will all work out. I know if you were here you'd kick my ass and tell me that this is life, it's happening, get your fists up and get ready._

_I just was sat here thinking how strange and lonely and scary this is and it made me realise how I can't even imagine how it must've felt for you flying halfway around the world to a place I can't even picture in my head. Is it insane out there? Do you have friends now? Are you okay? I mean Texas said you were but she's so sweet she'd lie through her teeth not to scare me. _

_I guess where I'm going with all this is that I know we said we wouldn't write. I know I promised but I don't care. I'm breaking this one promise to you and I hope you understand. I think after I got done being a girl about everything and eating ice cream and ugly crying I realised something. I realised that I'm changing. I'm figuring out a lot of things and I just had to write you and tell you that the hardest part of us breaking up was losing my best friend. _

_I just need you to know that I __**can **__be your friend. I know you want to protect me, I know you think it'll hurt me more not making a clean break but losing you completely hurts more. I don't know if you feel the same. I don't know if you'll want to write me back and it's okay if you don't. It's completely your choice but I wrote my address on the back of the envelope just in case._

_Sending strictly platinic x's and o's to Iraq with all my love, _

_Bambi_

* * *

"He made a friend."

"That's all he needs. Just one ally, one buddy, one kid to say hey you know what you're alright Sam. Just someone who sees past the chair the way Mouse and Hercules do."

"I really like Leah, she's a sweet girl. I mean she clearly doesn't suffer fools; you get that much pretty much straight away. She'll be good for him though. Growing up HIV positive and dealing with people's reaction to that? It'd make anyone tough."

"God I can only imagine how brutal adults are to handle let alone whatever bull they feed their kids."

"I told him he could invite Leah and anyone else he wants round for movie night at the weekend, that okay?" asked Olivia, as she plopped down onto the sofa and kicked her feet up onto Elliot's lap.

"Course, course, sure thing what're we watching?"

"Babe we're not watching anything with them. I have strict instructions that you're not to be embarrassing."

"Mouse used to let me watch movies with her and her friends."

"Evie hated every single minute of you being the awkward Dad in the room she was just too sweet to hurt your feelings."

"Yeah well she's not too sweet to anymore. I tried to call her the other night and she told me she was out at some 50's cinema club and she'd call me later. It's been 48 hours and I have had no such call."

"Poor baby."

"I don't even have to look at you to know what face you're pulling right now Mrs Stabler."

"Did I tell you she wrote Calvin?" chuckling to herself Olivia lay back, melting in his fingertips as he rubbed expert circles into the balls of her feet.

"How is Tarzan? Texas hasn't been over lately. How's he doing? How's it going over there?"

"I think our information is going to be a little unreliable. In your daughters words he is 'officially the worst pen-pal she's ever had' and she's told him as much."

"I'll bet she has."

"By the sounds of it she wrote him a Dickensian novel and he pretty much just replied with 'ditto' and a drawing of something she couldn't even figure out. He's promised to try harder and improve but she says she doesn't hold out much hope."

"Seriously Liv, what did the kid expect? I mean she has _met_ the boy. You ride _my_ ass for not being a man of words but expecting Cal to ship out and suddenly turn into Taylor Swift was a pretty tall order."

"You do realise that Taylor Swift is now in her late thirties, right?"

"Damn I'm old."

"I think the positive we take from it all is that there's been some healing. She is not _nearly _as raw about him as she was and I really do think the two of them might manage to be just friends. It'll make it easier for Sam to see him when he's home."

"Sam?" reaching for her hand he stroked it gently and smiled knowingly, "And a certain someone else whose maternal instincts shoot through the roof every time she packages up another shipment to her solider overseas."

"God I love that kid, like he's my own, I do….." confessed Olivia with a soft laugh and accepting roll of her eyes, "…. he's got me. Hook, line and sinker that stupid smirk and puppy dog eyes had me from the get go."

"Ach hell he's family. Let's just bare bone it. We've got Mouse in college, Hercules in the desert and Sam in Brooklyn with Leah. We're not doing so badly, Liv. As it goes we are not doing badly at all."

"You know what else we got?" she teased, arching a suggestive brow.

"Uh oh, uh oh I know that look…" he grinned, throwing her feet from his lap and grabbing for her hand, "…. free house, let's go, let's do this, clothes off, he'll be back by nine!"

"Elliot!" she balked, dragging her feet with a furrowed expression. "Where's the romance? Where's the foreplay? We're not robots!"

"No, no babe we're an old married couple. Romance and foreplay are two luxuries we're not going to see again until we figure out which college to palm the other one off on!"

"Be still my beating heart."

"Oh shut up and strip off….." he smirked, grabbing for her waist and kissing her amorously, "… you love me really."

"Hey? Hey El?" she called, as he ran to the bedroom as if on hot coals and swiftly removed his jeans.

"If you're still wearing a bra I don't want to hear it!" he made her laugh. He made her laugh deep and hard, shaking her head and feeling the cathartic effects of their steady banter she entered the bedroom and began unbuttoning her blouse.

"Elliot?"

"Yeah?" stopping, standing still, giving her his complete and undivided attention he watched and waited as she smiled contentedly and sighed. "What? Is this where you tell me you're pregnant? You're eloping to Guam with a hedge fund manager? You're mentally redecorating my kitchen _again_ or?"

"My kitchen, but no, no this is where I tell you that I'm happy."

"It is? You are?" he beamed.

"We've done a lot of talking lately about things ending. Our babies growing up, leaving home, retirement, change. I just wanted to take a second to tell you that the way I see it things are just beginning. I can't wait to see what those kids do next. I can't wait to see it with you."

"You couldn't just be insanely gorgeous, could you? You had to just go for gold and kill me with all the words, all the feelings and….."

"Alright, okay, I'm taking the damn bra off!" throwing her head back laughing Olivia walked across the room, into his arms, and into the next chapter of their lives.


End file.
